amazing bangkok

i have always been a great fan of thailand, its people and its culture,

and this is the official name of bangkok: "krungthepmahanakhon amonrattanakosin mahintharayutthaya mahadilokphop noppharatratchathaniburirom udomratchaniwetmahasathan amonphimanawatansathit sakkathattiyawitsanukamprasit" or in thai "กรุงเทพมหานคร อมรรัตนโกสินทร์ มหินทรายุทธยา มหาดิลกภพ นพรัตนราชธานีบุรีรมย์ อุดมราชนิเวศน์มหาสถาน อมรพิมานอวตารสถิต สักกะทัตติยะวิษณุกรรมประสิทธิ์".  it is translated to "city of angels, great city of immortals, magnificent city of the nine gems, seat of the king, city of royal palaces, home of gods incarnate, erected by visvakarman at indra's behest".

isn't it amazing that there is a song composed entirely based on the name of a city?

:-)

new low

just found out from one of my ex-colleague that she was paid slightly less than me but with about a quarter of my jobscope... new low in my respect for my ex-bosses... reinforced my beliefs and so happy i left. 

hurray (?)

never felt so good before for an interview. but still, need to manage myself. no celebration until the offer is made and the negotiation is closed. let's hope for the best...

next round interview

well, have been for 3 rounds of interview and tomorrow will be another round... getting a little uneasy with so many rounds. for a good while, i thought the last one was the final round as i spoke with the company's top man. but it was not to be so... he ended by saying he would like to hear my further views about certain things and that that was but the first of perhaps 2 or 3 more rounds before they decide if they should give me the job... then again, the interview tomorrow will be with the next person who will be taking over the current top man next year. so i supposed it is also important for me to also convince him i can do it...

it is gonna be a tough one... wonder if this will be the last... and that a decision would be made.

wish me luck people, wish me lotsa luck!

arghhh... 

fatherly figure

something i shared with an (ex)-staff of mine couple of minutes ago...

(1) "whatever you do, make sure it is in the best interest of the people around you... and not necessarily for yourself..."

(2) "the best decisions in life are those that will allow you to sleep well at night, and to die with your eyes fully close..."

and yes, i do keep in close touch with my wonderful ex-staff and they are sharing things about the team that they don't usually share when i was there and it's very enlightening to hear (a lot more) things from their point of views. oops, i am turning into a fatherly/ uncle figure to them these days...

lol!

andainya aku pergi dulu

i will always remember this song... 1980. secondary 2 favorite.

:-)

Andainya aku pergi dulu
alley cats

Andainya aku pergi dulu sebelummu
Janganlah kau bersedih hati
Andainya aku tiada lagi di sisimu
Janganlah kau memencil diri
Bayangkanlah masa-masa bahagia
Semasa engkau dan aku
Bermesra di langit biru
Di waktu kasih berpadu

Andainya engkau pergi dulu sebelumku
Mestikah aku hidup melara
Andainya engkau tiada lagi di sisiku
Mestikah aku kecewa

Ku percaya kau selalu di sisiku
Walaupun jasadmu tiada
Walau di mana kau berada
Kasihku takkan berubah

Di pohon cemara ku ukirkan kata cinta
Bulan tersenyum dan bersinar
Berguguran daun jatuh lembut ke rambutmu
Meraikan suasana indah
Di sini ku berjanji disaksi rembulan
Andainya ku pergi dulu
Jikalau ku pergi dulu
Ku nantimu di pintu syurga

what the fart!

ok, this is gonna sound gross, but i thought this natural phenomena warrants some intellectual treatment... (ahem, intellectual some more)... ok, ok, i am gonna talk about "flatulence". and i thought of writing it becos i have been farting like crazy these couple of days! damned it! almost choked mum when i farted in the car yesterday... and today too... haha! 

ok, let's be serious. officially and formally, it is called "flatulence", but just like how we tend to shorten long words into short-and-easy-to-pronounced single syllabus word (eg "copulation" or "sexual intercourse" becomes "fuck"), we gladly, affectionately and conveniently shortened the word "flatulence" to none other than "fart". sometimes i do wonder why all these not too sexy words starts with an "f". and they are both 4-lettered words some more! wonder if there are any relation to the fact that both "f" involved places where the sunshine don't reach... (frightening! aha! another f-word)

