mum's anxieties

was on my way back home after leaving mum at my brother's place and i had the chance to talk to the domestic helper, something i didn't have the luxury to do when mum was around. i explained to her about mum's medical condition and asked if she could manage things. that was when i learned of some very interesting things. things like how mum would scold her whenever she watches the tv (confusion), how mum would be suspicious of her and kept asking her about her whereabouts, about where i was, and for that matter, about how mum was so unwilling to stay at my brother's place. mum told her that if she were to stay at my brother's place, my "wife" would come over and stay.

haha... that explained why mum insisted on bringing her soiled clothes along and not allow me to wash for her. of cos, i didn't allow her to do so.

:-)

home leave

my domestic worker finally left for her home leave on wednesday.

and i left my mum at my brother's place tuesday night. it was interesting for the fact that despite mum's initial hesitation and frequent backing out of the decision to put up at my brother's place, she didn't resist when we sent her to his place on tuesday evening. i supposed the fact that the flurry of events that happened on that day did help to distract her from the anxieties of staying over at my brother's place.

lol!

mum's birthday

we celebrated mum's 82nd birthday on 2 dec, tuesday.

that was also the day i brought her to stay at my brother's place. the plan for the day was for her to head to the rehab centre. i would return home from work early and bring her to my brother's place about 4-ish, to escape the after-work traffic. the earlier than usual timing would also allow me to pack her stuff and to allow us to return early so that the domestic help can pack her bags before she returns to myanmar 3 dec. but things did not happen as planned. things went topsy turvy all becos of my second sis. here's the story.

late morning my second sis texted me - i would like to bring mum out for lunch, is it ok? well, she had previously wanted to join me and mum on monday for dinner but for some reasons, decided to pull out. and now she wanted to bring her for lunch. i was a little uncomfortable cos mum is not good with last minute arrangements, much less from second sis. but well, i asked her to talk to mum herself. after ,making sure all the timings are deconflicted, i left her to manage mum's timings. mum needed to be back at the rehab before 2pm, or if the lunch extents a little later than 2pm, she should send mum home instead.  she said ok.

i came home at 4pm and guess what - mum was no where to be found. wtf! i called second sis and found out she had last minute decided to bring mum for an outing. wtf wtf wtf! of all times to do that. she has also lots of excuses when it comes to spending time with mum and now, when i don't need her to do so, she decided to pull a fast one. she also knew i will be bringing mum to brother's place! now, it's already 4pm and mum's not back. that meant that when mum comes home, she needed to shower, change up, pack her stuff, her medication, etc. and by the time we leave, it would be about 6pm. darned! and worst of all, mum cannot be rushed. she'll get anxious. and my brother's family had prepared dinner and... yup, everything planned spoiled.

i was very unhappy. no, to be exact, i was fuming! i called her and told her off. everything she has done all these while has been about her. fucking self-centric. since when has she ever considered things from other people's perspective? of cos i didn't say all these. i simply told her she had spoiled all the plans i had made just becos of her last minute impromptu decision. she could have at least told me about it so that i can pre-empt my brother too. 

anyway, as expected, we left the house 6.15pm. and lo and behold, there were traffic jams all over the expressways. i had no choice but to navigate my way there without taking the expressways! called my brother that i would be late. managed to arrive about 7.30pm. dinner etc went as planned and by the time we arrived home, it was close to 11pm. dead tired. but well... despite all the tensions, i think mum enjoyed herself. she was quite distracted by all the rushing and thankfully, her anxiety did not work up.

burning house

i wanted to blog about a dream i had 2 nights ago. it wasn't an angry dream but one where i felt very kancheong (cantonese for "flustered, a strong sense of urgency"). here's the story...

it was a dark space. i was standing next to (or in, it was vague, but didn't matter) a building where there were very beautifully carved and multi-coloured beams. something very similar to those one can find at chinese traditional temples. it felt cool and calm all round.

then suddenly, i noticed the beam on fire. it was not the ferocious type of fire. but one that was slowly licking and playing around at some parts of the wooden beam. the blueness of the fire contrasted rather interestingly with the multi-coloured beam.

at that time, my second sister appeared. she seemed to be having a little tiff with my brother, who also appeared out of no where but cannot be seen.

i called out to her to help me put off the fire as i didn't like what i saw. a fire is a fire. and fire and wood don't coexist without the wood being reduced to ashes. suddenly, the fire intensified. it turned from blue to yellow and from a slow licking flaming to a more ferocious angry one. and the fire started to spread. sensing danger, i called out to my sis and brother to help me put off the fire. she didn't. instead, their bickering intensified.

i felt very helpless as there was nothing i could do to try to stop their bickering. and the fire continued intensifying. then...

i woke up.

