logan

it was a superbly intense movie. the initial scenes felt somewhat depressing, particularly when it showed the main x-men characters so down and broken - an old nonagenarian charles xavier who's incapacitated, a logan that's probably in his 60s and constantly being beaten up, and instead of the shiny futuristics looking hideout, they now live in a shabby-looking farmhouse, not to mentioned, professor xavier being kept in a collapsed water tank. sad right? these scenes are not something we have been used to. but yeah, that was the scenes we get in this movie. and the fights were so gory it reminded me of the movie 300. heads get blown off, hands and legs get chopped off, blood splattering all over the place... ewwww...

but yeah, with the death of wolverine, this show perhaps closes the whole series of x-men movies that had run for the pass decade or so. and who knows, the next series of mutants that's gonna come will make reference to this as the beginning. 

we'll see...

$5.95

i was at the mall checking out places for dinner and as i checked out the menu at yoshinoya, the auntie waitress came up and said: you can get a meal for $5.95 if you're a senior citizen...

i walked away after that. should i feel offended?

lol!

mindfulness

or the lack of it...

seemed to be getting less mindful these days. just minutes ago, i washed my hair with my body foam. and i only realized it when i thought it didn't smell right.

haiz...

girlfriend vs boyfriend

a quick reflection after hearing what a course facilitator said (she who spoke freely about going out with her girlfriend and their experiences)...

when a girl says i went out for dinner with my girlfriend, it sounds less salah (wrong) than when a guy says i went out for dinner with my boyfriend. a guy that says that would have attracted a lot of awkward stares and be subjected to teasing and/ or bullying. at worst, he could even be ostracized by people around him. it boils down to homophobia, social attitudes towards and expectations of different gender, culture...

it's not about whether it is fair or not. it just is.

and on a side note, and similarly related to the above:

amongst gay men, there is a higher tendency to want to stereotype or identify oneself as top, bottom or flex. terms like gurlfriend, sistar, gurls are commonly used to depict the feminine side (although it also commonly reference to the individual's role in bed) amongst gay men. this is in contrast to lesbians who tend to be less hung up over such role-related terms.

resume writing

went through another resume and rewrote it. this time round, it was my niece's resume. she texted me and told me she failed to land any interviews despite sending out her resume to many different companies. so i told her to forward me her resume to take a look. and... yup, rather amateurish.

she did not give a summary of herself and her professional experience came across as trying too hard as she listed a-z of everything she did. i thought it was not necessary and just needed to write something concise yet captures the gist of what she did. the rest could be elaborated during the interview. so, i rewrote the whole resume for her. her's was interesting cos it was the first time i see a resume that listed key achievements by themes instead of employment (career history). i supposed it made sense for her, she's in the legal field...

learned something new.

sword art online - ordinal scale

augmented reality vs virtual reality games... or really? evil plot behind the games... the synopsis went something like that. and i thought it was interesting and booked the tickets for it. it didn't occur to me until after the show that this story was released in 2009 and there was even a 25-episode anime series after that. and to think that this story was written in 2009 suggests that japan is really ahead of time in technology! i wasn't disappointed. despite the slow start, the pace of the show picked up very fast. the toggling between current, augmented and virtual reality didn't confuse me after awhile. 

very nice!

helping someone in distress

this week, i learned from an ex-colleague that one of the senior cabin crew from my previous company would be demoted and that her allowances would be taken away from her. and as allowances formed a huge part of their salary structure, this senior crew would likely end up with a drastic pay cut. she was in a state of shock and had been crying for several days. i also learned that she had gone on to simply apply for any jobs that came by, even superbly junior ones. i could only conclude she was desperate to get out of the company and that she was simply grabbing anything that came by. very rash, not good for her career.

anyway, this development was, to a large extend, the aftermath of the merger that the company went through last year. you see, before merger, crew administration and discipline management was undertaken by ground management staff. cabin crews were mainly executing the operations, namely providing inflight services and ensuring passenger safety and senior cabin crews' responsibilities focused on coaching and getting their team to deliver performance. but after the merger, the responsibilities of crew administration and discipline management was transferred to senior crews. this was on top of the responsibilities that they previously had. well, this change was done in an effort to standardise the practices of the both entities. but this alignment created a lot of stress on the senior crews as they were not trained for it, nor do they have the aptitude for it. nonetheless, all of them took on the roles (they have no choice) and i could see many working very hard to learn the ropes. 

what happened was that one of the senior crew who had been with the company for close to 12-years was called up and told that her performance in crew management didn't meet up to their expectations. as such, she would be removed and that she would be demoted to the grade no different from that of a junior crew. this was a huge blow to her, considering she had been performing very well as a senior cabin crew before the merger. sensing distress, i asked for her contact and whatsapped her. when i finally got to her, she told me she was just a lowly crew in the company hierarchy and could not really do anything about it. advised her not to degrade herself and that what had happened was simply a case of job mismatch following the merger and if that was the case, she should just move on. the company didn't deserve her, frankly. that managed to cheer her up a bit. 

and i promised i'll help her with her career transition but for now, she should just accept whatever decision and just do what is expected. never leave your job before you found a new one and never be rash to make decision that she might regret in future. i have since asked her to send me her resume so that i could help make it sound more professional. and when i read her resume, i must say it was really bad. then again, i had expected so cos she had been with the company for close to 12 years and looking for jobs was something foreign to her. for that matter, even her email name sound terribly inappropriate for a resume! had to advice her to apply for a new email account and to adopt a more neutral sounding name. and so, i spend the whole of today re-writing her resume. had to correct her resume structure, sentence structure, grammar, etc. and also, rewrote her cover letter for her.

let's hope her job search goes smoothly.

karaoke

my ex-colleagues organised a dinner and a karaoke session last evening to celebrate a birthday for one of them. it had been such a long time since we went to the karaoke and everyone were really spontaneous and crazy through the night. it was such a great way to end the work week! 

speaking to my nephew

i called my maid to arrange for her to pick her luggage. it so happened that when i called, she had just picked my nephew up from his school and she passed the phone to him. he was crying when i spoke with him but was able to address me and answered some of my questions. he refused to talk further after a while and passed the phone back to the maid.

in the conversation, i thought he sounded far away and that the connection i had with him had been lost. it saddens me. then again, when the maid took over the phone, she explained that he was not in a good mood and was crying due to some activities in school that he didn't like but had to participate (didn't catch what she said but i think it was something to do with cleaning). whatever the case, i reminded myself that over time he will forget about me and that i should just move on.

while i thanked the maid for letting me talk to him, i was also scared that she might get into trouble if my nephew will talk about it. she had done something that she knew would get her into trouble. but i supposed it was because she was going home that she took the risk. anyway, i have not heard anything from her os far and i assumed everything went well.

maid last day

my maid had informed me that she will collect the luggage bag during tuesday this week. but in the end, she couldn't as my brother kept changing his mind about when he could drive her to my place. sensing uneasiness on the part of the maid, i decided to just send the luggage to her after work. when i arrived closed to 9.30pm monday, my brother and his wife was not home. i waited for the maid at the car park and asked her to collect it from me.

today is her last day. i supposed she knew it would be the last time i will be getting any news about my nephew and niece (she's my main source of info all these months) for she whatsapped me many photos and videos of the children. i simply thanked her for it. she leaves tomorrow at 7.20am and i will not be sending her off as my brother will be driving her there. i simply texted her to wish her well and to thank her again for taking very good care of my late-mum and my brother's children.

plans approved

the department finally got the plans for the coming year approved. all the handwork and preparations over the past 2 months has finally paid off. the comments from the top management, to my understanding, was rather positive. with the approval, this is where the hard part comes in - to be able to work out in specific details all the tasks and the budget and to set the key performance indicators for everyone. this is the hard part in my opinion cos it will require the whole team to come in to align shared kpis. anyway, lets take a step at a time. 

it was interesting that my boss emailed me and told me that i needed to pace myself. and this was when i told her i will head back to office to deliver an opening address for a course that will be conducted this coming monday (when both of us have applied for leave). reading between the lines, i think she is afraid that i might burn myself out. thats very nice of her i thought.