ok, i shall take it that every single person in the history of mankind knows what it means and shall not bore anyone with the official explanation of it (you can check out wikipedia if you are intellectually curious), but suffice to say that it is breaking wind, or the act of passing out of gas from your system through your asshole. and my oh my, although it sounded so straight forward, all of us know it certainly is not. there are just so many many types of farts.... eg those that are loud but not smelly, no sound but with the effects equivalent to wmd (weapons of mass destruction) ones, the long hissing ones, loud quick "poot" ones, sharp spiky "pooooooooootttt" ones, those that sounded like a inflated balloon but release with its mouth flapping/ flying "plrmrmrmrmrmrrrr" ones, etc... yup, there are just so many types. also, there are a few things that are consistent... we fart when we have too much gas in the stomach, most of the times, the fart we fart are smelly when we want to shit, if we take a lot of vegetables, chances are the fart that we fart are less smelly, when our asshole feel kinda warm/ hot when we fart usually means the fart belongs to the wmd-category type...

and yes, for the unenlightened, i am not sure if all animals fart, but i know for sure my dog farts too. and her fart is usually the wmd-type... not too pleasant when it occurs at night when she sleeps next to my bed (on the floor)...

hahaha!

ok, will stop here. this is a damned bo-liao post.

ps: and oh, always listen to your mother... when you have wmd-type of fart, it means your body is very juak (heaty), time to drink more liang teh... 

pps: have you come across this gay-joke (good to once a while laugh at ourselves ya) - how to distinguish between a virgin gay and a non-virgin gay? listen to their fart, the virgin ones will go "pppooooot". short and sharp. the non-virgin one will go "wooooooooosh"... 

bluddy rain

wah ranz... cannot believe this... these past 2 weeks was so bluddy hot and humid. the temperatures could literally cook an egg and you could feel the sun penetrate your skin! and becos of that, the usually crowded pools (with gaymen on sunny days) did not happen as i believed most stayed indoor for fear of getting chow tar and/ or skin cancer. on the roads, the surface were dry and dusty and you could almost get blinded by the glare from the hot sun. when the sky darkened yesterday, we thought we had a relief but it turned out to be that kinda one-two-drop of rain kinda rain. this type of rain, almost like heaven sweating, did not cool things down but rather, made every thing in its path dirty... my mum used to call such rain hujan kotor cos it makes things very dirty... and that was the condition of my car today. patches of dust all over. almost can mistaken it as a camouflaged tank if not for its dark blue tone.

and it was the same today - clear blue cloudless sky, scorching hot sun, terribly dusty roads, etc. all these factors combined made my car lagi dirty. and so, after picking my mum from the rehab center, i decided to wash my car... and can you imagine this, immediately after i washed my car and headed up to my unit, the sky suddenly turned dark and it rained cats and dogs! just take a look at the picture (the view from my room). somehow, the clouds just appeared out of nowhere! and it rained for less than 15min and the sky opened up again. 

wtf, wtf, wtf! 

arghhh...

iphone replaced

it was a week of peace... totally no phone calls and no smses. 

the reason was i had sent in my iphone for evaluation as it died on me after i dropped it. went to singtel shop, told the guy i dropped it but it couldn't be the reason cos i broke the fall with my foot. that guy tried to revive the phone but could not and told me to send to the hq/ apple service center. and he specifically told me not to tell them about me dropping the phone. he said to just let them evaluate. that was what i did last week. sent it in, told them the phone died. the service personnel took a look, told me they will sent it to apple service center for evaluation... well, they came back and told me the phone passed their evaluation and in its place, gave me a brand new iphone. no further questions asked.

:-)

and when i switched it on... i was flooded with smses, whatsapps, etc... wah... so many of my friends tried to contact me during the last week... and tuls, i replied u liao. a little belated, but still, congrats ya? more to come i hope...

lol!

ah sen - confirmed gay (?)

if there's one thing that bee is more acute than me, it is his sense of people's sexuality. in our close to 8 years together, he has been almost all the time correct when it came to guessing a person's sexuality. in fact, it has come to a point where i kinda accept that if he says a person is gay, i will take it as a fact. no further questions asked. i do attribute this to a few possibilities including (1) he is young and cute and people tend to look at him (and he enjoys it too! while i become inadvertently invisible in many gaymen's eyes when i stand beside him), (2) his gaydar is more acute, (3) my gaydar is dying just as i am hitting my man-o-pause aka andropause (hahaha! no la... just joking, especially the menopause part!) (4) i am just superbly straight-acting (bee will totally disagree with me on this)... hahaha... ok, i have digressed... let me continue...

