sprained neck

i twisted my neck again last night. it's the second sprain in 2 weeks. and i had barely just recovered from last week's sprain.

pain, pain....

sighs...

dinner with friends

this evening, bee bee and i met up with edwin, damien and schneider for a pre-christmas dinner. actually, it was a belated birthday dinner... rather, it was initiated by edwin 2 weeks ago as he wanted to buy us dinner after getting his bonus. and then things got delayed due to non-availability of some of us last week... and in this time, my birthday came, and went, and christmas closed in... and so we decided to have an all-in-one dinner. errr, ok, the birthday part was a little surprise for me. watever the case, it was certainly an enjoyable dinner.

nice food, beautiful ice-cream birthday cake, simple gift exchange, fun conversations, and finally a slow and unhurried walk in the shopping mall... what better way to spent an evening. nice!

:-)

my bored mum

have been visiting mum and massaging her legs and back almost daily. and i think she enjoyed it a lot. quite often now, she would call me in the mornings and ask me to go over early to massage her leg. on the surface, it was about her legs, but i personally think it was not so simple. when i visited her this this morning, the domestic helper told me that my mum felt a little neglected when she saw my bro going out with his wife. also, she would complain about his coming home late when they went out. couple with that, my brother would tell her that he does not know how to massage her and that she should ask me to go over instead. linking all these together, my conclusion was that she was bored and needed attention.

so this morning, i asked her if she wanted to go out. while i could see and sense her excitement, she instead refused saying that her legs were painful, she was tired, sleepy etc. but when i asked further, i realized that she was actually worried about high petrol consumption for my car... sighs... mothers are mothers after all. anyway, i managed to get her out of the house and visited bright hill temple and the sheng hong kong temple at paya lebar. and after that, i brought her for a drive through all places familiar to her - kampong eunos, geylang serai, hollywood, cdac (old yock eng secondary school), haig road, tanjong katong (old tkgs), katong shopping center, amber (old seaview hotel/ yaohan), parkway parade, marine parade, siglap, bedok south market, temasek junior college, bedok simpang, expo... and as i drove her through these places, i would ask her to tell me stories that she could recall relating to the place. and when she couldn't recall, i would remind her of some of these stories. i did all these to make her think and to keep her mentally engaged. i was sure it would slow her dememtia. finally, i brought her to my place where i passed her her favourite kueh dodol which i bought from melaka and some of her stuff. it was a very good outing. she chatted non-stop throughout the 3-hour trip. and i was sure she was very happy to be able to leave the house, even if it was only for 3-hours.

:-)

melaka trip again

just came back from melaka. again. my 3rd trip this year. this time round, it was short one day trip with larry. and half the time, we were in traffic jams. am so tired now.

:-)

combined bday dinner

date/ time: 19 dec 09/ 1900hrs
theme: traditional formal
location: da chang jin korean restaurant

met up with my usual group of friends (my uni friends, schneider, bee) for dinner. it was a christmas cum combined birthday dinner for lay pheng and i. lots of laughter, lots of sliming each other, lots of jokes and of cos, lots of good food. and after that, it was drinks at marina mandarin.

ah... standard programme. again. standard for the fact that we always had the same templated programme. well, ok, the dinner place would differ, but marina mandarin lounge has almost always been the same. then again, i think the programme and the locations are not the key. the key is that the people. it's always good to be able to catch up with them.

thanks for lovely evening!

:-)

sarong beng

sent my car for servicing today and as usual, there were interesting things to write. the second incident that was rather interesting (apart from the china mother incident) was that of an ah beng advicing his friend about buying sarong. and it was so loud, it was impossible not to hear. and judging from his conversation, his friend must be a guy who wants to buy it for his girlfriend or perhaps an ah lian who know nuts about wearing sarong. it went something like that...

ah beng (in hokkien, half shouting): harlo! arrrrr... arrrrr... arrrrr... arrrrr... mmmm... mmmm... mmmm... wat! wat! you want to buy sar-long!?!? sure or not?...

friend: ......... (of cos over the phone, i can't hear lah....)

ah beng: mmmm... mmmm... aiyah! there are so many types, which one you want?

friend: .........

ah beng: i tell you ah, you must buy the type that got chiu nee one (ready-made with rubber band sewn around the waist and comes with pleats). easier la... got chiu nee easier to wear. also got pleats, nicer.

friend: .........

ah beng: but aiyah, how come want to wear sar-long? so leh-cheh one. haiz...

friend: .........

ah beng: you know or not, wear sar-long, can fall down one. so difficult to walk. anyway, you go buy the one with chiu nee. but as i said, difficult one. when buy, you must buy the type center got open hole one...

friend: .........

ah beng: har? where to buy? hmmm, this kind of thing how i know? you hor... ok, ok, you go gu chia chwee (chinatown). i think they have one. go there and look look. and then ask the people there...

well... i didn't get to listen thru the whole conversation as i had to alight. but i found it quite funny. it was clear that this ah beng did not know much about sarongs but he sure was very helpful. halfway thru his conversation, i actually had to restrain myself from interjecting and telling him that he should go to geylang serai or to changi village. then again, i thought it might be safer and easier for me to just keep my gap shut.

