Peter wrote to me after reading my previous entry that being gay is not a choice as what my best friend's email reply (after i came out to him) had suggested.
I feel likewise. For me, I am sure I was born gay. I believe my internal conflicts and struggles before coming out at age 30 was largely due to my inability to understand and accept my behaviour and views of men as it contradicted what I was programmed to believe since birth. Nonetheless, when my best friend (bs) said he respected my `personal choice', I did not see the need to debate on these 2 words. Personally, I think he will probably not be able to fully comprehend it too (he is straight and is married with 2 kids).
I also believe my coming out to him must have been as traumatic for him - considering that his very close (if not, the closest) friend come out to him after 19 years. I could sense this in his email cos for the very first time, he spelt my name wrongly. Call me drama if you wish but I could sense his hands trembling while he typed the very carefuly worded email. Let it be. Let things cool down. Let him come to terms with my being gay first. Let us establish the new balance in our friendship and overcome the awkwardness in our interactions before I start talking about sexuality issues.
I guess he will never fully understand my feelings towards him. We were so close back then during our NSF days in 1986/7. We were in different Coys, but whenever possible, we would do everything together. Spent whatever free time we had together. Chat on the phone whenever we were apart (we did not have mobile phones then, and we had to carry so many 10cent coins to call each other on coinphones), etc. We would spent our weekends together, shopping, watching movies or just sitting by the marina bay chatting through the night. And we knew exactly where and when to meet when we say let's meet later - same place, same time. It's always 6.30pm at the wisma atria clock (back then there was a clock outside wisma atria). We were just so bloody close. So much so that many of our camp mates thought we were boyfriends (considering all my camp mates are straight and that the concept of gay was not very well known or accepted back then).
Reflecting it was really beyond just male-bonding. But it seemed so natural for us.The closeness led to the feeling of terrible pains when we parted our ways. With my encouragement, he went overseas to further his studies. The joys of writing and recieving letters and postcards (back then, we had no emails) to and from each other every day for more than 2 years; the joys of seeing him graduate and return; and again, the pains of him leaving me to work and eventually his migration to the States. And during that whole period, I kept close contact with his family, visited them and gave tuition to his brother. To me, they were also my famiy.Between us, there was nothing we do not speak to each other about. But some things we avoided. These included anything related to sex, relationships and religion.
He'll probably never understand how I felt when he came back from States one day and asked me to be his bestman for his wedding. I did not even know he had a girlfriend. He did not tell me. I guessed he felt awkward asking too cos we'd never spoken abt his girlfriend and he did not know how I'd react. But I helped. I got to meet his girlfriend. Internally, I hated her. But I have since learned to accept her. She is now a dear friend too. I helped co-ord his wedding. Helped decorate the church. Be his bestman. Be his driver. Took care of his family. Took care of everything for him.
For me, it was extra awkward for I did not understand why I had felt that way. I had not even come to terms with my sexuality.
It was difficult.
But, that's all in the past. What is important now is that we are still friends.
I feel likewise. For me, I am sure I was born gay. I believe my internal conflicts and struggles before coming out at age 30 was largely due to my inability to understand and accept my behaviour and views of men as it contradicted what I was programmed to believe since birth. Nonetheless, when my best friend (bs) said he respected my `personal choice', I did not see the need to debate on these 2 words. Personally, I think he will probably not be able to fully comprehend it too (he is straight and is married with 2 kids).
I also believe my coming out to him must have been as traumatic for him - considering that his very close (if not, the closest) friend come out to him after 19 years. I could sense this in his email cos for the very first time, he spelt my name wrongly. Call me drama if you wish but I could sense his hands trembling while he typed the very carefuly worded email. Let it be. Let things cool down. Let him come to terms with my being gay first. Let us establish the new balance in our friendship and overcome the awkwardness in our interactions before I start talking about sexuality issues.
I guess he will never fully understand my feelings towards him. We were so close back then during our NSF days in 1986/7. We were in different Coys, but whenever possible, we would do everything together. Spent whatever free time we had together. Chat on the phone whenever we were apart (we did not have mobile phones then, and we had to carry so many 10cent coins to call each other on coinphones), etc. We would spent our weekends together, shopping, watching movies or just sitting by the marina bay chatting through the night. And we knew exactly where and when to meet when we say let's meet later - same place, same time. It's always 6.30pm at the wisma atria clock (back then there was a clock outside wisma atria). We were just so bloody close. So much so that many of our camp mates thought we were boyfriends (considering all my camp mates are straight and that the concept of gay was not very well known or accepted back then).
Reflecting it was really beyond just male-bonding. But it seemed so natural for us.The closeness led to the feeling of terrible pains when we parted our ways. With my encouragement, he went overseas to further his studies. The joys of writing and recieving letters and postcards (back then, we had no emails) to and from each other every day for more than 2 years; the joys of seeing him graduate and return; and again, the pains of him leaving me to work and eventually his migration to the States. And during that whole period, I kept close contact with his family, visited them and gave tuition to his brother. To me, they were also my famiy.Between us, there was nothing we do not speak to each other about. But some things we avoided. These included anything related to sex, relationships and religion.
