dreams of mum

for some strange reasons, i have been dreaming of mum lately. cannot really recall most of the dreams but only that she was in it. and most of the time, she did not talk except one or two as follows:

• i was at the edge of a huge water body (sea? top of waterfall?) and i dare not jump in, but a voice (mum?) told me not to be afraid and just jump in and swim. i did that and i found myself gliding in the water. it felt wonderful to be able to do that. i was swimming (or gliding) freely and i could go underwater and above it so effortlessly. and there were also a couple of occasions where i swam all the way to the edge of the water body, and i literally saw it fell into forever. it was just that high, but i was not dragged by the currents but managed to swim away from the edge...

• my second sis and i were helping my mum with her pants. she was a young lady in the dream, and we were trying to tie a string around her pants just above her knees. once done, we had to roll the edge of the pants up. for some reasons, that was the way it should be worn when mum goes to work (i know it's weird, but that's how it was in the dream). we had some trouble rolling up the edge of the right leg and could only do it after some tries. once done, we proceeded to roll the edge of the pants on her left leg. i even remembered vividly that i told myself i had learned something valuable...

that were the two dreams i remembered. the first occurred sometime last weekend and the second just two nights ago... i made no heads or tails out of it but... yeah, it just came and went.

infection

had just been discharged from the short stay unit (ssu) of the accident and emergency ward of the hospital.

it started yesterday morning when i experienced slight breathlessness, had chest tightness and felt giddy. i brushed it off as i attributed it to lack of sleep and continued to head to office. by lunchtime, it got to the point where i couldn't take it further and decided to ask my boss permission to head home to rest. things did not improve and my temperature started to shoot up and i began experiencing chills. that was when i decided to check in to the hospital a&e department.

i was placed on priority list and immediately had my ecg, x-ray and blood test taken. by then, i was already a total goner. i was shivering like crazy even as my temperature was high. the doctor saw me once the blood tests results were out and told me there were signs of internal infections but he needed to ward me for further checks to rule out the possibility of a heart attack. i was subjected to a series of 3-4hrly blood tests through the night and by morning, the results conclusively ruled out heart attack, dengue and malaria. the doctors had ordered tests for malaria as i had traveled to malacca over the weekend. with these ruled out, the doctors said the infection was most likely related to the acute urti (upper respiratory tract infection) that i am currently having. but to be safe, and to confirm there are no other heart-related issues, i had been referred for treadmill and cardiologist for follow up.

for now, have been given hospitalization leave until mid-next week.

time to take a good rest...

moody

just moody. 

too many things happening at the same time at all fronts but no one seemed to be interested nor bothered. consistent sleepless nights, nightmares, weird dreams, uncertainties, tensions, non-stop, never-ending. and i don't even know where to start to talk about it. and as of now, i don't know how to manage anymore. life as a whole is getting totally haywire... 

too much pent ups. and for too long too.

wtf.

mother's day

i felt rather mixed and sad when i get edms on mother's days' merchandise and advertisements being blasted non-stop on radio that suggests to listeners how they should celebrate mother's days. my mum was no longer alive. but of cos, i acknowledged the importance and key roles mothers play in our lives. so...

anyway, happy mother's day (a belated one nonetheless) to all mothers out there. and for those who still have one, go up to them and give them a kiss, or a tight hug. no need to say how much you love them considering how conservative most people still claim themselves to be, although that would be really nice. as for me, i only wish i could have another chance to do it. but that's just wishful thinking. am glad i did give my mum all the hugs she needed and i could give when she was alive. still recall vividly how i hugged her and teased her once a while while watching tv with her. and whenever i did it, she'd make some frivolous comments like "hiau". brings a smile to me whenever i think of it.

so for this year, i could only drop by her resting place and give her my wishes quietly.

melaka trip

bee and i headed up north to melaka (or 'malacca' in english) over the weekend. it was a short trip for bee to do his dvd shopping. as for me, there was really no major reasons why i wanted to go there other than to have a short get away. 

malaysia has not changed in any major ways since i last drove in about 3-4 years ago. if any, i think had stagnated. the place is just as disorganized and major road works that were going on since the time i last visited were still going on. amazing. i half-suspect there were politics at play behind the scene that made the process so slow. then again, as a visitor, it would do me a lot of good to just observe and be respectful. but one thing is for sure, the people are just as nice. still very warm.

and as for melaka itself, i personally think it has lost its old charm. and i suspect it is due to the wave of commercialization that followed after it was awarded the world heritage status. and i say that becos everything has become so artificial and, short of a better word, commercialized. hotels and shopping centres have sprung up everywhere, shops that used to sell their traditional chendol and local fares have disappeared and replaced by new shops that sells things like durian puffs, fermented tou fu, souvenirs, bad quality tee shirts, etc. really disappointing.

we drove back sunday morning. despite all the observation, it was not too bad a trip. 

velcro head

well, it's the fourth lunar month again and i've once again gone bald. this is my annual practice before vesak day. i thought it would be interesting to share some details here about being bald. here're some of them:

• my head feels like velcro. and i said so because whenever i try to dry my head after my shower, i will have the interesting challenge of trying to wipe my head. you see, i needed to move my towel long the grains of the little hair follicles. else, the towel will get stuck, similar to how you try to move a piece of clothe across a velcro tape.

• the same thing happens when i sleep at night. whenever i try to turn myself, my head will get stuck. not a very comfortable feeling cos it seriously feels like your head is lined with velcro tape and it gets stuck onto the pillow case. you have problem initiating the turn, and once you move, you will have this awkward "zzzzzeeeepppp" sound coupled with a rough feel of your scalp scrapping against the pillow case.

• your scalp gets sunburn. yes, you get sunburn at the most uninteresting but very obvious place. thankfully, for me, i don't get raw-looking red scalp these days. red heads are only for that head that is not to be seen in public. heh... and to make it even more interesting, when the sunburned scalp begins to tear, you end up looking like you have a big problem with dandruff...

• and being bald is high maintenance! you gotta shave daily. yes. or else, the hair will grow again and you will end up looking unkempt. i do know of guys that even shave their head twice a day - before work and before bed. so troublesome right? but well, for me, i didn't actually go skinhead-bald. i simply cut it as close to the skin as possible. and so, my head still had a grey tint to it. so... heh... 

• the positive side to having a bald head is that you save on shampoo. and certainly, to set record straight, you will still need shampoo even if you do not have hair. you need to clear your scalp of the oil it secretes. just that you need not apply too much. so, you save money... in a way.

some of my older colleagues are aware of my annual ritual and have not asked further. but for some of the newer ones, they'd ask me about it. and in response, i'll simply tell them that i was too tired i felt asleep at the barber. and the barner misunderstood my dozing off nods to mean i wanted a shorter cut whenever he asked if i want it shorter.