as i said, it wasn't a scary dream. but one that woke me up. and certainly, it was not difficult to interpret the dream. very straight forward actually. in the dream, the beam represented my mum.

confused mum

i had, for the longest time, been writing about mum and her mood swings as well as her deep sense of suspicions with people around her. all these were behavioral manifestations of her paranoia. but increasingly over the last couple of weeks, i am seeing a new development in her mental state. the frequency of paranoia-related conditions seemed to have stabilized and the frequency of confusion has increased. this is consistent with what i read in the internet about mid-stage dementia patient.

just yesterday, after the maid does the nightly massage for her, mum kept asking why her hands were different. after assuring her that they were the same, i tried to distract her by pointing her to the tv serial in channel 8. to mum, all tv serials have something consistent - there're always "good people", and "bad people". she took a glance at the show and then asked why the "bad people" are different. and as she asked, she showed me her hands. oh dear, she has confused the characters in show with her hands! and sensing the danger of her getting paranoid because of "bad people", i quickly switched to channel 5 where a news bulletin was being screened. the news was covering a story about a newly completed bus hub at bedok. the next thing i knew, mum asked me why the "bus interchange" were different! she had gotten the concepts of "hand" and "bus interchange" mixed up and now referred to her hands as "bus interchange".

the maid's initial look of confusion quickly turned to laughter. yup, it was indeed funny. but to me, it was also disheartening. i don't think my domestic worker understands the implications of this development. and i wondered if my mum would still be the same by the time the domestic help comes back from her home leave mid-dec.

hardworking maid

my domestic worker returns for a 10-day home leave this wednesday. and she has been very busy since last friday doing as much as she could before she leaves. so she's been washing the bed sheets, cleaning the bedroom cabinets, etc. doing things that she usually do once every 2-3 weeks.

to a very large extent, her presence has certainly relieved me of a lot of stress. and i am thankful that she's someone who does things without having me push her. and reflecting, i was glad i made the decision to let her go for her home leave at the end of the first year with me instead of after 2 years (as what most people do).

then again, let hope she comes back.

haha...

uneventful weekend

it was certainly and uneventful weekend. bee was away in bangkok with his mum and aunt and as a result, the usual saturday evenings meeting did not occur. the thing was - when there was too much time, the mind will get restless and run. not necessarily a good thing.

i am glad monday is here again.

haha...

uncomfortable anticipation

uncomfortable anticipation. this is probably how I would describe my feeling now about having my mum stay with my brother over the 10-days when my domestic worker goes for her home leave.

the domestic worker will return this wednesday morning and i will be sending mum over on tuesday evening. my sis-in-law readily and happily said she'll look after mum when i asked. but thinking about all the things we do for mum as a routine, her habits, her behaviour changes daily, i am fearful if my sis-in-law can manage. and this is made worst by my brother's history of impatience and (in)ability to manage his anger when he sees/ feels something is not going his way.

of cos, i can prepare the medication, her clothes, etc, but there will be a stop to all the opportunities to interact and to get the daily dosage of mental stimulation. these are things she gets when she attends the elderly rehab center and the nightly shopping trips daily. i also suspect this change in routine would not do good to her. added to that, i am not sure if my sis-in-law can manage her behavioral changes daily at specific times of the day, the need to consciously be aware of her comfort and sleep at night, to ensure her chest remains elevated through her when she sleeps to prevent coughing, the techniques needed to hold her when helping her dress up, shower or put on diapers etc. and to make things more challenging, she is showing signs of anxiety as seen in her increased incidences of confusion, and coughing in the day...

let's see how things go. my plan is to bring her home and to take leave when and if things go out of hand or when my sis-in-law cannot manage, considering she has 2 young kids to look after at the same time.

for now, can only hope for the best.

end-november!

it hit me earlier that we are approaching the end of the year. and i got a little reflective and asked myself if i have achieved what i set out to do at the start of this year - to make 2014 a fulfilling year. it would be about a month more before i capture my thoughts about this, per my yearly reflections since several years back.

and i concluded very quickly, and without thinking too deeply, that i had not. not fully for that matter due to many factors that were beyond me. then again, i shall not be too critical about it. overall and off the cuff, i think this year had been a relatively good one. of cos there were ups and there were downs, and many a times i had managed them proactively. and that was most important.

shall think about it more and prepare myself for the end-of-2014 reflections. 

:-)

protecting sapphie

i decided to get medication for sapphie eventually.

needed to prevent her tick medically as an added safeguard. i reckoned it would provide an additional layer of protection to her during this tick season. so for now, apart from having the maid to walk her outside the estate, away from the known tick-infested areas, and mechanically combing her fur at least twice daily to remove any tick, i have also dripped the anti-tick medication onto her skin for additional peace of mind. a pipette of medicine will last a month and since i applied it 2 days back, i think it is working. the number of ticks i managed to pick has decreased to almost none these couple of days. and today, i found a dead tick on her.

let's hope it stays this way.

