my "favorite" list

if what a person has in his favorite list (in the laptop, smartphone, etc) is a reflection of the person's focus/ preoccupations at that point in life, then i would describe myself as a realist and a perhaps even a voyeur! and for that matter, a very organized one! lol!

and i say cos i have, in my list, i can see 3 groups of links, namely, (1) links i use frequently for work such as my company email login and intranet, (2) my personal life journaling and admin - blogger, google, bank log in pages and (3) links that provide me with the latest info, news, local weather, and/ or happenings in the local gay scene.

and i have observed that the urls in the first two group hardly change as compared to the urls in the last group. that, perhaps, reflects the ever changing interests as the scenes and chat topics evolve. haha...

so what do you have in your favorite list?

:-)

resigning well

my chief's resignation had been accepted and will be announced today. looking at how she had managed the process, i thought she had done well and given me lotsa food for thought and things to learn. she had shown utmost eq in how she managed it and in doing so, strengthened her image and credibility in front of many. and it reinforced my belief that the resignation process is just as important and must be seen as an opportunity to build one's credibility in the industry.

firstly, there was a lot of sensitivity in managing the process and breaking the news. she knew her departure would create a lot of internal tensions and she staged it such that she informed key individuals within the department first. and she did this so as not to create surprises and more importantly, to prepare every one mentally before the news comes out. she started this whole process ever since she firmed up her thoughts about moving on.

secondly, she managed the board and inform key board members about her decision and stood firm on her thoughts. the early preparations and process of obtaining the blessings of the board members reflected the respect she had for the board members and it was very well appreciated by them. in the process, she gained the respects of all board members. many were surprised that they were not consulted by the new boss and tried to keep her but she declined the suggestions graciously, and without burning any bridges. as of yesterday, 2 board members have asked her if she would be keen to join their companies.

thirdly, she prepared the department well before the new boss break the news company-wide. she didn't want the department to hear it from third parties and wanted to make the announcement to us herself. she held a closed door meeting last evening. a few of my colleagues broke down and cried on the spot. it reflected the affections they have for her and the chemistry they have with her. her leadership and personal touch touched many.

lastly, she assured the department that the head chopping process for the department stops with her and that she had put in every possible effort to impress upon management (read - the new boss) that there should be no more heads to go. in doing so, she managed the morale of the department and stopped speculations from my colleagues as to who will be asked to leave next.

reflecting, i thought she managed the whole process very well. and despite her personal views and differences with the new boss, she has kept these views to herself and a very small but close group of individuals. instead, she has put across her decision and the whole process very neutral and objective and she's been very professional about it. 

with all these done, she shared with me one-on-one that she's very at peace with her decision and that she appreciates the fact that despite being asked to go, there are people up there who appreciates her and offered her opportunities. and most importantly, she knew she had forge a closely knit and effective team within the short 10 months with the company.

we will all miss her.

no energy

i went back to work yesterday.

but really, i didn't feel the energy to want to work. there was no inertia to kick start the engine. and frankly, both yesterday and today, i got so tired and sleepy by early afternoon that i had a hard time staying awake. i supposed i am feeling tired and burned out, and at the same time affected by the impending resignation of my chief.

darned! 

mum falling sick again?

mum's health has been kinda swinging to-and-fro lately.

it was first respi issues but it kinda improved after i gave her prenisolone, then her mental health went haywire, her paranoia started again and she had dreams about my grandpa and she ended up getting suspicious and delusional. but it got better after i adjusted her meds and just when i thought she was ok, she started coughing. and i started her on a round of cough syrup. the cough cleared and now her body aches has started to set in. sighs... just started her on tramadol today.

let's hope she stabilises soon. not sure if the pattern of falling sick during the mid-year period is starting again. but optimistically, she has had a good 4-5 months of relatively good health and that, by itself, was a very good record for her considering how she got hospitalised every other week just less than a year ago.

we'll see how things go.

one more resignation...

well, my chief has confirmed her resignation and it will be within days before her resignation would be announced. she had mentioned it to only me and another head of department and we were both asked to keep mum about it. and while all these undercurrents were going on, one other of my colleague threw her letter today.

it frankly did not come as a surprise for me. but still, it was not a very good feeling to have to acknowledge the finality of her resignation. anyway, it looks like there'll be another round of changes coming up. 

it is very draining. that i supposed it is something we all have to get used to.

sighs...

how come you are back?

it was interesting for me yesterday when i returned to work.

the news that i had undergone a day procedure somehow morphed to something like i had undergone a day surgery. and a lot of my colleagues from the other departments were kinda surprised to see me back at work. you should be at home, why are you back at work? you should not be here... these words kept coming. and i supposed it was to be expected cos there was another colleague who went for a minor day op to remove a ganglion and was given 2 weeks home rest. and for my case, somehow, everyone felt it was an even more serious op but couldn't understand why i was given "so few" days rest at home.