50 days

today is the 50th day of my new employment. actually, i wouldn't have realised it if not for the fact that during lunch, my staff joked and asked if i had reached my 100th day. heh...

time flies.

maid returning

my maid came to visit me for the last time today.

she will be returning to myanmar for good next sunday. i hired her to look after my mum and she joined the family on 19 dec 2013. she went through 2 hellish year with me looking after mum. and i renewed her contract just a month before it expired. mum passed away two weeks after her contract renewal was approved. following mum's passing, she went on to work for my brother. i continued paying her her salary all these while. it had been more than a year since. i recalled the long period i took to convince mum to get a maid. and i remembered vividly the first day when i went to pick her up form the agency. we brought her out to bedok market for her first meal - chicken rice. haha... on her second day with us, we met with an accident when i drove mum to parkway... all these memories are still fresh in my mind. we laughed when we talked about it earlier.

she departs this sunday morning. and i gave her my large luggage bag to pack her things. today is her payday and she had withdrawn the monies from the bank. managed to close her bank account this afternoon. thankfully, i remembered to give her her one additional week of salary given her additional work week (her last day will be this saturday). she had earlier refused this week's pay as she said she felt bad taking my monies all these while while working for my brother. told her it wasn't for her to worry. i had all along taken it as a contribution to my niece and nephew's upbringing. anyway, before she left, she walked over to the urn containing sapphie's ashes and bade it farewell. it was a little funny (and touching too) when she said "sapphie, bye bye". her eyes welled up with tears as she did so.

i drove her to the train station, and i gave her a $200 ang pow. all things being equal, she did a very good job looking after mum. and for that, i will always be grateful to her. i reminded her to let go of all misforgivings that she might have and to always look forward and be happy. i wish her well. her departure brings to a close another chapter of my life. 

niece & nephew

my maid visited me today and shared quite a bit about my niece and nephew. they still remember me! it's been almost a year since i last contacted them and they both remembered the times we played together and would at times reminisce those moments!

but sadly, for my niece, she has learned to keep quiet and not talk about me. this was so becos whenever she mentioned about me, she'd get a scolding from my brother. other than that, she has grown up well and is now in primary one. as for my nephew, he still talks about me and when his father chide him for that, he would defend me. so funny right? haha... but whenever he did so, my brother would threaten to chase him out of the house and tell him to come live with me. this would send him crying. to a 4-year old kid, being thrown out of the house would be terribly traumatic. and i wondered why the hell my brother would resort to such threats.

my maid also shared a couple of other things with me. my brother continues to constantly demonise me in front of his kids. he would blame me for every thing bad that happened in the family while at the same time attribute all good things to himself. and he always complained that nobody in the family bother to visit the columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i just simply shook my head and kept quiet. those are his opinions and he is entitled to it. it didn't matter to me.

i also learned one interesting thing - that my brother and his wife also feared that one day, my nephew would leave home and come to stay with me (weird right? considering he always threaten my nephew to throw him out of the house). and the fear arose from the many habits they are seeing of my nephew and traits that reminded my brother of me. for example, my nephew would be very nice and greet people (strangers) when he meets them in the lift. he would also bid them good bye when he walks out of the lift... top of it all, my nephew looks more and more like me with time. 

lol!

ps: but seriously, i hope my brother doesn't transfer his negative feelings about me towards his son. i think it is unlikely but i cannot predict my brothers' behaviour once he gets angry. 

nude tanning

recently, i found a place that is very conducive to nude tanning. nice quiet and very isolated. beautiful place. reminds me so much of the good old fort road beach days.

:-)

dinner with relatives

i had a good dinner with my paternal-side relatives last week after the close of the chinese new year celebrations.  

about 15-16 of them turned up and the youngest was no more than 6 years old - my cousins' grandson. it was so rare to have such a dinner than spanned 4 generations. and if i recalled correctly, the last time we met up was 2 years ago. there were lotsa catching up. and this time round, what was most interesting was the fact that amidst all the complaints (about this or that person, etc), most acknowledged that each family has their own issues to deal with and that we should just accept such things happen, not judge and move on. this was so different from previous times where everyone would offer their own judgments and at times turned such dinners a little toxic. i guessed many of us (myself included) have matured with age.

but what's sad for me this time round was that one of my aunts, who's now in her 70s has started showing signs of mental illness. i suspect it was the onset of dementia although her husband and son (my uncle and cousin respectively) believed it to be worst than that. from their description, it seemed like she's showing signs of delusion and paranoia. last year, she accused my cousin's wife of stealing things in the house. it got to the point where my cousin's wife feared going home. and this year, her condition has deteriorated to the point where she daily screams and hurls abusive words towards their neighbours, accusing them of all sorts of unpleasant things. she even went all over the estate to tell her friends about the neighbours' "misdeeds". this behaviour has caused much stress to my uncle. he has been going around apologising and explaining to people about her medical condition and that many of the things she said were not real (untrue). 

i can understand the stress they are facing. i shared with them that some of those behaviours were similar to what my mum displayed in her latter years. it was good to share with my cousins tips of how to take care of elderly with such mental issues. interestingly, it dawned upon them (my uncle and my cousins) that many of the things they heard about me were untrue. and my uncle even commented that he now knew how much i went through when i looked after my mum. i had not expected such conclusions from them but well, i was glad they did nonetheless. 

new bedding set

finally committed to a new set of mattress protector, quilt, quilt covers, pillow cases, bolster case etc. and it felt good on the body. but i have not gotten used to it. although the material is silky to touch, it was a little warm and made me wake up a couple of times through the night... then again, this wasn't the main reasons why i woke up in the middle of the night. i had lots of interesting dreams too...

:-)

homosexuality: it's about survival - not sex

never fail to learn something new from ted series. some phrases that caught my attention:

• homosexuality is not about sex, it's about survival
• survival of the fittest family and not survival of the fittest individuals
• snuggle for existence & not struggle for existence
• homosexuality is about altruism
• a society that discriminates homosexuality harms itself
• tend to be intelligent, particularly about emotional intelligence
• gay male tend to be more compassionate
• diversity is nature's secret problem
• etc 

too many...

the lego batman movie

it was a hilarious movie. didn't expect too much when i booked the show. frankly, i was feeling very pissed when i went to book the movie ticket. never mind the reasons for feeling pissed but it didn't do me good for the fact that i was not feeling too well too and had to struggle to keep awake during parts of the show. but yeah, i walked into the cinema and i had a good time. there were lotsa corny jokes and whacky lines. i especially like the way the show dealt with the emo side of batman and how it successfully brought out the very personal (and often childish) side of batman.

