cny anxieties

i think mum is getting anxious about chinese new year (cny) again.

she had been behaving weird these days. added to that, i get quite pissed off with her insistence that i go to my brother's place to look after the kids while he and his wife do the shopping and preparations for cny. it did not matter that i had not done my own preparations, buy groceries, wash the car, clean the house, etc. when i told her that, she simply said you are not married, what kinda preparations do you need to do? yet on the other hand, she wanted me to prepare the ang pows for her, buy new clothes, etc. i was rather pissed off by yesterday that i told her to stop showing favouritism and instead recognise i myself need the space to do my own preparations. her mood changed on the spot she stopped talking to me. and this morning, she started throwing tantrums again.

anyway, by lunch time today, she regained some of her sanity and out of nowhere, as me if i had completed my cny grocery shopping to which i replied no. i think that kinda hit her for she suddenly asked to go home (although i suspect it was also becos she was bored being at my brother's place). 

:-)

$198

my sinseh wrote me a prescription when i went to see him last thursday. he said it was for mum, and that the prescription was to boost her overall well-being and energy. but he advised that i should purchase it from people i am familiar with as the herbs in the prescriptions are very expensive.

so that was what i did this morning. i brought mum to the chinese medical shop and showed the shop attendant the prescription. he took a look and immediately told me that it would cost me a lot. after some discussion and negotiation, we agreed on the price - $198.

yup, that was the price i paid for some ginseng (人参), cordyceps (冬虫草), and wolfberries (枸杞子). i was supposed to double-boil the content with a bowl of water and administer it to mum. and to ensure i get the most out of the herbs, i was supposed to use it repeatedly until it turns bland.

:-)

weird dream...

scenario: a military exercise involving troops moving stealthily into position below some hills. it was just before the h-hour, the time of the commencement of an assault. i was walking some distance away with an ex-military colleague (or so i thought, but he was someone more senior than me) and sharing my views about the hills where i had trained in decades ago. i shared about the reasons why i prefer one hill over the other.

the scene somehow morphed. the soldiers faraway were still moving. but their attire had turned to that of toy soldiers. my colleague walked with me and suggested walking to the hills i had spoken of. we walked along and somehow i found myself walking in a stream. there were lots of fishes swimming in front of us as we walked. and soon, we came to a well before the stream branches out. the fishes were caught in the well and couldn't swim further. i looked into the well and it looked like a bottomless pit. in it, i saw a soursop. a grey coloured soursop. now, the soursop is something my mum likes and wanted to buy lately. i found myself telling my mum (in my dream) that the soursop seemed spoilt and cannot be eaten. my mum responded with an ok.

my ex-colleague and i continued our walk along the forested trail. and we came to a fork. the left path looked narrow and long but it led to my "favourite" hill, whereas the other led to somewhere else. my ex-colleague took the path i suggested and i followed suit. 

at this point, the path changed. it became one that looked like 2-3 cement slabs stacked against one another and standing precariously on their sides. and as my colleague walked on them, the slabs would start to break apart. i hurriedly followed behind so that i won't be left behind. after some steps, my ex-colleague fell off and i found myself walking alone. it felt like my ex-colleague was following me behind. it was not an easy walk as i had to balance myself as i walked and as the slabs fell off, threatening to make me fall off too. but i didn't. 

soon enough, i came faced with a wall of metal scaffolding. the type that one see at construction sites... for some reasons, we had to climb the metal scaffolding to get to the top (of the hill, which by that time, the concept of hill did not exist anymore, it was just the whole idea of climbing to the top). and we started climbing. i climbed the scaffolds easily. i didn't see my ex-colleague anymore but felt that he was behind me. seeing how easy it was for me to climb, he commented that for buddhists, we tend to know how to manoeuvre ourselves amongst the scaffolds easily and thus was able climb faster. but i noted how the scaffolds got more and more unstable as i climbed. but i continued.

i came to the last scaffold very quickly and swung myself (like a chinese pugilist), onto the wooden board right on top. now, this board was very narrow and i had to prone onto it as i crawled forward. after a while, i reached the edge of the board. it was then that i realised how high up i had climbed. the troops in toy soldier uniform were still moving into position. they looked like little ants from the height i was at. i was at the edge, i couldn't go further. the only direction available to me was down. and even then, if i were to head down, it would be a certain death for me. but there was no more scaffolds for me. i had to decide what to do...

while my physical self was on the board up in the skies, i found my "other" self at the base. the scene had morphed into that of a check-out counter of a shop. i was talking to the cashier and she told me that if i could jump off the board, and walk out of this check-out counter, she would award me with a bonus prize of $300 (yes, it was $300). but given the "rules" of the game, the award would be equally shared - i.e. $1500/ $1500 (for some reasons, the award had increased tenfold to $3000). at that moment, my physical self persona up on the board and the checking out self person at the base seemed to come together and i was caught pondering if i should jump...

it was then that i woke up.

i think i know what this dream is about, but it was really weird and it shook me out of my sleep...

mum almost died

i was in bee's car heading to town when i took a look at my phone. there were 3 missed calls from mum's number on my iphone. and one missed call from mum's number on my hi-card phone (the one that i got just to call her). i sensed something wrong and i called back.

the maid answered immediately and she was frantically trying to tell me something. i had to calm her down before she could make any sense to me. in the quick few seconds, i learnt that mum had rushed to the toilet, walked out, took a rest by the chair at the corridor, and made her way back to the sofa. and once she sat down at the sofa, she started to lose her consciousness. her body had stiffened, her lips, fingers and toes had turned blue, and her eye balls turned such that only her eye-white could be seen. seeing her in this state, the maid panicked. she quickly put mum onto the oxygen concentrator machine but mum remained unresponsive. she kept calling out to mum but mum didn't respond and that was when she called me. 

i checked my missed call register - 2-3 minutes passed before i called back. and by the time i called back, mum was still unconscious. the maid was in a state of panic and kept asking me to go home. there was no time, my first reflex told me. quickly, i instructed the maid to increase the oxygen machine to 5litres - the maximum level of the oxygen concentrator. from the maid's description, it was clear mum's body had suffered a lack of oxygen. i had to act fast. brain-damage could easily happen if oxygen-deprivation occurs for more that 2-3 minutes and i was worried i might have called back too late. i needed data and i asked her to head to my room to get the oximeter to measure mum's spo2-level. i told her that i would call back a while later. in the meantime, i asked bee to make a turn back and to drive home. about a minute later, i called back again. 

the maid told me mum's spo2-level had climbed up to 99%. i asked her to wait. i was worried if mum had suffered any serious implications from the oxygen deprivation. moments later, mum began to stir.  she was able to say some words despite the words being slurred and incomprehensible. her blackened lips had lightened to a purplish tint. things sounded a little more positive but i still need more affirmative signs. i spoke with the maid. she was still in a flustered state. calm down, check ah ma's lips. what's the colour? i asked (i myself feeling rather panicky admittedly). soon enough, her lips slowly turned pink again. that was a huge relieve to me. 

