brain dead

took a day leave to do my research and to catch up with my readings. and it turned out worst than i had expected. you see, my supervisor had given me a stack of papers to read and to review and i had assumed that they are well coded and categorized... realized today that they are not and i had to go thru the net to search for the soft copies. and after that, it was a case of slowly organising them and sifting out the details... one whole day and i completed less than 6 papers (out of the 14). and i was told i need to try to search for 20 - 30 articles for my assignment. so, it's gonna be a huge task to search for them, code them, summarise them, do the literature review, and then to write up the review of research...

all to be completed by mar 08!

and this is only one of my two modules!

and oh, did i mention that i also need to complete my research proposal and post it by tomorrow for online discussion and to do a presentation in two weeks' time?

arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!

9th & 10th modules

realized that this time round for my 9th and 10th modules, i somehow cannot find the focus to do the readings and the writings! and it is really making me irritated!

atm

went to the atm last evening to draw some cash... pressed my secret pin, pressed the amount i wanted to withdraw, waited for a while, took the card and walked away... and left the machine beeping non-stop... the couple standing behind me had a shocked face... i walked away...

and i wondered why the machine did not stop beeping after i walked away... and next thing i knew, bee bee and my friends shouted at me... apparently, i had drawn my cash, but ended up walking away without removing my cash from the machine.... :-)

no wonder the couple standing behind me looked so shocked!

gay neighbours

interesting that last month, a gay couple moved into my block. their unit is one level above mine and their kitchen looks into mine.

the first indication that i have a gay couple as my neighbour was when i noticed 2 youngish `gay' looking men [ok, ok, call it my gaydar :-)] walking in the kitchen and one of them wore a sports cap. kinda weird to be doing that at home in the evening. anyway, i ignored that first encounter. a couple of days later, i noticed a huge group of perhaps 8-10 gaymen (this one i am dead sure... u don't need gaydar to sense them) walking in and out of the house. i concluded that they were having some sort of housewarming...

from then on, it has been interesting cos once a while, they would look into my kitchen when i am home. and as for me, i will be more aware of their presence. it's like cruising people from your own kitchen! and it was quite a weird feeling :-)

this aside, i am just glad that my neighbourhood has a couple more people like me :-)

fading away

i am not sure why, but somehow i find myself not as bothered nor do i think so much about james these days. perhaps it is a case of me going into my final phase (whatever that means...) of moving on. or perhaps it is a case of me getting pissed off with his coldness towards me. or could it be that i'm accepting that fact that we will never be friends if things go on like this. or perhaps it's just a case of me being so preoccupied with my life at this point in time. whatever the reasons, i am just less bothered about him and i do not think of him so often these days.

but one thing i am sure, he will forever be a very close part of me deep inside. & at this point in time, i am just so glad he is with jack and that they seem happy together :-)

chinese new year

at my age, chinese new year is not something i look forward to... all the housecleaning, all the fuss over that one single day of the year. very energy sapping. and i personally think the whole spirit of chinese new year has been diluted over the years. nowadays it is so bloody commercial, even all the cookies and decorations are sold in bulk everywhere! and things are so expensive too. it's no wonder why so many people prefer to keep things simple and just get away for a short holiday.

as a kid, chinese new year used to be a simple family affair where we would visit relatives and close friends, catch up with each other as well as to reflect on our past year. the making of cookies, kueh kueh, decor and so on used to be a very social affair where family members would come together to make. and the whole process itself would be so warm. and the value of it all lie in the process of preparing for the celebration as a family. i clearly remember how we would gather around the charcoal to roll freshly made love letters, or how we would gather to fill the batter base with cooked sweetened pineapple to make pineapple tarts.

somehow, all these have disappeared and in it's place, everything has become commercialised. it's all in the `instant' culture - instant cookies, instant decor, instant everything! all these, to my view are at the expense of the true spirit of togetherness and bonding...

anyway, this is what things are today. the day will still come. and i will still need to do the necessary preparations and cooking - on my own...

spring cleaning

it is so hard to spring clean when you constantly have dog fur flying around... enough to create a nice `carpety' feel around your house after a few days! well... anyway, think i better start doing some major cleaning... if not the floor, at least wiping the bed frame, washing the curtains, washing the bed sheets, wiping the walls, la la la... once a year affair. painful but necessary (don't ask me why, just necessary)... it's a habit. and to me, a good habit.