:-)

lacking motivation

now, i must say this of november - i was not in the best form to blog.

in fact, every time i looked at my blog and wanted to write something, i started to wonder if it was worth the effort to capture what i wanted to write. perhaps it reflected the lack of ups and downs this month. and perhaps it reflected my boredom of blogging the same things again and again - work, mum and her mood swings, etc. and i wondered if i should blog trends rather than events.

haha... trust an intraverted person to think so much about such unimportant stuff... but certainly, apart from november, i think my monthly blog frequencies for each month this year had been record-breaking of sorts. it was kinda unprecendented. and admittedly, at some time or other previously, i simply blogged to chalk up the numbers. and during those times, i simply blog every little details, every little thoughts i had.

and i guessed i got a little tired for november.

haha...

shoes, oops

i was heading out for lunch yesterday when i saw this rather good looking guy (well, which gay man won't take an extra glance at a good looking guy right... well, that's besides the point for this post). we took the same shuttle bus to the airport for lunch and he sat a few seats in front of me. naturally, me being me, i began to scan his body as a whole and then i saw this....

he wore a very nice pair of leather shoes! the kind where one would wear as part of a nice proper evening wear, or a more formal occasion. but for this casual friday, this guy decided to wear the shoe without socks. now, that was something i felt was a mismatch. granted that the trend these days is to go without socks, but i think it has to be with a good nice matching pair of shoes. and certainly, the pair he was wearing didn't fit. but well, who was i to judge right? he was happy about it. then again, it would be great(er) if he had waxed his legs...

haha...

terence

well, that was the name i called myself when i first entered the gay circle. that was 1996. it was such a long time ago. i no longer use pseudonyms these days. and i proudly tell people - i am jeffrey. starts with a "j" and end with "-rey", the american version, not the british version. terence was, a pseudonym no less. but certainly, i chose it because it was the name of a very close friend back in my secondary school days.

and it remains a name that makes me feel very warm.

haha...

contact

for whatever reasons, i have quite a few people contacting me via jack'd recently. and these people tend to be young, in their 20s and 30s. haha...

of cos, what was even more interesting was the fact that after exchanging a few messages and revealing how we look like, they would go "wow, you are really good-looking" or "you don't look your age" to me. i mean, such things do happened once in a long while and after a few more exchanges of messages, the contacts will somehow wither away. but i am surprised by the sudden spike of such contacts these 2 weeks...

hmmm, it is certainly a very nice surprise and of cos, a boost to my ego. not that i was looking for such endorsement in the first place.

lol!

ks aka peace

i texted ks yesterday to ask if it was his birthday. i vaguely recalled 22 nov to be the day. he replied in the evening that it was and wished me the same too, one month in advance. haha... but seriously, i don't think he'll recall the exact day. but that doesn't matter.

ks (aka roger to other people) was someone i was superbly close to when i was in my late-teens. we were so close we were almost inseparable. we got along extremely well and the concept of sexuality was something we did not even ask. but of cos, he's straight whereas i am gay, and i was totally oblivious of my sexuality back then. we lost contact after my uni first year in 1997 (?) and we did not establish contact until sometime in the mid-2000s when he called me in my office. i had written about him some time back but had not spoken about him much after that. 

anyway, after he contacted me, i came out to him. he was shocked and ignorant about homosexuality. don't think he is homophobic but he certainly had a very wrong idea about gays. but well, that didn't matter. he re-established contact to get closure about why i stopped contacting him and we had met up at least twice after that. we are still in contact but do not make the efforts to meet up regularly. we have gone our separate ways over the last 2 decades despite being so bloody close back then. we had so many things in common. 

when i contacted him again yesterday to send him my birthday wishes, i noticed one very interesting thing. his nick in his whatsapp is "peace". that is exactly the same as my blog nick. and interestingly, my whatsapp nick is "omm", same meaning. lol... guess after all these years, we still have some things in common.

haha... let's not read too much into it.

tea with bee

it had been a long while and yesterday, we managed to find some time together. had send mum to my brother's place in the morning and i had the afternoon to myself after telling mum i needed to bring the dog down to pee. and for the first time after so many months (i've lost count how long since he came over), bee was able to come over without fear of making mum haywire. 

managed to laze around for an hour or two doing all the daily little stuffs (including giving sapphie a bath) before heading out for high tea at a local hotel. 

yumz...