hearing that, i decided to proceed for my course. but this was only after giving strict instructions to the maid to monitor mum and to make sure she was not given any chance to move about herself. all movements had to be supervised and that she should be moved about in her wheelchair. check her overall well-being. if she feels tired, let her rest at home and not go to the rehab centre, i told the maid. during the next couple of minutes, i called back a few times to check on mum. her condition improved very quickly and she could hold a quick conversation with me within 15-minutes, despite twice vomiting out some of her breakfast.

i contacted the rehab centre to help me observe her and to avoid giving her any strenuous activities today. i felt a lot safer for her to be there as there were professional health care persons around to help out if there should be any attacks/ blanking off. she was lucid and ok by lunch time.

i brought her to see the doctor this evening to ensure she is ok. the doctor said the maid and i did right. things would have been very different if she had not been placed on oxygen machine early enough. and luckily she had started her on a course of prednisolone just about half hour before she blanked off.

such a narrow escape...

on course

i went for a course again today. and this is the final of the series of four that i needed to take to qualify for a professional certificate.

:-)

toys again

well, i bought an additional item to add to my collection today. and of cos, i could do so as i was on course again today.

heh...

:-)

roast pork bento set

yesterday, i went to a local supermarket to get some groceries and since it was lunch time, i decided to get a quick takeaway lunch box. i saw this "roast pork bento set" decided to get it (since i enjoy roast pork). quite an interesting name since roast pork was so chinese and someone had quite innovatively marketed it as a bento set (and that, was very japanese).

an auntie came forward and served me and naturally, i ordered a "roast pork bento set" in english as that was what the plate stated. but auntie gave me a blank look on her and next thing i knew, auntie called out to her colleague - 我不知道他要什么 (i do not know what he wants in mandarin). the colleague came forward and i repeated my order. 

next thing i knew, the colleague shouted out to the kitchen staff and said - seo bak png jik pao (roast pork rice - in hokkien).

lol!

lunch with my ex-boss

my lady ex-boss asked me out for a lunch this afternoon. she wanted to return the s$20 she owed me as i had paid for 2 bouquets of flowers for 2 staff who left the company sometime back. it was not good to owe a person money over the chinese new year, she said. and it was a really good lunch. there was a lot of sharing and she shared her views about me and counselled me about my career moving ahead. very interesting conversation as she shared her views about me, and my strengths and weaknesses. very energising. 

she asked me about my thoughts with regards my next career move and i shared about my desire to want to remain in my specialist role. instead, she suggested that i consider broadening my choices to cover a more generalist role. she expressed her confidence that i would be able to do it. and she made this interesting remark that i had all these while been under-rating my strengths and choosing to allow others to shine while i take on a (leadership) supporting role silently behind the scene.

i had always been surprised by how sharp she had been in observing me and people in general. 

:-)

10 cents

took half a day's leave to collect mum's medication from the hospital... needed to call in to get an emergency weeks'  supply of prednisolone to manage her wheezing. and after all the government subsidies, the medication costed me 10 cents. yes, 10 singapore-cents.

i felt bad to have to give a s$2 note to the cashier as i didn't have a 10-cent coin!

:-)

good night sleep

i have hardly ever had a good nights' sleep since my dad, and later my mum, moved in to live with me. it had been almost 8-9 years ago. i am a very light sleeper and would stir whenever there is any slight movement or noise coming from outside my room. but i have gotten used to it. lately, my sleep was further interrupted by my mum's non-stop coughing through the night. it irked me big time and it got so bad 2 nights ago that i almost didn't sleep at all...

last night, i decided to use cotton wool to plug my ears. added to that, i took 2 tablets of puriton as my nose was terribly runny and blocked. and guess what... 

i overslept this morning.

lol!

toys

bought some toys recently...

;-P

reflecting 2015 thus far...

over the past 2 weeks, i had some rather interesting inputs from people around me. firstly, at work, i had 2 colleagues who gave me almost the same feedback over different days. for one of them, she came up to me without any warning and asked me if i was ok. she said i seemed so withdrawn and quiet, so unlike my usual self, so abnormal that she got concerned. and mind you, this is a person who seldom interact with me... well, i simply thanked her and told her i was ok. and then there was another friend. someone who had been texting me on and off and checking on me. he commented that i seemed happier these days, and that was good. two conflicting feedback. but seriously, have i been ok?

reflecting, i must say this - i am ok.

with bee, things are kinda stabilised again. admittedly, i am still traumatised by his bkk trips and am not able to forget the pains. it continues to haunt me rather frequently and i am not sure whether this contributed to my frequent sleepless nights and uncomfortable dreams. and sometimes,when i see my mum's paranoid behavior, suspicions of people around her and often illogical thoughts, i am reminded of myself. will i ever become like mum when i grow old? i donno, but i can certainly imagine myself being so. but well, that's the future and i am sure if i have positive thoughts now, i will be ok.

with regards work, there is this constant conflict - how far should i bend backwards when it comes to my boss's behaviour? on the surface, he seemed an ok person, whatever he said is logical and very correct and there is nothing much to fault him. but it is the way he says things. he can be very curt, confrontational and, at times, unreasonable. and he always jumps to very unfair conclusions about people. makes me and many people around me uneasy. for now, i am keeping my distance and simply being cordial. i have also increased my checks in the job portals. i am also reminded that in a small company, development and progression is non-existent. as for my colleagues, one of them had started going for interviews. let's see how things pan out.

with regards my mum, she is as good as she can possibly be - very stable mentally. otherwise as per this time of the year, her wheezing has started and she is starting to show signs of water retention. and if this is not managed well, she'll probably deteriorate into something nasty (such as pneunomia). i certainly do not wish to see history repeat itself again where she gets hospitalised on the first day of chinese new year.

as for sapphie, her tick problem seemed unstoppable. i continue to manually pick ticks off her body daily. and it had become quite a routine for me to do so. 

and lastly, for my health, things seemed to be turning for the better. my plantar fasciitis has recovered. my sprained ankle has almost healed following 2 weeks of acupuncture. the chinese sinseh continues to call me and check on my health. and next week, he said he will look into my cough, cold and insomnia issues. i guess i am in good hands.

:-)

not blogging

i organised a workshop for my company recently to train some selected persons to be counsellors. and naturally, i sat through almost the whole workshop. one of the topic covered is about people who are depressed, who are suicidal... and the trainer cover symptoms such as being not interested in doing things that one usually does, being withdrawn, being unsociable... etc. and i thought. oooh, she's talking about me! heh, for a start, i haven't been blogging much. right? and i have been feeling very much under the weather, feeling stressed over my boss, etc. 

but otherwise, i really think i am ok. 

:-)

acupuncture

acupuncture again...