:-)

push push

i had a negative experience at the mrt this afternoon. i had sent my car for servicing and had taken the mrt after visiting my mum.

the mrt station was crowded and most of us queued up accordingly at the side of the platform door. when the train arrived, we let the alighting passenger exit first before making our way in. and as i walked in, i felt 2 small hands pushing my waist. i turned back and saw this obese boy pushing me. and then i heard this china lady (the mother?) behind him go "对! 推! 推! 对! 推! 推!" or "yes push push, yes push push". with her prodding, the boy pushed me further. i felt rather irritated by this lady and i resisted, turned my head and told the boy not to push and that the right thing to do was to board the train in an orderly manner. he stopped pushing and the lady stopped prodding. but that was not the end. once they got into the train, the lady whispered something to his ear and he said "不, 不, 我不怕" or "no, no, i am not afraid". i couldn't give a damned as to what she whispered to him. i was rather pissed off i must say. and i was thinking - hmmm! wtf! it is not like as though the boy is trying to give birth! so stop asking him to push!... my bitchy self made me stare at the lady. and sensing bitchiness in the air, she looked away and did not even dare to establish eye contact with me.

what i felt disturbing was the fact that this lady, who looked rather learned and cultured, had openly encouraged the boy to push while boarding the train. to me, such behaviour is a no no. it is very rude. i thought about it and it occurred to me that perhaps she was just being chinese (read - mainland chinese). but on second thoughts, i do not buy this argument too. that is no excuse for being rude. they are in singapore. they should behave as what we do.

perhaps we should do more to educate these people. i could think of some ways for a start. for example, we should put signs like "no pushing" (in chinese!) on our public transport systems. also, i think we should also have public announcements on it too. and talking about announcements, i seriously think those made in the trains should include "do not sleep while sitting on priority seats" or, "if you are sitting on priority seats, please do not sleep. give up your seats to the disabled, elderly or those who needs it".

:-)

ps: talking about signages, i think the pck and rosys' series of pictures are really stupid and an eye sore. there was this picture of pck placing both palms facing you. i understood that he was trying to tell people sitting on priority seats to give up their seats to those who needs it. but hey, who are we kidding, the picture is behind those sitting on the seats and they cannot see it! added to that, the pck picture can also be interpreted as - "if you can't get in, push!"! wtf!

car servicing

it is not usual of me to raise my voice. but that was what i did at the car service center this morning.

i booked my car servicing appt last week. and as usual, was asked to indicate the mileage. this morning, i went for the servicing. and when the car service attendant came to me, his first question was: "did you do the booking?" ok, this was the wrong question to me for a start. and then he asked me for my mileage. second wrong question. well, being a forgiving person, i told him as needed. and then, he went to the car, switched it on, and checked the mileage. third wrong action. wtf i thought, if doubt me, why bother to ask me in the first place rite? mileage confirmed. and then he said: "ok, your mileage is so high, you need to do a major servicing! and you also need to understand that you need to change the brake pads, the timing belt..." that breached my tolerance level ! and i told him off...

i mean, what the hell! for my last several servicings, they never fail to consistently ask me to do major servicing given "my cars' high mileage". i did the major servicing 2 servicing dates ago. added to this, in the last servicing, i had also changed the timing belt and the brake pads. and so, i find it unacceptable for him to be asking me to do major servicing again this time round! from the looks of it, it seemed a normal practise for them to ask customers to do major servicing immediately after checking their mileage. is it becos they want to maximize the amount they can squeeze from customers? what happened to their service standards? since i had pre-booked the servicing and given all details, why had they not checked their records and advised me on what to do instead? why must it be me to indicate i want minor servicing? why are they not pro-active about it? to top it off, when i recieved my car at the end of the day, the invoice indicated "customer wanted minor servicing". well, technically, it was not wrong. but the remark reeked so much of not wanting to accept any responsibility if there should be any problem with the car! and as a customer who had been consistently sending my car to the agent for servicing all these years, i find this totally not acceptable!

wtf!

thank yous...

been a quiet and restful birthday. all the family and friends who sent their well wishes...

:-)

43 laps

i did what i did when i turned 40 today. i went swimming. and just as it was when i turned 40, it drizzled. and as i did, i swam one lap for each year i lived on this planet.

:-)

pwee pwee

this is gonna be a weight gaining month! there is a dinner almost every evening for these coming 2 weeks! hmmm...

:-)

career coaching

i went for my career coaching session this afternoon. and much as i had expected, i did not learn much from that session. i had framed all those things that we discussed. about career options, about way ahead and stuff. but i must say that the coach did asked some rather pointed questions about why i did not want to consider doing my own business, about what was holding me back... and he was sharp enough to suggest that what i perhaps lack is the confidence to jump into things.

well, on the whole, i felt that although the session did not really shift any of my thinking, i did walk out of it feeling good that it had validated what i had thought about all these while.

:-)

dinner with alvin

met alvin earlier for dinner earlier. and while waiting for bee to arrive, we talked about buddhism. it was a rather in-depth discussion and sharing about our understandings about attachments, intentions, rebirth, karma and stuff... it was certainly a interesting conversation. and the vegetarian dinner that we had was not too bad either.

as i drove home after dinner, i told bee that i felt very peaceful. no words can fully describe nor explain what i meant. it was not a case of mind-blank. it was something deeper. there was a deep sense of peace. well...

:-)

happy birthday to me

less than an hour before i turn 43. somehow, the novelty of celebrating birthdays have died on me... it's just another day. or is it? perhaps not. i still think of it... and that is the very irony of things. much as we do not want to commemorate this day, we cannot escape from the fact that we do think about it. and that is exactly what is happening to me. hmmm, the more i want to make it a non-event, the more it becomes an event. even if i do not celebrate it... i still think about it, i still reflect on my life, i still react to it. 17th dec.

hmmm...

anyway, happy birthday to me! as i have told some of my buddies, i am twenty nine this year. thirteen times over... ha ha!

