managing relationships

managing relationships have been on my mind for the longest time ever and today, i decide that i will write something about it. it may come across as disorganised, but hmmm, i need to start somewhere rite? so here goes...

i am that kinda person who would withdraw into myself when things around me stresses me out (esp when people behave in the manner that does not commensurate with my expectations). when this happens, the turtle personality in me would take over. it is the kinda personality that chooses to withdraw into oneself and that would enter into a reflective mode to analyze why things did not go the way i envisage it would go. and often my reflective mode upsets people. and i really wish that when i get into such reflective self, i could be left alone so that i can sensemake peacefully.

people who donno me calls me moody and that i have many mood-swings and then they get upset and starts to question/ confront me. this would only make me withdraw further and often actually become moody in the process. i would very much prefer if the person can assure me calmly and talk it through with me. and of cos a hug or a cuddle would be most appreciated. anyway, when i emerge from my reflective mode, i would have already concluded how i should tackle such situation when it arise again in future. and often, i find myself getting into a self-blame mode and if the tension was due to my behaviour, i will end up choosing not to behave the same in future.... in short, i get more and more jaded...

this perhaps explain how one person's behaviour can be shaped and changed over time by the people he hangs around with. often, when a person is faced with an environment that does not live up to his expectations, he either adapt or withdraws, or worst still, withdraws and tries to adapt. and the same dynamics also occurs internally in the opposite party. and depending on how each other interpret and receives each other's change in behaviour, tension may arise. this tension must be removed for if this tension is not clarified, it will built and grow...

overtime, the tension will reach a tipping point where everything will break loose... that is where arguments, fights, disputes, or even relationships will break. so there is a lot of truth in the saying that `one should not go to bed with his partner if there is a hanging tension'.

my conclusion is that, the tension is created due to the differences of perspectives between the 2 persons. and this is to be so becos both are borned of different parents and have gone thru different life's experiences. therefore, both needs to communicate (now, this is a big word that no two person has the same definition). both needs to clarify the source of the tensions. take away all the inferences, assumptions and anger and drill down to the crux of the matter - be it sexual needs, differences in intellectual capacity, attitude to specific issues, etc... ultimately, both may not agree, but at least both will have a better clarity of the source of frustration/ tension. also, make the communication explicit.

don't assume that everything u do is understood or perceived by the opposite party to be the way you intended it to be. assuming makes an ass out of both parties. and often, it is not how much you do or say, but rather, how you make the other party feel that is important. and when you do this, make sure the other party understand ur purpose/ agenda. again, don't assume the other party understands ur actions. don't take the chance. this clarity will make the effort to adapt easier - eg you cannot say `i want you to communicate' or for that matter, communicate intellectually, and expect it to happen suddenly. you need to help nurture it, you need to help the other party. and that, is where the actual communication process comes in - it is abt communication & not conversation. communication is a process, not an end-state.

and despite all this, if one party refuses to bulge or expect a change without lending a hand to the other party during the process, there will be no solution. it will only end up with the both parties getting more tense. a relationship is not much different from a transaction. both sides need to negotiate. and for that matter negotiate on a win-win basis. and to be able to do this effectively, the layers of assumptions need to be taken away and the empirical factors involving individual needs must be made explicit. often, one tends to be more critical about his own partner as compared to his friends. why is this so? one should never take the relationship for granted.

eugene once told me this 3 yrs back - in a relationship, both parties need to grow. and i do add here - that both parties need to help each other grow. to make a relationship work, you need to take cognizance of these 2 points and prioritize your resources (time, money, effort...) accordingly. work towards going into a positive cycle where ur efforts will result in the opposite party's effort and in turn drive your effort. avoid going down the negative effort spiral. once you hit the negative spiral, it is difficult to go up. it takes two hands to clap. if one hand refuse to clap and only focus on one's own needs, the relationship is doomed, either it will break-up or one party will commit suicide.

in a relationship, if one party refuses to do it, it is better to break off early. don't let the tension disguise itself in the form of one-sided accommodation and built over time. you will be robbing each other of the time that could have been better spent on someone else. and it is detrimental to both parties. short term pain for long term gain - sounds familiar?

finally got this written down. it is easier to write about it retrospectively and i admit i have, as one of the two clapping hands, contributed to the failure of my relationship. and from this perspective, i would also want to suggest that there is also some truth in the phrase that says - with age, comes wisdom... or to reword and to take away implied assumptions that age equates to experience - with experience, comes wisdom.

do i make sense?