last week, bee joined mum and i for some shopping at raffles city - a shopping center that is a very popular meet up place for gaymen in singapore. and as we shopped, bee walked ahead while i pushed mum's wheelchair. and that was when i chanced upon a uni classmate (let's call him ah sen). he was standing in my path browsing at some stuff... well, usually, when i meet my uni classmates in public, i would shy away cos i never like to strike any conversation, much less with someone whom i was not particularly close to nor had we kept in contact since our graduation in 1990/91. but at that moment, there was no way i could avoid him as he was directly in front of me. and so, i called out to him. he was kinda taken aback, but recovered quickly. we exchanged some pleasantries, and we parted ways as quickly too.

when i walked up to bee, his first reaction, before i could even explain that ah sen was my uni friend, was - "gay". huh? was my immediate response... why did you say that? i asked. oh, cos he cruised me... bee replied. hmmm...

i was surprised, yet in another way, not too surprised... you see, ah sen was never a very high profile person during uni days. he kept to a small group of classmates (i think germs should know them all) and i have always assumed he was with one of the girl in the group. we did talk to each other quite often, but it was mostly about studies-related stuff. he was one of the many i-know-you-as-a-friend-friend, but not-close-enough-to-share-anything-personal type of friend. and he came across as a rather private person. so... no further questions asked. and since we graduated, his name did surface once a while when my uni friends meet. and all these while, i noted he was never seen with a female, and that he always seemed to be alone. then again... i guess it is not important, even if he is gay, i hope he has come to terms with his sexuality. it is not a comfortable topic to talk about so openly, at least amongst people my age (read - generation), not when we are not too close in the first place.

picture from http://laglc.convio.net/site/PageServer?pagename=YW_LC_Coming_Out_Workshop_for_Men_V08

the return of bee

bee made his first return visit to the house friday evening. and it was a visit that was okayed by mum!

you see, mum had been superbly superstitious and had not allowed bee to enter the house for 100 days after his dad's demise. she said it would be very "suay" (unlucky) to do so... and becos of that, bee had not been able to visit the house... and finally last week, the 100-day period came and went. however, we did not insist on his coming over and chose to "play by the ear", observe her and test water... we wanted to see how receptive she would be to his visiting. and on friday, after bringing her to the temple together with bee, visit to peirce reservoir for a walk and to see monkeys, dinner, as well as grocery shopping at a megamart near my place, i conveniently asked bee (in mum's presence) to help me carry the stuff up to the house. and i asked it in such a way that sounded like asking mum's opinion about whether it was ok, and she gave the go ahead.

i supposed we were able to achieve this breakthrough not just becos of the 100-day duration. i do frankly think it was also becos of the intense amount of groundwork over the same period to put her mind at ease. for example, i consistently tried to convince her that some of her fears were unfounded (eg that his mother is trying to take over ownership of my house, etc)... and of cos, the fact that during the last 3 months, a lot of other things also happened that further helped stabilized my mum including the fact that bee and his family moved into a new house, got it totally renovated nicely, started driving (despite the fact that it is a company car), etc... so for now, she has the notion that he is richer than me, and probably living in a more luxurious environment. and as such, it therefore make no sense for him (or his mum) to want to take over my property... 

but of cos i do admit that during the 100-day period, there were some occasions where he sneaked in after she had fallen asleep la... afterall, we still need our time to do what couples do right? ok, ok, i am not referring to sex entirely (and come on, for a coming to 8 year relationship, sex seldom occurs... haha). what i was referring to includes opportunities to be physically close together, the ability to snuggle (as he surfed the net while i read), to exercise some animal instincts such as mutual grooming, digging of ears, plucking of white hair, etc...  hahaha... too much information here... but hey, these are the boring mundane daily stuff that couples do that are not spoken off as they are all considered not, and i repeat, totally not, sexy. after all, people wants to read about all the juicy sex and all right? who really bother, much less, wants to read about plucking white hair, dig ear wax, and stuff right? 

:-)

gay short story

such a heartwarming short film "do you, andy... 你願意了嗎?".

:-)

ps: and hor... i find the jeffrey character so so cute, much cuter than that andy guy...  haha...

wah ranz...

this is real evil of me, but i couldn't helped it when i passed this comment about someone earlier...

you see, we (bee, mum and i) were walking at a megamart near my house earlier after dinner and we saw a guy with a halloween monster/ troll mask over his face and playing the fool with his toddler kid. and instead of wearing the mask, he placed it over his face and held onto it as he pranced around like how the lion head of the chinese lion dance troop would do...

wah ranz, i thought... so unglam doing such things in public. then again, many a times, when parents play with their kids, i do wonder whether the kids ever cry out silently in their little innocent and pure head wtf is he trying to do. anyway, the baby just stared at him. no reaction... and when the guy (presumably the dad) too off the mask, instinctively i commented... wah ranz, he actually looks better with the mask on... hahaha...