:-)

missing my mum

its been almost 6 months since she passed away, yet, i still have this habit to want to call her to tell her my whereabouts.

just to realise she's no longer alive.

i miss her.

still.

captain america: civil war

i watched this show in taipei. it was a saturday night and i was bored and dead tired. i had not had a good rest since 48 hours ago as i had deliberately deprived myself of sleep the previous night. and despite being shagged out, i didn't want to sleep. it was near midnight but to me, i considered it early. i was on a holiday after all. and one don't sleep early while on holiday right? i toyed with the idea of waiting to come home and watch the show with bee. but decided that i should just go ahead. i was alone and i wanted to kill time. and i reminded myself i was there because i needed a break and i needed to find my own space, do what i want to do for myself - only myself. and i should stop thinking about others. just do it.

and it was with this state of self-centredness that i proceeded to purchase the ticket for the midnight show. the cinema was somewhat old, a little small and despite being the opening weekend, it was only 3/4 filled. in that state of mind, i couldn't really think and ended up totally confused when the story started. there were too many flashbacks/ references to previous shows, i thought. and it didn't help that i was distracted constantly by this taiwanese bitch beside me that kept checking her facebook and answering her wechat during the show. damned it, if you want to facebook or wechat, you shouldn't be in the cinema in the first place. her actions just made me even more pissed off that night. a tired man is an angry man? haha... instead of kicking a fuss, i decided to change my seat. and it was then that i started to follow the show.

and there were just too many superheroes! on one hand, i got pleasantly surprised when "hey! another superhero appears", yet on the other hand, i couldn't help but go "oh, wait!? one more? oh man... i am getting confused... again...". but well, once i got used to it, it was actually quite fun. and i found it rather interesting how politics was layered over the superheroes. it didn't seemed right, but it reminded me how the concept of power is neutral and how power is only meaningful if applied in an enlighten manner. ok, i am not sure if i made sense here. anyway, i think i am also tired now.

shan't blog further. didn't want this to become a movie review anyway.

:-)

trip to taipei - overall

it was a trip born out of the need to kill my boredom. and as in all trips where i travelled alone, i focused my attention on the gay-side of things. checking out gaymen, and exploring gay places, and i think i have blogged about them in my previous entries. on top of that, there were also things in general that made the place so different from the norms that i am used to... here're some of them:

• the place is superbly energetic. lotsa people, and lotsa spontaneity. you get baskers, painters, street performers, etc. in singapore, things tend to be a lot more organized. people are not as spontaneous. to the point of being boring, if i may add. and i opined this is becos there is just no critical mass to sustain bottom up spontaneity.

• there are so many people, and so many nationalities. and the locals are so nice to everyone, regardless of nationalities. this is so different from singapore where people are increasingly xenophobic, and it's killing and strangling the place. i often suspect singapore's xenophobia is born out of insecurities as a small state, coupled with greed and self-centredness of its citizens.

• the place is superbly clean it's almost surreal. people bothered to take the responsibility to keep the place clean and are very conscious of their own personal habits. i can hardly find a rubbish bin around and often, i end up holding my rubbish until i can find a bin, which may be a long distance away. and it wasn't just me, in general, everyone did that. in contrast, singapore's cleanliness is becos there is an army of cleaners that sweep the place regularly. it's not born out of habits but staged. 

• people are considerate and polite. as an example, people actually queue up at the mtr and allow passengers to leave the trains before boarding, and they do not push. so unlike what i've experienced here. enough said.

• people are accepting of each other and coexist well. ok, at least that is what i experienced during my short few days there. i supposed the general homogeneity of the societal make-up helped. in contrast, it's quite normal to keep getting reminders of the need to steer clear of sensitive topics relating to, say, race and religion, and people don't feel comfortable with glbts. but well, we are progressing.

• and it's a huge place, relative to singapore, that is. i supposed the size mattered a lot. and this, perhaps was one major factor (apart from demography) that defined the differences between taipei/ taiwan and singapore. just look at my sentence, i had compared singapore with taipei and with taiwan... cos singapore's stark reality is that it is a city and a state.

it's a generally disorganized organized city, if you know what i mean. and that made taipei, and taiwan in general, a very interesting place to visit.

trip to taipei - day 4 outbound trip

i ended my taipei trip today.

woke up early, packed my stuff and left for the airport about 10-ish in the morning. my flight was 2.45pm and i was supposed to check in at 12.45pm. decided to give myself a lot of allowance as i navigated my way to the bus terminal. the bus journey itself was such a bore, no different from my inbound trip. when i reached the airport, i headed to the food court for my lunch and then i saw someone very familiar - the guy that was on the same plane as me when i came to taipei, the same one that travelled with the lady. he was dressed in the same clothes as the inbound trip except that he now donned a beret. anyway, it was not until later when i was at the check-in counter that he saw me. he looked surprised when he saw me and this time round, he gave me a half-smile. hmmmm... was that a "cruising-you"-smile or was that a "i-remember-we-were-on-the-same-flight"-smile? hahah... whatever the case, i returned his half-smile and joined the queue at the rear.

we didn't really meet until after we cleared the immigration and customs. i walked into the gatehold room and noted he was there with that lady friend. he was walking towards the toilet as i walked into the gatehold room, presumably to pee. once again, he was taken aback when he saw me and kept glancing at me as he entered the toilet. i pretended not to see him as i took my seat a few rows behind where he had placed his bags. when he emerged from the toilet, he went to his seat and sat facing me. again, i pretended not to see him although i knew he kept looking towards my direction. by then, i was quite certain he was cruising me. within 5 min, the announcement for boarding was made and i decided to take a leak before boarding. and guess what? less than 10sec after i walked in, he also entered the toilet! hmmm, and i thought he had just visited the toilet?! i had, by that time, completed peeing and was washing my hands. as for him, he stood at the urinal closest to me and just stared at me! anyway, i didn't respond and simply walked out. this whole "looking at me" aka cruising me openly lasted throughout the flight all the way back to singapore, even after we cleared the customs and walked out of the airport!

of cos, yours truly here felt flattered to be given such attention! 

:-)

trip to taipei - day 3 danshui

it was my third day in taipei and i had ran out of places to visit in taipei city itself. thus far, i had resisted visiting any saunas and it didn't make any sense for me to pay a visit to the sauna on this day too. really, if i had wanted to visit saunas, saturday and sunday nights would be more ideal, considering they had theme parties such as nude night, mask night, etc. once again, i googled "gay taipei" and this time round, i saw something that made me curious - gay nude beach near danshui.

i did another check on the weather forecast amd different sites mentioned different weathers - from cloudy to scattered thunderstorm. in the end, i decided to take a bet and headed off to danshui. this was one of the places i'd visit whenever i head to taipei. it was some distance from the city center itself and located at the river delta of northern taipei. the beach that caught my eye was shalun beach and it is located a short distance off the famous fisherman wharf.

i arrived at the danshui station about 12pm and it was very warm. got onto a local bus and in no time, i was at the fisherman wharf. from there, i navigated my way towards the shalun beach. head towards the end of the road, you will notice a lot of motorbikes parked there, walk into the trial and you will arrive at the beach, i remembered the directions mentioned in the web. everything was as described in the web and i arrived at the beach without much difficulties. what struck me when i first stepped onto the beach was that there were no hints of it being a gay haunt. in front of me lie a wide span of beach several km long and there were fishermen (and women), families, kids and for that matter, there was even a wedding shoot going on at a distance.

i walked further in and noted a sand wall with layer of vegetation nearer to the main road. it reminded me somewhat of the nudist beaches in florida. there were lotsa low wind-swept shrubs and amongst these wind-swept shrubs were little pockets of sandy patches. my intuition told me that this was where i could find gaymen. i saw little pathways leading into the vegetation and decided to walk into the vegetated areas. what i saw was so totally similar to what we had in fort road beach years ago. there was a labyrinth of paths inside the vegetation! i took a walk along the path and all too soon, a guy in bright orange g-string appeared and walked pass me! my intuition was right! no straight man would wear such swimwear much less, walk inside the vegetated areas. i walked on, and noted condom wrappers thrown onto the paths. these were tell-tales signs of sexual activities... 

i then walked out onto the sandy patches and within 2 minutes, i noticed heads popping out of the vegetation. i walked nearby and realised they were gaymen discreetly peeping from their little sandy patches, ever so careful about people approaching their little havens. it was really an eye-opener and somewhat surreal. gaymen tanning and frolicking in the sun, some in the nude, as families and children walked by just a short distance away. i decided against walking further and soon found my own spot where i just sat and watch people walked by. i didn't stay long and left after about an hour or so, i myself having gotten a nice tan.

it was indeed an interesting experience for me. there were so many similarities compared with the gay nudist beaches in florida, and of cos, the infamous fort road beach of singapore. and i am pretty sure the similarities/ convergence of characteristics has everything to do with factors related to the thrill of sex with strangers in the open amidst the lush greenery of the beach, and somewhere between voyeurism and exhibitionism. darned! thinking about it, i miss fort road beach!