:-)

scary back

i guessed it was the stress of having to co-ordinate a workshop over the last couple of weeks that made my whole shoulder and neck to stiffen up. this was made worst by a boss that didn't support this training and had been making a lot of rather uncalled for hostile remarks. i decided to pay a visit to the chinese sinseh after the workshop to get my back sorted out. i opted for a body massage followed by gua sha. and yes, it was one helluva painful. but it did relieve me of some of the pains. 

hopefully, my tensed up shoulders and neck will loosen up soon.

:-)

bad ankle

i climbed up onto the table to fix a ceiling board that had dropped off and when i jumped off the table, i felt a sharp pain on my left foot. that was last week. the pain stayed for a couple of days but returned again over the weekend when i was helping to set-up the training venue. 

so, i visited the sinseh and he did what he thought i needed - acupuncture. a total of 6-7 needles were inserted into various points from my knees to my foot. and i felt one helluva achy. almost had to beg the sinseh to stop! but today, it felt rather ok. there was no relapse of the pain. but i had been warned to refrain from walking too much. let it rest for a couple of days first, the sinseh said.

heh heh...

from frustrated to amused

well... i have written much about my new boss and the negative energies all we managers have about him. and interestingly, other department people are also starting to give us funny looks. not because they thought our behaviours are weird. but rather, they have either heard of or experienced his confrontational behaviour and i suspect, kinda wondered how we have been getting along with him. and we hear people asking us things like "oh, how is you new boss?", "you ok?". and during our less formal interactions with our peers from other departments, feedback can range from diplomatic, such as "he is different", and something less that positive (but factual), like "how can he even use terms like "stupid" on people!?", "why is he so confrontational?"

and seriously, for us reporting to him, we get at least one to two nasty emails from him daily up to the point that we now are rather desensitised to it. our behaviour now is like this - when we meet each other, we would give each other the kinda "you-know-right?" grin. but one trend i can clearly see that i think reflect the uneasiness about every single one of us with him given the way he confronted us whenever we make any decisions. and that is - all of us are beginning to direct issues to him for instructions, myself included, and refusing to make decisions.

heh... 

energy not right

increasingly, i am feeling this negative energy when working with my new boss. how he can criticise the system and policies and in doing so, make it sound so personal and targeted at us. it gets to me sometimes. even if he didn't mean it, the momentary negativity that came out of his responses to our inputs didn't go well with us. and worst still, at times, he can put us down and make us sound stupid when we try to share some background as to why things are the way they are today. and i can also sense this tensions amongst all my 3 other peers/ fellow managers in the department. 

interestingly, amongst the 4 of us, apart from the one that i had a tiff with last month, all the other 3 have been sms-ing/ calling/ sharing amongst ourselves to simply vent, or to just air our tensions during moments when we feel the need to release the negative energies that arise after interacting with him. and i can see all of us being professional enough to move on and get back and focus our energies back to our team after venting and airing our thoughts. but judging by the increased frequency of this sharing lately but i am seriously not sure how long some of us can last.

for me frankly, i am feeling the urge to up my tempo in my job search all over again. and for a quick moment today, i even thought about just throwing my letter even if i do not have a job. but objectively, i know i shouldn't do this. but well... that such a thought crossed my mind kinda reflect how much negativity there are in our dynamics.

neoplasm

bp: 117/79, spo2: 99%, ok, now relax and hold out your left hand. i'll be inserting a plug. won't be painful but you need to relax ya. all done. soon, another nurse came and asked a few more questions. you are allergic to fluvoxamine right? why did you take fluvoxamine? what's your reaction when you take fluvoxamine? when was your last meal? did you drink anything this morning? such were the preparations before i was wheeled into the endoscopy centre for my procedure yesterday.

i was not required to change into the hospital gown but i was shivering when i waited for my turn. the room temperature must have been set to 20 or lower. anyway, there i was, waiting for the doctor to do the scope for me. after about 15min, he walked in. repeated some of the question again and gave the nurses the signal to proceed with the final preparations. everything happened very quickly after that.

mr sim, please confirmed this is your signature. and this too. my consent to go through the procedure was flashed in front of me. i nodded my head. mr sim, please turn to your left. mr sim, please open your mouth. i'll be squeezing a numbing liquid in and i need you to swallow. squeeze squeeze (it tasted bitter). ok, mr sim, open your mouth again. a plastic apparatus was placed in my mouth to prevent me from closing my mouth. all done. the doctor came forward, ok mr sim, i'm gonna inject some medicine into you. i saw him injecting 2 syringes of medicine into the plug (on my left hand). once done, the lights in the room were switched off and a warm yellowish glow created by the bulbs of the machines lit the room and...

                                                                                                  

i woke up to some noise. i was back in the ward and in my drowsy state, the nurse came and asked if i wanted something to eat. yes, i said and i was quickly served with a cup of beverage and a simple butter sandwich.

ok, mr sim, let me run through with you the scope finding k? well, there was no major tumor found. but we have removed some tissue for biopsy. you can go back after you've recovered but we need you to come back in two weeks time for the results.

hmmm... no tumor but biopsy? i wondered but was too tired to ask. i looked at the discharge summary later and it read: benign neoplasm on oropharyngeal wall.

i supposed all's well.

exhausting training sessions

been almost two months since i conducted this particular training and i had to do two runs over the last two days!

and this time round it was without my time-tested seasoned staff. she had left me since last month and i now had a new staff who was still learning the ropes. and despite having done this training more than 25 times over the past year and a half, i still find it rather challenging as every session brings forth new challenges due to the different participant profile (but of cos, this makes every training session very mentally engaging and fun).

anyway, monday's training came and went and all was good. not too difficult given that the participants were all new to the company and young by age. but it was exhausting nonetheless to have to stand whole day. i was, however, a little more apprehensive and worried for tuesday's (yesterday) training. and this was becos it involved existing staff and i had, on numerous previous occasions, senior staff who made use of the training session to vent and to download their frustrations with their bosses/ the company. when this happens, the training environment could get very hostile and uneasy. and yesterday, i had a rather senior person attending. this person could be rather curt at times and i was worried he could negatively affect the training. but it turned out my worries were unfounded. he was rather nice and sporting, and participated in all the activities throughout the day.

the worry about having to manage difficult characters and the energies needed to manage and conduct the training took its toll on me nonetheless. i was totally exhausted by the end of tuesday. and of cos, i didn't have the energy to make dinner and instead took mum out for dinner. i felt so bloody happy and relieved to have survived these two days! 

:-)

hectic week ahead

i hope my flu will go away by tomorrow. gonna be a superbly hectic week ahead. here's the schedule.

