no bak chang, yet

i had bought all the ingredients to make bak chang (dumpling) this year. the dumpling festival fell on yesterday and i had planned to make the bak chang in the morning. i didn't. i ended up spending my day in office. my colleague had arranged for a paint job to be done in office over the day but couldn't stay the whole duration of the painting and i had to cover her. so... anyway, it allowed me to catch up with my work.

my boss had asked me to do some big time framing last month and when i briefed him on what i had done (after adhering to his flow, etc), he told me that was not what he wanted. and he gave all sorts of new requirements to me. and after that, he emailed me a couple sets of slides from his previous company and told me to use that as a reference and to reframe the paper all over again. then he went on 3 weeks leave. sighs.

well, his absence was a good break for me mentally as it allowed me much space to catch up with lots of stuff. but during the last week or so, he started to email my colleagues and i from states (where he was holidaying) and arrowing us to do stuff for him. and added to that, he started to ask us if we had completed what he tasked us to do and reminded us he wants to see our products when he returns yadda yadda yadda... rather unhappy with this but well, he's the boss. 

so, ya... back to the bak chang. well, didn't get to make it yesterday and i ended up with quite a few relatives and friends asking me if i made any this year... heh. will do it next week. let's hope i don't get distracted this time round.

:-)

imminent death

recieved a text from my sis. she forwarded me my cousin's message telling us about his dad's deteriorating condition. doctors had advised that they have exhausted all means to manage my uncle. apparently his heart had stopped twice too. and he ended by saying that they could only pray to god and hope for the impossible. when a logical and highly educated person adopt such a tone and had resorted to leave things in the hands of the divine, you know things are bleak. i decided to find ways to pay my uncle a visit today. it's the right thing to do. 

and i am writing this post after having just walked out of his ward. i had lied to mum that i needed to head to the bank earlier. she had been heavily influenced by my brother who had nothing but bad words for my uncle and i didn't want to create tensions within the family by telling her of my visit. sighs. anyway, it was a very depressing sight. his whole face and body had turned black and he was barely able to respond. he's in the isolation ward and i needed to don the hospital gown and gloves before i was allowed in to see him. otherwise, he seemed comfortable. i didn't stay long. he acknowledged my presence before the nurses had to change his diapers and shift his position. he dozed off after that. i was quite certain this was my last look at him alive.

talking to a person who was facing imminent death was not easy. suddenly the whole topic of death or anything related to his/ her passing become extremely taboo. in my many years talking to people near death, i had only spoken about the actual topic of death to two persons - my cousin and my aunt. it was relatively easier with my cousin as she's buddhist and death was something she had came to terms with. she passed away very peacefully a few days after i spoke with her. as for my aunt, i sensed her hesitance in going and she was struggling when i visited her. seeing her in that state, the urging for her to let go of any attachments and go if she needed became easy. it was almost as though i was helping her go in peace. her heart stopped and she died in front of my very eyes after i assured her everything will be fine.

as for my uncle, i could only ask basic question like whether he was comfortable. i was at a loss for words. let's hope he leaves comfortably. as far as i know, they have removed the machines and my cousin have decided not to keep him hooked up to life support since yesterday.

if he leaves this coming week, it will be a third death for me in as many weeks.

feels like crying

not sure if you've experienced this, but there are times when you feel like you just want to cry, and to cry it out heartily and let go all the pent-up emotions that have been bottled up inside you for the longest time. that's the feeling i get quite often these days, especially when i listen to some songs on the radio. and invariably, these are emo songs from the days when i came out and where there were many personal tensions - all of which were people-related.

but yeah, just got reminded of what francis told me 2 years back - don't listen to these songs especially when you are feeling down!

lol!

catching up with ex-colleagues

my boss has been on leave since 4 jun. he returns next week.

and since then, the stress level was very very manageable. i mean, when he was around, even when he didn't talk to you or task you to do anything, his mere presence itself creates a high degree of stress and discomfort amongst us. it always feels like there's someone watching over you and that every you do is subjected to his approval. very stifling. 

but since his leave started, the whole office environment became a lot more relax. people were able to walk freely without feeling like they're being watched. and as for me, i managed to arrange a lunch for two of my fellow managers with my ex-chief yesterday. it was such a great feeling to be able to meet up and talk. and today, i also met up with my ex-director for lunch. enjoyed the conversation and the catch up thoroughly. 

was thankful to have the opportunity to get to know these people. learned lots from them and enjoyed the teamwork, particularly so because they were so people-oriented. missed those days...

:-)

death of a colleague

i wanted to use the title "even more bad news" for this post as a further iteration to the series of death-related news i got since last week - news that i had earlier framed as "bad news". but i decided otherwise after a quick reflection.

you see, i went to work this morning and it was just after 8.30am when a colleague came to me and broke the news to me: "xxx had just passed away.". my first reaction was "omg", but just as i said that, my mind went "might as well, good that she is at peace now". yes, it was sad that a person that i had known personally had passed away. but given the circumstances of her passing, it was not bad per se but at that very point in time, it was not appropriate to say so.

this colleague had stage 4 cancer since i knew her 2 years back. she had been receiving treatment for quite a while and she had responded relatively well to it. post-chemo, her condition was relatively stable and the cancer showed signs of receding. she suffered a relapse end-last year and doctors gave her a prognosis of 6 months. she lost lots of weight but despite her fraility, she insisted on living life as normally as she could. at one point, she had to be assisted to the toilet at work. about 3 months back, her condition worsened and she was rushed to the a&e where the doctors had to resuscitate and revive her and, in the process, broke a rib. her health deteriorated very quickly after that and it was really tough for her as well as her family.

it was thus in this context that i thought perhaps it was a good thing that her suffering had ended and that she is now at peace. so... yup, that was why i decided not to title this post as "bad". nonetheless, i felt the loss. she was finally laid to rest late afternoon.

may she rest in peace.

