Resignation approved

My resignation has finally been approved. 

A new beginning awaits!

Sick

I’m not sure if it’s anything to do with the fact that I resigned, or that the planning team of the regional summit finally departed for Bangkok, but I came down with a superbly nasty flu almost immediately after that. Took an MC yesterday and slept for almost a solid 24hours after that…

Heavy head, fever, sore throat, lost my voice, terrible cough and the whole works. Otherwise, my ART was negative. I think I’ll have to do my COVID-19 booster soon, it’s been almost a year.

PS: I was, with less than 2 months, tasked to organise a regional summit. And this was a third time this year, being tasked to organise something major at the last minute - just because they trust I can deliver. Despite my protest given my preoccupations with many other pressing tasks, my (now) immediate boss, gave me no choice and literally forced it onto me. I did it very unwillingly cos the team that was supposed to organise it, didn’t act on it until it was too late and I was roped in as “I had done a good job before”. It’s probably my record to organise a regional summit within 2 months. So, enough is enough.

8th Anniversary

 It’s my mum’s 8th death anniversary today.

Tendered

I tendered my resignation today.

I Failed

I did not make it for the certification. In another word, I failed. 

I must admit I felt disappointed. Failing is not something I experience very often. The next thing that went through my mind was - how do I even break this news to the rest of my colleagues? Then again, screw it, it is not something that defines me and I should not be embarrassed about it. It is just a small blip and probably not something I should be surprise, considering employment act and legislation is not something I have to manage on a daily basis as I am a specialist and not a generalist. But whatever it is, it simply reflect the level of unpreparedness and that I have to accept it. It is just a little sour aftertaste for me as I had wanted this to be my swan song before I leave the industry. But I supposed it is not to be. I have written in to ask how I can take a reassessment. 

Until then, let's just move along. 

Certification

I attended my professional certification exams last Thursday.

It was really intense - one that had me walking out feeling dazed and wondering wtf I had just gone through. The exams consisted of 2 papers. The first comprised 30 MCQs that assesses ones’ understanding and applications of local employment laws and legislations. One need to score 50% to pass this paper. The second paper was scenario-based. Four scenarios were provided based on the context of a start up, an SME, an MNC and a government statutory board. Against these background, 8 MCQ questions were asked per scenario that requires the individual, in the capacity of the CHRO, to address specific HR-related issues. Thing is, all answers are logical and right but depending on the context, some answers are more appropriate than the others. So it is almost impossible to know whether one had selected the right answer. And the passing mark for the second paper is 70%! 

Anyway, let's just wait for the results to be announced. It will be a 3-week wait. So, let's see if I passed.

:-)

Slight regrets

Decline…

White Canvas

I had a dream this morning.

In my dream, there were unfamiliar people - and there was someone with a fully tattooed leg. The space I existed in in my dream was white. So white I was almost blinded by it. I was holding on to a canvas board. The kinda board where one would expect lots of scribbles and doodles. But the one I was holding on to was blank. Pure white. Other than this, I cannot recall much about the dream.

It’s the kinda dream that leaves you wondering wtf did I just dream of when you wake up. But yeah, reflecting, I supposed it reflected the anxieties behind my intention to resign. I have a date in my head as to when I should do it and it’s within weeks. Apart from that, I have no plans whatsoever with regards what I should do, where I should go or, for that matter, how I should unfold this next chapter of mine.

Maybe that’s the white board I was holding.

Let’s see…

Being Selfless

I took a pause when I typed the title. I wondered if it would be more apt to title this post “Being Selfish”. Anyway…

I must say I have often asked if I should be more selfish in how I conduct my life. Have often been taken for granted in life - both professionally and personally - and it felt shitty. And during such moments, thoughts like - I care for this or that, but who’s there to care for me? Where’s the reciprocal engagement when I need it? Or, you can add more and more things onto my plate because I can deliver, but where is the tangible recognition when it is due? Perhaps such moments hit hard when you feel down. And it also comes with the realization that there are unstated expectations of some form of gratifications, or even a simple acknowledgment/ thank you. That is not too much to ask, right? 

I am human; and there is a limit to how much I can give, before I breakdown.

Words & Questions

When uttering words, be very careful. Words can heal and words can kill. Sometimes, asking questions can be a better start to a conversation.

When asking questions, be extra careful. Questions with implied answers can damage relationships. Examples of such questions include - do you expect me to…

Interesting Turn of Events

I almost terminate my employment two weeks back. But I held back as I didn't want to take that action when I was so emotional. I will probably not go into the details of why I was emotional but suffice to say I felt taken for granted when I was asked to undertake the planning of a major regional event as the person who was tasked to do it sat on it till it was too late and my chief conveniently tasked it to me as "I had the experience of planning it and I can do so again". To top it off, my reporting manager didn't support me despite me calling out that it would be too stretch for me as I was heavily involved in another major project. 

And last week, my reporting manager informed me that come 1 Oct, there will be a department reorg and I will be reporting to the guy who sat on the project. With this announcement, it is even more difficult for me to terminate my service. Doing so would to send a wrong message that my termination of service is because of him. It would make the whole thing too personal. Regardless, I will definitely want to leave the company very soon. If I do not do so soon, I will never ever move away from my comfort zone and this will slow down my transition process. I just need to bite the bullet, suffer the financial setback for the immediate short term and rebuild my career again. At age 57, it is definitely risky but I supposed water will always find its own level eventually. 

I just need to start the process.

Sick

I’ve never experience a flu so bad I was given a total of 3 days MC and 2 weeks of antibiotics, cold tablets, cough mixture, etc. Had initially thought it was Covid but it wasn’t. 

It all started 2 Thursdays ago when I felt a little oozy. And on Friday, the flu got bad. I had assumed I would be able to recover over the weekend, but no, it gotten even worst on Sunday and I went to see my family physician. I was given an MC on Monday, but I was still totally bad when I returned to work on Tuesday. The company doctor gave me an additional 2 days MC and a whole lot of medications - cold tabs, cough syrup, antibiotics, something to dissolve my phlegm, etc… the condition didn’t improve… 

I lost my voice, had superbly bad congestion, and couldn’t speak without breaking into violent cough. This was one week out since the flu started. Went back to the doctor and was given another bag of medications, this time round she increased the dosage and added a few other stronger medication including nasal spray, steroids, etc. She jokingly said what I have is akin to bronchitis and if the condition doesn’t improve, she will have to send me for further checks and x-ray…

Sighs. 

Postponed to Sep

Had previously signed up for my professional certification end-Aug but felt it was too rush and have since postponed it to end-Sep. Gonna get back to mugging! 

:-)

Completed ACLP2.0

I have finally completed my module 3 and with this, I have fulfilled the full requirements of ACLP2.0! Here’re some key reflections of my 4-month journey:

• The course content itself was not difficult tbh. But I felt the course design was a tat too skewed towards formal instructions. Given current industry shift towards workplace learning, I thought it would be more effective if more hours could be allocated to workplace learning.

• My biggest takeaway from the course was the people. The instructors were warm and made good efforts to help us through the course. And my coursemates were a bunch of really nice people. They were really supportive and fun to be with. I must confessed that I was more energised when I was attending class compared to when I go to work. 

• Also, several of the instructors in the institute were ex-military persons whom I know. They had left the forces some time back and have established themselves well in the adult training field. Blessed to reconnect with them and they gave me good suggestions with regards how to transition out of corporate life.

