就值得了爱

another one of the songs that i associate with my coming out years, my first crush... another one of those songs that i cry to...

就值得了爱
万芳

＊千里的路　若是只能　陪你风雪一程
握你的手　前尘后路　我都不问
荒凉人世　聚散离分　谁管情有多真
茫茫人海　只求拥有　真心一份
＃就值得了爱　就值得了等　就算从此你我红尘两分
我不怨缘份　我只愿你能　记住陪了你天涯的人
就不枉青春　就不枉此生　那怕水里火里一场爱恨
爱不了一生　梦不能成真　也要让痴心随你飞奔
repeat ＊，＃，＃
爱不了一生　梦不能成真　也要让痴心随你飞奔

one month +

it's been slightly more than a month since i left my company. things seemed ok, or so i thought. the series of interviews i went with a particular company seemed on track. and i had been taking things easy and not feel too stressed up about it. until i got a call couple of days back from my headhunter relaying a message to me that the company has decided to stop hiring and to put off all decisions with regards hiring until jan 2013.

wtf...

picture from http://smartfibrochick.blogspot.sg

跟往事干杯

he is well known for sad songs. then again, i can so totally identify with his songs... in fact, a lot of my favourite songs were by him...

跟往事干杯
姜育恒

经过了许多事　你是不是觉得累
这样的心情　我曾有过几回
也许是被人伤了心　也许是无人可瞭解
现在的你　我想一定很疲惫
人生际遇就像酒　有的苦有的烈
这样的滋味　你我早晚要体会
也许那伤口还流着血　也许那眼角还有泪
现在的你　让我陪你喝一杯
干杯　朋友就让那一切成流水
把那往事　把那往事当作一场宿醉
明日的酒杯　莫再要装着昨天的伤悲
请与我举起杯　跟往事干杯
举起杯　跟往事　干　杯

raind

"raind" is my nick in the blowing wind. and i was curious enough to google it. and guess what? urban dictionary lists "raind" as "a circumcised penis"... so un-me... oops... tmi!

lol!

ps: and wtf! it is a word used as an insult too! lol!

blog diarrhea

haha... have been saving my posts for after 12noon today... so, be ready for my verbal/ blog diarrhea that has been pre-scehduled to happen over the next 12 hours...

lol!

voting ended

well, at the end of the voting, the numbers suggest we did not make it. the final results will be pending a panel evaluation of the projects. nonetheless, whatever the outcome may be, i am glad we gave the other project a good push. also, this is not a competition per se. there is only so much resources within our small community and it is important that our limited resources is dedicated to one project. ultimately the community wins. and i am also sure that the process itself, helped us better understand ourselves better.

to all of you who have assisted in voting for project 5, thank you very much. 

temporary halt

i have temporarily halted any updates for now. this is to allow my previous post about voting project 5 to be on the top/ near top of my blog. if you have not voted, please i do urge you, please lend us your support and vote for project 5. the success of this effort will also benefit you directly as long as you subscribe to the forum for glbts (which is free and open to all as long as you are above 18 years old). all posts i have written over the last 2 days have been put on scheduled publish after 12 nov noon when voting stops. 

:-)

appeal for votes

to all my blog readers, 

this is an appeal for your support and votes...

blowing wind, a forum where members of the local (and friends of the local, including malaysian) glbt community meets online, is attempting to collaborate with oogachaga (a local glbt support group) to have professional counsellors provide counseling services to members of the glbt community via the website. the project aims to bring the following to the forum:

• provide professional advice for readers in needy situations
• help the readers understand & accept themselves “as they are”
• help the person to help himself & to achieve positive mental health
• foster a stronger bond within the community
• distribute accurate sexual health info and messages

to ensure its outreach efforts is meaningful, oogachaga has asked the various local glbt organizations/ stakeholders to propose projects deemed useful to the community and putting these proposals to a vote. oogachaga will invest efforts to collaborate with the stakeholder whose project garners the most votes. blowing wind is thus appealing for members of the glbt community (and their friends, including straight ones too) to vote for their project in the oogachaga website... so... ya, help the forum to help yourself, you never know when you might need such help...

so, do please help by voting for project number 5 via this link or by clicking on the banner above. 

voting closes on 12 november. as it stands today, project 5 is second to project 4 by less than 10 votes... your vote will help realize project 5. 

happiness is...

know what makes me happy and makes me smile spontaneously? when i see my friends happy. priceless feeling... always feel very happy when i see people happy...

i do visit facebook daily and often, i  would look at the photos of my friends' updates. and amongst these friends, there were some whom i know a bit more and am aware of their difficult and eventful past (such as their childhood, or previous relationships, etc...). and when i see them grow over time, their struggles, their successes, how they take solace and find joy and happiness in little things in life, how they extend their compassion to people around them, how they love their life... and how these moments are captured in their simple daily photos. it touches me... very hard to describe the feeling, but i feel very happy for them.

and i will smile. very spontaneously. the kind of smile that starts from the heart and that would end up with a huge smile on my face. and it doesn't matter that we may not be actively in contact, but i feel so bluddy happy for them.

:-)

十全大補汤

decided to make 十全大補汤 (a type of herbal soup) for dinner. yummy! superbly fulfilling. been a while since i made any herbal soup for mum. in a way, i wanted to have a variety to the nightly routines of dinners. also, it was to make up for forgetting to make herbal soup for mum 2 weeks back on the 9th lunar day of the 9th lunar month. accordingly, it is believed that all herbs are most potent on that day and that everyone should take herbal soups to nourish their body... anyway, stewed a couple of chicken thighs and drumsticks with the herbs over slow fire for about 2 hours and downed it with a plate of rice, complete with sambal belachan (pound-chilli with preserved shrimp paste)... heavenly! haha... such combinations... so singaporean (and malaysian, i believe).

ingredients

1 packet of 十全大補汤 herbs from the chinese sinseh outlet

1 chicken (or equivalent, i used 2 thighs + 2 full drumsticks)

2 - 2.5 litres of water

salt to taste

method

wash chicken well. remove skin and fats if desired (i did). put all ingredients into a large pot, top it up with water. bring to boil. lower the heat and simmer for 1-1.5 hours (longer if you want the chicken to be softer). add salt to taste. serve hot with white rice. 

you can either eat the chicken with sambal belachan or simply cut chilli with soya sauce.

enjoy!

note: for the sambal belachan, there are various versions at the supermarket, i tend to go for the peranakan-type that is ready mixed with lime. 

picture from http://blog1.poco.cn/myBlogDetail-htx-id-5436671-userid-56172554-pri--n-0.xhtml

the big "o" won!

i know it's unbelievable but there was an air of anticipation here in the little red dot as the vote counting started. and that sense of elation and celebration that broke out when romney conceded. very happy that the win was decisive and that there would not be a repeat of what happened in 2000.

hurray!

