homo-sensitive behaviour?

experience one
was at central last evening with raymond as we waited for bee to finish his class. sat by the river looking at clark quay. a couple came and sit beside us. they came, sat, chatted, joked and ate their japanese ice cream... then the boyfriend look towards our direction, turned and whispered something to his girlfriend. they then both turned and looked and us, gave half a sniggle and continued their sweet-nothings...

experience two
was at the fengshan market this morning for breakfast and my weekly marketing with bee. hawker center was really crowded. we found a table that was only occupied by a couple. we sat down and ordered our food. the couple next to us stared at us but continued eating their breakfast. once the table next to us cleared, this couple quickly took their bowls of noodles, soup, coffee and so on and moved to the next table. and of course, the husband gave us a quick stare before they finally moved over.

well, in both instances, i did not think we were loud nor did we `misbehave' by speaking loudly or acting in a campy manner... looking at the responses, i can only conclude that the people sitting next to us could either be accepting but couldn't help gossiping or simply didn't want to be seen next to gaymen. perhaps i was sensitive, and perhaps i had made some assumptions in interpreting the actions, but whatever the case, both experiences did certainly tell me that people are getting more aware of gaymen's presence, and that there are perhaps some who are more sensitive than others and do not want to be seen in close proximity to us.

on my part, i simply couldn't care less. i don't disturb you, you don't disturb me and we co-exist.

new final assignment

finally received my new assignment for one of my module... this assignment is a killer. but well, i think it should be manageable as i have been journaling quite often over the last 3 months. but hmmmm, still need to go through the reading and literature to do the review and think through my designed intervention... have 2 weeks to work on this final assignment!

push on push on!

:-)

bathing my dog

just bathed sapphie my dog... it's coming to 2 months since i last bathed her and she smells damned one helluva kind now! this is also one of the longest time i had not bathed her, instead choosing to groom her more often...

and interestingly today, she actually smile when she took her bath. perhaps she also knows that she is smelly already

:-)

35 months

this is our 35th month. one more month to 3 years.

how time flies.

2.5 weeks more

it's about 17 days to the end of my masters. for one module, it's down to one final assignment (of which i will be getting the topic this coming thursday) and for the other, it's one more presentation left. erm... actually, not really, i have not submitted my mini-thesis and have till 9 apr to do so. but since i have done the first draft, i am just so lazy to now revisit it and expand it further... so, i guess i'll leave it for the next couple of days and look at it again closer to submission date...

:-)

secret sunshine

watched secret sunshine on saturday with lay pheng and bee. was an utterly depressing show. you might find it rather controversial too if you are an ultra-right winged christian. to me, it reflected the realities and pains of life and how one woman tried to manage it. watching the show, one could easily appreciate the experiences that shin-ae (the female lead) went through and how all the emotions got pent up, the frustrations, the anger... and how it finally exploded and took it's toll on her. for me, i could feel the pain and at some moments, felt utterly depressed too. personally, having gone through the ups and downs in recent years, the show did struck a rather sore cord. although the context was different, it was the very sense of lost, of lack of control, of betrayal and hopelessness that gripped me.

a very human experience.

was a gd friday

been a long while since i have had such a nice and relaxing holiday. and what made it even more interesting was that firstly, i watched spiderwick chronicles the second time round. this time, it was with schneider, damien, edwin and bee.

raymond joined in after the show for dinner. and i guess damien must have felt rather stressed cos of lk presence :-) but it was a pleasant dinner. extra meaningful for me cos of lk's presence. well, she's quite ok joining me and my plu friends for dinner and drinks. and this time round was no exception.

35

thirty five!!!

my waistline! measured using the ikea paper measuring tape while walking around the ikea furnitures earlier this evening! bloody hell!

wtf!

referral after x-ray

went to see the doctor for my x-ray results. was told that i need to be referred to a specialist as he (the doctor) did not know what to make out of the black patch he saw at the base on one of my lungs. so he need me to see a specialist to confirm that the black patch is not due to lung cancer...

such hassles...

interestingly, i did not feel anything even when he mentioned the `c' word. guessed i am already so numbed after the numerous health scares over the last 3 years since being outed at work.

spiderwick chronicles

- the spiderwick chronicles -
been a long while since i last enjoyed so tremedously a fantasy like this one!

x-ray

been coughing out a lot of blood-stained phlegm recently. finally went for my x-ray this morning. quick 5 minutes and i was out of the place :-) the medics were so obviously aj! not sissy, just aj. very very obvious too. the way he stood, so straight it would make the gala pole look crooked, and then he spoke to me in the most perfect english when he passed me my x-ray film, thanked me, flashed his most beautiful colgate white smile, bade me goodbye and gave me the diva wave... and if his eye-lashes were any longer, they'd probably flutter like butterflies!

results of the x-ray will be out on tuesday.

