2016 was a superbly crazy year for me. it was a year of contrasting extremes almost on all fronts. i lost my dog of over 15 years sapphie, and my family (my niece and nephew) in mar/apr 2016. the challenges at the workplace did not help too. the m&a the company went through in may 2016 added further to the stresses throughout the year. but on the bright side, with the gradual departures of people close to me, and the reduced jobscope meant i had a lot of time to myself and this provided me the space to travel and to just pamper myself. 2016 thus became a year where i travelled extensively - at least once a month. a back sprain i got in jul 2016 motivated me to kickstart my walking routines and this in turned helped me maintain my general well-being. i end the year on a high, looking forward to a new career in jan 2017. so, yes, lotsa extremes in the year as i capped my 4th decade and turned 50 in dec 2016. and on this note, i shall pen my reflections, starting with key ones that shaped the conditions of my life in the year.
death & losses (sapphie & family)
sapphie passed away 22 march this year. and with her demise, i had lost someone who'd been my constant source of happiness over the past 15-over years, not withstanding the fact that she was a dog. she was my family - and the only one to see me through my change of relationships, my retirement and transition to civilian life, my career changes and the lost of my parents. i started the year wanting to take good care of her and to provide as much to her as i possibly could. i knew she was old and that i had expected her to leave anytime soon. but her demise was unexpected - it happened suddenly when i was overseas. i supposed the signs were there but i didn't see it happening so suddenly. with her passing, things started to take an interesting turn with my brother's family. i had placed sapphie under their care while i went overseas and the handling of her post-life matters didn't go well with them. coupled with the brewing issues with regards the handling of my late-mum's property, my relationship with my brother took a fatal development. i decided to walk out of the toxic relationship in the end. i am no longer in contact with them, and i had thus lost all possibilities to interact with my niece and nephew. with these losses, things that i had wanted to achieve became impossible. such developments impacted me badly and prolonged the stresses i felt since 2015 where i suffered many death amongst people closest to me including that of my mum. nonetheless, their departures left a huge gap in my life and provide a lot of space and capacities for me to grow in other areas. and this, perhaps was the silver lining and a blessing in disguise for me.
work/ professional development
the acquisition of the company i worked in and the merger with a sister company provided another huge source of stress to me for the year. on that fateful day of 19 may, i was told i would be demoted two levels down, and report to someone with lesser experience than me, whilst he would in turn be promoted because he "is a good friend" of the hr hod. to worsen things, i was told to take over my executive's jobscope. this topped the already stressful work environment i was in with my previous boss. suddenly, the need to find a new job took a renewed urgent push. my inability to get a new job despite attending many interviews resulted in me getting depressed. it took me a while to come to terms with these drastic changes. nonetheless, and positively, the reduced jobscope provided me the much needed space to channel my energies onto myself. i started to take things easy, relaxed a little more, and to reinforce and refresh my basic fundamentals at work. by the start of oct 2016, i was sure my target set at the beginning of the year (i.e., to change job in 2016) would not materialise as i had a 3-month notice period. but things took a unexpected turn when i got a call sometime mid-october by a company. things developed very quickly and an offer was made by early nov. i managed to get a one-month waiver from the full 3-month notice period and will end my current employment by today. i am happy i can end this year just the way i wanted. i start with a new company next week. my next job is a hugely challenging one, both in terms of jobscope, as well as the people i have to interact and work with. but i decided to accept it as i really wanted to get out of my current company. also, the new job will provide me with new areas to challenge myself and move out of my comfort zone. so for 2017, i want to learn, and give my best to my new job.
bee
i will write a bit about bee here. frankly, i do not have much positive areas to write for this para. i started the year wanting to do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the past years. in this regard, i do not think much was achieved. two hands can clap only if both hands are willing and make the efforts to. and i said that because in my opinion, his priorities were in his work and not on me. i was the one with lots of time and energies but for him, he had constantly committed himself to his work. i'm in the retail line, he used to say. and coupled with the added challenges he had with his mum's frequent health issues, our times together were badly affected. apart from the increased dinners together, everything else that couples do together were largely missing. many plans that we had planned together did not materialise. and many of the things that he said he wanted to do with me ended up not being honoured last minute. this included the planned holiday in sep, which was postponed to november, and again to end-december and then cancelled as he couldn't move away from his work. i had time and again told myself that i needed to manage my expectations. there'll always be disappointments when there are expectations, and i had come to the point where i don't even have expectations for his promises - he: i will pick you for breakfast - i: ok, let's see when you wake up, ok, i will just leave at 7.15am if you don't contact me by then, he: ok, i will be ok to leave for a holiday from 26 dec onwards - i: i'll book my air tickets if you still don't give a confirmation by 23 dec. all these seemed very empty and disappointing when i reflected on the "commitment" he made over the radio mid-year "that i want to spend more time with my family and loves ones"... for 2017, i will simply do my part as a partner. as for him, i can only wish for him to do his part and prioritise better between me and his work. but i know wishes are not solutions and the solutions are beyond me.