:-)

picture from http://kutv.com/news/top-stories/stories/cbs-news-projects-obama-reelected-2695.shtml?wap=0

vietnamese boy again

went to the shopping center again this evening with mum and walked pass the pizza shop. the cute vietnamese boy was there as usual. and with him was another bespectacled boy (totally not cute lor, and looked very toot). haha, and hmm, wear specs, must be singaporean!... and as usual, he smiled and waved at us (mum and i). i joked that he was the teacher this evening. he smiled and then he said he is teaching this new chap cos he will be leaving for vietnam in 2 months' time... and he invited us to visit him and to call him when we visit vietnam...

so sad... 

sighs.

aching shoulders & arms

for whatever reasons, my shoulders ache like nobody business. i suspect it was due to the chiropractic treatment. over the weekend, it felt so bad that i literally could not sleep at night. terribly restless and aching shoulders. and the restlessness extended all the way to the arms... so you can imagine me, lying in bed, but with my two arms and shoulders behaving like they do not belong to the body. so much so that i literally jumped out of bed a couple of times in the middle of the night just to swing and shake my shoulders and arms. i finally fell asleep at about 5am as i was just too fatigue by then... 

last night, i decided to ice my right shoulder - the worst of the two shoulders. applied the ice pack onto my deltoids and numbed it. felt good for a while but the ache came back again once the ice pack warmed up. thankfully, the ache was not as bad and i managed to get some decent sleep. for tonight, have purchase koyok (medicated plaster) from the sinseh shop earlier and pasted it onto my shoulder and arms. so far, seemed ok. hopefully, i can get a good night sleep tonight.

heading back to the chiropractor tomorrow first thing in the morning!

picture from http://www.ehow.com/how_2386694_get-rid-shoulder-ache.html

bee-ing away

bee goes overseas for work pretty often these days. and this week, he is in taiwan for a week of meetings. admittedly, i am not happy and always feel very lonely when he goes away. and when i feel that way, my mind will begin to think of all sorts of negative things...

sighs.

us elections

i am so glad election day is finally here.

and although i do not follow the rallies deliberately, it was almost impossible not to hear parts of it as it was reported in the news on tv, on the radio, in the papers, etc. and as of today, i am really tired and sick of it. so, i can imagine how traumatic it must have been for the americans to have to endure such a long period of campaigning by the 2 candidates. and it seemed not too long ago when we were put through the same process in 2008.

:-)

ps: and i do really hope obama wins. other than all the objective reasons, i also think he looks better  and more trustworthy than romney.

picture from http://ecatreport.com/andrearossi/andrea-rossi-and-the-u-s-elections 

be understood

when i was in primary school, i was taught that "anniversary" was a day that occurs on a yearly basis for an event to be commemorated. and that was how i came to appreciate the significance of events such as school's anniversary, unit's anniversary, etc...

these days, i see this word being used and abused over and over again. was at lunch earlier and heard a lady beside me said "last week, my hubby and i celebrated our 11th-month anniversary, next month we will be celebrating our 1-year anniversary". and to confirm i did not remember my vocabulary wrongly, i did a check on the meaning again in the internet. i was right. all dictionaries i surfed list "anniversary" as an annual day of commemorating an event... not weekly, monthly or for that matter, daily... hmmm...

is this a symptom of a larger issue of us being not serious about our languages? much as i hope it is not... i am quite certain i am wrong. it is very sad indeed. i strongly believe that if we want to use any particular language, we should make sure we use it correctly. and more importantly, be understood, not just amongst our own friends, but amongst all speakers.

picture from http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/news/849-the-word-‘stigma’-when-attached-to-mental-health.html

young & naive?

i really do not know what to say nor how to describe this 20 year old person in jack'd... told bee about it and he also shook his head... this person send me a message and it went:

"hi, i wants to start a ltr with you. can you show me your face pic..."

i really do not know whether to laugh, to cry or... 

and so i simply reply him that i am attached. he replied thank you and that's it. is he simply young & naive or what? and bee added, maybe he was just looking for a sugar daddy... i mean, just look at his age, you are more than twice his age! lol!

picture from http://online.wsj.com/article/SB125537784669480983.html

insistent jack'd-ers

there is this particular individual in jack'd who kept messaging and asking me to meet up for coffee, for sex, for ltr etc. i find it quite irritating considering the fact that i made it very clear in my profile that i am there to "make friends only". what's more, i did not reply him despite him messaging me so many times. it started a few months back with a message weekly. and when i did not reply, the messaging slowed down to  fortnightly, and then monthly...

all his messages looked almost identical, which i suspected he re-used and mass send... the last time i got a message from him was last month... i never ever reply any of his messages. he should jolly well know i was not interested. and after sometime, his messages stopped. he finally gave up, i thought... until today. now, to be exact. a new message came in. it was from him. again. same familiar liners. and this time round, he added something new... he asked me to go to his place to have sex... wtf...

i did what i have never done to anyone before, i blocked him.

hmmph! no regrets.

picture from http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/3502150/Pedo+men+at+its+best/

12 year old bitch

haha... this is sapphie. she turns 12 today. grand old dame of a bitch... well, bitch is nothing but a word that describes a female dog. but it is used so often to mean bad, so much so that it is now taken as a bad term... sighs. but well, back to the birthday! she turns 12 and in human years, that is equivalent to 84 years old. this is the year she surpassed my mum in terms of old age. so funny... and to celebrate her ripe old age, i got her 2 lian rong pau and a healthy generous dollop of peanut butter, her favorite. and wow, she downed everything in less than a minute... and here's a quick link back to her previous 2 birthdays - 11th birthday (2011, where we got her d24 durians), and her 10th birthday (2010, where we got her papaya), and for all other birthdays (such as 2007), it was $4 of minced beef...

haha!