:-)

ps: the super inflated ego of batman kinda remind me of the current potus.

floooo...

i feel a flu coming. and it's been dragging for many days. and with each passing day, the whole body seemed to feel slightly worst but the flu is still not full blown. totally dislike this feeling. had been coughing rather violently for the last 2-3 weeks. last week, my mouth started showing sighs of mouth ulcers. then the body aches are appearing and my throat started hurting. and 2 days ago, i have hay fever... yet, i don't have full blown flu...

it's very uncomfortable. went to the company doctor who gave me some medication to ease the symptoms. you know these medicine cannot cure you right? she said. errrr... ok. i answered, half wondering what the hell was she there for. woke up today with a totally bad throat and almost lost my voice. so i went to my family gp and he gave me a course of antibiotics. i'll give you a days' medical rest tomorrow. use it if you need to, he said. and here i am, half-dead and resting in bed after taking the medicine. 

let's hope i recover well enough to chair a meeting tomorrow. might just come home after lunch to rest. let's see how things go.

exercise routine (the lack of it)

it is already coming to mid-feb and i have not come to a comfortable daily exercise routine. you see, my daily routine would be something like going to work at 7-ish in the morning and coming back feeling all exhausted late evening. and by the time i come back, it would usually be 9-ish or 10-ish. and i would be so exhausted i'd just shower and then collapse in bed. i need to find a way to do my exercise. otherwise, i'm just gonna get bigger and bigger around my waist. 

arghhh...

hectic week (again)

looks like the title of my blog is gonna look the same every week. but hey, it's hectic in different sense. this week was a little more productive. productive in that i got my hands dirty and took control of some issues. but this cannot go on indefinitely or i'll get totally burned out. here're some of my thoughts.

i have a very hardworking team. but alas, when it comes to planning, there was a lot left to be desired. previously, i attended several meetings and during those meetings, i got other hods telling my staff off in front of me that they were useless and that they (the hods themselves or their staff) were doing their (my staff) work for them. it didn't feel good to have people scold my staff like that. and this week, a meeting was convened to discuss some manpower build-up plan to support a project that has a 3-5 year timeline. in anticipation of something like this happening again, i decided to deep dive and get my hands dirty. i instructed my staff to work out a plan and to discuss it with me. but when she came back with the plan, i flipped. she simply called the line to get the numbers they need to the next 1 year and presented these numbers to me. this was not acceptable! i wondered if she really understood the requirement! anyway, i got into my coaching mode and explained how things should be done but she stared at me with a blank face and insisted that what she did was what was required as that was what the line gave her. i decided i will do the framing after a few failed attempts to explain to her about the requirements. i concluded it would be too much for her in the end. 

and that was when i realised what the other hods meant. quite a few of my staff are incapable of doing future planning. they could only collate data for the immediate one year and execute it. what this also meant is that their thought processes are very short term. and as a result, they were highly reactive to demands. to me, this is very scary, considering these people are senior managers! i do expect senior managers to be able to do strategic planning and to develop future plans easily. i personally do not think this is difficult. all one needs to do is to adopt a project management approach to manpower planning, state the assumptions and then project the needs according to the business plan timeline. looks like there's a lot to be done moving ahead. my colleagues came to me and told me that some of my people have been like that for many years. it got me wondering why the management had not done anything about it. if they are really incompetent, they should have been managed out early. but well, since i've inherited such a team, i'll just give everyone a chance. coach as much as i can, and if they really cannot deliver, i'll just have to manage them out in time to come.

arghhh...

end of ns obligations

i've finally received a letter from the ministry of defence informing me that i have completed my national service liability and that i will no longer be liable to be called back for in-camp training. this new status took effect when i reached my 50th birthday last year. moving ahead, i will no longer be required to apply for any exit permit if i were to go out of country for an extended period of time.

congratulations?

:-)

cny visit to boss's place

i don't celebrate cny and i don't do any house visits. but i need to be pragmatic about things. my current big boss invited all management staff to her place today and rather than tell all the long stories, i decided to just drop in. not too nice not to show face and be too stubborn about me not celebrating cny, especially when i have just joined the company. so... and as to be expected, there were many many people. i didn't feel comfortable as i didn't know almost all of them. but i played along and just smiled and say my hellos, had some food and left once people started leaving. didn't like such gatherings, especially when there are people i don't know. but yeah, just need to get it over and done with. 

journey to the west 2: the demon strikes back

watched this in cantonese when i was in hk over the chinese new year weekend and again over this weekend, except that it was in chinese. i personally find the cantonese version funnier. thought it was an interesting movie that makes one laugh through all the very corny jokes - very stephen chow. but beneath the jokes, there were a lot of buddhist lessons - about human nature, about greed, about attachments, etc. enjoyed it lots.

very good effects too.

bravo!

wifi down

i didn't blog over the whole of last week. i couldn't. my home wifi was down and i didn't realise until two days ago. managed to call the telco and a technician came down to fix the issue this evening. apparently, there was malfunction of the modem adaptor that caused the loss of the connection to the network. they managed to replace it and it is running fine now.

hectic week

my schedule for the (last) week was supposed to be relatively light week. there were no more than 1-2 meetings a day and mostly, these meetings were scheduled in the early parts of the afternoon. but alas, that was not to be so...

it turned out i had to work late almost for the whole of the week. on one of the days, i had to even work up to about 9.30pm! and this was "unplanned" for. and all these happened because there was a  meeting called in the evening to run through and amend some presentation slides. i personally felt  it was rather unproductive. but i guess this was the culture. quite adhoc. taking things in stride. still learning.

anyway, i've completed one full month with this new company.

:-)

my latest hk trip

it was a short hk trip. didn't want to stay in sgp for the lunar new year. and this trip was not much different from previous year. managed to catch a movie (journey to the west: the demonds strike back), visited the chi lin nunnery, did a short hike, visited the che gong temple, went to a new sauna, etc... nothing much. but wait... i supposed there were quite a interesting things this time round.

firstly, i had wanted to do the dragon's back trail, but apart from checking where to board the bus, i didn't plan nor research further. in the end, i dropped off at the wrong bus stop, followed the wrong crowd, and walked the wrong direction and... hahaha... you got it - i didn't get to do the dragon's back trail. anyway, it was a nice walk. ended the walk by taking the bus to the shek o village and had my lunch there. doing things in such an unplanned fashion is just totally not me, but i have come to embraced it and just enjoy the process and the experience. perhaps this is the good thing about traveling alone - no pressure to adhere to any plan.

secondly, i turned on my grindr and quite a few people messaged me, asking to meet up. i turned them all down, except one. this guy seemed pretty interesting for the fact that he started off by telling me how bored he was and that if i were new to hk, he'd be happy to bring me around. he had some time before his appointment with his friends. and i thought why not since i personally didn't know too many places too. and so i met up with him. learned that he had just graduated from uni and had just started work. interestingly, he introduced himself as "politically active" when we met and throughout the evening, apart from hk politics, he also shared with me his thoughts about how discriminatory the singaporean government had been and etc. while it was interesting to note his passion about politics, i also felt his views were a tat too naive, uninformed and emotional. i ended up trying to impress upon him the need to engage and understand the context of how and why policies were developed and the importance of seeing how policies were applied in context rather than just attacking governments based on emotional grounds. as for his views on singapore, i ended up giving him a history lesson, and explaining to him how historical developments shaped singapore's politics and policy developments today. heavy topic for a holiday but yeah... 

thirdly, the sauna i used to visit had closed and i wanted to check out the new place. i wanted to see what the new place was like and to decide if it was a place i'd visit again in future. it took me a while to find it. it was located in one very discreet corner of tsim shah tsui and it was a very very small sauna. nothing much to it. i ended up watching porn in one of the room and fell asleep as i watched.  i left the place after less than an hour. don't think i'll visit it again. haha...