i hate taxi drivers

nothing beats the feeling of pointing my center finger at taxi drivers!

earlier on, on my way home, i was again reminded how much i hate taxi drivers! was driving on the center lane, wanted to switch to the left lane (slowest lane) and signaled my intention. a taxi that was at least one-car distance behind saw me signal and sped forward to prevent me from switching lane. once beside me, he looked at me and gave me the half-smile... super duper frustrating! idiot big fat obese looking 40-plus year old man. such a fucker!

i was lucky that he couldn't go faster as there was a motorbike in front. i was then able to increase my speed and switch lane in front of the motorbike. seeing that i had managed to switch lane, the taxi then swerved to the center lane. when he drove pass me, he had the cheek to turn his head and look at me, again with a half grin!

decided to give him my center finger! bloody fucker! did not even offend him and he wanted to play punk with me! not the first time experiencing such taxi drivers. most of the time, i noticed they are the blue ntuc cab drivers too. simply hate them!

uptight

i think i am too uptight...

amy winehouse

bought the album amy winehouse grammys and really enjoying her songs, especially rehab and you know i am no good :-)

she has such a soothing voice. and the songs she sings makes you feel like you are back in the 60s era... the era where bob-hairdo, polka dots pink dresses, butterfly plastic framed glasses and eye mascara rule!

:-)

medical leave

went back to work today after 2 days of course break (well, 2 days of sick leave for me actually), it was cough-cough-cough non-stop. and my block nose kept getting block no matter how frequently i cleared them... and my throat was just screamingly painful... and to top it off, i just kept perspiring on and on and on... despite the fact that it was a rather cold morning and i had not done any physical activities. i decided to report sick after sometime.

luckily, the doctor that attended to me was not the usual nsf chow-keng tua pwee lor-koon-m.o. this time round, it was one of the more on-the-ball one. after going through the procedure of taking my temperature, checking my throat (open your mouth and say `arhhh...') la la la... he looked at me very seriously and said "i think i need to sent you for an x-ray. you are certainly not fit to be at work. i will give you 2 days mc and after that do get an x-ray done and come back to see me."

wah say!!! hearing about the 2 days mc almost cleared me of all my symptoms on the spot! :-) but seriously, he was concerned about the bloody phlegm i had been experiencing and judging from what i had told him, he wanted to be sure that i had not contracted some form of bronchitis or the likes... so here i am, back at home, feeling groggy from all the medication (again)...

ok, time to go back to my homework...

zzzzeeeeeeppp-tutt

was driving home earlier on after being given mc... it started drizzling as i left office. soon enough, i was on the highway, as i drove, i felt a throbbing headache building up... it's a feeling like there's something slowly eating you away... something very indescribable and something that slowly gnaws you away... very uncomfortable, very disturbing. at first i thought it was my radio, but nope, it was not switched on. and the feeling got worst as i drove and i felt more and more agitated as the seconds passed. to make it worst, the traffic started to slow down and soon enough, i got caught in a jam, all these in the midst of a downpour... and then suddenly, i realized.

my stupid windscreen wiper

with every sweep, the low-pitched scratchy rubber-glass friction went `zzzzeeeeeeppp-tutt... zzzzeeeeeeppp-tutt... zzzzeeeeeeppp-tutt...' this sound kept repeating and with each sweep, my headache got worst. almost drove me nuts! so i stopped my wiper, but my windscreen soon became opaque from the torrents of rain pouring onto it. and i decided to turn my wiper to full speed instead. helped somewhat but the furious speed at which the wiper now oscillate in front of me made me dizzy! seriously, it was between the devil and the deep blue sea...

so i decided what's best for me - turn up my car radio volume to the full blast! never mind if the songs that class95 or gold 90.5 were playing were shitty, at least, it was better than the zzzzeeeeeeppp-tutt zzzzeeeeeeppp-tutt zzzzeeeeeeppp-tutt at regular intervals!

not my day, certainly not my day... and for goodness sake, will someone up there, please turn off the tap! and if you up there decide to use the bathtub instead of the shower today, at least try to regulate the outflow after the bath!

geeeezzz...

breakthrough

finally managed to achieve my first breakthrough in my writing today... wrote something coherent (so i thought) for the discussion portion of my mini-thesis. completed. will start work on the implications, the critique of methodology and the future research tomorrow. well, at least, i can sleep peacefully tonite :-)

think i deserve a good short break... perhaps to start looking at the other module's requirement for the next couple of days... then it'll be back to this mini-thesis again

:-)

4 weeks

counting down to my end of module! in this 4 weeks, i will need to complete my wiki project, my final paper as well as the discussion portion of my mini-thesis.

so sweet

bee bee took leave today to look after me... he's been fussing around telling me to drink this, to eat that, to take my medication, etc etc etc... can be quite a earful at times (especially when you are so so so groggy and just want to sleep)... but it feels nice to have someone look after you lor :-)