felt it was kinda funny but i just smiled and took it like as though nothing major had happened. then again, it was quite an effort to have to repeat my story about the procedure and to keep whipping out my iphone to show them the stone fragments.

lol!

can i borrow...

i cannot blame this on the world cup but...

it happened every world cup for the last (i donno how many) world cups. and every time it comes around, i will have people trying to borrow money from me. and no, it is not becos i am rich but rather, people know i will help if i could. no questions asked. i am not sure if it is due to gambling but looking at how it always coincided with the world cup periods, i can't help but draw the connections. almost 2 decades ago in the mid-90s, it was a colleague who borrow 1.2k, and then again the world cup next, and then again, and again... each time, the amount varies, but all the time, consistently, the money went out and the person either disappeared or pleaded for longer time to return... and a few times, they never did. and this time round, it is happening again.

i received a message in the facebook messenger from an ex-colleague asking me to lend him, hear this, 30k! yes, 30,000 dollars! and in the very very long message, he elaborated a long list of sob stories about his mother etc. i suspected it was due to gambling but i didn't ask. he had borrowed some cash twice before. first time he paid up. but the second time, he didn't and i didn't pursue. so, this time round, i checked with another ex-colleague and his immediate response was - oh, must be gambling again. now, from this response, i could only guess it was not the first time he had gambled and that he had a certain negative reputation amongst people. 

but i must say - his request did put me in a somewhat difficult spot. i know i shouldn't lend him any cash and i don't intend to. i know i would be feeding his bad habits if i did so. then again, i didn't know how to respond to him. what if he pushes and asks for a smaller amount? i know i will not be able to manage this. and i have thus have chosen abstained from replying. and in not replying, i felt bad about it. haha, i am always giving myself such stress. and as i said at the start of this post - i cannot blame this on the world cup. i can only blame this on greed. the greed of each individual. it hurts the individual, and worst still, the people around him. and in this case, i am part of the collateral damage. darned!

this time round, i must once again convince myself that this is the right thing to do. and as always, doing the right things are always very difficult. but i have to do it!

heels dug in!

national stadium

the new singapore national stadium

brought mum to the sports hub 2 days back after my procedure. decided to go to a less crowded place. and i was awed by the sheer size of new stadium. but i must say, there was not much emotional connection per se. after all, it was a new place. there is nothing to connect me to it compared to the old stadium. the old national stadium brought back memories, sports and non-sports-related ones. 

that was the place where i grew up with, the place where i took part in my school's athletics and track and field practices and competitions. that was the place where i broke my wrist. it was during a long jump practise in 1980. that was  a very long time back. and that was the place where we had many runs. i remembered a particular run that ended in the stadium. i think it was the army half marathon back in the mid-late-90s. i was dead tired after 18km and pushed on with ankles that hurt like crazy. and when i entered the stadium, all feelings of tiredness disappeared. it felt really good to enter a place so huge and so majestic. that was a long long time back.

the old national stadium was also the place where many national day parades were held. and in 1991, i was involved as the flash-card contingent deputy co-ordinator. that was a very significant year. that was the year after goh chok tong became the prime minister and that was the year where we had quite a few hostile posturing by malaysia. it was a very politically-tense year. every picture that was designed was so carefully selected. i remembered a particular picture that the 5000-strong contingent had to piece together. we had rehearsed day and night for it. and during a vetting by a senior government official, it was decided that picture number 2 might be misinterpreted and just 2 weeks before the national day itself, the picture was changed! we toiled like crazy for it. all these amidst all the live munitions that was moved from our camp to the a location near the stadium in case we need to respond to military hostilities. and despite the open mobilisation on the eve of the parade, the parade turned out well. we all heaved a huge sigh of relief.

and most interestingly, the old stadium was a very dear place to many gay men in the 90s, me included. there were many spots, both inside and around the surrounding car parks, where gay men hung out. it was meat market on certain nights of the week. i came out in 1996 and the stadium was one of the few places where i hung out rather often incognito initially, and later as myself. too much memories about those days. some of the most sought after spots include the gym, the toilet/ shower facilities near the gym, the car park outside the gym, the quiet dark walkway circling the stadium, and so on. that was where i met amos, where i came out to derek, where many anonymous ons occurred.

hmmm... too much memories. my growing up years, both as a person and as a gay person. i still miss the grand old dame. well, those were a couple of fond memories i had of the grand old dame. i will have to start this new journey with the new lady. until then, it will just be what the name says - (just) a national stadium.

