reflecting mid-2016

it's mid-2016 and i think it is a useful time to consolidate what i had set out since the start of the year. here's a quick one.

personal life

> increase my focus to enrich my personal life and invest in more quality me-time

i have given myself the space-out time, i have given myself the space to do what i wanted to do and i have stretched my boundaries, but i remained aimless and it was, and still is, eating into me. this was made worst by the passing of sapphie. as of now, and together with work-related issues, things have to a point where i suffer insomnia and along with it comes all sorts of health issues. i need to find a sense of direction in my life again. 

bee

> do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the pass years

it will take both hands to clap and i think there are more work to be done in this area.

sapphie

> continue to take good care of her

i use red for this para as sapphie passed away 22 march 2016 and thus bring an abrupt end to this guide for the year. her passing was another blow to my life just about 4 months after mum left me. it was especially bad for me as she left me when i was overseas. i have not gotten used to her absence as yet.

family

> nurture my niece and nephew

similar to the above, i used red for this para as i consider this a closed chapter. for now, at least. it is a deliberate decision to stop all interactions with my brother due to the toxicity of the relationship. and with this comes the natural end to the possibilities of interacting and ability to influence the growing of my beloved niece and nephew. so this becomes another loss to me.

relatives

> put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family

i have yet to fully fulfil this aspect of my life although i must say i have increased the efforts to interact with them. 

health

> live healthily

i have not been able to achieve this given the constant sickness over the pass few months. my health took a nosedive over the last month with 2 visits to the a&e department for chest tightness and kidney stones. my colleague suggested to me that my health issues were to a large part psychosomatic and i tend to agree with her. so this is one area i need to really work on. let's hope this goes away soon.

work/ professional development

> get a new job, move to a new company

frankly, i had almost wanted to give up looking for a job when the transport company told me they will not be pursuing my candidacy. but given the recent developments in my workplace, i have renewed my job search process and i really hope to be able to move to a new company soon. perhaps this will also help clear my health issues? heh...

friends

> build and strengthen the relationships amongst my circle of friends, and if possible, expand my network of friends

this perhaps is one of the positive aspects for me this year. at work, there are a lot of positive development and my colleagues are getting rather close to me. also outside, there are also a little more interactions with people around me.

bloggers/ blogging

> continue to blog

yup, i have continued to blog. but i must say this - the motivation level had dropped and i do often end up blogging only on weekends. nonetheless, i see this as a temporary downtime cos blogging is something i believe i will continue to do.

may 2016, pushing new boundaries

this has been a really life defining month for me.

and i am not talking about the announcement at work or the 2 visits to the a&e this month, which by itself was a first for me in my life too. but really, i was in a self-destructive mood this month and had done things that were way beyond what i would usually deemed right by normal standards. i do not intend to write what i had done here. so... yes, i will just leave it as it is. will i do what i did again in future, i cannot guarantee i won't, but for now, i can only say it is not my normal self to do what i did. and as to why i did those things, i supposed i felt neglected, i felt depressed, i felt aimless and i just wanted an escape. but i did not regret doing them. it was an experience by itself and i was conscious about how wrong it was such that i continued to control myself even as i pushed beyond my boundaries during the whole experience. frankly, if i had not controlled myself, i could have possibly lost myself and died in the process. ok, shall just leave things here. 

so... yeah, i have yet again experience something new. 

my urologist review

i went for my urologist review today.

did the x-ray before the check up and yes, the stone showed up. the stone that was seen in the left kidney last year had dislodged and moved down towards the bladder. as for the stone in the right kidney, it was still there and had not moved. the doctor arranged for a ct scan to be done on 15 jun to determine the exact location of the stone and the size. 

interestingly, apart from the stone, i also noticed a few other white spots in the bladder. the doctor mentioned that they were most likely calcification of the blood vessels in the bladder and there was nothing to be too concerned about. in my mind, i was wondering if they were cancerous polyps. then again, i didn't ask further.

i left the hospital with a few painkillers and as in previous occasions, tamsulosin tablets. these are supposed to help relax the ureter and aid the kidney stones' movement. hopefully this will help the stone dislodge from its current location and be expelled out of the body by the time i head to the next review on the 27 jun. let's see how it goes. for now, even as i type this entry, i can feel the bad ache developing.

my weekend hk getaway

well, the getaway came and went in a flash. here're the blow-by-blow account of my trip.

had insomnia again on friday night. fell asleep only at about 1.45am. woke up at 3.45am and dragged myself to the airport. my flight was at 6am and i needed to check in at 4am. it was an uneventful flight and i arrived at hong kong about slightly past 10am. i think it was the prolonged sitting cos the areas where i had my kidney stones started aching badly. struggled my way out of the plane and when i went to the airport arrival hall toilet to pee. there were lots of blood. well, i kinda expected it. drank some water before hopping onto the airport express. it was close to 11am when i left the airport.

made my way to mongkok, had my lunch and then checked in to the hotel slightly after half-past 12 noon. the room would only be available at 2pm and i simply sat at the hotel lounge where i surfed the net and checked out guys in the apps i had in my phone - grindr, jackd, hornet, planet romeo... the people around me were exactly the same people i saw when i did a check on the area from singapore. checking guys in these apps for updates can be rather addictive, especially when you are at a new place. i also posted my face pic onto the apps, as was my usual practice when i go overseas. then again, it was kinda disappointing when nobody texted me. have i lost my market value? haha... the truth hurts and i was simply asking for it. 

anyway, i got my room, took a shower, pee some more bloodied urine and decided to take a nap. when i woke up it was already evening and it was raining badly. thunderstorm, as forecasted by the weatherman. i slept again. woke up late evening when the rain got a little lighter and headed off for dinner at a small local eatery opposite my hotel. beef fried rice. thought beef would help replenish the iron i had lost through the day. and after that, it was straight to the sauna. it was only about 7pm and it was already rather crowded. i didn't stay long and left about 2 hours later. shan't go into details but let's just say, lots of things can happen in 2 hours. came back to the room at about 9.30pm and watched x-men on tv, a rerun of the first class. the show ended slightly after midnight. that was how i spend my first day in hong kong. for a long time since god knows when, i slept deeply that night.

woke up late on sunday and decided to just laze in bed. surfed the net for porn and more porn. and checked my gay apps again. this time round, there were quite a few messages. all looking for fun. many said they like what they see (my face) and asked my for my body pic. and when i send it to them, they either ignored or blocked me. wtf. hahaha... and for that one or two that seemed rather a good catch and wanted to meet up, i didn't go further than thank them for their interest and told them i needed to check out soon. frankly, i wasn't in the mood for it, not after the visit to the sauna. so the whole morning was just spent lazing in bed until check out time at 12noon. i had 5 hours to waste before i need to check in and decided to head to lantau island to visit the giant tian tan buddha and the po lin temple. it was a good visit despite the fact that the whole mountain was covered with fog. visiting the temple always calms me down and i needed it. met an american filipino lady and her mother and guided them around the area.

left the place close to 3pm and arrived at the airport at about 5pm. and in the train en route to the airport, i realised i had purchased the return ticket on the wrong day. i had bought the ticket for a flight on saturday instead of sunday. damned. it meant i was a no-show case the day before. i had no choice but to purchase a one-way ticket home. thankfully, i managed to get it. the flight back to singapore was a lot more manageable cos i knew the crew and spend more than half the time chatting with them. reached back home safely by about 11pm. end of sunday, day two.

in all, it was a simple lazy trip, just as i had wanted. 

:-)

hong kong trip

i have just booked a ticket to hong kong. this will be my third trip to hong kong in as many months.

will be there over the weekend. decided against staying in singapore. needed the break again after these recent horrible developments at work and my health. told myself that i should give myself this break cos i can also expect my travel benefits to be revoked soon. also, bee is not around and i don't want to spend my weekend in singapore alone. and screw the possibility of the kidney stone moving. at most, i'll stay in my hotel and sleep my way through. i'll bring along my painkillers nonetheless.

so yeah... my flight will be tomorrow morning 6am. and i return sunday late evening. in time to sleep and prepare for my monday work.