:-)

skyfall

i think i have watched at least 10-11 james bond movies since young and today, i add skyfall to the list. and well, short of saying too much, just a few short comments... 

1. skyfall is the best. 
2. this is one of the few, or perhaps the only one, that did not have a main beautiful dumb blond as a key supporting cast. 
3. then again, there was a blond and i  really enjoyed her performance. judi dench never fail to deliver, respect her.  
4. i understand why they named this show "skyfall", but another appropriate name could have been "m"... 
5. there is a lot more depth in this show with regards the personal life of 007, and it is a very refreshing change.
6. this is the first time i see james bond cry, real tears too. 

haha... ok, ok, cannot say too much...

picture from http://mi6007.com/skyfall/

bee's birthday

t'was a good dinner on 1 nov. celebrated bee's birthday a day in advance. simple dinner and mum came along... haha... quite funny if you think about it, but well... it was an interesting one. 

here're some previous birthday celebrations on 2011, 2009, and 2008 (the drama one)...

:-)

amazing bangkok

i have always been a great fan of thailand, its people and its culture,

and this is the official name of bangkok: "krungthepmahanakhon amonrattanakosin mahintharayutthaya mahadilokphop noppharatratchathaniburirom udomratchaniwetmahasathan amonphimanawatansathit sakkathattiyawitsanukamprasit" or in thai "กรุงเทพมหานคร อมรรัตนโกสินทร์ มหินทรายุทธยา มหาดิลกภพ นพรัตนราชธานีบุรีรมย์ อุดมราชนิเวศน์มหาสถาน อมรพิมานอวตารสถิต สักกะทัตติยะวิษณุกรรมประสิทธิ์".  it is translated to "city of angels, great city of immortals, magnificent city of the nine gems, seat of the king, city of royal palaces, home of gods incarnate, erected by visvakarman at indra's behest".

isn't it amazing that there is a song composed entirely based on the name of a city?

:-)

new low

just found out from one of my ex-colleague that she was paid slightly less than me but with about a quarter of my jobscope... new low in my respect for my ex-bosses... reinforced my beliefs and so happy i left. 

hurray (?)

never felt so good before for an interview. but still, need to manage myself. no celebration until the offer is made and the negotiation is closed. let's hope for the best...

next round interview

well, have been for 3 rounds of interview and tomorrow will be another round... getting a little uneasy with so many rounds. for a good while, i thought the last one was the final round as i spoke with the company's top man. but it was not to be so... he ended by saying he would like to hear my further views about certain things and that that was but the first of perhaps 2 or 3 more rounds before they decide if they should give me the job... then again, the interview tomorrow will be with the next person who will be taking over the current top man next year. so i supposed it is also important for me to also convince him i can do it...

it is gonna be a tough one... wonder if this will be the last... and that a decision would be made.

wish me luck people, wish me lotsa luck!

arghhh... 

fatherly figure

something i shared with an (ex)-staff of mine couple of minutes ago...

(1) "whatever you do, make sure it is in the best interest of the people around you... and not necessarily for yourself..."

(2) "the best decisions in life are those that will allow you to sleep well at night, and to die with your eyes fully close..."

and yes, i do keep in close touch with my wonderful ex-staff and they are sharing things about the team that they don't usually share when i was there and it's very enlightening to hear (a lot more) things from their point of views. oops, i am turning into a fatherly/ uncle figure to them these days...

lol!

andainya aku pergi dulu

i will always remember this song... 1980. secondary 2 favorite.

:-)

Andainya aku pergi dulu
alley cats

Andainya aku pergi dulu sebelummu
Janganlah kau bersedih hati
Andainya aku tiada lagi di sisimu
Janganlah kau memencil diri
Bayangkanlah masa-masa bahagia
Semasa engkau dan aku
Bermesra di langit biru
Di waktu kasih berpadu

Andainya engkau pergi dulu sebelumku
Mestikah aku hidup melara
Andainya engkau tiada lagi di sisiku
Mestikah aku kecewa

Ku percaya kau selalu di sisiku
Walaupun jasadmu tiada
Walau di mana kau berada
Kasihku takkan berubah

Di pohon cemara ku ukirkan kata cinta
Bulan tersenyum dan bersinar
Berguguran daun jatuh lembut ke rambutmu
Meraikan suasana indah
Di sini ku berjanji disaksi rembulan
Andainya ku pergi dulu
Jikalau ku pergi dulu
Ku nantimu di pintu syurga

what the fart!

ok, this is gonna sound gross, but i thought this natural phenomena warrants some intellectual treatment... (ahem, intellectual some more)... ok, ok, i am gonna talk about "flatulence". and i thought of writing it becos i have been farting like crazy these couple of days! damned it! almost choked mum when i farted in the car yesterday... and today too... haha! 

ok, let's be serious. officially and formally, it is called "flatulence", but just like how we tend to shorten long words into short-and-easy-to-pronounced single syllabus word (eg "copulation" or "sexual intercourse" becomes "fuck"), we gladly, affectionately and conveniently shortened the word "flatulence" to none other than "fart". sometimes i do wonder why all these not too sexy words starts with an "f". and they are both 4-lettered words some more! wonder if there are any relation to the fact that both "f" involved places where the sunshine don't reach... (frightening! aha! another f-word)

ok, i shall take it that every single person in the history of mankind knows what it means and shall not bore anyone with the official explanation of it (you can check out wikipedia if you are intellectually curious), but suffice to say that it is breaking wind, or the act of passing out of gas from your system through your asshole. and my oh my, although it sounded so straight forward, all of us know it certainly is not. there are just so many many types of farts.... eg those that are loud but not smelly, no sound but with the effects equivalent to wmd (weapons of mass destruction) ones, the long hissing ones, loud quick "poot" ones, sharp spiky "pooooooooootttt" ones, those that sounded like a inflated balloon but release with its mouth flapping/ flying "plrmrmrmrmrmrrrr" ones, etc... yup, there are just so many types. also, there are a few things that are consistent... we fart when we have too much gas in the stomach, most of the times, the fart we fart are smelly when we want to shit, if we take a lot of vegetables, chances are the fart that we fart are less smelly, when our asshole feel kinda warm/ hot when we fart usually means the fart belongs to the wmd-category type...