• monday - conduct full day stand-up training for new staff
• tuesday - conduct full day stand-up training for existing staff, gonna be challenging as many are very senior (vocal and very cynical) staff
• wednesday - 3 medical appointments in the morning following by a long meeting after lunch with my new boss
• thursday - gastroscopy, full day down
• friday - full day at work

but on the bright side, busy schedule means the days would pass very fast. so, yeah. it's weekend soon! now, let's hope my throat manage to hold up by end-monday...

lol!

lingering flu

it has been a week since i felt unwell. and i still feel so. the throat and nasal cavity remain clogged. i visited the doctor again and was given a new set of medications. stronger and more potent, said the doctor. and... i slept early on friday night, and as though it was insufficient, i slept through the whole of saturday too. and i also surprised myself by sleeping through last night too!

lol!

i have a bad feeling...

i was in taipei when i got a text from one of my colleague, someone who seldom shares her feelings. in the message, she said "i have a bad feeling about our new boss...." and she related how she often felt caught between him and other heads of departments because of his confrontational approach to things.

and i can totally understand her. cos i felt the same.

insomnia

mum said she couldn't sleep the night before my return. and when i asked her why, she said, i was so happy that you are returning that i couldn't sleep. 

that's so sweet right?

turbulence

we were forewarned about turbulence during out journey to taipei but just before we landed, the plane dropped a couple of meters momentarily. almost everyone in the plane let off a little scream and then it was all silent. i could almost hear everyone's heartbeat pounding furiously during that split second. in my mind, scenes of air crashes appeared, quite a natural reaction given the recent spate of incidents involving airplanes.

we were all so relieved when the plane finally touched down.

whew!

taipei

i have not been to taipei for many years and my impressions of the place after all these while was - it has not changed much. then again, my purpose of heading to taipei was not because i wanted to see the changes. i simply wanted a break.

and for me, an important factor before i consider it a break was - a different environment, weather and culture-wise. taipei was a natural choice given the proximity and that it is one of the destinations my company flies to. i didn't consider bangkok as i am a little anti-bkk now. i didn't want to associate myself with it as it was the cause of so much pains over the past 2 years.

anyway, taipei had not changed much. it is still as lively, and as chaotic as i last remembered it to be. we didn't venture too far away from the hotel (which was located in ximending) and kept to the areas within the reach of the city metro. but it was a good few days of visiting and soaking in the atmosphere. the places we went to include ximending (of cos) (西门町), danshui (淡水), longsanshi (龙山寺), taipei 101, shilin night market (士林夜市), etc. these were all the places we visited the last time we visited taipei.

and we just ate and ate and ate... but of cos, i couldn't really taste what i ate because my throat and nasal cavity were totally clogged up. and through the 3 days, i had to down lots of pills in my attempts to manage my cold. thankfully, i managed to keep myself free from fever.

and all too soon, 3 days came and went. 

its back to work now.

mc but not out

i am on mc today. but i refused to be defeated by my flu.

i went back to clear some work, conducted half a day's lesson, and then i went to the pool for a tan. well, not really a tan. rather, i got myself comfortable on the sundeck chairs (under the shade of course) and i fell asleep. what better way to relax after taking my medications right? it was a good hour-plus nap. and then i got about buying sapphie's food, the maid's bread, etc. before heading home.

mum, in her usual haywire self, got suspicious when i arrived home early. my boss allowed all of us heading taiwan overseas to head home early to pack, i lied. she didn't question further although i knew she was not convinced, judging by her refusal to shower until after the taiwanese drama serial. managed to cheer her up a little when i brought her out for dinner. it was rather obvious she was anxious about my impending departure. and at bedtime, she wanted to sleep on the living room sofa, saying that she wants to be awake when i leave tomorrow. managed to get her to the bedroom only after i promised i will wake her up before i leave. 

am feeling a lot better compared to last night. then again, i hope it doesn't turn bad when i arrived at taiwan. fingers crossed.

:-)

confusion

here's an example of mum's confusion between reality and tv.

today is my maid's birthday and we had gotten a cake for her. it was to be cut after dinner but as my brother was working, we had to wait for his return before doing so. the waiting, however, did not go well with my niece and nephew as they kept pestering non-stop and i ended up playing games with them - the no-brainer kinda game where i carried the cake and they chased me around the house. as for mum, she simply sat on the sofa and watched the taiwanese serial. in the serial, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law were having a fight. it was a prolonged fight (like all taiwanese shows). it was then that my brother returned and we decided to take a pause from the tv serial to cut the cake.

we gathered around the dining table and sang the birthday song. and as we sang, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law in the tv serial continued their fights. and mum commented "the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are cutting cake as a way to smoothen their relationship". her remark out of no where took us by surprise. and it was clear to us all that she had gotten the tv serial and reality both mixed up.

lol...

:-)

paranoia

here's an example of mum's paranoia. and it happened out of no where.

we were watching tv this evening when the maid came out of the kitchen with a bowl of cut apples. she offered the apples to mum and i. mum refused whereas i took a piece. and as i took it, i commented that the apples were from my cousin, who visited us this morning. mum, out of no where and for no reasons, stared at me and commented in a quite hostile manner (in hokkien): "so what if it was from your cousin, i have never plotted to kill or harm anyone, so why should i be afraid (of eating the apples)".

funny right? really, the hostility was just that spontaneous. if i had not gotten used to her paranoia, i would have taken her remark quite badly. i simply ignored her. as i capture this incident here in english, i was reminded of the story of snow white and the seven dwarves and how snow white went into a deep sleep after taking a bite of the evil stepmother's poisoned apple. anyway, mum can never be snow white. she's too told and too fat to be one. 

lol!

phone calls from mum

i got myself another line couple of days back. this line would be used primarily for mum. i needed to avoid the possibility of making her upset after what happened this week. here's the story.

on wednesday, i headed out for lunch and as per normal, i called mum at 12.30pm. we spoke for a while before hanging up. it was a little more than half an hour later when i checked my phone and i saw 17 missed calls from mum. i got worried and immediately called back. mum said she didn't call and simply said i was "bluffing" her.  that afternoon, at about 5pm, i got 7 missed calls from her. once again, i called back but she denied calling me.

i went home, and she insisted i was pulling fast one and accusing her of calling me so many times. it didn't help when i showed her the call register in my phone. she simply denied ever calling me. and then as a clear sign of her paranoia, she said she knew who called me, and said she couldn't find her phone and that it must be someone trying to do things behind her back. as she said so, she looked at the maid.

i simply told her that if she had not called, then it could be a simple case of her sitting on her phone/ pressing the button by mistake and where the phone called the last dialled number. she refused to accept this reasoning and insisted that she knew who had tampered with her phone...

so i got myself a new line and i will use this to call her. she doesn't know this new number and if i get calls from this number, i'd know she had pressed it by mistake. 