:-)

life's aims

have been doing a lot of thinking over the past years. been thinking about what life is about and what have i, as a human being, been born for. i still have no answers.

the reasons why i thought about this stemmed from the fact that i see many rushing and getting caught in the rat race... and then they grow old. and die. yet, for many all they seemed to be aiming for through their whole life is the whole concept of material and wealth. two very important concepts of what most would framed as `quality' of life. and almost every other straight person i meet and ask tells me give me variations of answer that point to them are working hard to ensure that their family is well provided for if an when they die, or when they grow old and have the money to enjoy life, or to enjoy the luxuries of life through their life... i reflected deeper into each of these responses and i thought - why was it that it all centered on the idea of self? and also, on material wealth? no, don't get me wrong. i am not saying that the `self' and `material and wealth' áre not important. they are. they are definitely important. but i think there are two other ideas that are, some would argue, more important.

and these are the ideas of `society' and `spiritual well-being'.

why do i say so? let's look at the ideas of `self' and `wealth'. my own personal view is that `wealth' is important as long as it fulfils the basic needs of each individual and their immediate responsibilities. and these responsibilities are transcient and will expire with time. when that happens, each individual do not need much to survive. using me as an example. my mum is my responsibility. so, i will need to take care of her. this needs money and time, resources that i will need to earn and make available. but once she leaves me, i only need to focus on myself. and that is easy. right? well, you might say - but you are gay and it's easy. yes, and no. yes for the fact that i do not have other liabilities/ responsibilities. and no, gay lifestyle can be very expensive too, that is, if i chose to live it. now, let's look at a straight person - he/ she may argue that he/ she is saving for the kids. but look here, once the kid grows up, wouldn't it be logical that they earn their own living, considering they have every capability to do so by then?

many a times, i see people chase after wealth so much that they are blinded by it. they became greedy. they forgot about their spiritual well-being. they forgot about their community. they become self-centered. they become over-cynical about people at large. they forgot about their fellow human being. and when this happens, more harm can only follow. it is a dangerous development. it breeds hate. it breeds negative energy. so, i go back to my initial point - that material well-being is important. but up to a point. and this point invariably center on the whole concept of `self'. beyond this point, one needs to direct his energy towards fulfilling his obligation to the community, the society, the human species. for if he does not do so, he would have failed as a member of the human spcies. right? i don't know. what do you think?

for me, i will continue to reflect on my life's purpose.

:-)

guan

today i went for my haircut. and after the haircut, i got a call from gerald. well, guan to be exact. have gotten so used to calling him guan, it is a little weird to call him gerald. anyway, i got a call from him asking if i would be free for lunch... of cos, of cos. it was certainly my pleasure.

guan was someone i met in late-1996. at that time, i was attached to my hq unit for an exercise in australia. and it was the first time such an exercise was conducted by my hq. naturally, i was rather excited to head for the exercise. but being an attached personnel, i was almost all the time alone. and it was during this period that i noticed this very smart and cute looking chap. he would hang around at the field canteen with his buddy. and that was all i knew about him. and being alone there, seeing him and his buddy at the canteen was one of the very few mundane highlights for me. anyway, being a person who do not mix my personal life with my work, i decided not to go further to befriend or talk to him. added to that, at that point in my life, i had just come out and was still trying very hard to manage my infatuation with my first crush. anyway, it was by chance (and fate perhaps?) that we ended up being placed in the same grouping for the r&r that followed. his buddy was placed in another group that departed later and he ended up being alone too. during one of the stops, we were given some time to self-explore some tourist attraction by the beach. as i was alone, i decided to take a walk. coincidentally, he did the same. we ended up meeting face to face and we smiled and self-introduced. it was just like that. that was how we got to know one another.

we spoke at length during the 2-3 days of r&r. but it did not occur to us to exchange our contacts. perhaps, he was conscious of the fact that i was more `senior' than him in the organisation. whatever the case, in the 2-3 days of interaction, status did not matter. it was just 2 friends. but once we reached back singapore, we parted ways. i went on to attend a 1-yr course in safti and eventually got posted there as an instructor. it was then that i recieved a christmas card from him. he simply signed off with his name and nothing else and i had to go into the email address list to look for him - unit by unit, list by list. it was not easy considering the many units available in the organisation. but given the unique surname, it was not difficult to identify him. nonetheless, i sent an email to him asking if he was indeed the same person i spoke to during the r&r. that was how we re-connected. we decided to meet up and he dropped by safti one saturday after work. we ended up having lunch at changi airport. it was a long drive from safti but it was not by choice. rather, we got caught up with catching up on each other's life while i drove without even realizing that we had reached changi airport. and after lunch, we continued chatting at my place till evening before i sent him back to safti that evening as he had left his motorbike there. it was some 3 yrs later before we met again. and again, we spend a long time talking. heh... but that is guan - a person whom i felt was very easy to get along with. and whenever we meet up, we'd talk and talk...

and no, he is not gay. oh, how i wish he was sometimes... ha ha! it's been more than 10 yrs. 13 yrs to be exact. and in this last 13 yrs, he had certainly gone through quite a bit in life. and whenever i could, i would give him my moral support and well wishes silently. he has all along been go-getter since i know him. decisive and highly opiniated. and i admired him for his courage to charge ahead and explore new things after leaving service. on my part, i came out to him in 2005 after being called up and interrogated by my security department. it seemed the natural thing to do at that time. i didn't feel awkward. on his part, he was ok with it. and his visit and support during the period was most reassuring. it was the presence of friends like him that saw me through that difficult period. and for that, i was most grateful. although our interactions where few and interspersed with long periods of non-contact, it was nonetheless easy to catch up whenever we meet.

and this afternoon's lunch was no exception.

:-)

sucking?

i had just returned from my mum's and saw a lollipop advert on a bus that screamed "the pleasure of sucking!"

i don't remember seeing this advert before. and if this is an old advert, i am surprised our perenial so called conservative parents and christian groups had not cried out loud, written to the national papers, etc etc etc yet! as for me, nah, i am not too bothered by it. in fact, i thought it was quite cute and rather cheeky...heh heh... ooooooooooh yes, the pleasure of sucking... of cos, and being the lollipop too.

ha ha!

facial

was at the facial last week and while waiting for the mask to set, i fumbled around my handphone and managed to take this picture! heh heh... first time seeing myself in this state!