and yes, for the unenlightened, i am not sure if all animals fart, but i know for sure my dog farts too. and her fart is usually the wmd-type... not too pleasant when it occurs at night when she sleeps next to my bed (on the floor)...

hahaha!

ok, will stop here. this is a damned bo-liao post.

ps: and oh, always listen to your mother... when you have wmd-type of fart, it means your body is very juak (heaty), time to drink more liang teh... 

pps: have you come across this gay-joke (good to once a while laugh at ourselves ya) - how to distinguish between a virgin gay and a non-virgin gay? listen to their fart, the virgin ones will go "pppooooot". short and sharp. the non-virgin one will go "wooooooooosh"... 

bluddy rain

wah ranz... cannot believe this... these past 2 weeks was so bluddy hot and humid. the temperatures could literally cook an egg and you could feel the sun penetrate your skin! and becos of that, the usually crowded pools (with gaymen on sunny days) did not happen as i believed most stayed indoor for fear of getting chow tar and/ or skin cancer. on the roads, the surface were dry and dusty and you could almost get blinded by the glare from the hot sun. when the sky darkened yesterday, we thought we had a relief but it turned out to be that kinda one-two-drop of rain kinda rain. this type of rain, almost like heaven sweating, did not cool things down but rather, made every thing in its path dirty... my mum used to call such rain hujan kotor cos it makes things very dirty... and that was the condition of my car today. patches of dust all over. almost can mistaken it as a camouflaged tank if not for its dark blue tone.

and it was the same today - clear blue cloudless sky, scorching hot sun, terribly dusty roads, etc. all these factors combined made my car lagi dirty. and so, after picking my mum from the rehab center, i decided to wash my car... and can you imagine this, immediately after i washed my car and headed up to my unit, the sky suddenly turned dark and it rained cats and dogs! just take a look at the picture (the view from my room). somehow, the clouds just appeared out of nowhere! and it rained for less than 15min and the sky opened up again. 

wtf, wtf, wtf! 

arghhh...

iphone replaced

it was a week of peace... totally no phone calls and no smses. 

the reason was i had sent in my iphone for evaluation as it died on me after i dropped it. went to singtel shop, told the guy i dropped it but it couldn't be the reason cos i broke the fall with my foot. that guy tried to revive the phone but could not and told me to send to the hq/ apple service center. and he specifically told me not to tell them about me dropping the phone. he said to just let them evaluate. that was what i did last week. sent it in, told them the phone died. the service personnel took a look, told me they will sent it to apple service center for evaluation... well, they came back and told me the phone passed their evaluation and in its place, gave me a brand new iphone. no further questions asked.

:-)

and when i switched it on... i was flooded with smses, whatsapps, etc... wah... so many of my friends tried to contact me during the last week... and tuls, i replied u liao. a little belated, but still, congrats ya? more to come i hope...

lol!

ah sen - confirmed gay (?)

if there's one thing that bee is more acute than me, it is his sense of people's sexuality. in our close to 8 years together, he has been almost all the time correct when it came to guessing a person's sexuality. in fact, it has come to a point where i kinda accept that if he says a person is gay, i will take it as a fact. no further questions asked. i do attribute this to a few possibilities including (1) he is young and cute and people tend to look at him (and he enjoys it too! while i become inadvertently invisible in many gaymen's eyes when i stand beside him), (2) his gaydar is more acute, (3) my gaydar is dying just as i am hitting my man-o-pause aka andropause (hahaha! no la... just joking, especially the menopause part!) (4) i am just superbly straight-acting (bee will totally disagree with me on this)... hahaha... ok, i have digressed... let me continue...

last week, bee joined mum and i for some shopping at raffles city - a shopping center that is a very popular meet up place for gaymen in singapore. and as we shopped, bee walked ahead while i pushed mum's wheelchair. and that was when i chanced upon a uni classmate (let's call him ah sen). he was standing in my path browsing at some stuff... well, usually, when i meet my uni classmates in public, i would shy away cos i never like to strike any conversation, much less with someone whom i was not particularly close to nor had we kept in contact since our graduation in 1990/91. but at that moment, there was no way i could avoid him as he was directly in front of me. and so, i called out to him. he was kinda taken aback, but recovered quickly. we exchanged some pleasantries, and we parted ways as quickly too.

when i walked up to bee, his first reaction, before i could even explain that ah sen was my uni friend, was - "gay". huh? was my immediate response... why did you say that? i asked. oh, cos he cruised me... bee replied. hmmm...

i was surprised, yet in another way, not too surprised... you see, ah sen was never a very high profile person during uni days. he kept to a small group of classmates (i think germs should know them all) and i have always assumed he was with one of the girl in the group. we did talk to each other quite often, but it was mostly about studies-related stuff. he was one of the many i-know-you-as-a-friend-friend, but not-close-enough-to-share-anything-personal type of friend. and he came across as a rather private person. so... no further questions asked. and since we graduated, his name did surface once a while when my uni friends meet. and all these while, i noted he was never seen with a female, and that he always seemed to be alone. then again... i guess it is not important, even if he is gay, i hope he has come to terms with his sexuality. it is not a comfortable topic to talk about so openly, at least amongst people my age (read - generation), not when we are not too close in the first place.

picture from http://laglc.convio.net/site/PageServer?pagename=YW_LC_Coming_Out_Workshop_for_Men_V08

the return of bee

bee made his first return visit to the house friday evening. and it was a visit that was okayed by mum!