:-)

trip to taipei - day 2 taipei city

i slept most of the day. only managed to leave the room at about 3pm.

i did a visual scan of the people around me in grindr and noted there were loads and loads of gaymen around the area. eye candies most of them but of cos, for this uncle here, i have no market value and thus could only ogle at the sweet young things in grindr. haha... but this was not gonna stop me from exploring gay taipei. did i google again of gay taipei and noted quite a few areas that gaymen frequent and decided to visit them.

so on this day, i walked all over the taipei city. and for once in my many 30-over times in taiwan, i did not enter any major shopping centers. instead, i decided i explored the areas less explored by tourists - gay spots, that is. once again, i walked around xmd belt and the little red house area. needed to grab a quick bite. and once done, i took the mrt to the 1914 cultural center. i timed it such that i arrived at the center about 7-plus. it was a nice creative place where there were lotsa young people mingling around, dancing, chatting, and just chilling out. there's this thing about taiwanese culture that one cannot find anywhere else. very chinese, yet very young and contemporary. it was a really energetic place.

i left the place around 8-ish and decided to walk to my next destination. it would be too early if i take the train, i reckoned. it was a slow 2km walk to daan forest park. this is a well-known park that was converted from a military camp and, over time, has become a gay cruising haunt, so i read from the web. when i arrived, there were many many joggers and families in the park. i guessed i was early but it didn't matter. it was a really good nice place to just sit, chill-out and people-watch. the weather averaged 22 degrees and it was really nice and best of all, there were no mozzies! and then soon enough, i began to see a couple of gay guys... as in everywhere else i know, gay guys are quite easy to spot. i am not sure if it's the local gay scene, but a few of them carried a water bottle as they walked - and it reminded me of fort road singapore! it was also interesting to see a potato queen walking with his caucasian friend (and they were very cute too!), complete with a pretentious american english slang! heh...

for some reasons, and unlike many gay cruising haunts, the few people i saw cruising there were in their 20s. very nice. i left the place about 10-ish and walked back to xmd area - it was a good long walk and passed by the chiang kai shek memorial, the presidential palace, the infamous 228 peace park (another gay cruising spot but i didn't stop by), before reaching xmd. walked a bit around xmd area again and ate some street food before heading back to my room. was totally dead beat by then. i had completed almost 14km that day...

trip to taipei - day 1 xmd

i arrived at taipei city at about 3pm. the bus journey itself was uninteresting. and as i was tired and sleepy, i ended up taking a quick nap. the bus journey ended at the taipei railway station and it started drizzling. i was surprise to find my google map actually working and navigated my way to the mrt. in no time, i arrived at xmd station and within 5min, i found my hotel. frankly, it's more of a walk-up apartment where all their rooms  were located on levels 5 and 6. mine a rather big room - it was a last minute deal - with a double bed and a single bed.

anyway, i quickly made my way out of the room and started my exploration. googled for gay places around me and started my exploration. walked around the areas around the little red house and saw quite a few shops with rainbow flags - bars, hairdressers, cafe for bears, two saunas, and so on. i didn't buy anything and simply people-watched. it was quite an interesting mix of crowd, considering there an open air fair that's going on at the same time and that attracted hordes of straight people and families. it started to drizzle once again and i decided to head back to my room for a nap.

it was about 7-ish when i walked out of my room. this time round, i decided to be a "normal tourist" and headed to the shilin night market. there was nothing gay about this place, just lots of people and everyone seemed curious about something and squeezing their ways through the small alleys lined with hawker stalls. these stalls sold anything from pig's blood to clothes and all sorts of accessories. i decided to just tugged into pineapples, beef cubes and cuttlefish... typical taiwanese stuff that all tourist will eat.

it was a tiring long day by the time i left shilin. arrived back at xmd at close to midnight and i decided to just stretch my night further. i went to watch captain america: civil war. heh... i must admit i contemplated heading to the sauna. after all, taipei is reputed to have some of the finest gay saunas in asia and from what i read in the web, saturday was nude night and it was mentioned in the web that one can expect cute young guys in the sauna! it was very tempting but i decided not to waste my money on saunas this time round.

i arrived back at my room about close to 3am...

trip to taipei - the inbound trip

i booked a place in ximending. wanted to explore the gay side of taipei and noted this is where most of the gay establishments are centered at. a quick google for "gay taipei" showed almost everything appearing in the xmd area...

my trip started interestingly. deliberately slept at 1am as i wanted to tire myself out. woke up at 5.30am was at the airport by 6.30am. as usual, i had my fillet-o-fish meal before boarding. was seated at row 14d by the aisle and thus was able to observe people as they boarded the plane. and all too soon, i saw two guys. not too tall and they look and behaved similarly. one of them looked rather cute, he reminded me of a young wangxi (wonghei) from hong kong - lean, tiny eyes... both had obviously been gymming, judging by how their biceps were bursting from their sleeves. and they were seated right in front of me! couldn't help but observe their every little movements during the trip. i think they are a couple, considering how one of them placed his head on the shoulder of the other at times.

anyway... another couple arrived. the lady looked normal, the type where you wouldn't be able to remember how she looked once you turned your head. comparatively, the guy was rather tall and well-groomed. i wondered if he's gay, that was my first thought when i saw him. they say across the aisle on my same row. i noted rather interestingly that the guy took the window seat instead of the lady. not very usual, right? they looked like a couple yet for some reasons, i don't think they were. there was totally no "couple" chemistry. instead, they reminded me of sia cabin crew, especially the guy (i suspected he's gay). i got my confirmation when we arrived at taoyuan airport. we were walking towards the immigration and i couldn't help but noticed how this guy deliberately walked behind the gay couple and as he walked, he kept visually scanning (and perhaps mentally raping them!). he was so obviously staring at them (esp the wangxi-lookalike) and literally moved his stare from head to toe and up again (roll eyes!), even as he kept his conversation with his lady friend. and when he saw the gay couple walked into the toilet, he quickly told the lady friend he needed to go too and before she could respond, he had gone into the toilet! haha...

this marked the start to my trip to taipei... with lots of time on my side, and being alone, i was able to notice things i had not noticed in my previous trips. indeed, there were lotsa eye candies, twinks, bears, cubs, jocks, etc. will write more soon...

trip to taipei - the decision

bee had yet again gone for business trip. this time, for a week plus to guangzhou and ningbo. and yet again, it coincided with a public holiday. 

so i decided to take my weekend overseas as i don't have anything to do in singapore. i will never need to visit my niece & nephew (despite missing them), and i don't want to stay through the long weekend alone at home... and for breaks overseas, the weather factor is very important to me - it must be cool, there's really no point going to another place where i don't feel i'm out of singapore. and judging from the weather forcasts, i didn't have much choice - cool but thunderstorns in hong kong and macau, scorching in chiangmai, sweltering hot in whole of malaysia, won't want to go guangzhou, and definitely not bangkok... darned! so i decided to head to taipei. there's some light drizzle but overall, forecasted to be nice and cooling.

to make the most of the long weekend, i applied for leave on tuesday too! thus, i have an extended 4-day break! 