bee said i was very bad, but, but, but... it's true... and i do not tell lies...

and this is the first time i chanced upon a real-life experience of i am fat, you are ugly, and i can diet...

ok ok stop it! i am being evil again!

bad boy! bad boy!

gay & lonely?

i came across this status update being posted on a forum... and i thought it was quite regretful that this person felt this way... it went:

"gay and lonely, is this a curse?"

well, we all don't have a choice when comes to being gay, but we do have a choice not to be lonely. and the only thing stopping us is ourselves... so... ya, my first initial response was - what the hell! get over it... go out and make friends, go out and chill out... and stop whining that you are gay. on the other hand, you should be glad you are gay! for you can see how evil human can be, how discriminating people can be, how negative things are,... and you can then learn not to be all the negatives that you see and be the best person ever.

and yes, i strongly believe that gay people are strong. much stronger than most straight people cos they all have it good. and they do not fully comprehend what it means to be discriminated.

the difference between a curse and a blessing is but a change in perspective.

we owe ourselves our own happiness. 

proactive pick ups...

relating to my earlier post on nothing venture, nothing gain, it is equally applicable in the context of cruising and picking people up. haha... i am sure you would agree with me that during such times, if you do not open your golden gap or make the first move (at least to show interest), and continue to act demure, you can forget about getting to know the person, much less, get into his pants... hahaha... 

and i learned this from my first crush! back then (1996), i was new to the whole concept of cruising and picking up people. and that was when he taught me that pro-activeness is important in order not to waste anybody's time. and to prove it, he actually showed me how to approach a guy. we were were shopping at raffles city and was about to head to dinner when we walked pass someone, who obviously was staring at and giving signals to him. and to prove his point, he straight away walked up to the fellow and talked to him. i was frankly taken aback and stood a distance away, staring at them and wondering how their contact would unfold, and whether that guy would be invited to join us for dinner.... a short while later, my crush turned back with a smile on his face and walked back alone.  that guy walked away, with a smile too... hmmm... when he got back to me, he explained that when that guy opened his mouth to talk, he couldn't hold a simple conversation in english and his teeth were all badly stained with cigarette tar... in short, he was a total turn off to my crush! and he decided not to pursue this person further and parted ways... but being a smooth talker and a seasoned person in the scene, he ensured that guy did not go down feeling dejected or embarrassed. he got his number and said he would keep in contact... 

whatever, it proved one thing - if my crush did not take the initiative to chat him up, they would probably have spent a good duration wasting time cruising one another... 

agree?

:-)

ps: still, for me, i am a natural shy person... hiak, hiak, hiaks... then again, we are all naturally shy when it comes approaching to people we like. no?

nothing venture, nothing gain

in the forum that i read usually, there was a person who asked what gay couples can do... and he wrote about how he and his partner wanted to do certain things but thought the ideas were futile as this or that will not allow it to happen etc... in short, he simply justified how things could not be done even before trying to do them... 

quite an interesting chap. and i was thinking... hmmm, then what the hell was he asking for suggestions from us, outsiders of his relationship? frankly, if we began putting and justifying barriers before we even try, then it might be better not to even let the idea surface. waste of effort altogether right? really, in life, if we think of something worth doing, then we should at least go try. nothing wrong. nothing venture, nothing gain... even if we were to be embarrassed at that moment, no one would remember us once we walk away. so? what's holding us back right? same for courtship, the most is a no... and life goes on, right?

and from what this person wrote, it reminded me of my first experience buying a car. it was 1990 and i was no more than 24 year old (damned! that was one helluva long time back!)...  or was it 1993... hmmm, memory failing me... ok, never mind. at that time, i could ill afford an expensive car, but i wanted a particular brand cos the car looked good and smart. haha, yes, i know, i was and i still am superficial when it comes to such things. looks are more important than technical details. and so, without knowing anything about cars, its parts, la la la.... in short, without know what i should look for in a car, i walked into a showroom, walked up to the agent and i asked - ahhh, do you have a car that is below s$xxxxx?... i think the agent probably found me, a young looking puck freaking naive and probably bordering the whole concept of stupidity... and he simply and curtly answered, no, and went about doing his stuff. he completely ignored me! 