:-)

having no leader

my department head had resigned and has started clearing his leave. and suddenly, the department went onto an auto-mode. everyone was just doing their daily activities like as though nothing has changed. i am not sure about my colleagues, especially the younger ones, but i certainly felt rather uneasy.

uneasy for the fact that this period is budgeting time and my fellow managers in the department seemed to be rather nonchalant about it. although it is none of my business, i thought it was important to pre-empt them so that they can do their ground work and prepare for it. one or two had started to feel the urgency but for some others, especially the junior managers, they simply brushed it off as a non-event. i fear difficulties downstream if budgeting is not done well. then again, if i want to be selfish about it, i would simply do what i need to do for my areas. but it is not nice if things go wrong next year.

let's see how things go, the new head will not come until january and there is a good month plus to go without a leader. all my previous companies, except this current one, have taken budgeting very seriously as we all understood the implications if it is not done well. for now, i will just quietly coach those that are more open to me.

ticks again

just this morning, i managed to find another 8 on her body. and considering she only went downstairs once since last night when i removed more than 30 from her body, i can only conclude that the ticks had most likely attached onto her body this morning. will try to get her to go to another location to pee later today and see how it goes.

i think i'll probably be posting quite a few posts about ticks in the coming days... then again, it's ticks season too!

lol!

:-)

anxiety

i think mum's sudden deterioration was to a large extent due to the maid's impending 10-day break starting 3 dec. you see, i have decided to let the maid head back home to visit her son and family. she has, after all, spend one year with us and has done a reasonably good job. it is also the right thing to do, considering her son is only 8 years old.

had broached the topic to mum a few months back and she was agreeable and she could empathise with the maid - being away from her son for so long. and then lately, mum has been asking repeatedly about when the maid will be returning. and to me, her repeated questioning is a sign of stress. and thus, linking her recent deterioration in her mental conditions, i could only conclude that it is anxiety-induced paranoia, delusion etc... that is making her haywire.

mid-stage dementia

i had tea with bee earlier and related to him about mum's health recently and explained to him that the behaviour she had displayed is commonly known as sundown syndrome. and as i describe, i googled about it. and i learned that 20% of patients with alzheimer's display symptoms of sundown syndrome. it also said such symptoms are clear signs of mid-stage dementia. i didn't really take the word "mid-stage" seriously cos i had the perception that a mid-stage dementia patient would be totally not capable of any logical thinking and would be in an almost vegetative state. 

and at my brother's place, my brother made a comment that my mum's memory had deteriorated so badly that she forgot she ate a packet of oyster omelette for lunch. to me, i wasn't surprise cos it had become a common thing for me. but hearing it from my brother, it struck me that i might have not observe the gradual change. 

and when i drove her home from my brother's place later, she told me she had left her watch at my brother's place. i immediately asked her to give him a call to tell him about it. that was when she told me she couldn't as she had left her handphone at my brother's place. i felt something amiss. it seemed like she had confused her watch for her handphone. and so, i reached out an inserted my hand into her handbag. next thing i knew, i found her handphone. i kept quiet about it and simply asked her to make the call. she looked at me, bewildered, and told me - i don't know how to call. i then asked her to call my sis-in-law instead. again she said - i don't know how to call. apparently, she had forgotten the preset numbers that she had been calling daily. i tested her by asking which number should she press to call me, or my eldest sis... she told me she didn't know.

linking all the recent incidents of increased combativeness, delusions, forgetfulness, confusion, insomnia, etc... it occurred to me that these were the exact signs of a mid-stage dementia patient - just like what i had read earlier. and it hit me. she had eased into mid-stage dementia without me even realising it. frankly, i felt rather ambivalent. on one hand, it was the "ok, it's here finally" sense of regret yet on the other hand, i felt a sense of relief. hmmm, i don't know how to describe. what has to come has already arrived. let's see how long she'll be in this state before she totally forgets about people around her.

hmmm...

mum this week

i wanted to capture a couple of events this week about mum's condition.

i attended a course of tuesday and wednesday and was able to return home early. mum of cos was surprised by my early return but took it in stride. i got back from work on thursday as per my usual work day at about 6pm and mum gave me a weird look. i didn't say anything except to take a seat beside her as i accompanied her to watch her evening tv serial. the maid was busy cleaning some stuff in the kitchen. and then mum suddenly turned to me and with very suspicious look, told me in a very low-toned voice (in hokkien) - that fucking cunt is mixing with bad people... i know, and she's fucking evil, and does a lot of bad things behind my back... ok, that's a clear sign of paranoia to me. i simply responded by asking why she said so... and she replied - i saw her mixing with bad people, this person called pei lian. i tell you, she's up to no good.... not wanting to alarm her or to aggravate her paranoia, i simply told her that everything is ok as long as she does her work and that we can keep an eye on her. the evening went by rather well once we got out of the house to do some shopping.