:-)

the angry birds movie

frankly, i am not an angry birds fan. have never found them entertaining nor cute too... but last night, i decided to catch the movie. bee had gone to bangkok for business trip once again and this time round, he will be there until next tuesday. have always disliked his business trips cos for some reasons, his trips are always announced last minute and his gay bosses like to start their business trip on either thursday or friday and come back on monday or tuesday. i assume that this way, they can play and work at the same time. and whatever he goes away, he becomes uncontactable and i hardly get any news from him. and that's not how family members treat one another. family members keep each other informed of their whereabouts. anyway, since he is away, i'd make the best of my time.

back to the angry birds. yup, i've never been a fan of angry birds. but i decided to proceed to catch the movie. it was nonetheless entertaining although most of the time, i felt the producers were trying too hard. still, it helped kill some of my time and made me sufficiently tired and sleep soundly when i returned. so i guessed this said a lot about how much i liked the movie. heh heh... but really, if you have a lot of time and don't know what to do with it, and don't mind some idiotic brainless entertainment, go watch this show. am sure you'll enjoy it.

diamonds are forever...

woke up with an acute stabbing pain on my left abdominal area two days ago and headed to the gp for an assessment. was diagnosed to have acute intestinal cramps and reflux. given a jab and some medication to relax the intestinal cramps as well as some medication to manage the reflux. was also given a day mc to rest at home. 

the pain did not subside but got worst and i started peeing blood and experiencing chills. the colour of my urine was rusty initially and a while later, turned bright red. clearly, there was internal bleeding in the urinary tract. darned, my next medical review with the urologist will only occur august and thus, i decided to moved it forward. thankfully there was a slot this coming monday. once done, i decided to head to the hospital a&e department. i needed to get some relieve for the pain and looking at the intensity of the colour of the urine, i got a little worried. at the hospital, the triage nurse asked me to collect a urine sample but i couldn't. there was just no urine. it took a while, but eventually i felt the urge to pee. the urine that i collected was rather clear by then, although the redness was still very obvious. when i showed it to the doctor, he didn't even bother to send it for further test. instead, he told me to just discharge it - there was really nothing further to test when the colour so clearly showed the presence of blood. i was given another jab to manage the pain and the doctor extended my mc to 3 days as he expected the kidney stones to continue to move in the coming days. i was also given several other medication including antibiotics in case my urinary tract gets infected.

it's been two days and although the urine seemed clear for now, there are still occasions where internal bleeding still occurred. and i concluded so cos of the presence of rust-coloured urine. sighs... looks like another painful period for me....

vesak day

this year's vesak was no different from previous years. once again, i shaved my head, went on vegetarian diet, did the 3-step-1-bow ritual, etc. i think i've gotten used to the whole thing such that the 15 days of vegetarianism and the rituals came and went without too much hassle. for that matter, my colleagues have gotten used to my annual routines. and i said so becos when i went to office bald, one of them simply said "oh, it's that time of the year again huh?"... heh. but for those new staff, they stared at me like as though i was some marsian...

then again, there's one thing i did differently - my approach to the practice. in previous years, i was rather strict about observing things such as not doing or eating certain things. and it sometimes caused me some form of discomfort. i got by by convincing myself that it's part of discipline and cultivation requires discipline. this year, i was not so attached to it and just went with the flow. told myself not to be too attached to the actions and that as long as i was aware of things, it should be ok. and that went rather well.

as an example, i attended a wake of a friend's mother and they do not serve vegetarian food. my friend felt a little bad despite me telling her that i'll make do with desserts. she went on to take some custard puffs, and served me instead. i didn't push back but accepted the offer and ate them thankfully. if this was last year, i'd reject the puffs. the puffs contained eggs and i do not take eggs nor egg-products when i observe vegetarianism. so... yeah, my approach this year was - practice mindfully but don't be too dogmatic about it. use it to guide but don't be attached to it unnecessarily.

happy belated vesak to one and all. may all sentient beings be well.

x-men: apocalypse

caught the show last thursday night. it made a good break for me after the horrible announcement of the company restructure. frankly, i contemplated not heading to work on friday. was totally not in the mood to work. anyway, this show provided me the escape i needed, even if it was for the short moment.

it was an immensely entertaining show and it was really good to be able to escape to a world where people (mutants) has the power to do powerful stuff. this show also helped me connect missing pieces of previous shows and gave the additional depth to the few key characters of x-men, such as how storm has white hair, how prof xavier turned bald, how magneto turned bad, etc... and wow, jean grey never fail to impress! wow wow wow!

good show, should go watch.

:-)

putting up a front

i was an emotional wretched following the announcement of the changes in the org structure and that my title will be downgraded to that of a manager-grade staff. some of the reasons that made me so unhappy include:

• the person that i'll be reporting to is junior to me in terms of duration with company, age and experience. for that matter, when he first joined the sister company, the hod (who is now the new entity hod) asked me to help guide him along.

• a manager-grade staff in my department was promoted to senior manager. he was the person whom i had clashed with last year. he was a junior executive when i joined my company and he was promoted from junior executive to manager within the 3 years i was with my company. i had supported his promotion previously. with this change, in terms of positional title and seniority, he will now be above me.

• the people that were "promoted" as part of this integration (in particular, the above) have been my current boss' favourite persons or existing manager-grade staff of the sister company. i therefore assumed (rightly or otherwise) that my boss had played a role in negotiating who should be given the chance to take the lead role as part of this integration. i took it that he did not and had not bothered to negotiate for me to assume the lead position. 

• this review and announcement of the structure came at a time where we received our annual bonus payout and increment. i was once again told that i have been overpaid, underworked and thus cannot justify for an increment that commensurate national wage guidelines. and when i queried further, he simply said - i have tried to fight for you but this was top man's decision. i did not take his feedback too well as he had previously loaded with another colleague's work based on the same input - i.e. overpaid, underworked - and through the year after i took on this additional port folio, i had made immense improvements and changes to the areas i was loaded with. and the results showed.

amidst all these, when i returned to the office during my hospitalisation leave for the townhall, my boss did not talk to me. when i went to knock on his door to inform him i was back, he simply asked if i had been told of the details. i was not aware that i would be downgraded and had answered him "no". he kept quiet and left things as it was. with the announcement finally made, and the new hod telling me that her mind is fixed, i thought it would be useless to confront my boss. i simply ignore him. he is not worth my respect anymore. with the one plus year i had worked with him, i was clear he wouldn't help me. i can only expect him to say "i tried". interestingly, my staff (the one that my boss brought in and that i had all along seen him as my boss's eyes and ears on the ground) asked to speak with me about the integration. he talked about his displeasure of the restructure and how the sister company would be dictating most of the ways ahead. i had to counsel him about this integration despite my own unhappiness. but what's interesting was that he shared about how good my boss was and that i should be appreciative of him. he went on to add that i had misunderstood him, yadda yadda yadda. i didn't want to pursue the topic further. 

amidst all these developments that didn't go down well with me, i started getting messages from my colleagues from other department asking if i was ok, given the unfair treatment. i had to simply smile and tow the organisational line that our position titles need to be reviewed and aligned to the new organisation. admittedly, i was highly emotional after the announcement on thursday. with the few days behind me, i asked if my reaction to this downgrading was justified. my reflections are:

• it was my emotions that controlled me. was i justified to feel this way? perhaps. it was a natural reaction given that it was the direct hit on my ego. i felt humiliated, un-valued, and victimised. and objectively speaking, i believed things could have been better managed - from the review of the organisation structure to managing employees' feelings.

• a position title is a position title. i was emotional for the fact that favouritism seemed to have played a huge role in this review of structure and placement of staff. although i reconciled and acknowledged that relationship considerations would be needed to ensure smooth transition and organisational stability.

