"i wanna go to the movies"

i would head out to the movies almost every saturday after mum goes to bed. and always, when i told her about me heading off to the movies, she would get anxious. and despite telling me to go ahead, and frequently reminding me not to mix with bad company, she would also pull a long face. that was mum. and the behaviour she had been displaying were all signs of paranoia-induced anxiety. but she has gotten used to the routine. and so i thought.

today, as usual i told her i would be heading off to the movies. i had wanted to watch interstellar so much. and she said she wanted to come along. i told her the movie would be 3-hr long and that by the time it ended, it would be close to 2.30am. she said she was ok with it. but no, i was not ok with it. i was supposed to meet bee for the show, but then again, even if i was not meeting was not meeting up with him, i wouldn't let mum watch a midnight movie. doing so would break her medication routine and she would go all haywire. i explained to her but she insisted on wanting to come along. in the end, i decided to just not watch the movie.

when i told her that, her mood changed. she said that i changed my mind because she wanted to come along. and then she got into her moods. she refused to talk to me. hmmm, symptoms of depression. i could imagine all the thing that possibly went through her mind at that moment - he must be up to no good, he must be meeting bad people, he must have cancelled his appointment with bad people now that i am coming along, he must be up to no good... i was quite certain she had all these thoughts after all these years of looking after her. unspoken, but quite clear to me. her behaviour explained it all. and with her moods, she refused to talk to me. and when i tried to engage her, she responded very abrasively. i volunteered to bring her to the movies tomorrow morning instead, she refused and she simply said, in a very unhappy manner, no, no, you wanna go later, you go.

i was initially quite upset by this turn of event. upset for the fact that i will not be able to watch the movie i wanted to watch. upset that i had lost my me-time once again. upset that i couldn't meet up with bee. but after a moment of reflections, i kinda pity her. it was no big deal for me to lose my me-time or catching up with bee. i can always get it back easily. me-time to the movies, or at home, it doesn't matter. it's all in the head. but for her, she was caught in her own thoughts, so much so that it consumed her and controlled her. really, no one can release her from all these tensions other than herself. but that was not possible, given the fact that she behaved so because of her dementia.

quite sad indeed.