haha... but it was an interesting experience. of course, i continued walking around the showroom, looked at how people make their transactions, and simply my showroom hopping... heh... well, my point is - if i had not tried, i would have not learned (of cos, i could have done some research before that, but at that time, when internet access was only available to top researchers, information such as car parts, performance, etc were not so easily available. and thus, such blind head on gatecrashes was one way to learn about things. and that was how i learned about many things in my early years. it was the same when i bought my house, when i took up a loan, when i got into the business of engaging lawyers, when i bought my motorbike, etc...

and i must say, it builds a person's character too...

heh heh...

here without you... again

for whatever reasons, someone clicked on this song and it appeared in my blog stats. i clicked on it...

as i listened, florida came back to me. and i so miss florida. of the base i worked in, of my container office, of my rented house, of the shopping centers, the long aimless drives on weekends, the escapes from hurricanes, the flights to new york, to chicago, the dinners, the non-stop meetings, the work co-ordinating operations for our missions in iraq and afghanistan, the... etc... and especially of tampa bay, my daily runs there, the many moments when i starred into the ocean, the heartaches for people back home, and for james, the lonely nights... yup, so many things came flooding back all at once. listening to this song brings back all the feelings of loss, of pining for people, of missing home, yet at the same time, of freedom, of being able to do what i want to do, when i want to do, and how i want to do things... and the whole ambience and feel of overseas, alone. 6 months.

but no, i don't miss him now although at times i still get reminded of him. then again, as i listened to this song now, my heart feels a little achy. not sure how to describe it, but it is that kinda of momentary dropping feeling and achy feeling that i feel whenever i get transported back to the days of tampa, of florida, of the united states.

sighs...

Here Without You
Songwriters: Roberts, Matt; Harrell, Todd; Arnold, Brad; Henderson, Chris;

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me, yeah oh yeah oh

sounds like gay porn...

well, this is about my very friendly chiropractor again... 

today, went to visit him... and as usual, had my deep tissue massage of my right shoulder on top of all the twists and cracking of my spine. given that the treatment has been rather intensive for the last 2 months, my shoulder has started to slowly readjust itself. as a result, my shoulder felt really awkward and sore. and today when i visited him, the shoulder muscles were stiff and uncooperative. he expertly felt and identified all the knots and with the intentions to break all of them down, he used a lot of strength when he did the deep tissue massage. it was really painful. but it was good... it was that kinda painful-but-i-freaking-shit-love-it-oh-please-don't-stop feeling... and as he massage, he kept telling me how deep he has always been doing it and how much more deeper he is really doing it today... and when he ended, he told me that becos it was so intense, the areas around where he massaged had turned red (the blood capillaries has burst due to his pressure, he explained) and would probably scar for a day or two... and he added that well, it would help you remember me by... and he ended with a heh heh...

omfg, such words, if taken out of context can really sound one helluva gay-porn-y to some right? but of cos, you know what i was thinking of when he said all these. it was all pure thoughts. lol!

haha... then again, it was just a massage and a chiropractic treatment...

:-)

ps: i have always wondered where he got his executive shirts from... i know he said he got them tailored at bkk, but really, they are really beautiful... or what a minute, could it also be becos his body carry the shirt well? hmmm... whatever...

pps: whenever he massages me, i will not talk nor chat with him as i would be grimacing in pain. and when i explained that to him, he said he know, and that he would just listen to my deep breathing as he presses my shoulder away... haha!

sunshine after rain...

things are back to normal today... or, by evening, to be more specific. the mental tensions that i had expected did not occur. woke up and she seemed somewhat normal. spoke to her and she responded as per usual. the only hint of anything behavior that was not normal was that she left quietly for her rehab without telling me. that was the clearest indicator that she was a little off this morning. when i called her at noon as per usual to check on her, she spoke with me in a rather normal manner. and by evening time, she was back to her old self. just like as though nothing had happened. the following were some of the things that i suspected helped:

• when i "lectured" her yesterday, i kept using my granddad's (her father whom she feared, and respected) name and told her that her behaviour was not what he had expected and that if he was alive, he would chide her... this was to prevent her subconscious from working up. when it does so, it will always manifest itself as my granddad coming in her dream to tell her to run away or that her children are not filial to her etc. so, in a way, by using my granddad's name, i was targeting her sub-consciousness. you could say i was playing mental games... but i guess it helped. 
• before she slept yesterday, i increased the diazepam (sleeping pill) dosage by an additional half tablet. that was to make her sleep deeper and to prevent her from waking up prematurely. this would help relax her mentally.
• there was an incident at her rehab center that made her rather excited. that could possibly erase some of her memory about what happened yesterday. apparently, at the rehab center, as she related to me during dinner, one of the patients (short of a better word) lose her consciousness after lunch and was send to the hospital via an ambulance. according to her, she had spend the morning chatting with this lady and was kinda taken aback at sudden turn of event.

so... by evening, everything seemed perfectly fine. it was like as though nothing had happened. and she was even receptive to having bee join us for dinner. and to make sure i break the routine, i brought her to raffles city instead of the usual changi city point, etc.