• there is a lack of trust between my new hod and i. and it is not unexpected. it only mean i need to work doubly, triply hard to gain her trust. but my issue now is - this whole process will be very tiring and painful considering the amount of efforts i had put on over the last 3 years to get the company to where it is today, and now i have to throw away everything and start things all over again.

it was interesting and apt for a fact that when i was at the temple to do the vesak day rites, i was reminded that desires and attachments translate to suffering and i must learn to let it go if i want to be happy. my attachment to titles and my attachment to my "face" had caused me all the sufferings. my reactions was a result of my ego and i need to let it go. objectively speaking and as reminded by some friends - smaller job scope, but same pay - so take it positively and move forward bravely. whatever the case may be, i need to ensure the transition process is smooth in the coming weeks/ months.

as far as i am concerned, my boss had failed me and now simply shirk away all the issues. in this integration, he has asked to be transferred to integration project office. with this development, he is no longer my boss and i have stopped asking him for directions. i am also very much aware that this current structure is not realistic nor sustainable, particularly from the internal equity point of view. in this regard, i can only expect to be asked to leave sooner or later. thus, i need to re-start my job search process. objectively speaking, it would be more important to invest my energies in my job search and in organisations that value me and where i can contribute better in the longer run rather than this new set-up. 

so... yeah, until the day i leave this company, i shall put up a strong front and do what i needed to do. be professional about it and make sure the ball don't drop during this transition period.

emotional week

i was on hospitalisation leave and got an email from my boss - there is a townhall and i suggest that you should attend it. i knew about this townhall and had expected it. it was to announce major changes to the organisation given the recent developments in the acquisition of my company. 

the townhall did go into the broad details of how things will be in the coming months. in essence, the message that went out was - this is not a merger, it is an integration where 2 sister companies will come together to better synergise and grow the business, and that there will be no job lost. and as to be expected, there were changes in the organisation structure and reporting lines. while the top man position goes to my company's top man, there were much changes at the lower levels. details of these changes were eventually announced the day after when several focus group discussions were held - ok, not so much discussion, but rather an "into-your-face" briefing where the message, despite the cheery tones, was that this will be how things will be moving ahead, and you don't have choice but to move in tandem. of cos, the message was thrown to us like a challenge - as a leader, you need to tow the organisation stand and be a change agent.

there seemed to be a couple of senior positions that were retained by my company's senior staff and for other departments, assumed by the senior staff of the sister company. for my department, the head of department was taken over by that of the sister company and thus much of the department structure of the sister company was retained. i do understand that some of the manager-grade staff from the sister company were promoted to senior manager grade as part of this restructure. on my side, one of my colleague (that i had clashed with before and who was my boss' favourite) has been promoted to senior manager and given a new role to lead a team. as for the other 3 of us, we were placed into manager-positions to report to senior managers of the sister company. this would be a lateral move for my 2 colleagues, but for me, it would be a downgrading of 2 levels. my new reporting manager will be some one who joined the sister company a year ago and almost a decade my junior.

to prepare me for this announcement, the head of department called me up for lunch before the announcement was made. while she was nice about it, she made no attempt to hide the fact that the decision to promote her staff to lead the team was because they had been colleagues years ago and that she is comfortable with him during his short one-year with the company. and as for me, she could only apologise to have to downgrade my position and to seek my understanding on it. it was an emotional moment for me and i do admit i was totally stunt by her inputs. i didn't know how to react. i was also told that if i cannot accept, she'd totally understand if i decide to look for other jobs. nonetheless, she hoped i could give her about 6 months, and without any promises, to assess the situation with regards whether she should consider putting up a case to split the function and to allow me to lead a separate team.

morning walk/ jog

woke up about 4-ish this morning. and rather than head back to sleep, i decided to head out for a morning walk at the park (yes, the cruisy park near my house). and i was actually surprised to find a mid-20ish gay man there... but ok, that's not what i want to write about...

at that hour, public buses have not started their runs and the whole place was nice, quiet, and dark. there was no movements nor sounds except the sounds of cicadas singing, frogs (or toads) croaking and the water flowing (in the canal). and as i walked, a gentle breeze blew and i could feel the chill of the pre-dawn dew descending onto me. and before long, the birds started their morning songs. i could single out at least 4-5 different species of birds. amongst them, and one that stood out for me, was the yellow vented bulbul (sound as heard in the youtube posted here). this was the sound that rouses me from my slumber every morning - my natural alarm clock. it always start about 6am and it would go on and on until about 7am. i actually find it very pleasant and very therapeutic. when the yellow vented bulbul starts their songs, i know it is about time to head back to shower and to prepare for work (if i walk during weekdays). anyway, back to this morning. i was walking home when i experienced several yellow vented bulbuls singing at the same time, and from different trees. they seemed to be singing to each other. it was so melodious i simply froze in the middle of the path and listened. such is the beauty of waking up early for pre-dawn walks. it was priceless. 

but all too soon, the distant sounds of airplane started to roar... morning has broken.

for more about the yellow vented bulbul, check this link

sleep apnea

i think i have sleep apnea. i had suspected so cos i have always had difficulty sleeping through the night. i would always wake up at 2-3am every night. and i got the clearest sign of sleep apnea this morning. i was sleeping and i was dreaming of something. it was a really deep sleep and halfway through the dream, i was jolted out of my sleep cos i couldn't breath. i woke up in a shock, gasping for air. that was how i confirmed i am suffering from sleep apnea. let's see how. might just seek medical help if it continues to worsen.

captain america again

watched the show again this week. this time round, went with bee. and frankly, watching the show the second time round was so much clearer. in fact, i understood the opening scene, the little nuances that occurred during the show. the historical scenes that flashed back a couple of times... all seen in perspective.

dreams of mum

for some strange reasons, i have been dreaming of mum lately. cannot really recall most of the dreams but only that she was in it. and most of the time, she did not talk except one or two as follows:

• i was at the edge of a huge water body (sea? top of waterfall?) and i dare not jump in, but a voice (mum?) told me not to be afraid and just jump in and swim. i did that and i found myself gliding in the water. it felt wonderful to be able to do that. i was swimming (or gliding) freely and i could go underwater and above it so effortlessly. and there were also a couple of occasions where i swam all the way to the edge of the water body, and i literally saw it fell into forever. it was just that high, but i was not dragged by the currents but managed to swim away from the edge...

• my second sis and i were helping my mum with her pants. she was a young lady in the dream, and we were trying to tie a string around her pants just above her knees. once done, we had to roll the edge of the pants up. for some reasons, that was the way it should be worn when mum goes to work (i know it's weird, but that's how it was in the dream). we had some trouble rolling up the edge of the right leg and could only do it after some tries. once done, we proceeded to roll the edge of the pants on her left leg. i even remembered vividly that i told myself i had learned something valuable...

that were the two dreams i remembered. the first occurred sometime last weekend and the second just two nights ago... i made no heads or tails out of it but... yeah, it just came and went.

infection

had just been discharged from the short stay unit (ssu) of the accident and emergency ward of the hospital.

it started yesterday morning when i experienced slight breathlessness, had chest tightness and felt giddy. i brushed it off as i attributed it to lack of sleep and continued to head to office. by lunchtime, it got to the point where i couldn't take it further and decided to ask my boss permission to head home to rest. things did not improve and my temperature started to shoot up and i began experiencing chills. that was when i decided to check in to the hospital a&e department.

i was placed on priority list and immediately had my ecg, x-ray and blood test taken. by then, i was already a total goner. i was shivering like crazy even as my temperature was high. the doctor saw me once the blood tests results were out and told me there were signs of internal infections but he needed to ward me for further checks to rule out the possibility of a heart attack. i was subjected to a series of 3-4hrly blood tests through the night and by morning, the results conclusively ruled out heart attack, dengue and malaria. the doctors had ordered tests for malaria as i had traveled to malacca over the weekend. with these ruled out, the doctors said the infection was most likely related to the acute urti (upper respiratory tract infection) that i am currently having. but to be safe, and to confirm there are no other heart-related issues, i had been referred for treadmill and cardiologist for follow up.