He'll probably never understand how I felt when he came back from States one day and asked me to be his bestman for his wedding. I did not even know he had a girlfriend. He did not tell me. I guessed he felt awkward asking too cos we'd never spoken abt his girlfriend and he did not know how I'd react. But I helped. I got to meet his girlfriend. Internally, I hated her. But I have since learned to accept her. She is now a dear friend too. I helped co-ord his wedding. Helped decorate the church. Be his bestman. Be his driver. Took care of his family. Took care of everything for him.
For me, it was extra awkward for I did not understand why I had felt that way. I had not even come to terms with my sexuality.
It was difficult.
But, that's all in the past. What is important now is that we are still friends.
6 comments:
i think i have addicted to read your blogs. hi. i'm your silent reader, steve.
thanks steve for reading. it is my way of capturing my thoughts and experiences in life. glad you enjoyed reading them.
:-)
WOw, what a story. yours is definitely more "attached" in a way than mine, 19 years? Wow...how did u manage not to fall for someone that close that long?
I guess it's true some people are just oblivious. But how close can friends get? It's surprising to see him and you exchanging letters and postcards everyday???
I mean even in the internet era, I don't even communicate that much anymore with my past close friends, boy or girl. Close gay friends maybe, but close friends in general....
Maybe he went through a phase, or maybe he's just an oblivious straight. Or maybe our minds playing trick on us.
I guess I'm luck in a way that my closest buddy whom I spent most of my time with till today is also, gay. I guess serendipity and friendship somehow find its way around our lives.
It must have been a torture inside when you guys are that close in degree; like same time same place; close to partners but just not there yet. Gosh I can't imagine your struggle! Even now when I'm getting closer to some of the straight friends I will need to be extra careful to not fall or be "enchanted" unknowingly, let alone your kind of friendship uptill, 19 years and up to marriage.
What matters most is yes, that you are still friends. To some point, I can't see myself living with my current life and circle of straight buds letting them know I am engaging with another dude.
May you be well and happy always~
Hello Jeff,
Thank you for sharing yr experiences with us and I had enjoyed reading it, from yr to yr since last week.
Like you, I had a very close sec sch. We were closer in our poly days despite of different poly / courses. We meet almost every weekend, watch movies, shopping, enjoyed the songs of the same singer. We will go to each other house often and I know his parents well.
Often he will get me the right birthday gifts and me, the "sotong" one get him the wrong gifts (esp his 21st birthday gift) n till now' occasionally get "suan" by him till now.
We meet almost every weekend during our NS days, with our sec sch mates too. We enjoyed the company as a whole; being the both of us; coordinating the outings for many yrs till our late 30s.
He went overseas for his studies. I was devesated. I lost a soul mate. I nearly cried at the airport; but hold back cos his family and our close friends were there.
We continued to chat over the phone cos it was cheaper for him to call. We will ICQ often. I will send CDs to him.
I sub him a cc as I have started working. We were very close.
Once, I had an issue at work (i was 24), and could not mx the situation; took urgent AL, cried and told him im flying over that night. I brought a almost empty suitcase and shopped there. Bought many country rd clothing, 1st Kylie CD and checked in almost 30 kg of suitcase.
The week spend with him was one of my most memorable with him. He gave me postive vibes as I had a downfall at work, ready to break my bond. He was my soulmate, and im a "open bk" to him.
Then one day, we had desert at this hotel. He came out as a gay to me. I was chocked with food. I failed as a friend ; close buddy. He went into depression on PSY meds. I was devastated on my way home. Not cos hes gay, but i failed to realise his emotional needs despite we called each other often.
He flew back for his 3rd yr. We continued to remain buddies.
However we started to drift apart in our 30s, with different lifestyles. I wished I could be there with him during his low moments. But he knows im the emo type. I cried when he told me that he broke up with 1 of his ex and was drinking the whole night. I feel him, and someone Im upset that I was not his choice of confidant any more.
He read my mind and told me that cos I cant drink. WTF. I told him I can be there for him. He push me away. Unsure if he had any thoughts abt me as he told me once that .......
We re friends, like you and Peter. But somehow, its different. I treasure him, my encounters wit him for the past 23 yrs.
Till now, I will play the songs we once like; and browse our photos. Tears flowed. I pin for the past; but it will never be the same again. I know I ought to move on. But i have feelings after all. Both of us even talk abt death and how we want our funerals to be done in our mid 20s.
I feel you, Jeff. Thank you for sharing once again.
kind regards
kg
Thanks for your heart felt sharing Kg.
These are moments and memories that shaped my life and I believe your similar experiences would have done the same too. There’s always a struggle but end of the day, it’s good to be able to move along in life and find happiness in the moments.
Much appreciated your sharing.
:-)
Jeffrey
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