jurassic world

caught the show last night. didn't expect much out of it and true enough, the show was much similar compared to previous jurassic-series shows. conceptually, not much can change right? man made some creatures that had gone extinct and that was more suited for a world 65 million years ago, something went awfully wrong, one escaped, created havoc, people got killed, creature got hunted down and eventually killed. end of story.

and as usual, such shows always have a lead man, that always fall in love with the lead woman. throw in a few near death scenes (but as leads, they never die) and wallah! you have movie! heh... but of course, the thing about such shows is that over time, the effects got better and production value is much better. and i give credits to the producer for some new injects that reflect progress in science and knowledge, such as - animals got smarter, animals show ability to communicate and be controlled by humans, humans got smarter and can genetically engineer new creatures... all these added new layers to the show.

and oh, might as well mention some of the things that i thought was a little off, such as... all the pterodons flew out of the aviary, but they never show where they flew to? did they reach cuba? and it was weird to show a woman, who earlier was petrified of dinosaurs, to somehow found the courage to lead the tyrannosaurus rex out of its enclosure (and on high heels some more), and it was rather funny to see the woman sit on the floor like she was posing, as the 2 giants fought and bit each other... but as in all such shows, i had to remind myself not to be too critical. it was after all a movie and i found it an entertaining show. suitable for a brainless weekend.

:-)

bad news, more bad news

bad news had been coming, one after another... and admittedly, it weighs me down a lot. 

first, it was the news about a child's untimely death. and given the fact that is was the child of my childhood friend (brother of a friend to be exact), i felt obliged to head down to the wake on two nights of this week, and for the funeral/ cremation yesterday. it was so unnatural to see a dead child, and to learn about all the not-too-nice stories about how she was discovered, and the state of her body when they found her. didn't feel good about it especially when i had the good opportunity to see how she grew up since she was born.

and immediately after the funeral yesterday, i got a message from my cousin telling me that my uncle (my dad's younger brother), who had been hospitalised since quite a while back, had had a second round of infection. this time, it was a fungal infection and that he is now no longer responsive to medical treatment. he had since been moved from the high dependency ward to the intensive care unit. the next 2-3 days would be critical, i was told. i called my aunt (my dad's youngest sister) last evening and she said he should just go... would have been easier and less of a suffering for him, as well as his family.

and since yesterday afternoon, i had to manage an anxious sis-in-law as her mother's flight to singapore yesterday was delayed. the fight did not take off as the plane had a burst tyre. you see, i had purchased a staff travel ticket for her mother and with this incident, i became the main source of information for her throughout the delay period that dragged more than 30 hours until this evening when her mother finally touched down.

not in too much of a mood to think about other things, not that things have been rosy in the first place. these days i have simply been taking things as they come. at work, i am trying to take things positively and convincing myself that there are things i can learn from my current boss. and as long as i have not gotten a new job, i might as well learn as much as i can. personal life-wise, i think i have lost a sense of self. whatever it is... 

que sera sera... whatever will be, will be.

feeling alone

it is possible to get use to being alone and feeling the same.

unhappy & frustrating day

everything that could possibly make me unhappy and frustrated happened today... in sequence from morning as follows:

• first thing in the morning, got a missed call from the car workshop as i was in a meeting. called back and explained about the car. the guy promised to call me back shortly but didn't do so. but it's ok, it was still early and i had the whole day to wait for his call. but i dislike being kept hanging. 

• then at 9-ish, found out my staff will be on course for the whole week and she did not sound me off. and now that i had launched an online program this week that require close monitoring, she told me she couldn't do it because of the course. this online program had been planned months ahead. was angry with her. but of cos, did not blow up but simply tell her to proceed. she could sense my displeasure though.

• and at 10-ish, a lot of staff had completed the online program and i realised there was a particular question that many got wrong. and then i got an email from the content owner (who had, on last minute changed the question) with a totally unproductive comment - "think we have created a monster". in my mind, i was like "fuck you! you created this monster with your last minute change and i had to manage it!" but of cos, i didn't reply him this way. instead, i suggested a change in the question format, got his ok and went on the correct the online program. idiot! 

• didn't have the mood to work after all these fiasco. felt overwhelmed. and whenever i feel overwhelmed, i will do something else. and i decided to do further research about my end-jun holiday. had earlier decided on melbourne and it is a place that i really wanted to return. had been close to 20 years since i last visited and i wanted to take a drive along the great ocean road. looking forward to the winter weather. but i had so much problems getting the right flight combination as most come with a 20-over hours of transit. called the travel agent but was instead referred to the australian embassy. always happened. frustrating. in the end, decided to unbundle my flights and book single trips. will cost more but it was more straight forward and there's no transit needed. and then...

• at 11-ish, bee told me he couldn't make it for the holiday. we had planned this holiday since last month, something that he promised when he told me he had to make the bkk trip. and i had spend the last 2-3 weeks thinking about and planning for it. went through the research, the daily checking of flight tickets, had prepared mum mentally for it, and finally today, started making visa arrangements. halfway through the visa application, the news came in. it was due to work. all plans were cancelled. i had to cancel my leave and had to write an explanation to my (fucking) boss about why i need to do it, knowing jolly well he is one who dislike changes. thankfully he is on leave and i need not face him until his return later this month. fucking frustrated. his work always take priority and had to come between him and i. i can understand but cannot accept.

• after lunch, managed to do some work, but frankly, i was in a state of daze as i still couldn't get over the cancellation of the trip. was feeling frustrated.

• it was close to 4pm when i started feeling anxious about my car. the car workshop agent had not called me. i had a chiro appointment at 7pm. and given that i needed time to collect my car, return home and fetch mum, i really didn't know if i had enough time to respond. so i decided to call the office girl to page for agent to return my call. that was already slightly past 4pm. i told him that by hook or by crook, i want my car by 5.30pm. and with that call, i decided to leave office early. had to cater for time to travel there. i was in a rush and i didn't like it. it made me anxious.