superstitions aside (which i don't think i am), the spring cleaning also allows me to get rid of unwanted stuff and consciously sweat the small stuff about cleanliness - at least once a year... it's a hygiene thing :-)

prancing dog

sapphie's eye has recovered and she is back to her usual self! prancing and playing again... very lively :-)

poor dog

sapphie's left eye got worst yesterday. it was so swollen she could hardly keep it open. and there was so much mucus formed around the eye it's rather scary. it was just so lucky that i was on mc too and that allowed me to bring her to the vet. it was interesting to see the vet administer the dye on sapphie's eye to check for lesions. thank goodness, no lesion was discovered and that her eye was ok. she has been given eye drops and anti-histamines to reduce her swelling and itch.

poor dog... :-(

my 301st entry

this is my 301st entry! and it is dedicated to my blog :-) never really appreciate the power of blogging until after sometime of blogging. to be frank, my blog started off as an attempt to maintain an e-diary in fridae in mid-2004. that was also when i was based in the states and was really bored. i needed something to keep me going. and so i started writing. and as i wrote, the habit kicked in and i continued to write more. sometime in mar/apr 2005, after derek was outed by our security office, i deleted all my e-diary entries. i was scared. i was afraid of being called up. but it was no used. little did i know that i was already being monitored as far back as 2004. i was eventually called up, questioned about my sexuality, questioned about my presence in the web and so on and made to sign a commitment to be responsible and so on... anyway, after things got settled after signing the commitment, i started writing again. this time, i was careful not to reveal my identity. eventually, i found fridae too restrictive in terms of the hci as well as the options for me to do up the page (the fonts, the aesthetics, the pictures, etc). also, i was pretty pissed off with fridae for imposing useless and unfair censorship guidelines on their members. i decided to migrate to blogger (blogspot) in 2006. i have stopped posting anything in fridae. decided on blogspot as i thought the interface is rather simple and straight-forward. the initial days were rather tough for i had to manually migrate most of my posts in fridae into blogspot. to ensure authenticity of the postings, i had to ensure the date and time of the postings were adjusted to capture the date and time of the original fridae post. it was not easy but i thought it was important to do so so that i can have an accurate reference point when i read it again sometime in future. i have since continued posting here. blogger has captured many good as well as not so good memories and has accompanied me through many of my life's experiences such as the difficult period with james, the period where i had to balance between su how and james, moving on, coming to terms with my break-off, how i was outed at work, the issues and difficulties i faced following this defining moment at work as well as about my family and friends. i started blogging in order to capture my life experiences. simple reason. this reason has somewhat deepened over the years. for as i blog and as i back-link certain issues to past blog entries, i was able to observe patterns - patterns of moods, patterns of experiences, and so on. and i asked myself why. my reflections led me to have a deeper understanding myself. this process of self-discovery is like finally seeing `what i do not know what i do not know'! this increased self-awareness also allowed me to better manage myself. it is ironic that when i wrote my self-intro, i suggested for readers to read my blog to know me, but in the end, i was the one who actually learned more about myself. and this motivates me to continue blogging :-) that, to me is the power of blogs.

sicko

couldn't really sleep the whole sunday night and was running a fever. yet, i felt cold. managed to drag myself off the bed. took a shower to cool myself down and went to work early yesterday. the feeling was one helluva weird during the drive... somehow something just wasn't right inside me, head spinning, stomach growling,... decided to take 2 painkillers after a quick bite of mee chien kueh, interviewed one of my student and after that i literally collapsed onto my office floor... think i fell asleep for 5 mins... it seemed forever, but i was literally hopeless during that 5 short minutes.

whole body was just too limp and weak and boy was it painful... the kind of day-after-a-super-heavy-gym workout kind of pain coupled with headaches. anyway, managed to do some reading, printed some articles for my assignment and then attended lessons... couldn't take it after lunch, reported sick and was given 2 days mc. suspected food poisoning and symptoms of flu.

nonetheless, i went back to the classroom and stayed till about 4 before giving up...

this, by the way, is my 300th posting in my blog... perhaps, i'll write something about it later :-)

sapphie's swollen eye

sapphie's tick-infestation has certainly been under control after all the medication and the daily picking. also, bought a new vacuum cleaner to vacuum the house. still, i was able to find a couple of them stuck onto her body daily. two days ago, i noticed her pawing (using her paws to scratch) her left eyes furiously. and when i check the fur around her left eye, i found one stuck onto her lower eyelid (the pointed corner near her nose)...

and the poor dog, after all the pawing, now has a swollen and blood shot red left eye :-(

pressure

things are piling up... but i guess the worst has yet to come, judging from the schedule that has been provided. so much to balance between work and studies now. both modules are expecting very high degree of commitments in terms of time and energy. will need to submit one assignment and one proposal of paper next week!

well, but looking on the bright side, time pass very fast... and gee,... it's already mid-jan!