and on friday (yesterday) at 5.45pm, as i was walking back from office, i got a called from mum. once i answered, her voice rang through - where are you? you came back earlier and left again! i was kinda taken aback... since when did i come home earlier, i thought. i knew straightaway that her delusion has struck. i simply told her that i was on my way home and that i would be home soon. once i arrived, i immediately sat beside her and spoke with her. i explained to her that i was at work whole day and that i didn't return home. she stared at me and retorted - no, you were back home. somebody saw you and told me! i didn't pursue further. there's no point trying to correct someone who suffers from delusion. i simply told her that that someone could have seen the wrong person. once again, the evening went rather well and she was cheerful when i brought her out shopping.

looking at the two incidents, it came clear that they were paranoia and delusional. and that both occurred at around the same time - 4-6pm - typical sundowning syndrome. 

sighs.

ticks ticks ticks

in all today, i caught a total of 35 ticks from sapphie's body.

quite a harvest huh? haha... actually, i caught 2 this morning before i gave her a good bath. and after that bee brought her down to pee. i think it was then that she got a huge number of ticks jumping onto her cos when i combed her body this evening, i caught a total of 33.

huge numbers.... highest so far in my 14 years with her.

will continue to comb her body for the next few weeks.

:-)

massage

i went to the chiro this morning.

the treatment was really painful and the chiro told me my spinal movements today was very limited. following my chiro treatment, i decided to head for a massage. it was a thorough deep tissue massage. what an experience!

let's hope my body loosen up over the next 2 days or so.

but for now, i am aching all over. 

haha... 

:-)

i think i know

i did a research earlier on about dog ticks and apart from confirming that mechanical removal of tick is the most effective, i also found out that tick infection could result in the dog being allergic to red meat...

and that reminded me of this - a few years ago, sapphie almost died becos of allergy to her animal-based dog food. as a result of that, sapphie almost lost all her fur, lost half her weight, and her ears dropped after that. and because of that, she's vegetarian now.

i believed i've found the answer finally.

:-)

ticks again!

i discovered a tick on sapphie last week...

and this morning, the maid caught one. i decided to do a check on her body after i returned from work and... omg! i picked a total of no less than 20-over ticks! it was the most i ever caught from her body! my maid told me she managed to pick 2 from the room when she swept the floor and i decided to do another check. and guess what... i picked up 3 more on the bedroom floor! 

terrible! i guess it is that time of the year again where she'll get tick problems. it always happen towards the end of the year when the wet season starts. i will have to start the routine of combing through her fur daily for the next few weeks to ensure no ticks are left behind...

darned!

nasi lemak

decided to cook nasi lemak (coconut rice) today.... and had planned to include deep fried drumsticks as part of the list of items to cook. and when i took out the drumsticks from the fridge, i almost died. the drumsticks had gone bad and the smell was... whoohhhh!!! discarded them in the end. but that didn't stop me from making the nasi lemak. decided to change the drumstick dish to luncheon meat instead. and so for dinner, we had sambal tumis ikan bilis and hard boiled eggs, sliced cucumber and luncheon meat.

very nice!

haha...

eggs overload

was on course these 2 days and bee send me to the training centre.

we took the chance to have breakfast together and this morning, we saw this couple...

between the two of them, they ordered no less than 20 half boiled eggs!

wow wow wow....

everyone was staring at them!

lol!

course

attended a course over the last two days and it was a really good break.

and the trainer was rather idle, frankly. we ended at 3.30pm yesterday although the official end time was 6pm. and today, we ended by 2.30pm...

anyway, i took the course as a break from the daily work routines and to network. 

so...

:-)

step counting

over the past couple of days, i have gotten to count the steps i take per day, all thanks to the new app in iphone's latest upgrade. and with no surprise, the number of steps i take per day can vary from as little as 3000-plus to 12000-plus, with the lower numbers occurring on the days where i chose to drive to work, and not do any walking exercise in the evenings.

and since i started the count, my daily average is about 8,200 steps. and i also note the average numbers are fluctuating given that it is still in the initial days of my step-counting. let's see what the average is like over a longer period of time. i will be happy if i can keep it to about 8000 or more.

:-)

worshippers

bee has two facebook profiles. and on one of them, he regularly posts his selfies, and short status updates. now because he has the tendency to just accept friends, his profile has hundreds (or thousands) of friends. and whenever he post anything, he will have easily hundreds of people complimenting how good he looks, addressing him by endearing names like dear, lovely, etc. i think he enjoys the attention. seriously, much as he denies it.

anyway, i have always let him be although once a while initially, i did raise my discomfort about having people openly cruising him. anyway, he continued doing so and i have since let him be. and so today, as we were laughing about it, i challenged him to post a picture of a toilet bowlful of shit. i can almost imagined people liking it and making comments on it. my hypothesis is that people are so mesmerised about him, or fantasize about him that they will even worship the shit he post (literally).

initially he refused to. but after a while, he agreed and posted what i got from the internet for him - a big toilet bowlful of shit. he agreed to leave it till tomorrow morning. it would be a simple social experiment between us. and guess what!?! within a few minutes, people actually commented! haha! let's see what we can "harvest" from his hordes of admirers by tomorrow morning!

haha!

sticky niece & nephew

my niece and nephew are so fond of me they literally stick to me throughout the time i visit them, especially my nephew. i also learned from my brother that he would call out to me when he wakes up daily and ask for me...

so adorable right? 

haha...