Looking forward to planning for my transition.

Completed Module 2

I’ve completed my Module 2. One more to go before I head off for my break and then to prepare for my certification that will take place end of Aug! 

Pant pant!

:-)

Forgetfulness

For the first time, I forgot to turn off the flame when I made hard boiled egg today… 

Certification

Had signed up for a professional certification in HR. Exams projected end-Aug 23. Hope I can make it. Otherwise, will have to postpone to a later date.

Completed Module 1

I had completed my first module and am well into my second module. Looking forward to complete the whole course by mid-Aug 23.

Why have I not resigned...

I am totally not motivated at work. The reasons range from me having absolutely no chemistry with my immediate boss, being disillusioned with the leadership team, and feeling overwhelmed with work. These led to me feeling unappreciated, and disengaged. There were days where I totally didn't want to go to work. And this is probably why I have been feeling exhausted and prone to falling sick these days. But despite the strong desire to move on, I am still working becos I want to:

• Complete the course I am currently attending first (by Aug 23)
• Settle my new hire in properly (possibly by Oct 23? Nov 23?)
• Stretch my current salary for as long as I can...

So for as long as I am still in my current company, I will continue to be professional and do what I need to do. And while at it, I hope to be able to do:

• Establish a new stream of steady income
• Establish a network of professional contacts

To be really honest, stretching my current salary for as long as I can is not realistic as I need to devote energies to the latter 2. It would be wearing me too thin if I were to do them while working. And even as I am writing this, it is clear to me that I have been circling around and around the whole idea of financial stability. And this, I reckoned, is based on the assumption that I will be a lot worst off once I lost my current source of income. Perhaps I am just too risk averse and have made unjustified assumptions that I will not be able to earn a reasonable income to sustain after I resign. Maybe...

I think should take a leap of faith and just resign when the time comes. 

And that time is Oct 23? Nov 23? 

Interesting month...

This last few weeks were rather interesting. I literally see the major milestones of life happening almost altogether at once.

I welcomed the arrival of a newborn boy yesterday - that of a friend who had acknowledged me as his godfather. I visited the couple at the hospital and it felt really good to be able to welcome a newborn into this world - all the more so when this baby is as good as my god-grandchild. It was also really interesting to see them learn how to handle a newborn baby. I also got invited to a wedding of a cousin's son (my nephew). I had seen how this nephew of mine grow up and now he is getting married! Time really flies. And lastly, five deaths happened - my ex-boss's mother, my aunt, my old neighbour's mother, ex-army mate's father and a distant cousin. All these happened almost back-to-back. Certainly not the best news to receive especially when it was news of a relative and a close neighbour who had watched my grow up. But it was good to be able to catch up with old connections. Just wished it was for better reasons. 

I supposed I am at the stage in life where I will get to experience a lot of such life's celebrations. More to come in the very near future I'm sure. 

Preparing for career transition

I am currently into the third week of a course on adult learning. The certificate I will obtain upon graduation will contribute to my journey as a trainer in the Singapore training landscape. Been quite refreshing so far interacting with my course mates who are all younger than me and come from different industries. Am almost completing my first module. Two more to go and I should complete the course early Aug 23.

Looking forward to completing this first milestone in my career transition journey.

Energizing chat

I had a most energising chat with my ex-CHRO from my previous company yesterday. I had kept in contact with her over the last decade and we have become good friends. Through the many years, she had given me invaluable advice with regards my career, and this time round was no exception. And so, over afternoon tea yesterday, I shared about the key developments over the last 8 months or so - my counseling sessions, my relationship with my boss, work environment, colleagues, etc. She, in turn, shared with me her perspectives about the situation. Here're the long and short of her sharing:

• Since I already know what I want, I should just spearhead forward and focus on building for the future. Take the courses I want to take, and don't waste my energies trying to be too safe in wanting to hold on to a job that is dragging me down, not withstanding the fact that it is paying me quite decently. Objectively and realistically, I will experience a period of uncertain renumeration, but in the long run, things will stabilise and I should be able to reach a new equilibrium - one that will be able to see me through beyond my retirement age.

• From her observations of me and my work attitudes, it would be, in her opinion, very difficult for me to divide my energies on 2 major fronts at the same time. She rightfully pointed out that I have always been the type of person who would focus all my energies to get what I want done, and do it well. And so, by trying to hold on to a job while concurrently juggling my energies to prepare myself for my next phase of my career, I might end up not being effective in both. And for that, I would be doing myself a disservice.

• As for my boss, her take is that I have achieved so much things in my professional life and I am far more qualified and abled than what I had deemed myself to be. As such, I should not put myself through all the nonsense that my boss is subjecting me to - trying to box me into a role that is way below what I am capable of. She reminded me that by doing so, I may end up doubting my own abilities without realizing it and become demoralised, and that was how I ended up needing to go through counseling.

But she acknowledged and respected the fact that I am very much the product of the Singaporean system and tend to be more risk adverse and am very careful in my decision-making. Nonetheless, she is of the opinion that at my age (we are about the same age), I should seriously consider going ahead and jump head on with my next phase in my career choice. I do thank her for very candid and upfront sharing. 

It was a good reminder... 

A wake up call

Two weeks ago, I experienced frequent bouts of breathlessness. For some weird reasons, I couldn't breathe and had to take very deep breaths. And despite that, I couldn't seemed to get my lungs filled and I ended up gasping for breath - not dissimilar to how a fish would struggle when it is out of water.

These experiences troubled me enough to make me seek medical help. I visited my company doctor who, in turn, referred me to my cardiologist and they both put me through a series of tests. The tests included a blood test, x-ray, ecg, ultrasound of the heart, etc... as they wanted to ascertain if my breathlessness was due to a recurrence of asthma, or something more dangerous - that of a heart failure or some lung issue. Thankfully, the test results turn out fine - my heart was ok, and so was the lungs. But the blood test showed some abnormality - my white blood cell count was a tat lower than what it should have been. The doctors concluded that I could possibly have an internal viral infection that would clear after a couple of days but otherwise, there was nothing that I should be too concerned about. 

Admittedly, going through the tests and hearing the cardiologist explaining about the possibility of a heart failure, or lung issues, etc made me realise how close I was to having a life threatening situation. I never felt so vulnerable until then and it made me to sit up and rethink about life...

Living with COVID

It's interesting to see how people respond to the latest spike in COVID cases. I see governments in the region advising their people to wear masks to protect themselves, avoid crowded places, etc. 

But what is interesting is that the Singapore government is simply telling us to make sure our vaccinations is current, and that we should just go on with life and be socially responsible as we do so. This includes maintaining good personal hygiene, don a mask if we are unwell, do our ART before interacting with elders and people whose immunity are compromised, and so on. Of cos, there is a caveat - should the capacities of public health facilities be overwhelmed, public safe measures like restricting crowds might be done. Otherwise, we should learn to live with the virus and just go on with our lives as normally as possible. This, I believe, is the right approach.

We must accept that the virus is not going away anytime soon, will continue to mutate and more of us will get re-infected as we live with the virus. Objectively, getting reinfected may not necessary be a bad thing. It helps our immunity get updated with the latest strain of the virus. And the next time when a new, and possibly, a more lethal strain appears, we will be better protected. As for why regional governments are asking their citizens to don the masks and minimise going out, I can only suspect their vaccinated/ boosted rate is a lot a lot lower than Singapore and many may have lost their immunity to the virus.

