quiet distance

since the incident where i told off my maid, she has kept a safe distance away from me. i have not bothered to break the ice too. i saw no reason to do so. i reckoned it's a good time to restart this boss-maid relationship. this was in view of my mum's perception that i had always sided with her. and it kinda work cos these days mum seemed a little more pro-maid.

so these days, i'll not ask her if she wants food, if she needs this or that. and the maid would also automatically get mum to talk to me whenever she needs anything. 

will continue to maintain this distance. think it is probably for the better.

:-)

weird dream

i rested so much yesterday that i ended up having difficulty sleeping at night. and when i fell asleep, my sleep was so shallow i kept waking up. and for the couple hours of good sleep, they were filled with weird dreams, dreams that i could hardly recall. but i remembered the last one, the one just before i woke up. here's how it went...

my mum was in some kind of hospice or care centre where she was being cared for by someone (presumably my maid). she was bedridden and we had previously placed a piece of fine-netting veil over her face to prevent any infections or bites. and to a certain extend, this white veil over her face made her look like some robber with a stocking over his head! anyway, i had gone to visit her as it was her mealtime, i decided to feed her her meal too. her meal for that moment was a bowl of porridge. and to feed her, i had to open up a small opening where her mouth was. as she was lying-in the bed, i had to lift her head to feed her. and as i did so, i found that her head had collapsed and flattened due to her being bedridden for too long. it was like a big thick pancake! i fed her a spoonful of the porridge and she gladly received it into her mouth, but she could not swallow the porridge. to help her swallow, i had to manually close her jaw. even then, it did not work. the porridge simply flowed out of her mouth.

it was then that i woke up.

what a weird dream...

:-) 

bloodied urine again

i peed blood in my urine again this morning.

well, there was no pain per se, just a slight uneasy feeling at the kidney-level (or probably lower). it was not unexpected and i went on with my daily routines of bringing my mum for breakfast, did our grocery shopping and so on... came home, went to the toilet and ta-da... red rusty looking urine. but ok, time to drown myself with water again.

i think i can expect more of this to come in the coming days cos the stone had started its movement, and as it continue to do so, it  would scrape the interior of the urinary tract (hence the bloodied urine). and this is probably a good sign cos it means it is moving out of the system. if all goes well, i should be seeing a possible discharge of the stone before 2 jul. 

otherwise, it would be the shock wave treatment to make sure it comes out.

concerned colleagues

it was interesting how my colleagues responded to my kidney stone condition over the last couple of days. when they first saw how i fell ill on friday morning, they got all so flustered and edgy about it. and i don't blame them for it cos over the past 2-3 weeks, there had been at least 2 cases of my colleagues having issues with their health, so much so that we had to either send them home or activate an ambulance to evacuate them to the hospital. and for this to happen to me, it really got everyone a little uneasy. for a start, my chief has been rather irked by this series of incidents and suspected that it could be due to some feng shui issue or perhaps some bug (or something unexplainable) that she might have caught a few weeks ago when we bought my head a department dinner to thank him for his contributions before his departure. anyway, we simply brushed off her thoughts as superstitions. 

but certainly, their responses was really something i didn't expect. firstly, a few of them texted me through the day the pain hit me asking how i was and whether i was able to cope. and when i was at the hospital, my chief and another colleague came to visit me, a few others had planned to visit me over the weekend if i should be hospitalised. and throughout the weekend, the text and the calls came in frequently asking if i was ok and if i needed help to manage my mum. my chief went to the extend of insisting i stay at home and rest for the rest of the coming week. no mc needed. an executive order, she insisted. and that she would make sure everything at work is covered by my colleagues. such warmth and such responses was something so foreign to me, considering my bosses from my previous employments (and i emphasise the plural "s") had always frowned upon it when they heard i was sick or when i could not be at work for whatever reasons. one even going to the extend of telling me off when he heard about my mum's dementia, insisting that she was a problem that i had to solve or it will affect my work. i did what i thought was right when he said that - i quitted my job.

anyway, i shall see how i feel in the coming days. if i am ok, i will head back to work. i don't wish to take advantage or come across as taking advantage of people's concern. they have shown their care and concern, and i will exercise my utmost responsibility to my team members.

:-)

it moved

the kidney stone moved yesterday.

and it was hell!

here's the story.

life's a journey

am in a sudden reflective mood after commenting on tempus' blog. here's some quick thoughts. very disjointed, but what the heck.

life is a journey, but most importantly, learn as you journey on. there are teachers everywhere and every time, you only need to recognise them. but the irony of it all is that we don't learn when there are no obstacles. it's funny how we learn some of the most basic things in life when we are older. there is wisdom in the sentence that elderly people are wise people after all. wisdom borne from life's lessons. priceless. no amount of documentation nor knowledge management can capture it. 

and i am reminded of how james (my ex) threw away the logic of the sentence above without giving two hoots about it. to him, people who do not undergo some good education and got some good degrees cannot be considered wise. to him, age doesn't count. to me, that is too simplistic. education is one thing but it does not contribute to the whole picture of living life meaningfully and learning from it. i did not think he was wrong, but i could only agree with him if these people go through life without living life.

ok, i am going in circles now...

better stop.

renewed passport

i finally managed to get my maid's passport renewed.

following the last failed attempt (that saw mum getting all paranoid and mentally haywire), i decided to change my tactic. i took a day's leave today and last night told my mum, without giving her any options, that i would be bringing my niece out and that i would be bringing her along. i explained to her that my niece is having her mid-year holiday and thus, would be free for me to bring her out. and this morning, just before we left, i told my mum that i would, "along the way", drop the maid off at the embassy before i head off to my brother's place. and once i dropped the maid off, i brought her to the temple. visits to the temple always has this therapeutic effect on her and she had also asked to visit the temple a few days back. 

heh heh... everything went well according to plan.  so yes, i got the maid's passport renewed, and my mum got her wishes of visiting the temple fulfilled.