for now, have been given hospitalization leave until mid-next week.

time to take a good rest...

moody

just moody. 

too many things happening at the same time at all fronts but no one seemed to be interested nor bothered. consistent sleepless nights, nightmares, weird dreams, uncertainties, tensions, non-stop, never-ending. and i don't even know where to start to talk about it. and as of now, i don't know how to manage anymore. life as a whole is getting totally haywire... 

too much pent ups. and for too long too.

wtf.

mother's day

i felt rather mixed and sad when i get edms on mother's days' merchandise and advertisements being blasted non-stop on radio that suggests to listeners how they should celebrate mother's days. my mum was no longer alive. but of cos, i acknowledged the importance and key roles mothers play in our lives. so...

anyway, happy mother's day (a belated one nonetheless) to all mothers out there. and for those who still have one, go up to them and give them a kiss, or a tight hug. no need to say how much you love them considering how conservative most people still claim themselves to be, although that would be really nice. as for me, i only wish i could have another chance to do it. but that's just wishful thinking. am glad i did give my mum all the hugs she needed and i could give when she was alive. still recall vividly how i hugged her and teased her once a while while watching tv with her. and whenever i did it, she'd make some frivolous comments like "hiau". brings a smile to me whenever i think of it.

so for this year, i could only drop by her resting place and give her my wishes quietly.

melaka trip

bee and i headed up north to melaka (or 'malacca' in english) over the weekend. it was a short trip for bee to do his dvd shopping. as for me, there was really no major reasons why i wanted to go there other than to have a short get away. 

malaysia has not changed in any major ways since i last drove in about 3-4 years ago. if any, i think had stagnated. the place is just as disorganized and major road works that were going on since the time i last visited were still going on. amazing. i half-suspect there were politics at play behind the scene that made the process so slow. then again, as a visitor, it would do me a lot of good to just observe and be respectful. but one thing is for sure, the people are just as nice. still very warm.

and as for melaka itself, i personally think it has lost its old charm. and i suspect it is due to the wave of commercialization that followed after it was awarded the world heritage status. and i say that becos everything has become so artificial and, short of a better word, commercialized. hotels and shopping centres have sprung up everywhere, shops that used to sell their traditional chendol and local fares have disappeared and replaced by new shops that sells things like durian puffs, fermented tou fu, souvenirs, bad quality tee shirts, etc. really disappointing.

we drove back sunday morning. despite all the observation, it was not too bad a trip. 

velcro head

well, it's the fourth lunar month again and i've once again gone bald. this is my annual practice before vesak day. i thought it would be interesting to share some details here about being bald. here're some of them:

• my head feels like velcro. and i said so because whenever i try to dry my head after my shower, i will have the interesting challenge of trying to wipe my head. you see, i needed to move my towel long the grains of the little hair follicles. else, the towel will get stuck, similar to how you try to move a piece of clothe across a velcro tape.

• the same thing happens when i sleep at night. whenever i try to turn myself, my head will get stuck. not a very comfortable feeling cos it seriously feels like your head is lined with velcro tape and it gets stuck onto the pillow case. you have problem initiating the turn, and once you move, you will have this awkward "zzzzzeeeepppp" sound coupled with a rough feel of your scalp scrapping against the pillow case.

• your scalp gets sunburn. yes, you get sunburn at the most uninteresting but very obvious place. thankfully, for me, i don't get raw-looking red scalp these days. red heads are only for that head that is not to be seen in public. heh... and to make it even more interesting, when the sunburned scalp begins to tear, you end up looking like you have a big problem with dandruff...

• and being bald is high maintenance! you gotta shave daily. yes. or else, the hair will grow again and you will end up looking unkempt. i do know of guys that even shave their head twice a day - before work and before bed. so troublesome right? but well, for me, i didn't actually go skinhead-bald. i simply cut it as close to the skin as possible. and so, my head still had a grey tint to it. so... heh... 

• the positive side to having a bald head is that you save on shampoo. and certainly, to set record straight, you will still need shampoo even if you do not have hair. you need to clear your scalp of the oil it secretes. just that you need not apply too much. so, you save money... in a way.

some of my older colleagues are aware of my annual ritual and have not asked further. but for some of the newer ones, they'd ask me about it. and in response, i'll simply tell them that i was too tired i felt asleep at the barber. and the barner misunderstood my dozing off nods to mean i wanted a shorter cut whenever he asked if i want it shorter.

:-)

missing my mum

its been almost 6 months since she passed away, yet, i still have this habit to want to call her to tell her my whereabouts.

just to realise she's no longer alive.

i miss her.

still.

captain america: civil war

i watched this show in taipei. it was a saturday night and i was bored and dead tired. i had not had a good rest since 48 hours ago as i had deliberately deprived myself of sleep the previous night. and despite being shagged out, i didn't want to sleep. it was near midnight but to me, i considered it early. i was on a holiday after all. and one don't sleep early while on holiday right? i toyed with the idea of waiting to come home and watch the show with bee. but decided that i should just go ahead. i was alone and i wanted to kill time. and i reminded myself i was there because i needed a break and i needed to find my own space, do what i want to do for myself - only myself. and i should stop thinking about others. just do it.

and it was with this state of self-centredness that i proceeded to purchase the ticket for the midnight show. the cinema was somewhat old, a little small and despite being the opening weekend, it was only 3/4 filled. in that state of mind, i couldn't really think and ended up totally confused when the story started. there were too many flashbacks/ references to previous shows, i thought. and it didn't help that i was distracted constantly by this taiwanese bitch beside me that kept checking her facebook and answering her wechat during the show. damned it, if you want to facebook or wechat, you shouldn't be in the cinema in the first place. her actions just made me even more pissed off that night. a tired man is an angry man? haha... instead of kicking a fuss, i decided to change my seat. and it was then that i started to follow the show.

and there were just too many superheroes! on one hand, i got pleasantly surprised when "hey! another superhero appears", yet on the other hand, i couldn't help but go "oh, wait!? one more? oh man... i am getting confused... again...". but well, once i got used to it, it was actually quite fun. and i found it rather interesting how politics was layered over the superheroes. it didn't seemed right, but it reminded me how the concept of power is neutral and how power is only meaningful if applied in an enlighten manner. ok, i am not sure if i made sense here. anyway, i think i am also tired now.

shan't blog further. didn't want this to become a movie review anyway.

:-)

trip to taipei - overall

it was a trip born out of the need to kill my boredom. and as in all trips where i travelled alone, i focused my attention on the gay-side of things. checking out gaymen, and exploring gay places, and i think i have blogged about them in my previous entries. on top of that, there were also things in general that made the place so different from the norms that i am used to... here're some of them:

• the place is superbly energetic. lotsa people, and lotsa spontaneity. you get baskers, painters, street performers, etc. in singapore, things tend to be a lot more organized. people are not as spontaneous. to the point of being boring, if i may add. and i opined this is becos there is just no critical mass to sustain bottom up spontaneity.

• there are so many people, and so many nationalities. and the locals are so nice to everyone, regardless of nationalities. this is so different from singapore where people are increasingly xenophobic, and it's killing and strangling the place. i often suspect singapore's xenophobia is born out of insecurities as a small state, coupled with greed and self-centredness of its citizens.

• the place is superbly clean it's almost surreal. people bothered to take the responsibility to keep the place clean and are very conscious of their own personal habits. i can hardly find a rubbish bin around and often, i end up holding my rubbish until i can find a bin, which may be a long distance away. and it wasn't just me, in general, everyone did that. in contrast, singapore's cleanliness is becos there is an army of cleaners that sweep the place regularly. it's not born out of habits but staged. 

• people are considerate and polite. as an example, people actually queue up at the mtr and allow passengers to leave the trains before boarding, and they do not push. so unlike what i've experienced here. enough said.

• people are accepting of each other and coexist well. ok, at least that is what i experienced during my short few days there. i supposed the general homogeneity of the societal make-up helped. in contrast, it's quite normal to keep getting reminders of the need to steer clear of sensitive topics relating to, say, race and religion, and people don't feel comfortable with glbts. but well, we are progressing.