:-)

gas stove

had wanted to repair the gas stove hob since one of the point exploded many years ago... 8 yrs? 7 yrs? then i procrastinated. kept telling myseif i could use the other 3 points. and then one more exploded. and i told myself, i could use the remaining 2 points. that was wat i did. until recently. i finally decided to get the gas stove inspected as the thought of renting out my place surfaced.

the service provider just came to my house earlier to do the check. and he found that one other point has also been leaking. and so he did what he needed to do. he cut off the gas supply! and he asked me to buy a new hob. hmmm... more shopping and spending... heh, but i was not upset. in fact, i had wanted to do this for quite a while already. just that i now have every motivation to act on it.

:-)

health target

was talking casually about weight management with bee a couple of days back. and as we went along, i posed this challenge - to lose 5kg by end of 2010. at first, this target seemed easy to achieve as the date seemed very far. but when we started to divide this target into months, we realized that it was not too easy. we need to be able to cut down close to half a kg per month. and this would require us to do some conscious adjustment to our food intake and exercise regime.

hmmm...

we started planning... and we thought of ways to do it. it was quite interesting to note our slightly different views as to how it could be achieved and the ways it could be framed. for example, we could reduced our weight via reducing food intake (eat less of everything), even reducing calorie intake (similar to earlier option but from a caloric intake angle), or simply reducing or control certain food type intake (eg no oily food).

and as we discussed, we reached the conclusion that our initial approach of looking purely at weight gain/loss might result in us missing the larger issue of health altogether! instead, we should target towards being healthy. and to achieve this via a healthy balanced diet and regular exercises. a middle path. if i may call it. in terms of food intake, it must be balanced. other than being conscious of and reducing our calorie intake, we should also reduce fried stuff and go for more fruits and vegetables as far as possible. exercise-wise, we should commit ourselves to a healthy dose of exercises weekly. and if we are healthy, our weight and bmi will be in the optima range.

:-)

retail therapy

the past one week, in particular today, had been one big shopping spree for me. in fact, it was the only time in my life that i actually shopped so much! anyway, this shopping spree was sparked when i realized i was in a desperate shortfall of smart casual clothes to wear! and as of today, i have bought 2 pair of smart casual pants (grey and greyish-blue), 2 pairs of jeans (deep blue and black), 3 polo t-shirts (white, black and yellow) and 3 short sleeve shirts (plain pink, black and white)! going forward, i shall look for short sleeve casual shirts (with prints, floral or otherwise) that i can tuck out... and at least 1 more pair of smart casual pants (perhaps brown or beige tone). heh heh... retail therapy can be so fun! :-)

presbyopia

was shopping at isetan scotts with bee two days back and came across this small corner selling correction lenses for presbyopia (老花眼). i was really impressed with the range of designs on display. every single piece looked so funky! added to that, each piece came with a very chic looking container. and so, out of curiosity (erm, ok, ok, vanity), i tried on one very cute looking bright red one. i held up my hand and put it directly in front of my face...

and i suddenly felt depressed.

i could see my palm better. a lot better. a lot a lot better...

arghhhhh...

!!!

shaker fries

hmmm, this happened quite a while and i was reminded about it during an email conversation with another friend. and i thought i should write it here. it was an embarrassing incident and it involved shaker fries. yes, shaker fries. and yes, at macdonalds, everyone's loving it... so, here goes...

some 2 (or 3 months) back, i met up with francis for lunch. and somehow at that time, i had this constant urge to want to eat filet-o-fish. so, we headed to macdonalds imm. i was pleasantly surprised to note that they had 4 different variations of fish burger meals - normal, normal double fish filet, wasabe fish filet and wasabe double fish filet (see top picture). for the wasabe versions, they were served with shaker fries (see 2nd picture). and being quite ill informed about this fries, i cleverly looked at the picture and saw a plate of beautiful piping hot green-coloured fries. being greedy, i decided to get the wasabe double fish filet meal. i pondered if i should get the normal or wasabe fries (i did not know at that time that i did not have a choice) and i asked francis. he told me the meal came with it. so, without asking further, i got the meals with the shaker fries.

and when i was served, i noticed 2 normal looking packs of fries. feeling v sure i had been misunderstood, i told the waiter i wanted wasabe fries and double checked if i have been given the wrong fries. she replied "yes yes, this is shaker fries!" i was not convinced. i looked at the beautiful photo and then i looked at my fries. and i looked again at the beautiful photo and i looked at my fries again. she gave me a quizzical look and i stared at her. and finally, when she did not do anything further, i carried my tray and walked to the table, all the while, turning my head again and again and looking at the photo and the waiter.

and at the table, i told francis i had been cheated and that we should just settle with normal fries. and of cos, after telling him the details, he laughed out loud. and then he showed me what shaker fries exactly was... hmmm...

embarrassing wasn't it?

reservist

recently, my ex-colleague smsed and asked me if i would be ok to return to my college as an adjunct staff for my reservist. i replied i was ok. and yesterday, i called my ex-hr manager and i understood from her that the reservist department had disagreed with this proposal as they've had separate plans for me... in addition, she mentioned that the security department had also indicated their disagreement given that i do not have the necessary clearance (becos i am gay i am sure...). well, am totally not surprised. in fact i had anticipated this. ironic rite? as a singaporean, i am not cleared to conduct classes for the course. yet, the course is attended by international officers from all over the world. i continue to be amazed with my security department's warped logic. and hmmm, i wondered what their `plan' is... !!!

my family today

today, my eldest niece celebrates her 21st birthday! gosh, it seemed not too long ago that i rushed to the medical center to welcome her into this world. and of cos, to welcome her as the first member of a new generation of the family. it was a significant milestone. and today, 21 years later, i celebrate her birthday quietly reflecting on where our family have come to.