• and just before i left, i did a progress check of the online program that was launched in the morning. the responses seemed ok, and i did a visual check of the list of emails that was send out to and i saw a couple of wrong addressee. my staff had made repeated the same mistakes made since the last 2 online programs and that i had reminded her not to do it again a couple of times before. arghhh! had to control my temper and simply asked her to go through each and every single one carefully.

• once i sorted out all the details and instructions, i left office. it was already 4.30pm. i had to get to the service centre by 5.30pm and i was already late. thing was, it was difficult to catch a cab from my area. and so i did a brisk walk to the mrt, and guessed what? i missed the train. had to take another train to the next station, and caught a cab. thankfully, i managed to reach the service centre at 5.30pm sharp. collected the car, and as i was travelling, i called mum. reminded her about my chiro and primed her to prepare herself. needed to leave asap. no time to delay i told her. in a state of rush. not nice.

• arrived home and found everything not prepared. asked how was it so, and found out that mum forgot about everything i told her. the maid was in the midst of doing the laundry, the dog has not been brought down, mum was half asleep, etc. damned! rushed them through all these and managed to rush off. managed to reach the chiro in good time nonetheless. my chiro cleared my aches and that was perhaps the only high point of the day. 

• went for dinner and then to the shopping centre for the routine evening walk. my mum was breathless and i reminded her that she needed to slim down. she's grossly overweight. and that was when the maid burst at me - "don't keep telling ah ma she's overweight. she's old and she needed food. nowadays, she either eat very little for lunch or avoid lunch altogether. and she said she's fat. and here you are, telling her she's fat again." damned, now i have a maid that tells me off. needed to put her in place. of cos, i was damned angry by then but i didn't burst, i knew she said all these out of good intentions but i cannot accept the tone she adopted. and i simply told her off in very stern tone - that she is overweight is a fact made by all her doctors, she's 86kg, and i need to get her to drop to 76kg. if she avoids food for a meal a day, i will be most happy... after all, she eats voraciously for dinner and the maid always gives her lots of snacks through the day. i went on for a good 2-3 minutes about how her weight is causing all her ailments. the maid retracted as she sensed my anger. she apologized but i sensed she was indignant with my response.

• got home 9-plus and switched on the tv. the evening news was showing and i got an sms from an old friend. the same one whom i visit every year during chinese new year. "have you seen the news?" he asked. i didn't know where he was coming from and just at about the same time, his brother's face was shown. he was crying. apparently, his daughter was one of the victims of the sabah earthquake. i had watched her grow since she was born and now, she's dead. i was beyond words at that moment. took me a while to get myself composed. called my friend on his mobile, but he cut off my call. i kinda understand he was not in a proper state of mind to answer the call too. we continued conversing via whatsapp. we both didn't know what to say and how to say. my heart bled for the little girl.

that kinda describe how screwed up my whole blooming day went.

damned!

car break down

experienced several pulls when i drove my car on monday. the kind of feeling when you step on your brakes suddenly when the car was moving. it occurred several times and in no time, the "engine" icon started blinking none stop. felt very anxious as i drove and i didn't like the feeling of driving a car that threatened to break down any time. nonetheless, i managed to drive it home. send it to the workshop the next day and was told that one of the ignition coil (out of the 4) and the spark plugs needed to be changed. usual wear and tear, i was told. and that was what i did. 

things seemed to get back to normal after changing the faulty parts but last evening, the pulls started to reappear. had to tow the car to the workshop again today. had expected the car to experience issues given that it is after all a 5.5 year-old car. but this is too fast right?

darned. 

meaning of life

"what's your meaning of life?"

this is an interesting question that was posed to me by a reader via email. have been terribly busy and have not been replying emails (and for that matter, blog). but the question did set me thinking. i will be lying if i said i have not thought about it. i had. many times. i had previously framed my thoughts in different perspectives, such as a biologist (i am an "animal" and thus, my duty as a species is to procreate and contribute to the human species) and later, from a more philosophical perspective. and each time i thought about it, i came to a common conclusion - to be happy as a person, and to help society, to be compassionate. 

you noticed there are two parts to the answer. and to me, the meaning of life lies somewhere between the two. it does not need to be in equal parts but it must be a balance that is meaningful to me, as a person, and as a member of the human kind (or for that matter, as a sentient being, in buddhist terms).

for the first part, it is about me. most of the time, i have lived and conducted myself in life in a very self-centric manner. i do not feel apologetic for it. it is a fact and i believe it is a fact that all of us live our life the same way. that was how i have lived my life since i was born. it was ingrained into me as a person since young and later reinforced in my study, and work life. whatever we do, there is always a "i" in the equation. at some point in life, i felt rather lost and troubled about it. if everyone adopts such a self-centric approach to life, then the society would be a very disturbing one, with lots of conflicts. and as i mature with age, and with my deeper reflections as a buddhist, i have also come to the realisation that there must be an element of the larger society to balance off the concept of "i" or "self". afterall, we are social in nature. but i also came to realise that the "i" can only contribute to the society only when the "i" has taken care of himself/ herself sufficiently well. otherwise, "i" cannot contribute to the larger society/ humankind authentically and selflessly.

and that brings me to the second part, to help society, to be compassionate to my fellow sentient-beings. as a human, as a buddhist, i have grown and matured and i have come to realised that happiness is not about receiving but also in giving, and being compassionate. and when i am able to do so, i will able to connect with sentient-beings around me. and that allowed me to connect with the larger me. not too sure how to explain "the larger me", except to say that i exist only because the cosmos exist and this energy moves around me, an energy that manifested itself in all sorts of things, things that include my fellow human beings, the flora and fauna around me, the world, nature, the space, the universe... i exist because all these exists alongside. it provides the logic to why i exist.

so, there you have it. my meaning of life. 

hmmm... this is the first time i have penned it down, and as i wrote, my thoughts shifted and crystallised. so... thank you yazal for asking me this question and inspiring this reflections.