you see, mum had been superbly superstitious and had not allowed bee to enter the house for 100 days after his dad's demise. she said it would be very "suay" (unlucky) to do so... and becos of that, bee had not been able to visit the house... and finally last week, the 100-day period came and went. however, we did not insist on his coming over and chose to "play by the ear", observe her and test water... we wanted to see how receptive she would be to his visiting. and on friday, after bringing her to the temple together with bee, visit to peirce reservoir for a walk and to see monkeys, dinner, as well as grocery shopping at a megamart near my place, i conveniently asked bee (in mum's presence) to help me carry the stuff up to the house. and i asked it in such a way that sounded like asking mum's opinion about whether it was ok, and she gave the go ahead.

i supposed we were able to achieve this breakthrough not just becos of the 100-day duration. i do frankly think it was also becos of the intense amount of groundwork over the same period to put her mind at ease. for example, i consistently tried to convince her that some of her fears were unfounded (eg that his mother is trying to take over ownership of my house, etc)... and of cos, the fact that during the last 3 months, a lot of other things also happened that further helped stabilized my mum including the fact that bee and his family moved into a new house, got it totally renovated nicely, started driving (despite the fact that it is a company car), etc... so for now, she has the notion that he is richer than me, and probably living in a more luxurious environment. and as such, it therefore make no sense for him (or his mum) to want to take over my property... 

but of cos i do admit that during the 100-day period, there were some occasions where he sneaked in after she had fallen asleep la... afterall, we still need our time to do what couples do right? ok, ok, i am not referring to sex entirely (and come on, for a coming to 8 year relationship, sex seldom occurs... haha). what i was referring to includes opportunities to be physically close together, the ability to snuggle (as he surfed the net while i read), to exercise some animal instincts such as mutual grooming, digging of ears, plucking of white hair, etc...  hahaha... too much information here... but hey, these are the boring mundane daily stuff that couples do that are not spoken off as they are all considered not, and i repeat, totally not, sexy. after all, people wants to read about all the juicy sex and all right? who really bother, much less, wants to read about plucking white hair, dig ear wax, and stuff right? 

:-)

gay short story

such a heartwarming short film "do you, andy... 你願意了嗎?".

:-)

ps: and hor... i find the jeffrey character so so cute, much cuter than that andy guy...  haha...

wah ranz...

this is real evil of me, but i couldn't helped it when i passed this comment about someone earlier...

you see, we (bee, mum and i) were walking at a megamart near my house earlier after dinner and we saw a guy with a halloween monster/ troll mask over his face and playing the fool with his toddler kid. and instead of wearing the mask, he placed it over his face and held onto it as he pranced around like how the lion head of the chinese lion dance troop would do...

wah ranz, i thought... so unglam doing such things in public. then again, many a times, when parents play with their kids, i do wonder whether the kids ever cry out silently in their little innocent and pure head wtf is he trying to do. anyway, the baby just stared at him. no reaction... and when the guy (presumably the dad) too off the mask, instinctively i commented... wah ranz, he actually looks better with the mask on... hahaha...

bee said i was very bad, but, but, but... it's true... and i do not tell lies...

and this is the first time i chanced upon a real-life experience of i am fat, you are ugly, and i can diet...

ok ok stop it! i am being evil again!

bad boy! bad boy!

gay & lonely?

i came across this status update being posted on a forum... and i thought it was quite regretful that this person felt this way... it went:

"gay and lonely, is this a curse?"

well, we all don't have a choice when comes to being gay, but we do have a choice not to be lonely. and the only thing stopping us is ourselves... so... ya, my first initial response was - what the hell! get over it... go out and make friends, go out and chill out... and stop whining that you are gay. on the other hand, you should be glad you are gay! for you can see how evil human can be, how discriminating people can be, how negative things are,... and you can then learn not to be all the negatives that you see and be the best person ever.

and yes, i strongly believe that gay people are strong. much stronger than most straight people cos they all have it good. and they do not fully comprehend what it means to be discriminated.

the difference between a curse and a blessing is but a change in perspective.

we owe ourselves our own happiness. 

proactive pick ups...

relating to my earlier post on nothing venture, nothing gain, it is equally applicable in the context of cruising and picking people up. haha... i am sure you would agree with me that during such times, if you do not open your golden gap or make the first move (at least to show interest), and continue to act demure, you can forget about getting to know the person, much less, get into his pants... hahaha... 

and i learned this from my first crush! back then (1996), i was new to the whole concept of cruising and picking up people. and that was when he taught me that pro-activeness is important in order not to waste anybody's time. and to prove it, he actually showed me how to approach a guy. we were were shopping at raffles city and was about to head to dinner when we walked pass someone, who obviously was staring at and giving signals to him. and to prove his point, he straight away walked up to the fellow and talked to him. i was frankly taken aback and stood a distance away, staring at them and wondering how their contact would unfold, and whether that guy would be invited to join us for dinner.... a short while later, my crush turned back with a smile on his face and walked back alone.  that guy walked away, with a smile too... hmmm... when he got back to me, he explained that when that guy opened his mouth to talk, he couldn't hold a simple conversation in english and his teeth were all badly stained with cigarette tar... in short, he was a total turn off to my crush! and he decided not to pursue this person further and parted ways... but being a smooth talker and a seasoned person in the scene, he ensured that guy did not go down feeling dejected or embarrassed. he got his number and said he would keep in contact... 

whatever, it proved one thing - if my crush did not take the initiative to chat him up, they would probably have spent a good duration wasting time cruising one another... 

agree?