Well, whatever the case, please keep well, keep calm and…

Live on.

Embarrassed

Lately, I reconnected with some long time friends and learned about things that made me feel bad and embarrassed.

What they shared was consistent - it’s about things my ex did - from borrowing large amounts of money and not repaying, to cheating, to lying to gain favours, etc. One of them had even gotten into troubles because of this. And despite him not repaying or creating troubles for them, they have kept quiet about it cos they didn’t want to embarrass me.

What made me felt bad was that they entertained him because of me. And they have not spoken about it until now. It’s been some time and they have acknowledged their misjudgment and accepted that they will probably not get their monies back.

Sighs.

Time waits for no man

I went to see my family doctor this morning. Had visited this doctor since 5 years old and understood from my mum he operated on me when they discovered a growth on my neck. It’s been almost 52 years.

The doctor is now in his 80s and in recent years, his son (who is also a general practitioner) has taken more responsibilities treating patients at the clinic. As a patient, it is not my habit to ask after the doctor’s  health and I’ve never done so in my life. But today, seeing this old, weak and feeble doctor, I couldn’t help but asked him how he has been and if his health is ok. It must have surprised him for his face lit up a little as he explained that he had had a fall 3 months ago. The fall left him with a broken humerus and till today, has not fully recovered. I also noted he now walks unsteadily. I asked him to take care of himself before leaving the consultation room.

We may have a patient-doctor relationship but this man is one whom I have deep respects for. He has been a very caring person who, in the years passed, went beyond his call of duty to attend to the community and many spoke fondly of him. He has at times refused payment especially for people who were struggling financially. Over the years I have established a form of relationship that’s hard to explain. He knows my whole family and often asked about them. Anyway, I wished him well and left. I couldn’t help but wonder if I will ever get to see him again if and when I fall sick next. 

We all walk the same passage of time and I acknowledge the mortality of everyone. His time is not too far given his advanced age. One day, my time will come too. Birth, aging, sickness and death - all inevitable fact and passage of life that all of us have to go through. 

I wish him well, I really do.

It's mid-Feb 23

It's already mid-Feb 23. Time passes very quickly these days. Maybe it’s an age thing. Here's a run down of my last month:

• Hong Kong came and went. I was glad I insisted on the trip. HK had just done away with quarantine and regular tests, and was on the verge of opening fully to China. So the trip, that occurred during the first week of Lunar New Year, wasn't too packed with PRCs. The weather, at 10 - 20C, was perfect for hikes. We hiked the Lantau Peak and the Lion Rock. We encountered more foreigners as we climbed higher (seemed to be the same everywhere). We also managed to walk around Mongkok, TST, Causeway Bay, visited temples, and enjoyed the local foods. It was a really lovely trip.

• Family featured significantly over the last few weeks. The highlight was my second niece's wedding. I was surprised to get her invite last year, as I wasn't invited to her sister's wedding 8 years back. It reflected the improved relationship between my eldest sis and I. At the church, I was that proud uncle who watched my niece take her vows. I asked my eldest if I would be involved in the tea ceremony. She said - of course, you are the uncle and have a very high status. And so for the very first time, I had the honour of being served tea by my niece and her husband. To top it off, my grand-nephew (my eldest niece's son, who was already 5 years old) chatted with me and called me ku-kong (maternal grand uncle). It felt really good.

• I joined my paternal aunts and cousins for their annual Lunar New Year steamboat dinner. I do not  always look forward to such gatherings, but I will make it a point to attend reunion dinners. I am not sure if it is an ominous sign but for the first time this year, my elderly (second) uncle didn't attend the dinner. Also, I noted that my (eldest) aunt had started to show signs of water retention in her legs. It reminded me of my mum in her final months. I hope I am wrong, but I fear the worst to come in the coming year. 

• I cancelled my counselling sessions and the appointment with the mental health specialist. I know perfectly well the issues behind my transition anxiety and what I must do about it. Admittedly, work was a key reason. Apart from talking to my boss, a clear course of action was to leave my company. These are things that need time to plan. And I didn't want to feel pressured into taking actions if I were to visit the specialist/ counsellors. I also think my anxiety was made worst by my tendency to overthink issues. I need to learn to manage myself.

• Work has stabilised - for now. And with this, the anxiety had eased off. But the thought of moving on remained. I chatted with some colleagues who was serving their notice. They shared that progression, promotions, etc motivated them to move on. For me objectively, I am at the stage of my life where I do not want to invest more energies to restart myself in another senior corporate role. It is too draining. And I want to focus on preparing for retirement. So for now, I want to stretch my current employment for as long as I can as I prepare myself for my transition. 

• I recently caught up with a long time friend. He was retrenched late last year and had chosen to retire. Since then, he had been keeping busy with traveling and enjoying his life. I had known him since we were 14 years old and had grown up (and old) with him. Our lives couldn't be more different. For one, he has amassed enough resources to ensure his wife and children are all well-provided for for their current and next life if he were to pass away now (so he claimed). I do not think I will ever retire the way he did. I just do not have the resources to do so, and even if I do, I will still want to work. In our earlier years, we work for the money. In our more mature years, we work to keep ourselves mentally engaged. 

• And oh, I have some days of leave to clear before end-Mar and I have just booked another trip to HK. So yeah, come mid-Mar I will be in HK for a good 5 days. Going away is what I want to do and I do have several key considerations when planning trips. For short 3-5 day trips, I would prefer places I am familiar with, not too expensive, and importantly, weather must be cooling as far as possible. I want to be very focused - fly, land, enjoy... don't sweat over stuff like - having to learn the local transport system, navigate the people and place, etc. So, yeah, HK is it. Again. Haha!

I look forward to Mar 23. 

A slow but good start to 2023

This is my first actual post of 2023 and I want to call out some of the positives. They include:

• Will be making a trip to Hong Kong this coming CNY week. I really felt the itch to go overseas. Will spend 5 days there and we have made plans to climb the Lantau Peak. I am uncertain if I can still make it up the 934m peak but I’ll try. To give myself peace of mind, I included existing illness in my travel insurance in case I get any heart complications during the trip. Wish me luck. 

• Went for my cardio check up last week. It so happened that I had some stabbing chest pains lately and the cardiologist decided to put me on the treadmill after I told him of my impending trip. Despite missing a couple of heartbeats, I managed to continue running for 12min. This was 1min more compared to last years’ test. So, I passed the test and he cleared me for the trip!

• Spent some good time with a long time friend who returned from the States with his family late-Dec 22. During his 2-weeks here, I managed to meet up with him twice - once in a group setting with our fellow army friends and again with him alone for lunch. Despite the short duration of the meet ups, it felt good to be able to catch up face-to-face after 4 years. All too soon, he had to return home to San Jose, CA. 

• Went for 2 sessions of counseling in mid-Jan to help me manage my transition anxiety. One session was with the medical social worker and the other with a professional counsellor. The sessions were arranged to let me to experience the difference in the 2. I thought the private counsellor did a much better job. Objectively, I actually know what the issues were and what I needed to do. Nonetheless, the counseling sessions gave me an outlet to vent.

• On the work front, the boss went on an extended vacation. Together with the year end/ new year breaks, things at work were so much less stressful. And for the first time in the last 6-7 years, I was almost not involved in the annual planning exercise. As a result, much of my transition anxieties eased off. Let’s hope it stays this way.