friends & colleagues
2016 was the year where there were lotsa developments for friends. for a start, i was depressed and i started to close up. i avoided people, and i avoided all my friends. i saw no point interacting and going out with them. i didn't want to share my life with them. thus, i began to isolate myself from them. people i avoided include my uni friends as well as larry. i am still managing this as i type and i think it will take a while before i open up to them again. nonetheless, i am human and i have a social space to fill. and this space was filled by my office colleagues - colleagues that banded together after the middle of the year when the company undergo the m&a. and under the very trying and hostile conditions, the relationship of many of my colleagues and i blossomed. in fact, we got along so well that many of them address me as "baba" (or "papa" or "daddy" depending on which language you chose) affectionately. this was really a case where the line between colleagues and friends (and perhaps the concept of "family") blurred. i was really touched by their acceptance cos despite our age difference (most of them are in their 20s and a few in their 30s), they included me in their programs and activities and even went to the extend of organising a birthday retreat in hong kong in dec. i am touched by their responses to me. on top of that, i also made quite a few friends via grindr. and against what most people said, it is indeed possible to make good friends there. quite a few have gone from grindr chats to whatsapp/ line chats and shared good life experiences and lessons with me. for 2017, i will continue to expand my social space, and deepen existing friendships.
personal life & health
i was mired in lotsa challenges in the first half of the year but with the demise of sapphie, the breaking up with my brother and his family, demotion and isolation at work, and the many disappointments i had with bee. these challenges took a toll on my health and my personal life. i became depressed, my kidney stones issue caught up with me, i had a suspected heart issue in apr/ may, experienced lotsa respiratory issues especially during first 7-8 months of the year and i sprained my back in jul 2016. the backsprain shook me up a little cos i really didn't want to re-experience what i went through in 2013 where i was immobilised for a good several weeks. i started to do long walks, hike at macritchie reservoir regularly, and also began my routines of waking up at 4.30am just to walk around my area. over time, i started to include walking as part of my travel plans. i did a few mountain climbing trips to hong kong, took long walks in taiwan or simply to just walk (sometimes aimlessly) in shopping areas/ streets, just for the sake of keeping myself mobile and on the move. these activities allowed me to maintain a relatively good state of health, and helped me managed my bad back. as for my depression, i don't think i am out of it, but i am working on it. in 2017, i may not continue my long walks and definitely not able to keep my travel habits (cos i will no longer be in the airline industry) but i will certainly live healthily and maintain my well-being.
relatives
i wanted to put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family and i think this was one area that i could have done more. but i do not have any regrets here. with the year filled with all the developments at work and challenges, i was happy i was able to at least kept in contact with my existing relatives and visit them once in a while. for 2017, i will continue to maintain the relationship with my relatives.
bloggers/ blogging
at the beginning of the year, i looked at my blog entries and told myself that i will not want to use number of blogs as a target for me to achieve by the end of the year. this was something i did before (such as in 2015). nonetheless, i told myself i will continue to blog although i acknowledge the motivation to do so was really low at times. but i do recognise the positive points of blogging. it allows me to capture my life's experiences and learn from it. it also allows me to connect with my online friends, something that i admit i am not very strong in - socialising with people face-to-face. frankly, the encouragement and connections i had with some of my blogger friends provided me the much needed push when i was down and the occasional reminder that i needed to buck up when i started to wallow. so... yeah, to all of you reading this, thank you very much for everything. i may not know you nor have seen and interacted with you personally, but i do really appreciate the encouragements and support you have provided me over these years. for 2017, i will certainly continue to blog.
miscellaneous
i decide to just include this additional points here to capture the little nuggets of reflections that are significant to me but perhaps not things where i could have any productive principles/ targets that i want to set for in 2017...
- with the passing of sapphie, the contact with james has reduced to no more than perhaps season greetings/ birthday greetings. i think this may dwindle further with sapphie out of the equation now.
- mum passed away slightly more than a year ago. since her passing, i had continued to visit her niche at least once a month. and i continue to do so. her presence (and at the same time, absence) was still felt. i started dreaming of her after a few months of her passing. dreams of her were especially frequent during the first half of the year. and in all my dreams, she didn't utter a single word. she remained quiet, and often, smiling. and i do noticed a trend that she always appear whenever i am faced with a lot of distress, mainly related to work. her appearance climaxed towards the end of the year where she appeared with a taoist deity, in the face of danger. i can only conclude one thing - that she was, and still is, my greatest source of support in my life.
- like the above, this would have fitted in as a para on "family" but i decided against having one. i had broken off all contacts with my brother and as of today the only news i receive about my niece or nephew was through my maid. i had continued to pay her her salary and the maid levy through the year. she had informed me of her intentions to leave in dec 16 but later postpone it to jan/ feb 2017. as for my other family members, i remained in contact with my second sis. other than that, my contact with my first sis remain inconsistent and cold. but it didn't bother me.
- this piece would probably fit in in the "health/ personal life" para but it doesn't flow with the current content. i had my first experience with drugs this year. this was in addition to the increased use of poppers. for the drug intake, it was a deliberate decision i took for the experience. i was also depressed, lonely and i desperately wanted an escape. that was it. i do not think i will repeat it again. i didn't like it, but that is not the point. it is not right.
so that was the 2016 for me, a year where there were extremes in many ways, both in terms of loses as well as gains. and within the year, i can clearly divide it into 2 clear halves. all the negatives happened mostly before july. after that, many positive things happened and i am glad to say that things are really looking up as i end the year. and with this, i shall christen 2016 a year of turnarounds. i enter my 5th decade on earth in 2017 and i am sure it will be an exciting year for me.
happy 2017 everyone.