last but not least, i visited the che gong temple. would not have known of this temple if the guy (the one that spoke to me about politics) didn't share it with me. he suggested i visit it as it was a must-go place for tourists. it was indeed an interesting temple, one that is dedicated to military general of a bygone dynasty and now revered as a go-to god for good health. the temple was very old and had gone through a few expansions and renovations. despite that, it was very crowded. i was surprised to see so many youngsters at the temple, very contrasting and very different from singapore. over here, the people that still frequent taoist temples are generally a lot older as most of the younger people are either buddhist or christians. 

so yeah... it was a short trip, but certainly a good one. 

year of the rooster

today is the first day of the rooster year, or some call it the year of the cock. thus, you can imagine the many jokes that are already flooding the social media... lol! for me, i'm now seated in the holding room awaiting to board my flight. have decided to head to hong kong for this weekend. managed to get an ex-colleague to book a staff ticket for me and thus avoided paying the super crazy price for this festive season. i didn't want to stay in country as i wanted to avoid the celebrations. also, am supposed to observe a 3-year mourning period and thus am not supposed to celebrate the new year. so...

preparing for cny?

this is the last weekend before the lunar new year, that will fall on this coming saturday. and i saw many hurrying to get their last minute shopping and preparations done. i do understand the sense of urgency and the desire to want to get everything done, and done well. after all, its the biggest chinese festival for chinese around the world, and it is no different for us chinese singaporeans.

but for me, i will not be celebrating the festival. am observing my 3-year obligatory mourning following the demise of my mum in 2015. nonetheless, i do go through the process of doing my housecleaning and for this year, i've decided to replace my quilt, and bed protector. i will not be doing any visitations too. so it will likely be a simple lazy lunar new year for me. i think i'll probably fly to hong kong again.

heh...

grindr, jack'd, hornet, blued...

yup, you kinda get the idea... all the apps to make friends within the gay circle. well, i refused to call it "gay app" for the simple reason that there is nothing gay about the app. they are simply apps used by people to connect with people, predominantly from the gay circle (although not exclusively). but this post is not about the apps. rather, it is about "boredom". on weekends, i am always alone and during such times, i tend to get bored and feel lonely. it is during such times that these apps become a convenient escape. i started downloading these apps out of curiosity, curious about who near me are gay. but interesting i get people both outside and within the app asking - you are attached, why are you using this app? hmmmm... wtf, attached cannot use this app? the thing about communicating with people over such apps are that people more often than not assume you are there for sex. of cos, to be fair, i think many are but i also do believe that there are those few who are simply curious or just bored. people should learn to be less judgmental. no?

anyway, i started with jack'd, then grindr, and then more over time. so there's hornet, blued (which is very popular in china), planet romeo, scruff, and so on. but i have kinda gotten to a routine of checking only grindr these days. and on weekends, grindr became my next best friend. frankly, i look forward to weekends as it meant i can have my break from work. but at the same time, i also dread weekends cos i always end up being alone and feeling lonely. perhaps i can call myself a weekend-widow or weekend-widower or something along that line. my usual routine when i wake up on a weekend would be - click grindr, check who's around (curious), reply the occasional messages that come in, watch porn, and then chat over grindr further, watch more porn, jerk off, and then grindr again... yeah, you kinda get the flavour of my routine. heh... over the weekend, i had a few interesting connections. let me name 3 here. 

first, there was one who initiated the chat by mentioning about how interesting my photo was and asked how i got it done. this person was a 40-something social escort (or "mb" - money boy) from the states and i suspected he was trying to pick me. nonetheless, i simply told him the app to download and wished him a good stay in singapore. think he got the message and simply thanked me and stopped contacting me after that. the second person was a "photoless" profile who was very direct. his message simply stated "fun?". i read his profile and it stated "discreet, will not share photo even if asked, just a simple yes or no". i simply replied no, wished him well and send him along the way. we cannot get any more direct than this right? last but not least, i have another person who came across as a very nice person. we connected well and continued our chat through the day. guess he was just as bored as me. we connected well and continued chatting through the weekend. glad i've made a new friend.

the weekend is coming to an end. time to psych myself to start a new week. 

god bless the world

i still cringe big time, thinking of what's gonna happen in the states in a very short while. 

for the first time in my life, i see someone assuming office amidst lots of boycotts, and protests - not just in his own country, but around the world. personally, it is very hard for me to respect him as a person, especially after learning about all the negative things about him. and with recent reports by the intelligence community, i have every reason to believe his presidency lacks credibility. as a non-citizen, it is perhaps none of my business, but then again, his leadership and his influence will impact millions, both in his country and in the international arena. and for that, i feel uneasy.

as for the out-going, despite all the horrible comments i read (the lack of civility reflects badly on the commenters themselves), i personally i think he had done a wonderful job within the constraints he faced, much much better than many previous presidents. and as the first african-american to have assumed the highest position in the country, he had done his country (and not just his race) proud. i feel sad to see him leave. and i felt so very sad to read those comments that suggest very deep divide in the society. but i do understand that politics divide people and brings the worst out of them. but there is perhaps nothing we can do now except to pray.

god bless america. and god bless the whole wide world.

arrival

thought-provoking, inward-looking, intense, heavy, strong performance - those were some adjectives i could put for this show although admittedly i acknowledged that i almost fell asleep halfway through as it was a tat too dry for me.

but yeah, it was a good show.

intense start to 2017

the year started with me embarking on a new career.

and it had been 2 superbly intense weeks! last week (my first week) was a short week but i was busy throughout almost the whole week trying to get to know my team, my boss, people around me, setting up my stuff, the work, the culture, the company... it didn't help that my "buddy" was next to non-existent as she had her numerous pre-occupations with her own work. i ended up having to navigate the system myself, which was another challenge by itself. as expected, not all processes were as watertight or ideal as one might have wanted (as in all companies i had experienced) and i ended up having to contend with issues like - no information to aid me as i navigate the new company, internal processes that couldn't be completed as my personal data had not been keyed into the system, etc. for a while, i wondered if this was deliberate so as to force newbies to navigate the system myself as part of my induction! but i thought the week ended relatively ok.

this week was jam packed with many meetings. i had to work till pass 8.30pm almost everyday! it was indeed a case of making decisions, and learning at the same time. you see, it is budgeting period and everyone had been busy discussing and charting out plans for next year (that starts in apr). and to get a realistic plan worked out, everyone was in a flurry to review what had been done, what else needed to be done, etc. and to ensure organisational alignment, there were quite a few cross-department meetings to co-ordinate the different tasks. in addition, to get a sense of the scope of new projects, there was a lot of meetings with vendors, other stakeholders, etc. on one particular day, i had 6 meetings back-to-back! so... yup, intense is probably an understatement. the flip side to all these was that i really didn't have much time to get to know my subordinates, peers and my key stakeholders.

well, i am beginning to feel the pressure but i guess getting to know people will take time. after all, i am only into the second week with the company. most importantly, i was happy doing it. despite the intensity, things were focused. everyone else was equally busy and all had the same desire to work towards one common goal. added to that, because the office is located in town, i had to change my daily routines. as of today, i acknowledge that i have not gotten used to this routine. it is wrecking havoc for me. i have yet to find a balance between exercising and work. will need some time to experiment with different routines and to slowly get use to one that i am comfortable with. 

let's hope things continue well for me.