Ok, those were some of the highlights over the last couple of weeks. 2023 started off relatively slow for all of us, given the extended holiday feel since last Christmas. Looking forward to my HK trip. Things will likely pick up after that. Happy Lunar New Year to all!

:-)

2023 - My Focus

Here's consolidated list of what I want to focus on in 2023:

• Keep healthy and well
• Travel
• Seek better workplace conditions
• Play my role well
• Value people who trust me
• Create a better home environment

Let's go!

2022 - Contrast

I had reflected much mid-2022 and I will simply adapt from/ add on to the mid-year post. 2022 was a year where we slowly came to terms with life post-pandemic - a life that was somewhat similar to pre-COVID days but with many changes in the way we perceive things, and conduct our lives. Let's take a look at my 2022:

Health & Well-being

I wanted to focus on my health and well-being in 2022. Other than the COVID-19 infection in Jan 22 and the effects I continued to experience, my health remained relatively good - no relapse of kidney stones, heart remained stable, cleared my 3-/ 6-monthly health checks, got myself vaccinated & boosted, etc. I had also continued my daily walks and hikes to the central reserve areas. My mental well-being took centre stage this year. I took a 6-month sabbatical from Apr - Sep to get away from the workplace. Apart from giving myself the time and space to consolidate my life and finances, catch up with many friends, and travel, I was also able to rekindle quite a few hobbies such as macrame, crochet, and gardening. I also managed to travel out of country - something that I couldn't do during the pandemic. I went back to work in Oct 22, optimistic of the new role I would assume. The sabbatical did wonders to address the burn out I suffered. However, given the many changes at the workplace, the positive effects wore out very quickly. I ended the year with transition anxiety disorder. Despite the less than rosy end to the year, I thought I had handled my health and well-being relatively well in 2022 - the sabbatical, the continued walks, the stable health overall, etc. For 2023, I will continue to work hard on my health and well-being. 

Travels

The world gradually opened up in 2022. It was exciting to be able to travel again after being trapped on this tiny island for so many months. My first trip was to Malaysia in Feb 22. It was somewhat a blessing in disguise that I had COVID the month before for it allowed me to be exempted from some of the tests etc that were imposed both in Malaysia and Singapore. Since then, I had done 5 - 6 trips up north - including twice where I drove all the way up to Penang! Objectively, I'd prefer to head off to cold countries for holidays but that would mean having to pay for the airfares etc. So the next best alternative was to take trips to Malaysia as it has this 1970/ 80-easy going vibes that contrasts starkly with Singapore's ultra-modern and somewhat clinical and boring feel. The highlight of my travels was the trip in Jul/ Aug 22 where my partner and I spent a good 16 days in Scotland/ England. It was the longest trip for me in over 2-decades and we managed to cover many places that I had wanted to visit since my childhood days. The cold weather was a welcome change compared to the warm and humid Singapore! These trip contributed significantly to my health and mental well-being. For 2023, I will continue travelling!

Work-Life

Work happened in the first and last quarters of 2022. In between, I went on a 6-month work break to address my burn out (following a very difficult 2021) and to get the performance bonus I so deserved. During the sabbatical, I was able to spend good time by myself and achieved much things. I felt much energised after the sabbatical. Regrettably, whatever positive effects I got from the sabbatical dissipated within a month or two after I returned to work. Without going too much details, let’s just say I have a boss whose promises of resources and support were nothing but lip service. I now have a lot of work but no one to help me. It didn't help that the office I returned to was relatively foreign-feeling with a lot of new colleagues and processes. It's not a good place to end the year with. This was one major factor that contributed to my transition anxiety disorder. Unless things improve, I will have to rethink the way ahead professionally and possibly make some hard decisions in 2023. Let's cross the bridge when the time comes. For 2023, I will seek better workplace conditions for myself.

Me & My Family

I had much time to catch up with myself over the course of the year. This was due to the extended periods of times when my partner returned to his home country and during my sabbatical where I spend most of the day to myself. But I was not lonely. I was able to catch up with my hobbies, reflect on and consolidate my life, and catch up with many colleagues and friends, etc. It was certainly most energising. Life with my partner had its ups and downs but on the whole, it was stable. He changed his job towards the end of the year and together with my returning to work, there was quite a major shift in our routines. I supposed this also contributed to the transition stress for me. On the family-front, my relationship with my eldest sis improved. There were more contacts and I made a visit to her place mid-year. Her second daughter (my niece) had also invited me to her upcoming wedding end-Jan 2023. Other than that, things with my second sis and the extended family (my paternal aunts/ uncle) were as normal as it could possibly be. There were the usually meals, visitations, sharing of home cooked food, etc. But one thing was clear, with each passing year, everyone of us are getting on with age. My aunts/ uncle are in their 70s/ 80s. My eldest sis is also down with some health issues. I wish them health and that they will live for many more years. For 2023, I will continue playing my role - as a partner, brother, cousin, nephew, uncle, or for that matter, granduncle - well.

My Friends

I was more selective with who I wanted to spent time with. Life is too short to give my energies to people whom I feel did not trust me. This sentence described my attitudes towards my friends in 2022. It was not usual for me - a person who would usually go all out for my friends - to be like this. But that was how I was. Two groups of friends made an impact on me in 2022 - my long time friends, and my tigerair (and one scoot) friends. Amongst my long time friends, one of them retired towards the end of 2022. Frankly, I felt somewhat jealous that he could do so so comfortably (given the very positive financial position of his). I do not think I will ever be like him. But I was really happy for him. Another long time friend is Jeremy - my unofficial “tee” aka little brother. 2022 was a stressful year for him - challenges at work, changed job, and amidst these changes, he moved house. Not easy for both him and his wife Margaret. I didn’t think I helped much, but was glad he kept me in the know. I was glad to see his career picking up again and things ending smoothly for them by year end. My tigerair (and one scoot) friends were the ones I hanged out with most through the year. A few from the group have drifted (as to be expected, by choice or otherwise) but on the whole, I was thankful for their friendship and presence. Most of them are in their 30s and at this age, getting partnered, pregnant, miscarriage, give birth, death of family members, etc were the order of the day through the year. For a gay person like me, friends like these are the closest I can ever get to in lieu of a proper family of my own and their respective life journeys, and ups and downs shaped much of my 2022 experiences. For 2023, I will continue valuing people who trust me and build on the friendship.

My Physical Environment

I have specially dedicated a paragraph to my physical environment. Physical environment plays a significant part in shaping our daily experiences and contributes directly to our well-being. Firstly, home. I decided to finally give my home a facelift. It was something that I had procrastinated for the longest time. So just before I started my sabbatical, I got a contractor to repaint the house, the doors and polished the parquet flooring. I went on to install shelves in my utility area, digital lock for the main door, changed the living room furniture, bought a Chinese table lamp, and organised a small garden at my balcony! It's really nice these days to get visits by birds, butterflies, and an occasional bees. It's nice to be able to live in an environment that is physically pleasing to the senses. Regrettably, I cannot say the same for my workplace. In my new role, I am not longer based in the Raffles Place. Instead, I now work from the headquarters in an open office that comprise close to a hundred other colleagues. Will need time to get use to such work environment. There is not much I can change for my work environment but for 2023, I will make sure my home environment continues to be as homely as it can possibly be!