:-)

shock wave treatment

went for my review yesterday and the doctor found the stone where it was since the last check-up, that is to say, it has not moved despite the medication.

with this, the next option given was to undergo shock wave treatment to break the stone. was told this treatment has a success rate of about 80% and that it would be a day procedure. the urologist also explained that this procedure is the safest and that most would be able to recover within a few days after the procedure. i was also told to expect blood in my urine after the procedure but it should clear eventually. the risks associated with this procedure include infection, and for those few that did not respond to the shock wave, a second attempt would be made and if that again did not go well, other options would have to be considered. but of cos, these options would be discussed when it happens.

so the next step for me - shock wave treatment on 2 jul. to be admitted at 8am and can expect to be discharged about 3pm. 

of cos, unless the stone decide to move out of the system by then...

which is highly unlikely.

brave niece

i was so proud of my niece. for a 3.5 year-old girl, she was one helluva brave. despite the anticipation of pain and the fear in her eyes, she kept quiet, sat on the high stool as the 2 shop attendants marked and pierced her ears. i half suspected that my sis-in-law and everyone else around were more nervous than my niece. lol!

how to train your dragon 2

it was a really awesome show!

some bits that made me love the show so much were:

• toothless reminds me of my dog, sapphie

• the excellent chemistry between the key characters, particularly between toothless (the dragon) and hiccup (the young male lead)

• not in a sexual way, but hiccup has really grown up to a really good looking, fine young man with a character of his own

• the show reminded me flight of dragon, one of my favourite dragon show as a kid

• the show was not a repetition of part 1, but rather, a more mature one that captured very well how every character had grown over the pass 5 yrs, even toothless the dragon

• the scene of the final showdown when toothless stood up against the alpha, totally blew me off!

and many more...

love it to bits!

get-together dinner

i went for a get-together dinner last evening. told mum it was a wedding dinner and made my escape after cooking her her dinner.

it was a get-together dinner for my peers from my pc (platoon commander)-days. 1986, infantry training depot (the old name for the institute that focuses on conducting basic military training). there were no less than 11 of us and for many of us, we had not met each other since we left the island back in the late-80s. quite a few are now based overseas and made the efforts to return home for this get-together. and it was really interesting to be able to catch up with everyone. and despite being in out late-40s/ early-50s, we all behaved like we were in our late-teens again when we met. all the years seemed to melt away and all the old stories and gossips resurfaced. 

i supposed the bonds created when we were on all isolated on an island off the northern coast of singapore, and with nothing to do except interacting with each other, was really strong. there was absolutely no pretence and everyone simply yak and yak and yak... and of cos, with age and with years of working experiences, it was also a great time to catch up about each other's lives.

let's hope this gathering can happen again sometime.

:-)

world cup fever

it's the world cup fever again. and almost every other person i meet seemed to be talking about it, betting, or for that matter, heading to brazil to watch it. but not for me. i have never have any liking for soccer. in fact, i've never had any affinity to team games, especially those that involve balls! 

and i can possibly attribute this lack of liking for ball-games to my being too concern about whether i will spoil the enjoyment of the team when i engage in one. all this becos i don't have ball sense. for example, when i tried playing soccer, i couldn't kick the ball straight, when i tried playing rugby, i got injured and fall in the most unglamorous manner, when i tried squash or tennis, i sprained my ankles, and i have no patience with ping pong. as such, i avoid playing any games that involve a ball (or for that matter, a shuttlecock, a racket, etc). now you understand why i run and swim a lot... but well, that's beside the point.

so... yeah. with the world cup fever going on, every other person, including my female colleagues were all going gaga over which team will win and which team will not. for me, i can imagine the closest i ever got to talking about world cup would be who's cute and who's not. that's so totally up a gay man's alley! no? 

hahaha... 

aoki

had a good lunch with an old friend at aoki (by les amis group) yesterday.

it was a high-end japanese restaurant and the food was really good. freshly prepared by japanese sushi chef right in front of you. the set i ordered comprised a good spread of 8 different sushi and a roll complete with miso soup, chawanmushi, and desserts. really loved the fine details that was put into for every piece of creation such as the little tint of lime fragrance, or the beautifully balance of fresh wasabi and chopped tuna.

understand there are only 2 seatings for lunch each day.

must book early if you wanna go!

:-)

logo from http://www.aoki-restaurant.com.sg

final inspection & road tax

i got my car inspected and paid my road tax yesterday, all within 20 minutes. i had initially wondered if i could do it as i had lost the road tax renewal notice send by the local transport authority. but decided to proceed to the inspection centre as i had some time to spare. the process turned out to be so efficient. here's what happened.

i arrived at the inspection centre and was received by their staff at the door. told him that i wanted to have my car inspected but didn't have the letter. smiling, he said it was ok and that they did not need the letter. he took over the car and proceeded to drive my car to the start of the test stations as i paid the inspection fee. once done, he started to drive the car through 5 stations where the brakes, lights, exhaust, undercarriage, etc were checked. all these happened as i walked beside the car. the results (of whether the car passed the test) appeared on the board immediately as the test was completed. once he completed the last station, he alighted and printed out the slip for me. passed all stations, it read. the whole process took less than 15 minutes. 

and with the done, i proceeded to pay my road tax at their office. no letter of notice required, the staff said when i mentioned that i had lost the letter. everything from records of my insurance to completion of car inspection had been updated to the local transport authority automatically, i was told.  this inspection and road tax payment was also the last for my current car as it will reach it's 10-year life cycle next july. good smooth experience to cap the decade of ownership.