48hrs

slept from 12pm saturday till this morning.... must have been close to 45hrs... only waking up to answer the calls of nature and to take my medication... temperature has fluctuated between 37.6 to 39.2...

very uncomfortable... wasted 2 whole days and not being able to do my assignments! really need to play catch up once i recover!

sicko

sniff sniff... cough cough... fever, cold, block nose, runny nose, headache, so uncomfortable!!! both of us down...

arghhhh!!!...

blog blog blog edublog

am so tired and mentally drained... been doing nothing but researching and writing my assignment for the last few weeks. it was even more intensive over most parts of last few days. so much so that my mind is nothing but blogs blogs blogs now... well, you see, i am doing a review of all the research done on blogs in the context of education and i am supposed to write a paper on it for this specific module that i am now taking.

till date, i have searched most electronic databases on the subject, sifted out the relevant ones out of the thousand over that appeared from the search. read umpteen papers on the topic and my mind is filled with nothing but blogs now! and these couple of days had been really nightmarish as i go through the process of synthesizing the knowledge. and i even started dreaming of the topic lately - about what to cover, how to structure my arguments, how to frame certain aspects, how to craft my sentence, etc etc etc... it can be so tiring trying to craft sentences in your dreams and having a voice in your telling you to remember about it when you wake up... and all these happening while you were sleeping!

think i need a short break from this! perhaps i should rest early tonite! before the blog blog blog becomes block block block...

arghhhhhh!!!

paper dolls

went for dinner and a show with bee bee and raymond earlier. on our way home, we were talking casually about childhood games and i spoke of playing with paper dolls and even going to the extend of drawing and designing clothes for the dolls (both male and female)... and it was so funny cos suddenly raymond screamed out "yes! yes! yes! i also played with that... i even designed and coloured my own clothes for my paper dolls!... somemore i was not too keen to hentam bola with my class boys and preferred to sit and chat with my class girls as well as play with my teddy bear..." ha... looks like we gay men have many things in common :-) and oh, if you do not know what i mean by paper dolls, do take a look at a pictures in this blog. managed to download it from the net... just do a search using the keywords`paper dolls' :-)

n korea

related to my last post, if the whole event (including the audience behaviour and responses) had been staged by n korea, i must really give it to them. for they had gone such mile to (1) get well-fed-looking people to attend the concert (2) to train the audience to applause and stand to compliment the orchestra... for if a country is so improverished and some chose to believe rouge-like, it must have really gone a great mile to dress up their people, put them in a concert hall and educate them to behave in such cultured manner. i personally think it is not easy to train a rouge to behave like a well-cultured gentleperson (certainly reminds me of elizabeth doolittle as i write this! heh...). not to mention, a whole concert hall of them.

i am aware that there are people out there who chose to take sides and of cos i do respect that. for me, i am one who believe there are different perspectives and if s korea has done what it needs to protect its interest, i would also like to suggest that n korea has exactly done the same. the question is - what is this `interest' and who frames it. and i want to suggest - the few elites `up there'.

no much different from when singapore was asked to leave malaysia. from our perspective, it was something unfortunate and can be framed from many different perspectives (depends on who frames it). but from malaysia's perspective, i am sure tun had his perspective and had probably done it to prevent matters in peninsular malaysia from deteriorating further. and if i may suggest, in doing so, tun had averted a possible national crisis that may involve bloodshed from happening. if this was the case, it was perhaps the most appropriate and correct decision made from tun's perspective. and perhaps, tun's own political survival. and of cos, if i were a politician in singapore, i would capitialise on the separation to drum support for my own survival. it would be a natural thing to do for my own political survival.

so seriously, for many of us people on the ground, i do think we are nothing but digits and pawns of a select few people (whom we can aptly term as elites) up there and live our lives based on rules and policies dictated by these people. and in the case of the 2 koreas, they are unfortunate states that have to live out their lives after being puppets of two huge superpowers then - united states and ussr. so, back to my point - elites (read - power).

my 2-cents about politics on a wet saturday morning.

arirang

historic event i must say. but how much of it was staged? by north koreans? by the states? don't think anyone would ever know the real story. we have seen north korea through the lenses of modern media that is very much influenced by the west. and i am suspending my judgment for now for i am sure there is another perspective of north korea somewhere out there that remains unseen.

for now, i am enjoying the performance and the music. it reminds me firstly of my junior college days when i performed in the orchestra, and my secondary school days in the early 80s where all of us were taught to sing arirang during our music lessons.

swimming pool toilets

i swim and/ or tan regularly and often enough i see some people hanging around in the toilet without swimming (judging by the fact that i see them in the changing room when i first arrive and when i finished my swim/ tan)... and i find it rather disturbing actually.