"i wanna go to the movies"

i would head out to the movies almost every saturday after mum goes to bed. and always, when i told her about me heading off to the movies, she would get anxious. and despite telling me to go ahead, and frequently reminding me not to mix with bad company, she would also pull a long face. that was mum. and the behaviour she had been displaying were all signs of paranoia-induced anxiety. but she has gotten used to the routine. and so i thought.

today, as usual i told her i would be heading off to the movies. i had wanted to watch interstellar so much. and she said she wanted to come along. i told her the movie would be 3-hr long and that by the time it ended, it would be close to 2.30am. she said she was ok with it. but no, i was not ok with it. i was supposed to meet bee for the show, but then again, even if i was not meeting was not meeting up with him, i wouldn't let mum watch a midnight movie. doing so would break her medication routine and she would go all haywire. i explained to her but she insisted on wanting to come along. in the end, i decided to just not watch the movie.

when i told her that, her mood changed. she said that i changed my mind because she wanted to come along. and then she got into her moods. she refused to talk to me. hmmm, symptoms of depression. i could imagine all the thing that possibly went through her mind at that moment - he must be up to no good, he must be meeting bad people, he must have cancelled his appointment with bad people now that i am coming along, he must be up to no good... i was quite certain she had all these thoughts after all these years of looking after her. unspoken, but quite clear to me. her behaviour explained it all. and with her moods, she refused to talk to me. and when i tried to engage her, she responded very abrasively. i volunteered to bring her to the movies tomorrow morning instead, she refused and she simply said, in a very unhappy manner, no, no, you wanna go later, you go.

i was initially quite upset by this turn of event. upset for the fact that i will not be able to watch the movie i wanted to watch. upset that i had lost my me-time once again. upset that i couldn't meet up with bee. but after a moment of reflections, i kinda pity her. it was no big deal for me to lose my me-time or catching up with bee. i can always get it back easily. me-time to the movies, or at home, it doesn't matter. it's all in the head. but for her, she was caught in her own thoughts, so much so that it consumed her and controlled her. really, no one can release her from all these tensions other than herself. but that was not possible, given the fact that she behaved so because of her dementia.

quite sad indeed.

no bj...

brought mum to chinatown and ate some meat dumplings.

nice meal but in the process, i scalded the inner lining of my mouth. till this morning, i was still peeling off the dead skin... haiz. that means no blowjob for now. then again, hardly had any chance to do...

haha, tmi!

chinatown visit

brought mum out to chinatown last evening.

walked around the place and visited yue hwa and og. and as much as i don't like to say this, the clothes in yue hwa, a shopping centre that specialises in things from china, reminded me of dead people. really, the clothes, shoes, etc on display resembled those that my grand parents wore after the passed away. heh... and as for og, a store that specialises on ladies apparels, the stuff reminded me of our local ah lians. ah lian is a term used locally to refer to uneducated girls with a very heartlander dress sense. heh...

anyway, what's important was that the visit to chinatown was a break from the usual places that i bring her to. and she enjoyed herself thoroughly. 

:-)

mature & sexy

well, i have not really thought about it but hey, i am now (or rather, have been) in the category called "mature". lol... frankly, yes, i have been aware that i am considered middle-age but it was not something that i think about too much. ok, once a while, i do think about it... you know, down the hill, past the prime, sunset, etc... those common adjectives and phrases that one would use for people who are in the 40's... aka me. 

and then today, a couple of people send me messages in jack'd. these are people in their 20s/ early 30s. it was not common, in fact, very rare for me to get any message in jack'd in the first place. and the conversation with one of them went on to me asking "so what's your type?". and he replied mature and tone... and somewhere along the line, he added, you are really sexy. i almost fell of my chair (well, not literally of cos)! man, this was the first time someone ever used that term to describe me. i have never ever thought me sexy! haha... but well, it's very flattering i must say. 

anyway, back to the point about being mature. i do know of people who feel offended when they are referred to as mature. but for me, i am not bothered. maturity by age is a fact that i cannot change. but the last thing i would do is to place a negative judgment on that word. no point right? in fact, being at this age is very empowering. although i must say, i do have to constantly remind myself never to sound condescending when i interact with people younger than me.