• and it's a huge place, relative to singapore, that is. i supposed the size mattered a lot. and this, perhaps was one major factor (apart from demography) that defined the differences between taipei/ taiwan and singapore. just look at my sentence, i had compared singapore with taipei and with taiwan... cos singapore's stark reality is that it is a city and a state.

it's a generally disorganized organized city, if you know what i mean. and that made taipei, and taiwan in general, a very interesting place to visit.

trip to taipei - day 4 outbound trip

i ended my taipei trip today.

woke up early, packed my stuff and left for the airport about 10-ish in the morning. my flight was 2.45pm and i was supposed to check in at 12.45pm. decided to give myself a lot of allowance as i navigated my way to the bus terminal. the bus journey itself was such a bore, no different from my inbound trip. when i reached the airport, i headed to the food court for my lunch and then i saw someone very familiar - the guy that was on the same plane as me when i came to taipei, the same one that travelled with the lady. he was dressed in the same clothes as the inbound trip except that he now donned a beret. anyway, it was not until later when i was at the check-in counter that he saw me. he looked surprised when he saw me and this time round, he gave me a half-smile. hmmmm... was that a "cruising-you"-smile or was that a "i-remember-we-were-on-the-same-flight"-smile? hahah... whatever the case, i returned his half-smile and joined the queue at the rear.

we didn't really meet until after we cleared the immigration and customs. i walked into the gatehold room and noted he was there with that lady friend. he was walking towards the toilet as i walked into the gatehold room, presumably to pee. once again, he was taken aback when he saw me and kept glancing at me as he entered the toilet. i pretended not to see him as i took my seat a few rows behind where he had placed his bags. when he emerged from the toilet, he went to his seat and sat facing me. again, i pretended not to see him although i knew he kept looking towards my direction. by then, i was quite certain he was cruising me. within 5 min, the announcement for boarding was made and i decided to take a leak before boarding. and guess what? less than 10sec after i walked in, he also entered the toilet! hmmm, and i thought he had just visited the toilet?! i had, by that time, completed peeing and was washing my hands. as for him, he stood at the urinal closest to me and just stared at me! anyway, i didn't respond and simply walked out. this whole "looking at me" aka cruising me openly lasted throughout the flight all the way back to singapore, even after we cleared the customs and walked out of the airport!

of cos, yours truly here felt flattered to be given such attention! 

:-)

trip to taipei - day 3 danshui

it was my third day in taipei and i had ran out of places to visit in taipei city itself. thus far, i had resisted visiting any saunas and it didn't make any sense for me to pay a visit to the sauna on this day too. really, if i had wanted to visit saunas, saturday and sunday nights would be more ideal, considering they had theme parties such as nude night, mask night, etc. once again, i googled "gay taipei" and this time round, i saw something that made me curious - gay nude beach near danshui.

i did another check on the weather forecast amd different sites mentioned different weathers - from cloudy to scattered thunderstorm. in the end, i decided to take a bet and headed off to danshui. this was one of the places i'd visit whenever i head to taipei. it was some distance from the city center itself and located at the river delta of northern taipei. the beach that caught my eye was shalun beach and it is located a short distance off the famous fisherman wharf.

i arrived at the danshui station about 12pm and it was very warm. got onto a local bus and in no time, i was at the fisherman wharf. from there, i navigated my way towards the shalun beach. head towards the end of the road, you will notice a lot of motorbikes parked there, walk into the trial and you will arrive at the beach, i remembered the directions mentioned in the web. everything was as described in the web and i arrived at the beach without much difficulties. what struck me when i first stepped onto the beach was that there were no hints of it being a gay haunt. in front of me lie a wide span of beach several km long and there were fishermen (and women), families, kids and for that matter, there was even a wedding shoot going on at a distance.

i walked further in and noted a sand wall with layer of vegetation nearer to the main road. it reminded me somewhat of the nudist beaches in florida. there were lotsa low wind-swept shrubs and amongst these wind-swept shrubs were little pockets of sandy patches. my intuition told me that this was where i could find gaymen. i saw little pathways leading into the vegetation and decided to walk into the vegetated areas. what i saw was so totally similar to what we had in fort road beach years ago. there was a labyrinth of paths inside the vegetation! i took a walk along the path and all too soon, a guy in bright orange g-string appeared and walked pass me! my intuition was right! no straight man would wear such swimwear much less, walk inside the vegetated areas. i walked on, and noted condom wrappers thrown onto the paths. these were tell-tales signs of sexual activities... 

i then walked out onto the sandy patches and within 2 minutes, i noticed heads popping out of the vegetation. i walked nearby and realised they were gaymen discreetly peeping from their little sandy patches, ever so careful about people approaching their little havens. it was really an eye-opener and somewhat surreal. gaymen tanning and frolicking in the sun, some in the nude, as families and children walked by just a short distance away. i decided against walking further and soon found my own spot where i just sat and watch people walked by. i didn't stay long and left after about an hour or so, i myself having gotten a nice tan.

it was indeed an interesting experience for me. there were so many similarities compared with the gay nudist beaches in florida, and of cos, the infamous fort road beach of singapore. and i am pretty sure the similarities/ convergence of characteristics has everything to do with factors related to the thrill of sex with strangers in the open amidst the lush greenery of the beach, and somewhere between voyeurism and exhibitionism. darned! thinking about it, i miss fort road beach!

:-)

trip to taipei - day 2 taipei city

i slept most of the day. only managed to leave the room at about 3pm.

i did a visual scan of the people around me in grindr and noted there were loads and loads of gaymen around the area. eye candies most of them but of cos, for this uncle here, i have no market value and thus could only ogle at the sweet young things in grindr. haha... but this was not gonna stop me from exploring gay taipei. did i google again of gay taipei and noted quite a few areas that gaymen frequent and decided to visit them.

so on this day, i walked all over the taipei city. and for once in my many 30-over times in taiwan, i did not enter any major shopping centers. instead, i decided i explored the areas less explored by tourists - gay spots, that is. once again, i walked around xmd belt and the little red house area. needed to grab a quick bite. and once done, i took the mrt to the 1914 cultural center. i timed it such that i arrived at the center about 7-plus. it was a nice creative place where there were lotsa young people mingling around, dancing, chatting, and just chilling out. there's this thing about taiwanese culture that one cannot find anywhere else. very chinese, yet very young and contemporary. it was a really energetic place.

i left the place around 8-ish and decided to walk to my next destination. it would be too early if i take the train, i reckoned. it was a slow 2km walk to daan forest park. this is a well-known park that was converted from a military camp and, over time, has become a gay cruising haunt, so i read from the web. when i arrived, there were many many joggers and families in the park. i guessed i was early but it didn't matter. it was a really good nice place to just sit, chill-out and people-watch. the weather averaged 22 degrees and it was really nice and best of all, there were no mozzies! and then soon enough, i began to see a couple of gay guys... as in everywhere else i know, gay guys are quite easy to spot. i am not sure if it's the local gay scene, but a few of them carried a water bottle as they walked - and it reminded me of fort road singapore! it was also interesting to see a potato queen walking with his caucasian friend (and they were very cute too!), complete with a pretentious american english slang! heh...

for some reasons, and unlike many gay cruising haunts, the few people i saw cruising there were in their 20s. very nice. i left the place about 10-ish and walked back to xmd area - it was a good long walk and passed by the chiang kai shek memorial, the presidential palace, the infamous 228 peace park (another gay cruising spot but i didn't stop by), before reaching xmd. walked a bit around xmd area again and ate some street food before heading back to my room. was totally dead beat by then. i had completed almost 14km that day...