:-)

hell broke loose

after a day of psycho-ing myself to be happy and gay, i lost it totally this evening.

all hell broke loose... i hit my threshold when she again refused to eat and insisted on white porridge with soya sauce. she needed to take proper meals or she will suffer downstream medical issues, especially when she was forewarned this morning she needed to take some proper food after her medication or her stomach will be affected. it has happened before and it is happening again. and her tone of voice towards me was superbly hostile. and before i knew it, she started her wallowing again... next thing i knew, i was throwing everything onto the living room floor. the porridge flew, my rice cooker flew, glass containers of canned food flew, my rice storage container flew, spoons, ladle, and so on... everything was everywhere. the house was a total war zone. and i broke down, i cried.  

and when i got myself composed and quietened down, i had to spend close to 3 hours washing the house... and as i washed, i reminded her how much efforts i had put in to look after her, despite her frequent accusations that i disliked having her stay with me and that i am ill-treating her. she kept quiet throughout.  and after i cleaned the house, i administered her her evening medication. she took it quietly and went to bed. and now that i am a little more composed, i felt a little bad. should have controlled my temper.

i will now have to face the brunt of her mental flare up tomorrow.

sighs...

ps: everything that was thrown broke... and i do not intend to buy anymore rice, rice cooker, etc. it would give her reasons to refuse food and cook white porridge again. and when that happens, it's gonna give me more tensions...

happy & gay, trying to be...

well, felt agitated earlier, and still am... somewhat... have not taken any food today. a hungry man is an angry man. then again, i am not a "man" man per se today... my mental state is such that i am trying to make myself see things from a positive point of view. but i am certainly not delusional. i am trying hard to see things from different perspectives. a more positive perspective i hope. need to be, well short of an appropriate adjective, happy and gay! lol!

i am lying in bed, stuck at home. cannot head out, not when i have an emo-mental mum at home who has locked herself in her room and insisting on a plain porridge diet now. so... anyway, the sky is really bright and beautiful. and there is hardly any haze. beautiful day... hmmm... yes, have done the laundry too. just nice... and damned! am also becoming an auntie now! lol!

and yes, i am hungry. very hungry now. but i have no desire to eat. in part cos i am agitated and in part cos i have to head out to buy food, and i cannot do that. hmmm... perhaps it is a good thing to do considering i am a little overweight and that it will help me slim down.

usually when the sun is out like the way it is now, i will head to the pool for a tan, ogle at the boys (or some young uncles even) and perhaps witness a flashing or two. but much as i itch so now, i cannot... but hey, my face will be less tanned and i will probably look fabulous when i go for any interviews... and certainly, i will reduce my chance of getting skin cancer.

and my phone is spoilt. i need to get it send to the service center. but i cannot leave my mum alone. ok, ok, will send it in to the service center tonight, and can have dinner there at the same time. and yes, since the service center is at changi city point, i might as well pay a visit to take a look at the cute vietnamese boy...

and since i am so bluddy free now at home, i might as well write entries into my blog... and don't ask me why i chose this picture of a face, i just thought it was nice...

:-)

picture from http://www.gaydarradio.com/music/interviews/2012/3/cocabelle.html

agitated

i am feeling extremely agitated now over how things are developing with regards my mum. need to keep reminding myself to hold my cool.

look inwards... look inwards...

even this shall pass...

picture from http://www.flixya.com/photo/1694701/Agitated-Depression

self-pity

the doctor said her stomachache was due to gas. and it could be due to indigestion. gave her a jab and some medication and asked her to make sure she takes the medication regularly. and given the acidic nature of her medication, we were told to ensure she take some food after taking the medicine. i asked the doctor why she kept asking for water despite the fact that she was only recently hospitalized for overloading of fluids and that the hospital did not find anything wrong with her kidneys or bladder. the doctor told me all these could be due to her depression. sighs... 