:-)

thunderstorm

i was in my office at about 5pm when i heard a loud thunder clapping outside. i looked out of the window and it seemed a little darker than usual. i turned on my weather app on my iphone and saw huge purple patches covering the whole northern areas of singapore. that was no good. purple patches meant precipitation at its densest. i have never seen such patches before. 

from the time lapse picture, it seemed like the clouds were moving from the north downwards towards the east, where i work. i decided to stop work and head for home. certainly, i didn't want to get caught in the rain as i walked back. i was shocked to see the blackness of the sky once i walked out of my office building. i had never ever in my life seen anything so scary. 

now, despite the dark clouds, there was no wind! it felt really surreal. but at that moment, my only thought was to get home fast. and dry. my pace quickened as i did a mental projection of how the clouds from the north would arrive to my location soon and imagine myself getting all drenched before i could reach home.

the sky got darker with every seconds. i panicked and i started running. i ran like as though the sky was gonna fall onto me. i started thinking of all the horrible things i saw in the movies. about twisters, about extra terrestrial beings, about space ships etc. my imagination ran wild.

within minutes, i arrived at the canal. and from there i could see my estate. it looked terrible. it looked like the whole estate was covered with black smoke! it was scary. oh my goodness, i thought. please let me get home before it rain, i thought as i ran. i was at my estate gate when huge gusts of winds started blowing. and then it started to drizzle. 

i made it home dry.

thankfully.

and then it started pouring.

flu season

as of today, my mum and maid have come down with flu symptoms. body aches and sore throat. same for my office, two colleagues down. looks like the season has started. need to be extra careful and err of the side of safety. better bring them to see the doctor before it turns nasty, especially for mum. if it does, the risk of getting pneumonia will be very high.

woozy

i think i caught the flu bug from my nephew. kept sneezing, and had been feeling feverish and out of sorts these two days. 

went to the doctor yesterday and was given 2 days of mc. it was an interesting visit cos for the first time, the doctor insisted on giving me mc. it started with him asking if i need an mc to cover for the time i took to see him. i said ok and he went on - perhaps you should take 2 days, today and tomorrow. i didn't know how to answer and simply said, well, perhaps a day would be ok. the doctor then looked at me, and said, no, you should take two days to have a good rest.

haha... this has never happened to me before cos most of the time, i would be too shy to ask for time off. but well, since the doctor insisted, i simply thanked him for it and left. and yes, after taking the medication, i felt like i was floating and my eyes were really heavy. but yeah, it was a good two days of rest.

:-)

what is "love"

such a fuzzy concept.

and it is certainly a very heavy topic. i don't intent to expand on it except to say that it is how you define it and the context where this concept is applied - whether it is between lovers, between friends, between family members, etc. 

but all things being equal, and taking away all the elements of lust (which certainly does not apply to some context e.g. family members), love distils to the sense of responsibility to another, to care, to be concern about and to be respectful to the person concerned.

this is how i have come to equate the concept of "love" over time. there is nothing lustful about it. and regrettably, many equate love with sex, with desire, with passion... etc - most of which is more related to lust than love. 

:-)

white thongs

i wrote about the caucasian guy who wore a red thong recently. well, he did it again. i was there early this week and he arrived when i was about to leave. and this time round, he wore a white thong. it looked identical to the red one he wore, even the cock ring. and i really think he looked damned...  errr... well, i donno how to describe. 

haha...

busy day

it was a very busy day...

brought my sis-in-law and the kids and my mum to sentosa. and guess what? the bloody place was so unfriendly to wheelchairs! we ending up walking like crazy. in the end, i decided to just leave the place and drive to resorts world instead. and sighs, the place was so crowded we ended up parking the car a distance away. thankfully, we managed to get to the s.e.a aquarium. the kids enjoyed it tremendously.

but the trip set up back almost 200-over dollars.

haiz...

:-)

busy week

it was funny. i started this week with almost nothing in my schedule. but over the week, the schedule got filled up very fast and i ended up with almost a back-to-back activities for the week. 

but of course, i was not complaining. in fact, being occupied allowed time to pass very fast.

:-)

a sign of worsening condition?

this morning after the maid changed mum's diapers, mum called out to me and asked me how to wear her sarong.

it was weird. she obviously had her sarong on, yet she was figuring out how to wear it. i didn't want to cause her any alarm. i simply told her that she had her sarong on. but she sounded a little confused and said once again that she wanted to wear her sarong right. 

hmmm, she never had any problems with her sarong before. and this was the very first time this happened. was this a sign of worsening of her mental abilities?

i don't know. then again, even if it is, i am not surprised. 

let's see how things go.

ugly singapore people

often a times, i'd take the public transport. and as always, i'll do what i enjoy most - people watch. 

and that was what i did twice this week. and behaviour aside, i always conclude that people in singapore (not necessarily just singaporeans) are generally not very good looking (aka ugly). i really think there's room to be more glam-looking, or better still trend conscious (and i am speaking about myself too)... 

heh...

she's 14

this week 4 nov, sapphie turned 14.

a grand old dame for a dog but still she behaves like a puppy. still as playful, still as active. ok, maybe a little lethargic, but well, for her age, she's considered hyperactive! anyway, as she's vegetarian, i gave her her favorite peanut butter sandwich as a birthday treat! and 2 days later, half a papaya.

and she happily ate everything!

