day 5 - the funeral (part 1)

mum had passed away 5 days before. this was the day of the funeral - 20 nov 2015. the day before, i had texted everyone about the time to arrive and i mentioned specifically that all should arrive at about 8.45am. i added that the prayers would be about 10am and the cortege would leave at about 11am. the cremation timing would be at 12noon and we must arrive at the temple's crematorium about 11.15am. with everything co-ordinated, we closed the final day of the wake.

i left sapphie at home that day. and for the last time that morning, i dropped by the ang mo kio ave 6 hawker center to purchase vegetarian food offerings and made sure everything was properly set up by 8am. it was a flurry of activities as i needed to get all the things packed up for we would leave for the temple immediately after the prayers and there would not be any time to do any packing. at the same time, there was a need to organise and group the things into those that was needed at the temple (the drinks, the packets of oranges, the ang pows), things that was needed for the ash collection, things needed at the columbarium, etc etc etc... i had to also settle the payments for the funeral parlour services, ensure the correct ang pows (red packets) were given to the correct people. as i did all these, my eldest sis and her family (including her 2 daughters and son-in-law) arrived. as for my second sis, she texted me - i will be late, i needed to sleep a bit more as i had just taken medicine and was feeling groggy. i didn't bother to reply. i was unhappy with her response for i had expected her to know the importance of that day and to plan her time and energies around the funeral. nonetheless, i was told myself that yet again she has pulled such a stunt, something she had consistently done all these years. let her manage her own time, i told myself. anyway, none of her daughters visited the wake and i didn't expect them to attend the funeral.

as we were doing all these things, the pall bearers started arriving and began preparing the coffin for the final journey. they began to dismantle the wreaths and clip all the flowers from the wreaths (that were send over the last couple of days) and placed them over the coffin. i joined in to do the same and some of my family members began to take the cue and joined in. soon, the coffin was very prettily lined with roses, chrysanthemums of various shades, and gerberas. mum loved flowers when she was alive and i was sure she would be very happy with all these flowers used to beautify her coffin. by the time everything was settled, it was about 9.30am. and as we did all the packing and flower arrangements, the monk who was to preside over the funeral service arrived. and after preparing all his things, he signalled to us to assemble, take our places and to start the final rites. it was then that my second sis arrived.

after briefing us about his cues (to walk, to bow, to stand still, etc), the final rites began. the thing about such rites was that the stillness and the time available made us focus our thoughts towards the deceased. in my case, my gaze naturally went towards my mum. the thoughts about no longer being able to see her physically, her body being engulfed in flames, etc made me choke with tears. i had to time and again direct my thoughts away and to focus on her happy times. celebrate her life, i reminded myself. and with this, i found myself oscillating between choking and half smiling as the monk chanted. we were made to bow a couple of times and soon, the monk led us round the coffin. i carried my nephew as we walked 3 times round the coffin and with each round, the thought of the coffin being closed and of me not being able to see my mum's physical self became more real. i broke down as i walked.

with the chants completed, the funeral co-ordinator asked us to walk towards the coffin to bid our final farewell. everyone broke down as we walked passed the coffin. i didn't look too long. i kept reminding myself that the body was no more than a shell and that mum was at a better place already. i kept reminding myself that i should let go of the body and not be too attached to the physical body. it was an internal struggle for me but i walked on after 2 seconds of gaze. after the last person walked passed the coffin, we were all asked to look away as the funeral co-ordinator closed the coffin. we will never be able to see mum anymore. once done, the funeral co-ordinator asked to confirm if we were ready to leave. it was then that my second sis said her husband and daughter has not arrived.

it was not something i had expected and i was not happy. i kept quiet and everyone was taken aback too. sensing a rising tension, the funeral co-ordinator said we had some time and could afford to wait. we stood around as we waited. my second sis said her husband and daughter were on their way as we waited. after some 10 minutes (that seemed forever), i asked her if they were anywhere near. they are on their way, she repeated. i was a little flustered when i asked her if she could verify what on their way meant. they could be on their way near the parlour, on their way along the expressway, on their way near their home, etc. i did not raise my voice, but i was sure my words showed my displeasure for she called her husband again to verify. he was still on the expressway. and as for her daughter, she was coming from school and similarly, was still on the expressway. from the expressway to the funeral parlour, it would be easily another 10-15 minutes at best. i decided not to wait for them further and asked her to tell them to proceed straight to the crematorium. i don't think it was appropriate for the dead to wait for the living. what more when i had made it very explicit that all should be there by 8.45am. and it was already 11.15am, god damn it! if anything, this was the most disrespectful thing anyone could accord to my mum. i told the funeral co-ordinator to proceed. i couldn't be bothered about what everyone else, including my neighbour and my long time friend who were at the wake, thought. 

amidst all the unsaid tensions, the funeral co-ordinator assembled everyone again and prepared us for the coffin to be loaded onto the van. we were all asked to line the side of the prayer area, clasped our hands as the coffin was carried and placed into the van by the pall bearers. once done, i was tasked to "invite" mum to proceed with the journey. mum was represented symbolically by the joss stick urn. and as i carried the urn, i had to call out to her to inform her that we were leaving the parlour to the temple. and as i placed the urn onto the vehicle seat, i had to ask her to board the vehicle. with the urn firmly placed onto the seat, everyone was asked to assemble at the back of the vehicle and to place our palms onto the back of the vehicle. i stood in the center and my siblings on my side. once done, the funeral procession started. as we lightly push the vehicle. the buddhist chant recording blasted and we started walking behind the slow moving vehicle. this final walk was an emotional one. everyone teared as we stepped onto the hot tarmac of the car park. we walked until the main road before i was asked to board the van. i placed mum's urn on my lap as everyone else were asked to board the bus that i had hired for the funeral and we were on our way to the crematorium. the journey was a slow one with the van moving at a speed of about 20-30km/hr. the crematorium was in the temple next to the parlour and we arrived there some 15 minutes later. 

everything had been prepared when we arrived at the temple. the vegetarian offerings were nicely placed onto the prayer table. and efficiently, the pall bearers unloaded the coffin onto a coffin mover and had it loaded onto a conveyor table (that would convey the coffin into the furnace). we assembled in front of the prayer table and once again, the funeral co-ordinator asked if everyone had arrived. i noted that my brother-in-law and my niece had not and asked for some time to wait for their arrival. it was some 10minutes later before i saw my brother-in-law. and once again, i asked my second sis to verify where her daughter was. she was still on the way, the reply came. we waited for another 5 minutes before i asked again if she was arriving anytime soon. my second sis was clearly pissed off by then. whether she was pissed off with me or her daughter, i didn't care. she had no right to be pissed off with me, i thought. i decided not to wait further. proceed, i told the funeral co-ordinator. are you sure? he said, we could wait a while more if you need to. no, proceed, i said. being late for your own grandma's funeral was the highest disrespect and i had no patience for such disrespectful behaviour. 

and with my direction, the funeral co-ordinator assembled everyone for the final prayers. the temple monks were invited to preside over the cremation. the prayers made and once again, we were asked to walk 3 times around the prayer area. i was asked to walk towards the coffin and to symbolically push the coffin into the furnace as i asked mum to be on her way peacefully. i choked as i did that. once done, i rejoined my family and the furnace door opened. the coffin was finally conveyed into the furnace.

these were what i could recollect of the funeral. i must add that i couldn't really recall some specifics of what happened that day, e.g. whether the waiting occurred before the coffin was loaded onto the van or before that. everything that occurred was a blur to me today. it was too intense for me to have to manage the needful yet had to manage the human aspects of things.