333 days to my leaving the organisation.

... buts of t3

well, my previous post states how super duper solid the new terminal t3 is. of cos, there are some things that one reeeeaally ponders about... and they include:

• why are the car parks not fitted with vacant lots auto-indicators? you know - those green and red lights above the lots... considering the fact that the terminal prides itself to be so so technologically advanced?

• why does one get a very `vivocity-feel' when one enters the basement 2 food-court? and ooohhh, the price of the food are really over-inflated!
  

• what was that propeller structure all about? rotating away quietly...
  

• i also cannot help but noticed those super duper huge toilet signs all over the place! seemed so disproportional in terms of the size and numbers compared to other signages. it's like as though visitors to the airport all has some form of loose bladder controls

• ultimate of it all was - can they not think of better and more creative names for the road? imagine - a road called "t3 arrival drive"! phwoah! how much more uncreative can they get!?

beautiful t3

visited the new terminal couple of days back. amazed with the simplicity of the whole design. yet in the midst of this simplicity lie the complexity of the infrastructure... :-) very well thought through and simply blows one away!

certainly very high wow factor!

photograph taken by sha

patches

so happy to be able to get a soft copy of this song called `patches' from bryan :-) it was such a beautiful but depressing song. as a young teenager i would romanticize the love and felt sad and how the affair ended... but today, as i took a relook at the lyrics, i kinda thought `too bad they didn't have handphones at that time, else, they could have called or sms each other... for that matter, if they had internet, they could have msn/ chat with one another; or even webcam and have cybersex in the privacy of their rooms'

lol! :-)

patches (by lee dickie)
down by the river that flows by the coal yards.
stands wooden houses with shutters torn down
there lives a girl everybody calls patches
patches my darling of old shanty town

we plan to marry when june brought the summer
i couldn't wait to make patches my bride
now i don't see how that ever can happen
my folks say no, and my heart breaks inside

patches oh what can i do
i swear i'll always love you
but a girl from that place would just bring me disgrace
so my folks won't let me love you

each night i cry as i think of that shanty
and pretty patches there watching the door
she doesn't know that i can't come to see her
patches must think that i love her no more

i hear a neighbor telling my father
he said a girl name of patches was found
floating face down in that dirty old river
that flows by the coal yards in old shanty town

patches oh what can i do
i swear i'll always love you
it may not be right but i'll join you tonight
patches i'm coming to you

ticks

sapphie has been infected with ticks in the recent few weeks. and everyday, as i comb through her fur, i would invariably find 4 - 5 ticks (both the soft and the hard type) and somehow i just couldn't get rid of them despite putting on the tick collar and frequently changing her pee spot. yesterday was quite the ultimate when i saw a humongous blood gorge tick clinging onto the living room wall - very still, apparently, full after a good meal!

and today, it was the ultimate of all ultimate possibilities with ticks... i had the greatest and most goose-pimply experience... i was doing my routine of checking her body fur and decided that i should check her nails... when i took her paws and check her nails, i saw no more than 7 - 8 super duper huge ticks between her fingers... and when i tried to pull them out, what i saw was together with each one super huge tick (the soft engorged ones) were another 2 - 3 hard ones - all biting onto the same spot apparently! and one by one, i pulled them out and the whole thing was such a bloody messy affair! i was really lucky that sapphie is really tame and actually stayed still as i pluck the ticks out one by one.

eeeeeeeeeeee...... even typing this makes my hair stand! cleaned her up and quickly made my way to the pet shop. bought the anti-tick medication to spray on her as well as to drop on her back. i hope the extra and intra-body treatment helps!

my poor dog...

good start

been an interesting first 2 weeks for 2008. apart from the commencement of a new course in my college that i am teaching, i have also started 2 new modules in nie. at the same time, i am putting in effort to start my exercise routine and to also attend the career transition programme. what this all mean was that over the last 2 weeks, i have been terribly busy, leaving house at about 6.40am and returning home no earlier than 10-ish almost every evening.