:-)

a royal night out

although i am not a die-hard fan, i have always followed developments of the british royalty since i was a kid. i guess there's this side of me that has always adored the magic of royalties - the pomp, the colours, the parades, etc. and admittedly, since several years ago, i have been waiting for september this year when queen elizabeth 2 becomes the longest reigning monarch in history of the united kingdom... history in the making! its really exciting right?

but well, before i go on further about the british royalties, i want to capture here some thoughts about the show "a royal night out" that i caught last night. that night out by princesses elizabeth and margaret in cognito to celebrate ve day was documented in the public media but nothing much was written about it. and i can imagine how palace officials would want to keep it as much under wraps as possible as one of the princesses portrayed is none other than the incumbent reigning queen! cannot put the queen in bad light right? kinda explains why even an innocent kissing scene between the future queen-to-be and her subject was not even shown. haha... but the movie gave an interesting perspective about that eventful night.

and if the events that happened that night depicted in the movie were true, that night of events and the interactions between the royalty and the commoners must have greatly influenced princess elizabeth's view and thinking of people outside the palace. but well, i supposed only the queen herself can attest to how much that night have shaped her thinking in real life. but what i thought was interesting was also the fact that the show provided a perspective of princess margaret's conduct during her younger days. it showed the side of her that many had speculated for years.

so admittedly, as i watched the show, i couldn't help but imagine how history would have changed if princess elizabeth went on to fall in love and marry the corporal, or if princess margaret got raped, etc. and as i watched, i kept reminding myself that however the story was to develop, both princesses would still end with them returning to buckingham palace and that princess elizabeth would go on to marry prince philip and crowned as the queen eventually. 

i enjoyed the show thoroughly.

:-)

san andreas

went for this show last weekend. enjoyed the effects but otherwise, there was really nothing great about the show. storyline was also not realistic. imagine having a fireman, who can pilot a helicopter, a plane and boats and manage to find his wife in the midst of a city of rubble; and after that, able to find his daughter amidst all the devastation. then again, as i said, it's not realistic. so, no deep thinking needed. but certainly, it was an entertaining show. the very type of show that one would enjoy when one wants to do nothing but simply blank off after a stressful week.

ps: i still cannot understand how a tsunami could have been triggered if the quake occurred inland... then again, as i said, no need to think too deep. lol!

lower back pull...

experienced a back muscle pull 3 days back for no clear reasons. it cleared after i applied some deep heat onto it. i was subsequently able to go for the 3-step 1-bow ceremony.

and apart from some minor muscle aches, i felt generally ok. but during lunch today, my lower back muscle went into spasms and before i knew it, it developed into a terrible backache. i did some stretching and managed to walk back to my office. but the pain got worse through the afternoon and by about 4-plus, i could hardly stand up straight. it was so totally uncomfortable and debilitating. 

i went to my chiro this evening and he mentioned that my whole back had gone into spasms! took him more than half an our before he managed to loosen the back up a bit. he asked that i ice my back tonight before bed and to head back for another round of treatment in 2 days. 

with all these signs of wear and tear, it looks like my body is really in bad shape. 

sighs...

forgetful mum

i arrived home from the 3-step-1-bow ceremony at 5.45am. brought the dog down to pee, showered and headed off to bed and woke up close to 11.30am after a highly disturbed sleep. i washed up, dressed up and walked into the living room to face a suspicious mum...

"where did you go last night?"

she demanded once she saw me. i could almost hear her unstated question "who were you with?".

"why did you not tell me you had gone for the ceremony?"

she asked curtly after i told her about my participation in the 3-step-1-bow ceremony and that i had returned at 5.45am. she had forgotten everything about it. and she refused to also accept my input that i had told her about it. and when she calmed down, she expressed surprised it was vesak and that she didn't know about it...

i brought her to my bro's place in the afternoon. i felt tired and went to the room to take a nap. she didn't allow me to nap as she kept asking my niece to come into the room to wake me up, insisting that i shouldn't sleep in the afternoon. when i told her i needed the nap as i didn't sleep the night before, she went again...

"where did you go last night? who did you go out with? how come you came home late?"

and the whole process of explaining to her where i went to was repeated. and again, she said she didn't know it was vesak...

i didn't get angry. in fact, i was kinda used to her forgetfulness. but what happened today struck me - her continued suspicions about my movements and who i interact with troubled her more than my participation in vesak activities. it used to be such that she'd remember everything about religion including the god's birthdays, rituals, visits to the temple, etc. but her reactions today suggested otherwise. this realisation scares me quite a large bit. it puts in very clear perspective how her basic instinct of sensing danger took precedence over everything else now that her mind is in it's most basic state of functioning.

day of contemplation & reflections

the following went through my mind over the last 2 days as i commemorated vesak 2559, particularly as i journeyed my way around the temple during the 3-step-1-bow ceremony...

• ruby pan. i was very surprised when i read about her ordination from the papers yesterday. but after reading on, things kinda made sense to me after finding out that she is now based in the states (in an american buddhist temple). i was initially surprised becos i had all along viewed her as very english-educated and i had initially assumed she was ordained as a nun in a local chinese temple... anyway, she was a fellow teacher in the buddhist school that i volunteered in some years back and we co-taught a class for a year. i felt so happy for her after reading about her ordination and...

• i wondered if i should also go the monastic way. yup, that did cross my mind (again) this year - should i also get myself ordained and become a monk? and of cos, my mind weighed the yes's vs the no's. and i wondered if some of the reasons that went through my mind were reasons for my escaping the current lay-world that i currently am disillusioned in or due to my pure intentions of seeking enlightenment...

• i wondered if i should drop my current corporate life and enter a life of volunteerism and/ or social work. this thought also crossed my mind... 

• and many more...

also, a whole lot of emotions went through me during the ceremony. impatience with the long wait, anger as i learned of things i did not know before, irritation with noise and people chatting amidst the wait, topics of conversation that i felt were superficial, or opinionated, etc. but most importantly, i was able to take a third person's perspective, as i stood outside myself and reflected on the reasons why i felt that way. it was indeed a good process of quiet contemplation and reflections.

so... as always, i have walked out of vesak understanding myself better.

a good day indeed.