2022 was a year of contrast. I will probably feel the impact of 2022 well into 2023. It could possibly mark the start of my transition to an eventual retirement. With Lunar New Year round the corner, I have noted many Chinese zodiac predictions about an upswing in luck for persons born in my year (year of the horse). Well, I am not a superstitious person and don't really believe in predictions. But I supposed there is nothing wrong in hoping for the best. 

Happy 2023!

:-)

Bivalent Booster

I had my 5th shot last week. It was a Moderna bivalent booster. Some people I spoke to wondered in amazement that I had bothered to keep up with the series of booster shots. To me, the logic is simple - it is for my own protection and at my age, I am probably more susceptible to serious illness if I catch the virus. So, if I do not look after myself, who will. Right?

Talking about this, I do have a cousin who spams me daily with non-stop whatsapp messages with links to rumble.com. She is totally against vaccination and from her whatsapps, I can only conclude that she believes there is a conspiracy/ bigger evil force out there that is trying to kill people, or cheat people or… whatever. I simply block her from my whatsapp.

To each his/ her own I guess.

Peacefully

I think of

My mum as she took her last 2 breathes
And how her body relaxes as she goes off 
Peacefully

And I smile

Restarting Again

I have started work again since 3 Oct. It's been 2 over superbly exhausting week. And it's not because I have a lot of work, but rather, I am still adjusting to the new rhythm of daily life - the new daily routines, the settling in to a whole new environment, new boss, new colleagues, etc... I think I will need a couple of weeks more to settle in.

And of cos, I have to constantly remind myself not to be too harsh on myself. Take things slow, observe the surroundings, refresh myself with the work processes and requirements, get to know people, build new relationships as I re-establish old ones. I am technically a "new" employee and I must give myself the time and space to enjoy this "honeymoon" period! 

:-)

Beard & Moustache

I shall write about my facial hair in this post. 

• I tend to suffer razor burns when I visit cold and dry countries and decided to give myself a shaving break during my recent UK trip (in end-Jul). As a result, my moustache and goatee grew. The unkempt look during the initial days didn't bother me. I was on holiday and was in the midst of strangers. After my holidays, I continued keeping it as it has grown quite nicely. 

• The last time I had a moustache was during my undergrad days. It lasted no more than a few weeks. I couldn't accept the untidy look. Most Chinese tend to be smooth naturally and need more time for our facial hair to grow. Most also have goatees and not a full beard like what you see in people of European, and Northern Indian origins.

• Why keep a moustache during my undergrad days? I wanted to do what I wouldn't/ couldn't do after I graduate. As a contract soldier on a training award, I had to return to the forces during my vacation and immediately after my final year examinations end. So I kept a little pony tail, grew a moustache, etc as a student.

• Why did I not keep a goatee back then? I supposed it was due to my military "up-bringing". In my basic military training days, we were not allowed to keep a beard unless it is for religious reasons (e.g. Sikhs). As a general rule-of-thumb to keeping neat and tidy - hair above the lips is "personal property", whereas those below is "government property".

• My hair has greyed much. I now have a head of black and grey hair (“salt & pepper”). Interestingly, there are more grey hair in my moustache and goatee. As a comparison, there are about 30-40% grey hair on my head whereas for my moustache and goatee, it 60-70%. And looking at my late-parents, I doubt I will end up with a full head of grey hair.

Ok, so much about my facial hair. People around me have seen my new look and and a couple of my gay friends have even suggested that my "market value" has increased. Well, "market value" was not on my mind when I started it. Nevertheless, I must say I do notice a couple more people (both women and men) giving me second looks. I hope it was not because I look out of place. Chinese men with goatee are a rare sight here. Then again, I was probably just a wee bit more self-conscious with this new look. 

:-P

My final trip

I will be making another trip to Malaysia before I resume my work in Oct. And similar to the trip I made in Apr (when I started my sabbatical), I will be visiting places such as KL, Penang, Ipoh, Johor Baru (JB) and possibly Melaka. This long 1200+ km drive is not something I would do normally and I half suspect is part of my feeble attempt to "stretch" my sabbatical. 

Will end my trip in JB where I will attend a wedding dinner of a friend on 1 Oct.

Back to Work

Since speaking with my HR sometime back, I have decided to head back to my company. The job that has been broadly scoped for me is rather exciting. It's a new port folio and I have the ability to shape the size of the role. I will also be required to set up my team from scratch and for a start, a new headcount has been given to me. So, yeah, will start work again in 2 weeks. Objectively, one part of me still wants to continue with this semi-retired lifestyle that I have gotten used to. But of cos, I am fully aware that I will need to re-engage socially and head back to work. And not to mention, the constant source of income and medical benefits that an employment will provide.

Queen Elizabeth II - RIP

I was saddened by the sudden passing of Queen Elizabeth II. Despite knowing it will come, it still didn't seem real when it happened. 

70 years of dedicated service - longest of any monarch in British history and a period that saw unprecedented changes in the world and to the monarchy. She was truly a remarkable person. Her passing marked the end of the Elizabethan era, an era never to be seen nor experienced again by the world. 

I have been following the royal funeral formalities in BBC daily and it felt surreal. It was not too long ago that we visited Holyroodhouse Palace (and where I marvelled at this picture depicting Her Majesty in her Scottish regalia against the Scottish countryside background), the Royal Mile, Edinburg Castle, and so on. These memories are still so vivid and fresh. 

She will be sorely missed by many. 

Please rest in peace.

Going back to work

I had a long talk with my HR over lunch 2 weeks back. She iterated how my big boss values me and that she (my big boss) looks forward to my returning. She updated me on all the changes that have happened during my absence, and the many growth areas that the department is currently focusing on. According to her, my big boss is open to letting me scope what I want to do, even if it means doing a contract role based on a 3- or 4-day work week. Thought it was interesting. 

To her request that I propose a JD for her, I have, on the other hand, told her what I don’t want to do and asked her to propose the areas they would like for me to do instead. I have also asked that she work on the basis of me returning full-time. If things do not work out, I will still be able to re-negotiate the job scope. Objectively, I need to get back to work life. I need the money and the mental engagements too, although a small part of me still wants to continue my carefree sabbatical days. 

:-)

England & Scotland

16 days... one of the longest trip I have made in recent memory! It was a refreshing trip and I must say, one of those where towards the end, you feel you have had enough and wants to return to the comforts of home, and I do add - to start work. LOL! Spent a good 16 days travelling around Scotland (Edinburgh, Inverness, Isle of Skye [lotsa places], Glasgow) and England (Manchester, Birmingham, Wareham, Bath, Brighton & London) and finally got to visit 2 places that I had read so much of but never got to visit - Inverness (home to the Loch Ness monster) and Stonehenge. 

Here're some quick call outs about the trip:

• Lovely to be able to move about without the face mask (even in public transport). We were a little apprehensive initially but decided to join the crowd eventually. We were, after all, vaccinated, boosted, and had gotten COVID before.

• Scotland was really beautiful, especially with the mountains and the lakes. It's no wonder they call it the Highlands. Lovely sceneries but the weather was a tat erratic. I really like Inverness. Its just about the right size to walk around, and people were really nice.

• Although it wasn’t planned, we got to experience the locations in Edinburg that inspired JK Rowling when she wrote the Harry Porter series. Also, by sheer coincidence, it was Peter Rabbit’s birthday when we visited his birthplace in Windermere!