:-)

long long time ago 2 (我们的故事2)

have never been a jack neo fan, but decided to watch this show after reading the very positive reviews. it is so totally singaporean and depicted the late-60s/ 70s so well. those were the days where we moved from kampongs to public housings and i thought this show really brought out the dynamics of those days. it felt so warm to see all the familiar artefacts of the days passed, and hear the various dialects and languages used. aded to that, i could identify with every songs used in the movie. i found myself laughing, crying and singing along as the movie unfolded. been a long time since i ended up in such a state at the theatres.

the jungle book

caught this show on a monday evening and wow, i enjoyed it thoroughly. disney never fail to deliver and this time, i think disney has outdone itself again. there was only one boy through the whole show and he was brilliant. and i am not saying this just because this was his first attempt at acting. he was really good! of cos, credits also go to all the voices of the different characters in the show as well as the great storytelling.

go watch it!

calm before the storm

my company had been acquired by another and the acquisition formalities will be completed soon. when that happens, and looking at the experiences of all acquired companies, i am sure there will be quite a bit of changes in the months ahead. these might include changes in senior management staff, structure and organisation, staffing, reporting lines, processes, etc, etc, etc.

but the thing is, since the announcement of the successful acquisition two month back, there had been no further updates to staff. and although things seemed pretty normal and fine on the surface, there have been lots of quiet murmurs amongst staff. added to that, i can also see indicators that suggest impending changes. firstly, my senior management are starting to not make any decisions, even very simple ones. and added to that, some of us were given strict orders to not do what we usually would have done, or better still, delay any actions that we have to execute. and while we do so, we should keep mum about the reasons why things are not happening (not that we are aware of it in the first place). the need to manage people downstream yet having no information nor directions about what the appropriates responses are is stressing out mid-management people like me big time. sighs. wtf right?

in the end, i simply told myself to just chill, relax and go with the flow. whatever has to come will come. this current moment is probably the calm before the storm and i should just preserve my energies for the actions when it happens.

sleeping pills

have started taking sleeping pills lately to help me sleep better. have been suffering disturbed sleep for the last two months or so. every night, i'd toss and turn and find it hard to fall asleep. and when i finally did so, i'll wake up about an hour or two later... not very comfortable despite having gotten used to it.

thankfully, i had kept mum's sleeping pills and able to use it to aid my sleep. will probably take it for a couple more days and see how. for these two days, it helped a little. let's hope my sleeping problem clears soon.

a meaningful saturday

saturday was a really meaningful one for me personally. in one trip, i managed to donate sapphie's bowls, paid respects to all the elders in my extended family and gave all the documents to my brother. 

i had wanted to pay respects to my elders for the longest time and finally got about doing it yesterday. i visited the mandai columbarium to pay respects to my late second aunt and uncle (my mum's second sis and her husband). my uncle had passed away less than a month after mum and thus we were not told of his passing. and as i was overseas when they commemorated the 100th day of his passing, i could not be there. so, i have been telling myself that i need to at least pay a visit to the niche to pay my respects to him. it was way overdue. i was happy to see him finally resting in peace and reunited with my aunt.

i also went to the choa chu kang columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i did not go there during tomb sweeping day and thought i should pay them a belated visit. also, with the recent happenings between my brother and i, i felt it was right for me to pay them a visit. but no, my visit was not to seek forgiveness nor to get any agreement. there was no such requirements for i did not do anything wrong. my parents may be gone, but being physically there next to their remains has a calming effect on me. i brought along some flowers to place on their niche too and as i did so, i noted someone had place some flowers there too. managed to also brush off the ashes and dust that had settled on the existing floral arrangements (that i arranged using the flowers from the wreath of mum's funeral). thought they looked very pretty.

as i was at the choa chu kang columbarium, i also made a visit to pay my respects to my paternal grandparents and placed some flowers onto their niche too. i would previously bring mum to pay respects to them but i had not done so since her passing. and thus, i thought it was high time i pay them a visit. last but not least, i also placed some flowers onto the niche of my mum's third sister. it had been slightly more than 12 years since she passed away, but looking at her photo, it seemed like just not too long ago when i spoke with her.

it was a trip that brought my one round the island. but it was a meaningful one for me. i felt very at peace after the trip, and i must add, somewhat emotional. it was indeed a good saturday.

sapphie's death certificate

such a cute looking certificate right?

:-)

handing over documents

i gave away sapphie's bowls yesterday. and i also handled over the maid's passports, the hdb letter, and all the needed documents to effect the hand over of my parents house to my brother yesterday. after going through what i went through last week, i told myself i will simply leave it with the maid and not enter the house nor talk to my sis-in-law. i did not text my sis-in-law this time round as i wanted to just drop the documents and leave. i had rehearsed and visualised in my mind what  would happen and i would say when i arrive - knock on the door, someone opens the door, children runs to greet me, pass the things to the maid (or whoever opens the door), say hello to the kids and explain that i am busy, and quickly excuse myself. and with this rehearsed in my mind, i arrived the block.

i drove into the car park, parked my car and walked towards the lift. as i walked, i recalled what happened the week before and started to feel a little uneasy and unwelcomed. i arrived at the lift landing and pressed the button. next thing i knew, the adjacent lift door opened. and guessed what, my sis-in-law was in the lift. she had just returned from outside and was about to take the lift up when i called for the lift. she looked surprised. she stood there, dumbfounded for that split moment before uttering "大哥" or "big brother". i didn't allow her time to proceed for i quickly push all the documents i was holding in my hand at her and told her to hand them to my brother. these are the documents needed for him to take over the house. and this is the maid's passport, i said.

by this time, she had recovered from her momentary surprise and asked if i wanted to head up to the house, your brother's not at home, she said. you know, it is weird how you get invited to the house only when someone is not around. i declined and simply tell her i needed to rush to attend a funeral (don't ask me how this excuse came, but it just came out). i didn't give her the chance to respond and simply walked away. i did not want to prolong the awkwardness of the moment.

sapphie's post-life matters

i am glad i have more or less closed sapphie's post-life issues since she left slightly more than a month ago. time flies right?

i had brought home her death certificate, dog food, leash and 2 bowls (food bowl and water bowl) from my brother's place last weekend. i threw away the bag of dog food instead of donating it. she was on hypoallergenic clinic-prescribed diet and i didn't think it was right to give away to "just any person/ dog". as for her bowls and leash, i texted james and asked if he would like to keep an item or two for remembrance. after 2 days, he replied he did not want to, and that her photos were good enough for him. with his input, i texted a friend whom i knew had been closely involved with taking care of strays, volunteering at the spca, etc. "would you be keen to take over my late-dog's bowls?" i reckoned it would be more meaningful to put the bowls to good use rather than keeping it. throwing it away was a non-option for me. there were too much memories and sentimental values for me. my friend agreed to take it and that i told him i'll pass it to him over the weekend. 

when he gave me his work place address, i almost wanted to retract my offer. that was the same dog boarding house/ pet farm that i had left sapphie before i visited perth in 2009. that was the first time i literally witnessed sapphie cried. i felt really terrible seeing her being led into a cold-looking cement enclosure and locked up in a metal gate. looking at how she was housed similar to all there other stray dogs was damned heartbreaking. i could not imagine how she could be treated just like any other dog (i am not sure if you can understand what i mean here). to me, she was more than that, she was family. following that experience, i vowed never to leave her in any boarding house anymore. ok, back to last saturday. after i heard him mention the name of the pet farm, i sat there stunt for a moment. but in the end i decided to still pass the bowls to him. an offer made was an offer to be honoured. and i reconciled that my reaction to that 2009 experience was a little too personal.

anyway, i passed the bowls to him yesterday. the drive to the dog boarding house was one of the worst drive in recent memory. my heart was really very heavy as i drove. i felt really emotional when i finally left the bowls at the dog boarding house. admittedly, i wanted to text my friend to never throw the bowl away and to take good care of them. but objectively, i reminded myself that once given away, i should not attach myself to it. what my friend do with it would be for him to decide. and all things being equal, i believe the bowls will be put to good use. and this was what's most important. and so, i am now left with 3 items - the reindeer horns that i bought for her in 2004, her leash and her documentations - inoculation certificates, dog certificates, death certificate... and of cos, her ashes. think i'll keep all these. for now.

for remembrance.