i cannot make sense of how these people could change into their swimming trunks, apply suntan oil, and continue to stay in the changing room, do sit-ups, stretches, stand on their toes (yes, stand on their toes! think it's their version of stretching their calves), etc... work up a sweat, strip, shower, and then put on their trunks again and then continue to do their stretches, sit-ups... and the process repeats. there was once where i saw this guy doing stretches that only a ballet dancer or a contortionist could do... he was like holding up his foot like a ballerina and the other foot almost tiptoeing. and considering he is doing this in the swimming pool changing room, it's quite weird. but he went on and on...

and the interesting (or sad?) part of it all was that many of these men are not what you and i would refer to as dirty old men or doms. they are actually in their 30s!

watch james

well, the watch james refers to james chua - a good friend of mine. not that james aka james my ex :-) anyway, decided to sms watch james earlier to ask how he has been... soon enough, he replied telling me he had just returned from texas and had came down with a bad flu (`oh no! how terrible!' was my immediate thoughts) and guess wat?!? he was shopping - what he called retail therapy! soooooooo so so so soooooo typical lor... i mean, what other things can we do rite?! heh heh... :-)

anyway, we decided to meet up next month after his trip (again!) and after my studies. and he shared with me how he admired me - someone whom he considered to be already sufficiently well-endowed (he meant knowledge-wise...) - to be studying and improving myself! of cos my reply to him was - `ahem, of cos la, for someone who considers himself not so well-endowed down there, he should therefore try to be well-endowed up there lor...'

ha ha...

sweet pony & friends

raymond has been so sweet lately... he has been sending me smses asking about my studies, encouraging me, showing concern about my stress level and so on. cannot help but feel so pampered :-)

thanks hor pony!

and of cos, not to mention my other few friends who had given me rather pleasant surprises by texting me (or asking about me thru bee bee) too... never knew they also read my reflections here too. perhaps it is during such situations that one get to know who is quietly watching over you :-) so, to all my friends (you know who you are), thanks!

studying outside

finally i decided to do my schoolwork outside my home as i couldn't resist login into the net when at home... well, or so i thought... anyway, last night, i made a trip to t2 starbucks to do some writing. and today, here i am at olio parkway blasting away my keyboard. and it has been an interesting experience considering there are many people to watch and that the ambient noise is actually quite high... but surprising, i am able to concentrate on my work. and as of now, i am pretty pleased with my progress! so...

and guess what, last nite at t2 starbucks, i actually was itchy enough to get a wireless@sg account and here i am login into the net again at olio parkway!!! but well, at least in an outside environment, the tendency to surf non-stop is very much less and i have no choice but to observe some discipline not to go into gay sites (regardless of porn or not) :-) heh heh...

think i'll probably be doing more of such starbucky or oli-oli kinda studies in the coming weeks!

:-)

6 weeks

6 more weeks to go before i hand in my assignments and complete my masters! and in this 6 weeks, i have one more project to complete (by mid-mar), one end-of-module paper, and one critical inquiry paper to complete, both by first week april.

push on!

Lk's birthday

celebrated lk's belated birthday earlier with a bunch of uni friends and bee bee. korean dinner at novena square 2. foods not too bad. bu what was really fun was the fact that we spent quite a bit of time reminiscing about our childhood days and about cartoons and shows of the years gone by. and for once, i have friends who were able to sing jingles from `the little frog' (xiao qing wa) or adventures of little bao (xiao bao li xian ji), friends who totally understand and appreciate what you meant when you spoke of kampong life, of chasing chickens or getting chased by goose (bee bee was rather amazed by the fact that we actually chased chickens... and why we were chased by goose and not the other way round)!

amazing how there is this generation gap even between people in their late twenties (my bee bee and his friends) and people in our early forties! and i am saying this cos when i was with people in their late twenties, no one, not a single one could identify with all the characters of the shows that i was so fond of :-)

holidays 2008

ha... thinking of where i should head to for holidays this year. think i'll take a break sometime after my masters modules that will end in mid-apr and probably one more in nov/dec period when i clear leave before i officially retire from service... so, hmmm, wonder if i should head to ireland this year :-) such beautiful sceneries! i am sure bee bee would be so thrilled!

ps: ireland

finally watched p.s. i love you. decided to watch the show after the inspiring conversation with my friend that led me to blog about the title. it was a simple story i must say. rather touching and certainly made me tear a bit here and there. but what hit me most was the fact that the show - that brought the audiences to ireland and its lakes - reminded me so much of james.

james and i visited uk in june 2002. during that trip, we drove from london to windemere and in windemere, we climbed hills and took a ferry ride in the lake. although it was summer, it was real cold and my jacket was of no use. the water splashed onto my face despite the fact that i was seated on the second level of the ferry. james, on the other hand, enjoyed himself thoroughly. the experience, the feeling, the sights and the sounds are still very vivid to me. and it played up again during the scene where the three girls were rowing their boat in the lake amidst the vast space and surrounding hills of ireland. well, certainly brought back very fond memories.