• The small roads across Scotland and England were mostly single lane and narrow. It was rather stressful to drive on these roads, especially when there were many reckless drivers who chose to speed, even when the roads were wet and slippery (and I do suspect many were tourists from Europe, judging by the vehicle number plates).

• The smaller towns were really charming, with the rows of old buildings and manicured gardens - very Scottish & English indeed. We also had lots of fish & chips, haggis, pies, scones, etc... but, admittedly, at some point, we yearned Asian food!

• I had a deeper understanding of the history of Scotland and England and experienced the richness of the culture through the castles, foods, and people. And it was interesting to hear the different accents as we travelled from Scotland towards S England.

• I enjoyed the grandeur of the palaces and abbeys. The displays of chandeliers, paintings, jewelry, etc were just mind blowing. And it was just nice that our visit coincided with the Platinum Jubilee celebrations of Queen Elizabeth II.

• Stonehenge was not as big nor grand as I had expected. It was, nonetheless, a defining visit for me given how much I’ve read and heard about it since I was a kid. Walking around it and savouring the history and stories made the whole visit rather magical.

• The larger cities were really crowded, especially London. And I did notice that city people tend to be a lot ruder. People raised their voices, pushed around, gave rude stares, etc. I suspect these were tourists and they did it because they know they could get away with it. Or perhaps because we are Asian? Ok, let’s not go there…

• London is way too crowded today compared to 20 years ago. And it felt different now too. Less English, and more cosmopolitan. I suspect its the change in the profile of tourists - e.g. I visited Harrods and noted that a huge percentage of the shoppers were from the Middle East. For that matter, even the drivers of logistics trucks and taxis queuing outside Harrods looked Middle Eastern to me! Another possible reason could the the lack of PRC (Chinese) tourists given China’s current COVID travel restrictions.

• The trip would have been perfect if the weather had held up better on some days. Nonetheless, it was really nice to experience the coolness of Scotland (as low as 6C and no more than 23C). We ended the trip with a heatwave in London. It hit 34C - hot by London standards at this time of the year but tolerable to us.

I have slightly less than a month before my sabbatical ends... will do another trip up Malaysia at the end of the month! 

Upcoming Trip

It's been a long long while since I took a long trip out of the country and I am looking forward to my upcoming overseas trip this Friday! Gonna be away for slightly more than 2 weeks. Hopefully, I will not experience all the horror stories I have been reading about airport issues, delayed and/ or lost baggages, transport strikes, heat waves, etc etc etc...

Fingers crossed!

Kidney Stones

I have a history of kidney stones and will visit the urologist regularly to check on the state of my kidneys. In this post, I want to capture the outcomes of my recent visit to the urologist. You see, I had brought forward the review of my kidney stones from Sep to Jun 2022 as I had experienced a consistent pain at my back just at where my right kidney is located. Following the visit, I was scheduled to undergo a CT scan of my kidneys (and areas around it). Here's the results.

Right kidney: There was a slight increase in size of the stone since the last review (that was done 2 years ago). Otherwise, the stone had remained in the same position near the opening into the ureter and had not moved. There is an appearance of another stone. This stone is small and is located deep in the kidney. 

Left kidney: It showed the appearance of a very small stone - 1mm or less. Similar to the stone in the right kidney, it is located deep in the kidney.

The urologist concluded that the pain I had experienced was unlikely due to the kidney stones. He said that based on the size and location of the stones (particularly the 2 located deep in the kidneys), they will possibly stay there and not cause any trouble. He added that there is also a likelihood of them being flushed out given the smallness of their size. As for the larger stone in the right kidney, I can opt to get it removed if I am keen but his view is that it will likely stay put (as it had not moved) and not cause any troubles. But I do have to continue drinking lotsa water. So... yeah, everything looks good for now and I had decided to keep things as they are. 

PS: Interestingly, the pain I had experienced had disappeared too. Apart from the kidneys, the scan also showed normal stomach size, prostate gland, bladder, etc... :-)

Vax & Boosted

I started my COVID-19 vaccination programme in Apr 2021 and completed my full regimen in May 2021. My first booster shot was taken in Nov 2021 and my 2 booster shot in June this year when the second booster shot programme was opened to persons above 50 years old. I think getting such shots will, in time to come, be part of a regular routine given the need to live with the virus endemically. 

And talking about living with the virus, it's refreshingly nice to see how well and calm we have been despite the on-going COVID-19 wave of infections. It is also interesting to note that we have been able to keep this state of affairs without further tightening any preventive measures. Getting the virus these days is no longer seen nor perceived as a death sentence and many people around me have gotten the virus over the last year. 

:-)

Sabbatical - Purposelessly Purposeful

I am halfway through my sabbatical... well, tbh, I'd prefer to call it NPL - No Pay Leave. That's what it is - going on leave without pay. It was not a difficult decision to make as I wanted to take time away from work, recuperate and chart my next career moves. I am, of cos, not ruling out the possibility of going back to the same company if conditions are right. Here's my journey since my NPL on 1 Apr. 

To be honest, the first few weeks were really stressful. It was an emotional roller coaster ride and I could not wind down. On one hand, I really wanted to just do nothing, but on the other hand, I was very restless. So I kept myself occupied. I met up with friends, went shopping, did short trips up north, walked more, swam, did gardening, etc. But there was just so much of these that I can do (right?). Despite it all, I had consciously kept away from work-related meet ups and contacting colleagues although I eventually met up with my team and a couple of closer colleagues for a meal or two, catch-up over whatsapps on what's happening at work, etc. The stress eventually eased off as I learned to just enjoy my day, don't get stressed up by not being occupied with programs or not being too detailed in how I organise my day. I told myself owe myself the moments to just relax, chill and simply live life as it comes. 

Finance-wise, I was conscious I need to manage my spendings. After all, I am not getting any salary during this period. And it was not easy, especially with inflation and all - food, utilities, petrol, etc everything is easily 5 - 10% more expensive overnight. When I first started, I stopped eating at restaurants, cook more, take public transport as much as I can, etc. My lifestyle changed overnight. Thinking back, I think I swung a bit too far. Objectively, I do have some savings, and passive income but on a nett-nett basis, I still need to ensure my spendings is within the amount I have set aside to ensure longer term needs. I have since gotten a balance with regards when to hold back and when to reward myself with some luxuries. In effect, these couple of months had been a reality-check on my readiness for retirement. I am not. I need to work for a while more. But positively, I am more confident that I can take on a lower-paying job, if I want to, now.

As for my health & well-being, I am heading in the right direction. I sleep a lot a lot better these days. I hardly experience any insomnia and I am able to easily get my 7-8 hours of good night sleep. Granted that I still have all sorts of weird dreams now and then but overall, my sleep quality has improved. And with better sleep quality, all things else fall into place. I am already seeing positive signs from my body, eg how my resting heart rate has decreased from high-90s to high-70s now. On the flip side, I am having a hard time controlling my weight gains and the body aches have increased! I believe this is because of the increased exercises and walks that I am doing these days. But well... let's not get too bothered by it as long as the increase in weight is kept in check. I am starting to have uncomfortable dreams again over the last couple of days and I do believe it is due to the realisation that I am halfway through my sabbatical... hmmm...