my students comprise a good mix of people whose age range from 31 to 43. it had been an interesting two weeks with them. guiding them through team activities, team building, visioning and so on. over this short period and intense team-building activities, i have observed how their awkward, cold, courteous and rather impersonal interpersonal dynamics (that arises from the differences in their culture and life experiences) transform to one that is more warm and open. lessons proper will start next week onwards and it will be interesting to see how they continue to work and learn with one another and to further their team bonds. it will be an exciting experience to see the bonds develop :-)

for my studies, the two modules are real killers. both require extensive research, analysis as well as paper writing. and that means that the following 13-weeks will probably see me spending a lot more time and perhaps sleepless nights doing my assignments! well, considering these are the last 2 modules before i graduate, i better be a bit more focused and disciplined :-)

i have also officially informed management that i intend to leave my organisation this year. and i am also putting a bit more emphasis to attend networking events and to keep a look out for employment outside my current field of work. if all go well, i will probably ask for early preparation to seek employment outside from june onwards. nonetheless, i am keeping my options open. if i am not able to get a new job by june, i still have the option to staying in my current job till dec this year.

these hectic activities mean that time will pass very quickly, just like it did the past two weeks. it also means that the time available with my parents and bee bee will be affected. i will have to see how i can perhaps do more things with bee bee more often and spent a bit more time at home over the weekends.

2008 has been good and exciting to me so far. 2 weeks down. 50 weeks to go :-) hmmm.... why am i counting down? perhaps i just want this year to quickly pass... 2009's theme will be - a new beginning - by default i guess. and well, i am pretty much looking forward to it!

supplementary card

i had finally called uob to terminate the supplementary gold card i had applied for james - two years after he moved out.

exercising

decided to increase my exercise regime from this month. realized that one's waistline grow faster than one's age after 40! and i am glad i have friends who are fully supportive of this :-) just last evening, lk called me up and suggested heading for a run at east coast. the 4.5 km covered (together with su how) was certainly a very good work out.

of course, my feet hurt like hell after all the run. but i guess the pain will go off after sometime. the feet needs time to get use to this punishment :-) and i am sure this is one of the most effective way to maintain my health and bmi!

for the sake of beauty... eeeeeee, so gay hor? :-) lol.... ok, health too!

9th & 10th

obtained my results last week for my 7th & 8th modules. obtained an `a' and a `b'. well, not too happy nor proud about the `b', but what the heck, considering all the work-school-life demands i had to balance during the last two modules, i guess the grades are justified :-)

will start my 9th module today and my final and last module tomorrow. the coming 3 months will be most demanding for me. but well, it will go, just as it has arrived. bring it on!

:-)

justin

had a most amazing exchange of mails between justin over the past couple of days. through these exchanges, we have probably revealed more about ourselves more than what we covered in the several years we were together during our school days.

and i am truely happy to know that he is happy and contented!

eugene & dan

met up with eugene and dan for tea over the past weekend. pleasant tea and nice time catching up. there was a time when eugene had envied how james and i had got a long well and how he wished he could find a good partner to settle down.

now, he is happily settled down with dan and this year will be their seventh year together. happy for them. and i sincerely wish that they will be happy for many many years to come!

laughter

i cannot recall when was the last time i had a hearty laugh...

thoughts about 2007

tis will be my last post for 2007 and i have decided to pen down some thoughts about the year. overall, i would call 2007 a year of foundation laying.

family
on the family front, things have been relatively quiet and peaceful. for their age, my parents had been rather healthy this year. nonetheless, it was obvious that their age are catching up and that their health are deteriorating. my dad's hypoglycemia has not stopped and had recurred a couple of times. however, with the familiarity of the drills of managing the condition, things have been rather stable. in addition, he has also gotten weaker and less mobile over the last two months and have fallen down a couple of times. as for my mum, she too has had her share of falls and minor accidents. i can also see that she is getting on with age and apart from getting more immobile, her eyesight has worsen.

friends
have made quite a few new and nice friends this year and they have been a source of encouragement to me many a times. to these friends of mine, thanks. as for my long time friends and kakis from my tribe/s (borrowing a word from a very dear friend of mine), things have remained stable. also had the chance to get to know willie much better in the last couple of months and i must say the time together had been most meaningful to me. the get-togethers to celebrate birthdays, attending of wakes (of my friends parents who had passed on) had remained constant. and i must say that i have entered the phase in life where one would attend more wakes and funerals than say weddings and one-month old birthdays.