anyway, i found the show rather warm and sweet and, to a certain extend, funny. and it certainly touched on the issue of moving on and coming to terms with oneself over the loss of someone dear. i could identify with the emotional roller coaster rides although the context of the cause was different. nonetheless, there are many similarities between a loss and a break-up. the process of moving on is the same, regardless of the context. it is about letting go, it is about acceptance, it is about closure, it is about starting all over again, positively.

personality from dressing

i attended an interesting career transition workshop over the last two days. a professional image consultant was engaged to share with us how clothing colours should be chosen to complement our skin tones and why dressing well is important when we go about job hunting. she shared with us that there are essentially four personality types - classic, natural, dramatic and romantic. and that these personality types can generally be discerned from one's dress sense. and how interviewers can easily size up one's personality once you walk into the interview room yada yada yada... (gee, i really think we give interviewers too much credit! imagine, the workshop facilitator even shared with us where we should look when questions were asked during interviews cos interviewers would know if we were lying [if we look upwards towards right] or telling the truth [if we look upwards towards the left])!

anyway, the image consultant went around looking at each and everyone of us and, from our dressing, gave us her views of what our personality are (i call it `guessing'). well, she got everyone right except me :-) she categorized me as `romantic' given that i had worn a well colour co-ordinated slim fit long sleeve shirt, nicely ironed tailored pants and colour matching belt & square tipped shoes. in short, i looked very trendy amongst all the other personnel from my organisation who attended the programme and were wearing simply tee-shirt and jeans (although i was not sure if i had looked more gay then trendy though! heh...) and she went on describing me as someone who is extroverted and would go around making friends and a person who is good at small talk, social animal la la la...

well, she couldn't be more wrong lo! if i were to categorize myself, i think i am more of the natural or the classic type. i had dressed up a bit more on that day as i know we would be covering on the topic of self-image... so... anyway, i concluded that it is easy to mask one's personality through one's dressing. for that matter, this very example showed how i was able to snook this so called professional image consultant :-)

of friends and family

since writing my entry on my dad and my brother, i have had several friends texting me or mailing me to ask if everything is ok. some even gave their views of the issue and advice me how i could go about solving this issue. but from these correspondences, i noted interestingly (from the angle of the questions and advices that came in) that each and everyone has interpreted the issue slightly differently. reflecting, i guess it was a case of each of them having different experiences with their respective families. as the saying goes, we are products of our experience. and with this different experiences, each and everyone has made certainly assumptions about the issue when they communicated with me. however, what was reflected in my blog had not captured with sufficient history and depth to allow one to fully appreciate the family historical baggage... and without this history, it is perhaps not easy to frame the extent of the emotions and the dynamics that runs deep amongst my parents and all siblings today - the so called `politics' within the family.

i do really appreciate all the advises that came in altho there are many a times i personally felt my personal space to make my own decisions had been intruded upon and views imposed. and on several occasions, i may have sounded rather curt when i replied. nonetheless, i can understand that it is with good intent that these messages came through. i mean, why would anyone bother to text/ mail me at all for my family business has nothing to do with them right? and to me, the answer is very simple - it is because i am their friend and in communicating with me, they hope to be able to give me some views and advice so as to help me manage this issue.

so, to these friends, thanks for sharing your views. they are very much appreciated. and do excuse me if at any one time, i had sounded unfriendly for it was not intended.

youth olympics 2010

i was in the middle of class when a very short sms came in from lk "we won the bid to host the 2010 yog!" it read. i couldn't contain the excitement and stopped my lecturer in the middle of her sentence and announced it to the class... even my lecturer was very excited by it :-)

it was a real wonder to see how such events bring people together - both from singapore and from the region too. to me, the win reflects not just singapore's success but rather, asean's success as a whole for it will be the first time that an olympic game will be held in south east asia... and looking at the channelnewsasia website and the responses from readers, i do certainly see people from around the region such as malaysia, the philippines and indonesia posting to indicate their excitement and to extend their good wishes to singapore.

so exciting! let's make it happen and let's make it good!