:-)

blog title - moments

i decided to give this blog a little make over by changing the overall look. added to that, i also changed the title. so now, it is called "moments".

chose this word as it reflect the moments that i capture in this blog. and to depict the journey that i continue in life, i thought it is useful to use a sub-text that says "... of my journey to happiness". such a sub-text allowed me to continue to keep true to my intent of having this concept of "happiness" when i started this blog. so... yeah. let me continue to share important moments of my life with you in this blog. and hopefully, these collection of moments will also allow me the opportunity to learn and to grow.

:-)

passengers

i have always enjoyed shows about space and this show didn't disappoint.

i do think human race will come to a time where things as depicted in the show becomes real - where people are put to sleep, just to be woken up sometime in the future. and that during this time, humans can travel to places we can only imagine now. interesting.

我变了我没变

the thing about new years is that it makes me reflective. lots of thoughts went through my head today and i felt the need to look for a safe haven. in the end, i decided to pay a visit to the columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i had the radio switched on and this song came on as i was driving home. it was a song that i enjoyed tremendously but had not give a second thought to it often a times. i decided to google it after listening to it and capture it here. the lyrics resonate with me. and ooo, the singer 杨宗纬 is cute, isn't he? enjoy!

作词/ 作曲：小柯

*

一天宛如一年

一年宛如一天

任时光流转

我还是我

一遍用了千遍

千遍只为一遍

当回忆久远

初心始现

我做了那么多改变

只是为了我心中不变

默默地深爱着你

无论相见不相见

我做了那么多改变

只是为了我心中不变

我多想你看见

repeat once from *

我做了那么多改变

只是为了我心中不变

默默地深爱着你

无论相见不相见

#

我做了那么多改变

只是为了我心中不变

我多想你看见

repeat once from #

2016 - a year of turnarounds

2016 was a superbly crazy year for me. it was a year of contrasting extremes almost on all fronts. i lost my dog of over 15 years sapphie, and my family (my niece and nephew) in mar/apr 2016. the challenges at the workplace did not help too. the m&a the company went through in may 2016 added further to the stresses throughout the year. but on the bright side, with the gradual departures of people close to me, and the reduced jobscope meant i had a lot of time to myself and this provided me the space to travel and to just pamper myself. 2016 thus became a year where i travelled extensively - at least once a month. a back sprain i got in jul 2016 motivated me to kickstart my walking routines and this in turned helped me maintain my general well-being. i end the year on a high, looking forward to a new career in jan 2017. so, yes, lotsa extremes in the year as i capped my 4th decade and turned 50 in dec 2016. and on this note, i shall pen my reflections, starting with key ones that shaped the conditions of my life in the year.

death & losses (sapphie & family)

sapphie passed away 22 march this year. and with her demise, i had lost someone who'd been my constant source of happiness over the past 15-over years, not withstanding the fact that she was a dog. she was my family - and the only one to see me through my change of relationships, my retirement and transition to civilian life, my career changes and the lost of my parents. i started the year wanting to take good care of her and to provide as much to her as i possibly could. i knew she was old and that i had expected her to leave anytime soon. but her demise was unexpected - it happened suddenly when i was overseas. i supposed the signs were there but i didn't see it happening so suddenly. with her passing, things started to take an interesting turn with my brother's family. i had placed sapphie under their care while i went overseas and the handling of her post-life matters didn't go well with them. coupled with the brewing issues with regards the handling of my late-mum's property, my relationship with my brother took a fatal development. i decided to walk out of the toxic relationship in the end. i am no longer in contact with them, and i had thus lost all possibilities to interact with my niece and nephew. with these losses, things that i had wanted to achieve became impossible. such developments impacted me badly and prolonged the stresses i felt since 2015 where i suffered many death amongst people closest to me including that of my mum. nonetheless, their departures left a huge gap in my life and provide a lot of space and capacities for me to grow in other areas. and this, perhaps was the silver lining and a blessing in disguise for me.

work/ professional development

the acquisition of the company i worked in and the merger with a sister company provided another huge source of stress to me for the year. on that fateful day of 19 may, i was told i would be demoted two levels down, and report to someone with lesser experience than me, whilst he would in turn be promoted because he "is a good friend" of the hr hod. to worsen things, i was told to take over my executive's jobscope. this topped the already stressful work environment i was in with my previous boss. suddenly, the need to find a new job took a renewed urgent push. my inability to get a new job despite attending many interviews resulted in me getting depressed. it took me a while to come to terms with these drastic changes. nonetheless, and positively, the reduced jobscope provided me the much needed space to channel my energies onto myself. i started to take things easy, relaxed a little more, and to reinforce and refresh my basic fundamentals at work. by the start of oct 2016, i was sure my target set at the beginning of the year (i.e., to change job in 2016) would not materialise as i had a 3-month notice period. but things took a unexpected turn when i got a call sometime mid-october by a company. things developed very quickly and an offer was made by early nov. i managed to get a one-month waiver from the full 3-month notice period and will end my current employment by today. i am happy i can end this year just the way i wanted. i start with a new company next week. my next job is a hugely challenging one, both in terms of jobscope, as well as the people i have to interact and work with. but i decided to accept it as i really wanted to get out of my current company. also, the new job will provide me with new areas to challenge myself and move out of my comfort zone. so for 2017, i want to learn, and give my best to my new job.

bee

i will write a bit about bee here. frankly, i do not have much positive areas to write for this para. i started the year wanting to do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the past years. in this regard, i do not think much was achieved. two hands can clap only if both hands are willing and make the efforts to. and i said that because in my opinion, his priorities were in his work and not on me. i was the one with lots of time and energies but for him, he had constantly committed himself to his work. i'm in the retail line, he used to say. and coupled with the added challenges he had with his mum's frequent health issues, our times together were badly affected. apart from the increased dinners together, everything else that couples do together were largely missing. many plans that we had planned together did not materialise. and many of the things that he said he wanted to do with me ended up not being honoured last minute. this included the planned holiday in sep, which was postponed to november, and again to end-december and then cancelled as he couldn't move away from his work. i had time and again told myself that i needed to manage my expectations. there'll always be disappointments when there are expectations, and i had come to the point where i don't even have expectations for his promises - he: i will pick you for breakfast - i: ok, let's see when you wake up, ok, i will just leave at 7.15am if you don't contact me by then, he: ok, i will be ok to leave for a holiday from 26 dec onwards - i: i'll book my air tickets if you still don't give a confirmation by 23 dec. all these seemed very empty and disappointing when i reflected on the "commitment" he made over the radio mid-year "that i want to spend more time with my family and loves ones"... for 2017, i will simply do my part as a partner. as for him, i can only wish for him to do his part and prioritise better between me and his work. but i know wishes are not solutions and the solutions are beyond me.

friends & colleagues

2016 was the year where there were lotsa developments for friends. for a start, i was depressed and i started to close up. i avoided people, and i avoided all my friends. i saw no point interacting and going out with them.  i didn't want to share my life with them. thus, i began to isolate myself from them. people i avoided include my uni friends as well as larry. i am still managing this as i type and i think it will take a while before i open up to them again. nonetheless, i am human and i have a social space to fill. and this space was filled by my office colleagues - colleagues that banded together after the middle of the year when the company undergo the m&a. and under the very trying and hostile conditions, the relationship of many of my colleagues and i blossomed. in fact, we got along so well that many of them address me as "baba" (or "papa" or "daddy" depending on which language you chose) affectionately. this was really a case where the line between colleagues and friends (and perhaps the concept of "family") blurred. i was really touched by their acceptance cos despite our age difference (most of them are in their 20s and a few in their 30s), they included me in their programs and activities and even went to the extend of organising a birthday retreat in hong kong in dec. i am touched by their responses to me. on top of that, i also made quite a few friends via grindr. and against what most people said, it is indeed possible to make good friends there. quite a few have gone from grindr chats to whatsapp/ line chats and shared good life experiences and lessons with me. for 2017, i will continue to expand my social space, and deepen existing friendships.