These days, my routines revolve around very broad aims - consolidate my life within the first 3 months, review & consolidate my finances by May, review my resume by June (which I have yet to complete). I have about 3 more months to go. With my quick life audit (health, finances, self, work, etc) done, it is time to chart ahead - review my career options in Jul/ Aug, look for job in Aug/ Sep, etc. I will be taking a long overseas break end-Jul/ Aug before I end my no pay leave. So yeah, these last 3 months of deliberate pause have certainly been interesting. On the surface, it seemed like I have done nothing, but reflecting, I think I have done much... without realising it. 

:-) 

it's June 2022

What probably shaped the first half year was the gradual opening up of the country, and my sabbatical. As things open up, travels resumed, religious practises returned (I did my 3-step-1-bow again after 2 years!), routines were adjusted, etc. and with the start of my sabbatical, I have the time to do and revisit things I have never done before... let me cover a couple of aspects of my life here and I shall start off with my health and well-being, given that it is something I have wanted to focus on this year.

Health 

As a follow-up from the health scare in Dec 21, I saw the cardiologist in Jan 22 and was put through a series of tests. The cardiologist said all results were "within normal range" and that there were nothing that I should be too concerned about. Nonetheless, I noted there was a small anomaly seen in the ECG - something that I did not see in my previous ECGs. I decided that I should take things slow and not over-exert myself (especially after my burn-out experience in 2021).  Not long after, I caught COVID-19 in the last week of Jan 22. It was quite an uncomfortable period as my partner had returned to his home country. Thankfully, my sister and friends banded and supported me through the period when I was quarantined, delivering food to me. I emerged from the quarantine relatively well. I experienced a prolonged period of coughs, sore throat and sinus but these were generally not too debilitating thankfully. Apart from this, the usual body pains and aches continued to feature and these, I supposed, were part of my ageing process. I have continued with my usual daily walks to keep well and have also started swimming occasionally.

Work

I was so close to resigning late last year but had taken the advice of a colleague-turned-friend who suggested that I should take a sabbatical instead. This would allow me time to rest before I explore my professional journey ahead. To be fair to the company and my team, I continued to push through the annual planning and budgeting process and complete the annual employee appraisal before I start my sabbatical on 1 Apr. I have applied for a 6-month sabbatical and will be away from work until end-Sep 22. I needed to do this to recuperate (from my burn-out), to get away from my toxic work environment, to review my career options and to let my heart have a breather. My big boss has promised that I would be reporting to a different person when I return, and that I would assume a different port-folio. Frankly speaking, I have not decided if I should go back. In the meantime, I am just taking things slow and living a semi-retired life. Told myself I owe myself time to just chill and relax and not think about anything else. I have, since the start of my sabbatical, met up with a couple of ex-colleague-turned-friend who shared their thoughts about my career directions moving ahead (e.g. should I go back to my corporate life, or should I start all over). I greatly appreciate their views and will review my options closer to Jul/ Aug period.

Partner/ Family

My partner went back to his home country several times over the last half year. The first trip was an extended one that lasted over 2 months from end-last year to mid-Feb 22. It had been quite a while since I lived alone and for so long and, I supposed, allowed me the space to reflect on what it means to live alone (e.g. my daily routines). On hindsight, I thought that was quite a refreshing period for me. Family-wise, things are as normal as it can possibly be. The usual checking-ins, sharing of food, etc. Have also made the effort to pass the bak chang to my eldest sis - my first visit to her home since 2014 (or even longer). Other than that, I had also attempted to visit my uncle in Taiping in Feb 22, only to find the place deserted, gates lock and with overgrown weeds. I suspect my uncle might have passed on. 

Friends

Generally, been keeping in contact with friends. There have been some tensions with a couple of them (one to be exact) but generally, I have maintained contact with my circle of closer friends. The opening up of the society recently also meant there are less house visits. Gatherings these days are largely done over dinners in eateries/ restaurants. I have also made efforts to reach out to some old friends and am glad to know they are all well and good.

Home

Have done much changes to the house this year with a minor renovation done (much belated and delayed). Got the house repainted, doors repainted and the parquet fully polished, Decided against polishing the marble as many of the tiles had "popped". In addition, installed shelves to better organise the washing machine/ laundry space, digital lock for the main door, changed the living room furniture etc... so, yeah, lotsa changes to the home. Thought the outcome was really good and it felt new. This will probably last me the next few years until it is time for me to transition to public housing when I retire.

Hobbies

I have, especially since the start of my sabbatical, started revisiting some old hobbies. I have organised a small garden and have started growing plants such as Mexican mint, money plants, and some other ornamentals. The plants certainly provide a good use of my time and it's really lovely to see the plants thrive and grow. Occasionally, I will also do some handicraft (e.g. macrame) for my friends. 

Trips

I am starting to travel again with the first few trips taken to Malaysia. The first trip was in Feb 22. It was my first trip out of the country since the lock down and was an interesting one given the many additional tests, procedures, etc. The second trip occurred just when I started my sabbatical. As the land borders had opened and we could travel without pre-departure test, I decided to drive all the way to Penang and back. That was probably one of the longest drive I had taken in recent times - 1300km in total! Apart from that, I have also travelled to Johor for the weekend. Am looking forward to my extended holiday in Jul/ Aug 22 where we will be heading off to UK.

So yeah, the above kinda captured my first 6 months of 2022. It had passed by so quickly. The last 2 months were rather interesting. I didn't expect myself to feel stressed but that was how I felt - I was uneasy as I was suddenly faced with too much time at hand. I have since gotten used to it. Objectively, the sabbatical have allowed me to do almost nothing related to work and focused on myself, my home, my friends, and to reconsolidate my life (finances, insurance, etc). I have about 4 months more for my sabbatical. 

Let's see where it takes me...

bak chang 2022

I want to use this post to update my bak chang recipe. Have made changes to the recipe as an experiment this year and I thought it turned out much better than I had expected.

meat
2kg of meat (wu hua rou)
1 large packet (300g) dried shiitake mushroom (soaked overnight & sliced)
10 large onions (diced/ blend)
8-10 garlics (chopped/ blend)
250g - 300g of sweetened preserved winter melon (diced 5mm)

seasonings for meat
1 packet of coriander powder
white pepper powder (to taste)
200g of white rock sugar (about 3-4 pieces)
light soya sauce (to taste)
dark soya (to taste and to colour)
50 mil of sesame oil
50 mil of oil (vegetable)
50 mil of lard (optional)
1-2 tablespoon chicken stock concentrate (to taste)

rice
3kg of glutinous rice (soaked for 3 hours)

seasonings for rice
white pepper powder (to taste)
10 mil of sesame oil
20 mil of oil (vegetable)
10 garlics (chopped/ blended)
1.5 tablespoon salt or soya sauce (or to taste)
(can also add in some of the sauce from the frying of the meat)

others/ wrapping
120 bamboo leaves (washed in hot water and soaked at least 2-3 hours)
pandan leaves (about 7, cut 5cm long and sliced vertically) & strings

2021 - burn out

This is a belated post. I couldn't write this at the end of last year as the many things that happened left me almost non-functional (burned out). I am in a better state now, and have mustered sufficient energies and motivation to start my reflections. While this post is written on 25 May 2022, I will be posting it using the 31 Dec date to keep the post to 2021. Here's a quick look back at my 2021 in a few short paras:

Work

Work featured greatly in 2021. It started with the company seeing a change in leadership at the very top. As a result, there were many changes downstream. For me, I saw new responsibilities being tasked to me as my corporate department restructure to better support the group. On the surface, all things seemed well, but health-wise, I ended the year in a horrible place. Thinking back, I believed several key issues contributed to this.