树倒猴子散 "when the tree topples, the monkeys disperse"

taking a huge step back and as i reflected on what had happened recently, i realised that slowly, people in my generation are coming to terms with the stark reality that we are the new "senior" generation. and from another perspective, as what edwin had put it, new orphans. you see, over the course of last few years, quite a few members from my parent's generation passed away. just last year alone, i lost my mum, and an uncle each from both my paternal and maternal side. for that matter, i had also lost a few of my cousins (and godsis-in-law).

lately, a couple of my cousins, whom i had hardly kept in contact all these years, started texting me. in the infrequent short communications (mostly via text messages), they shared things like "i am at peace, my conscience are clear, i have done what i needed to do, my children have grown up and they can support themselves, if my time is up, i will be able to go peacefully, etc etc etc". but no, these sharings are not because my cousins are suicidal. rather, it was a case of them being reflective at that moment of the conversation. amongst my siblings, i am the only one that took the trouble to keep in contact with my cousins and as i was relatively younger than them, they would share with me like as though i am a dear younger brother to them. very heartwarming.

coupled with recent "break ups" with my siblings, i came to the conclusion that my generation is grappling with the new reality that our parents are no longer around. our parents had been that single factor that held the family (and the extended family) together. for example, my cousins would come and visit my mum when she was alive as she was their only link to their late-parents. and through these visits, the relationship and the bonds between members of an extended family continued to be maintained. that generation is going very quickly. and the departures also resulted in a sense of loss and uncertainty with regards how siblings and cousins in the extended family should and could continue to interact.

this reminded me of a commonly used hokkien phrase - 树倒猴子散, pronounced as "chiu toh lao gao sua". literally, it means, "when the tree topples, the monkeys disperse". this phrase was, in turn, adapted from a chinese phrase 树倒猢孙散 that had similar meaning. and if i may expand further, with the tree toppled, the tree that had nourished and protected the monkeys ceased to exist, these monkeys (that belong to smaller family groups or as individuals) have to regroup and find new ways to survive. and as they do so, they have to find new trees and learn to co-exist again.

this is an interesting phase for my generation. i suspect it will continue to be this way for a while more until the last of my parents' generation go.

aging process 2

for this second part, i am not sure how to pen it down other than noting the fact that i have issues on the neck, the shoulder, the upper and lower back, the knees, the ankles, and finally the foot itself. all these points are relating to one's ability to maintain good posture and when one part falters or suffer some form of trauma, the body will naturally compensate by moving the weight to another point, thereby creating more stress on this new point. and when this point becomes stressed and becomes painful, the body will again compensate by transfer the stress to another point... and so on. and so, my foot issues, invariably may end up with additional pains on my back, and then the neck, and the shoulders, and... yup, it is cyclical in nature. i have been told it is due to posture, the need to lose weight, the need to change dietary patterns, the need to rest, the need to exercise more, etc. and just looking at this sentence itself, don't you think its conflicting? 

i have tried to tackle one problem just to find another issue coming up. i suspect such an approach is probably not sufficient and that i need to adopt a holistic look towards health, instead of tackling issues as it happens. in the end, i think i have to accept that i need to take heed to my body's reactions and pains. i need to take things slow. age is catching up and the body is telling me that i cannot expect myself to do what i did when i was younger. and the best way to do it is to be conscious of my diet, live healthily, do light exercises - enough to get the body going but not enough to injure it, and have enough rest.

this, even this sound rather challenging. darned, i am beginning to sound like an old person.

lol!

aging process 1

i realised that these days i cannot sing songs like i did some years back. am no longer able to sing probably, a little off-pitch. and added to that, i am not longer able to sing the notes i used to be able to. i supposed these are associated with the aging process. but it's ok i supposed, i can still sing in my head. and of cos, i can still do so and scream my heads off in the quiet and privacy of my car when i drive.

:-)

the huntsman: winter's war

i watched the huntsman/ snow white show on tv two weeks ago and with the show still fresh in my head, i went to watch this show. and as in all recent productions (such as maleficent), this show managed to give the traditional story of snow white and seven dwarves a dark but interesting twist. added to that, this show depicted the prequel and the sequel of the snow white movie... so, it's kinda the "once upon a time, upon a time..." followed by "and they lived happily ever after... oh wait, not too happy yet...." kinda show.

the show also reminded me of the evil ice queen/ witch from the chronicles of narnia, the owl from harry porter and tower of isengard from lord of the ring, etc. and talking about evil ice witches/ queens, all of them always fall in the end (must be, right?), and the key difference is - how dramatic their fall occur. and in this show, it happened very fast, kinda an anticlimax in my opinion. the poor ice queen spend so much efforts raising an army of huntsman, fought so many wars, won so much territories and in the end, fell to her unscrupulous sister within a few seconds, just by that few magic words - mirror mirror on the wall.. poor girl, wasted her whole life effort just like that. i almost felt sorry for her (like how singaporeans would say - walau si peh jialat, kenah sabo sia!!!). and while viewers spend almost the whole show thinking how bad she (the evil ice queen) was, one cannot help but feel a little sad when she finally died... so quickly some more...

ok, shan't say too much about it and be a show spoiler. go watch. it was an enjoyable show, all said and done.

the silver lining

i regretted all that had happened over the last few weeks and i walked out of my brother's place feeling very mixed saturday.

on one hand i felt very unwelcomed, very judged and very wronged. yet i told myself that as long as my conscience are clear, i shouldn't be too bothered about what they thought of me. they are not me and i do not and cannot expect them to see things the way i see. i also felt very sad for the 2 kids. they are so small and they have full of potential in them. and i fear they may not have the proper conditions to be brought up well. then again, i reminded myself that i have to give my trust to the fact that all parents would want their kids to grow up well and that their parents would do the same.

yet on the other hand, i felt relieved that there will soon be a finality to the whole issue of maid, and the house and most importantly, i can start to live the life i want without having to consider for and be tied down by my brother (which ends up with him trying to control me instead). this, perhaps is the silver lining to this whole development.

and this would probably also mean the end of the toxic relationship between me and my brother. and when i think through all these, i felt sad for him. he has himself to overcome in order for him live a happy life. i bear him no grudge. what he is today is clearly his own making. and to a large extent, he is a direct result of being spoilt by my dad since young. and ironically, because of my dad's spoiling him since young, i dare say he had for the longest time this inferiority complex when he compared himself to me. i am, after all, ahead of him in my academic achievements, my work, my calm, etc. and i suspect my insistence to have him take over the flat made him even more frustrated. he would probably felt happier if i had fought with him over such things. 

perhaps the end of this relationship will allow him to start his life anew. i cannot help it if he wants to continue to bear grudges against me, view me negatively or feel inferior to me. i cannot influence nor control him and do not want to do so. i can only leave him to manage his own life. as for me, i will live my life as i deemed fit.

happy & gay.

how things deteriorated...

