swimming pool toilets

i swim and/ or tan regularly and often enough i see some people hanging around in the toilet without swimming (judging by the fact that i see them in the changing room when i first arrive and when i finished my swim/ tan)... and i find it rather disturbing actually.

i cannot make sense of how these people could change into their swimming trunks, apply suntan oil, and continue to stay in the changing room, do sit-ups, stretches, stand on their toes (yes, stand on their toes! think it's their version of stretching their calves), etc... work up a sweat, strip, shower, and then put on their trunks again and then continue to do their stretches, sit-ups... and the process repeats. there was once where i saw this guy doing stretches that only a ballet dancer or a contortionist could do... he was like holding up his foot like a ballerina and the other foot almost tiptoeing. and considering he is doing this in the swimming pool changing room, it's quite weird. but he went on and on...

and the interesting (or sad?) part of it all was that many of these men are not what you and i would refer to as dirty old men or doms. they are actually in their 30s!

watch james

well, the watch james refers to james chua - a good friend of mine. not that james aka james my ex :-) anyway, decided to sms watch james earlier to ask how he has been... soon enough, he replied telling me he had just returned from texas and had came down with a bad flu (`oh no! how terrible!' was my immediate thoughts) and guess wat?!? he was shopping - what he called retail therapy! soooooooo so so so soooooo typical lor... i mean, what other things can we do rite?! heh heh... :-)

anyway, we decided to meet up next month after his trip (again!) and after my studies. and he shared with me how he admired me - someone whom he considered to be already sufficiently well-endowed (he meant knowledge-wise...) - to be studying and improving myself! of cos my reply to him was - `ahem, of cos la, for someone who considers himself not so well-endowed down there, he should therefore try to be well-endowed up there lor...'

ha ha...

sweet pony & friends

raymond has been so sweet lately... he has been sending me smses asking about my studies, encouraging me, showing concern about my stress level and so on. cannot help but feel so pampered :-)

thanks hor pony!

and of cos, not to mention my other few friends who had given me rather pleasant surprises by texting me (or asking about me thru bee bee) too... never knew they also read my reflections here too. perhaps it is during such situations that one get to know who is quietly watching over you :-) so, to all my friends (you know who you are), thanks!

studying outside

finally i decided to do my schoolwork outside my home as i couldn't resist login into the net when at home... well, or so i thought... anyway, last night, i made a trip to t2 starbucks to do some writing. and today, here i am at olio parkway blasting away my keyboard. and it has been an interesting experience considering there are many people to watch and that the ambient noise is actually quite high... but surprising, i am able to concentrate on my work. and as of now, i am pretty pleased with my progress! so...

and guess what, last nite at t2 starbucks, i actually was itchy enough to get a wireless@sg account and here i am login into the net again at olio parkway!!! but well, at least in an outside environment, the tendency to surf non-stop is very much less and i have no choice but to observe some discipline not to go into gay sites (regardless of porn or not) :-) heh heh...

think i'll probably be doing more of such starbucky or oli-oli kinda studies in the coming weeks!

:-)

6 weeks

6 more weeks to go before i hand in my assignments and complete my masters! and in this 6 weeks, i have one more project to complete (by mid-mar), one end-of-module paper, and one critical inquiry paper to complete, both by first week april.

push on!

Lk's birthday

celebrated lk's belated birthday earlier with a bunch of uni friends and bee bee. korean dinner at novena square 2. foods not too bad. bu what was really fun was the fact that we spent quite a bit of time reminiscing about our childhood days and about cartoons and shows of the years gone by. and for once, i have friends who were able to sing jingles from `the little frog' (xiao qing wa) or adventures of little bao (xiao bao li xian ji), friends who totally understand and appreciate what you meant when you spoke of kampong life, of chasing chickens or getting chased by goose (bee bee was rather amazed by the fact that we actually chased chickens... and why we were chased by goose and not the other way round)!

amazing how there is this generation gap even between people in their late twenties (my bee bee and his friends) and people in our early forties! and i am saying this cos when i was with people in their late twenties, no one, not a single one could identify with all the characters of the shows that i was so fond of :-)

holidays 2008

ha... thinking of where i should head to for holidays this year. think i'll take a break sometime after my masters modules that will end in mid-apr and probably one more in nov/dec period when i clear leave before i officially retire from service... so, hmmm, wonder if i should head to ireland this year :-) such beautiful sceneries! i am sure bee bee would be so thrilled!

ps: ireland

finally watched p.s. i love you. decided to watch the show after the inspiring conversation with my friend that led me to blog about the title. it was a simple story i must say. rather touching and certainly made me tear a bit here and there. but what hit me most was the fact that the show - that brought the audiences to ireland and its lakes - reminded me so much of james.

james and i visited uk in june 2002. during that trip, we drove from london to windemere and in windemere, we climbed hills and took a ferry ride in the lake. although it was summer, it was real cold and my jacket was of no use. the water splashed onto my face despite the fact that i was seated on the second level of the ferry. james, on the other hand, enjoyed himself thoroughly. the experience, the feeling, the sights and the sounds are still very vivid to me. and it played up again during the scene where the three girls were rowing their boat in the lake amidst the vast space and surrounding hills of ireland. well, certainly brought back very fond memories.

anyway, i found the show rather warm and sweet and, to a certain extend, funny. and it certainly touched on the issue of moving on and coming to terms with oneself over the loss of someone dear. i could identify with the emotional roller coaster rides although the context of the cause was different. nonetheless, there are many similarities between a loss and a break-up. the process of moving on is the same, regardless of the context. it is about letting go, it is about acceptance, it is about closure, it is about starting all over again, positively.