and as to be expected, she was in her self-pity mode. my husband don't want me, my children don't want me, i want to die, i don't want to live... la la la... and when i brought her for breakfast after the visit to the clinic, as needed for her and her medication, she refused food. and insisted she simply wants plain water. an exact repeat of what happened to her before her last hospitalization. almost lost my cool at the hawker center. and after some intensive coaxing, managed to get her to minimally drink half a glass of barley, take her medication and to minimally take a bite of bread when she reach home. she kept going on and on about how she wants to die, how her children are not treating her well, how she wants to resort to social welfare, etc. well... she is now home, managed to get her to eat a small bite of bread. nonetheless, her self-pity and wallowing continues. and she has also started to bring back all her history. and worst, confuse some of her history with her present... sighs. let's see how to manage her day's meals... gonna be one helluva challenging given her pattern of going on hunger strike or to simply eat plain white porridge (she believes if she does so, she will get immediate divine intervention to solve her problems). can also expect her self-pity, wallowing and accusations of neglect, delusion etc to continue for the next few days...

i had hoped to take a mental break and to do some proper job search, and not to be occupied with having to focus solely on her. but it looks increasingly difficult...

this was exactly what i had feared.

picture from http://insidemybubbletoday.blogspot.sg/2009/09/my-bubble-ive-been-left-behind.html

what a start

today is the first day of unemployment for me - that is, according to how news have unfolded to mum. 

i woke up, all ready to hit the road to do my chiro, to meet up with an old friend, and then to repair my iphone... in short, my me-time after a weekend of managing mum's mood swings.

and when i walked out of my room, mum whined and at the same time commanded me, i have stomach ache since 3am. i couldn't sleep properly... i want to see doctor, i don't want to go rehab. call the rehab staff not to come fetch me...

i am trying very hard to control myself. but i seriously feel she is doing this on purpose. let's hope i am wrong.

arghhhh...

told her liao

i have deliberately made every possible efforts not to tell my mum about quitting my job as i know she would not be able to take this stress. and i had kept this news from her for the longest time. nonethless, i told my sis about it and she told my mum about it last month. and since then, she had been asking me non-stop about it. i found out later after asking my mum that my sis had told her about it and the news  made her worry. since then, she would time and again asked to go to the temple pray for me to have a smooth worklife, and for me to be able to find a good job... sighs... it was specifically becos i didn't want this to happen that i wanted to keep my quitting from her. she cannot take such stress. damned i thought. why must be sis be so careless in her conversation with my mum. didn't she know that mum cannot take such news? damned damned damned! of cos i cannot blamed her for she totally cannot and do not know how to talk to mum. she didn't even bother to want to talk to her! anyway, i smsed her and told her about this boo-boo and asked her not to harp on it nor bring it up again. she said ok... the matter was not brought up again.

since leaving my job 2 weeks ago (which mum did not know about), i had been maintaining my routines of heading to "work" and coming home as per "normal" time. i didn't want mum to worry about my unemployed status and i had prior to my departure from work, forewarned my siblings about telling my mum about it. but somehow, over the last 2 weeks, i found mum behaving very weird. everytime she spoke with me or when she saw me, she would asked whether i am really going to work, or whether i am at home when i called her, or what time did i come home from work, etc. initially i found out that she asked the condo cleaner and they told her i was home. and so i continued staying off my place through the whole day. but still the questioning went on despite all the so-called cover up. and in one of my indirect questioning of mum, i found out that my second sis has time and again, call her and ask her whether i am at home, what time i come home, what time i go work etc. and all these despite telling her that i have not told mum about me stopping work. damned damned damned and more damned! 

so, to prevent further damages and having to handle even more tensions, i decided to tell mum i will be stop going to work this coming week. i told her about it on friday (2 days ago). and guess what - mum went into depression. she started not talking. she avoided food. she just wanted to drink plain water. she refused her medication. she just laid on the sofa and blanked off, black-faced. just so so so freaking frustrating. like as though i am not frustrated enough, now i have to manage a depressed mum... told both my brother and sister about it. asked them to help talk to her and to advise her to eat. and their reply? sorry, i am very busy, got no time to do it. will be busy for the next 2 weeks. you manage. well, not exact words but you got the drift. and that was what i did through this weekend. had to cajole her to eat, brought her to the temple to ease her mental stress, avoid staying at home as she would go into blank mode once she hits her sofa, brought her to my brother's place to play with my niece, go shopping, go walk around... but well, she knows i am now unemployed. and i can see more questions coming. for a start, just before she retire to bed, she already asked, tomorrow, what time you waking up? what are you going to do? la la la... 

so very tiring. no, am just totally exhausted now. 

iphone died

arghh! dropped my iphone and the screen went blank... and it won't start up. hmmm... frustrating! then again, i will be forced to be free of my phone for the moment. peace indeed...