:-)

harvesting diamonds!

i had been briefed that after the eswl procedure, i would pass out the stone fragments shortly, within a day or two. but the immediate passing of blood after the procedure really made me rather scared to look at my own urine. and apart from the gradual lightening of my urine, i did not really notice any stone fragments being ejected. but i believe it started last night cos it felt a little gritty when i peed. and this morning, it felt the same and i decided to do what was most logical to me - i inserted my hand into the toilet bowl to feel the base. and yes, it felt sandy and my conclusion was that the stone fragments had started coming out of my bladder.

and the next time i felt the urge to pee, i decided to use a sift to sift my urine. and guess what? once i peed, a piece of stone fragment came out! and as i continued, a few other small ones came out too. i felt so relieved by it. the experience reminded me of what i went through 2 years ago and it felt good. and thought i'd take a photo of the fragments. shortly after that, i felt the urge to pee again! and this time round, a few other relatively large fragments came out too! wow! what a harvest! 

well, i know it sounded kinda weird and gross, but i had a good morning collecting all these stone fragments. the largest measured about 3mm, probably accounting for half the stone. and for the rest of the day, i continued drowning myself with lots of water. but there was no further stone fragments ejected. i supposed all of it had come out.

:-)

managing my day

it was an interesting but tiring day for me.

i went through the eswl procedure today and mum didn't know about it. i didn't want her to worry or worst still, go all mentally haywire. and so, i left the house early in my work attire and brought along a change of clothes. drove my car to the basement, did a superman (change in my car), kept my work stuff in the car before heading off to the hospital.

thankfully, the procedure ended by about 10-ish and i could answer her routine call during lunchtime. bee came to pick me up after the whole procedure and we headed to lunch before i came home and hit the bed. it was close to 2.30pm and my body was totally incapable of anything. had another round of diarrhoea and i was just too drained after that. took a quick nap and woke up by 3pm. felt much better and quickly left home again. didn't want to have mum coming home to find me in bed.

had a good afternoon coffee before heading home at 4.30pm. told mum i had a meeting that ended early and so i decided to head home instead of back to the office. she seemed ok and didn't suspect anything. and she seemed pretty happy when i brought her out for dinner and a round of shopping before returning about 9.30pm. thankfully my body held up.

am feeling tired and a little feverish now. been a long and tiring day.

good night!

post-procedure, the shock

the eswl procedure went as planned. i had wanted to experience it and i did. in life, it is always good to experience things at least once. that thought kept me going. and certainly, it is not something i would want to go through again if i have a choice. for what came next was something i didn't expect. 

the eswl procedure

i went through the extracorporeal shock wave lithotripsy (eswl) aka shock wave procedure today. and it was a really painful experience. well, to put in perspective, it was not as painful as the pain i felt about 2 weeks ago. but it real bad enough. here's the story.

fasting starts

no, i am not talking about the muslim fasting month of ramadan. it's the fasting i need to do from midnight onwards before my procedure tomorrow morning. no food, no drinks, no nothing! well, the nurse did tell me i could take small sips of water if i really feel thirsty.

anyway, i am going to bed soon. let's hope for the best tomorrow.

:-)

why you come to work?

everyone in the office was kinda funny. all of them thought my procedure was today! and so, almost every other person i met today asked: why did you come to work today? and that includes my chief!

lol!

fasting month

the fasting month of ramadan has started. 

and as per my usual practice,
i bought a packet of dates for all the muslim staff in my company. 

thought it is a nice and respectful gesture before they start their fast.
and on top of that, i have also send out
well-wishes of health and happy fasting to all my muslim friends.

selamat berpuasa 
kepada semua muslimin dan muslimah!

:-)

stabilised mum?

well, mum seemed a lot more stabilised today.

i wondered if it was due to the adjustments in the medications i did last evening. but to play safe, i continued to administer the extra half a tab of quetiapine to her this evening. if all goes well, she should be ok tomorrow when i head off for my procedure.

:-)

adjusted meds

earlier on, mum appeared more sleepy than usual and kept yawning as she watched the tv. and for once, we did not watch the chinese drama serial. instead, we watched malay shows on the local malay tv channel. and by about 9.15pm, she was already half dosing off.

despite that, i have increased the dosage of quetiapine (by 12.5mg) for mum. added to that, i gave her a tab of lorazepam to aid and deepen her sleep. i need to ensure she sleeps through the night uninterrupted by dreams (of my grandfather). hopefully when she wakes up tomorrow, she'll be less paranoid. will probably need a few days to get her to stabilise and for her relapse to recede. 

let's hope it works.

2 more days

i have 2 more days to go before the shock wave treatment.

admittedly, i have been feeling kinda neither here nor there (ambivalent) since i was told i needed to go through the treatment. and with the stone moving about a week plus ago, i started to get a little anxious. and this was becos on one hand, i hope the stone does not come out so that i could go through and experience the procedure; and at the same time, i could use the opportunity of the medical leave to take a good break from work. yet on the other hand, i am hoping that the stone comes out so that i can get on with life. but as of now, and with 2 days to go, this ambivalence has become somewhat of an anxiety. what if the stone decides to come out at the last moments? 

i supposed i should just relax and adopt the que sera sera attitude.

haha!