personality from dressing

i attended an interesting career transition workshop over the last two days. a professional image consultant was engaged to share with us how clothing colours should be chosen to complement our skin tones and why dressing well is important when we go about job hunting. she shared with us that there are essentially four personality types - classic, natural, dramatic and romantic. and that these personality types can generally be discerned from one's dress sense. and how interviewers can easily size up one's personality once you walk into the interview room yada yada yada... (gee, i really think we give interviewers too much credit! imagine, the workshop facilitator even shared with us where we should look when questions were asked during interviews cos interviewers would know if we were lying [if we look upwards towards right] or telling the truth [if we look upwards towards the left])!

anyway, the image consultant went around looking at each and everyone of us and, from our dressing, gave us her views of what our personality are (i call it `guessing'). well, she got everyone right except me :-) she categorized me as `romantic' given that i had worn a well colour co-ordinated slim fit long sleeve shirt, nicely ironed tailored pants and colour matching belt & square tipped shoes. in short, i looked very trendy amongst all the other personnel from my organisation who attended the programme and were wearing simply tee-shirt and jeans (although i was not sure if i had looked more gay then trendy though! heh...) and she went on describing me as someone who is extroverted and would go around making friends and a person who is good at small talk, social animal la la la...

well, she couldn't be more wrong lo! if i were to categorize myself, i think i am more of the natural or the classic type. i had dressed up a bit more on that day as i know we would be covering on the topic of self-image... so... anyway, i concluded that it is easy to mask one's personality through one's dressing. for that matter, this very example showed how i was able to snook this so called professional image consultant :-)

of friends and family

since writing my entry on my dad and my brother, i have had several friends texting me or mailing me to ask if everything is ok. some even gave their views of the issue and advice me how i could go about solving this issue. but from these correspondences, i noted interestingly (from the angle of the questions and advices that came in) that each and everyone has interpreted the issue slightly differently. reflecting, i guess it was a case of each of them having different experiences with their respective families. as the saying goes, we are products of our experience. and with this different experiences, each and everyone has made certainly assumptions about the issue when they communicated with me. however, what was reflected in my blog had not captured with sufficient history and depth to allow one to fully appreciate the family historical baggage... and without this history, it is perhaps not easy to frame the extent of the emotions and the dynamics that runs deep amongst my parents and all siblings today - the so called `politics' within the family.

i do really appreciate all the advises that came in altho there are many a times i personally felt my personal space to make my own decisions had been intruded upon and views imposed. and on several occasions, i may have sounded rather curt when i replied. nonetheless, i can understand that it is with good intent that these messages came through. i mean, why would anyone bother to text/ mail me at all for my family business has nothing to do with them right? and to me, the answer is very simple - it is because i am their friend and in communicating with me, they hope to be able to give me some views and advice so as to help me manage this issue.

so, to these friends, thanks for sharing your views. they are very much appreciated. and do excuse me if at any one time, i had sounded unfriendly for it was not intended.

youth olympics 2010

i was in the middle of class when a very short sms came in from lk "we won the bid to host the 2010 yog!" it read. i couldn't contain the excitement and stopped my lecturer in the middle of her sentence and announced it to the class... even my lecturer was very excited by it :-)

it was a real wonder to see how such events bring people together - both from singapore and from the region too. to me, the win reflects not just singapore's success but rather, asean's success as a whole for it will be the first time that an olympic game will be held in south east asia... and looking at the channelnewsasia website and the responses from readers, i do certainly see people from around the region such as malaysia, the philippines and indonesia posting to indicate their excitement and to extend their good wishes to singapore.

so exciting! let's make it happen and let's make it good!

:-)

spurs

finally went to see a specialist yesterday about my frequent neck problems. i was diagnosed to have a tiny spur growing on my vertebra c5-c6. this spur had apparently been caused by my cervical spondylosis problem. the consultant advised me to start some physio so as to strengthen my neck muscles and to also start taking vitamin b complex. according to him, the spur is small and it is still not advisable to remove it surgically altho this would be something i might have to think about say 10-15 years time.

also, for my knees, he asked that i take glucosamine so that the joint can heal and that i should also do some strengthening so that the pain can be better managed...

am glad i decided to get a second opinion for i was quite irritated by my workplace mo who keeps telling me that it is `usual' to get such aging pains and that he cannot do anything about it. finally, at least i get an answer and a closure to all these years of pain.

my (ex) brother

the reason why i inserted the word (ex) before the word brother was the fact that he had acknowledged yesterday that he does not regard me as a brother anymore. anyway, what happened yesterday was that, after receiving a letter from the police about nuisance calls to 999 from my home phone, i smsed my brother to help me talk to my dad. in my sms, i indicated that i am at my wits end and that i have given up advising him already.

my brother's replies took me by surprised - he went something like - how can you give up on your parents? you treat your friend well and you give up on your parents. and he went on about how i should treat my family better, how siblings are the only ones i can trust, how friends are only after my money and stuff and so on... his following strings of sms went to the extend of threatening to come to my house to `sort it out with me', and that i had better own up if i am gay and that everyone already knows about it and that he would announce to the world about it and that i need to seek psychiatric help and so on and so forth. it was most unexpected. and all these hostility started from his wrong interpretation of my two words - given up. nonetheless, being a hard header person that he is, once he gets angry, there is no more reasoning possible.

my responses to each and every sms of his was very controlled although i was visibly upset by his hostile responses and chiding me for things not related to what i am asking him to help. then again, i told him to dissociate my purpose of asking for his assistance to my sexuality and told him that if he feels comfortable telling `the whole world' i am gay, he should go ahead for i am pretty fine with it. it was ironic that despite telling me that my siblings are the only ones i can rely on, he had outrightly not helped me.

his smses kept coming, strong, fast and furious and each one laced with all sorts of allegations about how i have failed as a brother and how he has changed and that he is not the person he used to be etc... and how it is no big deal to him that (in his words) he do not see me as his brother anymore and that i should stop contacting him further. i guessed all the years of pent up anger came through the sms yesterday. all his inferiority complex, all his insecurities, everything!