health
apart from the small scare of hearing loss in mid-07, i have generally been healthy in 2007. there were of course issues of high cholesterol, neck, ankle and joint pains associated with my cervical spondylosis, cmp and ankle problems, but i do consider them to be routine issues associated with the aging process.

work
the work-front had been somewhat mixed this year. the expected stability in work environment in my second year posting did not last due to a change in management and my immediate boss in mid-07. the change brought about lots of tensions and upheavals to the college and culminated in quite a bit of uneasiness during the retreat. i have not allowed my arrangements with my security department to affect my work although my clearance had impeded me in executing some of my tasks. nonetheless, i am not complaining. it helped lots to see things from the angle of `it's their loss' rather than `i am being discriminated'. what was most importantly for me this year was that i have started my career transition process. apart from embarking of a career transitioning programme and attending networking events, i have also started my masters programme. thus far, i have completed 8 out of the 10 modules and i should graduate in mid-08. with the networking and a bit more effort in job-finding, i hope to be able to transit smoothly to my next career by end-08.

personal life
other than the one big bout of arguments in perth (jun 07), things had got along fine between su how and i this year. we have both supported each other well thru the whole year, both in terms of work as well as studies. next year, we will both graduate from our respective courses and transiting to a new career so it will likely be a challenging period for both of us.

apart from the worry and scare i got when he underwent his appendicitis op in apr this year, things between me and james remained similar. he had remained cold to me. sometime middle this year, i had suggested meeting up for a meal but he refused saying that he is still not comfortable and that our interactions should remain functional. smses have been my only form of correspondence with him and as per last year, he had chosen to either reply my smses late or not reply at all. was very frustrating and often find it affecting me. i also noted his deliberate attempt to not wish me happy birthday and not bring sapphie for his family annual christmas get together. he had indicated that he will move his things out of the house, but until he does so, it remained in the room as well as the storeroom.

i had just celebrated my 41st birthday about a week ago. a quiet affair. somehow, as i head into my 40s, i do sense myself getting more reflective about life and perhaps a little numbed too, so much so that i seemed to have lose interest in the happenings in life itself. nothing seemed to excite me these days. perhaps it is a case of being jaded or a case of building a wall around oneself as a form of protection. perhaps. anyway, i do not know why and neither do i care anymore. i had a talk with kwang two days ago and it struck me how well i was able to relate to the things she shared - about career change, about health, about aims (or the lack of it), and so on. perhaps this is what mid-life crisis about. anyway, the year is coming to a close.

on the whole, i would say that 2007 has been rather smooth and quiet for me. i have started the foundation laying for the transition that will happen in 2008. i am now looking towards 2008 with a bit of apprehensions considering the many things that will happen for my studies as well as my work transition. when i was in pri 5, a fortune teller predicted that 2008 would be a challenging year for me and that i may be faced with a life threatening situation. well, not sure how to interpret this prediction, but looking at the things that can possibly happen, i dare say that it is gonna be challenging. but well, come what may, i believe i can manage.

replied edwin and schneider's sms earlier that i will not be heading to the countdown. somehow, i find myself getting more and more afraid of crowded places. unless i get any last minute invite to a new year count down at someone's place, i'll most likely be asleep when the clock strikes 12 tonight :-)

good bye 2007, bring it on 2008!

world peace

it's amazing how some words/ phrases came across as frivolous and cliche when i was young(er) but has in recent times meant so much to me.

couple of days back (on 26 dec to be exact), while taking a stroll along the esplanade after watching the wonderful performance by king kong jane, i was asked by a lady manning the new year celebrations booth to pen my wishes for the coming year (both on the ball as well as on the golden coins hanging along the sidewalk). and my first response was - do i need to pay? :-) and after some quick thoughts, i penned down `world peace'.

two simple words. but they really capture what i really hope for at this point in time. peace for all mankind. amongst people of all races, religion, sexuality, and so on. everyone living with each other, peacefully.

birthday & christmas

it was a simple birthday cum christmas dinner. had threatened su how that i will walk out of the dinner if my friends sing a birthday song that i eventually managed to have a simple dinner that i had wished for. something simple. something quiet. no frills.

and we went to watch i am legend after the dinner. didn't find the show good, but nonetheless, watching with friends during christmas made it very meaningful affair. thanks my friends.

:-)

around the world

recently changed my passport and decided that i should do a count of trips made in the last 10 years (up till jun this year & not inclusive of those made almost annually under diplomatic arrangements /not reflected in my passport). also, added on a few more made from jun - dec 07 and 1997 where i can clearly remember the places i visited :-) need to target towards visiting middle east, south america, south asia and more of europe to complete my globe-trotting!