:-)

mum relapse

here we go again... mum's paranoia has started again.

returned from work and she gave me this weird look. i sensed something amiss. and true enough, after i ate my rice, she hurriedly asked me to close all the windows. and after that, she said she didn't want to head out of the house, which was unusual. and while watching tv, she pulled me aside and told me - the maid is a bad person. last night, your ah gong (grandfather) appeared in my dream and told me to be careful of her. she is up to no good and has been moving around the house and behaving in a suspicious manner. and as though it is not enough, she added, you don't believe me right? i am your mother and i won't lie to you... when you sleep tonight, you must make sure you lock your bedroom door.

ok, enough said. mum has gone haywire again. need to adjust her medications again. i really hope she will stabilise and get back to normal within these 2 days. i'll be undergoing my shock wave procedure in 2 day's time and i really do not need this to complicate things.

hmmm...

gardens by the bay 2

here're some of my thoughts about the gardens by the bay after visiting it yesterday...

• huge place, very beautiful
• eye opener, very impressive, especially on the massive scale of things
• wide range of plants, many that i have not seen before
• beautiful super trees that gave the avatar kinda feel, especially at night when the whole tree gets lit up 
• would be good to have some better sign postings

here're the negative areas...

• fall slightly short at the detailed levels, eg concrete pavements that came across as slip-shot when constructing
• would be good to have some better sign-postings
• toilets a bit dispersed and hard to find
• a little artificial, but of cos, it is a "garden" and not a nature reserve

on the whole, it still impresses and visitors leave the place happy.

:-)

gardens by the bay

was a superbly blah day... until i decided to do something different. i brought mum to the gardens by the bay. thought it would be a nice outing and yes, it turned out very well indeed! and mum certainly had a very good time admiring the flowers and the sights and sound. and interestingly, and perhaps a reflection of mum's negativity, she kept asking very negative questions throughout the visit. here're some of her questions...

• this is a huge place, will there be a lot of mosquitos at night?
• there are a lot of plants and trees, are there snakes?
• i do not see street lamps, will it be very dark and scary at night?
• i do not see shelters, if it rains, where will everyone go? i am sure everyone will get wet...

her line of question were rather negative. instead of seeing the trees, the flowers, the beauty, the sights and the sounds, her first attention was towards things that were rather negative. and it was until i kept reminding her of the flowers, the trees, and every other positive things before she started to enjoy herself. we ended the night with a good nice dinner.

not too bad an end to an otherwise very blah day for me!

:-)

blah day...

i had a super blah day today...

perhaps it was becos my bro and his family are suffering from a bout of flu and we were advised not to visit. and that left us with lots of time and not knowing what to do. i ended up doing nothing at home. well, of cos, nothing doesn't include giving sapphie a good cleaning of her ears, and a bath. but for reasons unknown, i was so tired, lethargic and sleepy. and i drifted in an out of sleep through the day.

i ended up feeling very miserable. i needed some distraction. i needed some attention. i needed to keep myself occupied. and it didn't help that bb didn't answer his phone. he was quiet the whole damned bloody day...

arghhh...

invention of love

this is a very sad story. but it brought out the point very clearly.

you cannot build love. you nurture it with your heart and soul.

:-)

r u going to pd2014?

common line of question for me yesterday with some of my friends...

friend:  are you going to pink dot?

me: nope

friend: why? come/ go la. come/ go and support.

me: for?

friend (something along the line of...): need to show support and make a statement.

me: i am gay and i do not need to make any statement to be myself.

conversation ended there and then.

well, till today, i have not seen the need to attend the event. there is no motivation for me to be there. would rather spend the evening in the quiet company of some friends and where i can be very comfortable. crowded events like this stresses me out. and this is no different from going to events like the chinese new year bazaar in chinatown. and so, i spend the evening having a nice quiet dinner with bee and a group of close uni friends. something that i hadn't had the chance to do for a long time. and it was a good nice evening.

but on a more gay-centric note, i do not see the need to be activistic about being gay. i do not see the need to make statements about my sexuality much as i do not expect straight people to scream out loud that they are straight. and i certainly do not want to remind myself of people i do not want to meet, people who had previously chided me for being "irresponsible" and "being a coward", and that i must (yes, the word is "must") tell my parents if i want to really come out. what rubbish. just because he is out loud and gay; and had told his mum about him being gay does not mean i have to do the same. he live his life, i live mine. so till today, whenever pink dot comes around, i still get reminded of this and still feel agitated.

but no, don't go about thinking i do not support pink dot. i support the freedom to love. but i just don't want to be reminded of people from my past and i don't want to stress myself out just becos of the need to show support. i will attend when there is reason enough for me to do so. 

i just want to be myself. 

caught in the nude

my neighbour is hokkien (ethnic group that originates from fujian province in china) (like me) and appreciates my cooking, which is predominantly traditional-hokkien- or peranakan-hokkien-based. he's a divorcee and lives alone in his unit (unless his girlfriend stays over, which is not very often). and so, whenever i cook anything special, i would make it a habit to pass some of it to him.

and that was exactly what i did today. i brought some of the glutinous rice i cooked over for him. as usual, he had left his kitchen door slightly opened. i could hear him preparing some food in his kitchen as i walked over. i peered in as i called out to him and... oops! he was standing there in the nude, preparing some food of course. my appearance caught him by surprise and he quickly ran in to put on a pair shorts before appearing again. heh heh... well, i was not too awkward about it and simply told him that that's what i would do if i were him. we had a good laugh over it.

heh... of cos, there's nothing sexual about it, just a very "man" thing. and i totally can appreciate it cos, as i said, i do the same when there is no one around at home. 

