this year had been a year full of challenges, at work, at home and on the personal front. by the end of the year, i was a total wretched trying very hard to pull myself together. i have hardly ended my year on a note as low as 2011. as i mentioned before, i took over leadership of my unit end-last year. at that time, i told myself i needed a year (a fiscal cycle, i.e up to end-mar 2012) for things to fully unfold and for me to experience and learn the requirements. but i had not expected things to be so messy, so much so that i had to spent almost the whole of 2011 clearing old shit (and still clearing) and to redesign and engineer the whole training system from scratch. this was made more challenging by the allocation of new responsibilities and an expanded job scope. coupled with unfortunate developments in my family and my personal life, 2011 turned out to be a superbly challenging year for me. by nov, i was in depression and at the brink of suicide. with this as the preamble, let me start my reflection for 2011.
family
i had expected family life to remain stable this year. but alas, that was not the case. the early half of the year saw mum going in and out of hospital almost every other month. at the peak, she went in every other week. and when i thought that was bad enough, by the middle of the year, she started to imagine things. she started hallucinating and seeing things. so much so that she was convinced some of my dead/ dying relatives visited my sister-in-law and influenced my sis-in-law to kill her. it went on to the point where mum started believing that my sis-in-law had also roped in the maid to help her get rid of her. as a result, she created quite a din in my brother's place and created one helluva havoc in his family.
initially, my brother was insistent on getting her warded in imh, but i disagreed. while we agreed it would be all our interest for mum to move out of his place, i didn't agree to have her put in imh. eventually, we agreed that she should stay with me and this was in sync with her wishes. initially things were ok, but with time, her hallucinations and paranoia started again, and this time round, she started locking all the doors in my house, convinced herself that all her children, including me, were not filial to her. it got more and more challenging to the point where even my second sis, whom i had arranged to visit her daily, became the object of verbal abuse by my mum. she also believed that people in my neighbourhood would break into the house to harm her, and to steal things. and she went to the extent of using tissue paper to plug the door peep hole (she suspected people were using the peep hole to spy on her). very difficult situation. and to make things worst, she started suspecting bee had intentions to harm her too and that i was giving all my monies to his mother. all these created quite a havoc in my own home. and needless to say, i got the brunt of it cos there was no one else at home other than me to bear with her tantrums and hear her go on and on about her worries and fears.
with all the negativity in the family created by my mum, no one really wants to talk to her now... my brother now avoid calling her cos she would go on and on about how evil his wife was (and still is as she believed it to be), my eldest sis refused to come to my house as she still bears grudge against me for refusing to let my dad convert to christainity before he passes on (and for the record, i didn't. i only asked that she do so when my dad is fully capable of making that decision), i have asked my second sis to temporarily avoid coming over as my mum believed she was (and still is) not filial and continued to verbally abuse her whenever she visits. and so, i ended up being the only one to look after her. it was certainly superbly draining, both emotionally and psychologically. thankfully, by dec, i managed to get mum into a rehab center. things seemed to have stabilized somewhat although her negativity is still bad.
let me mention in brief about my siblings here. my relationship with them remain somewhat the same as last year. the key difference this year was the fact that because my mum, many of them began to keep away her. and of cos i do not blame them as my mum had created quite a havoc amongst all of them. and considering their habits of taking things very personal and from a self-centric angle, if they had not avoided my mum, things would probably have ended very ugly. so in a way, my taking care of mum was also to help preserve the sanity in all their different households. i supposed i have to continue to hold on to the responsibility of taking care of my mum.
as for
sapphie, well, she turned 11 this year. that was equivalent to 77 human years. yup, a grand old dame of a dog, in another word, an old bitch. several years back, she was quite sticky to mum as mum would bring her downstairs to pee/ shit, etc. but currently, it seemed like 2 old women couldn't care less about each others' existence. for sapphie, once i leave for work, she would sleep by the door and wait for my return. she would not even bother about my mum! and as for mum, she would be so pre-occupied in her own thoughts that she totally ignored sapphie. but looking on the bright side, at least mum did not start imagining sapphie trying to kill her too... well, ok, back to sapphie. amongst all the many animals/ people i interacted with through my life, she has been the only one that is the most loyal to me. man's best friend i supposed. she has constantly been the single most ardent fan of mine. and she looks at me, does not judge me, regardless of how screwed up i was or how bad/ good i treated her. she showered me with love (licks) and looked upon me like as though i was flawless. really, i may be a man/ human being, but in many ways, i think i can learn so much more from my dog insofar as treating my fellow human being are concerned... well, that would be another story some other time.