:-)

ps: still, for me, i am a natural shy person... hiak, hiak, hiaks... then again, we are all naturally shy when it comes approaching to people we like. no?

nothing venture, nothing gain

in the forum that i read usually, there was a person who asked what gay couples can do... and he wrote about how he and his partner wanted to do certain things but thought the ideas were futile as this or that will not allow it to happen etc... in short, he simply justified how things could not be done even before trying to do them... 

quite an interesting chap. and i was thinking... hmmm, then what the hell was he asking for suggestions from us, outsiders of his relationship? frankly, if we began putting and justifying barriers before we even try, then it might be better not to even let the idea surface. waste of effort altogether right? really, in life, if we think of something worth doing, then we should at least go try. nothing wrong. nothing venture, nothing gain... even if we were to be embarrassed at that moment, no one would remember us once we walk away. so? what's holding us back right? same for courtship, the most is a no... and life goes on, right?

and from what this person wrote, it reminded me of my first experience buying a car. it was 1990 and i was no more than 24 year old (damned! that was one helluva long time back!)...  or was it 1993... hmmm, memory failing me... ok, never mind. at that time, i could ill afford an expensive car, but i wanted a particular brand cos the car looked good and smart. haha, yes, i know, i was and i still am superficial when it comes to such things. looks are more important than technical details. and so, without knowing anything about cars, its parts, la la la.... in short, without know what i should look for in a car, i walked into a showroom, walked up to the agent and i asked - ahhh, do you have a car that is below s$xxxxx?... i think the agent probably found me, a young looking puck freaking naive and probably bordering the whole concept of stupidity... and he simply and curtly answered, no, and went about doing his stuff. he completely ignored me! 

haha... but it was an interesting experience. of course, i continued walking around the showroom, looked at how people make their transactions, and simply my showroom hopping... heh... well, my point is - if i had not tried, i would have not learned (of cos, i could have done some research before that, but at that time, when internet access was only available to top researchers, information such as car parts, performance, etc were not so easily available. and thus, such blind head on gatecrashes was one way to learn about things. and that was how i learned about many things in my early years. it was the same when i bought my house, when i took up a loan, when i got into the business of engaging lawyers, when i bought my motorbike, etc...

and i must say, it builds a person's character too...

heh heh...

here without you... again

for whatever reasons, someone clicked on this song and it appeared in my blog stats. i clicked on it...

as i listened, florida came back to me. and i so miss florida. of the base i worked in, of my container office, of my rented house, of the shopping centers, the long aimless drives on weekends, the escapes from hurricanes, the flights to new york, to chicago, the dinners, the non-stop meetings, the work co-ordinating operations for our missions in iraq and afghanistan, the... etc... and especially of tampa bay, my daily runs there, the many moments when i starred into the ocean, the heartaches for people back home, and for james, the lonely nights... yup, so many things came flooding back all at once. listening to this song brings back all the feelings of loss, of pining for people, of missing home, yet at the same time, of freedom, of being able to do what i want to do, when i want to do, and how i want to do things... and the whole ambience and feel of overseas, alone. 6 months.

but no, i don't miss him now although at times i still get reminded of him. then again, as i listened to this song now, my heart feels a little achy. not sure how to describe it, but it is that kinda of momentary dropping feeling and achy feeling that i feel whenever i get transported back to the days of tampa, of florida, of the united states.

sighs...

Here Without You
Songwriters: Roberts, Matt; Harrell, Todd; Arnold, Brad; Henderson, Chris;

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me, yeah oh yeah oh

sounds like gay porn...

well, this is about my very friendly chiropractor again... 

today, went to visit him... and as usual, had my deep tissue massage of my right shoulder on top of all the twists and cracking of my spine. given that the treatment has been rather intensive for the last 2 months, my shoulder has started to slowly readjust itself. as a result, my shoulder felt really awkward and sore. and today when i visited him, the shoulder muscles were stiff and uncooperative. he expertly felt and identified all the knots and with the intentions to break all of them down, he used a lot of strength when he did the deep tissue massage. it was really painful. but it was good... it was that kinda painful-but-i-freaking-shit-love-it-oh-please-don't-stop feeling... and as he massage, he kept telling me how deep he has always been doing it and how much more deeper he is really doing it today... and when he ended, he told me that becos it was so intense, the areas around where he massaged had turned red (the blood capillaries has burst due to his pressure, he explained) and would probably scar for a day or two... and he added that well, it would help you remember me by... and he ended with a heh heh...

omfg, such words, if taken out of context can really sound one helluva gay-porn-y to some right? but of cos, you know what i was thinking of when he said all these. it was all pure thoughts. lol!

haha... then again, it was just a massage and a chiropractic treatment...

:-)

ps: i have always wondered where he got his executive shirts from... i know he said he got them tailored at bkk, but really, they are really beautiful... or what a minute, could it also be becos his body carry the shirt well? hmmm... whatever...

pps: whenever he massages me, i will not talk nor chat with him as i would be grimacing in pain. and when i explained that to him, he said he know, and that he would just listen to my deep breathing as he presses my shoulder away... haha!

sunshine after rain...

things are back to normal today... or, by evening, to be more specific. the mental tensions that i had expected did not occur. woke up and she seemed somewhat normal. spoke to her and she responded as per usual. the only hint of anything behavior that was not normal was that she left quietly for her rehab without telling me. that was the clearest indicator that she was a little off this morning. when i called her at noon as per usual to check on her, she spoke with me in a rather normal manner. and by evening time, she was back to her old self. just like as though nothing had happened. the following were some of the things that i suspected helped:

• when i "lectured" her yesterday, i kept using my granddad's (her father whom she feared, and respected) name and told her that her behaviour was not what he had expected and that if he was alive, he would chide her... this was to prevent her subconscious from working up. when it does so, it will always manifest itself as my granddad coming in her dream to tell her to run away or that her children are not filial to her etc. so, in a way, by using my granddad's name, i was targeting her sub-consciousness. you could say i was playing mental games... but i guess it helped. 
• before she slept yesterday, i increased the diazepam (sleeping pill) dosage by an additional half tablet. that was to make her sleep deeper and to prevent her from waking up prematurely. this would help relax her mentally.
• there was an incident at her rehab center that made her rather excited. that could possibly erase some of her memory about what happened yesterday. apparently, at the rehab center, as she related to me during dinner, one of the patients (short of a better word) lose her consciousness after lunch and was send to the hospital via an ambulance. according to her, she had spend the morning chatting with this lady and was kinda taken aback at sudden turn of event.

so... by evening, everything seemed perfectly fine. it was like as though nothing had happened. and she was even receptive to having bee join us for dinner. and to make sure i break the routine, i brought her to raffles city instead of the usual changi city point, etc.