:-)

糯米饭

cooked the traditional hokkien glutinous rice (糯米饭) today.

lots of it! haha... guessed i overestimated the amount. so now i have a big wok of glutinous rice and only my mother, maid and i to eat. haha... gonna be a "santa claus" later and distribute the rice to people who knows how to appreciate such traditional fare!

haha!

distracting learners

something cheeky post before the friday ends.

as a trainer, it's hard not to be distracted when a learner came to class in with a very low-rise tight jeans and a very "high-rise" g-string. and this was even more so when the program involved activities that required the learners to sit on the floor, move around and reach for heights. haha...

happy weekend!

domino effect

there is clearly a domino effect happening, following the change of the top man in my set-up. apart of seeing the next layer leaving one-by-one, i am also seeing him bringing in his people at the minus-two level. we will be seeing more interesting developments.

i am sure.

trendy uncle

i decided to shed my conservative uncle image and be a trendy uncle today. i wore skinny topshop jeans and long sleeve casual shirt to work. added to that, i wore shoes and belt that matches the colours of my shirt checks. well, the colour combination was good, but considering i hardly wear earth tones, i myself felt a little foreign to this new look. but yeah, i thought i looked ok.

and after a while, i wondered if i looked like a pumpkin walking on a pair of chopsticks.

haha!

inspiring songs

these two songs were from my childhood days in the 1970s.

for the first song, it was one of the earliest that i could recall. it was from a movie that my mum brought me to watch and the song kinda got stuck in my mind after that. very inspiring song that encourages one to pick oneself up when one falls down.

for the second song, my eldest sis used to sing it when she was in her secondary school. it was also a song that my officer cadet school platoon used to sing as we marched along in camp. it is about how the singer wished she was like the seagull, searching for its goals and ideals as it soars higher and higher in the skies, and how she wished she could be as brave and strong as the seagull.

the lyrics of both songs are very inspiring. we don't have songs like these anymore these days.

and i have specifically dedicated these songs to my blog kawan (friend) chinese prick.

:-)

chinese prick

it is one thing to be mentioned in a person's blog, but it brings the whole response to a new level when someone dedicated a post to you. and this was what chinese prick did in his post. he sang and dedicated a song to me too, for that matter. felt so honoured, given the fact that he has never post any of his songs in english before and dedicated this to me. 

thanks cp. and whatever you are going through, do know that you are not alone. many of us have gone through very similar journeys before. it's a very humbling experience when you reach the point where you can be comfortable with yourself. at that point in time, when you look back, you will probably just smile and tell yourself how grateful you are to have been given the chance to take this journey. 

i am sure you will walk along life's journey just fine. 

i know cos i have walked it. 

:-)

death

once again, i had a "dreamful" night.

here're two that i vaguely recall.

first, my mum died.

second, something that i had suspected all these while was true.

cannot recall the details though...

preparing another transition

its time to update my résumé and look for a job...

my chief confided in me this afternoon about her impending resignation. to her, the relationship with the new top man is not working out. added to that, he has given her the direction to retain either her or the second man in the department. i had seen it coming and wasn't too surprise when she shared it with me. she sounded so apologetic about it but well, i assured her that i was ok with it and instead thanked the fact that our paths had crossed and that i was able to be part of her team. 

looks like it's gonna be all over again for me... but as she suggested, i should wait and see first and not rush to change anything. just need to hold onto the fort and see how things develop. for all i know, i might be able to continue serving this new top man. hmmm... then again, i have already more of less decided. even if i can work with the new top man, the person she will be handing over her duties to would be someone i probably will not be able to work with. 

i need someone who can lead decisively yet gives me the space to grow, and navigate. and this person is not one that fit such a description. and without sounding personal, i myself think my current company is a tat too small to be able to give me the opportunities to grow and the scope to really learn my trade. thus, in the longer run, it would be a wiser consideration to move when i am still in demand.

it's been a good year plus so far. let's see how i make the next half year or so an equally good one. there is no rush nonetheless. 

:-)

back to work

it was funny to get an sms from my boss last evening checking if i was well and whether i had had a good rest over the weekend. if i had not known her, i would have suspected she was checking on me and sussing out whether i had been malingering! anyway, after the initial few messages, she started using chinese and said something along the lines of - you have been taking care of everyone around you all these while, it is time for you to take care of yourself now... and after a few further messages, the sms-conversation ended with - you can only take care of your mum only if you are well. i really didn't know how to respond to her further other than thanking her.

i went back to work today and everyone in the office was kinda surprised to see me. many asked - how come you come back to work? and i could only lie to them that i was bored staying at home. the conversation ended there. these are just simple responses to such courtesies. they are no different from those "hi how are you?" kinda questions. often, such courtesies do not need any responses. a "good, thanks" would do perfectly fine. heh... 

and the day ended with almost everyone, including my boss, reminding me to not go back to work tomorrow if i should feel unwell. i must admit that it felt a little weird to get such attention from my boss and colleagues. it's still the first in my whole working life (of about 3 decades). 

then again, it felt very nice and warm.