personal life & health

i was mired in lotsa challenges in the first half of the year but with the demise of sapphie, the breaking up with my brother and his family, demotion and isolation at work, and the many disappointments i had with bee. these challenges took a toll on my health and my personal life. i became depressed, my kidney stones issue caught up with me, i had a suspected heart issue in apr/ may, experienced lotsa respiratory issues especially during first 7-8 months of the year and i sprained my back in jul 2016. the backsprain shook me up a little cos i really didn't want to re-experience what i went through in 2013 where i was immobilised for a good several weeks. i started to do long walks, hike at macritchie reservoir regularly, and also began my routines of waking up at 4.30am just to walk around my area. over time, i started to include walking as part of my travel plans. i did a few mountain climbing trips to hong kong, took long walks in taiwan or simply to just walk (sometimes aimlessly) in shopping areas/ streets, just for the sake of keeping myself mobile and on the move. these activities allowed me to maintain a relatively good state of health, and helped me managed my bad back. as for my depression, i don't think i am out of it, but i am working on it. in 2017, i may not continue my long walks and definitely not able to keep my travel habits (cos i will no longer be in the airline industry) but i will certainly live healthily and maintain my well-being.

relatives

i wanted to put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family and i think this was one area that i could have done more. but i do not have any regrets here. with the year filled with all the developments at work and challenges, i was happy i was able to at least kept in contact with my existing relatives and visit them once in a while. for 2017, i will continue to maintain the relationship with my relatives.

bloggers/ blogging

at the beginning of the year, i looked at my blog entries and told myself that i will not want to use number of blogs as a target for me to achieve by the end of the year. this was something i did before (such as in 2015). nonetheless, i told myself i will continue to blog although i acknowledge the motivation to do so was really low at times. but i do recognise the positive points of blogging. it allows me to capture my life's experiences and learn from it. it also allows me to connect with my online friends, something that i admit i am not very strong in - socialising with people face-to-face. frankly, the encouragement and connections i had with some of my blogger friends provided me the much needed push when i was down and the occasional reminder that i needed to buck up when i started to wallow. so... yeah, to all of you reading this, thank you very much for everything. i may not know you nor have seen and interacted with you personally, but i do really appreciate the encouragements and support you have provided me over these years. for 2017, i will certainly continue to blog.

miscellaneous

i decide to just include this additional points here to capture the little nuggets of reflections that are significant to me but perhaps not things where i could have any productive principles/ targets that i want to set for in 2017...

• with the passing of sapphie, the contact with james has reduced to no more than perhaps season greetings/ birthday greetings. i think this may dwindle further with sapphie out of the equation now. 

• mum passed away slightly more than a year ago. since her passing, i had continued to visit her niche at least once a month. and i continue to do so. her presence (and at the same time, absence) was still felt. i started dreaming of her after a few months of her passing. dreams of her were especially frequent during the first half of the year. and in all my dreams, she didn't utter a single word. she remained quiet, and often, smiling. and i do noticed a trend that she always appear whenever i am faced with a lot of distress, mainly related to work. her appearance climaxed towards the end of the year where she appeared with a taoist deity, in the face of danger. i can only conclude one thing - that she was, and still is, my greatest source of support in my life. 

• like the above, this would have fitted in as a para on "family" but i decided against having one. i had broken off all contacts with my brother and as of today the only news i receive about my niece or nephew was through my maid. i had continued to pay her her salary and the maid levy through the year. she had informed me of her intentions to leave in dec 16 but later postpone it to jan/ feb 2017. as for my other family members, i remained in contact with my second sis. other than that, my contact with my first sis remain inconsistent and cold. but it didn't bother me.

• this piece would probably fit in in the "health/ personal life" para but it doesn't flow with the current content. i had my first experience with drugs this year. this was in addition to the increased use of poppers. for the drug intake, it was a deliberate decision i took for the experience. i was also depressed, lonely and i desperately wanted an escape. that was it. i do not think i will repeat it again. i didn't like it, but that is not the point. it is not right.

so that was the 2016 for me, a year where there were extremes in many ways, both in terms of loses as well as gains. and within the year, i can clearly divide it into 2 clear halves. all the negatives happened mostly before july. after that, many positive things happened and i am glad to say that things are really looking up as i end the year. and with this, i shall christen 2016 a year of turnarounds. i enter my 5th decade on earth in 2017 and i am sure it will be an exciting year for me.

happy 2017 everyone.

la la land

this is a story about 2 aspiring artistes and their struggles to achieve success in hollywood. the story focused on how they met, fell in love, put their relationship aside in favour of career, and ended with how they eventually met again 5 years later, each having their own lives. simple story. and perhaps true to the story, the lead actor (ryan gosling) and actress (emma stone) and everyone else in the show came across as really amateurish in their acting. nonetheless, this show was a feel-good show and i enjoyed the overall production and its music. there were of cos a few little gems that surprised me - john legend, nicely choreographed dances, haunting music pieces, etc...

nice way to spend my last night in taipei.

taiwan day 4 - home

all too soon, my 4 days in taiwan came to an end.

the journey back was similarly poignant as my journey to taipei. it was my final staff travel flight. and this time round, i knew 3 out of the 4 cabin crew. and similar to the in-bound flight, they wanted to take photos with me. but the highlight of this return trip was that i sat beside an american and his singaporean wife.

this person was really interesting. he is norman, 62 years old, came from new jersey, left home at the age of 22, bought a car, drove to california - yup, east to west coast - and work there for a couple of years, got himself established and eventually moved to asia where he lived in several countries. married his first wife in philippines, divorced and married his second wife in singapore. and he had been in singapore for 17 years... and all these years, he remained a tourist, travelling in and out of the country frequently doing his business trips around asia. through the whole journey, we chatted almost non-stop and he was a very well exposed and learned person, sharing his views about all sorts of things. 

reflecting, this taiwan trip was rather impromptu and some of the best things that happened to me were unexpected - tomio, ryan, norman... and it was really good to be able to interact with them. 

and to top off this trip, my colleagues were waiting for me for dinner when i arrived.

it was a good end to my time with the company.

taiwan day 3 - taipei

i moved from kaohsiung to taipei on the third day of my trip. this was also the day i took things easy. woke up late, had a heavy breakfast, watched tv and checked out the hotel at 12pm. once again, ryan offered to pick me up and send me to the high speed rail. 

the journey took a little longer than the first day as taipei was 2 stops further north. by the time i reached taipei, it was 4-plus in the afternoon. decided to book the same hotel that i stayed the last time round. it was located right in the center of ximending area and was very central and convenient. checked in, got my phone charged and headed out. i only have one evening here and decided that i should do something familiar. and so in the end, i headed to dongmen for a good dinner. this was the same place i ate with bee the last time we visited and this time round, i surprised myself by downing 3 dishes (of chicken, pigs liver, and asparagus) and a bowl of rice. and i down it with a large bottle of local beer. yumzzzzz!