:-)

routine change-induced paranoia

the maid's passport and work permit are both due for renewal and the passport renewal has to be done before i can renew the latter.

i had taken a day's leave today to have lunch with an old friend (i do that cos i am finding it increasingly difficult to excuse myself from mum without having her go all crazy suspecting i want to kill her) and had also arranged my time to resolve the passport renewal. as my maid need to be there in person for the passport renewal, i had to prep my mum. and to do it, i had to orchestrate the whole communications plan and involve her much as possible through the process such as having her around when i bring the maid to have her documents xeroxed, take her photo, etc way ahead. and last night, everything nitty gritty details of what time to wake up, what time to leave the house, sending my mum to rehab center, etc were all finalized. mum had also agreed to the arrangements for me to send her to the rehab center before sending the maid to her embassy. but this morning, when i woke up, the first thing i saw was a black-faced mum. i knew she had gone haywire....

she refused to let me send her to the rehab center, insisting that she would be able to do so herself. she insisted she could walk to the pick up point, which she cannot. she said that i should just "send the maid instead and leave her alone". and sensing trouble ahead, i agreed that i will not send her to the rehab center and let her take the transport as she wishes but i would want to accompany her downstairs to the pick up point in the interest of her safety. again she refused, as she gave me further evil looks. i decided not to pursue the issue further and just sat by her side as we watched the morning talk show. 15min, i tried again but it was to no avail. this time round, she turned around and accused me of being suspicious of her and that i couldn't allow her freedom of movement (by herself). and after saying that, she started her age old hardship stories of how my dad ill-treated her, how she had a hard life, etc and before she could accuse me of doing the same, i told her to forget about the whole arrangements. the maid will accompany her to the rehab center instead. we will not renew the passport today.

think the change in routine and the possibility of being alone without the maid was too much and too sudden for her. all my preparations and plans went down the drain. but well, this change allowed me to get my car inspected and my road tax renewed. and that's not bad at all. when one door closes, another opportunity opens. i will make today a restful yet productive one. after all, i have taken leave to give myself some me-time.

:-)

of blowjobs & ice creams

i am not sure if i have blogged about this but it happened again tonight.

took a jog around my area and decided to take a break at a business park behind my place. and as i was taking a breather, a south asian (presumably an indian or a bangla construction worker) came up to me and asked, half-demanding, "you ice cream me, i ice cream you, ok?" 

errrr... i simply said no and walked off but he was rather insistent and pulled me towards him. once again, i said no and left the place. i could not recall when was the last time it happened. but i believed it was the same person. then again, i could hardly remember faces, and most south asians looked the same to me. whatever the case, if you want to proposition someone, the last thing you want to ask was "you ice cream me, i ice cream you, ok?"!

eeeks!

visited by an angel

my car broke down last night. but i actually felt really good about the whole experience! here's what happened.

i was on my way back home from my evening shopping when the car suddenly died and stalled along the road. it died on the outermost lane and i had no choice but to quickly get the maid to send mum home in a cab. it was unfortunate that my phone had died too and i used my mum's mobile to activate the toll truck. i was told it would take 90min for the tow truck to arrive and i had to wait for it. i ended up leaving my car where it was, boot opened and with its hazard lights switched on. it was after all, quite a busy road. and with nothing to do and stuck sitting by the side of the road, i ended up playing sudoku on my mum's mobile. 

i must have played at least 47 games when a scooter stopped behind my car. i had initially thought it was the traffic police, but at closer look, it wasn't. the rider dismounted, signalled to me and asked if the car was mine. i crossed over, and he asked me for a run down of what happened. and he explained that he was from a local insurance company vehicle recovery team and had just completed his road patrol duties and was on his way back to base. i felt a little embarrassed when i found out that he had just rode more than 40km across the island and had decided to stop and help out. we chatted for a while and i thanked him for his assistance. he simply brushed it off and just said that it was the right thing to do. he could not leave me and my car there, considering the risk it posed, both to me as well as other road users. he then went on to place a vehicle breakdown sign and helped me direct on-coming traffic away from my car. thankfully, the tow truck arrived not too long after and in no time, my car was towed off. this rider simply bade me farewell and we parted ways. 

it was a simple incident. but the assistance he rendered, unconditionally and totally selflessly, was beyond my expectations. it felt really good to know that there are such nice people around. i came home and before i slept, i crafted an email to his ceo to congratulate him for having such a professional staff and to express my appreciations to him (the rider).

ps: and to top it off, this guy was no more than in his mid-twenties, petite build and very cute! haha. 

stupid hooded girl

what an utterly stupid girl! such a disgrace! she deserved to be gobbled up by the big bad wolf through and through! well, this is a comment from an adult as he reading a children's story. (and that adult happened to be me) lol! then again, as adults, we have learned to stop seeing things creatively.

but really, i wrote the above cos my niece has been so mesmerised by the story of little red riding hood these days and would pester me to read the story to her again and again. and i couldn't help but feel something was not right when i have to read out the parts about the big bad wolf gobbling red riding hood's grandma and her up. and how the woodcutter came and kill the wolf and out jumped the two human beings.

kinda terrible right? imagine all the gore, the killing, the revenge, etc... such horrible details to be telling a kid. and whichever way it is framed, killing is killing. revenge is revenge. and it is so against what i have come to embrace as an adult.

eeks... ok, i think too much.

lol!

maleficent

i watched maleficent last night with bee. and i must say it was such a nice and magical show! i really loved how the whole "sleeping beauty" story was embedded into the show, almost untouched. i said "almost" becos there were little bits changed to accommodate the extension of the story, both pre- and post-sleeping beauty. for example, in the sleeping beauty story, maleficent appeared and cast the curse after the second fairy's blessings. and it was the last fairy that reduced the intensity of the curse. but in the movie, it was maleficent (angelina jolie) instead, after the king pleaded with her.

