disinterest?

bee asked me why i seemed so disinterested in attending anything related to the temple these days. he asked this when i replied i'd prefer not to attend a friday evening talk last week. well, frankly, it was not that i was not interested in it. in fact, i am even more interested. but i would like to relook at the approach of how i should go about my learning journey. i have decided that i should do learn in a way that is congruent to my own beliefs. my teacher, the lord buddha, taught me to question. my teacher taught me not to accept when is told simply. and my teacher taught me to strive for my own enlightenment. in short, he taught me to be critical and objective in my learning. he has done the same in his own search for the truth and that is what i am doing now.

as to why i have decided to do so, i must admit that i am disappointed with many things, and much of this is related to people's ego, ignorance, pride, self-agenda and above all unenlightened politics. i am disillusioned with many people i have interacted with. but i shall let things be. what i have learned from the last one year when i made the deliberate decision to plunge myself into the whole community was that there are many who have put their hearts into this community and that their efforts are commendable. but conversely, in the spirit of not offending people and allowing things to be, there is also a very strong underlying disquiet. the live and let live mentality is a good one. it allows things to flow. but i am also acutely aware of the fact that we are human and that the live and let live mentality is not easily attainable. and so, the result is unstated resentment. a lot of it. politics in its pent up form.

i have also seen many undesirable aspects of people in this community. but well, shall just leave it here. no point stating them out. afterall, we are human and that humans are known to err.