:-)

vesak 2559

today is vesak 2559. today, we commemorate the birth, enlightenment and the passing of the buddha 2559 years ago. and as per all vesak celebrations, i participated in the 3-step-1-bow ceremony at the temple last night. i had participated in this since 1991 (if i remember correctly, or was it 1992?...). i made a personal commitment to do it if i should do well for my honours year and i had not stopped doing so since. increasingly, i am feeling my age and this year, the worry of my body not being able to take it was very real. this was particularly so over the past 2 days when i had a slight lower back muscle pull. but thankfully, i recovered and made it. 

am feeling rather achy as of now.

:-)

weekend work...

brought my office laptop home with the intent to work through the weekend. but ended up not even taking the laptop out of my bag.

totally didn't have the mind to work. you see, i am in the midst of framing a major hr project for my company. and am doing so cos after presenting my first proposal to my boss, he commented a lot of things but i somehow didn't get anything out of it other than i needed to reframe my whole proposal. added to that, after my brief, he send me a similar proposal from his previous company and told me to adapt as needed. that was last week.

you know, when your boss does something like this, it means one thing - "follow it!" and it was kinda difficult cos the context is different; hence, the framing and everything downstream is different. but it is a good reference to know his expectations. it reflected his mindsets and to manage him, i spend quite a bit of efforts on the paper and tried my very best to figure out what it was trying to say in the first place! and it was one helluva difficult. it was not just a difference in the context, the paper itself was very lousily written. the thoughts were not congruent and had lots of jargon that came across as trying too hard to impress. but yeah... 

it simply meant that i have lots of deep thinking to do. this was the really hard part. framing of thoughts has been my strength yet i dislike the process of doing it. really intense and really require a lot of quiet reflections. can be very stressful, especially when you have to try to adhere to a particular flow. and that was why i did not even started it over the weekend. i simply cannot have the uninterrupted space and time for me to do so. but well, that didn't stop me from doing the framing mentally. it was a busy mental weekend of mind-mapping!

and guess what? i ended up with a tentative frame! and i managed to put them into a draft over the course of monday! haha... gonna spend the next 2 days developing the details. that, actually, is the easy part!

:-)

walking ice-cream

since shaving my head bald, i have been feeling like a walking ice-cream whenever i walk inside an air-conditioned shopping centre! you see, my nightly routine is to bring mum out shopping. and lately, whenever i walk in the shopping centres, i will experience a certain level of headache. not very pain per se, but rather uncomfortable. and this discomfort was caused by the air-conditioning that made my head feel very cold inside!

so... yeah, i totally felt like a walking ice-cream!

lol!

stress from work

i suspect all the unfortunate health-related issues i am facing are manifestations of the stress i am facing at work. i mean, this month is already totally loaded with lots of activities that i have to drive and then my boss send an email to me out of no where to brief him about some projects. and his email to me read "i want you to arrange a meeting to brief me about your plans regarding xxxxx." technically he was not wrong, but i thought it would sound a lot friendlier if he had said something along the lines of "discuss together", or even say "for me to give you some guidance" and used "the", instead of "your". but no, it was just a one liner kinda email. short, sharp and curt.

accordingly, he had wanted to drive some new initiatives for the company and had tasked the responsibility to me. and because he will be heading off for a long holiday, he decided to expedite this briefing to him. and when i told him i am maxed out this month and will need space to put my thoughts together before i could brief him, he simply said, i need to give some urgency and priority to this. omg, i only have this much time, energy and mental capacity!

and i dislike his formal and aloof approach to things. 

but well... that's him i guess. 

he is the boss.

bad health

had been feeling uncomfortable from the bad eye and mouth ulcers last couple of weeks. and just when it cleared up, the throat started to act up, and last evening, i lost my voice. and then before i went to bed (last night), i felt a little snap on my lower back and the rest was simply hellish.

am feeling feverish now and have just taken some painkillers. have also bought some vitamin c and it complex earlier. think it should help me better manage my stress and boost my immunity.

things seemed to be getting from bad to worst. 

darned!

bad eye

my bad eye lasted for quite a while.

i wore my glasses until this week and i only started to put on my contact lenses again tuesday. and i must really add that the weeks when i had my glasses on were really really bad. it felt like i was in a state of dream. didn't feel real and everything seemed to be so... well, short of a better word - framed. and to make it worst, the spectacles didn't sit too well on my nose (bridge) and my face felt terribly oily. this was compounded by the superbly hot and humid weather. totally didn't like it. the interesting was, and i think it was due to my swollen eye ball, my presbyopia got so bad i couldn't really read the newspaper unless i took off my glasses. really, i have never felt so old before until lately!

doh!

:-)

the ocean at the end of the lane

had just completed this book last night. took me more than 3 months to complete this. had been a long time since i last read any books! and so, when i started, i didn't find it engaging enough to continue and put it off. the momentum just wasn't there. read it on and off only when i had the chance to head to the pool. i only managed to immerse myself into the story after i read more than half the book. heh...

but yeah, it was a good read once you are into it.

i enjoyed it.

holy month again

tomorrow will be the 4th lunar month again and that means, i will be observing 15 days of vegetarianism. cannot recall how many years i have done this, but i think it is a good reminder to continue respecting life and be compassionate to our fellow sentient beings.

and to guard against and remind myself not to succumb to vanity, i have just shaved my head again. been my annual routine since leaving the force.

om.

headhunter again

took leave today to collect mum's medication, send car for servicing, run some errands, la la la... things that i cannot do on weekends when mum's around. and will be meeting the headhunter this afternoon too. have met quite a few thus far but none have gotten back. 

let's see how things go this time round.

discharged

mum's condition improved very quickly over the last 24hours. ultra-sound for shoulder had been arranged on another date but no major concerns per se. 

to be discharged by late afternoon.

gone in again...

things can only get more stressful with each passing day.