and after watching "frozen" i kinda expected the sudden twist of the story at the end. anyway, what made this show interesting was the fact that maleficent, though a good person at heart, was painted and dressed in colours that reminded one of a witch and all things evil, as was how she was portrayed in the original story of "sleepy beauty". and i particularly enjoyed the whole magical feel and where dragons, elves, fairies, etc were all brought to life, especially during last part of the show where maleficent had to do battle with the evil king.

kudos to angelina jolie for pulling off such a fine and flawless performance. thought she balanced all the emotions very well throughout the show, like how she was blinded by love, suffered injustice, consumed by hatred, and the way she grew to love aurora, and how she tried to save aurora from the very curse she laid during the christening. anyway, shan't go further except that to a buddhist like me, i was constantly reminded throughout the show of the 3 poisons - greed (attachment), hatred (aversion) and ignorance (delusion) - and how they were the cause of sufferings that was the basis of show. poisons that everyone possess at some point in time, that even maleficent herself cannot escape.

great show to watch, and to reflect.

new phase @ work

i am entering a new phase at my workplace.

the lead that i had previously reported to had finally left and i now report directly to my chief. am not too sure how she will be managing me, but from the look of things, i think she will probably task me with quite a few new things, despite knowing of my plateful of things. after observing her since she joined, when push come to shaft and she needs people to help her, our priorities kinda didn't feature anymore in her considerations.

of cos, one might argue the age-old mantra that "my boss's priorities are also my priorities", and i cannot disagree with that. but the reality of this is that when such situations occur, and when our own priorities are high and for that matter, happening at that very moment, boss's priorities can be very difficult to accommodate. previously, i do have my lead to ward off such last minutes arrows and he leaves me to do what i need to do. now, i will have to handle such situations when it occurs. an extra load of issues to manage i guess.

just need to manage it as it comes.

:-)

reflective day

tomorrow, a friend will be celebrating his 41st birthday. and it made me reflect too. as a person in my...

• pre-20s - this was the age where i was naive and in a hurry. i was a idealistic, naive and in a rush to grow up. always willing to help people and to a great extent, wanting to please people too. perhaps insecure and seeking endorsement was the word.

• 20s - this was the age of overdrive. i was someone who wanted to prove myself & i sometimes take risks recklessly. still always willing to help people and to a lesser extent, wanting to please people too. still insecure and still seeking endorsement and promotions. 

• 30s - this was the age of discovery and new challenges, both personally and professionally. i was someone who was a little ambivalent, wanting to explore, yet rather afraid of risks. a little more established, but still wanting more. but my professional life took a back-stage as i was a tat too pre-occupied with my gay-self, having came out as a gay person when i turned 30. i was redefining myself.

• 40s - this was the age of relative stability. an age where i feel very empowered. empowered by life's experiences. i am someone who is a little more risk-adverse. happy and contented. accepting my place, professionally and socially - not in a "resigned" way, but rather in a way that reflects i am at peace with things around me. i have learned to define things according to how i see things.

• 50s - i am not there yet but will be there soon. i supposed i will be very much more risk-adverse and slowly making small adjustments in my life as i prepare myself for my eventual retirement. 

• 60s - let's not look that far. not even sure if i will live to that age...

anyway, i wish my friend a happy 41st birthday.

:-)

maid on diet

i have a maid who has been, over the last 2-3 months, dieting like crazy. for reasons unknown, and i assumed it is vanity-related, she has been reducing her food intake over time, eating no more than a couple of spoonful of rice every dinner. and this is in such huge contrast to her voracious appetite when she first arrived.

foreskin

i know it is a brand. 

but to have ladies wear clothes 

with the words "fourskin" 

emblazoned across their chest 

is soooooo...

not right.

:-)

sg & acronyms

singaporeans are famous for shortening every possible things into acronyms and one of the most popularly used one is "gss" otherwise, known as "the great singapore sale". to me it is nothing more than a gimmick to get people (locals and tourists alike) to spend their money - a month long nation-wide sale where almost every other shop will put their merchandise on sale.

anyway, my writing this post is not about acronyms. it is about how we used it to the point where it become almost a noun and the meaning of the acronym is lost in itself. so, using the "gss" as an example, i was at the shopping centre today and i saw this (see below) "gss sale"... wtf right? if we were to expand the name, it would be "the great singapore sale sales". hahah... 

it reminds me of another common mistake used amongst all singaporean men - "ippt test". singaporean men serve national service (ns) and are required to undergo an individual physical proficiency test (ippt) regime to assess his fitness level. and this test is often referred to as "ippt test". and if we were to expand it, we will have "individual physical proficiency test test".

this is so singaporean.

doh!