the thing about dinners at familiar places is that it is as much comfort food for the stomach as it is for the soul. there is minimal stress about wondering what to order, what to eat, where to go, etc. you just need to remember where to go and just do it. and after that hearty dinner, i headed to danshui - another familiar place. i had visited the old street market there a couple of times and i liked it. but my previous visits were in the day and i thought it would be nice to visit at night this time round. i reached danshui at about 7pm and was kinda surprised to note that there is new a newly build underground road that begins at the start of the old street market. and with this, the previous all rounded access to the old street was no more. but what's most striking to me, much like kaohsiung, was the lack of crowds... it was almost dead. such scenes was almost unheard of just last year.

and i was reminded of what ryan told me - that after the new president came into power, the chinese tourists disappeared. and with that, many businesses failed, and many housing estates that was in the midst of constructions stopped. it was rather sad to see such drastic change in taiwan but i supposed that was what the locals wanted. ryan made a comparison with brexit and said that that was what many taiwanese wanted as they feared the lost of their taiwanese identity given the influx of chinese tourists. hmmm... 

there was one single event that stood out for me this trip to danshui. i had just walked into the old street market when i saw someone really really familiar. this guy was tall, fair, handsome, and struck a commanding figure amidst the crowd. he was walking with a kid and a woman, supposedly his wife. i recognised him as norman straightaway, a student of mine when i was teaching in the command and staff college in 2006. he looked at me, nodded at me and smiled at me. i guessed he must have caught me staring at him. i smiled back but did not call him. it couldn't be norman. it was against all logic. norman had died from cancer in 2007. i walked on, dazed, and i kept turning back to look at this norman-lookalike. it was just too strikingly similar.

i ended the night back in ximending and decided to check out a taipei gay sauna. another disappointment. not worth writing. and in the end, i decided to catch a midnight show - la la land. that was how i spend my third day in taiwan.

:-)

taiwan day 2 - around kaohsiung

day 2 was rather relaxing and full of nice surprises. as i said, the hotel was really good and i ended up just lazing in the hotel until close to lunch. 

and once again, another person contacted me in grindr (let's call him ryan). he look really decent - the very business man kinda look and he was local. we chatted a while and he gave me some suggestions about where to go in kaohsiung. in the end, i decided to visit the lotus lake. this lake was a tourist attraction that i had visited in the late 80s when i did my national service and i wanted to take a look at it again. this was the same lake that many singaporean conscripts visit at the end of their taiwan training. i arrived at the place about lunch time. and apart from the temples, the dragon/ tiger pagodas and the goddess of mercy statues, everything else seemed a lot dirtier and messier. for some reasons, kaohsiung today didn't seemed like the same as the kaohsiung i knew in the 80s. nonetheless, i continued my walk and simply soaked in the ambience, the cool breeze and the scenes. and this was when something interesting happened.

i was walking at the goddess of mercy statue when someone called out to me. i turned my head and it turned out to be a japanese young man called tomio. he had thought i was japanese and decided to call out to me. nonetheless, despite his splattering english and my near ignorance of the japanese language, we continued chatting and walked the lake together like two old friends, or rather, father and son. tomio was 23 years old. ha! he was a junior school teacher and was on his first trip overseas. interestingly, he had based himself in taipei and had bought a 3-day travel pass on the high speed rail. that was very brave of him, i thought. we chatted about all sorts of things and i asked if he had a girlfriend to which he said no. and he asked me the same question and i replied similar. he was curious why i had travelled alone too and asked why i had remained single. i simply told him - i am gay. he took it very well. in fact, he was very nonchalant about it, i must say. and i asked if he was one too and he said no, he would like to get married and settle down one day. we walked and chatted for about 2 - 3 hours as we walked to the train station before parting. he wanted to head to tainan to do some shopping for the evening. and i wanted to head back to my hotel. we exchanged numbers and i offered to bring him around in singapore if he visits one day. he's such a sweet guy.

in the evening, ryan contacted me again and offered to drive me around kaohsiung city. i felt a little embarrassed with his friendliness and hospitality but decided to accept his offer in the end. i was, after all, rather lost about where to go and furthermore, after chatting with him for a large part of the day, i thought he was a nice person. and indeed he was. in one evening, i got to visit another local night market (although i decided against going in as it was superbly crowded), the love river, the hill top lookout to see the kaohsiung night skyline, etc... lotsa places that probably only locals know. and to top it off, he bought me soy milk with some snacks - kaohsiung local delights. it was a great evening and we chatted about many things - from taiwanese politics to donald trump, to kaohsiung, and singapore, etc. by the time he dropped me off, it was almost 10pm. it was a really pleasant evening.

that capped my second day in kaohsiung.

:-)

taiwan day 1 - kaohsiung

it was an interesting journey for me this time round. the crew knew i had resigned and we took photos on board. it was kinda bitter sweet for us all cos i had trained them and they reminisce about the good times we had during training and the lesson they'd learned. i supposed to them, they cannot imagine me leaving the company as i had come to be the face that represent the company to them. and i cannot blame them as i had taught them about company history, culture, values, etc... and i had also covered brand, service etc too. nonetheless, it was a poignant moment for me, and i believe them too.

but the highlight of the journey was that in the plane, there was an ex-minister and his family. many people were whispering to each other of his presence. nonetheless, everyone seemed pretty happy to see him as he was a good minister who had had a very good track record and connection with the grassroots. we exchanged a couple of words after disembarking and he shared that he was on holiday with his family and will be spending time at a local hot spring in taipei.

the trip to kaohsiung was uneventful but just as exciting for me. it was after all my first attempt taking the taiwanese high speed rail. and i was rather impressed by the smoothness of the journey. the trip between taipei and kaohsiung took about two and a half hour. not too long and very comfortable. a quick nap and i was there. of cos, it was rather cool that i had a rather nice looking gentleman seated next to me through the whole journey (yup, that is how shallow i can be).... lol.

the hotel was really good and came fully equipped with all sorts of gadgets including a toilet seat that has a heater, auto wash (for both the asshole as well as for vagine (for ladies)) that allowed one to decide on the preferred water pressure. but frankly, such gadgets was not for me. nothing beats using my own hands to clean myself. for some reasons, it didn't feel right to be "auto-cleaned" by a toilet seat. heh... ok, too much info. anyway, the room was so comfortable that i ended up just lazing in my bed and watching national geographic until dinner time! and yes, i was surprised that the hotel served free buffet supper on top of the daily breakfast. this was really a first for me. 

my first evening was spend walking along the famous liuhe night market. but it was rather disappointing cos there was no crowd and most of the people i saw were either from hong kong or singapore. you can identify them from the way they speak! doh! and so, i did a hasty retreat from the night market and headed to the sauna. hi-man was supposedly the best gay sauna in kaohsiung, but it turned out to be the second disappointment for the night. yup, the place was big and clean, but there were hardly anyone there. and coupled with that, i was first amused, then disappointed, that sauna customers walked around in underwear! omg! ended up, i was the only person to walk around in the nude. and this was another first for me! i left in less than half hour.

was watching tv in the hotel when someone in grindr contacted me. he wanted to meet up but i was not too keen although i chatted with him. afterall, i had washed up and ready to retire for the night. but after sometime, he came across as rather nice and i thought i might just meet him for a quick drink. it was then that he mentioned he was deaf. that kinda threw me off. i was generally ok with deaf people but i was really not ready to meet up with one during my break. in the end, i politely turned him down and suggested we continue chatting another time.

i slept early that night.

taiwan trip

for the last week of the month, i had planned for a trip overseas. once again, bee pulled out of the trip due to work. i have given up asking.

i had initially planned for either china, japan, hk or taiwan. and although hk was my preferred destination given the friendly public transport system, i decided to give it a miss this time round as i had been there some 6-7 times this year. as for china destinations, the smog factor was a huge turn off. and after checking for flight details, i noted the unavailability of in-bound tickets for staff through the new year for japanese destinations. so that left me with taiwan.

so... yeah, here i am in kaohsiung. been here since yesterday and i will leave for taipei tomorrow. will spend a day in taipei before heading back to singapore. would have loved to spend more time here had it not for the fact that i had to attend a department dinner on the 30 dec.