when i came back from hong kong, sapphie had passed away. i didn't visit my brother's place as i was down with conjunctivitis. and as it was tomb sweeping day, i purchased the needful and left it at their house, leaving a message before i left. i was still reeling from sapphie's passing and didn't want to talk to my brother, much less head to the columbarium and face the crowd. i texted my sis-in-law the following week to check if they were home. i had wanted to visit them but she didn't reply my text messages. my attempts to call her were also unsuccessful as the phone was switched off. so finally, i decided to pay them a visit last saturday. and it was during this visit that i learnt about how everything had deteriorated to the point of no return... here's what happened.

i arrived at the house and knocked on the door. usually, my sis-in-law would open the door within seconds and as she did so, she'd ask the children to come get me. this time round, i had to wait for a couple of minutes before the maid opened the door. when i entered the house, my brother walked towards me in a hostile manner and spoke with me in a half-raised voice. give me back the hdb letter, he said. i will move back and sell this place. i will use the money to raise the kids.... he bellowed. and next thing i knew, he told me i needed to do the maid transfer, insisting that i had held back the process. i told him i will check and get back to him. he left the house shortly after that. as he did, my niece and nephew were climbing all over me and asking me to play with them, which i did. 

i followed the kids to their room as was the usual play routine. and as i entered the room, i noted my sis-in-law lying in the bed in the master bedroom, her face away from me. i assumed she was asleep and didn't call out to her. and as i played with the kids, my maid came in to the room and she said my sis-in-law had left the house. i sensed something amiss and asked if there were some things she wanted to tell me. and that was when she started telling me the story... she was clearly very upset and went on and on non-stop about "this is your family issues and i don't want to say too much"... i didn't quite catch what she was muttering as her english was not too good. but through the splattering of comprehensible words, here's what i managed to pieced out:

• your brother and his wife everyday quarrel, and now his wife is now on his side and she's not happy with you. his wife now says you always like to throw ah ma (my mum) and sapphie with them whenever you don't want to look after them. also, you even throw me (the maid) to them becos you don't want a maid.

• when sapphie die, your brother not happy, he want to bring sapphie and throw her away or dig a hole and bury her. i tell them cannot because if throw away how to cancel license. they call the uncle (undertaker) at night but nobody answer the phone until next day. uncle only come after sometime to bring the dog to burn.

• his wife not happy you asked her to look after the dog but then you ask your friend to take the bones home. your brother say after ah ma die, you anyhow let other people stay in your house.

as i listened to her, i started to feel very uncomfortable. as for the maid, she got a little emotional and said she wanted to leave after a year. i didn't say much except to tell her to let things be. i walked out of the room and it was then that i noticed the things i bought for tomb sweeping was still in the house and i asked if they had gone to pay respects to mum. and that was when i learnt that they had in fact gone ahead to pay respects to my mum when i was away. and they did not even inform me about it. i started feeling rather uncomfortable and sat there quietly as i thought through what the maid said earlier. i reflected through the years of unsaid tensions and when i finally pieced the story together, everything fell into place. 

my mum had previously insisted that bee and his mum wanted to cheat me of my property. i am quite certain mum had shared this with my brother and that the sudden change in mind to want to take over the flat was related to this. and the urgency was there because he now thinks bee is already staying with me (as he has the house keys and can bring the dog's ashes home when i was overseas) and thus the likelihood of losing the property is real, just like what mum had warned. my brother had, since prior to my dad's passing brought out issues of my sexuality. and it didn't help that because of my mum's dementia, she had been telling them all sorts of untruth about bee (as she had wrongfully used him to represent her nemesis from her younger days).

it also dawned upon me at that point in time that my sis-in-law had left the house earlier because she didn't want to talk to me. i concluded from my niece's inputs that my sis-in-law had switched off her phone (presumably to avoid my calls). and with all these inputs, i concluded my sis-in-law will not return home for as long as i was there. by this time, i felt highly uncomfortable and decided to leave the house immediately. i felt highly unwelcomed in that house and that i had overstayed. it was indeed deeply regrettable, but i decided to leave it as it was. there was just too much hate in this whole affair. the whole thing had gotten too toxic for me and i don't think i want to partake in this anymore. my only regret is that the two adorable kids will not be able to grow up in a healthy environment.

post-death - work

for the longest time, when i looked after mum, i would make it a point to leave work latest by 6pm sharp. if i were to reach home later than usual (and that means, later than 6.15pm), mum would go crazy with all her imagination that i have gone to visit people's house to plan to harm her...

anyway, after mum's passing, i was able to stay back at work a little later. nonetheless, i was also cognisant of my obligations towards sapphie. i had to walk her and bring her down to pee/ poo. this, however, did not stop my boss from increasing my work load. and it culminated in him tasking me to do a duty travel to china. and as in previous overseas trips, i would seek the assistance of my sis-in-law to look after my dog (previously, my mum too). and all the time, she agreed. but somehow, things did not go the way i thought it should. very messy...

post-death - the dog

after mum's passing, i continued to visit my bro's family and played with the kids. i had taken it upon myself to help to develop them and be part of their growing up. and often, the kids would ask for the dog. and so during one of my overseas work trip, i asked if i could trouble my sis-in-law to look after the dog. she agreed readily, telling me that the maid would look after her and that the children would be more than happy to have her stay over. and that was the arrangement for sapphie. the trip was a 2 week trip and things went well. sapphie had, by that time, weakened considerably. but she got along pretty well with the kids, especially my nephew.

the last time i left sapphie there was when i went to hong kong. i had asked my sis-in-law if it would be too troublesome to leave sapphie there. of cos not, she said. the maid will look after her and the kids would really love it, she said yet again. and with her affirmation, that was what i did. i didn't know until much later than my leaving her with them would become an issue that contributed to the souring of the relationship with my brother and sis-in-law...

will share details another time.

post-death - the maid

the maid is now with my brother. and i had informed him that he would need to do the transfer before she could be legally employed by him. and until such time, i will continue to pay the maid levy. and because mum had passed on, the monthly levy is $200 instead of $60. this is on top of the salary that i had continued to pay her despite the fact that she had moved to his house since early-dec 2015. 

i'd mentioned to him about the need for him to effect the transfer at that time and he didn't do any thing about it other than to check with the insurance company how he could cancel the maid's existing insurance. of cos the insurance agency told him that i should be the one to effect a cancellation of her policy (doh!) and not him. yesterday when i visited his house, after telling me to hand the will back to him, he rudely told me that for the maid, i should be the one to do the transfer and not him. i didn't like his antagonistic tone - voice half-raised and delivered in a very rude manner, almost like wanting to pick a fight. and from my experience, when he's like that it would be pointless to talk logic with him. i didn't say anything further other than i'll check and get back. i was quite convinced that he had to do it cos principally, such procedures would be the responsibility of the new employer and not the out-going one. i supposed he didn't see himself as a new employer and that this was just an administrative follow-up to change an address. if so, he couldn't be more naive and wrong.

to make sure i got my facts right, i did the online check again. and with the intention to do the transfer for him (as i wanted to avoid further interactions with him), i attempted to log into the website. i couldn't. it simply stated that if i (as the new employer) wanted to take over the domestic help, i needed to log in using my citizen id (singpass) before i could access the site. i had no choice but to text him that he should be the one doing it and not me. he simply replied with a "k".

the ball is in his court now.

post-death - the house

it's been 5 months since my mum's passing and it looked like there'll be a closure to the issue of the house she left behind finally. but regretfully, things have gotten as messy as it possibly could. then again, it didn't come as a surprise.