personal life
on my personal front, let me talk about my spiritual life first. things took a step back this year. i stopped attending dharma classes, i stopped attending my weekly dharma talk, and i stopped giving dharma lessons. to a large extent, it was becos of my mum. with her staying with me, i did not have the time nor energy to undertake all the additional commitments. weighing between my mum, my lessons and my volunteering at the temple, the decision was clear. i supposed this took a toll on my spiritual well-being. reflecting, i supposed the fact that i got easily depressed and my moods started to get affected by people around me was, in part, becos my mind had lost its focus and concentration on what's important to me. it added to the stress i faced on all fronts and thus, made it even more challenging for me as a whole. i need to get my balance back.
in terms of family life (i.e bee and i), we are now heading into our 7th year. things continue to be very stable. perhaps stable to the point of boredom. we had not gone for any break since 2 years back. he had increasingly been involved in his work, overseas work trips and, lately, his father's bad health. for me, i got increasingly more and more tied up with my job, and in the later half of the year, my mum. all these resulted in us spending lesser and lesser time together. to make things worst, even when we were together, we would be haunted by calls from his work as well as his mother's incessant complains about him not going back. and on my side, my mum's imagination that bee was out to harm her also created additional stress to us. no win situation at all. will have to see how we can realign our priorities and balance things again in the new year.
significant people in my life, my ex'es
for this year, i shall also write a little about people who had crossed my life in more significant ways that just friends. i would refer to them loosely as my ex'es (although i only have one real ex - i.e. james). for whatever reasons, i wanted to have proper closure to some chapters in my life. and to do so, i decided to contact some of them. let me start with chong, my first crush that brought me out of the closet in 1996. i have made it a point to keep in touch with him. he has changed much over the years. he has mellowed significantly and he is a lot more real these days. very different from his idealistic, strongly opinionated, individualistic personality when i first knew him back then. i supposed age has its effect on him. also, i supposed his embracing and practising of buddhism helped him see things from a more detached perspective now. as for collin, we continued our routine annual wishes during our birthdays and our anniversary (it'll be our 15th anniversary this coming feb 12!). it is so warm to always hear from him. as for amos, i decided to reconnect with him after 12 years (?). decided to forgive and move on. no use holding on to tensions. and so, i searched for his profile in linkedin, and sent him an email to break the ice. we have since kept in contact and we now whatsapp each other quite regularly these days. and last but not least, for james (my only real ex), he and i continued to not talk much. he still continue to bring sapphie out for their regular excursions. but most of the time, i would be out of the house when he drop by and we didn't get the chance to meet. but the last time he sent back sapphie after their outing, i was at home. we exchanged a couple of words. although we felt a little awkward, the exchange was warm and cordial. and it felt very good.
there were of course a couple of others whom i shall not dwell too much upon. sufficed to say, to one and all who crossed my path in very significant ways, i wish them love and happiness. admittedly i had been angry with them when expectations were not met, hated them for the way they treated me, but i must add that i have never ever brought myself to curse them. it is not me to think and wish unpleasant things upon people i love/ have loved before. to all these individuals, i wish them well wherever they are now. without these people, i would probably never have realized my immense capacity to love and to care for people. and for that realization, i thank them. they will forever be a part of me.
friends
as per all gay persons, friends remain my "family" and companions for support in 2011. for my immediate close friends, there was not much changes to our level of interactions. we continued meeting up for the usual birthday dinners and occasional get-togethers. i have decided to take a step back in organising things for them sometime in sep this year. i supposed i started to feel the stress of organising things and coupled with my pre-occupations with home and work, i really have no more energies left to go out with friends, much less to organize outings.
and of cos there is another group of friends whom i seldom talk to but that would regularly drop me an sms or a call to check how was i and once a while ask me to meet up for dinners to check on me and my well-being. i really appreciate these friends and i do always remind myself to keep in touch with these friends, or at least to sms them. also, my interactions with a couple of other gay/ gay-friendly friends improved significantly. these include sam,
thomas,
ming, gavin and (the very gay friendly)
tee (jeremy) of mine (whom i consider to be part of my family actually). they were always there to share my ups and downs for this year and somehow, either it was by sheer coincidence or perhaps of their very considerate nature, they always make it a point to call me out for dinner whenever they think i need the extra support emotionally or when bee is out of the country. it is always such a god save to have them around. without their listening ear(s), i am sure i would have disappeared totally. to these very good friends, thank you for being there.