:-)

coming taiwan trip

will be heading to taiwan this coming tuesday.

looking forward to it although i am not sure what my plans would be once i reached there. think i'll just take things easy and let bee do the planning. have told my mum i'd be away for work and she seemed ok about it. let's hope she stays this way. she's been coughing quite a bit these few days and my worry is that if she were to fall sick, it would be rather challenging for the maid to take care of her alone when i leave for taiwan. let's see how things go.

for now, fingers crossed.

ticks again

yesterday, the maid told me that she noticed ticks after sweeping the floor. that was not a good sign to me cos for ticks to be present on the floor, it mean sapphie would have been infested quite badly with them.

how could this be? i thought cos i had applied the medication on sapphie about 2 weeks back. nonetheless, i combed over sapphie's body and to my horrors, i found many (as in really really many) ticks. i noted that this species is a different one from what i had seen before. my only suspicion is that this species is either resistant to the medication or that i needed to apply on a more regular interval. 

i did another combing of her body today and found no less than 50-plus of them. and to make things worst, i also noted many ticks on the corners of my room ceiling. oh dear... need to buck up over the next couple of days to get rid of them.

sighs...

insomnia & flu

i had been experiencing very bad nights last two weeks or so. would wake up at 2am, 3am, etc nightly and end up heading to work tired. really not sure why this is so. but i suspect my mind was all stressed out given that i have a new (and perceived to be hostile) boss. this was worsened by the fact that mum had been going in and out of her moods again.

two nights ago, i was so physically overwhelmed by about 9.45pm i simply knocked out. couldn't walk properly nor stay awake. i fell into a deep sleep almost immediately but woke up at 12am, and stared at the ceiling for a long while before falling asleep again. to make things worst, my nasal cavity felt so parched and dry and i woke up unable to talk.

today, my body gave in. i started coughing, i had blocked nose, and the mucus that i spitted out was dark brown in colour. i had full blown flu. went to the clinic to get some medication and was given an injection too. the doctor was nice enough to also give me a day's mc for tomorrow.

:-)

first half month 2015

things seemed to be going relatively smoothly for me this first fortnight of 2015. nonetheless, there is this very uneasy feel about how things will develop in the months ahead. let's see how things go, especially for work. as i had reflected before, i needed to learn to let go and relax.

:-)

challenging times

i think my work life will be kinda interesting and challenging moving ahead. and i say so because of my new boss. here's some things that made me think so...

• he asked me to brief him about the system i had so conscientiously set up since i joined the company. and he spend no time to consider the difficult people-related factors that shaped the system as it is today, but simply criticised it and i was made to feel worthless (although i was not sure if that was his intent).
• he asked for background about things, and when i shared the details, he got flustered and simply said i don't care about who and what happened in the past, all i know is that i am answerable for this and i want it to be done this way. period.
• he was always quick to criticise and seldom spend time to reflect on the details. and this got worst when he went around asking department heads about their view about my department. and worst of it all, he simply accept their views without verifying details and wanted to change things.
• he kept telling us that he had reached his pinnacle and that his time with the company is because he was asked to join by my top boss and thus, he has nothing to prove, but to do what he is supposed to do. and he framed it very very narrowly. shan't go into details, but i really don't feel good about people who brag about having reached pinnacle.

objectively, in my two years with my current company, i had a lady leader who cared about us, and who gave us full trust in all we do. i also had a guy who refused to make decisions and for everything that you surface or suggest to him, he will give 10,000-and-1 excuse why it should not be done, and now, i have a boss who gives us no trust and who wanted to poke his finger into every little things we do.

gonna be an interesting and challenging time for me in the coming year...

seventh son

one thing i cannot understand was why the hell did jeff bridges speak like as though he has a huge (whatever) stuck in his mouth. it was difficult enough to follow the dialogue, and then he has to swallow his words throughout the show. doh! this is a show that i can best describe as predictable, no high and no low, in another words, flat. but well, if you were to go in without expectations, you will be able to enjoy it. 

i did.

:-)

good start 2015

2015 got off a reasonably good start.

bee has gotten a lot more sensitive to me. this was despite initial days of discomfort and mutual frictions over openness. and in the process, quite a few unarticulated past tensions surfaced. i supposed it allowed some clarifications. he has deleted his facebook account following that early morning's dumping by me. it was interesting but it felt like we were both trying to talk more. and we met up for high tea, for an afternoon show (i took leave as he was not working), etc...

but well, is this an initial heat of the moment to make up for the pains created? will this effort die of after the initial couple of days? will he continue to be sensitive to me and make the efforts to talk to me? will he go back to being self-centred and insensitive to me? i don't know. but let's just use this moment to try to strengthen the weakened bonds that was created over time. as i said, i wanted to do my part as a partner, let's hope he does his too moving ahead.

:-)

goals for 2015

here's the distilled list of "i wills" for 2015, framed from my end-of-year 2014 post. call it resolutions or guiding principles if you may, this list of "i wills" will guide me in my life for 2015. 

personal life

• build personal emotional resilience
• give myself the space/ the me-time
• respect myself and to love myself more

mum

• do my utmost to balance between her needs and my space

bee

• play my part as a partner

sapphie

• care for her 
• give her the attention she needs

siblings

• play my role as a brother/ uncle
• have no expectations of my siblings

health

• exercise and learn to relax
• ensure a good balance between eat what's good vs what's nice

work

• review my professional progression

friends

• keep the relationships going
• make more efforts to meet up

online friends (such as bloggers)/ blogging

• capture my life and experiences

2014 - intense

i started off 2014 with the clarity that i wanted to make this year a fulfilling one. and i had put in my efforts to make it so. my gut feel was that i had achieved it in areas that was under my control. but in areas that were not, it was seriously challenging. and so, i will not be calling 2014 a fulfilling one. and reflecting 2014, i realised that "fulfilment" had been a guiding principle but cannot be an outcome given that the people around me were not necessary in sync with me in terms of what i what i want to achieve. and thus, in refraining from using the term "fulfilling" to describe 2014, i found myself in a fix as to what adjectives i could use to describe 2014. some of the terms that came to mind include "tumultuous", "eventful", "difficult", "challenging" (you get the drift), or for that matter, even the terms "in and out" - something that was suggested by a fy - a friend i had known for quite a couple of years but have never met. but reflecting on things objectively, such negative sounding terms kinda resonate with me probably due to the recency effect of the events over the last couple of weeks. and thus, i shall not use them. instead, let me use the term "intense" to describe 2014. here's why...

personal life

i got my maid on 19 dec 2013. and with her presence, i was able to cope better with looking after mum although i must say that the initial 4-5 months were rather hellish for me given the huge tensions that occurred between mum and the maid. it was really bad. i supposed it was the initial periods where both of them (and myself) had to come to terms with having a new member in the team, made worst by a mum that was mentally unsound yet wanting to exert her authority - a very clear behaviour reflective of those of towkays (or perhaps more like slave owners) over coolies that was her time aeons ago. there were times where i had to rush home from work, and to find the maid crying and my mum totally emo, demanding that the maid be sacked or the maid be punished for little things that didn't meet her expectations. but thankfully, that period came and went and the maid had gotten used to the task of taking care of mum. and with her presence, i was able to leave the house for say dinner and shows without worrying about mum. and in this aspect, i thought my personal life improved. hurray for me in this aspect. on the other hand, many events and relationship-related issues i faced this year made me reflect about my own sense of security. i realised i had been reliant on people in many aspects and that i had placed too much value in relationships. now, this is not a bad thing per se and for that matter, a very human thing. but for me, it had come to a point where i found my own happiness and well-being being affected so badly when people around me did not did not value me. for example, all these while, i kept thinking how great it would be if people around me (especially bee) can be there for me, to show care, to show concern and to pamper me. but i learned my lesson very hard in 2014 that i cannot force them to and i ended up being isolated. so for 2015, i will build personal emotional resilience to be able to stand on my own, and minimise the need to rely on others emotionally and i will continue to give myself the space/ the me-time to maintain my sanity and well-being. i will learn to respect myself and to love myself more. 