it all started before my dad passed away in 2008. back then, i had told him to will it to my brother. i had anticipated problems with the issue of inheritance from the trend of how i see my brother manage my parent's assets. and to make it worst, my dad had this habit of being inconsistent in his communications and liked to take sides, depending on who's in his good books at that particular point in time. so in front of my brother, he would tell my brother that he would inherit the house when he passed on, and in front of me, he would tell me it belonged to me. i had known this habit of my dad and had advised him that he should just will it to my brother. as for the reasons why my sisters were not in the equation, it was simply because my dad's mindset was that of a typical traditional chinese man - daughters are married out and thus no longer are entitled to any inheritance. it was also fortunate that my sisters did not ask for it. my dad eventually left without a will and the house was inherited by my mum according to local laws.

when my mum was alive, i had asked my brother to help my mum make a will and that it should state that he should be the sole beneficiary of the house. i did not ask further after saying this and i only found out about the real existence of this will after my mum died. it all happened when my brother approached me about a month after her death and talked to me about taking over this house from him.  i told him i will check about the local laws about inheritance and get back to him. he wanted to pass the will to me but i did not take it. i reckoned it will be less of a liability for me if he were to keep the will himself. nonetheless, he passed the hub's letter (that stated the need for him to take over the house) to me and asked me to engage a lawyer to "sort it out and that he will simply sign the documents when needed" (despite him being the executor). that was what i did. i found out that the local laws state that the beneficiary would have to sell the house if he/ she owns a hdb flat. the beneficiary would only be able to inherit the flat if he/ she owns a private property and that he/ she would have to stay in the house. this is where all the trouble began.

my brother currently owns a hdb flat while i own a private property. and he didn't want to sell house as he felt it was of good location and could appreciate further in the years to come. and in the meantime, he wanted to use it to obtain passive income by renting it out. when i told him about the local laws, he said that i could be a ghost resident instead, i.e., take over the house, then shift some of my stuff in but not stay there. and if hdb were to conduct spot checks, i should just get the tenant to lie to them that it is owner-occupied. this, according to him, was what "many of his friends are doing and i should not be so stupid as to be adhere to the govenrment's ruling so rigidly". he got angry when i suggested moving in and instead rent out my current house. he accused me of not being co-operative and after that, he refused to talk to me. it was at that point that i thought it would be easier to just let him decide how to deal with the house and not involve me. to me, i was not about to allow him to use my name to break the law.

cut the long story short, after my silence and after the dog died, he eventually decided to sell off his current house and move in to my parent's house. how the dogs death got intertwined into this whole affair... read on in future entries.

"f/u"

yesterday, i got "f-ed" by an english-challenged colleague. here's what happened.

an issue cropped up and i had to act on it yesterday. usually such issues would have been closed by my staff but as he was on leave, i decided to task it to this female colleague who's covering him. as she's based at another location, i decided to text her the request. she responded very quickly and asked me if there's anything else that she need to f/u! thing was, the way she worded the response sounded like she was scolding me. and when i first glanced at her reply, i didn't know how to respond. emotionally, i wanted to call her and give her a piece of my mind, but objectively, i knew about her challenge with the english language and decided to read, double read and triple read her reply before reacting. after that, i composed a reply to advise her that what she typed could be misinterpreted as "fuck you". and to be sure i did not come across as angry or emotional, i asked my colleague who was seated next to me to take a look at my response. when my colleague saw the conversation thread... she was stunt too. she simply stared at the message with her mouth wide opened. and she literally went "oh-my-gawd!" before she burst out laughing.

this incident reminded me of another incident that happened almost exactly a year ago. what happened was that last year, i send her (this same colleague) a screenshot of my leave projection that had been wrongly computed. in that email, i requested her assistance to correct the error. next thing i knew, i received an email from her. she had forwarded my mail to another colleague and had copied the mail to me. in that mail, it said "take a look, is he telling the truth". within 5 minutes, she send a second mail to me asking me to ignore that email. i took offence with the mail naturally. the content suggested i was lying. so i went up to her and told her nicely that if she thought i was lying, she should have just clarified with me. she looked surprised and replied that she actually wanted to ask the colleague to check if she had keyed in a wrong formula for the leave computation and to check if the mistake had affected other staff. i was amazed at the disparity of the mail content vs her explanation. nonetheless, i gave her the benefit of doubt and turned that incident into an english lesson for her. 

now i do want to add that this colleague of mine is a nice person. her strength, as mentioned, has never been in languages, in particular, english. and to make matters worst, she has the tendency to want to sound authoritative. this certainly did not go down well with many people and most of the time, she ended up stepping on people's toes without realising it. it didn't help for that fact that she's a junior staff...

so... yeah... i was verbally "fucked" by my colleague yesterday. although that was not the intent. but as in all communications, whats important is to be understood. and in this case, it was not. almost. i really don't know how else i can help her.

"take off your pants!"

this incident occurred last friday...

i went for a medical review for my plantar fasciitis. during the review, i was put through an ultrasound procedure to check the thickness of my pf. the procedure showed that it was still thick, but the doctor said it was ok as long as i did not experience pain when i do normal activities. to check the strength of my leg muscles, i was asked to stand with my legs apart, kneel, squats, etc as the female doctor observed my gait and stability. and that was when the doctor noted my knees were not holding up as well as it should.

i was asked to lie down on the examination table and she started pressing different points of my knees. and as she examined, i had to raise my legs up and down and at times bend my knees, just like how you see a woman bend her knees when she's giving birth. now, i was wearing long pants and she had trouble feeling the knees and she asked me to remove my pants.

this was my dilemma. i freeballed that day. it was a friday and a dress down day at the office and i always go commando during dress down days... the doctor pulled the curtain and the nurse handed a towel to me.

a lot of thoughts ran through my head at that point. how the hell would i be able to do all the knee bending etc with just a towel without exposing my privates!?!? it would be so embarrassing, for both the doctor and myself! can you imagine this - near-50 year old uncle lying on examination table with knees bend upwards like giving birth with his privates exposed?!?

well, my mind raced as i thought through how to respond to that request (almost an order) that i cannot accede to. there was only one choice for me and that was to pull up the pants as far up the knees as possible. thank goodness the material of the pair of pants i was wearing was those stretchable type and with little trouble i managed to pull it all the way up...

whew...

picture from www.inflexwetrust.com

deteriorating eyesight & uncledom

i wore glasses over the past week as i had conjunctivitis. it was not easy and i had lots of issues seeing things clearly, particularly when at work where i had to face my laptop. this time round, the level of discomfort and blurness was like no other times i had previously experienced. it seemed like my presbyopia has deteriorated suddenly over the course of the week.

and so, i decided to get my eyes checked by my optician. after describing the condition to him, he patiently when through, point by point, with me about the tests and my queries about presbyopia and the type of correction available. and the half-hour long tests concluded that my presbyopia has indeed deteriorated to the point where i needed glasses for near reading (200 degrees), and my myopia has actually improved (reduction of 50 and 25 degrees for my left and right eyes respectively) and the discovery that i also have astigmatism for both my eyes (100 degrees).

after weighing the pros and cons of making a pair of correction glasses vs keeping to my current lenses, i decided to proceed to make a pair of progressive lens glasses. been told it should last me minimally 2 years and i will probably need to review the presbyopia again by then. frankly, i consider myself late when it comes to presbyopia. every single person i know, both family and friends, require some form of correction by the time they reach their early-40s. so, i should be glad i only need it this year - when i am 50.

it's a new phase in life. been rather reflective lately and i did come to the conclusion that i have eased into the full blown middle aged phase of my life faster than i had realized. well, nothing to be sad nor worried about. aging is a part of life. but i must say, with some level of regret that i had not fully lived my life in my 30s when i was there. i was too consumed by the rat race and at the same time preoccupied with my own sexual identity. so admittedly, when i look at those people in their 20s/30s now and the opportunities they have, i do envy them to a certain extend. then again, that must be the case, we always make things better for our next generation. i must look forward and live my life as much as i can now, lest i look back in future and start to regret again.

heh...

depression?

sometimes i do wonder if i am getting into depression. not that big time depression-depression type of depression, but rather mild depression.

you see, i have been feeling troubled about lots of things. my mum's passing, my dog's passing, family, etc... and lately, about my health as i have not been able to sleep well, have breathing difficulties, experience frequent chest tightness, etc. i also do find myself getting lethargic these days, have no interest in things around me, i do not want to go out of the house, and indulge in porn (excessively). there were also many instances where i found myself choked with tears... my mind is just too disturbed. and often a times, i think about useless unproductive thoughts such running away from people, from this country, or for that matter from life. yes, death - my own passing. everything seemed to be so meaningless currently.

i do recognise that these are signs of depression and i need to manage myself. and i am writing these thoughts out as an outlet for me to vent. need to be mindful of this phase i am in and not to allow it to consume me. 

as it comes, it will also eventually go. 