:-)

spurs

finally went to see a specialist yesterday about my frequent neck problems. i was diagnosed to have a tiny spur growing on my vertebra c5-c6. this spur had apparently been caused by my cervical spondylosis problem. the consultant advised me to start some physio so as to strengthen my neck muscles and to also start taking vitamin b complex. according to him, the spur is small and it is still not advisable to remove it surgically altho this would be something i might have to think about say 10-15 years time.

also, for my knees, he asked that i take glucosamine so that the joint can heal and that i should also do some strengthening so that the pain can be better managed...

am glad i decided to get a second opinion for i was quite irritated by my workplace mo who keeps telling me that it is `usual' to get such aging pains and that he cannot do anything about it. finally, at least i get an answer and a closure to all these years of pain.

my (ex) brother

the reason why i inserted the word (ex) before the word brother was the fact that he had acknowledged yesterday that he does not regard me as a brother anymore. anyway, what happened yesterday was that, after receiving a letter from the police about nuisance calls to 999 from my home phone, i smsed my brother to help me talk to my dad. in my sms, i indicated that i am at my wits end and that i have given up advising him already.

my brother's replies took me by surprised - he went something like - how can you give up on your parents? you treat your friend well and you give up on your parents. and he went on about how i should treat my family better, how siblings are the only ones i can trust, how friends are only after my money and stuff and so on... his following strings of sms went to the extend of threatening to come to my house to `sort it out with me', and that i had better own up if i am gay and that everyone already knows about it and that he would announce to the world about it and that i need to seek psychiatric help and so on and so forth. it was most unexpected. and all these hostility started from his wrong interpretation of my two words - given up. nonetheless, being a hard header person that he is, once he gets angry, there is no more reasoning possible.

my responses to each and every sms of his was very controlled although i was visibly upset by his hostile responses and chiding me for things not related to what i am asking him to help. then again, i told him to dissociate my purpose of asking for his assistance to my sexuality and told him that if he feels comfortable telling `the whole world' i am gay, he should go ahead for i am pretty fine with it. it was ironic that despite telling me that my siblings are the only ones i can rely on, he had outrightly not helped me.

his smses kept coming, strong, fast and furious and each one laced with all sorts of allegations about how i have failed as a brother and how he has changed and that he is not the person he used to be etc... and how it is no big deal to him that (in his words) he do not see me as his brother anymore and that i should stop contacting him further. i guessed all the years of pent up anger came through the sms yesterday. all his inferiority complex, all his insecurities, everything!

the whole sms episode occurred as i was standing at my house car park and i just stood there frozen. by the end of this string of smses, i was visibly upset and decided not to head upstairs to my house. so i started my car and drive off - not knowing where to go. by then, bee bee was already with me. and he decided to buy me a good dinner at prego to cheer me up (works all the time!)

reflecting on the whole issue during my drive to town, i kinda conclude that if there is one single thing that came out of this unpleasant episode was that i came out to my brother. at least i do not need to pretend he does not know anymore. the fact that he does not want to acknowledge me as a brother anymore is quite immaterial to me for we do not talk often in our lives and that we have lived separately since 10 years ago. it's a state of mind kinda thing if you know what i mean. so, if it helps him move on and better manage his life with the knowledge that he had severed ties with me, so be it. it does not change the price of anything. afterall, we each have our own lives to lead. i also do not blame him for his perception of me for he sees and know me through me dad's eyes for the last many years. and i can only imagine all the sorts of stuff my dad had told him given that he always interpret my advises as restrictions. well, so be it. my conscience is clear.

as long as he is happy. i know i am.

by the way, why does this thing happen now after all these years?... the `year of the rat' curse for horses like me? heh heh... so, it helps to see things from the bright side i guess :-)

managing my dad

it's been getting harder and harder to manage my dad these days. he has bad habits and it is impossible to change them... have tried all sorts of way and it's been futile. and his bad habits get onto people's nerves and often it ended up on my lap for me to answer. for example, he likes to spit out of the balcony, brings the dog out for long walks and unleashes her, he eats ang ku kueh and throws the banana leaf base out of the balcony, he throws pieces of scrap paper out of the kitchen window, and so on and so forth... and then, i would get complains.

to top it off, he'd lie and deny all those things he'd done when i asked. and when i show him proof, he'd swear blind he did not do it... all these despite seeing it with my own eyes.

he also cannot take advices. for example, despite having incessant cough, he continues to drink cold tea, something that all in the family had advised against, at least temporarily till his cough stop, he wouldn't listen. similarly, he would eat and eat without due considerations to his weight. it is not possible to convince him that he should manage his weight. his reasons, has always been that he is diabetic and needs to eat. but soon enough, i realized this is an excuse... how do you explain eating a huge bowl of noodle, claim he is full, then slurped another packet of nasi lemak, then eat bread? all within an hour? and when asked, his reply is - "oh, got food so i eat lor"... and through chinese new year, he'd munch away all the oranges, cookies and bak kwa. not giving a hoot about his cough or the fact that he is diabetic. last month, i bought 600 grams of li kiam (preserved plums) and he finished them all within a week!