my parent's generation is now in the stage of being extinguished. my generation is now in our 40s/50s and are mostly parents. the next generation is now in their late teens/ early twenties. naturally, i thought about the journey that my family had taken together through the last 21 years. all the joys, sorrows, happiness, sadness, etc. and i looked at the state of affairs that my family is now at. siblings not talking to one another due to different religious beliefs and religiosity, siblings drawn together due to past scars, siblings drawn together - yet not talking - only by the flimsy existence my mother, the closeness that i once felt towards my nieces that is now almost non-existent, and so on. lots of reflection. lots of thoughts. and i was also reminded of a chat that i had with my sis recently. we spoke about challenges of parenting and bringing up kids, especially teenage kids/ young adult kids. we shared about how our parents brought us up and our tensions as young teenagers/ young adults. she shared with me some of her experiences and tensions in raising her kids who are also teenagers/ young adults now. you know, all the tensions, teenage angst, rebellious nature kids, la la la... and i shared with her my perspectives - both from that of a parent, of the child as well as that of an individual. i shared the following:

as parents, we tend to continuously treat our kids as kids...

• we want to impose onto our kids our views for we believe that what we say is the whole truth and the law.

• we often talk down and not talk to our kids.

• in our attempt to impart what we know and nurture our kids, we at times sound condescending and fail to recognise that our kids are already grown ups, well, or at least, want to be recognised that they are grown ups. we need to respect them as individuals too.

and as growing children, especially teenage kids/ young adults,

• we tend to see thing from our own self-centric perspectives.

• we often rebel for the sake of being rebellious. we tend to have this mentality that our parents are constantly out to screw up our lives.

• we are often in too great a rush to want to be treated as adults. yet through the whole process, we do not fully understand what being adults mean.

• we tend to take things for granted.

• we often behave in the most childish manner and yet at the same time, expect to be treated like adults.

• and worst still, we sometimes compare our parents unfairly with our peers' parents. regretfully, we fail to recognise that our parents are learning to be parents themselves. and when they are also learning, how can they be perfect?

as individuals, regardless of whether we are a parent or a kid,

• we need to learn to be more patient.

• we need to learn to communicate, we need to listen, we need to pay attention to what is being said, we need to clarify assumptions and not accept what is being said.

• we need to respect one another. and we need to earn it, we cannot assume that it can be demanded.

• we need to recognise that every individuals need their own spaces to grow, to reflect, to explore and so on.

these thoughts flashed by today. and it also reminded me of the many reflections i did previously. reflections that allowed me to make sense of why my parents brought me and my siblings up they way they did. are we a perfect family now? no, we are not. in fact, we are far from it. the inter-sibling rivalry and tensions etc is a direct result of the way we were brought up and it could have been prevented by my parents. "if only they could treat us all fairly" i used to think. but i now understand. my reflections allowed me to let go of my misgivings about my parents, particularly my dad. my parents themselves were not perfect. they in turn, were products of their own parents. they too were learning to be parents. but what was important was that they have brought us up in a manner that they thought would be best for us. and despite all the hardship and us giving them all our nonsense (especially during our teenage/ young adult years), they persevered and gave their best. as adults now, my siblings and i have the choice to decide how we want to go forward in our family relations. as far as my parents are concerned, they have done their part. they gave birth to us, they gave us a good education, and they inculcated in us a good set of values. we are now parents ourselves. it is time for them to rest. my dad is gone. there's only my mum now. the least we could now do now is to take good care of her as a way to repay her during her twilight years.

heh heh... lots of disorganised rantings. started with my niece and ended with my mum... ha... well, happy 21st birthday my dear niece.

old house

it struck me suddenly this morning! my dad had willed the old apartment to my brother and i. as such, there would be complications for me if i were to buy a hdb. this is becos under current guidelines, a person cannot own 2 hdb properties. and according to my brother, hdb had been chasing us to sign the papers to complete the transfer of dad's property to us. if i understand correctly, we have to do it by feb 2010 latest or we'll have to sell it off. my brother had been putting it off for quite sometime. i half suspect it is cos he is currently holding on to his own hdb and could be forced to sell the old apartment once we signed the papers (as he cannot hold on to two hdb properties). and furthermore, he had rented dad's house out... hmmm... one option is for me to buy over my dad's old place from my brother and stay there. this way, he will get to keep his current house and at the same time, solve my current intent of getting a hdb too.

but i am not sure how my brother will take this option... and i certainly do not know how to bring this issue up to him.

hmmm, need to think this tricky issue...

work clothes

been bugging me for a while now. damned it. and this morning, i faced it again. i do not have suitable semi-formal and/ or smart casual wear! and whatever few i have, i have out-grown them!

damned damned damned!

hmmm. being in the uniformed service was so simple. no need to think of what to wear, no need to think of colour co-ordination, no need to think of whether it's formal, semi-formal, smart casual or whatever... it was just green, more green and even more green... well.. of cos, there were different shades of green (of cos, a few splashes of black and brown once a while...).

and it doesn't help that my current wardrobe revolved around a very few selections round neck t-shirts, tons of singlets, a couple of jeans and 2-3 pairs of berms... argh! i am just so ill-prepared for my upcoming corporate life! i need work clothes! i need lots of new work clothes... including smart formal ones as well as semi-formal ones that i could wear for semi-formal networking events, casual dinners la la la... oh, work clothes include both long as well as short sleeves ones and of cos, tailored and smart casual pants too!

heh heh... & i finally did some shopping this evening. i bought myself a pair of smart casual pants. well, that is a start. definitely still not enough! i will need to seriously intensify my shopping over the next couple of weeks!

hurray?