the whole sms episode occurred as i was standing at my house car park and i just stood there frozen. by the end of this string of smses, i was visibly upset and decided not to head upstairs to my house. so i started my car and drive off - not knowing where to go. by then, bee bee was already with me. and he decided to buy me a good dinner at prego to cheer me up (works all the time!)

reflecting on the whole issue during my drive to town, i kinda conclude that if there is one single thing that came out of this unpleasant episode was that i came out to my brother. at least i do not need to pretend he does not know anymore. the fact that he does not want to acknowledge me as a brother anymore is quite immaterial to me for we do not talk often in our lives and that we have lived separately since 10 years ago. it's a state of mind kinda thing if you know what i mean. so, if it helps him move on and better manage his life with the knowledge that he had severed ties with me, so be it. it does not change the price of anything. afterall, we each have our own lives to lead. i also do not blame him for his perception of me for he sees and know me through me dad's eyes for the last many years. and i can only imagine all the sorts of stuff my dad had told him given that he always interpret my advises as restrictions. well, so be it. my conscience is clear.

as long as he is happy. i know i am.

by the way, why does this thing happen now after all these years?... the `year of the rat' curse for horses like me? heh heh... so, it helps to see things from the bright side i guess :-)

managing my dad

it's been getting harder and harder to manage my dad these days. he has bad habits and it is impossible to change them... have tried all sorts of way and it's been futile. and his bad habits get onto people's nerves and often it ended up on my lap for me to answer. for example, he likes to spit out of the balcony, brings the dog out for long walks and unleashes her, he eats ang ku kueh and throws the banana leaf base out of the balcony, he throws pieces of scrap paper out of the kitchen window, and so on and so forth... and then, i would get complains.

to top it off, he'd lie and deny all those things he'd done when i asked. and when i show him proof, he'd swear blind he did not do it... all these despite seeing it with my own eyes.

he also cannot take advices. for example, despite having incessant cough, he continues to drink cold tea, something that all in the family had advised against, at least temporarily till his cough stop, he wouldn't listen. similarly, he would eat and eat without due considerations to his weight. it is not possible to convince him that he should manage his weight. his reasons, has always been that he is diabetic and needs to eat. but soon enough, i realized this is an excuse... how do you explain eating a huge bowl of noodle, claim he is full, then slurped another packet of nasi lemak, then eat bread? all within an hour? and when asked, his reply is - "oh, got food so i eat lor"... and through chinese new year, he'd munch away all the oranges, cookies and bak kwa. not giving a hoot about his cough or the fact that he is diabetic. last month, i bought 600 grams of li kiam (preserved plums) and he finished them all within a week!

he's a medicine lover. has been taking all sorts of medication by himself through his life to the extend that his liver stopped functioning in 2000. he is lucky to be alive today. yet, he did not learn his lesson. he would often utter all sorts of expletives when he goes to the doctor and not get the amount of medicine he expects to get. and he'd sleep through the day and stay up whole night coughing, watching tv, play with the dog, eat and so on. and then he would go to the doctor to complain of insomnia and ask for sleeping pills. and really, i was upset when the doctor concluded that he is suffering from depression and told him that he needs to be referred to psychiatrist without even checking his sleep habits. talking about staying up at night, he would call my brother through the night and chat with him over the phone.

yesterday, i received a letter from the police telling me that there have been silent calls to `999' over the last 2 months and that some of the calls occur as early as 4plus in the morning. not sure how i can manage this and smsed my sis and brother to help. not easy and certainly i don't feel good having to tell him off once a while. decide not to talk to him about it anymore as his mentality now is that i'm trying to restrict him. also, i'll probably explode if i do engage him in any talk at this point in time.

he is 76 year old. an old man. but then again, this has to be managed. and i am really at my wits end now.

slowing down

i will probably be slowing down my blog entries over the next month or so... depending on my workload. still, i do appreciate the occasional comments and smses. keep them coming. keeps me going...

coincidentally, my final major assignment is about blogging and how it has been used in higher education.

:-)

ps: I love you

this post has been inspired by & has been written & dedicated to a dear friend.

catchy title of a show that is showing now. perhaps, i'll see it :-) but certainly, i wrote this title for different reasons la... only those who are in the know will understand what i am talking about. it's funny how love can sometimes make a person yearn for another so hard that he/ she would do silly things. things that sound totally out of the world and illogical to by-standers. but that i would suggest, is the very essence of what makes us alive, pushes us and that defines us so distinctly as human.

and the funny thing is that such intense feelings does not only exist in the young, hot-blooded, hormone-charged teenagers or those early-20s. hormones know no age i guess. but i kinda conclude - do what you want, just make sure you are happy. of course implied and assumed in it is the moral boundaries that one should define (eg no killing, no lying, etc). live each day as tho it is your last. make it meaningful. enjoy the moment and make it worth the memory 5, 10 or even 20 years down your life. remember titanic? :-)

some live their lives to make good things happen, some live to make sure bad things don't happen. whichever way you live your life, just make sure you weigh your options, and then do it! most importantly - live it! and through the process, be happy about it.

ps: pse bring along tissue if you go watch the show...

group projects

been 2 weeks or so since i last posted. chinese new year is considered over after all the strings of visitors etc.

it's almost full-time (or rather, using all of whatever time i have other than work) into my final 2 modules assignments now. talking about assignments, i always dread going into group assignments cos there will also be one or two of those who would cock up your group's effort... it was the same last year where my group had the system designer lead pull out 2 weeks before due date as he wanted to do the project alone... and again it is the same this module where despite agreeing to the task allocation, one (the one who agreed to do the data entry and rule-designs) would bitch day and night about it and went to the extend of submitting half-baked products. when asked if he can improve on it, he even had the cheek to retort "you did not even do the data entry and rule design personally so i do not think you know the difficulty involved." his words reek so strongly of "you should do it before you can even come and talk to me about it"... what high-handed remarks and audacity! i design the question, you design the rules. and i thought that was the agreement... and despite that, i had already designed the rules for him and he just focused on data entry!