"pork pork"

today marked the first time my nephew called me! i was kinda shocked but i was really happy! it happened this evening when my sis-in-law called me earlier on the phone. once i picked up the phone, i heard my nephew called out "pork pork!!!".

his sudden uttering of that two words caught my sis-in-law by surprise too for she exclaimed immediately "wahhhh, hongwei called pork pork nor!" and next thing i knew, i heard her teasing him "why so shy now? looking away and smiling huh?" so cute right? and it was even more funny cos he had followed his sister in addressing me as "pork pork" cos she had difficulties pronouncing "da bo" or "大伯“ (chinese for elder uncle) when she spoke her first words too.

anyway, for the rest of the evening, he was just going "pork pork, pork pork" non-stop.

lol!

effects of tamsulosin?

have been taking the tamsulosin tablet for the last 2 weeks or so. and as far as i understand, this medication is supposed to help my urinary tract relax with the hope to facilitate the movement of the kidney stones. and i must say the effect is really one helluva interesting.

for a start, i feel rather heaty and dry, dehydrated, that is. my lips are cracked and i started having mouth ulcers again. rather painful and uncomfortable. but interestingly, i do not feel thirsty and must constantly remind myself to drink through the day. and this resulted in my heading to the toilet more often than usual. 

secondly, i noted an increased in frequency in my visits to the toilet at night, especially before i fall asleep. and each time i do that, i would pee lots! i really wonder where all my piss come from! also, through the night, i would head to the toilet at least twice. so what this all meant was that i have bad nights almost nightly. and i end up feeling rather sleepy in the daytime.

and despite all these, i have not noticed any stones coming out...

doh!

gender roles reversal

i was having my breakfast this morning when a quick thought crossed my mind.

what will this world look like, feel like, and be like if every possible gender roles are reversed.

where homosexuality is the order of the day and heterosexuals are the minority, but accepted as a necessity purely for the production of future generations. and heterosexuals are faced with the fear of being marginalised or decimated by advances in medical advances where babies can be created in test tubes.

and amongst the heterosexual minority, the construct is a matriarchal one where females rule and lead family units. and where the man's roles are very mush domesticated in nature. and that men are being treated as to be lesser than woman. where the male-version of our feminist movements are the order of the day.

wouldn't it be kinda interesting? a little scary for that matter? then again, i did a quick google and found quite a bit of resources on it, including this video. and i thought the men in it were so so campy! quite nice, frankly! haha...

hmmm... no?

人生

"人生就像茶，苦一下子，

却不会苦一辈子."

this is a line from the tv drama. it roughly translate to:

"life is like tea, it can be bitter for a while. 

but it will not be bitter forever."

 i like. 

x-men: days of future past

i walked in with very great expectations. it was not met, but still, i thoroughly enjoyed the show. brilliant assembling of x-men from the first few shows and connecting past and future, in the present. enjoyed the show. and oh, one more thing - i walked out with very deep impressions of the songs and music. love them all, especially "time in a bottle". they were all songs from my younger days.  i was literally singing along as quicksilver ran.

certainly adds a different angle to the enjoyment.

ha!

here's the background of the story, explained.

i so look forward to x-men: apocalypse in 2016.

端午节2014

端午节2014。大功告成！

祝大家端午节快乐！

happy bak chang aka dumpling festival!

:-)

accidents

friday was kinda interesting for me. i had an accident and 2 near accidents. here's the story about the accident.

i was on my way home from my facial (yes, very tai tai lifestyle ya? lol!) and as i made my way out of the car park, an mpv suddenly shot out of the car park lot in front of me. it just so happened that at that very moment, my mind was away and next thing i knew i had crashed into the side of the car. there was a quick moment of stillness where the driver of the other car and myself looked at one another. for me, it was a "wtf, here i go again" moment, but for the other driver, which was a lady, she looked kinda bitchy and gave me the "hey, f***er, wtf have you done to me car" look, or at least she gave me that impression.

i moved my car to the side, walked to the car and took a look to assess the damage. there was none. by this time, the lady had also made her way out. i was all ready for her to bitch me big time and to admit error on my part. and in anticipation of this big screwing session from her, i gave her my most  apologetic look and expressed my apologies (very sincerely) when she started drama-mama-ing the same too. "oh, i am so so so sorry..." she started. now, this was a very petite-sized, suave, smooth acting malay-ang mo mix-blood exotic looking lady. "i had not check my view and drove out too fast. oh my oh my, are you ok? is your car ok? tell you what, let me give you my number and i will pay for the damages", she continued. if she's any bigger frame, i would have thought she's a drag queen. yes! in a really positive and very pretty womanly sense. doh! i sounded so contradicting. haha!.

huh? it was my fault... my mind raced. "no, no, no, it's ok. no worries, my car is an old car, no worries." i quickly replied. it was, to me, quite obvious that it was my fault, i thought to myself. and looking at the 3 kids in her mpv, i quickly added, "no. please, please, is your family ok? what's important is that they are fine. i am so so sorry if i had scared them." my response took her by surprise. "tell you what, why not i give you my number and if there are any damages, do call me." i continued. and before i could go on, she said "no, no, it is my fault. really, it was my fault. let me give you my number instead, do go ahead and repair your car and i'll pay for the repairs." we ended up ding-donging this it-is-my-fault-and-not-yours conversation for a while more and finally decided that we should just go our ways, each refusing to obtain each other's number, considering there was absolutely no damage to our respective cars.

kinda interesting right?

把悲伤留给自己

this song has been used as the theme song for a tv serial currently. and i must say this is one of those few songs that i enjoyed tremendously sometime back. the title is loosely translated to "let me shoulder all the pains". listening to it again, it kinda give me that warm feeling in my heart. a very emo song i must say. but i guessed it's precisely becos it is so emo that i enjoyed it so much.