:-)

management consultancy

recently, i got a mail from the career transition office branch of my ex-employer. apart from asking me if i was interested in some of the possible career options, the officer also asked me if i would like to sign up for programme to help me transit. and as part of the deal, i would have to pay 10% of the total cost while my ex-employer would foot the remaining 90%. needless to say, i signed up for it. well, i must say i was thankful as this service was meant for in-service personnel and they had obtained special approval for me! and yesterday, i got a call from a person from this particular management consultancy. i was asked to attend a one-on-one session to allow the company to know me better and to allow them to design a programme for me.

i met them this morning.

when i arrived, i realized that the company vp himself had been assigned to handle my case. he told me that i was the first person to attend this programme following their recent success in winning of the bid to manage career transition for my ex-employer. and i was thinking - if this is the case, it would be in the interest of the company to make sure they succeed! heh heh... anyway, as briefed, there would 3 parts to this programme. firstly, i will be put thru a series of psychometric tests to help me understand myself better. secondly, a personal professional career coach would be assigned to help me understand which industry would better suit me and lastly, they would be organising networking sessions to allow me to interact and network with industry experts. of cos, through these networking session, i would hopefully land myself a job.

this morning's session was interesting. i realized that the process i had been put through and the homework (yes, there are homeworks to do!) that i had been asked to do, was very similar to the stuff i had done for my students in my last job! and now, i am on the receiving end. and i need to do the necessary reflections, surveys, homeworks, etc before i see the vp in a fortnights' time! when i told the vp about it, he was also very surprised and i half suspected that he felt it would also be rather challenging for him to go through this process with me! heh heh.... isn't it ironic? it is so easy to coach others and when it comes to oneself, it is so difficult.

:-)

dad called

i dreamt of my late dad early this morning. and it was a really weird dream.

in that dream, my eldest sis was carrying my baby niece (which was weird in itself cos my niece is already 21 yrs old this year!) and she was having a tiff with my brother at the entrance of a house. don't ask me whose house, i don't know. i just knew it was a house. there were no details of the house except that it had a door. nothing special about the door. just a normal-looking door. or perhaps there were details, but becos i had focused solely on the door, everything else failed to exist. yet, i was not physically there per se. i was just observing my sis and brother as a third party. it was like i was observing them through a cctv. and my view panned from my sis and brother to the interior of the house. as my view moved into the house, the noise of the squabbles taperred off. again, i see no details except that of a white coloured telephone. it was an old model telephone, the squarish type that telecoms used to install for us back in the early 80s (like the one in the picture except that it was white). the handset was dangling from the phone. yet, the phone rang. somehow, with this ringing, i took form. i was no longer viewing the scene as a third party. i was there. and i answered the phone.

"hello, can you burn some money for me?" my late-dad's voice boomed. "no need a lot, a thousand silver would do..." he said.

wtf! i thought. i knew my dad had passed away last year. but the voice that i heard was so distinctly his. i asked why he called this particular line and he replied that he had tried to call my brother but my brother's line had been engaged all these while. i then asked my brother why he did not place the reciever on the phone and he said that my dad had been calling non-stop and he felt irked by all his calls... and then i woke up.

weird wasn't it? didn't know what to make of it. then again, i bought some joss papers for him and offered it to him at the columbarium this afternoon.

insomnia again

not sure why, but i am beginning to get insomnia consistently again these days. and last night was one helluva weird. i was like sleeping and waking up every hour through the night. and every so often i felt like i was in a deep sleep yet, at the same time, fully aware of bee sleeping beside me and that i was also staring at the ceiling. surreal.

and through the whole night, i was also having all sorts of weird dreams, many of them including one that involved my late dad. it has been a long time since i had such bouts of insomnia.

and no, i am not under any stress currently. or perhaps, subconsciously i am...

hmmm...

housing options

been thinking about it for a while now.

should i sell my condo? should i rent it out? should i buy a hdb (public housing)? should i... well, these are options that i'd thought of that would help me generate income and in the longer run, move to a hdb unit. more importantly, i really think my living alone in a condo is a little too luxurious for me. i really do not need all these space and i hardly use the facilities. so i thought... why not use it to help generate income instead?

and what's been keeping me off making this decision was nothing more than my own procrastination. well, perhaps a little on my part of not wanting to change my environment. after all, these things can be rather stressful... anyway, decided to call my sis this morning to ask her opinion given that she is familiar with property purchases/ rental. and one thing led to another and she asked if i would be comfortable to let her manage this whole transaction.

she decline any commission but instead asked that i foot the company charges. i asked her to go ahead and next thing i knew, she came back with 2 offers of rental for me. one at bedok north and the other at simei... was very surprised by the speed at which she was able to come back to me.

heh heh... getting rather excited about this whole process.

:-)

mum's 77th birthday

today is mum’s 77th birthday!

had wanted to bring her out for dinner couple of days back. but as she had diarrhea, i was not able to do so. and after breakfast today, bee bought her a small pandan cake before he headed to work. i brought the cake and visited her and managed to get her to sit up and blow the cake. i could see she really enjoyed the cake.

:-)

happy 77th birthday mum!

sapphie @ the vet

finally, after weeks of itch and worsening skin condition, i finally brought sapphie to the vet. this time round, i decided to bring her to the bedok branch instead of the usual east coast branch. diagnosis - bacterial infection of her skin. been given a jab as well as 4 weeks of antibiotics and anti-fungal/ anti-bacterial cream. and of cos, as usual, she was so so scared during the visits.

what's interesting about this visit was the fact that the visit cost me only a fraction of what it used to previously when i visited east coast. this was becos the tablets that east coast gave me previously were poultry-flavoured and as such, a lot more expensive. after confirming with me that sapphie does not have tablet taking problems, she recommended the normal tablets instead...

gee... and to think i have all these years been given more expensive tablets without even knowing about it! hmmm...

december!

omg! it's december tmr!

it's the last month of 2009!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

foot paths

they are building a path linking my place to the business park!

i should be happy about it right? but i am so not lor!!!