mum complained of shoulder pain last evening. it was extremely painful she said and wanted to head off to the family gp. when i told her i'd bring her to the hospital, she changed her mind and instead wanted to head out for dinner. and that was what i did. but i continue to observe her, did some basic checks and concluded that there was no fracture. perhaps a slight muscle strain, i concluded. and to help her, i administered muscle relaxants, a strong painkiller and a sleeping pill before she retired to bed.

this morning, she complained of the pain again and asked to head out to the polyclinic. i told her i'd bring her to the hospital again. she thought for a while, and this time round, she agreed. she dislikes heading to the hospital cos she doesn't want to be admitted. but i have always wanted her to do so cos at her age, it would be better to treat any issue early instead of allowing it to fester. as such, i'd suggest heading to the hospital as early as i could to (1) gauge her discomfort, and (2) mentally prepare her in the eventuality that she needed to be admitted.

this time round, looking at her condition, i was quite certain she would be asked to stay. and i said so not because of her shoulder, but her irregular breathing, occasional whizzing and the slight swell at her feet. so when we arrived, i let her describe her pains to the triage and the doctors. the nurses and doctors probed further and she started adding issues like breathlessness, whizzing, swollen legs etc. and true enough, she was asked to stay immediately. when i spoke with the doctor, she told me mum might have pulled a muscle but otherwise, her shoulder was fine. as for her breathlessness, the x-ray suggested that she had pneumonia and needed immediate treatment.

so that's it.... minimally 2-3 day stay. or more if the tests comes back and suggest something more nasty. nonetheless i must say - the maid had taken very good care of her over the last year-plus. ever since the maid's arrival, her frequency of being warded went down to almost zero. this admission was something unexpected. it adds to my current stress-level. then again, i should look it positively that her stay would allow me a mental break.

another trip

he is leaving for bkk again this thursday.

in telling me about this trip last week, he broke 2 of the 3 promises he made 5 months back. he had promised to seek my go ahead before planning for any trip (esp bkk), he did not. he simply broke the news to me. he promised to be sensitive and considerate to me, he did not. how else would he have agreed to such a trip when he knew i am so terribly down these days. but i did not make a fuss over it. he had, after all, told me of the trip one week in advance. 

but it couldn't have happened at a worst time, especially this period. i have not said anything thus far and have been controlling and managing myself. let's see if his behaviour over the next few days and during his trip. it's a good test to see if he knows what being sensitive and considerate really mean. really, i do not need any materials items etc, i only need him to be around. close to me. but as events over the last 2 months had unfolded, i have stopped asking questions. i simply accept what he says. i no longer want to be seen nor interpreted as imposing or suspecting etc...

i think all the stress is getting to me and i really don't know what the fuck is going on or happening to me anymore...

i really really wish he would not go.

*fill in the blank* sex

here's some possible reasons why sex occurs and the words that can be used to describe them...

• angry sex. sex that occurs when one is angry with his partner, often with other people.

• spiteful sex. sex that occurs when one does it to spite his partner, often with other people, and often in such a manner that his partner knows about it.

• revenge sex. sex that occurs when one wants to exact revenge on his partner, often with other people.

• placating sex. sex that occurs when one gives in (to his partner) to ease his anger/ dissatisfaction.

• charity sex. sex that occurs when one pities the opposite party for whatever reasons (e.g., the opposite party has a physical defect, or is not cute, or considered "no market value"...)...

• emotional sex. sex that occurs when one is emo-nemo and the other party tries to calm him down, and one thing leads to another and...

• routine sex. sex that occurs not becos one is horny but because it has become so routine it just happens. 

• mechanical sex. sex that happens when one party is not in the mood but simply give in, or play along. may be somewhat similar to/ overlap with placating sex or routine sex above.

• curious sex. also referred to as "exploratory sex". sex that occurs when one is curious. most of the time, one or both parties are not interested in relationships. can be difficult if, after the sex, one party becomes interested.

• dangerous sex. where one engages in sex that may lead to harming one or both or all parties involved (when more than 2 are involved).

• escapism sex. where one engages in sex as a form of escapism. i.e., to escape from something...

• stress-relieving sex. sex that occurs when one or both or all parties needed to to get rid of stress, including exam stress, eg in the lecture theatre! lol!

• discreet sex. sex where one or both or all parties involved pretend it never happened after that.

and the list continues...

have you been involved in one/ some/ all of them?

prolonged caregivership

the thing i realised about being in a state of prolonged caregiving to someone like my mum...

• i have lost almost all my friends. and for those who are still around, we hardly meet anymore. of cos, many can say that for those that stopped contacting, it is better off without them. but i do think we are social creatures and like it or not, we need people around us. 

• despite having a domestic help, my routine now revolves around my mum. of cos i do and often make excuses to leave her to have my me-time. yet, when i am away from her during these me-time, i have the tendency to want to go back to her. and this is so, to a certain extend, because i have gotten used to the habit of being around her.

• i only have one person whom i go out with weekly. it is the only time that i can ease my mind and relax, even if i do not speak much. and when he is not around, i do not have anymore persons to go out with. and for that matter, i do not find it natural to ask my friends out anymore.

• i do not plan for anything at short notice cos i needed the time to prep mum mentally. then again, i cannot plan for anything in advance (with confidence) too. and this is because i need to cater for the possibility of her turning mental/ emotional suddenly. 

• so the people i mix with these days are my one and only colleague that i go out for lunch with (cannot go out with other colleagues like i used to cos my boss insists we need to have half the department in office at any one time, even during lunch), my mum, my maid and bee.

• it is depressing... really, i do not know whether i am really normal anymore cos on one hand, i consider myself to be ok and managing things well, but on the other hand, i do not know if my subconscious really is.

i supposed these are stresses that caregivers experience. and it would really help if i have a supportive workplace.

ok, i am just ranting... 

having the last word

something a friend shared years ago made me reflect and shaped my behavior. he said that i have the tendency to want to have the last word in any conversation. and he said that during an sms conversation where i replied with something after he kinda ended the conversation.

that innocent feedback increased my self-awareness and was the basis for my own development. my view about having last words now is that people who insists (not that i did) on having the last say in any conversations may have their reasons for doing so, but there is no need to.

and when you want to end the conversation, make sure your last words are at least neutral in tone or better still, positive words or words of gratification.

agree?

commenting vs questioning

it's easier and probably more welcoming to ask questions than to make comments. asking questions often come across as showing interest and concern as opposed to the "see, i am right" or "i know best" feel when you make a comment.

do you agree?