:-)

把悲傷留給自己

詞曲 陳昇

能不能讓我　陪著妳走　即然妳說　留不住妳
回去的路　有些黑暗　擔心讓妳　一個人走
我想是因為　我不夠溫柔　不能分擔　妳的憂愁
如果這樣　說不出口　就把遺憾　放在心中

把我的悲傷　留給自己　妳的美麗　讓妳帶走
從此以後　我再沒有　快樂起來的理由
把我的悲傷　留給自己　妳的美麗　讓妳帶走
我想我可以忍住悲傷　可不可以　妳也會想起我

是不是可以　牽妳的手呢　從來沒有　這樣要求
怕妳難過　轉身就走　那就這樣吧　我會了解

把我的悲傷　留給自己　妳的美麗　讓妳帶走
從此以後　我再沒有　快樂起來的理由
我想我可以忍住悲傷　假裝生命中沒有妳
從此以後　我在這裡　日夜等待　妳的消息

能不能讓我　陪著妳走　即然妳說　留不住妳
無論妳在　天涯海角　是不是妳　偶爾會想起我
可不可以　妳也會想起我　可不可以　可不可以

my translation as follows...

will you allow me to accompany you as you leave 
since i cannot convince you to stay
the road home is a little dark
and i am worried to let you walk alone

i guess it is becos i am not sufficiently loving 
to be able to appreciate and share your woes with you
if that is the case, i find it hard to express
so i'd keep this regret in my heart

let me shoulder all the pain, leave them to myself
as for you and your beauty, do bring it along with you
from now onwards, i will no longer have any reasons to be happy
let me shoulder all the pain, leave them to myself
as for you and your beauty, do bring it along with you

i believe i can bear the pains

but will you at least remember me

will you be able to allow me to hold you hand

i have never asked you of this

then again, i am worried you will be sad 

as you turn your back to me as you leave

why not do this way, just leave 

i will understand

let me shoulder all the pain, leave them to myself
as for you and your beauty, do bring it along with you
from now onwards, i will no longer have any reasons to be happy
i believe i can endure all the pain 
and pretend you have never existed in my life
but i will be here henceforth, day and night, 
pining for your news

will you be able to let me accompany you as you leave, 
since i cannot convince you to stay
regardless of where you are, to the edge of the world
will you, once a while, think of me
can you, think of me, can you, can you

objective setting

we had an objective setting meeting this week and everyone in the department had to present his/ her respective work objectives and kpi for the year.

i presented my department's objectives and then went on to go into details of mine and my staff. when i finished, my chief said something to the effect of "i donno what else to say about what you have presented. you are thorough and there are no gaps nor any areas that i can value-add. for that matter, what you have presented is so overwhelming, i will feel very bad to add any more to what you have planned. conversely, i would like to ask everyone here (in the department) if there are any volunteers to help him out."

kinda weird right? she had previously asked me to include lots of things, and then now said i've got too many things. then again, i could only say she was not fully in the know of what i have built over the past year (and she has admitted it herself but had given me full flexibility to do what i deemed necessary).

in a way, i was glad my presentation had that effect on her cos last week, she made a casual remark in front of the department that my staff seemed too free and that she felt could take on more responsibilities.

hmmm...

offensive old woman

an elderly woman pointed her umbrella at me yesterday. i found that action rather offensive. 

you see, last night, i brought my mum to parkway parade. now the car park of parkway parade is designed such that exiting cars are channeled to 1-2 single exit barriers. i had parked at level 6 and had to move through 5 levels of car park to get to the barrier. as it was near the closing time, there was also quite a few people criss-crossing the car park as they tried to get to their cars as many cars inched towards the barrier.

it so happened that there was this elderly woman. she was trying to cross the car park to get to her son's car. there were quite a few cars in front of me and the drivers did not give way to her and she waited by the side. we were all moving at 5-10km/hr. it was a very slow pace by all standards, but i supposed to the elderly lady, she wasn't confident enough to cross. as i approached her, i slowed down to let her cross. and as i did so, she gave me an angry look and pointed her umbrella towards me.

well, one might argue that she was thanking me, but looking at the expression on her face, i found it terribly offensive. she did not smile. and she did not even say thank you. for that matter, it almost felt like she was pointing her centre finger at me! i simply drove off.

i didn't feel good about the incident at all. and reflecting on it, i pondered whether we have, as a society, deteriorated to a point where simple courtesies such as a smile and a thank you is that difficult? or for that matter, have we come to a point where giving way to an elderly lady is that difficult? have we hit the point where we feel we are entitled to everything? are we beaming a self-centred society?

if we have, how can we turn this around?

bird accident

something interesting happened last weekend and i would like to capture it in this blog. it was about an accident. a bird's accident for that matter. here's the story.

i was driving my mum and maid to the market for our breakfast. as i drove near the mrt (mass rapid transit) station, a pigeon fell in front of my car. to be more accurate and without the knowledge of how it happened, the pigeon simply dropped down from the sky (presumably) in front of my car. all i saw was a pigeon that dropped back first as it struggled and flapped it's wings futilely mid-air. it happened so fast i didn't have the time to react to it. for that matter, mum did not even notice it.

next thing i knew, it disappeared in front of my windscreen. at the moment, i wanted to swerve my car to avoid it but as i said i didn't have any reaction time and could only quickly refocus my eyes towards my side view mirror. mentally, images of the different scenarios appeared - how it hit the ground and bounced off the bottom of my car, and rolled about, or worst still, falling in the path of my tyres and dying a quick and gruesome death as it gets crushed flat by my car tyres, its blood splashing all over the road and the underside of my car. i shudder as i thought of it.

i heaved a sigh of relief when it appeared in my side mirror and i saw a pigeon recovering from its fall. it must have had a rude shock as it hit the ground and struggled to its feet. i saw it awkwardly limped its way across the road with one wing stretched out straight. the traffic on road was rather heavy and i could not see if it crossed the road successfully. i seemed to sense many other drivers responding in as shocked a manner as i did. that was the last i saw of it. hopefully, the bird is still alive.

thinking about the whole incident, it clarified a frequent question that many have asked (cheekily) "why did the pigeon cross the road?". to save itself, of cos.