trip to taipei - day 1 xmd

i arrived at taipei city at about 3pm. the bus journey itself was uninteresting. and as i was tired and sleepy, i ended up taking a quick nap. the bus journey ended at the taipei railway station and it started drizzling. i was surprise to find my google map actually working and navigated my way to the mrt. in no time, i arrived at xmd station and within 5min, i found my hotel. frankly, it's more of a walk-up apartment where all their rooms  were located on levels 5 and 6. mine a rather big room - it was a last minute deal - with a double bed and a single bed.

anyway, i quickly made my way out of the room and started my exploration. googled for gay places around me and started my exploration. walked around the areas around the little red house and saw quite a few shops with rainbow flags - bars, hairdressers, cafe for bears, two saunas, and so on. i didn't buy anything and simply people-watched. it was quite an interesting mix of crowd, considering there an open air fair that's going on at the same time and that attracted hordes of straight people and families. it started to drizzle once again and i decided to head back to my room for a nap.

it was about 7-ish when i walked out of my room. this time round, i decided to be a "normal tourist" and headed to the shilin night market. there was nothing gay about this place, just lots of people and everyone seemed curious about something and squeezing their ways through the small alleys lined with hawker stalls. these stalls sold anything from pig's blood to clothes and all sorts of accessories. i decided to just tugged into pineapples, beef cubes and cuttlefish... typical taiwanese stuff that all tourist will eat.

it was a tiring long day by the time i left shilin. arrived back at xmd at close to midnight and i decided to just stretch my night further. i went to watch captain america: civil war. heh... i must admit i contemplated heading to the sauna. after all, taipei is reputed to have some of the finest gay saunas in asia and from what i read in the web, saturday was nude night and it was mentioned in the web that one can expect cute young guys in the sauna! it was very tempting but i decided not to waste my money on saunas this time round.

i arrived back at my room about close to 3am...

trip to taipei - the inbound trip

i booked a place in ximending. wanted to explore the gay side of taipei and noted this is where most of the gay establishments are centered at. a quick google for "gay taipei" showed almost everything appearing in the xmd area...

my trip started interestingly. deliberately slept at 1am as i wanted to tire myself out. woke up at 5.30am was at the airport by 6.30am. as usual, i had my fillet-o-fish meal before boarding. was seated at row 14d by the aisle and thus was able to observe people as they boarded the plane. and all too soon, i saw two guys. not too tall and they look and behaved similarly. one of them looked rather cute, he reminded me of a young wangxi (wonghei) from hong kong - lean, tiny eyes... both had obviously been gymming, judging by how their biceps were bursting from their sleeves. and they were seated right in front of me! couldn't help but observe their every little movements during the trip. i think they are a couple, considering how one of them placed his head on the shoulder of the other at times.

anyway... another couple arrived. the lady looked normal, the type where you wouldn't be able to remember how she looked once you turned your head. comparatively, the guy was rather tall and well-groomed. i wondered if he's gay, that was my first thought when i saw him. they say across the aisle on my same row. i noted rather interestingly that the guy took the window seat instead of the lady. not very usual, right? they looked like a couple yet for some reasons, i don't think they were. there was totally no "couple" chemistry. instead, they reminded me of sia cabin crew, especially the guy (i suspected he's gay). i got my confirmation when we arrived at taoyuan airport. we were walking towards the immigration and i couldn't help but noticed how this guy deliberately walked behind the gay couple and as he walked, he kept visually scanning (and perhaps mentally raping them!). he was so obviously staring at them (esp the wangxi-lookalike) and literally moved his stare from head to toe and up again (roll eyes!), even as he kept his conversation with his lady friend. and when he saw the gay couple walked into the toilet, he quickly told the lady friend he needed to go too and before she could respond, he had gone into the toilet! haha...

this marked the start to my trip to taipei... with lots of time on my side, and being alone, i was able to notice things i had not noticed in my previous trips. indeed, there were lotsa eye candies, twinks, bears, cubs, jocks, etc. will write more soon...

trip to taipei - the decision

bee had yet again gone for business trip. this time, for a week plus to guangzhou and ningbo. and yet again, it coincided with a public holiday. 

so i decided to take my weekend overseas as i don't have anything to do in singapore. i will never need to visit my niece & nephew (despite missing them), and i don't want to stay through the long weekend alone at home... and for breaks overseas, the weather factor is very important to me - it must be cool, there's really no point going to another place where i don't feel i'm out of singapore. and judging from the weather forcasts, i didn't have much choice - cool but thunderstorns in hong kong and macau, scorching in chiangmai, sweltering hot in whole of malaysia, won't want to go guangzhou, and definitely not bangkok... darned! so i decided to head to taipei. there's some light drizzle but overall, forecasted to be nice and cooling.

to make the most of the long weekend, i applied for leave on tuesday too! thus, i have an extended 4-day break! 

:-)

long long time ago 2 (我们的故事2)

have never been a jack neo fan, but decided to watch this show after reading the very positive reviews. it is so totally singaporean and depicted the late-60s/ 70s so well. those were the days where we moved from kampongs to public housings and i thought this show really brought out the dynamics of those days. it felt so warm to see all the familiar artefacts of the days passed, and hear the various dialects and languages used. aded to that, i could identify with every songs used in the movie. i found myself laughing, crying and singing along as the movie unfolded. been a long time since i ended up in such a state at the theatres.

the jungle book

caught this show on a monday evening and wow, i enjoyed it thoroughly. disney never fail to deliver and this time, i think disney has outdone itself again. there was only one boy through the whole show and he was brilliant. and i am not saying this just because this was his first attempt at acting. he was really good! of cos, credits also go to all the voices of the different characters in the show as well as the great storytelling.

go watch it!

calm before the storm

my company had been acquired by another and the acquisition formalities will be completed soon. when that happens, and looking at the experiences of all acquired companies, i am sure there will be quite a bit of changes in the months ahead. these might include changes in senior management staff, structure and organisation, staffing, reporting lines, processes, etc, etc, etc.

but the thing is, since the announcement of the successful acquisition two month back, there had been no further updates to staff. and although things seemed pretty normal and fine on the surface, there have been lots of quiet murmurs amongst staff. added to that, i can also see indicators that suggest impending changes. firstly, my senior management are starting to not make any decisions, even very simple ones. and added to that, some of us were given strict orders to not do what we usually would have done, or better still, delay any actions that we have to execute. and while we do so, we should keep mum about the reasons why things are not happening (not that we are aware of it in the first place). the need to manage people downstream yet having no information nor directions about what the appropriates responses are is stressing out mid-management people like me big time. sighs. wtf right?

in the end, i simply told myself to just chill, relax and go with the flow. whatever has to come will come. this current moment is probably the calm before the storm and i should just preserve my energies for the actions when it happens.

sleeping pills

have started taking sleeping pills lately to help me sleep better. have been suffering disturbed sleep for the last two months or so. every night, i'd toss and turn and find it hard to fall asleep. and when i finally did so, i'll wake up about an hour or two later... not very comfortable despite having gotten used to it.

thankfully, i had kept mum's sleeping pills and able to use it to aid my sleep. will probably take it for a couple more days and see how. for these two days, it helped a little. let's hope my sleeping problem clears soon.

a meaningful saturday

saturday was a really meaningful one for me personally. in one trip, i managed to donate sapphie's bowls, paid respects to all the elders in my extended family and gave all the documents to my brother. 

i had wanted to pay respects to my elders for the longest time and finally got about doing it yesterday. i visited the mandai columbarium to pay respects to my late second aunt and uncle (my mum's second sis and her husband). my uncle had passed away less than a month after mum and thus we were not told of his passing. and as i was overseas when they commemorated the 100th day of his passing, i could not be there. so, i have been telling myself that i need to at least pay a visit to the niche to pay my respects to him. it was way overdue. i was happy to see him finally resting in peace and reunited with my aunt.

i also went to the choa chu kang columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i did not go there during tomb sweeping day and thought i should pay them a belated visit. also, with the recent happenings between my brother and i, i felt it was right for me to pay them a visit. but no, my visit was not to seek forgiveness nor to get any agreement. there was no such requirements for i did not do anything wrong. my parents may be gone, but being physically there next to their remains has a calming effect on me. i brought along some flowers to place on their niche too and as i did so, i noted someone had place some flowers there too. managed to also brush off the ashes and dust that had settled on the existing floral arrangements (that i arranged using the flowers from the wreath of mum's funeral). thought they looked very pretty.

as i was at the choa chu kang columbarium, i also made a visit to pay my respects to my paternal grandparents and placed some flowers onto their niche too. i would previously bring mum to pay respects to them but i had not done so since her passing. and thus, i thought it was high time i pay them a visit. last but not least, i also placed some flowers onto the niche of my mum's third sister. it had been slightly more than 12 years since she passed away, but looking at her photo, it seemed like just not too long ago when i spoke with her.

it was a trip that brought my one round the island. but it was a meaningful one for me. i felt very at peace after the trip, and i must add, somewhat emotional. it was indeed a good saturday.

sapphie's death certificate

such a cute looking certificate right?