• Firstly, the boss. I was placed under a new person and I didn't get the support I needed from this person. He is a business partner, supporting one of the business in the group and his focus has always been to support his business unit (and rightly so). As a COE (centre of excellence/ expertise) at the group-level, my focus was, and has always been, to support the group. It was very tiring to constantly have to manage a boss who consistently chose to focus squarely on supporting his business instead seeing things from the group perspective. So, conversations to the likes of "I want you to do this for my business unit..." was not uncommon. Such requirements, while not unreasonable pulled me in different directions and wore me out given the absolute lack of resources (which I will cover in my second point). Coupled with his unfamiliarity with what I do, I ended up with a boss who was only interested in what I could do for him and who couldn't and didn’t give a damn about most of the other things my department cover. He also, in my opinion, could not give proper directions when it was needed. My routine weekly catch-ups with him was one-directional - for me to share what I was doing and that's it, no further sharing about what's happening in the larger corporate department, no updates on management decisions, going ons in the group, etc. I ended up working in a vacuum, and my effectiveness as a group function was heavily impeded. 

• Secondly, resource. It was a difficult period for the business and all of us were put on a cost-cutting posture. In such a state, resources were hard, if impossible, to come by. Nonetheless, my department's port-folio was expanded to include a new function and one team (read - one person) was transferred to me. I was also tasked to build the internal communications capability for the company on top of doing more for my existing port folio. It didn't help that the person that was transferred to me resigned immediately after learning of the expanded job scope. It took me almost 6 months to hire a replacement. In the meantime, I had to re-built the whole function from scratch with one young intern. While I enjoyed the steep learning curve, the need to continue delivering the KPIs set by the previous department head (that this function previously sat with) was  superbly challenging. And instead of being supportive, the boss kept saying things like - if the previous person could do it, I do not see why you cannot do better. It didn't help that the person I eventually hired wasn't my boss’ first choice (his first choice turned down the job offer) and he kept insisting that my selection was lousy and I had to be blamed if I cannot deliver. 

• Thirdly, tasks. As I had mentioned, there was a group business restructure and a new top leadership team. Naturally, many downstream initiatives took place - review of vision, values, business value proposition, organisation structure, organisational culture, people policies and practises, programmes and activities, etc. As a result, my department was pulled in by my chief (my boss two levels up) to support/ organise many of the activities planned. It was challenging especially when many of these group-level taskings came in last minute amidst all my existing projects and new initiatives. My boss also decided that it would be best for him to not be involved (as my chief had approached me directly) but what I didn't expect was for him to keep asking me to make sure his business unit did not "lose out" - "If they have, make sure I also have. If you cannot ensure I thus, I will not agree…". So yup, that was how many conversations happened, and I had to tread conversations between him and my chief delicately.

• Lastly, context. We were all working in interesting times. While the full locked down and going virtual in 2020 gave us the opportunities to expand our initiatives to cover employees from across the group globally, 2021 saw the demand for hybrid events and this naturally came with new challenges and learnings (e.g how to balance the demands of a global audience (and the logistics of virtual events) and that of a local/ regional audiences where things were done face-to-face. It was a really tough period with lots of stakeholders to manage and with wide and varied expectations. But that was how it was. To made all these even more stressful, we had to grapple with new people at all levels - as a result of the great resignation and new hires joining - people who are not familiar with the company, culture, processes and nature of events, etc. At the more senior-level, many questioned logic and rationale (and it was hard to explain legacy practises at times). At the ground-level, many had to navigate the company via "old birds" and yours truly here got referred to by many to brief this or that new hire (even from other businesses and/ or corporate departments) on this or that process (even if it has nothing to do with me). I tried to help as I didn't think it was right to leave new hires hanging. As for my boss, he was not helpful too. To start with, he wasn't sure of what I was doing (despite telling him again and again) and his natural reaction when anyone came to him with questions (from across the group) was to refer them to me... it saps me of much energies.  

Experiencing the 4 points above together repeatedly through the year (especially in the second half) was pure hell. It was a case of existing in a bad structure with a toxic boss, and having deliver more for my existing and new port folio, yet with limited/ no additional resources, and needing to be sufficiently nimble to cater to the evolving context of environment, process and new people. It reached a point where I got totally burned out and it took a toll on my health and well-being. 

Health & Well-Being

I started the year well enough. We were in a comfortable state, having worked from home for a good while due to COVID. Personally, I think I managed to achieved a very good balance between my work as my self. I was going for my regular walks, hikes, escapes, amidst the demands of work. Work-wise, I had managed to achieve a certain level of regular routine and the department was delivering good outcomes. All these, however, came to an end in Mar 21. Much changes happened after that. The country started the vaccination drive and I got myself vaccinated in May. Things improved and the country started relaxing the COVID posture but the COVID Delta strain threw us a major curve ball and we ended up tightening our safe management measures again towards the middle/ end of the year. Such developments saw us adjusting our social and work practices and routines. The uncertainty created quite a bit of stress. I experienced many bouts of illnesses, insomnia, stress, etc... and it got worst towards the end of the year. These were symptoms similar to that of depression. Shan't write too much about it (you can google about it). Apart from being burned out at work, I ended the year with a bad stabbing chest pains and decided to head to the emergency department and was kept in the observation ward to make sure it was not something nasty. It was a wake up call.

People Around Me

We humans are superbly adaptable. We make do with what we have to keep life as normal as possible. And that was what we did in 2021. It was a year where we continued to grapple with the COVID pandemic. The world over was still in various state of locked down. And in Singapore, safe management measures were constantly being adjusted in response to the infection rates/ emergence of the new Delta strain. Amidst this context, I was glad I kept up good time with my partner and my friends. We continued to meet in groups of 2s/ 5s/ 8s (depending on the guidelines) to catch up with one another. Visiting each others homes and heading to the supermarkets became a norm. I was also able to continue the routines of commemorating major festivals, anniversaries, and keeping in touch with my relatives. So, yeah... 2021 was as mundane as it could possibly be in this front. 

2021 was like a bad dream and went by too quickly. I looked back and I seriously cannot recall too much about it except that I was totally burned out by the time it ended. I have never entertained thoughts about resigning as much as I did when 2021 ended and with my health taking a hit, the year ended with a deep resolve to give myself time off for my health and well-being in 2022.

Nurses’ station

And my view for tonight - the nurses' station…

Winter Solstice

Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Dongzhi! 

Didn't have the chance to make it as I was at work. Will probably make it this weekend. And for the occasion, we ate a bowl of ah-balling at the restaurant. 

A definite must for us on this day of the year.

Fifty five

Yesterday marked the end of my fifty-fifth year on this piece of blue watery rock. 

Birthdays are very much "another day" and a non-event for me these past years. But that was not to be for people around me. I had lunches, dinners, etc arranged for me by people closest to me. And apart from meals, my colleagues also sent me designer chocolates, soju with gold leaf flakes, and one even went to the extend to make a beautiful flower themed dessert for me! And tonight, it will be another dinner. 

Thankful for the attention and the gifts. What matters to me amidst all these treats is the fact that I get to spend time with people that matters to me. And much as birthdays are non-events, truth be told, it felt somewhat different when I woke up and saw a retirement account (RA) created for me in my CPF account. The eventual end of my employment is within sight. Time passes fast when you passed a certain age… 

Here's wishing myself healthy and happy years ahead!

:-)