:-)

ps: the whole incident reminded me of another that involved 2 pigeons. that incident happened in tampa city where i was based in a decade ago. sad case cos one died, its guts all spewed out of its body and i had to bury it. but well, these incidents reminded me that accidents do happen amongst our non-human friends. we just need to encounter it to appreciate how fragile life it.

leader of the band

earlier this week, my department had a round of drinks to thank one of our colleague who would be leaving us end of the week. and as part of the celebrations, we also invited our ex-ceo. the dinner was held near our workplace and there was a live band. we thought it was appropriate to dedicate a song to our colleague. the song went relatively well and it brought the evening to a high. and we thought it was appropriate to also dedicate a song to our ex-ceo.

it was not easy to find an appropriate song but after some discussions, we chose "leader of the band" by dan fogelbert. i went up to the band and asked if we could have the "leader of the band". promptly, he replied "yes! i am the leader of the band!" and looked at me. almost innocently and wondering why in the world would i want to check if he was the leader of his band. "errrr, no no i mean, will you be able to perform the song "leader of the band"?" i asked again. there was a momentary blank stare before he replied "errm, what's that?". then he asked, "can you sing it instead?".

doh!

weird experiences

i had a couple of weird experiences today.

firstly, i drove mum to my brothers place and decided to head to the coffee shop for a quick lunch. and at the public car park, both available handicap lots were filled. for that matter, there were 4-5 handicap-labelled cars all parked side-by-side. very unusual. had never seen so many handicap-labelled vehicles before.

the second incident occurred in the midst of our lunch. as i mentioned, i brought mum to the coffee shop for lunch. just as we were about to finish our food, we heard a woman scream. it came out of no where. instinctively, i turned my head and i saw an auntie doing some weird gestures and punching both hands in the air. it looked like as though she was in a trance. she was standing beside a table where 3 other uncles were seated. then she started singing as she dropped into the floor and, lying on her back, raised and waved both legs in the air as she sang. the few old men seated around the corner started cheering her on as she continued kicking her legs in the air. next thing i knew, she got up and shouted at an uncle "don't cry! you are a big man! you cannot cry!" and she quickly took her seat beside the uncle. the whole thing was super weird and unsettling. many people around me were staring at the lady with their mouth opened. as for me, i quickly gulped down a mouthful of my kopi-o and wheeled my mum away. mum was as dumbstruck as me from what i could see. as i walked passed them, i turned my head to take a look at them. indeed, uncle looked terribly upset and was crying quite badly.

yikes! what a weird day!

pink dot 2014

the comments in youtube reinforced my view that many singaporeans are still closed-minded. kinda regretful considering the country prides itself to be open and inclusive, or at least it tries to be. then again, it i accept that regardless of how open or inclusive we are, such people exists and cannot be wished away. their views perhaps reflect their insecurity? then again, it doesn't matter to me. frankly, i do not have the energy nor the want to force any societal change. change will happen, like it or not. for now, i am happy just to live my life by my own terms.

i do not need anybody's endorsement to be happy. i am happy, as i am.

:-)

ps: and it is such a coincidence that i am watching x-men on the tv as i post this. so bloody apt, isn't it? and yes, i posted this in my facebook too. let's see what people read out of this posting.

"friended"/ "unfriended" in fb

my second sis "friended" me in facebook a couple of months back after she got to know how to use it. she had been using it as part of her efforts to expand her network, something that would help boost her work output (she's a property agent). and yesterday, our fb "friendship" finally ended. here's the story...

peaceful week

this week was peaceful. nothing more that i could wish for. mum did not go haywire, although there were occasions where she was a little quiet, to a point that was a tat uneasy for me, but thankfully, she did not end up with emo-swings. 

work-wise, i sense impending changes in dynamics. and this is cos my head will be leaving the team end of this coming week. and increasingly i can see work is being tasked to me - work that appeared "from no where". then again, it was not really becos of his departure that some of these work are piling on me. rather, it was becos the lead of the other team was not pulling his weight and my chief is tasking it to me as she thinks "i am very good at execution". what a crap.

then again, i will be a team player for now. let's see how things go. it is relatively manageable now. if things go way-off and the demands go sky-high with no additional resources, i always have the trump card to move on. it's ironic right? considering she was the one who kept reminding me that i must put my work at the lowest priority and that work is just, work.

hmmm...

morning walks

one thing i enjoy about walking to work is the chance i get to get close to nature. conversely, i do not enjoy the fact that i will end the journey with work, and that i am walking in my work clothes. nonetheless, i try to take time to walk mindfully as much as i can.

and i enjoy the journey even more as my journey takes me through quite a bit of greenery. not natural forested area per se, but as close to it as one can get - an undeveloped area beside a canal that is overgrown with shrubs, undergrowth and so on. and becos of this, i hear cicadas singing, crickets chirping, birds serenading and water rushing in the canal... it's nature's orchestra at play. in harmony. very therapeutic and very relaxing... until... the crane at the construction site starts operating. 

sighs...

:-)

meditations on life

for unknown reasons, i was acutely sensitized to life, destruction and death this morning as i walked to my workplace. i started the journey looking out for a baby sparrow that supposedly dropped out if it's nest and couldn't find its way home. i guessed i felt a little guilty to have left it to fend for itself yesterday. anyway, i didn't manage to find it and wished that it is safe somewhere. hopefully, it is still alive. i walked on, still feeling a little unsettled.

as i continued my journey, i saw rubbish - tissue paper, bottles, and many many more - all over the place. these were supposedly discarded by construction workers, pedestrians, etc. and i also witnessed huge amount of cut grass strewn all along the walking path. what a dirty sight, i thought. i also chanced upon snails and slugs that were trampled upon as they attempted to cross the walking path. lots of them for that matter. for a short moment, flashes of what siddhartha gautama saw when he ventured out of his palace appeared. my imagination no doubt, but they reminded me of destruction and death. and i reflected on it. but instead of seeing them as they were, i was reminded of impermanence. all things orderly will become disorderly sometime. and all things alive will meet their end at some point of time. let's not be too caught up with desires, i thought as i walked. and just as these thoughts crossed my mind, i saw buds sprouting from the ground, branches of wayside trees bending down, heavy with fruits. new life. new beginnings. nice, but very contrasting. they reinforced my thoughts about impermanence. of the cycles of life.