anyway, who cares about what he says, i'll take it upon myself to finish the product and submit it... and who cares that in doing so, i might be helping him score... what's more important is that i shan't let him jeopardize my opportunities to score well. anyway, managed to finish it over the last two days. he'll learn if he wants to, his loss and not mine. life's too short and has enough stress already. no need to get all these extra stress.

well, next week, will need to do a presentation, discuss another project proposal and do my write-up for my final paper. very tiring. but am kinda enjoying the load for it helps me push-on! and of cos, in return, i get to sleep very well... :-)

auspicious start

better put something new and auspicious as my blog title over the lunar new year period (all said and done, i think i better be safe and be pantang a bit, hmmmm, that my baba part talking and behaving) ;-)

anyway, have been busy busy busy and time really flies when you are busy!

cannot imagine that lunar new year is already here! and of cos, this time, a couple of days later, i'll be saying - wah... lunar new year over lo... all the efforts.... it happens every year. but the interesting thing would be that every time the lunar new year comes near, everyone (not only me) will get all flustered with all the preparations, the flowers, the cooking, the cookies, the tua-chai, and so on... guess that's the chineseness in us :-) and thank goodness, this year, bee bee was around to help in the housecleaning too! and today, it's cooking the chap chye, the kong bah, the curry chicken and so on for reunion dinner... same dishes for reunion dinner yearly but it is this routine and tradition that defines us as a family and familiarity that we look forward to yearly on such a significant occasion!

it's gonna be a busy new year for me. hosting my immediate family on the first day, cooking and hosting all my paternal side relatives on the second day and my friends on the third day. and yes, sapphie is getting all excited about the sudden burst of colours around the house and of cos, her red red ribbon that she wears around her neck during the lunar new year every year.

anyway, have used red for this post in view of the new year and i also wish all my friends and those of you who visit my blog a happy, healthy and abundant year ahead!

:-)

brain dead

took a day leave to do my research and to catch up with my readings. and it turned out worst than i had expected. you see, my supervisor had given me a stack of papers to read and to review and i had assumed that they are well coded and categorized... realized today that they are not and i had to go thru the net to search for the soft copies. and after that, it was a case of slowly organising them and sifting out the details... one whole day and i completed less than 6 papers (out of the 14). and i was told i need to try to search for 20 - 30 articles for my assignment. so, it's gonna be a huge task to search for them, code them, summarise them, do the literature review, and then to write up the review of research...

all to be completed by mar 08!

and this is only one of my two modules!

and oh, did i mention that i also need to complete my research proposal and post it by tomorrow for online discussion and to do a presentation in two weeks' time?

arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!

9th & 10th modules

realized that this time round for my 9th and 10th modules, i somehow cannot find the focus to do the readings and the writings! and it is really making me irritated!

atm

went to the atm last evening to draw some cash... pressed my secret pin, pressed the amount i wanted to withdraw, waited for a while, took the card and walked away... and left the machine beeping non-stop... the couple standing behind me had a shocked face... i walked away...

and i wondered why the machine did not stop beeping after i walked away... and next thing i knew, bee bee and my friends shouted at me... apparently, i had drawn my cash, but ended up walking away without removing my cash from the machine.... :-)

no wonder the couple standing behind me looked so shocked!

gay neighbours

interesting that last month, a gay couple moved into my block. their unit is one level above mine and their kitchen looks into mine.

the first indication that i have a gay couple as my neighbour was when i noticed 2 youngish `gay' looking men [ok, ok, call it my gaydar :-)] walking in the kitchen and one of them wore a sports cap. kinda weird to be doing that at home in the evening. anyway, i ignored that first encounter. a couple of days later, i noticed a huge group of perhaps 8-10 gaymen (this one i am dead sure... u don't need gaydar to sense them) walking in and out of the house. i concluded that they were having some sort of housewarming...

from then on, it has been interesting cos once a while, they would look into my kitchen when i am home. and as for me, i will be more aware of their presence. it's like cruising people from your own kitchen! and it was quite a weird feeling :-)

this aside, i am just glad that my neighbourhood has a couple more people like me :-)

fading away

i am not sure why, but somehow i find myself not as bothered nor do i think so much about james these days. perhaps it is a case of me going into my final phase (whatever that means...) of moving on. or perhaps it is a case of me getting pissed off with his coldness towards me. or could it be that i'm accepting that fact that we will never be friends if things go on like this. or perhaps it's just a case of me being so preoccupied with my life at this point in time. whatever the reasons, i am just less bothered about him and i do not think of him so often these days.

but one thing i am sure, he will forever be a very close part of me deep inside. & at this point in time, i am just so glad he is with jack and that they seem happy together :-)

chinese new year

at my age, chinese new year is not something i look forward to... all the housecleaning, all the fuss over that one single day of the year. very energy sapping. and i personally think the whole spirit of chinese new year has been diluted over the years. nowadays it is so bloody commercial, even all the cookies and decorations are sold in bulk everywhere! and things are so expensive too. it's no wonder why so many people prefer to keep things simple and just get away for a short holiday.

as a kid, chinese new year used to be a simple family affair where we would visit relatives and close friends, catch up with each other as well as to reflect on our past year. the making of cookies, kueh kueh, decor and so on used to be a very social affair where family members would come together to make. and the whole process itself would be so warm. and the value of it all lie in the process of preparing for the celebration as a family. i clearly remember how we would gather around the charcoal to roll freshly made love letters, or how we would gather to fill the batter base with cooked sweetened pineapple to make pineapple tarts.

somehow, all these have disappeared and in it's place, everything has become commercialised. it's all in the `instant' culture - instant cookies, instant decor, instant everything! all these, to my view are at the expense of the true spirit of togetherness and bonding...