and certainly, it would be incomplete for me not to mention some new friends i have made (eg adrian my training vendor turned good buddy, leonard aka tuls, etc). it's really wonderful to know them and to be able to exchange views about life in general. and of course, the friends i made through the internet, including this humble blog of mine. i shall not attempt to list all of them here as there are just too many. but the more recent ones that gave me their valuable support and encouragement include ladybird, wizard, sharks, ooi2009, raj, shane, tuls, cp, steve, keith, and a couple of anonymous individuals. managed to meet up with tuls but not others. nonetheless, these friends did play a very significant part in providing me with views and support during my difficult periods. to these friend, i thank you so very much. it is certainly an honour to be able to receive the blessings of your friendship and encouragements.
health
three key issues cropped up this year for my health.
firstly, i experienced non-stop coughing that didn't seem to go away despite seeing western doctors many times. in the end, i decided to seek help from the chinese sinseh. i was put on a couple of months of chinese medication and i had to observe strict diet and avoid certain foods. my cough improved and as an added benefit, i also lost quite a bit of weight.
secondly, my insomnia went from bad to worst and i went into depression towards the end of the year. ok, granted, it was not a clinically diagnosed depression
per se. nonetheless, based on the gp's inputs, the signs were clear and consistent with depression. nov-dec period was the worst. i was put on valium to help me calm myself down and to be able to sleep eventually. and although i had stopped my chinese medication, the rate of my weight loss increased in nov/ dec. depression i supposed.
lastly, it was about my bad back. the pain started in jul and had persisted. finally went for my check with the orthopedic and asked to go for my mri. thus far, the physiotherapist said it was nothing more than prolonged bad posture due to an old injury. but i would have to visit the doctor in jan 2012 to get the proper diagnosis.
so, yup, that was the lows of my health for this year. otherwise, everything else seemed pretty normal apart from the usual signs of wear and tear and aches here and there.
work
work was one of the key stressor for 2011.
last year, i lamented that i had 3 bosses. this year, i had 4. and all 4 do not often sing the same tune. one is a micromanager, one is a politician, one is a young and green and blur like fuck and one is totally big picture and bo-chap. so, you can imagine how the 4 stretches me in all different directions.
the work itself was not too difficult. but becos the position i took over was occupied by a person who did not have a good grounding in training, the four years he led the unit saw the destruction of many training systems (if there was any in the first place), many things were swept under the carpet, everything looked rosy on the surface but in actual fact, nothing was working. when i took over, it took me helluva huge effort to get things in place. and it was so fortunate (or perhaps unfortunate) that my unit was put through 4 major training audits by both internal as well as state-regulators in a short span of 6 months. it was pure madness to reengineer processes and procedures, document sops, realign our mission, rework tasks, etc but we made it.
but from my bosses point of view, everything that went bad was due to my staff's incompetence. and they do not accept any other reasons (my predecessor was a huge politician too) other than point everything that fail to my staff. at the lowest point, i was threatened to be given the boot if i continue to side with my staff. the exact words shouted down at me were
"since you side with him, if he goes, you go as well!" well, i know life is unfair, but i think there is a limit to such unfairness. moving into 2012, the possibility of my staff being made to leave is more or less confirmed. and i think i would do the same too.
the only reasons why i continued staying on the job was the fact that i wanted to try to at least chalk up 2-years of experience so that i can transit to a new job with a credible resumé. also, i would very much like to ensure my staff gets a fair assessment at the end of the workyear in mar 2012. otherwise, in terms of the company's people, i supposed i can do without all of them... ok, most of them.
my two other issues with my work were - pay and scope of job. firstly, they asked me to lead a training unit last minute. i was stupid enough to accept it without negotiating for a better deal. worked my butts out and when i checked the market rate, i found out i was paid 30% below market rate. then, becos i have a weak hr dept, i was loaded with hrd responsibilities. and on top of that, i was put in charge to clean up all training systems in the company. wtf! i raised the issue up to my boss about the scope and was told that i have not choice but to take it. and when i raise the issue of pay, i was told that they would review my pay and adjust when and if i can show results and when the time is right, i.e, next jul. wtf! overworked, underpaid. and in the meantime, i get scolding and scolding...
it's very demoralising to keep getting scolding when i had worked so hard. many a times, i really felt it was not worth all my efforts. well, i give myself a couple more months to decide. if things stay like that, i will mostly likely leave this company by mid-2012.
conclusion
overall, i thought 2011 started ok. but it ended to be a very challenging one. the fact that all the challenges of everything in my life (from work to home to personal life) happened together was a tat too overwhelming for me and had it not been for some closer friends, i would not have been here to write this end-of-the-year reflections. looking ahead, i am quite certain 2012 will be no less interesting. mum will only get worst (that is the natural progression of old age) and i will most likely be changing my job. so, yup, wish me luck!
i wish everyone a happy, healthy and contented 2012!
:-)