2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)

2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)

2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (florida, new york, illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat)

2002
jun - england (london, oxford, etc)

2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia

2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)

1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

i see dead people

last two days were pretty interesting. i seemed to see more things associated with death and accidents. two days ago, within the span of 20 hours, i passed by/ saw at least 4 road accidents along the highways (2 on ecp, 1 on pie at eunos towards city & 1 towards airport at bedok reservoir). the last one was most drama as it involved some 5-6 cars and i believed there were at least one dead. yesterday, saw 2 accidents. and today, apart from a police `orh-cjia' (`black vehicle' or vehicle where they fetch/ collect dead people from crime scenes), i also saw a car overturned and crashed into the bushes along bukit timah road... wondered if the driver died...

and thinking about all these, it also reminded me about how fragile life is. i was reminded of it again when i drove passed a spot at my workplace this morning. on the road near this spot 3 weeks ago, i saw a dead squirrel that had been ran over by a car and left to die on the road. when i saw the poor thing, it was already dead. apparently the impact of the car had pushed one of it's eyes out of the socket. i picked up the dead squirrel, placed it below a bush and said a simple prayer. this incident reminded me of the pigeon that died in 2004. anyway, since then, whenever i pass that spot, i would take a look at the carcass. and i had noticed how it slowly decomposed, how the flies and ants came and eventually cleared the carcass. today, i cannot even find any traces of it.

these things reminded me so much about transient nature of our existence and the unpredictability of life. one day, i will also die and return to the earth. once again, i am reminded that i should live each day as if it is my last.

music

i received this image from a friend of mine. not too sure of his sexuality but i all i can say is that this image is really very gay. or is it just me?

(click on the image to see the animation)

back to work!

it's back to work tomorrow... so depressing.

and that also means having to update my security department about where i went for my holiday, who i went with and how long i was away. sighs... so tired of this drill. but i guess i have fulfill my obligation to do so.

one more year of slogging and prostitution. come to think of it, this is the last christmas for me in this current job. next year this time, i will be working in a new company. and that means financially, i may not be so stable...

but well, am looking on the bright side. am getting a bit tired of the break too. mentally, i have rested enough and i really am looking forward to using my brains again. and come the new year, i will have a new batch of students, new friends and new challenges!

old & young

this post is inspired by a friend of mine and i dedicate this post to this friend of mine. you know who you are :-)
do you agree with the following statement?

"in a relationship, it is the older person who tend to take on more heartaches... especially if the age gap is a huge one."

some reasons as to why this is so:

• the older person are usually more stable financially, so he would usually be in the forefront when it comes to paying for things.

• the older person tend to put himself in front of the younger one when it comes to protecting him, and in the long run, suffers the consequences.

• the older person would usually be the provider (father, mother, brother, sister and maid) for the younger person; who may, in turn, tend to focus more on his own life/ career, etc. not his fault, just the nature of life's development. that is to say, differences in life's stages forces one to be the provider and the other the receiver.

• there will be a certain degree of differences in the maturity of both persons. and i for now can understand that wisdom really comes with age.

• often, there would be a natural tendency for the older to feel threatened due to age differences, and it is not easy for the younger to necessary appreciate the feelings much less to be able to manage this insecurity.

• the older person will risk being accused of being condescending by the younger person. on the other hand, the older person will have a higher tendency to feel he is not being sufficiently understood by the younger person.

• there is a higher tendency for the younger person to assume the older person is more stable and be the provider and expect more from the older person in terms of emotional, financial needs and so on.

• there is a higher tendency for the younger to take the older person for granted.

• there is a gap insofar as the energy level of both are concerned and this will cause a strain in the ability to socialize, to party, to stay up late and so on. not the fault of anyone, just a natural outcome of biological changes to the body due to age differences.

a friend recently mentioned that a relationship involving an older and a younger person will not work simply becos of the differences in life's stages of both parties. a quick response would be that yes, it is quite true based on the many points written above. then again, what i have written above are of course, coming from the angle of the older person. i believe that the younger person would have his own set of tensions with the older person too - let me live my life, stop sounding condescending, etc. perhaps it is a matter of perspectives. we always see things from our own perspective. it is natural for one to see himself as a victim of circumstances.