anyway, this is what things are today. the day will still come. and i will still need to do the necessary preparations and cooking - on my own...

spring cleaning

it is so hard to spring clean when you constantly have dog fur flying around... enough to create a nice `carpety' feel around your house after a few days! well... anyway, think i better start doing some major cleaning... if not the floor, at least wiping the bed frame, washing the curtains, washing the bed sheets, wiping the walls, la la la... once a year affair. painful but necessary (don't ask me why, just necessary)... it's a habit. and to me, a good habit.

superstitions aside (which i don't think i am), the spring cleaning also allows me to get rid of unwanted stuff and consciously sweat the small stuff about cleanliness - at least once a year... it's a hygiene thing :-)

prancing dog

sapphie's eye has recovered and she is back to her usual self! prancing and playing again... very lively :-)

poor dog

sapphie's left eye got worst yesterday. it was so swollen she could hardly keep it open. and there was so much mucus formed around the eye it's rather scary. it was just so lucky that i was on mc too and that allowed me to bring her to the vet. it was interesting to see the vet administer the dye on sapphie's eye to check for lesions. thank goodness, no lesion was discovered and that her eye was ok. she has been given eye drops and anti-histamines to reduce her swelling and itch.

poor dog... :-(

my 301st entry

this is my 301st entry! and it is dedicated to my blog :-) never really appreciate the power of blogging until after sometime of blogging. to be frank, my blog started off as an attempt to maintain an e-diary in fridae in mid-2004. that was also when i was based in the states and was really bored. i needed something to keep me going. and so i started writing. and as i wrote, the habit kicked in and i continued to write more. sometime in mar/apr 2005, after derek was outed by our security office, i deleted all my e-diary entries. i was scared. i was afraid of being called up. but it was no used. little did i know that i was already being monitored as far back as 2004. i was eventually called up, questioned about my sexuality, questioned about my presence in the web and so on and made to sign a commitment to be responsible and so on... anyway, after things got settled after signing the commitment, i started writing again. this time, i was careful not to reveal my identity. eventually, i found fridae too restrictive in terms of the hci as well as the options for me to do up the page (the fonts, the aesthetics, the pictures, etc). also, i was pretty pissed off with fridae for imposing useless and unfair censorship guidelines on their members. i decided to migrate to blogger (blogspot) in 2006. i have stopped posting anything in fridae. decided on blogspot as i thought the interface is rather simple and straight-forward. the initial days were rather tough for i had to manually migrate most of my posts in fridae into blogspot. to ensure authenticity of the postings, i had to ensure the date and time of the postings were adjusted to capture the date and time of the original fridae post. it was not easy but i thought it was important to do so so that i can have an accurate reference point when i read it again sometime in future. i have since continued posting here. blogger has captured many good as well as not so good memories and has accompanied me through many of my life's experiences such as the difficult period with james, the period where i had to balance between su how and james, moving on, coming to terms with my break-off, how i was outed at work, the issues and difficulties i faced following this defining moment at work as well as about my family and friends. i started blogging in order to capture my life experiences. simple reason. this reason has somewhat deepened over the years. for as i blog and as i back-link certain issues to past blog entries, i was able to observe patterns - patterns of moods, patterns of experiences, and so on. and i asked myself why. my reflections led me to have a deeper understanding myself. this process of self-discovery is like finally seeing `what i do not know what i do not know'! this increased self-awareness also allowed me to better manage myself. it is ironic that when i wrote my self-intro, i suggested for readers to read my blog to know me, but in the end, i was the one who actually learned more about myself. and this motivates me to continue blogging :-) that, to me is the power of blogs.

sicko

couldn't really sleep the whole sunday night and was running a fever. yet, i felt cold. managed to drag myself off the bed. took a shower to cool myself down and went to work early yesterday. the feeling was one helluva weird during the drive... somehow something just wasn't right inside me, head spinning, stomach growling,... decided to take 2 painkillers after a quick bite of mee chien kueh, interviewed one of my student and after that i literally collapsed onto my office floor... think i fell asleep for 5 mins... it seemed forever, but i was literally hopeless during that 5 short minutes.

whole body was just too limp and weak and boy was it painful... the kind of day-after-a-super-heavy-gym workout kind of pain coupled with headaches. anyway, managed to do some reading, printed some articles for my assignment and then attended lessons... couldn't take it after lunch, reported sick and was given 2 days mc. suspected food poisoning and symptoms of flu.

nonetheless, i went back to the classroom and stayed till about 4 before giving up...

this, by the way, is my 300th posting in my blog... perhaps, i'll write something about it later :-)

sapphie's swollen eye

sapphie's tick-infestation has certainly been under control after all the medication and the daily picking. also, bought a new vacuum cleaner to vacuum the house. still, i was able to find a couple of them stuck onto her body daily. two days ago, i noticed her pawing (using her paws to scratch) her left eyes furiously. and when i check the fur around her left eye, i found one stuck onto her lower eyelid (the pointed corner near her nose)...

and the poor dog, after all the pawing, now has a swollen and blood shot red left eye :-(

pressure

things are piling up... but i guess the worst has yet to come, judging from the schedule that has been provided. so much to balance between work and studies now. both modules are expecting very high degree of commitments in terms of time and energy. will need to submit one assignment and one proposal of paper next week!

well, but looking on the bright side, time pass very fast... and gee,... it's already mid-jan!

333 days to my leaving the organisation.

... buts of t3

well, my previous post states how super duper solid the new terminal t3 is. of cos, there are some things that one reeeeaally ponders about... and they include:

• why are the car parks not fitted with vacant lots auto-indicators? you know - those green and red lights above the lots... considering the fact that the terminal prides itself to be so so technologically advanced?

• why does one get a very `vivocity-feel' when one enters the basement 2 food-court? and ooohhh, the price of the food are really over-inflated!
  

• what was that propeller structure all about? rotating away quietly...
  