"do you want to play with my balls?"

this is getting rather uncomfortable...

!!!

and on a separate note, i send this to tuls and his response was
"sally is a slut". 

lol!

mum

have not really written about her in recent weeks.

she's been stable and well other than the fact the her forgetfulness has increased. interestingly, it gets worst every evening about 8-9 pm. also, there were a couple of incidences of paranoia during sundown, last being two days ago. but it quickly dissipated when i brought her out for dinner. and that night, she told me not to head out for my exercise cos "this woman called pei loan, who had previously plotted to harm her and my dad, lives down the road with 2 other bad people". other than that, she seemed ok mentally.

physically, she's gotten heavier and i think this impacted her mobility and is now causing her legs to feel weak. she has also been complaining of numbness of her hands and legs. the numbness cleared when i got the maid to massage her.

so nett-nett, i would say she's keeping well. then again, she keeps telling me she's gonna die soon and she seemed pretty convinced about it.

hmmm...

swollen eye

have a very bad eye infection since monday. blood shot, swollen and the itch started yesterday. interesting and a little scary to have that "pressure from inside the eye, eye wanna explode" feeling. 

on a days' mc today.

careless whispers

one of the most interesting comment in this youtube thread was: "the most seducing song ever for women, created by the gayest man in the universe..." heh.

this song brings me back to my junior college days back in the 80s - before george michael came out as gay. and listening to it now, it brings back lots of interesting memories. of cos, when i looked at the mtv, i can imagine the whole video being played out by 3 gay men! after all, such events where one gay person sleeping around with another who might be the friend of his lover is quite realistic. hmmm, or perhaps george michael was simply singing a song that reflected his life back then?

no?

well, this is just a random post. you can call it a space-filler post too. frankly, there have been lots and lots of little things happening to me, my health, my physical self, etc but i don't really have the mood to pen them down. also, i think anything related to work or mum are gonna sound a tat too repetitive and boring. and as for relationship, well, let's just say i am taking a back seat for the meantime.

...

cutting own hair

i do trim my own hair once a while through the years but over the last 3-4 months, i have gotten into the habit of cutting my own hair. and i must say, i am getting quite good at it. i can do basic styling and have been able to achieve very even outcome all round, even the back of my head! 

but what's most impactful was the fact that every time i cut my hair, i save s$12 - or an equivalent of a simple dinner for the family! and with an average once a fortnight haircut over 3.5 months, i had saved a cumulative total of more than s$80! heh heh... well, of cos i didn't cut my own hair because i couldn't afford it. rather, it was out of necessity and convenience. you see, i have always kept my hair very short (almost crew cut) and the issue with such a hair style is that it grows out of shape very fast. and whenever that happens, i will head to the hairdresser to neaten it. but at times, when i feel sufficiently irked by my out-of-shape head, i'd just diy in my toilet (as in, trim my own hair). 

and with time, i got into the habit of doing it and... 

lol!

be like water

am going through this interesting period where disturbing dreams seemed to be the norm. it could be of building collapsing, of people getting killed, etc... and invariably, the trend i have observed about these dreams was me being helpless and unable to control the events and people around me leading to high levels of stress and tensions.

i supposed this is my sub-conscious trying to release all the internal tensions that i have been facing over the past couple of months. and i must say that although much of it was directly related to my immediate challenges at work, my personal life, and family-related issues also contributed to it. there are just too many things that are happening around me that i cannot control but are impacting me directly - e.g. an abusive boss at work, a mentally unstable mum, being in a state of deliberate passivity when it comes to relationship. also, everyone had, at some point or other, called me a liar, and have doubted my integrity and/ or my good intentions. 

these are all different aspects of my daily life and all have one thing in common - i am being placed inside a box and my ability to influence people and/ or events are either muted or removed altogether. and these are all causing me a lot of stress mentally cos i am not a person that enjoy being cooped up. my natural self is one that likes to be free, to move around when i want to, to interact, to be trusted, to do what i want, to influence people. perhaps this natural self is what people usually allude to as the character/ personality of horses - be it the sagittarius or the fire horse that i am.

i have been reading about stress management lately and seemed to show many of the behavioural signs that people under heavy stress exhibit. this include forgetfulness, substance abuse, withdrawal, feeling lonely, disturbed sleep patterns, body aches, and so on. and to manage stress, all resources i read talked about the need to adapt and to let go and move on if adapting is not an option. as i read these, i was reminded of concepts commonly mentioned in zen-teachings and also used by bruce lee - be like water, flow along, and when you experience obstacles, adapt to the shape, flow through it, or around it, move along.

some things i cannot let go, some things i can. and where i can, new stresses will appear, but i suspect these new stresses will evoke a creative response and not one that stifles me. and where i cannot let go, i need to simply find ways to flow around it. let me reflect on this further and i think i can find the answers.

and i must say this, as i type, things has already became a little clearer!