he's a medicine lover. has been taking all sorts of medication by himself through his life to the extend that his liver stopped functioning in 2000. he is lucky to be alive today. yet, he did not learn his lesson. he would often utter all sorts of expletives when he goes to the doctor and not get the amount of medicine he expects to get. and he'd sleep through the day and stay up whole night coughing, watching tv, play with the dog, eat and so on. and then he would go to the doctor to complain of insomnia and ask for sleeping pills. and really, i was upset when the doctor concluded that he is suffering from depression and told him that he needs to be referred to psychiatrist without even checking his sleep habits. talking about staying up at night, he would call my brother through the night and chat with him over the phone.

yesterday, i received a letter from the police telling me that there have been silent calls to `999' over the last 2 months and that some of the calls occur as early as 4plus in the morning. not sure how i can manage this and smsed my sis and brother to help. not easy and certainly i don't feel good having to tell him off once a while. decide not to talk to him about it anymore as his mentality now is that i'm trying to restrict him. also, i'll probably explode if i do engage him in any talk at this point in time.

he is 76 year old. an old man. but then again, this has to be managed. and i am really at my wits end now.

slowing down

i will probably be slowing down my blog entries over the next month or so... depending on my workload. still, i do appreciate the occasional comments and smses. keep them coming. keeps me going...

coincidentally, my final major assignment is about blogging and how it has been used in higher education.

:-)

ps: I love you

this post has been inspired by & has been written & dedicated to a dear friend.

catchy title of a show that is showing now. perhaps, i'll see it :-) but certainly, i wrote this title for different reasons la... only those who are in the know will understand what i am talking about. it's funny how love can sometimes make a person yearn for another so hard that he/ she would do silly things. things that sound totally out of the world and illogical to by-standers. but that i would suggest, is the very essence of what makes us alive, pushes us and that defines us so distinctly as human.

and the funny thing is that such intense feelings does not only exist in the young, hot-blooded, hormone-charged teenagers or those early-20s. hormones know no age i guess. but i kinda conclude - do what you want, just make sure you are happy. of course implied and assumed in it is the moral boundaries that one should define (eg no killing, no lying, etc). live each day as tho it is your last. make it meaningful. enjoy the moment and make it worth the memory 5, 10 or even 20 years down your life. remember titanic? :-)

some live their lives to make good things happen, some live to make sure bad things don't happen. whichever way you live your life, just make sure you weigh your options, and then do it! most importantly - live it! and through the process, be happy about it.

ps: pse bring along tissue if you go watch the show...

group projects

been 2 weeks or so since i last posted. chinese new year is considered over after all the strings of visitors etc.

it's almost full-time (or rather, using all of whatever time i have other than work) into my final 2 modules assignments now. talking about assignments, i always dread going into group assignments cos there will also be one or two of those who would cock up your group's effort... it was the same last year where my group had the system designer lead pull out 2 weeks before due date as he wanted to do the project alone... and again it is the same this module where despite agreeing to the task allocation, one (the one who agreed to do the data entry and rule-designs) would bitch day and night about it and went to the extend of submitting half-baked products. when asked if he can improve on it, he even had the cheek to retort "you did not even do the data entry and rule design personally so i do not think you know the difficulty involved." his words reek so strongly of "you should do it before you can even come and talk to me about it"... what high-handed remarks and audacity! i design the question, you design the rules. and i thought that was the agreement... and despite that, i had already designed the rules for him and he just focused on data entry!

anyway, who cares about what he says, i'll take it upon myself to finish the product and submit it... and who cares that in doing so, i might be helping him score... what's more important is that i shan't let him jeopardize my opportunities to score well. anyway, managed to finish it over the last two days. he'll learn if he wants to, his loss and not mine. life's too short and has enough stress already. no need to get all these extra stress.

well, next week, will need to do a presentation, discuss another project proposal and do my write-up for my final paper. very tiring. but am kinda enjoying the load for it helps me push-on! and of cos, in return, i get to sleep very well... :-)

auspicious start

better put something new and auspicious as my blog title over the lunar new year period (all said and done, i think i better be safe and be pantang a bit, hmmmm, that my baba part talking and behaving) ;-)

anyway, have been busy busy busy and time really flies when you are busy!

cannot imagine that lunar new year is already here! and of cos, this time, a couple of days later, i'll be saying - wah... lunar new year over lo... all the efforts.... it happens every year. but the interesting thing would be that every time the lunar new year comes near, everyone (not only me) will get all flustered with all the preparations, the flowers, the cooking, the cookies, the tua-chai, and so on... guess that's the chineseness in us :-) and thank goodness, this year, bee bee was around to help in the housecleaning too! and today, it's cooking the chap chye, the kong bah, the curry chicken and so on for reunion dinner... same dishes for reunion dinner yearly but it is this routine and tradition that defines us as a family and familiarity that we look forward to yearly on such a significant occasion!

it's gonna be a busy new year for me. hosting my immediate family on the first day, cooking and hosting all my paternal side relatives on the second day and my friends on the third day. and yes, sapphie is getting all excited about the sudden burst of colours around the house and of cos, her red red ribbon that she wears around her neck during the lunar new year every year.

anyway, have used red for this post in view of the new year and i also wish all my friends and those of you who visit my blog a happy, healthy and abundant year ahead!