but reflecting on, i think it is a matter of good communication (again, this is a challenge if you ask me, for example, the older person need to constantly be sensitive to the age gap - where is the line between sounding condescending vs giving advise?) and the willingness of both parties to give and take. however, if one does not want to give in and stick to his own point of view; and for that matter, becomes self-centered and takes the other person for granted, the relationship will never work. if that is the case, better get out of it quickly, don't hold on to it and hope that things will improve over time.

hope is never a solution.

and oh, once the relationship is called off, the younger will continue to grow into his prime while the old would have missed his prime altogether... and this, perhaps, will be the largest heartache the older person have to live with for the rest of his life. such is the nature of the gay world where beauty is one helluva huge thing. holding onto hope will invariably mean that older one will learn his lesson too late. but having said all these, i still think it can work becos i have friends (both straight and gays) whose age gaps with their partners/ spouses are at least 10 years difference and also of my own personal experiences in relationships.

do i sound contradicting?

self-intro

updated my intro in this blog (the previous one has been appended below).

somehow, it sounds rather weird when i read it again after so long. then again, it's never easy to do a self-introduction. where does one start? for that matter, what do you want to know?

if you only wish to know my physical attributes, just click on the image to the left. and if you want to know me deeper, it is really difficult to put them in words for there could be just so many possible angles and lenses through which one can possibly describe oneself!

to me, a person's character is perhaps better understood via understanding his life experiences, his thoughts, his reflections, his views. so rather than me describing myself (which may provide a self-slanted coloured view), i would think that anyone who wishes to know me should find time to read my blog entries for that would probably give you a better understanding of me.

what i wrote in this blog as a self-introduction previously:

i am constantly learning, growing and trying to make sense of what it means to be gay in this homophobic society. growing up as a gay man has been an interesting and enriching self-discovery experience thus far.

some of the more important life lessons i have learned are that for any issues, there will be many different perspectives and often, there is no right or wrong answers to these issues. many a times, heartaches occur when one party imposes his perspectives on another. also, heartaches often occur when one's expectations are not met. i had also concluded that if one wants to be happy, one should constantly remind oneself to avoid being too judgmental. stand up for your views but respect another person's views (that may be different). be at peace with yourself. love yourself. live and let live.

and oh, i am not a dancer. just kinda identify with this nick as i love to dance :-)

daemon

have you ever thought of someone as your daemon?

my aging dad

sometimes, old people can really act beyond logic. and often it is a case of saving the cents and risking the dollars and life. such is a case for my dad.

you see, these days, i get worried whenever my dad goes out of the house. with the recent spate of falls and hypoglycaemia attacks, i can never ever sleep peacefully at night. and it is not uncommon to wake up to his howling and screams and at times, found him unconscious on the floor. such are the signs of hypoglycaemia. and taking the steps to revive him has become a drill to me. i have also noticed him walking with more difficulty these days and would often fall.

and yesterday, he went to the doctor in the morning at abt 9. he did not have his breakfast and neither did he bring along his mobile. when he did not return at about 6pm, my mum and i got worried. and i really hate the feeling of having to tell my mum not to worry for everything will be ok while i myself was panicking inside. at about 6.30pm, my home phone rang and i was relieved when i heard his voice and not some policeman. rushed to the traffic junction and walked him back.

apparently, on his way home after visiting the doctor, he had difficulty walking and as a result fell a few times... in the end, being unable to get up and walk further, he sat on road curb by the main road. and it started raining. it was until a kind lady came along and and brought him to the traffic junction outside my condo and allowing him to use her mobile to call home.

and when i suggested taking cabs in future instead of the bus and mrt, his reply was that cabs are expensive and will cos a few dollars more... haiz...

so lame

one year ago on my 40th birthday, i decided to do something significant. something that i would never do, just to challenge myself. so i swam 40 laps in the cold pool after a heavy downpour.

on my 41st birthday. i thought i'd do something too. in the end, i did 41 sit ups.

wa.............. so lame. wtf!

silence

it was eerily silent amidst all the birthday wishes and smses that came in today...

china in a word - last part

perhaps all that i have written can be summed up by one word, and that is "culture".

regrettably, while this single word and the words i wrote in the few entries before this reflected the current reality in china today, in summing it up to this single word, it certainly does not do justice to the 5000 over years of rich heritage that we chinese collectively inherit. china today certainly have progressed much, but in terms of civility, the country certainly has a lot a lot of catch up.