:-)

rouge one: a star wars story

this story, like all previous star wars stories did not disappoint. enjoyed it and the final scene when princess leia appeared was a huge surprise!

:-)

departures

"i am leaving the company, but i am not leaving my family"

that was what i told a whole lot of my very close colleagues when they held a farewell dinner for me. but to be exact, it is not the company i am leaving. it is my leaders that i am leaving. imo, my leaders had failed terribly and it is getting increasing difficult to work with them. as for my very close colleagues (and for some, i think would be more appropriate to refer to them as "friends"), my message to them was - no, i will still be there for their gatherings and dinners and in contact with them. 

:-)

ingredients of a successful m&a

as i leave my company and reflect about what the company went through over the past months, a few key themes were clear. these reinforced the lessons i have learned over time. i summarise them as follows:

• leadership is important, and this is even more so in a merger and acquisition situation. my ceo had refused to discuss nor talk about vision or core values. this, in my opinion, formed the biggest single hurdle in the integration process. without a clear vision, teams from the two company that come together, cannot move forward as one. and as a result, whatever energies people have, ended up directed at each other in a negative way. the we vs them mentality became the order of the day.

• when the above happened, leaders down the line, the minus-1 and minus-2 levels begin to take sides, and began to fight with one another. information do not get shared, people downstream, begin to get this differential treatment, real or perceived perhaps is not the point, but the end is the same, teams end up not working in tandem or team members began to fight and worst still, rebel.

• associated with direction, there is also a need to clearly articulate what right behaviour is expected. in another words, values must be articulated. in my merged entity, none was done. in fact, the ceo insisted that the merged entity was ok (i think he was in denial) and insisted that the values of the two previous companies were similar and continued to keep them separate. this, while technically is correct, send the message to the company that the merger was "superficial" and that technically, the company was still very much 2 former entities that was merely placed together.

• communications must be consistent and clear. it is a critical component of engagement and must be cascaded clearly down the chain clearly and with a consistent message. absence of this will lead to chaos and in-fighting. one side will try to bully the other side... too much to talk about in this area...

• respect and sensitivity is of utmost importance. companies are made of people, and people have feelings and needs to be respected. management should not take sides, and should not use sentences that allow lots of room for people downstream to interpret. 

ok, just too many things to write here... but too lazy... haha... but yup, you get the drift. leadership, direction, values, communications, engagement, respect... all critical ingredients of a successful m&a. sadly, there was none in my company. it seemed like the ceo was just doing all these to complete his kpi and getting himself ready to be posted back to the parent company. and with this, the head of hr played so much politics and created so much divide amongst the minus-1 level that the whole environment became so toxic people are leaving in droves...

my last day

i leave my company end of this year. and as i will clear some leave next week, yesterday was my last working day. 

with all the celebrations, lunches, dinners, etc... the final day eventually arrived. i had to make my rounds to the various departments to do my clearance. when i reached my ops department, a few people crowded around me and wished me well. my coo came too and we spoke for a while. he wished me well, saying at the same time that "its too bad, they don't know how to appreciate experience." it was interesting that he used the word "they" instead of something more neutral or collective such as "management". but it reflected the state of the merger - that after 7 months, the "we" versus "them" mentality is still very strong. i am sure this is to be expected as full integration will take a long time. 

overall, it was an emotional day for me. i felt a lot of different and conflicting emotions - happiness, relief, sadness, apprehension, etc. happy and relieved for the fact that i will be out of this situation where i feel mentally unchallenged and having to report to a management that refuse to engage. on the other hand, i felt sad that i will be leaving a lot of colleagues whom i had grown very close to, especially over the last year. and apprehensive because my joining of a new company will bring me into uncharted territories and meeting new people. but well, this apprehension is a positive tension for me, and that, in my opinion is a good thing.

i look forward to my next lap.

:-)

feasting

i had been eating so much the last two months, it was really difficult not to gain weight. haha... 

apart from the daily farewell lunches, dinners and coffee breaks, there were also several christmas meals. and talking about farewell lunches, every department (from my side of the company) organised lunches for me. this was on top of they many other lunches i had with people (cliques) from across departments. but all these aside, i appreciated the fact that i had the opportunity to catch with most of my colleagues. and it was heartening for the fact that everyone framed it not really as just a farewell lunch, but also a lunch to celebrate my moving on to a better job.

and pre-empting the awkwardness everyone would feel if my (merged) department were to organise a lunch for me, i asked that the lunch be dispensed with. nonetheless, my reporting manager asked my ex-staff (who now reports to him) to organise a section lunch for me. when he said that, i was like - errr.... the thing is - none of us in the section are comfortable with him. accordingly, we had had two lunches over the last few months and consistently, through all these lunches, there were so many awkward and silent moments that we really didn't wish to eat with him anymore. conveniently, my staff told him my lunches were all fully booked. heh... that was not a lie totally though. so in the end, we got away not having lunches with him, and my other section colleagues were happy about it too. and as for my other section colleagues, we had a good lunch when our reporting manager went on leave. heh!

:-)

50th birthday

i turned 50 on 17 dec.

and i had so many people celebrating it for me. a week before, my colleagues (whom i was very close to) organised a bbq at the beach. it was fun max as families came along, and we simply ate and drink ourselves stupid.

secondly my staff (who now reports to another person) wanted to surprise me with a birthday cake, but i found out... epic failure one of them said. hahaha... but the birthday celebration in office turned out a little more politically sensitive that expected. you see, my merged department has this practice where every month, one colleague will organise a birthday celebration for everyone bored in that month. in december, it so happened that another girl (from the other airline that we merged with) was born on the same day as me - 17 dec. and it so happened that the one who was supposed to organise the dec birthday had left and no one took over this task.

and what happened was, for my birthday, my ex-staff organised a birthday party for me. and she invited people i was close to to celebrate the cake cutting together. and as i was very close to many people from my side of the airline, almost all departments from my side was represented. and in my department didn't take too well to the fact that people from across all departments came and celebrate my birthday but no one arranged for a celebration of the other colleague who had the same birthdate at me in my department. and to make it up to her, my reporting manager tasked my ex-staff to organise an impromptu celebration for her immediately after mine. and for this department celebration, i was left out. i was actually rather ok by this arrangement until one girl in the department said, during the phototaking, that "hey, we should get jeffrey to also hold the birthday cake and take a department photo". everyone felt superbly awkward...

ok, didn't know if i made sense in the para above. but yeah... when midnight struck, my department head (who had not spoken to me since the merger) send this girl birthday greetings but not to me. and i suspected some others in the department noticed the differences in the treatment and chose to send personal birthday wishes to me instead. but it didn't bother me. in fact, i couldn't care. nonetheless, people read a lot into this disparity in my department head's behaviour and it ended up once again in an awkward "me vs the rest of the department" kinda outcome. anyway, i just ignored the whole affair.

and last but not least, a few close colleagues organised a hong kong trip to celebrate my birthday. 

best birthday celebrations of my life.

:-)