:-)

hell broke loose

after a day of psycho-ing myself to be happy and gay, i lost it totally this evening.

all hell broke loose... i hit my threshold when she again refused to eat and insisted on white porridge with soya sauce. she needed to take proper meals or she will suffer downstream medical issues, especially when she was forewarned this morning she needed to take some proper food after her medication or her stomach will be affected. it has happened before and it is happening again. and her tone of voice towards me was superbly hostile. and before i knew it, she started her wallowing again... next thing i knew, i was throwing everything onto the living room floor. the porridge flew, my rice cooker flew, glass containers of canned food flew, my rice storage container flew, spoons, ladle, and so on... everything was everywhere. the house was a total war zone. and i broke down, i cried.  

and when i got myself composed and quietened down, i had to spend close to 3 hours washing the house... and as i washed, i reminded her how much efforts i had put in to look after her, despite her frequent accusations that i disliked having her stay with me and that i am ill-treating her. she kept quiet throughout.  and after i cleaned the house, i administered her her evening medication. she took it quietly and went to bed. and now that i am a little more composed, i felt a little bad. should have controlled my temper.

i will now have to face the brunt of her mental flare up tomorrow.

sighs...

ps: everything that was thrown broke... and i do not intend to buy anymore rice, rice cooker, etc. it would give her reasons to refuse food and cook white porridge again. and when that happens, it's gonna give me more tensions...

happy & gay, trying to be...

well, felt agitated earlier, and still am... somewhat... have not taken any food today. a hungry man is an angry man. then again, i am not a "man" man per se today... my mental state is such that i am trying to make myself see things from a positive point of view. but i am certainly not delusional. i am trying hard to see things from different perspectives. a more positive perspective i hope. need to be, well short of an appropriate adjective, happy and gay! lol!

i am lying in bed, stuck at home. cannot head out, not when i have an emo-mental mum at home who has locked herself in her room and insisting on a plain porridge diet now. so... anyway, the sky is really bright and beautiful. and there is hardly any haze. beautiful day... hmmm... yes, have done the laundry too. just nice... and damned! am also becoming an auntie now! lol!

and yes, i am hungry. very hungry now. but i have no desire to eat. in part cos i am agitated and in part cos i have to head out to buy food, and i cannot do that. hmmm... perhaps it is a good thing to do considering i am a little overweight and that it will help me slim down.

usually when the sun is out like the way it is now, i will head to the pool for a tan, ogle at the boys (or some young uncles even) and perhaps witness a flashing or two. but much as i itch so now, i cannot... but hey, my face will be less tanned and i will probably look fabulous when i go for any interviews... and certainly, i will reduce my chance of getting skin cancer.

and my phone is spoilt. i need to get it send to the service center. but i cannot leave my mum alone. ok, ok, will send it in to the service center tonight, and can have dinner there at the same time. and yes, since the service center is at changi city point, i might as well pay a visit to take a look at the cute vietnamese boy...

and since i am so bluddy free now at home, i might as well write entries into my blog... and don't ask me why i chose this picture of a face, i just thought it was nice...

:-)

picture from http://www.gaydarradio.com/music/interviews/2012/3/cocabelle.html

agitated

i am feeling extremely agitated now over how things are developing with regards my mum. need to keep reminding myself to hold my cool.

look inwards... look inwards...

even this shall pass...

picture from http://www.flixya.com/photo/1694701/Agitated-Depression

self-pity

the doctor said her stomachache was due to gas. and it could be due to indigestion. gave her a jab and some medication and asked her to make sure she takes the medication regularly. and given the acidic nature of her medication, we were told to ensure she take some food after taking the medicine. i asked the doctor why she kept asking for water despite the fact that she was only recently hospitalized for overloading of fluids and that the hospital did not find anything wrong with her kidneys or bladder. the doctor told me all these could be due to her depression. sighs... 

and as to be expected, she was in her self-pity mode. my husband don't want me, my children don't want me, i want to die, i don't want to live... la la la... and when i brought her for breakfast after the visit to the clinic, as needed for her and her medication, she refused food. and insisted she simply wants plain water. an exact repeat of what happened to her before her last hospitalization. almost lost my cool at the hawker center. and after some intensive coaxing, managed to get her to minimally drink half a glass of barley, take her medication and to minimally take a bite of bread when she reach home. she kept going on and on about how she wants to die, how her children are not treating her well, how she wants to resort to social welfare, etc. well... she is now home, managed to get her to eat a small bite of bread. nonetheless, her self-pity and wallowing continues. and she has also started to bring back all her history. and worst, confuse some of her history with her present... sighs. let's see how to manage her day's meals... gonna be one helluva challenging given her pattern of going on hunger strike or to simply eat plain white porridge (she believes if she does so, she will get immediate divine intervention to solve her problems). can also expect her self-pity, wallowing and accusations of neglect, delusion etc to continue for the next few days...

i had hoped to take a mental break and to do some proper job search, and not to be occupied with having to focus solely on her. but it looks increasingly difficult...

this was exactly what i had feared.

picture from http://insidemybubbletoday.blogspot.sg/2009/09/my-bubble-ive-been-left-behind.html

what a start

today is the first day of unemployment for me - that is, according to how news have unfolded to mum. 

i woke up, all ready to hit the road to do my chiro, to meet up with an old friend, and then to repair my iphone... in short, my me-time after a weekend of managing mum's mood swings.

and when i walked out of my room, mum whined and at the same time commanded me, i have stomach ache since 3am. i couldn't sleep properly... i want to see doctor, i don't want to go rehab. call the rehab staff not to come fetch me...

i am trying very hard to control myself. but i seriously feel she is doing this on purpose. let's hope i am wrong.

arghhhh...