:-)

once in a while - 2

once in a while, i enjoy beating those bloody sports cars on the road by simply driving slowly but skilfully.

here's what happened many a times. as i drive, i get fast cars zipping and weaving their ways between cars as they revved their engines. bloody show-off people, i often thought. but what was interesting was that in singapore road, you cannot rely merely on speed. you need skills. you see, speed seemed to be what most youngsters go for. the adrenaline rush when they rev their engines and feel the super fast pick ups. but as for skills, it comes with experience and naturally, people who has been on the road longer (older people) tend to have this. 

and so, off expressways, despite the super fast pick-ups and the noise they create, these young speedster always end up getting stuck at traffic lights. and when that happens, older folks like me would catch up, and then we can look at them and laugh at them. of cos to them, they probably think we are looking at them with envious eyes. but that is far from why we did so. haha... similarly, on expressways, often we get like-minded experience drivers "bracketing" these fast cars and they end up getting "escorted" by slower cars along expressways, much to their frustrations. 

i know all these tricks. 

i have done them all.

:-)

once in a while - 1

once in a while, i like to react very nicely to rude people (most of the time, i either ignore or i retaliate... haha). and when i do so, the shock you see in their response from your non-mirroring reaction can be very fun and somewhat gratifying. 

yup, this is a warped logic to some of you, but it works for me.

and this morning was a classic case. what happened was that on my way out for breakfast, i had to change lane to get to the housing estate nearby. and naturally, i signalled my intentions early as i needed to get into the filter lane. the traffic was rather heavy. i looked into my rear mirror and saw a mazda, but he was a distance away. i then checked my blind spot and noted a nice comfortable space and i started filtering to my right. next thing i knew, a car horned me. i thought i had missed a car in my bling spot but no, there was none. it was only the mazda. it was weird cos there was lots of space between my car and his. i checked the rear mirror and saw the mazda driver cursing and swearing, presumably at me. i also noted he pointed his middle finger at me and flashed his high beam non-stop. very hostile indeed.

hmmm... weird. i didn't think i had done anything wrong to warrant such hostility. anyway, i simply waved an apology to him. i looked into my rear mirror as i did so and noted he quickly retracted his middle finger. and a split second later, he waved back. the momentarily non-reaction from him was interesting. my reading of it was that he felt embarrassed by his rudeness. he drove passed me as i entered the filer lane. i took a quick glance and noted he didn't look at me. he simply sped off.

"road ragers" on a monday morning... hmmm. perhaps he's had a bad weekend.

moody mum

i think it was cos i went out last night, this morning, mum was so so moody. 

and i wasn't surprised when she asked me to bring her to the temple after we did our marketing. i, of cos, was not prepared. i was dressed in my singlet and shorts and so i told her we'll do the trip in the afternoon. i took the opportunity to ask her why she wanted to head to the temple and said she had not been there for a very long time (which was not true). and when i probed further, she said she was feeling troubled. she didn't want to go into details.

anyway, through the conversation, she claimed that my brother had asked her why she had insisted on offering prayers at his home and given that he had asked her, she insisted he and his wife must have now suspected she's up to something. yup, signs of paranoia again. i reminded her that she had been forgetful and that they were asking simply because they were worried and concerned about her well-being. i then went on to also tell her that i had been bringing her to the temple almost every fortnightly except that she had forgotten.

well... it was a simple conversation, but she interpreted it negatively and ended up refusing to go to the temple after that. also, she refused lunch, got moodier, and avoided me. i simply let her be. from the look of things, i was sure she must have tried to read between the lines when i told her she was forgetful etc. and she must have allowed her imagination to run wild (again). i simply left her alone and let her pout for the whole day. brought her to my brother's place and she behaved normally to everyone, except me. she continued to refuse to talk to me.

heh heh... she went to bed earlier than usual today and i have given her an additional sleeping pill to calm her. but i think it is not working cos within an hour, she woke up and she has moved to the living room sofa to lie down. 

let's see if she falls asleep.

:-)

bee's birthday

today is bee's birthday.

and as per the last couple of years, there was no dinners nor celebrations as we had wanted to keep it low profile. got him a pair of sunglasses last month in advance and that was it. of cos, we went out for a quick drink last evening and that was it.

simple and sweet.

chiro's birthday

my chiro's birthday went by over the weekend and this time, i wished him correctly (i wished him happy birthday on 1 oct and made a boo-boo out of myself last month!).

heh....