• i also cannot help but noticed those super duper huge toilet signs all over the place! seemed so disproportional in terms of the size and numbers compared to other signages. it's like as though visitors to the airport all has some form of loose bladder controls

• ultimate of it all was - can they not think of better and more creative names for the road? imagine - a road called "t3 arrival drive"! phwoah! how much more uncreative can they get!?

beautiful t3

visited the new terminal couple of days back. amazed with the simplicity of the whole design. yet in the midst of this simplicity lie the complexity of the infrastructure... :-) very well thought through and simply blows one away!

certainly very high wow factor!

photograph taken by sha

patches

so happy to be able to get a soft copy of this song called `patches' from bryan :-) it was such a beautiful but depressing song. as a young teenager i would romanticize the love and felt sad and how the affair ended... but today, as i took a relook at the lyrics, i kinda thought `too bad they didn't have handphones at that time, else, they could have called or sms each other... for that matter, if they had internet, they could have msn/ chat with one another; or even webcam and have cybersex in the privacy of their rooms'

lol! :-)

patches (by lee dickie)
down by the river that flows by the coal yards.
stands wooden houses with shutters torn down
there lives a girl everybody calls patches
patches my darling of old shanty town

we plan to marry when june brought the summer
i couldn't wait to make patches my bride
now i don't see how that ever can happen
my folks say no, and my heart breaks inside

patches oh what can i do
i swear i'll always love you
but a girl from that place would just bring me disgrace
so my folks won't let me love you

each night i cry as i think of that shanty
and pretty patches there watching the door
she doesn't know that i can't come to see her
patches must think that i love her no more

i hear a neighbor telling my father
he said a girl name of patches was found
floating face down in that dirty old river
that flows by the coal yards in old shanty town

patches oh what can i do
i swear i'll always love you
it may not be right but i'll join you tonight
patches i'm coming to you

ticks

sapphie has been infected with ticks in the recent few weeks. and everyday, as i comb through her fur, i would invariably find 4 - 5 ticks (both the soft and the hard type) and somehow i just couldn't get rid of them despite putting on the tick collar and frequently changing her pee spot. yesterday was quite the ultimate when i saw a humongous blood gorge tick clinging onto the living room wall - very still, apparently, full after a good meal!

and today, it was the ultimate of all ultimate possibilities with ticks... i had the greatest and most goose-pimply experience... i was doing my routine of checking her body fur and decided that i should check her nails... when i took her paws and check her nails, i saw no more than 7 - 8 super duper huge ticks between her fingers... and when i tried to pull them out, what i saw was together with each one super huge tick (the soft engorged ones) were another 2 - 3 hard ones - all biting onto the same spot apparently! and one by one, i pulled them out and the whole thing was such a bloody messy affair! i was really lucky that sapphie is really tame and actually stayed still as i pluck the ticks out one by one.

eeeeeeeeeeee...... even typing this makes my hair stand! cleaned her up and quickly made my way to the pet shop. bought the anti-tick medication to spray on her as well as to drop on her back. i hope the extra and intra-body treatment helps!

my poor dog...

good start

been an interesting first 2 weeks for 2008. apart from the commencement of a new course in my college that i am teaching, i have also started 2 new modules in nie. at the same time, i am putting in effort to start my exercise routine and to also attend the career transition programme. what this all mean was that over the last 2 weeks, i have been terribly busy, leaving house at about 6.40am and returning home no earlier than 10-ish almost every evening.

my students comprise a good mix of people whose age range from 31 to 43. it had been an interesting two weeks with them. guiding them through team activities, team building, visioning and so on. over this short period and intense team-building activities, i have observed how their awkward, cold, courteous and rather impersonal interpersonal dynamics (that arises from the differences in their culture and life experiences) transform to one that is more warm and open. lessons proper will start next week onwards and it will be interesting to see how they continue to work and learn with one another and to further their team bonds. it will be an exciting experience to see the bonds develop :-)

for my studies, the two modules are real killers. both require extensive research, analysis as well as paper writing. and that means that the following 13-weeks will probably see me spending a lot more time and perhaps sleepless nights doing my assignments! well, considering these are the last 2 modules before i graduate, i better be a bit more focused and disciplined :-)

i have also officially informed management that i intend to leave my organisation this year. and i am also putting a bit more emphasis to attend networking events and to keep a look out for employment outside my current field of work. if all go well, i will probably ask for early preparation to seek employment outside from june onwards. nonetheless, i am keeping my options open. if i am not able to get a new job by june, i still have the option to staying in my current job till dec this year.

these hectic activities mean that time will pass very quickly, just like it did the past two weeks. it also means that the time available with my parents and bee bee will be affected. i will have to see how i can perhaps do more things with bee bee more often and spent a bit more time at home over the weekends.

2008 has been good and exciting to me so far. 2 weeks down. 50 weeks to go :-) hmmm.... why am i counting down? perhaps i just want this year to quickly pass... 2009's theme will be - a new beginning - by default i guess. and well, i am pretty much looking forward to it!

supplementary card

i had finally called uob to terminate the supplementary gold card i had applied for james - two years after he moved out.

exercising

decided to increase my exercise regime from this month. realized that one's waistline grow faster than one's age after 40! and i am glad i have friends who are fully supportive of this :-) just last evening, lk called me up and suggested heading for a run at east coast. the 4.5 km covered (together with su how) was certainly a very good work out.

of course, my feet hurt like hell after all the run. but i guess the pain will go off after sometime. the feet needs time to get use to this punishment :-) and i am sure this is one of the most effective way to maintain my health and bmi!

for the sake of beauty... eeeeeee, so gay hor? :-) lol.... ok, health too!

9th & 10th

obtained my results last week for my 7th & 8th modules. obtained an `a' and a `b'. well, not too happy nor proud about the `b', but what the heck, considering all the work-school-life demands i had to balance during the last two modules, i guess the grades are justified :-)

will start my 9th module today and my final and last module tomorrow. the coming 3 months will be most demanding for me. but well, it will go, just as it has arrived. bring it on!