mum

it was probably one of the more manageable year for me in the areas of looking after mum. and it was not because her condition improved. contrary to this, her mental health actually took a nose dive and created many tensions for me as a caregiver. symptoms of schizophrenia appeared. her forgetfulness increased. she was diagnosed to have diabetes. her respiratory capacities decreased. her mental capacities also dropped and her tantrums came rather often, etc. and everything threatened me in all aspects of my life - from my me-time, work-time, etc. but i tried as far as i could to retain my sanity. it helped a lot that i had a maid (who understood the challenges) and had complemented me in managing mum. it also helped that i was familiar with her medication and that i had learnt how to titrate the medication to suit the situation. physically, she has also weakened and this was in part due to her weight and her sedentary lifestyle. she was heavy, too heavy for her frame. and she had insisted that her legs were weak due to her op (that happened almost a decade ago). to make things worst, her mental health medications have the side effects of weight gains. and while i tried to control her diet, i had to make sure it did not affect her quality of life (food-wise). otherwise, i thought she fared relatively well compared to previous years, judging by the very few incidences of hospital stays. for the year ahead, i will do my utmost to balance between her needs and my space. i foresee this to be an increasing challenge but i will need to do it to retain my well-being.

bee

i said i wanted to work with him to see how best we can make our time together meaningful and that was done as much as i possibly could. but it turned out that he was the key source of periodic tensions throughout the year. and the intensity of these tensions increased tremendously over time. all these tensions were due to his overseas visits. his lack of considerations for me and his insistence to head overseas (bkk) rather frequently soured our relationship badly. the year ended with me momentarily declaring myself single. but i have decided to give him another chance. could this be a case of horse vs horse in a horse year? that horse people will meet with lots of issues as this is the year of clashes with our tai sui. this would be a good excuse for my tensions - that all things being equal, blame it on the stars. but these things have happened and what i want to do is to forgive and move on. but having said that, it is very hard to forget something that have hurt me to the point of almost killing me. so, as i move ahead in this relationship, i want to work at reclaiming my space and i want him to know it. moving into 2015, the ball is in his court and if he fails to observe his promises to me, i will end the relationship. and this is not a threat, it is a fact. so my efforts in this relationship for the coming year is that i will play my part as a partner. it takes two hands to clap and if the other hand refuses to, i cannot help it. to me, this is a very down-to-earth and realistic approach to relationships, based on respect, care and concern, and considerations for each other, and not based on ideals of love and the belief that one must always be happy and whatever.

sapphie

at 14, sapphie is now a grand old dame of a dog. she was perhaps the luckiest amongst everyone in the household. she did not suffer any illness this year and had had all her routines well taken care of. she continued to enjoy the attention of people around her. it occurred to me that i had also considered her in many of my routines. and this came clearly when i found myself avoiding activities when i had the choice when mum was away, all because i wanted to ensure she's looked after. anyway, one thing was clear, she had weakened physically in 2014. she now finds it hard to take long walks and ends up panting life crazy. and she trips when she goes for slow jogs with me. i attribute all this to her age. she is no longer a puppy although she still have the tendency to want to behave like one, then to stumble and fall. it was quite funny actually. for mongrels, the average lifespan is 15-16 years and this set me thinking - will she leave us 2015? i certainly hope not, but if it happens, i celebrate the fact that she has had a good life. something that perhaps other dogs can only envy. (doesn't it sound funny for me to use a human eye to interpret a dog's view of ideal life? haha...) so for the coming year, i will continue to provide care for her and to give her the attention she needs. having said this, i will bear cognisance of the need to have a delicate balance with other spaces i have to manage, and that includes that of mum and myself. and if she dies, i will give her a proper and respectful send off.

siblings

with no expectations, i had no/ minimal disappointments. am still not talking to my eldest sis. as for my second sis, i had left her on her own and did not ask for anything from her. she kept her obligations and continued to help out, finance-wise and once a blue moon, visited mum. as for my brother, it continued to be one where there was mutual understanding and where we do not intrude into each other's space unnecessarily. similar to second sis, he observed his obligations towards contributing to mum's upkeeping. mum's reduced frequency in hospitalisation also helped smoothen out the relationship with him. and by virtue of the very close relationship i had with his kids, i had taken on the role of an elder in his household and by default, the unstated tasks of taking care of his kids whenever extra help was needed (such as when my nephew was hospitalised and i had to sleep with him in his hospital bed as they got about settling other stuff and looking after their elder kid) fell onto me. for 2015, i will continue to play my role as a brother/ uncle and i will continue to have no expectations of my siblings.

health

i didn't fare as well in the areas of health this year. much as i kept my tempo in my physical fitness and observe reasonable dietary habit, i had quite a few health scares in 2014. this was on top of the multiple occasions where i suffered a relapse of my depression. and they came one after another non-stop. there was issues relating to kidney stones, reflux, plantar fasciitis/ swollen and painful soles etc. and as part of treating these issues, i underwent the procedure to remove kidney stones sometime mid-year. it was something i really hope not to go through anymore in future. but the silver lining of all these procedures were the clarity that i did not have any cancer (as yet). i ended the year with some outstanding medical tests to be done within the next 1-2 months of 2015 including a scope of my stomach. given that my family had a history of cancer, i have been considered to be in the high risk group. so... for 2015, i will continue to exercise and learn to relax. diet-wise, i will ensure a good balance between eating what's good vs what's nice (that may not necessarily be good for health, heh heh).

work 

i achieved my aims of strengthening my team and deepening our professional relationship. it was indeed a great achievement for me, but i had the regretful task of having to send her off following her resignation in oct 14. her resignation reflect the tumultuous and intense work environment that happened in office this year. it was superbly challenging. the company did not do well amidst challenging business environment, the ceo resigned after restructuring the business, a new ceo came in, the company was downsized and almost 25% of staff left (voluntarily or otherwise), my dynamic and well-loved chief was asked to leave, the next level leader took over unwillingly and within a few weeks of assuming the role, resigned. significantly, the removal of my chief shook the department and one after another started to look for opportunities outside. the lack of effective leadership saw the whole department falling apart. one after another, key people in the department left. i myself almost left following an offer by a bank. the offer did not materialise regretfully although on hindsight, it was a blessings as i learned that the internal environment was superbly challenging due to people-related/ relationship-related issues. so, yeah, 2014 was terrible for me in terms of work. i now have a new boss. i am still feeling him out but one thing seemed clear to me, for 2015, i will evaluate my fit relationship-wise, my development opportunities as well as my progression. relationship with boss is one factor, but importantly, my development and my fit is equally important. i will certainly make conscious efforts to develop myself professionally this coming year. and if my current company is not able to provide development opportunities and growth, i will change job, even if it means i have to work somewhere farther away from home.