ok, here's the story! there is a grass-covered 8m-wide canal that separates my condo and my neighbouring condo. this grass patch joins upper changi road east (where my condo rear gate is located) to the opened canal behind sia sports club. residents around the area to have all along been walking through this grass patch and the side path beside the canal as a short cut to the business park and the expo mrt. the foot path created on the grass patch through frequent walking cuts diagonally across. this is becos the entry to the grass patch (at the upper changi road east-end) starts on the left side of the covered canal, and the cemented foot path is on the right side of the open canal.

this short cut, however, has 2 limitations - it gets muddy after rain and it can only be used in the day as it is not litted up at night.

and kudos to the authorities (nea? my town council? hmm, i don't even know which town council my area belongs to). about 2 months back, they started construction works to create a permanent walking path. we started seeing quite a few banglas working and installing lamp posts. at the open canal end, new lamp posts started to line the right side of the canal. at the grass-covered end, new lamp posts installed hugged closely to the side of my condo fence on the left side of the canal. and looking at how the lamp posts were positioned, it seemed like this new path will require residents to walk slightly longer. well, imagine a right angled triangle - instead of our usual walking on the hypotheneus of the grass patch, we will now have to walk on the x-y side instead. you get the idea.

earlier, when i brought sapphie for a walk, i noted that they have started construction works on the permanent walking path. and horrors! lo and behold! instead of building the permanent path beside the lamp posts, this to-be new walking path is being constructed over the current foot path! is this a case of bad overall planning? or bad supervision? or simply case of lack of co-ordination? whatever it is, it looks like it's gonna be a case of public money being put to waste!

wtf!

they were happy

imagine this:

• 4 very well groomed tais tais, & 1 gentleman

• the tais tais all had large hairdos (that reminded one of a wealthy indonesian mistress), carried beautiful bags, wore beautiful clothes and heavily accessorized with blings! and for the gentleman, he wore neatly pressed shirt and pants, suspenders, and came complete with a nice wrist watch.

nothing special rite? just a typical scene from a shopping area cafe on a lazy afternoon rite? well, ok. now fit this twist in.

• the tai tais carried lc and channel bags

• wore obviously fake blings

• spoke loudly in hokkien, complete with occasional singlish

• and the shopping area and nice cafe was in fact a at a hawker center coffee stall

well, you get the idea...

not possible? well, that was exactly the scene that bee described to me about this morning. it actually happened at the hawker center where his business was yesterday. and accordingly, many stared at them and many more probably made some uncalled for remarks. it was not a common scene after all. and all the blatant showing off of the fake stuffs probably did not go well with many.

but well, i thought, they were happy, weren't they? they were happily chatting away, enjoying themselves. existing in a world of their own. all the stuff they were wearing were possibly the closest they could get to the real things. but as long as it made them feel good and beautiful, nothing else mattered rite? and for those who laughed at them, shame on them for they have just made an unfair judgment on these people who have chosen to live the life the way they did. and they were happy about it.

:-)

simple story. and it also dawned upon me that it is not what you wear, but how you feel wearing them that is most important.

physiotherapy

shoulders and arms... strengthening needed! that was what my physiotherapist had repeated upteem times over the last 2 months. and to get them strengthened he made me do some hand, elbow and shoulder exercises. but having done them for the past weeks, i am glad to say they have helped. the pain of my tennis elbow seemed to have lessened.

hurray!

itchy dog

sapphie sapphie sapphie... sighs... itch itch itch... poor girl has been scratching herself so much these days. think i need to sent her to the vet one more time...

sighs.

2009 descriptor

what descriptor should i use for 2009? starting to think about it. some possible words that came to my mind that could be used to describe 2009 include

• year of transition
• year of beginnings
• year of renewal

i have one more month to think about it...

:-)

meaningful life

reflecting, i have spent my last 3-4 months of unemployment leading a most meaningful life. never have i spent so much time with my mum before. and being able to spent my time with her superceded all other shortcomings of being unemployed - the occasional boredom, the lack of income, la la la...

yet, i am very happy about it.

:-)

promotions

recently, quite a few of my friend got promoted. one got promoted to dy gm. another to director. one is already a gm. well, on one hand, i felt very happy to hear of them going places. yet on the other hand, i wondered - what about me? where am i now? kinda big contrast isn't it? my contemporaries are at the height of their organisational pyramid. yet for me, at 42-plus years old, i am starting my life afresh!

and for me who has all my life been enjoying being in front and being successful, being put in such a position isn't really a nice feeling. so... yes, i feel very happy for my friends. yet, i find it hard, regardless of how much i want to avoid, not to feel a little down.

well... sighs...

being at peace

during dinner with jason last night, i came out to him. and he told me that i could sue the organisation for the ordeal they put me through in 2004. he cited that one malay officer sued the organisation and successfully got compensated in legal court couple of years back for their discriminatory practices.

in response, i told him that i had initially wanted to do that. in fact, i was bitter till the weeks before i left service in aug this year. i had kept all the email correspondences, all the records, etc that captured the details of my correspondences with the security department. and all these becos i am gay. these would make excellent proof of the things i was put through. but as i cleared my stuff and delete my old emails, i decided to deleted all these old mails. i decided that it would be useless to continue to hold myself hostage to my past. not constructive. not useful. i need to be at peace with myself. and i decided i should get go. in the end, i destroyed all documents.

and i felt good.

:-)

busy week

this week is a very short week. yet, it was a very hectic week. it was a week filled with lunches and dinners with friends, shopping, chiropratic treatments, swims, visitng mum, la la la. what a bloody busy week... so tired! need a rest!

shutzzzz, i am beginning to talk like a tai tai!

damn!