:-)

justin

had a most amazing exchange of mails between justin over the past couple of days. through these exchanges, we have probably revealed more about ourselves more than what we covered in the several years we were together during our school days.

and i am truely happy to know that he is happy and contented!

eugene & dan

met up with eugene and dan for tea over the past weekend. pleasant tea and nice time catching up. there was a time when eugene had envied how james and i had got a long well and how he wished he could find a good partner to settle down.

now, he is happily settled down with dan and this year will be their seventh year together. happy for them. and i sincerely wish that they will be happy for many many years to come!

laughter

i cannot recall when was the last time i had a hearty laugh...

thoughts about 2007

tis will be my last post for 2007 and i have decided to pen down some thoughts about the year. overall, i would call 2007 a year of foundation laying.

family
on the family front, things have been relatively quiet and peaceful. for their age, my parents had been rather healthy this year. nonetheless, it was obvious that their age are catching up and that their health are deteriorating. my dad's hypoglycemia has not stopped and had recurred a couple of times. however, with the familiarity of the drills of managing the condition, things have been rather stable. in addition, he has also gotten weaker and less mobile over the last two months and have fallen down a couple of times. as for my mum, she too has had her share of falls and minor accidents. i can also see that she is getting on with age and apart from getting more immobile, her eyesight has worsen.

friends
have made quite a few new and nice friends this year and they have been a source of encouragement to me many a times. to these friends of mine, thanks. as for my long time friends and kakis from my tribe/s (borrowing a word from a very dear friend of mine), things have remained stable. also had the chance to get to know willie much better in the last couple of months and i must say the time together had been most meaningful to me. the get-togethers to celebrate birthdays, attending of wakes (of my friends parents who had passed on) had remained constant. and i must say that i have entered the phase in life where one would attend more wakes and funerals than say weddings and one-month old birthdays.

health
apart from the small scare of hearing loss in mid-07, i have generally been healthy in 2007. there were of course issues of high cholesterol, neck, ankle and joint pains associated with my cervical spondylosis, cmp and ankle problems, but i do consider them to be routine issues associated with the aging process.

work
the work-front had been somewhat mixed this year. the expected stability in work environment in my second year posting did not last due to a change in management and my immediate boss in mid-07. the change brought about lots of tensions and upheavals to the college and culminated in quite a bit of uneasiness during the retreat. i have not allowed my arrangements with my security department to affect my work although my clearance had impeded me in executing some of my tasks. nonetheless, i am not complaining. it helped lots to see things from the angle of `it's their loss' rather than `i am being discriminated'. what was most importantly for me this year was that i have started my career transition process. apart from embarking of a career transitioning programme and attending networking events, i have also started my masters programme. thus far, i have completed 8 out of the 10 modules and i should graduate in mid-08. with the networking and a bit more effort in job-finding, i hope to be able to transit smoothly to my next career by end-08.

personal life
other than the one big bout of arguments in perth (jun 07), things had got along fine between su how and i this year. we have both supported each other well thru the whole year, both in terms of work as well as studies. next year, we will both graduate from our respective courses and transiting to a new career so it will likely be a challenging period for both of us.

apart from the worry and scare i got when he underwent his appendicitis op in apr this year, things between me and james remained similar. he had remained cold to me. sometime middle this year, i had suggested meeting up for a meal but he refused saying that he is still not comfortable and that our interactions should remain functional. smses have been my only form of correspondence with him and as per last year, he had chosen to either reply my smses late or not reply at all. was very frustrating and often find it affecting me. i also noted his deliberate attempt to not wish me happy birthday and not bring sapphie for his family annual christmas get together. he had indicated that he will move his things out of the house, but until he does so, it remained in the room as well as the storeroom.

i had just celebrated my 41st birthday about a week ago. a quiet affair. somehow, as i head into my 40s, i do sense myself getting more reflective about life and perhaps a little numbed too, so much so that i seemed to have lose interest in the happenings in life itself. nothing seemed to excite me these days. perhaps it is a case of being jaded or a case of building a wall around oneself as a form of protection. perhaps. anyway, i do not know why and neither do i care anymore. i had a talk with kwang two days ago and it struck me how well i was able to relate to the things she shared - about career change, about health, about aims (or the lack of it), and so on. perhaps this is what mid-life crisis about. anyway, the year is coming to a close.

on the whole, i would say that 2007 has been rather smooth and quiet for me. i have started the foundation laying for the transition that will happen in 2008. i am now looking towards 2008 with a bit of apprehensions considering the many things that will happen for my studies as well as my work transition. when i was in pri 5, a fortune teller predicted that 2008 would be a challenging year for me and that i may be faced with a life threatening situation. well, not sure how to interpret this prediction, but looking at the things that can possibly happen, i dare say that it is gonna be challenging. but well, come what may, i believe i can manage.

replied edwin and schneider's sms earlier that i will not be heading to the countdown. somehow, i find myself getting more and more afraid of crowded places. unless i get any last minute invite to a new year count down at someone's place, i'll most likely be asleep when the clock strikes 12 tonight :-)

good bye 2007, bring it on 2008!

world peace

it's amazing how some words/ phrases came across as frivolous and cliche when i was young(er) but has in recent times meant so much to me.

couple of days back (on 26 dec to be exact), while taking a stroll along the esplanade after watching the wonderful performance by king kong jane, i was asked by a lady manning the new year celebrations booth to pen my wishes for the coming year (both on the ball as well as on the golden coins hanging along the sidewalk). and my first response was - do i need to pay? :-) and after some quick thoughts, i penned down `world peace'.

two simple words. but they really capture what i really hope for at this point in time. peace for all mankind. amongst people of all races, religion, sexuality, and so on. everyone living with each other, peacefully.

birthday & christmas

it was a simple birthday cum christmas dinner. had threatened su how that i will walk out of the dinner if my friends sing a birthday song that i eventually managed to have a simple dinner that i had wished for. something simple. something quiet. no frills.

and we went to watch i am legend after the dinner. didn't find the show good, but nonetheless, watching with friends during christmas made it very meaningful affair. thanks my friends.