:-)

handing over documents

i gave away sapphie's bowls yesterday. and i also handled over the maid's passports, the hdb letter, and all the needed documents to effect the hand over of my parents house to my brother yesterday. after going through what i went through last week, i told myself i will simply leave it with the maid and not enter the house nor talk to my sis-in-law. i did not text my sis-in-law this time round as i wanted to just drop the documents and leave. i had rehearsed and visualised in my mind what  would happen and i would say when i arrive - knock on the door, someone opens the door, children runs to greet me, pass the things to the maid (or whoever opens the door), say hello to the kids and explain that i am busy, and quickly excuse myself. and with this rehearsed in my mind, i arrived the block.

i drove into the car park, parked my car and walked towards the lift. as i walked, i recalled what happened the week before and started to feel a little uneasy and unwelcomed. i arrived at the lift landing and pressed the button. next thing i knew, the adjacent lift door opened. and guessed what, my sis-in-law was in the lift. she had just returned from outside and was about to take the lift up when i called for the lift. she looked surprised. she stood there, dumbfounded for that split moment before uttering "大哥" or "big brother". i didn't allow her time to proceed for i quickly push all the documents i was holding in my hand at her and told her to hand them to my brother. these are the documents needed for him to take over the house. and this is the maid's passport, i said.

by this time, she had recovered from her momentary surprise and asked if i wanted to head up to the house, your brother's not at home, she said. you know, it is weird how you get invited to the house only when someone is not around. i declined and simply tell her i needed to rush to attend a funeral (don't ask me how this excuse came, but it just came out). i didn't give her the chance to respond and simply walked away. i did not want to prolong the awkwardness of the moment.

sapphie's post-life matters

i am glad i have more or less closed sapphie's post-life issues since she left slightly more than a month ago. time flies right?

i had brought home her death certificate, dog food, leash and 2 bowls (food bowl and water bowl) from my brother's place last weekend. i threw away the bag of dog food instead of donating it. she was on hypoallergenic clinic-prescribed diet and i didn't think it was right to give away to "just any person/ dog". as for her bowls and leash, i texted james and asked if he would like to keep an item or two for remembrance. after 2 days, he replied he did not want to, and that her photos were good enough for him. with his input, i texted a friend whom i knew had been closely involved with taking care of strays, volunteering at the spca, etc. "would you be keen to take over my late-dog's bowls?" i reckoned it would be more meaningful to put the bowls to good use rather than keeping it. throwing it away was a non-option for me. there were too much memories and sentimental values for me. my friend agreed to take it and that i told him i'll pass it to him over the weekend. 

when he gave me his work place address, i almost wanted to retract my offer. that was the same dog boarding house/ pet farm that i had left sapphie before i visited perth in 2009. that was the first time i literally witnessed sapphie cried. i felt really terrible seeing her being led into a cold-looking cement enclosure and locked up in a metal gate. looking at how she was housed similar to all there other stray dogs was damned heartbreaking. i could not imagine how she could be treated just like any other dog (i am not sure if you can understand what i mean here). to me, she was more than that, she was family. following that experience, i vowed never to leave her in any boarding house anymore. ok, back to last saturday. after i heard him mention the name of the pet farm, i sat there stunt for a moment. but in the end i decided to still pass the bowls to him. an offer made was an offer to be honoured. and i reconciled that my reaction to that 2009 experience was a little too personal.

anyway, i passed the bowls to him yesterday. the drive to the dog boarding house was one of the worst drive in recent memory. my heart was really very heavy as i drove. i felt really emotional when i finally left the bowls at the dog boarding house. admittedly, i wanted to text my friend to never throw the bowl away and to take good care of them. but objectively, i reminded myself that once given away, i should not attach myself to it. what my friend do with it would be for him to decide. and all things being equal, i believe the bowls will be put to good use. and this was what's most important. and so, i am now left with 3 items - the reindeer horns that i bought for her in 2004, her leash and her documentations - inoculation certificates, dog certificates, death certificate... and of cos, her ashes. think i'll keep all these. for now.

for remembrance.

树倒猴子散 "when the tree topples, the monkeys disperse"

taking a huge step back and as i reflected on what had happened recently, i realised that slowly, people in my generation are coming to terms with the stark reality that we are the new "senior" generation. and from another perspective, as what edwin had put it, new orphans. you see, over the course of last few years, quite a few members from my parent's generation passed away. just last year alone, i lost my mum, and an uncle each from both my paternal and maternal side. for that matter, i had also lost a few of my cousins (and godsis-in-law).

lately, a couple of my cousins, whom i had hardly kept in contact all these years, started texting me. in the infrequent short communications (mostly via text messages), they shared things like "i am at peace, my conscience are clear, i have done what i needed to do, my children have grown up and they can support themselves, if my time is up, i will be able to go peacefully, etc etc etc". but no, these sharings are not because my cousins are suicidal. rather, it was a case of them being reflective at that moment of the conversation. amongst my siblings, i am the only one that took the trouble to keep in contact with my cousins and as i was relatively younger than them, they would share with me like as though i am a dear younger brother to them. very heartwarming.

coupled with recent "break ups" with my siblings, i came to the conclusion that my generation is grappling with the new reality that our parents are no longer around. our parents had been that single factor that held the family (and the extended family) together. for example, my cousins would come and visit my mum when she was alive as she was their only link to their late-parents. and through these visits, the relationship and the bonds between members of an extended family continued to be maintained. that generation is going very quickly. and the departures also resulted in a sense of loss and uncertainty with regards how siblings and cousins in the extended family should and could continue to interact.

this reminded me of a commonly used hokkien phrase - 树倒猴子散, pronounced as "chiu toh lao gao sua". literally, it means, "when the tree topples, the monkeys disperse". this phrase was, in turn, adapted from a chinese phrase 树倒猢孙散 that had similar meaning. and if i may expand further, with the tree toppled, the tree that had nourished and protected the monkeys ceased to exist, these monkeys (that belong to smaller family groups or as individuals) have to regroup and find new ways to survive. and as they do so, they have to find new trees and learn to co-exist again.

this is an interesting phase for my generation. i suspect it will continue to be this way for a while more until the last of my parents' generation go.

aging process 2

for this second part, i am not sure how to pen it down other than noting the fact that i have issues on the neck, the shoulder, the upper and lower back, the knees, the ankles, and finally the foot itself. all these points are relating to one's ability to maintain good posture and when one part falters or suffer some form of trauma, the body will naturally compensate by moving the weight to another point, thereby creating more stress on this new point. and when this point becomes stressed and becomes painful, the body will again compensate by transfer the stress to another point... and so on. and so, my foot issues, invariably may end up with additional pains on my back, and then the neck, and the shoulders, and... yup, it is cyclical in nature. i have been told it is due to posture, the need to lose weight, the need to change dietary patterns, the need to rest, the need to exercise more, etc. and just looking at this sentence itself, don't you think its conflicting? 

i have tried to tackle one problem just to find another issue coming up. i suspect such an approach is probably not sufficient and that i need to adopt a holistic look towards health, instead of tackling issues as it happens. in the end, i think i have to accept that i need to take heed to my body's reactions and pains. i need to take things slow. age is catching up and the body is telling me that i cannot expect myself to do what i did when i was younger. and the best way to do it is to be conscious of my diet, live healthily, do light exercises - enough to get the body going but not enough to injure it, and have enough rest.

this, even this sound rather challenging. darned, i am beginning to sound like an old person.

lol!

aging process 1

i realised that these days i cannot sing songs like i did some years back. am no longer able to sing probably, a little off-pitch. and added to that, i am not longer able to sing the notes i used to be able to. i supposed these are associated with the aging process. but it's ok i supposed, i can still sing in my head. and of cos, i can still do so and scream my heads off in the quiet and privacy of my car when i drive.