:-)

adjunct staff

two days ago, i received an sms from an ex-colleague asking if i have any objections going back to my college as an adjunct staff during my reservist...

gay lifestyle

met up with francis for lunch yesterday. and as usual, we had a good time catching up. it's always an amazing feeling to be able to meet up with good friends and talking about anything and everything that cross our minds.

this time round, we centered a lot of our conversation on the value systems of different generations. and through our conversation, it struck me again and again that in today's context, generation gaps do not merely exist between parents and kids. things are changing so fast that there are also clear gaps between people of age groups as close as, say, 5-10 years. these gaps might be in terms of life's outlook, spending habits, attitude to savings, etc. and as we rant and rant, i concluded also that many youngsters today wants to grow up fast. they want to get rich fast, they want to enjoy themselves fast, they want to feel good fast, they want to look good fast. they want to be seen as cool and hip. yes, fast. and all these are even more pronounced in the gay circle where looks are so so very important.

the thing is - gay lifestyle is a one helluva damn expensive lifestyle. all the parties, all the look good, feel good la la la... and all these need one helluva lot of cash to upkeep. and not many can live in such a lifestyle in a sustainable manner. and frankly, not many gay persons indulge in such lifestyles, me inclusive! talk about stereotyping people! ironic isn't it? then again, many young impressionable ones, end up get into all sorts of trouble while indulging (over-indulging) in such a lifestyle in their attempt to be identified as part of the larger gay community. ya, i party becos i am gay and i want to be seen and be known in this circle... what a fallacy! and with no proper earning power, it is no wonder that we get many youngsters ending up with loan sharks, credit card debts, sugar daddies, becoming bankrupts, etc. you name it you have it. i for one, know of several such incidents. sighs.

i hope what i have seen is not representative of the youngsters in the community. it would be very sad if it is.

what do you think?

job-seeking

met up with jason for dinner yesterday. it was a dinner that was long overdue. jason was someone whom i worked with many years back. he was one of my pcs when i was in ocs. we met again in selarang when i got posted there in the late mid-90s but worked in different units. and we eventually became colleagues again in safti in the late-90s.

i am grateful to him for all the help he had rendered over the years that i have known him. as a colleague, he was ever ready to help me whenever i need any assistance. also, he was the person who helped me secure a place on the advanced learning programme in nie. that led me to eventually obtain my masters degree.

he left service in 2005 (i think) and i have not seen him since. nonetheless, through the years, we have kept in contact and he would call me up ever so often to ask if things were ok with me. it was nice of him to keep overwatch of me even after he left the service. he is currently working in the training development industry.

it was the same again last week when he called and asked if i was free to meet up to talk about my second career. that is the kind of person jason is. ever so ready to help. and so, i had a very good evening yesterday talking to him and sharing with him what i am looking for when i look for a job. it was no surprise that he already knew roughly what i was looking for. he spoke to me about his organisation, what it is going through, the challenges, la la la... and asked that if i am interested, i could consider joining his organisation given that there are openings in different positions at the various levels. apart from this, he also offered some suggestions as to how i might want to proceed - eg, be associate trainers and do free-lance training, permanent contract staff, contract trainers, etc. each of these different options has their pros and cons. but the bottom line is that it would be good for me to get myself certified as an adult-trainer first.

it certainly sounded very interesting. i might give it a try. nonetheless, i need to do some thinking first.

let's see...

:-)

dinner with cousin

bee and i had the opportunity to meet up with my cousin and his 20-over year partner this week. it was really good and warm to be able to catch up with both of them after these times. and it's extra special for me and bee to be able to sit down quietly with him and his partner (whom i fondly refer to as my cousin-in-law), and catching up like a family. i supposed such a feeling is something that all straight couples have taken for granted. well... anyway, i guessed it would be the last time i'd be seeing them before they return to sydney for good next month.

:-)

south of the border west of the sun

this the book i am reading now.

chiropractor review

have been on chiropractic treatment for the last 3 months and it was time for a review. did my x-ray last friday and went for the review earlier on. and i was quite surprised to see the changes in my spine alignment! firstly, my pelvic bones, that was earlier noted to be slightly misaligned, is now levelled - that is, if you draw a line joining the two sides of my pelvis, it is now parallel to the ground. perfecto! secondly, the alignment of my spine, that was earlier noted to be curvy wurvy, has also improved. it is less curve now. in fact, my mid-spine downwards (from t-12) is now totally straight. this is a very good sign. thirdly, my lopsided shoulders had also showned slight improvements. this should improve with further adjustment and strengthening of my shoulder muscles. but what has not really improved is my neck. it is still straight as a ruler when viewed from the side. as such, it will continue to cause me shoulder and neck aches. with this review, the chiropractor indicated that for he following months, he would target my upper body and my neck/ shoulders region. also, he showed me some exercises that would help ease the tension at the cervical (neck) area. this region will take time to resolved. expected i guess. it had been more than 10 years since i have had this problem. and i supposed things can only get better from now on! :-)

mortality

was reading the papers this morning and as i flipped thru the last few pages, i saw my friend's face. it was in the orbituary column. it was an uneasy feeling. he was someone whom i first knew when i was a young officer in late 80s and again in 1992 when he was the chief of a training base in brunei. those early interactions with him told me that he was a professional person who took training very seriously. i had looked up to him as a no-nonsense senior. yet, in our interactions, he came across as a caring person who was always there to guide me when i needed his help. when i was posted to selarang in 2003, we became colleagues. he was the safety officer there. that was where i last worked with him. he left for greener pastures that very year when he felt that he was unfairly loaded with more than what he had been paid to do. that was the last time i saw him.

not too sure of the cause of death. but certainly, the photo and the words reflected on the page (his departure, flight takes off, lounge...) reminded me of his dry humour and it made me felt as though he was still alive. but hmmm, no, i will not be missing him. we have parted too long ago for me to feel sentimental about his departure. but still, seeing a friend's photo in the orbituary was weird. the suddenness reminded me how easy it could be for us to go and that we never know when our final journey would begin. most importantly, it reminded me to make sure that whatever moments i have, i need to make it meaningful. to me and to the people around me.

may he rest in peace.