:-)

tuina

my boss gave me the green light to take a week's rest at home. but i am not gonna do that. cannot afford to allow people to think that i am taking it just becos my boss allowed it. rather, i would want to be back at work to do what i needed to do. need to continue to support my staff. 

anyway, decided to take the day off this morning when i felt sore and peed blood again. headed to the pool to relax but ended up having the pool full of noisy kids! doh! and in the afternoon, i decided to head to the chinese tcm for a massage. whole body had been feeling rather tight lately and thought it would be a good idea of get some form of therapy to loosen things up. and wohhhh... it was on helluva massage! the lady pressed the points so correctly and so hard that i was near to tears! but of cos, it felt good. 

so, here i am. whole body feeling very sore from the massage and hoping to be able to sleep well tonight. let's see how things go ya?

:-)

quiet distance

since the incident where i told off my maid, she has kept a safe distance away from me. i have not bothered to break the ice too. i saw no reason to do so. i reckoned it's a good time to restart this boss-maid relationship. this was in view of my mum's perception that i had always sided with her. and it kinda work cos these days mum seemed a little more pro-maid.

so these days, i'll not ask her if she wants food, if she needs this or that. and the maid would also automatically get mum to talk to me whenever she needs anything. 

will continue to maintain this distance. think it is probably for the better.

:-)

weird dream

i rested so much yesterday that i ended up having difficulty sleeping at night. and when i fell asleep, my sleep was so shallow i kept waking up. and for the couple hours of good sleep, they were filled with weird dreams, dreams that i could hardly recall. but i remembered the last one, the one just before i woke up. here's how it went...

my mum was in some kind of hospice or care centre where she was being cared for by someone (presumably my maid). she was bedridden and we had previously placed a piece of fine-netting veil over her face to prevent any infections or bites. and to a certain extend, this white veil over her face made her look like some robber with a stocking over his head! anyway, i had gone to visit her as it was her mealtime, i decided to feed her her meal too. her meal for that moment was a bowl of porridge. and to feed her, i had to open up a small opening where her mouth was. as she was lying-in the bed, i had to lift her head to feed her. and as i did so, i found that her head had collapsed and flattened due to her being bedridden for too long. it was like a big thick pancake! i fed her a spoonful of the porridge and she gladly received it into her mouth, but she could not swallow the porridge. to help her swallow, i had to manually close her jaw. even then, it did not work. the porridge simply flowed out of her mouth.

it was then that i woke up.

what a weird dream...

:-) 

bloodied urine again

i peed blood in my urine again this morning.

well, there was no pain per se, just a slight uneasy feeling at the kidney-level (or probably lower). it was not unexpected and i went on with my daily routines of bringing my mum for breakfast, did our grocery shopping and so on... came home, went to the toilet and ta-da... red rusty looking urine. but ok, time to drown myself with water again.

i think i can expect more of this to come in the coming days cos the stone had started its movement, and as it continue to do so, it  would scrape the interior of the urinary tract (hence the bloodied urine). and this is probably a good sign cos it means it is moving out of the system. if all goes well, i should be seeing a possible discharge of the stone before 2 jul. 

otherwise, it would be the shock wave treatment to make sure it comes out.

concerned colleagues

it was interesting how my colleagues responded to my kidney stone condition over the last couple of days. when they first saw how i fell ill on friday morning, they got all so flustered and edgy about it. and i don't blame them for it cos over the past 2-3 weeks, there had been at least 2 cases of my colleagues having issues with their health, so much so that we had to either send them home or activate an ambulance to evacuate them to the hospital. and for this to happen to me, it really got everyone a little uneasy. for a start, my chief has been rather irked by this series of incidents and suspected that it could be due to some feng shui issue or perhaps some bug (or something unexplainable) that she might have caught a few weeks ago when we bought my head a department dinner to thank him for his contributions before his departure. anyway, we simply brushed off her thoughts as superstitions. 

but certainly, their responses was really something i didn't expect. firstly, a few of them texted me through the day the pain hit me asking how i was and whether i was able to cope. and when i was at the hospital, my chief and another colleague came to visit me, a few others had planned to visit me over the weekend if i should be hospitalised. and throughout the weekend, the text and the calls came in frequently asking if i was ok and if i needed help to manage my mum. my chief went to the extend of insisting i stay at home and rest for the rest of the coming week. no mc needed. an executive order, she insisted. and that she would make sure everything at work is covered by my colleagues. such warmth and such responses was something so foreign to me, considering my bosses from my previous employments (and i emphasise the plural "s") had always frowned upon it when they heard i was sick or when i could not be at work for whatever reasons. one even going to the extend of telling me off when he heard about my mum's dementia, insisting that she was a problem that i had to solve or it will affect my work. i did what i thought was right when he said that - i quitted my job.

anyway, i shall see how i feel in the coming days. if i am ok, i will head back to work. i don't wish to take advantage or come across as taking advantage of people's concern. they have shown their care and concern, and i will exercise my utmost responsibility to my team members.