:-)

the huntsman: winter's war

i watched the huntsman/ snow white show on tv two weeks ago and with the show still fresh in my head, i went to watch this show. and as in all recent productions (such as maleficent), this show managed to give the traditional story of snow white and seven dwarves a dark but interesting twist. added to that, this show depicted the prequel and the sequel of the snow white movie... so, it's kinda the "once upon a time, upon a time..." followed by "and they lived happily ever after... oh wait, not too happy yet...." kinda show.

the show also reminded me of the evil ice queen/ witch from the chronicles of narnia, the owl from harry porter and tower of isengard from lord of the ring, etc. and talking about evil ice witches/ queens, all of them always fall in the end (must be, right?), and the key difference is - how dramatic their fall occur. and in this show, it happened very fast, kinda an anticlimax in my opinion. the poor ice queen spend so much efforts raising an army of huntsman, fought so many wars, won so much territories and in the end, fell to her unscrupulous sister within a few seconds, just by that few magic words - mirror mirror on the wall.. poor girl, wasted her whole life effort just like that. i almost felt sorry for her (like how singaporeans would say - walau si peh jialat, kenah sabo sia!!!). and while viewers spend almost the whole show thinking how bad she (the evil ice queen) was, one cannot help but feel a little sad when she finally died... so quickly some more...

ok, shan't say too much about it and be a show spoiler. go watch. it was an enjoyable show, all said and done.

the silver lining

i regretted all that had happened over the last few weeks and i walked out of my brother's place feeling very mixed saturday.

on one hand i felt very unwelcomed, very judged and very wronged. yet i told myself that as long as my conscience are clear, i shouldn't be too bothered about what they thought of me. they are not me and i do not and cannot expect them to see things the way i see. i also felt very sad for the 2 kids. they are so small and they have full of potential in them. and i fear they may not have the proper conditions to be brought up well. then again, i reminded myself that i have to give my trust to the fact that all parents would want their kids to grow up well and that their parents would do the same.

yet on the other hand, i felt relieved that there will soon be a finality to the whole issue of maid, and the house and most importantly, i can start to live the life i want without having to consider for and be tied down by my brother (which ends up with him trying to control me instead). this, perhaps is the silver lining to this whole development.

and this would probably also mean the end of the toxic relationship between me and my brother. and when i think through all these, i felt sad for him. he has himself to overcome in order for him live a happy life. i bear him no grudge. what he is today is clearly his own making. and to a large extent, he is a direct result of being spoilt by my dad since young. and ironically, because of my dad's spoiling him since young, i dare say he had for the longest time this inferiority complex when he compared himself to me. i am, after all, ahead of him in my academic achievements, my work, my calm, etc. and i suspect my insistence to have him take over the flat made him even more frustrated. he would probably felt happier if i had fought with him over such things. 

perhaps the end of this relationship will allow him to start his life anew. i cannot help it if he wants to continue to bear grudges against me, view me negatively or feel inferior to me. i cannot influence nor control him and do not want to do so. i can only leave him to manage his own life. as for me, i will live my life as i deemed fit.

happy & gay.

how things deteriorated...

when i came back from hong kong, sapphie had passed away. i didn't visit my brother's place as i was down with conjunctivitis. and as it was tomb sweeping day, i purchased the needful and left it at their house, leaving a message before i left. i was still reeling from sapphie's passing and didn't want to talk to my brother, much less head to the columbarium and face the crowd. i texted my sis-in-law the following week to check if they were home. i had wanted to visit them but she didn't reply my text messages. my attempts to call her were also unsuccessful as the phone was switched off. so finally, i decided to pay them a visit last saturday. and it was during this visit that i learnt about how everything had deteriorated to the point of no return... here's what happened.

i arrived at the house and knocked on the door. usually, my sis-in-law would open the door within seconds and as she did so, she'd ask the children to come get me. this time round, i had to wait for a couple of minutes before the maid opened the door. when i entered the house, my brother walked towards me in a hostile manner and spoke with me in a half-raised voice. give me back the hdb letter, he said. i will move back and sell this place. i will use the money to raise the kids.... he bellowed. and next thing i knew, he told me i needed to do the maid transfer, insisting that i had held back the process. i told him i will check and get back to him. he left the house shortly after that. as he did, my niece and nephew were climbing all over me and asking me to play with them, which i did. 

i followed the kids to their room as was the usual play routine. and as i entered the room, i noted my sis-in-law lying in the bed in the master bedroom, her face away from me. i assumed she was asleep and didn't call out to her. and as i played with the kids, my maid came in to the room and she said my sis-in-law had left the house. i sensed something amiss and asked if there were some things she wanted to tell me. and that was when she started telling me the story... she was clearly very upset and went on and on non-stop about "this is your family issues and i don't want to say too much"... i didn't quite catch what she was muttering as her english was not too good. but through the splattering of comprehensible words, here's what i managed to pieced out:

• your brother and his wife everyday quarrel, and now his wife is now on his side and she's not happy with you. his wife now says you always like to throw ah ma (my mum) and sapphie with them whenever you don't want to look after them. also, you even throw me (the maid) to them becos you don't want a maid.

• when sapphie die, your brother not happy, he want to bring sapphie and throw her away or dig a hole and bury her. i tell them cannot because if throw away how to cancel license. they call the uncle (undertaker) at night but nobody answer the phone until next day. uncle only come after sometime to bring the dog to burn.

• his wife not happy you asked her to look after the dog but then you ask your friend to take the bones home. your brother say after ah ma die, you anyhow let other people stay in your house.

as i listened to her, i started to feel very uncomfortable. as for the maid, she got a little emotional and said she wanted to leave after a year. i didn't say much except to tell her to let things be. i walked out of the room and it was then that i noticed the things i bought for tomb sweeping was still in the house and i asked if they had gone to pay respects to mum. and that was when i learnt that they had in fact gone ahead to pay respects to my mum when i was away. and they did not even inform me about it. i started feeling rather uncomfortable and sat there quietly as i thought through what the maid said earlier. i reflected through the years of unsaid tensions and when i finally pieced the story together, everything fell into place. 

my mum had previously insisted that bee and his mum wanted to cheat me of my property. i am quite certain mum had shared this with my brother and that the sudden change in mind to want to take over the flat was related to this. and the urgency was there because he now thinks bee is already staying with me (as he has the house keys and can bring the dog's ashes home when i was overseas) and thus the likelihood of losing the property is real, just like what mum had warned. my brother had, since prior to my dad's passing brought out issues of my sexuality. and it didn't help that because of my mum's dementia, she had been telling them all sorts of untruth about bee (as she had wrongfully used him to represent her nemesis from her younger days).

it also dawned upon me at that point in time that my sis-in-law had left the house earlier because she didn't want to talk to me. i concluded from my niece's inputs that my sis-in-law had switched off her phone (presumably to avoid my calls). and with all these inputs, i concluded my sis-in-law will not return home for as long as i was there. by this time, i felt highly uncomfortable and decided to leave the house immediately. i felt highly unwelcomed in that house and that i had overstayed. it was indeed deeply regrettable, but i decided to leave it as it was. there was just too much hate in this whole affair. the whole thing had gotten too toxic for me and i don't think i want to partake in this anymore. my only regret is that the two adorable kids will not be able to grow up in a healthy environment.