:-)

picture from http://numenrecords.co.uk/

killed

for some reasons, i found myself caught in a situation where my brother had held my mum hostage in his car. he refused to let her out despite my pleas and when i tried to physically get her out, he pulled out a gun and pointed it at me.

i prone onto the ground to protect myself from him in case he open fire at me. the police had been activated and one had stealthily crept up to behind my brother behind his car seat. sensing danger, he raised his gun, pointed at me and just as he was about to pull the trigger, the policeman fired a shot.

i couldn't see the bullet but heard a thunderous bang and the next thing i knew, my brother slumped forward, his hand dropped the gun and all was quiet. there was no blood and it was all silent. and almost immediately, the reality that i had witnessed my brother being killed hit me and i broke into tears, wailing as i did so.

i opened my eyes. it was all dark and quiet. i reached out to my phone and noted it was 4:03am. i went back to bed. it had been a terrible night for me, tossing and turning, and my body aching...

start of 11th year

and so we start off our eleventh year just like any other day. no fanfare, no celebrations, no dinners, not even a breakfast together. just a simple message and that was how we went through this first day of our eleventh year. it's a weekday after all.

have been terribly busy through the day with work. in fact, i was so caught up with work. had to conduct a day of training and then to clear some of my days' tasks before i leave office. decided that i cannot answer every email/ complete every tasks and simply complete the most important one. and after that, the usual dinner with mum and maid outside followed by shopping and then home.

and that wrapped up how i spend the day.

easily captured in one word - routine.

:-)

rock-a-bye baby

i have decided to take a tab of lorazepam tonight, really felt the need to take it to aid my sleep. and i took a b12 tab with it too. thought it'll help me cope with things at this moment.

let's hope the night passes by peacefully

zzz..

(?)

happy 10th anniversary

although i have refused to initiate any conversation since last month, i decided to text him this time.

happy 10th anniversary.

it's better to initiate this than to wonder whether he remembers, or whether he will text me, or...

it's for my own sanity.

i needed it for myself.

exclusively gay, & happy about it

read a rather interesting article before bed this morning. it spoke about the gay-straight continuum and proposed a scale that showed the 7 different categories of people between heterosexual and homosexuals based both on one's identity and behaviour (see above). it also proposed how we humans should view human sexuality and suggested that the majority of humans are actually bisexuals (see diagram below). 

and i tried to do the kinsey scale test, i got myself rated as shown...

well, no surprise right? 

lol...

paw dropped off

i had a really weird dream early this morning. it went something like this...

i was at my main door and i threw something at sapphie (my dog). i couldn't remember if it was food or a toy but when i threw it, she scrambled to grab it. but for some reasons, she scrambled on the spot and couldn't really move forward. it looked a little comical. but when i looked closely, i saw something very disturbing - one of her hind paw had broken off from her leg and she could hardly stand. she seemed to be in great pain as she struggled with her pawless hind leg. i rushed forward to pick her up in my attempt to help her. for that moment, i didn't know what to do. should i keep her paw in ice water so that the vet may re-attach it back to her body? i didn't know what to do. i could only sit there and cradle her as i tried to calm her.

but somehow, there was no blood in the whole scene. was i saw was simply a furry paw.

hmmm... weird right?

collapsing building

i took a morning nap after breakfast and was jolted from it by a very bad dream.

in the dream, i vaguely recall i was in some sort of a work group and trying to solve an issue. all the members of the team had left and i was left alone in the room. i was trying very hard to scribble some answers on a piece of paper. the "teacher" (dreams are like this, for a while, it was work, then it seemed like we were in a classroom setting) had excused himself after asking us to continue. then 2 ladies from marketing department (that was what my dream told me although i didn't know who they were in real life) came and told me they have been told to join my team. i had to move myself from the table (which had became a corner of the room) to make space for them. one of the ladies was rather impatient and went off to look for the "teacher". she wanted him to quickly come back and facilitate the session. after she went off, the other lady sat beside me quietly and continue with the  task of solving the problem given to us.

and then, the building started tilting. i could see the angle of the tilt when i looked out of the window. the angle created by the building window and another building outside indicated to me that the building had tilted close to 30 degrees to my right. it was scary. and next thing i knew, we (the lady beside me and myself) had to hold on to the handle bar (that suddenly appeared on the walls) so that we do not slip. but just as quickly as it tilted, it went back to its upright position again. i contemplated running out of the building as i suspected it would collapse soon. but before i could even make up my mind, the building started tilting again. this time, it did not stop at 30 degrees. it continued and the when it reach more than 45 degrees, the tilt picked up speed and the building started collapsing. in my sleep, i could feel my heart dropping. it was really scary.

and i woke up, my heart pounding furiously and i was perspiring.

i had napped for about half an hour.

scary. freaking scary.

marvel's avengers: age of ultron

fast-paced, non-stop action. entertaining. but i must say that at times, it was action overdose - too many people flying all over, fighting and all in slow motion. then again, when i reminded myself that it was a comic after all, things fell into perspective. also, i like the way the movie dealt with the softer side of the various individual - their past, their love life, their family. gave an additional dimension to the various characters. regretfully, we are gonna miss quite a few characters in the next film. for a start, thor will not be there.

i enjoyed the show.

tender kidney (?)

i have been experiencing this dull tenderness feel at the level/ location of my right kidney at my back. at times, it was a dull pain but at times, the pain can be quite acute especially when i pressed on it. have experienced this pain before and have spoken to the urologist about it. but the response i get was always similar - nothing to worry about. let's just hope this time round there is nothing nasty about it. will give it a week or two more and see how. 

if it persists, i'll probably head to my family clinic.

mouth ulcers

my mouth ulcers are killing me!

there are three altogether - two on the upper lip and one huge one on the lower lip. and they are superbly painful. they are creating havoc for me cos it very difficult to talk, eat and drink! and to manage the stinking sensation, i have been applying the numbing agent but end up with the lips drying up and cracking. 

arggghhh...

sleepy

i am not sure why but i have been feeling so sleepy these days, so much that i have problems trying to stay awake. just yesterday, i couldn't keep my eyes open as i read the newspapers. i kept dozing off and when i tried my very best to stay awake, i found myself unable to read pass a certain word...

the funny thing was this - i did not stay up late nor did i change my sleep patterns in recent days. 

hmmm...

end-of-10

this post marks the last day of our ten years together

it'll be our 10th anniversary tomorrow
this start of this decade-old relationship is gonna be a quiet one
i am not even sure if he remembers

end of 9 (start of 10), end of 8 (start of nine), end of 7 (start of 8), end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

pic from http://cdn.mysitemyway.com/