:-)

around the world

recently changed my passport and decided that i should do a count of trips made in the last 10 years (up till jun this year & not inclusive of those made almost annually under diplomatic arrangements /not reflected in my passport). also, added on a few more made from jun - dec 07 and 1997 where i can clearly remember the places i visited :-) need to target towards visiting middle east, south america, south asia and more of europe to complete my globe-trotting!

2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)

2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)

2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (florida, new york, illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat)

2002
jun - england (london, oxford, etc)

2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia

2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)

1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

i see dead people

last two days were pretty interesting. i seemed to see more things associated with death and accidents. two days ago, within the span of 20 hours, i passed by/ saw at least 4 road accidents along the highways (2 on ecp, 1 on pie at eunos towards city & 1 towards airport at bedok reservoir). the last one was most drama as it involved some 5-6 cars and i believed there were at least one dead. yesterday, saw 2 accidents. and today, apart from a police `orh-cjia' (`black vehicle' or vehicle where they fetch/ collect dead people from crime scenes), i also saw a car overturned and crashed into the bushes along bukit timah road... wondered if the driver died...

and thinking about all these, it also reminded me about how fragile life is. i was reminded of it again when i drove passed a spot at my workplace this morning. on the road near this spot 3 weeks ago, i saw a dead squirrel that had been ran over by a car and left to die on the road. when i saw the poor thing, it was already dead. apparently the impact of the car had pushed one of it's eyes out of the socket. i picked up the dead squirrel, placed it below a bush and said a simple prayer. this incident reminded me of the pigeon that died in 2004. anyway, since then, whenever i pass that spot, i would take a look at the carcass. and i had noticed how it slowly decomposed, how the flies and ants came and eventually cleared the carcass. today, i cannot even find any traces of it.

these things reminded me so much about transient nature of our existence and the unpredictability of life. one day, i will also die and return to the earth. once again, i am reminded that i should live each day as if it is my last.

music

i received this image from a friend of mine. not too sure of his sexuality but i all i can say is that this image is really very gay. or is it just me?

(click on the image to see the animation)

back to work!

it's back to work tomorrow... so depressing.

and that also means having to update my security department about where i went for my holiday, who i went with and how long i was away. sighs... so tired of this drill. but i guess i have fulfill my obligation to do so.

one more year of slogging and prostitution. come to think of it, this is the last christmas for me in this current job. next year this time, i will be working in a new company. and that means financially, i may not be so stable...

but well, am looking on the bright side. am getting a bit tired of the break too. mentally, i have rested enough and i really am looking forward to using my brains again. and come the new year, i will have a new batch of students, new friends and new challenges!

old & young

this post is inspired by a friend of mine and i dedicate this post to this friend of mine. you know who you are :-)
do you agree with the following statement?

"in a relationship, it is the older person who tend to take on more heartaches... especially if the age gap is a huge one."

some reasons as to why this is so:

• the older person are usually more stable financially, so he would usually be in the forefront when it comes to paying for things.

• the older person tend to put himself in front of the younger one when it comes to protecting him, and in the long run, suffers the consequences.

• the older person would usually be the provider (father, mother, brother, sister and maid) for the younger person; who may, in turn, tend to focus more on his own life/ career, etc. not his fault, just the nature of life's development. that is to say, differences in life's stages forces one to be the provider and the other the receiver.

• there will be a certain degree of differences in the maturity of both persons. and i for now can understand that wisdom really comes with age.

• often, there would be a natural tendency for the older to feel threatened due to age differences, and it is not easy for the younger to necessary appreciate the feelings much less to be able to manage this insecurity.

• the older person will risk being accused of being condescending by the younger person. on the other hand, the older person will have a higher tendency to feel he is not being sufficiently understood by the younger person.

• there is a higher tendency for the younger person to assume the older person is more stable and be the provider and expect more from the older person in terms of emotional, financial needs and so on.

• there is a higher tendency for the younger to take the older person for granted.

• there is a gap insofar as the energy level of both are concerned and this will cause a strain in the ability to socialize, to party, to stay up late and so on. not the fault of anyone, just a natural outcome of biological changes to the body due to age differences.

a friend recently mentioned that a relationship involving an older and a younger person will not work simply becos of the differences in life's stages of both parties. a quick response would be that yes, it is quite true based on the many points written above. then again, what i have written above are of course, coming from the angle of the older person. i believe that the younger person would have his own set of tensions with the older person too - let me live my life, stop sounding condescending, etc. perhaps it is a matter of perspectives. we always see things from our own perspective. it is natural for one to see himself as a victim of circumstances.

but reflecting on, i think it is a matter of good communication (again, this is a challenge if you ask me, for example, the older person need to constantly be sensitive to the age gap - where is the line between sounding condescending vs giving advise?) and the willingness of both parties to give and take. however, if one does not want to give in and stick to his own point of view; and for that matter, becomes self-centered and takes the other person for granted, the relationship will never work. if that is the case, better get out of it quickly, don't hold on to it and hope that things will improve over time.

hope is never a solution.

and oh, once the relationship is called off, the younger will continue to grow into his prime while the old would have missed his prime altogether... and this, perhaps, will be the largest heartache the older person have to live with for the rest of his life. such is the nature of the gay world where beauty is one helluva huge thing. holding onto hope will invariably mean that older one will learn his lesson too late. but having said all these, i still think it can work becos i have friends (both straight and gays) whose age gaps with their partners/ spouses are at least 10 years difference and also of my own personal experiences in relationships.

do i sound contradicting?