i arrived at my morning breakfast cafeteria in no time. and i realized i had gone into a semi-state of meditation as i walked.

it was a good walk, it was a very mindful walk.

it was a good start to my day.

happy thursday.

sunburned

i went bald about 3 weeks ago. 

and over the last week, i noticed dandruff-like stuff falling off my head. and then i realised. the stuff falling off was not dandruff, they were actually the skin of my scalp.  and this happened cos my head was exposed to the sun during the initial days of my baldness and the head got sunburned as a result!

the same thing happened a couple of years back too.

lol!

a challenge

an interesting friend gave this suggestion/ challenge to me:

stop masturbating for a month, and see how you manage...

i thought this challenge is quite funny. in response, i told him i don't want to end up having not just stones in my kidney, but also cumstones in my balls! ok, i was just joking. i know my biology!

lol!

kidney stones

i had my medical review done yesterday.

the scan revealed a total of three stones. the stone in the right kidney, which is the largest of all, has migrated to a position just out of the kidney. it measured about 5mm, slightly bigger than that stone observed in the 2012 case. as for the other two other smaller stones, one was found in each of both kidneys.

the urologist expressed concern with the large stone asked if i wanted to remove it. after some discussions, and sensing my apprehension, he suggested giving it another month to see if it continues its migration. hopefully, he said, the stone would migrate down the ureter into the bladder and gets expelled out of the body. to aid this, he also prescribed tamsulosin - the same medication that he prescribed in 2012. it worked the last time, he said, so let's hope it works again this time round. but he advised - if it does not, you should consider options to remove them right away. he presented two possible options to me, one of the options would be to use ultrasound to blast it. he went on to explain the risks associated with this option. you may get infection, bloodied urine, painful urination, the stone fail to break apart... after listening to this, which seemed superbly painful, i stopped listening. my mind wondered off, imagining how i would suffer from the pain... i didn't register anything about the second option.

as for the small stones in both kidneys, he said that given the size, chances are that they will get discharged easily.

leaving things to fate as of now and am just taking the medications nightly. 

dementia resources

over the last 2 weeks, i had been reading and re-reading the materials posted in this link on caregiver's guide to understanding dementia behaviours. the information certainly reminded me of mum's condition and kept me in check with regards my own behaviour when she went haywire (which she did a few times over the last 2 weeks).

i strongly recommend that you read this too if you are a caregiver for someone with dementia and are trying to make sense of the condition/ behavioural changes and feeling stressed by it.

:-)

boiling clothes

i cooked mum's clothes over the last 2 days.

had been wanting to do this for a long while to get rid of all the stains around the neck areas of her clothes. you see, mum has the habit of applying thick dollops of petroleum-based ointment on herself a few times each day, especially the areas around her chest, her neck and her nape. and in the process, she invariably ended up with having the neck areas of all her clothes stained with the petroleum base. worst of all, there was no way to get rid of these petroleum base if we were to wash the clothes normally. as a result, her clothes all looked very dirty. 

logic tells me that i need to use either some organic solvents or heat to get rid of these stains. and thus far, i have tried using turpentine and thinner, mixed with more soap powder, more "powderful" soap powder, bleach, etc but to no avail. all i ended up with was thickened gooey substances that continued to stick to the clothes. i ended up throwing away some of her clothes becos of these stains. and yesterday, with the maid on her off, i decided to try an experiment. i boiled one of her t-shirt and it worked well. to enhance the outcome, i added soap powder too and it worked. not only did i managed to get rid of the petroleum base, i managed to also brighten some of the colours too!  and today, i decided to repeat the process with many other t-shirts of hers. so... yes, i cooked mum's clothes these 2 days!

haha...

point to note: this method works with clothes that are made of natural materials such as cotton or linen. i am not sure about whether it works with delicates (e.g. silk) or clothes with high synthetic content (e.g., rayon). you might just end up destroying the clothes if you boil them...  

obese godzilla

it's a little obese.

and oh, somehow the monsters looked like robots. even godzilla.

no brainer show. after all, how much can we expect out of a monster movie right? just sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

:-)

"respect"

i do workshops and one of the concepts i have to facilitate was "respect". for that, my first question to my learners was always "how do you feel when someone does not show you respect?". and often, responses would come in fast and furious. all responses were invariably very negative energy ones. and when the response slow down, i would pause with a moment's silence, look into the eyes of my learners and ask "why? why did you have such negative responses?". and the class often go silent.

it is difficult to answer such questions. such questions require some critical thinking and soul searching, something that we adults have learned not to do. something that perhaps kids are very good at, but have learned not to be as they grow up. that's another story altogether. back to the workshop. following the silence, and with some facilitation, the class always gravitate to one answer. and that is...

half-recovered mum

well, mum became almost normal by yesterday evening. nonetheless, she was still a little grouchy.

today, everything seemed to revert back to normal and she was cheerful. nonetheless, there were still signs of her moodiness cos my sis came over this afternoon and she told me mum gave her the cold shoulders and insisted that all her children didn't want to look after her. from this, i could only guess that she had not fully returned to her non-dementia self. then again, i am not sure if she could ever return to that state of mind... 

whatever the case, by the time i returned from work, she seemed stable enough. and was cheerful when i brought her out to try out subway sandwiches and chicken sandwiches at burger king. 

let's see how she is tomorrow.