friends

i have continued my efforts in engaging my friends in 2014. and i supposed many have come to terms that i have to look after my mum and they have considered my needs when they planned for any meet-ups. in addition, i have also maintain good contacts with my online friends. these friends continue to provide the support to me when things get challenging. and to these friends, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. for 2015, let's keep the relationships going and i will make more efforts to meet up.

bloggers/ blogging 

blogging was one of the key highlights for 2014. i started the year with the objective to continue blogging. and i did that, and more. i surpassed all my previous years in blogging entries for the year. i achieved an average 2 entries per day for 2014. then again, this achievement also reflect the increased frequencies of events that impacted me, both positively and otherwise, this year. my blog statistics perhaps is the ultimate quantifiable figure that reflected the intensity of the year. but from another perspective, it also showed that my life 2014 had been one very interesting one. for next year, i will continue my efforts to capture my life and experiences. 

in conclusion, 2014 had been an intense year for me in almost all aspects of my life. and when all the tensions coincide (such as health, mum and bee), i hit a state of near collapse. it occurred several times, most recently just last week. it was regrettable that i had to cap 2014 with a high degree of negativity but reflecting objectively, i had had a reasonably good journey. enlightening to a great extent. learning from my lessons in 2014, it looked like for 2015, the theme for it would be for me to lead a more balanced life, to state and to claim (reclaim) my space in my relationships (with friends, family members and bee) and most importantly to love myself more. 

happy 2015 everyone!

vitamin b6

i had started taking vitamin b6.  lets hope it helped me better manage my depression as well as my memory lost.

loosing my memory

i really do not know why.

these couple of days, i really find myself unable to remember simple things. it can be simple phone pin codes to allow me access during my internet banking or simple things like where i left stuffs. but i simply cannot commit them to memory, or even if i did, i cannot recall them after short moments.

it reminded me of mum. is something happening to me? could it be this recent challenging times create by bee that made me this way? and i said so because whenever i faced some huge mental stress, i will both experience some loss of memory as well as weakening of my mental capabilities. of cos, this usually comes after a prolonged period of depression. and this was what i had observed of myself through my life.

let's hope this forgetfulness does not last.

his promises

after our conversation, he promised me yesterday the following:

• that he will be more sensitive about and considerate to me

• that he will consult me and seek my agreement before he goes for any overseas (specifically, bkk) trip. and if i do not agree, he will not do so

• that he would give me at least a week advance notice for any overseas (especially bkk) trip. anything less, he will reject all requests

i will use the promises in this post to hold him to his words henceforth. let's see if he can live up to these promises cos he has for many times, broken his promises and commitment to me.

this is the final straw. and he knows i am dead serious about it.

bitchy me

it was the 7am, the morning after the long conversation. 

i had downloaded all my tensions, well almost all. i was still very unhappy that he was not willing to open up a lot of details about the people he went to bkk with other than they were his 3 closest colleagues, about how he did not consult me when he left etc... there were lots of questions left unanswered. but i told myself, the ball is in his court to be open about the people he interact with and i will see how open he is about sharing their details with me in the days to come.

i was about to leave for work when i saw a credit card on my living room table. it was a sub-card i got for him, a card that he had used consistently and on almost every month fail to pay me without me reminding him. it was extra painful for me this month cos he had promised to pay me but said he would do so last week as his expenses were tight. he did not but left for bkk. i could not reconcile how his expenses could be as tight as he claimed yet he could spend twice the amount he owed me by going to bkk at such short notice. ok, that was not the point. why did he leave the card behind?

i texted him. what was you meaning of this? i sounded hostile. i was not happy. when we got together,  i did 3 things to help him and as a symbol of our bond. shall not go into details of what these are except that they all involved monies and my sub-card is one of them. since then, he had killed one of these. i was not happy but accepted that he needed to learn how to better manage his funds. soon enough, he replied i need to manage my spending. no, this was not what i expect him to do. take it back unless you are telling me the relationship is off.

i went on to ask a lot of questions, questions that i wanted answers. my questions made him feel uncomfortable. yet i did not relent. he should have seen it coming from me. i was bitchy. i demanded answers. i wanted to also make him comfortable to open up. and he answered what i asked. added to that, i demanded that he remove his line picture. a picture he had put up on monday. he was smiling cheekily. i didn't like this picture. how could he be smiling cheekily at a time when there was so much tension. he did.

through the day, i observed his reactions and his attitudes to me. and by late afternoon, i asked him to meet me for dinner. i wanted to see if he has further excuses about work etc. he did not. we had a simple evening.

the recovery

he came back on sunday afternoon.

i didn't want to talk to him. i switched off my phone. this was the longest time in our close to 10 years together that we didn't talk. i was too hurt and too numb to do so. yet despite the numbness and sense of death i felt, inwardly, there was this little bit of me that worries about his well-being. but i kept all these feeling and thoughts suppressed. i wanted to give myself a break. i wanted to be fair to myself and to convince myself that i could live life as independently as possible. i was ready to cut this relationship.

and to avoid him, i kept my phone away. i did not carry it with me. i kept it in my car. i left it at home, etc. but occasionally i would switched it on to see if he had attempted to contact me. true enough, the first message came about 4-ish. it said "i am back". and through the whole of sunday, until i slept, he called a total of 6 times. but he couldn't reach me. i couldn't care to respond. his abrupt disappearance and lack of care and considerations for me had killed my heart. i was hardened. yet, i also pondered - how many times will he call me? to me, the number of attempts to contact me reflects how important i am to him. but on the other hand, i knew he won't. he is not that type of person. for him, i was certain, he would just stop once he sensed my avoidance. and i was right. there was no further contact from him on monday. i had left the phone switched on on monday as i needed to maintain a channel of communications with mum. but yeah, he did not call. nor sms.

monday. a week had passed since i last spoke to him. this was the longest time we did not talk to each other in our close to 10 years together. i was at home at about 9pm when i finally decided to text him. i decided to start the conversation. i didn't want this to drag. if the relationship is off, let's agree and move on. let's not drag this further i thought. he replied my text shortly after i texted him. he was at (his) home. i asked him to come over. "isn't mama at home?" he asked. damned, he forgot my mum was not around. it reinforced my suspicions that nothing i said went into him. "nope, i answered, she went to stay at my brother's place." 

he came over soon enough. initially, there was just silence. he acted like as though nothing had happened. i didn't want to start the conversation but after a while, i got impatient and what followed that was a good 4-5 hours of me throwing all my tensions and thoughts about him. i decided to make all my thoughts about where he failed as a partner explicit. if he cannot sense the issues, then i might as well tell it to him point blank. it was a tense 4-5 hours interspersed with moments of silence. he was bloody defensive at times, yet at times, he felt asleep and snored. how could anyone sleep when such a serious conversation was going on, i thought. there were moments where i wanted to just tell him to fuck off, but in the end, i decided to let him decide - do you want this relationship?

he said yes. 

apologise if you agree you had gone totally off and totally overboard this time round. i half demanded. he did. and i gave him the ultimatum - then, show it in action and in thoughts. show me that you value me. otherwise, i will not hesitate to end the relationship. 

the conversation ended about 3am before he left. 

i hardly slept after that. 

interstellar

caught the show on saturday night. it was a show i really wanted to watch and it turned out to be the best show i watched this year. it was really good. great acting and great visuals of the physics theories that i had read about so much.