china in a word - part 6

"impetuous"

nearest word i can find... just could not understand the very thuggish/ gangster behaviour between china chinese - between two strangers, between customer and salesperson, and so on. courtesy was really not the order of the day. people could actually quarrel and shout at the other party when they were obviously in the wrong - eg customer bought a cup of coffee from the starbucks counter, his girlfriend collected his drink, took a detour, he went to the salesperson and scolded the salesperson (big time) and despite explaining that his girlfriend had collected his drink, he countered and alleged that they wanted to cheat him... and when his girlfriend appeared with the drink, he did not even apologize, and walked off! one of the more than a dozen experiences in my 4 days in shanghai.

china in a word - part 5

"shout"

i could never understand why chinese (again, it is the same in beijing, and for that matter, hong kong) cannot talk in quiet tones. even words that comes out of their golden gap was easily 10 decibels higher than what a normal human being outside china would utter...

china in a word - part 4

"chinglish"

beware of pinching doors... enough said.

china in a word - part 3

"change"

i noted that shanghai had changed tremendously since i visited the place 4 years ago with james. it's rather amazing. for that matter, jinmao was not longer the tallest building. even the silhouette of the building was overshadowed by the new world financial building! for that matter, even the whole skyline of the bund had changed!

china in a word - part 2

"spit"

there was so much spitting that i could imagine if one were to collect all the sputum the chinese people spit in a single day, it would overflow even the singapore river... eeeks! and one of the worst sight ever was this man spitting onto another man's overcoat! eeeewww!

china in a word - part 1

"push"

there was really no excuse to push people around. it's totally not courteous. china chinese (my experience tells me it's the same in beijing as well as in shanghai) push and shove their way through everywhere they go - in the mrt, in the restaurant, along the walkway, everywhere! gawd! and when someone tells off another person for pushing, he or she would get a scolding in return! geeze!

woo-hoo...

my holiday has begun!

shopping

hurray! went shopping as a therapy for my moodiness over the freaking weather... bought 2 high society cds, 2 s/sleeve shirts and ate my favourite roti prata and orh nee at raffles hotel! and then thick skinned me asked lk for a long sleeve shirt for my birthday! heh heh...

feeling amply satisfied, for now :-)

clothes

recently i did some housepacking and decided clear my old clothes in my storeroom (i hang all my clothes in my storeroom). and after throwing away most of my uniforms, i realized that i had hardly any wearable / presentable casual clothes at all... i realized that my wardrobe over the past 2 years had revolved mostly around my singlets and a selected few (less than 10, or maybe even 5) tee-shirts and 2-3 pairs of jeans and berms!

thinking about it, i was not surprised... for over the many years i was with james, i had frequently discarded my own clothes to make space for his... and to save space, i would wear james' clothes instead of buying my own... and over time my wardrobe shrunk...

i need to start to buy and built my wardrobe...

eldershield

you know you are `there' when...

it was a v depressing experience last year when i received the `congratulations! you qualify for the eldershield' package last year... at that point in time, i really did not know whether to be happy or sad...

it's something like a "hurray-i-now-qualify-for-the-`perk'" (ya rite, cheapskate!) mixed with a wtf!!! kinda thing... knowing that someone somewhere out there is telling me that `hey! you are half way there already'... until...

two weeks ago, i got the invitation to join the `upgraded eldershield' scheme...

now, i am really there!... wtf rite?!

slice of singapore heartlander's life

took public transport to work today after dropping my car off at leng kee for servicing. it was an interesting experience. i decided to drop by the boon lay bus interchange sbs interchange canteen and managed to observe the hustle and bustle of singapore life as i munch away my bak chang. it was interesting to see perfect strangers chatting with each other, at times in languages that they do not understand, people of all walks and races mingling, and through this short interaction, made friends and acquaintances. it was a very simple affair, very unassuming. yet in it's simplicity, there's a certain richness that i sensed - a richness in the communication between people of different races, different culture and different religion. it's just very singaporean. and it made me realized how much i had taken my life for granted.

such is the simple life that people like me, who drives from point to point, fail to see and fail to appreciate. and more often than not, bitch about little discomforts... i will try to take public transport more often henceforth.

procrastination

omg... it's coming to an end to the week and apart from relaxing (i swam, tanned, got my car serviced, read a book, watched golden compass, ate mussels, etc) and starting to read the guide book on shanghai, i have not actually started out what i had planned to do... :( ok, ok i should try to at least start on my resume writing tomorrow :-) at least open a document and start work on it :-)