上瘾 "addicted"

i read about this china gay-drama serial "addicted" (上瘾) so much i decided to check it out and i was so totally wowed by it. i am not sure of the reasons but i ended up rather addicted to it. haha... it could be any of the following reasons: cute actors (actually they are not that cute but the looks certainly build up on me), a storyline that connects with my own life's experiences, the challenges that the characters go through, very strong characters yet with a certain softness privately, discovery of sexuality, puppy love, intensity of the love, the male-male connections, etc... absolutely love it. and no, there are absolutely no explicit sex scenes.

this is the first instalment of a few more to come (hopefully). there are 15 episodes in this instalment and focused on the characters when they were in their high school. and to my understanding, it covers about a third of the whole story (based on a story book). subsequent instalments should cover how they graduate form high school and how their relationship grew as they started working. the series is banned in china after the first 3 episodes were aired. it is now only available in youtube (which is also banned in china).

enjoy!

alex & benny

alex & benny is a taiwanese serial about a gay couple of the same name. completed the 15-episode serial last month and enjoyed it. nothing too special about the storyline, typical gay relationship and the ups and downs as they navigate issues that all relationships will have... enjoyable series.

:-)

here's episode 1:

清明2016

this year's 清明节 (tomb-sweeping day) will fall on 4 apr 2016, tomorrow. in singapore (and i am not about its practice elsewhere), we will head to the cemetery/ columbarium, etc to pay respects to our deceased members of our families and it can be done up to 10 days before and up to 10 days after the actual day. that is to say, there is a window of 21 days to commemorate 清明节 every year. 

for mum, it will be her first 清明节 and we've been advised by the undertaker previously that we have to commemorate it early, before the actual day and that means latest by today (3 apr 2016). frankly, i don't wish to do it. i find it a terrible hassle to head to the place to do all the prayers etc. it is rather meaningless as i personally think the person exist in the heart and that heading to the columbarium to pay respects is not needed. perhaps it is relevant during the days when cemeteries were far away and where people visit tombs once a year. but in today's context, i personally think it'll be more important to remember the person rather than the act of going to the tomb (or for that matter, the columbarium). nonetheless, in the spirit of traditions and fulfilling my duties as the son, i will would have to do it. yet on the other hand, i don't feel too good about it. have been feeling rather down lately. am still reeling from sapphie's death and frankly have not fully adjusted to a house without her. and with the undercurrents with my brother (especially over the house my mum left behind, and the maid), i really do not wish to see him. also, whenever it comes to tomb-sweeping day, he will also have this differences in view about paying respects to my grandparents too. for me, i will do it, but for him, he liked to transfer his tensions towards my aunts onto my late grandparents and thus refused to pay respects to them. that had always been a source of anger for my mum when she was alive. but well... added to all these, i have not fully recovered from my recent bout of conjunctivitis and am still a little feverish. well, the redness has largely cleared, but there were a couple of small sty that appeared and its not very comfortable. 

in the end, and balancing all the factors above, i decided to tell my brother i won't be going for to the columbarium (using my health as an excuse). nonetheless, i purchased all the joss papers, boxes, etc and passed them to him yesterday. i dropped them outside his residence and i left. and for some reasons, when i left his house, i felt a little overwhelmed with emotions and i cried as i drove home. memories of my mum came crashing back... yup, one of those moments again. although it hardly happens these days.

sighs.

3rd work anniversary

time flies. i had been with my company for 3 years 1 apr 2016. it had been an intense 3 years considering the many restructuring that occurred particularly during the first 2 years, the many changes to the top leadership and now the impending announcements of new changes. at the department-level, i had served 5 heads of departments and it was certainly not easy given the differences in each character that came and went and their emphasis. but on the positive side, i have learned quite a bit of new stuff. 

as of now, we are anticipating new changes to the company given the recent acquisition of the company. and naturally, everyone is a little jittery about it. although things seemed calm on the surface, i am aware there are a lot of undercurrents and thoughts about job security. and i say so cos i know a lot of people at a more personal-level and they have spoken to me about such concerns frequently. the challenge for me, however, is to be able to calm them down given my own lack of information. i don't even know if i will be able to hold on to my own job. as for my boss, i personally suspect he is trying to manoeuvre himself out of the company, or at least leave an escape route for himself. at the present moment, he seemed to be pushing away a lot of responsibilities, refusing to sign off things (even urgent ones) and at times, he'd asked us to get the top man to sign off instead, even for very simple things. his inactions often a times lead to delays in decision-making. quite frustrating.

anyway, let's just see how things go. amidst all these changes, i believe there will always be the bright side of things. it is part of change and we'll just have to embrace it and adapt.

conjunctivitis

down with conjunctivitis for both eyes. started with the right eye yesterday and today, my left eye got infected. very uncomfortable and painful due to the pressure build-up in the eye balls and the non-stop secretion of mucus that clog up the eyes.

was on mc today as it is highly contagious. been applying the eye drops and taking antibiotics and painkillers through the day. feel a little better now. let's hope it clears well enough for me to attend a 2-day conference starting tomorrow.

:-)

11th anniversary

and without much fanfare, we ended our 11th year together

(to be specific, the anniversary was yesterday)

time really flies

end of 10, end of 9 (start of 10), end of 8 (start of nine), end of 7 (start of 8), end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

pic from http://www.clearpixel.com.au

go forth, do the needful

positively, i told myself that someone up there is telling me to go forth and do what i needed to do for myself. i had, for the last 15-over years committed myself to take care of my parents and dog, and often a times, i had placed their priorities above mine. it is time to start to look at my own priorities and to do what i want, without worrying about my charges. there's no need to now.

and i thanked them for giving me life's precious lessons. lessons of patience, anger management, unconditional love, of the joys of being compassionate, of selflessness, of sacrifices, and many more. lessons where no amount of monies can buy. they have prepared me well to go forth now, i supposed.

look forward, be purposeful, keep happy...

batman vs superman

now this show was a tat too draggy for me. of cos, one may argue that the two hours were needed to build up a case for the final battle between batman and superman, but there were too many gaps. and the finale of the show was nothing about batman and superman, it was the fight between doomsday and the trio - superman, batman and wonder woman. it was also funny how batman could be so magnaminous as to let his perceptions and misforgivings about superman pass within less than a minute. and almost immediately after that, to head off the save superman's mother.

but as all such movies, one should not read too much into it. i had already complained about the duration, to fully explain all those gaps would probably stretch the show a lot longer and that would kill us all. so... better editing was needed. overall, it was not too bad.

i believe we could be seeing a sequel to this show. we still have cyclops, and aquaman that haven't appeared despite being introduced in the show.

look forward.