:-)

it moved

the kidney stone moved yesterday.

and it was hell!

here's the story.

life's a journey

am in a sudden reflective mood after commenting on tempus' blog. here's some quick thoughts. very disjointed, but what the heck.

life is a journey, but most importantly, learn as you journey on. there are teachers everywhere and every time, you only need to recognise them. but the irony of it all is that we don't learn when there are no obstacles. it's funny how we learn some of the most basic things in life when we are older. there is wisdom in the sentence that elderly people are wise people after all. wisdom borne from life's lessons. priceless. no amount of documentation nor knowledge management can capture it. 

and i am reminded of how james (my ex) threw away the logic of the sentence above without giving two hoots about it. to him, people who do not undergo some good education and got some good degrees cannot be considered wise. to him, age doesn't count. to me, that is too simplistic. education is one thing but it does not contribute to the whole picture of living life meaningfully and learning from it. i did not think he was wrong, but i could only agree with him if these people go through life without living life.

ok, i am going in circles now...

better stop.

renewed passport

i finally managed to get my maid's passport renewed.

following the last failed attempt (that saw mum getting all paranoid and mentally haywire), i decided to change my tactic. i took a day's leave today and last night told my mum, without giving her any options, that i would be bringing my niece out and that i would be bringing her along. i explained to her that my niece is having her mid-year holiday and thus, would be free for me to bring her out. and this morning, just before we left, i told my mum that i would, "along the way", drop the maid off at the embassy before i head off to my brother's place. and once i dropped the maid off, i brought her to the temple. visits to the temple always has this therapeutic effect on her and she had also asked to visit the temple a few days back. 

heh heh... everything went well according to plan.  so yes, i got the maid's passport renewed, and my mum got her wishes of visiting the temple fulfilled.

:-)

shock wave treatment

went for my review yesterday and the doctor found the stone where it was since the last check-up, that is to say, it has not moved despite the medication.

with this, the next option given was to undergo shock wave treatment to break the stone. was told this treatment has a success rate of about 80% and that it would be a day procedure. the urologist also explained that this procedure is the safest and that most would be able to recover within a few days after the procedure. i was also told to expect blood in my urine after the procedure but it should clear eventually. the risks associated with this procedure include infection, and for those few that did not respond to the shock wave, a second attempt would be made and if that again did not go well, other options would have to be considered. but of cos, these options would be discussed when it happens.

so the next step for me - shock wave treatment on 2 jul. to be admitted at 8am and can expect to be discharged about 3pm. 

of cos, unless the stone decide to move out of the system by then...

which is highly unlikely.

brave niece

i was so proud of my niece. for a 3.5 year-old girl, she was one helluva brave. despite the anticipation of pain and the fear in her eyes, she kept quiet, sat on the high stool as the 2 shop attendants marked and pierced her ears. i half suspected that my sis-in-law and everyone else around were more nervous than my niece. lol!

how to train your dragon 2

it was a really awesome show!

some bits that made me love the show so much were:

• toothless reminds me of my dog, sapphie

• the excellent chemistry between the key characters, particularly between toothless (the dragon) and hiccup (the young male lead)

• not in a sexual way, but hiccup has really grown up to a really good looking, fine young man with a character of his own

• the show reminded me flight of dragon, one of my favourite dragon show as a kid

• the show was not a repetition of part 1, but rather, a more mature one that captured very well how every character had grown over the pass 5 yrs, even toothless the dragon

• the scene of the final showdown when toothless stood up against the alpha, totally blew me off!

and many more...

love it to bits!

get-together dinner

i went for a get-together dinner last evening. told mum it was a wedding dinner and made my escape after cooking her her dinner.

it was a get-together dinner for my peers from my pc (platoon commander)-days. 1986, infantry training depot (the old name for the institute that focuses on conducting basic military training). there were no less than 11 of us and for many of us, we had not met each other since we left the island back in the late-80s. quite a few are now based overseas and made the efforts to return home for this get-together. and it was really interesting to be able to catch up with everyone. and despite being in out late-40s/ early-50s, we all behaved like we were in our late-teens again when we met. all the years seemed to melt away and all the old stories and gossips resurfaced. 

i supposed the bonds created when we were on all isolated on an island off the northern coast of singapore, and with nothing to do except interacting with each other, was really strong. there was absolutely no pretence and everyone simply yak and yak and yak... and of cos, with age and with years of working experiences, it was also a great time to catch up about each other's lives.

let's hope this gathering can happen again sometime.