told her liao

i have deliberately made every possible efforts not to tell my mum about quitting my job as i know she would not be able to take this stress. and i had kept this news from her for the longest time. nonethless, i told my sis about it and she told my mum about it last month. and since then, she had been asking me non-stop about it. i found out later after asking my mum that my sis had told her about it and the news  made her worry. since then, she would time and again asked to go to the temple pray for me to have a smooth worklife, and for me to be able to find a good job... sighs... it was specifically becos i didn't want this to happen that i wanted to keep my quitting from her. she cannot take such stress. damned i thought. why must be sis be so careless in her conversation with my mum. didn't she know that mum cannot take such news? damned damned damned! of cos i cannot blamed her for she totally cannot and do not know how to talk to mum. she didn't even bother to want to talk to her! anyway, i smsed her and told her about this boo-boo and asked her not to harp on it nor bring it up again. she said ok... the matter was not brought up again.

since leaving my job 2 weeks ago (which mum did not know about), i had been maintaining my routines of heading to "work" and coming home as per "normal" time. i didn't want mum to worry about my unemployed status and i had prior to my departure from work, forewarned my siblings about telling my mum about it. but somehow, over the last 2 weeks, i found mum behaving very weird. everytime she spoke with me or when she saw me, she would asked whether i am really going to work, or whether i am at home when i called her, or what time did i come home from work, etc. initially i found out that she asked the condo cleaner and they told her i was home. and so i continued staying off my place through the whole day. but still the questioning went on despite all the so-called cover up. and in one of my indirect questioning of mum, i found out that my second sis has time and again, call her and ask her whether i am at home, what time i come home, what time i go work etc. and all these despite telling her that i have not told mum about me stopping work. damned damned damned and more damned! 

so, to prevent further damages and having to handle even more tensions, i decided to tell mum i will be stop going to work this coming week. i told her about it on friday (2 days ago). and guess what - mum went into depression. she started not talking. she avoided food. she just wanted to drink plain water. she refused her medication. she just laid on the sofa and blanked off, black-faced. just so so so freaking frustrating. like as though i am not frustrated enough, now i have to manage a depressed mum... told both my brother and sister about it. asked them to help talk to her and to advise her to eat. and their reply? sorry, i am very busy, got no time to do it. will be busy for the next 2 weeks. you manage. well, not exact words but you got the drift. and that was what i did through this weekend. had to cajole her to eat, brought her to the temple to ease her mental stress, avoid staying at home as she would go into blank mode once she hits her sofa, brought her to my brother's place to play with my niece, go shopping, go walk around... but well, she knows i am now unemployed. and i can see more questions coming. for a start, just before she retire to bed, she already asked, tomorrow, what time you waking up? what are you going to do? la la la... 

so very tiring. no, am just totally exhausted now. 

iphone died

arghh! dropped my iphone and the screen went blank... and it won't start up. hmmm... frustrating! then again, i will be forced to be free of my phone for the moment. peace indeed...

:-)

happiness

we may be one of the richest country in the world, but are we the happiest? i don't sense it from what i am seeing. also, many a times, the poorest people are the happiest. if that is the case, perhaps we should take a step back and reflect if we can balance our materialistic approach to growth with something less tangible?

in fact, this quick reflection reminded me of a few things.  first of which was my buddhist teachings. it reminded me about the need to manage greed. greed is one of the 3 poisons (the other 2 being delusion and ignorance). and in the pursuance of more material wealth aka greed, we have forsaken/ not placed sufficient emphasis on aspects relating to our non-tangibles. concepts such as kindness, respect, happiness... to put in perspective, it is not wrong to pursue materials/ tangibles, but the over emphasis of this has resulted in very unhealthy outcomes. this, of course, leads me to the conclusion that we are suffering due, in a large part, to our inability to practice moderation or middle path, in buddhist lingo. and this reminded me of something that mahatma gandhi said, and it went something like this:

"we can feed all the needs in society, but we cannot feed all the greed"

just a quick weekend babbling here...

sorry for you

i have a long time friend, or specifically a 34-year friend, that i meet up for meals regularly. often, it would be at his place where his wife would cook and i would eat as part of his family. but over the last year or so since my mum came over to stay with me, we could only do lunches as i have to be home to look after mum. he knew about my daily/ weekly routines and would often try to arrange for lunches instead. and recently, he said he felt very sorry for me cos i have not much time to myself (he does not know i am gay)... well... i told him not to. it (the routine) is something that i can grow in to, although i initially faced a lot of internal tensions at the lose of my self-time... 

but well, i supposed i have gotten used to it.

my routines

here's my weekly routine... and it repeats every week...

weekdays
0730: self-time (wake up, wash up)
0740: dog-time (bring dog to pee/ shit)
0750: self-time (read newspaper)
0800: work-time (go to work)
1830: dog-time (come home, bring dog to pee/ shit)
1845: mum-time (bring mum for dinner/ shopping)
2145: mum-time (come home, administer medication to her)
2200: self-time (watch tv, relax, work)
2230: dog/ bee time (bring dog to pee, meet bee @ car park if he is free)
2315: self-time (bath, work, relax, surf net, & watch porn too)
0100: sleep-time...

weekends
0830: self-time (wake up, wash up)
0840: dog-time (bring dog to pee/ shit)
0850: self-time (read newspaper)
0900: mum-time (bring mum to breakfast)
1000: housework/ mum-time (come home, housework, chat with mum)
1200: mum-time (bring mum out, for lunch, to temple, to visit bro, etc)
1600: housework/ mum-time (come home, housework, buy tea for mum)
1815: dog-time (bring dog to pee/ shit)
1830: mum-time (bring mum for dinner/ shopping)
2145: mum-time (come home, administer medication to her)
2200: self-time (watch tv, relax)
2230: dog/ bee-time (bring dog to pee, meet bee @ car park if he is free)
2315: self-time (bath, relax, surf net, & watch porn too, lol)
0100: sleep-time...

kinda routine... and if there are any deviations (eg to attend a dinner), lots of preparations need to be put in place or else, mum will go mental... but well, gotten used to it...

on repeat mode...

picture from http://funnyfunny12.no-ip.org