:-)

supportive friends

over the past week, i had countless friends, straight and gay, who called, texted or mailed me. these friends came from singapore, (east & west) malaysia, australia and for that matter, as far out as uk and copenhagen asking if i was ok and that i could manage things. 

of cos, for readers of this blog, many did not know the magnitude of the issue and the many issues behind my tensions with him (some things were better left unsaid). as for my facebook friends, most did not even know of my sexuality. but they had picked up my distress signals from the picture of cemeteries i posted as well as my lack of updates (facebook, blog, etc). i was even touched by the fact that a lady classmate, who now lives in europe, mailed me and shared about her depression. she could identify with my pains and shared some of her struggles with me. and consistently, the message given to me was "you are not alone". and online, there were a couple of social media friends who texted me consistently to simply keep my mind occupied and to keep my mind away from unhealthy thoughts. it was ironic right? the people that were there for me was not him, but people that i had not expected. 

you know who you are, thank you very much. thank you for taking the efforts and time to text, email and/ or call me.  i deeply appreciate your reaching out to me during my down moments.

:-)

liberating vs destructive

i had self-declared singlehood over the weekend. and admittedly, it was with a tint of soreness and disappointment. but with the self-declared singlehood, i felt liberated. yet, i also felt a slight need to want to inflict a certain degree of self-harm. conflicting. what occurred in my mind was - i am now single and i might as well make the most out of my life and have fun while at it. and while i am having fun, let's do it in a manner that i can destroy myself. 

and with this mentality, options like crashing my car, jumping off buildings, jumping into the way of speeding cars in highways were shelved. they didn't carry any element of fun, despite having a common end-state. on the other hand, doing things like going clubbing to meet other people, to drown myself into the crowd, into the loud music, etc did not sound good to me to. i realised i had lost touch with the scene.

in the end, i decided to do things i enjoy but couldn't do it often enough and that these activities also came with an element of risk/ pain/ discomfort. i went to watch a midnight show - yup, to enjoy the show yet on the other hand, deprive me of some good sleep. i went to gay haunts such as fort road and cbp - to cruise and possibly, to get engage group sex, anal sex, anonymous sex, etc and get myself infected with all sorts of diseases and better still die (well, the sex part did not happen in the end) (is this what people called "revenge sex"?). i went for a run in the rain - to enjoy the feeling of rain washing away my tensions, and if possible, fall badly sick. i also took and published my nude pics online in social media and chatted with anonymous characters whenever i could.

so, yup, that kinda described how i felt and what i did to myself over the weekend. and the fact that i did and achieved what i wanted to achieve within my control, i thought the weekend was well spend.

lol.

weekend singlehood

weekend came. mentally, i had self-declared the relationship had ended and decided to give myself a chance at singlehood.

and i knew i would have a lot of time to myself, especially when my mum had gone to my brother's place to stay. i was angry that bee abandon me and left me alone despite knowing i would be free. but i was adamant that i did not want to feel lonely. to me, i told myself i had to reboot myself and to be comfortable to spend time alone. without him. i was so numbed and hardened by then. i was totally disillusioned with this relationship. i should learn to relieve myself of any dependence on others emotionally. and i should start to live positively. for myself. with this conviction, i took things in stride. i did not cry, i did not get moody, etc.

i spend the both saturday and sunday at my brother's place with my mum. but in the evenings, i headed out for some me-time. i decided not to meet up with any friends over the evenings as i didn't want to end up having to tell them sob stories. no, self-pity was the last thing i wanted, although i must frankly add that i was in a somewhat self-destructive yet self-liberating mood, i didn't know how to explain. will talk about it in another post.

anyway, on saturday night, i headed off for a movie in the evening. interstellar. it was kinda apt that i should watch this movie given that it was a movie that i had long wanted to watch but time and again, bee didn't want to (for whatever reasons) and we ended up with other shows. and if this marked the start of our separation, how appropriate right? i thought. but well, i erased that thought and simply went through the show. it turned out to be the best show i watched this year. magical. and after the movie, since i had the very rare time and opportunity to be single, alone, free and in town, might was well head out for some good fun. i wanted to head to the clubs but i had forgotten how to and there was no friends i could call to go with. also, clubs are for young boys, not uncles. haha. in the end, i went cruising. that's what all gaymen do when they have time right? but haha... turned out there were no one at the haunts. perhaps all have gone overseas for their year end break. but yeah...

i had a good weekend.

:-)

don't text me anymore

"zao an bee"

"nite bee"

"good morning bee"

"wang an bee"

what's the point of texting me good mornings and good nites when there was an absolute vacuum in between? you don't even share your flight itinerary. you don't even share your whereabouts. you don't even ask about my well-being. you are not even interested if i am managing your absence ok? if you have me in your thoughts, you will read your line messages. you will read my blog. you will call me. there was absolute silence. and the silence is very loud.

"don't text me anymore"

"goodbye"

opening up & feeling valued

i become withdrawn when i am depressed. and i don't care who you are, even if you are someone very close to me, i will just not open up so easily. and i simply hate it when people ask - but why didn't you tell me? no, i open up only when i feel right, and i don't necessarily feel right at the time when i am with people i am close to. i am not a robot that can easily just switch on and off. many times, it is easier for me to pen down my thoughts via my blog when i am quiet. so, if you value me and are concerned about me, read my blog. use it to complement our conversation. it provides another channel to know my inner thought and to deepen your understanding of me. i remembered how you used to do that, but in recent years you have stopped. and when i asked, you felt agitated and told me off. frankly, when you do that, i clamp up even more.

and i do appreciate if people i am close to can just be a little more sensitive to me. give me the space to blank off where appropriate. and when i needed it, cajole me, give me some good attention, make me feel comfortable, make me feel i am valued. it means a hell lot to me if you can simply tell me my friends have asked me to go with them to (which ever place), but i chose to stay here with you. such actions and the thoughts behind it mean a whole world lot more for me that to say things like you mean more than my life to me, i will be with you for life, etc etc etc. all these words came across as empty when they are not supported by actions. i just need you to be there for me when i need you. and often, it is just be close to me physically. in country. especially when i am down.

it's that simple. you can call me very char bor (woman), i don't care. i deserve to treat myself better.

that is me.