:-)

world cup fever

it's the world cup fever again. and almost every other person i meet seemed to be talking about it, betting, or for that matter, heading to brazil to watch it. but not for me. i have never have any liking for soccer. in fact, i've never had any affinity to team games, especially those that involve balls! 

and i can possibly attribute this lack of liking for ball-games to my being too concern about whether i will spoil the enjoyment of the team when i engage in one. all this becos i don't have ball sense. for example, when i tried playing soccer, i couldn't kick the ball straight, when i tried playing rugby, i got injured and fall in the most unglamorous manner, when i tried squash or tennis, i sprained my ankles, and i have no patience with ping pong. as such, i avoid playing any games that involve a ball (or for that matter, a shuttlecock, a racket, etc). now you understand why i run and swim a lot... but well, that's beside the point.

so... yeah. with the world cup fever going on, every other person, including my female colleagues were all going gaga over which team will win and which team will not. for me, i can imagine the closest i ever got to talking about world cup would be who's cute and who's not. that's so totally up a gay man's alley! no? 

hahaha... 

aoki

had a good lunch with an old friend at aoki (by les amis group) yesterday.

it was a high-end japanese restaurant and the food was really good. freshly prepared by japanese sushi chef right in front of you. the set i ordered comprised a good spread of 8 different sushi and a roll complete with miso soup, chawanmushi, and desserts. really loved the fine details that was put into for every piece of creation such as the little tint of lime fragrance, or the beautifully balance of fresh wasabi and chopped tuna.

understand there are only 2 seatings for lunch each day.

must book early if you wanna go!

:-)

logo from http://www.aoki-restaurant.com.sg

final inspection & road tax

i got my car inspected and paid my road tax yesterday, all within 20 minutes. i had initially wondered if i could do it as i had lost the road tax renewal notice send by the local transport authority. but decided to proceed to the inspection centre as i had some time to spare. the process turned out to be so efficient. here's what happened.

i arrived at the inspection centre and was received by their staff at the door. told him that i wanted to have my car inspected but didn't have the letter. smiling, he said it was ok and that they did not need the letter. he took over the car and proceeded to drive my car to the start of the test stations as i paid the inspection fee. once done, he started to drive the car through 5 stations where the brakes, lights, exhaust, undercarriage, etc were checked. all these happened as i walked beside the car. the results (of whether the car passed the test) appeared on the board immediately as the test was completed. once he completed the last station, he alighted and printed out the slip for me. passed all stations, it read. the whole process took less than 15 minutes. 

and with the done, i proceeded to pay my road tax at their office. no letter of notice required, the staff said when i mentioned that i had lost the letter. everything from records of my insurance to completion of car inspection had been updated to the local transport authority automatically, i was told.  this inspection and road tax payment was also the last for my current car as it will reach it's 10-year life cycle next july. good smooth experience to cap the decade of ownership.

:-)

routine change-induced paranoia

the maid's passport and work permit are both due for renewal and the passport renewal has to be done before i can renew the latter.

i had taken a day's leave today to have lunch with an old friend (i do that cos i am finding it increasingly difficult to excuse myself from mum without having her go all crazy suspecting i want to kill her) and had also arranged my time to resolve the passport renewal. as my maid need to be there in person for the passport renewal, i had to prep my mum. and to do it, i had to orchestrate the whole communications plan and involve her much as possible through the process such as having her around when i bring the maid to have her documents xeroxed, take her photo, etc way ahead. and last night, everything nitty gritty details of what time to wake up, what time to leave the house, sending my mum to rehab center, etc were all finalized. mum had also agreed to the arrangements for me to send her to the rehab center before sending the maid to her embassy. but this morning, when i woke up, the first thing i saw was a black-faced mum. i knew she had gone haywire....

she refused to let me send her to the rehab center, insisting that she would be able to do so herself. she insisted she could walk to the pick up point, which she cannot. she said that i should just "send the maid instead and leave her alone". and sensing trouble ahead, i agreed that i will not send her to the rehab center and let her take the transport as she wishes but i would want to accompany her downstairs to the pick up point in the interest of her safety. again she refused, as she gave me further evil looks. i decided not to pursue the issue further and just sat by her side as we watched the morning talk show. 15min, i tried again but it was to no avail. this time round, she turned around and accused me of being suspicious of her and that i couldn't allow her freedom of movement (by herself). and after saying that, she started her age old hardship stories of how my dad ill-treated her, how she had a hard life, etc and before she could accuse me of doing the same, i told her to forget about the whole arrangements. the maid will accompany her to the rehab center instead. we will not renew the passport today.

think the change in routine and the possibility of being alone without the maid was too much and too sudden for her. all my preparations and plans went down the drain. but well, this change allowed me to get my car inspected and my road tax renewed. and that's not bad at all. when one door closes, another opportunity opens. i will make today a restful yet productive one. after all, i have taken leave to give myself some me-time.

:-)