:-)

brain dead

took a day leave to do my research and to catch up with my readings. and it turned out worst than i had expected. you see, my supervisor had given me a stack of papers to read and to review and i had assumed that they are well coded and categorized... realized today that they are not and i had to go thru the net to search for the soft copies. and after that, it was a case of slowly organising them and sifting out the details... one whole day and i completed less than 6 papers (out of the 14). and i was told i need to try to search for 20 - 30 articles for my assignment. so, it's gonna be a huge task to search for them, code them, summarise them, do the literature review, and then to write up the review of research...

all to be completed by mar 08!

and this is only one of my two modules!

and oh, did i mention that i also need to complete my research proposal and post it by tomorrow for online discussion and to do a presentation in two weeks' time?

arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!

9th & 10th modules

realized that this time round for my 9th and 10th modules, i somehow cannot find the focus to do the readings and the writings! and it is really making me irritated!

atm

went to the atm last evening to draw some cash... pressed my secret pin, pressed the amount i wanted to withdraw, waited for a while, took the card and walked away... and left the machine beeping non-stop... the couple standing behind me had a shocked face... i walked away...

and i wondered why the machine did not stop beeping after i walked away... and next thing i knew, bee bee and my friends shouted at me... apparently, i had drawn my cash, but ended up walking away without removing my cash from the machine.... :-)

no wonder the couple standing behind me looked so shocked!

gay neighbours

interesting that last month, a gay couple moved into my block. their unit is one level above mine and their kitchen looks into mine.

the first indication that i have a gay couple as my neighbour was when i noticed 2 youngish `gay' looking men [ok, ok, call it my gaydar :-)] walking in the kitchen and one of them wore a sports cap. kinda weird to be doing that at home in the evening. anyway, i ignored that first encounter. a couple of days later, i noticed a huge group of perhaps 8-10 gaymen (this one i am dead sure... u don't need gaydar to sense them) walking in and out of the house. i concluded that they were having some sort of housewarming...

from then on, it has been interesting cos once a while, they would look into my kitchen when i am home. and as for me, i will be more aware of their presence. it's like cruising people from your own kitchen! and it was quite a weird feeling :-)

this aside, i am just glad that my neighbourhood has a couple more people like me :-)

fading away

i am not sure why, but somehow i find myself not as bothered nor do i think so much about james these days. perhaps it is a case of me going into my final phase (whatever that means...) of moving on. or perhaps it is a case of me getting pissed off with his coldness towards me. or could it be that i'm accepting that fact that we will never be friends if things go on like this. or perhaps it's just a case of me being so preoccupied with my life at this point in time. whatever the reasons, i am just less bothered about him and i do not think of him so often these days.

but one thing i am sure, he will forever be a very close part of me deep inside. & at this point in time, i am just so glad he is with jack and that they seem happy together :-)

chinese new year

at my age, chinese new year is not something i look forward to... all the housecleaning, all the fuss over that one single day of the year. very energy sapping. and i personally think the whole spirit of chinese new year has been diluted over the years. nowadays it is so bloody commercial, even all the cookies and decorations are sold in bulk everywhere! and things are so expensive too. it's no wonder why so many people prefer to keep things simple and just get away for a short holiday.

as a kid, chinese new year used to be a simple family affair where we would visit relatives and close friends, catch up with each other as well as to reflect on our past year. the making of cookies, kueh kueh, decor and so on used to be a very social affair where family members would come together to make. and the whole process itself would be so warm. and the value of it all lie in the process of preparing for the celebration as a family. i clearly remember how we would gather around the charcoal to roll freshly made love letters, or how we would gather to fill the batter base with cooked sweetened pineapple to make pineapple tarts.

somehow, all these have disappeared and in it's place, everything has become commercialised. it's all in the `instant' culture - instant cookies, instant decor, instant everything! all these, to my view are at the expense of the true spirit of togetherness and bonding...

anyway, this is what things are today. the day will still come. and i will still need to do the necessary preparations and cooking - on my own...

spring cleaning

it is so hard to spring clean when you constantly have dog fur flying around... enough to create a nice `carpety' feel around your house after a few days! well... anyway, think i better start doing some major cleaning... if not the floor, at least wiping the bed frame, washing the curtains, washing the bed sheets, wiping the walls, la la la... once a year affair. painful but necessary (don't ask me why, just necessary)... it's a habit. and to me, a good habit.

superstitions aside (which i don't think i am), the spring cleaning also allows me to get rid of unwanted stuff and consciously sweat the small stuff about cleanliness - at least once a year... it's a hygiene thing :-)