:-)

happiness

we may be one of the richest country in the world, but are we the happiest? i don't sense it from what i am seeing. also, many a times, the poorest people are the happiest. if that is the case, perhaps we should take a step back and reflect if we can balance our materialistic approach to growth with something less tangible?

in fact, this quick reflection reminded me of a few things.  first of which was my buddhist teachings. it reminded me about the need to manage greed. greed is one of the 3 poisons (the other 2 being delusion and ignorance). and in the pursuance of more material wealth aka greed, we have forsaken/ not placed sufficient emphasis on aspects relating to our non-tangibles. concepts such as kindness, respect, happiness... to put in perspective, it is not wrong to pursue materials/ tangibles, but the over emphasis of this has resulted in very unhealthy outcomes. this, of course, leads me to the conclusion that we are suffering due, in a large part, to our inability to practice moderation or middle path, in buddhist lingo. and this reminded me of something that mahatma gandhi said, and it went something like this:

"we can feed all the needs in society, but we cannot feed all the greed"

just a quick weekend babbling here...

sorry for you

i have a long time friend, or specifically a 34-year friend, that i meet up for meals regularly. often, it would be at his place where his wife would cook and i would eat as part of his family. but over the last year or so since my mum came over to stay with me, we could only do lunches as i have to be home to look after mum. he knew about my daily/ weekly routines and would often try to arrange for lunches instead. and recently, he said he felt very sorry for me cos i have not much time to myself (he does not know i am gay)... well... i told him not to. it (the routine) is something that i can grow in to, although i initially faced a lot of internal tensions at the lose of my self-time... 

but well, i supposed i have gotten used to it.

my routines

here's my weekly routine... and it repeats every week...

weekdays
0730: self-time (wake up, wash up)
0740: dog-time (bring dog to pee/ shit)
0750: self-time (read newspaper)
0800: work-time (go to work)
1830: dog-time (come home, bring dog to pee/ shit)
1845: mum-time (bring mum for dinner/ shopping)
2145: mum-time (come home, administer medication to her)
2200: self-time (watch tv, relax, work)
2230: dog/ bee time (bring dog to pee, meet bee @ car park if he is free)
2315: self-time (bath, work, relax, surf net, & watch porn too)
0100: sleep-time...

weekends
0830: self-time (wake up, wash up)
0840: dog-time (bring dog to pee/ shit)
0850: self-time (read newspaper)
0900: mum-time (bring mum to breakfast)
1000: housework/ mum-time (come home, housework, chat with mum)
1200: mum-time (bring mum out, for lunch, to temple, to visit bro, etc)
1600: housework/ mum-time (come home, housework, buy tea for mum)
1815: dog-time (bring dog to pee/ shit)
1830: mum-time (bring mum for dinner/ shopping)
2145: mum-time (come home, administer medication to her)
2200: self-time (watch tv, relax)
2230: dog/ bee-time (bring dog to pee, meet bee @ car park if he is free)
2315: self-time (bath, relax, surf net, & watch porn too, lol)
0100: sleep-time...

kinda routine... and if there are any deviations (eg to attend a dinner), lots of preparations need to be put in place or else, mum will go mental... but well, gotten used to it...

on repeat mode...

picture from http://funnyfunny12.no-ip.org

sleeping with all...

in one of the forum that i visited often, there was a comment and it went, and i quote verbatim:

"i notice if you befriend an aj on facebook, 

you can pretty much play connect-the-dots to all the ajs in singapore lol"

an interesting comment indeed. in fact, it was similar to something many of my friends and i kinda concluded many moons back... that:

"if you sleep with one aj in singapore, you sleep with all..." 

(or for that matter, all gays in the world!)

agree? haha!

don't play play, be protected, wear condom when you play. practice safe sex always. you never know where the hiv virus had spread to in the line of the many persons that were part of the chain of people involve in this chain of sex partners, of which you were but part of the long chain...

picture from http://www.nomblog.com/18077/

one cute vietnamese boy!

well, since i have just written an entry about one cute filipino boy, i shall also write an entry about a cute vietnamese boy... here goes. you see, i always walk my mum at changi city point. and as usual, i would walk her to a japanese restaurant where this very cute pizza boy works. well, this is a japanese western food restaurant that serves pizzas and what have yous and they make the pizza fresh in front of the public. and ever so often, whenever i walk pass the restaurant, i would secretly take glances at him... 

what happened yesterday was that as i walked pass the restaurant, he was busy making pizzas. and i asked mum if she wanted to take a look. of cos, mum, being curious as usual, decided to do so and stood up from her wheelchair. our pizza boy noted our presence and smiled at us shyly as he continue kneading the pizza dough. mum watched him make the pizza while i watched him. haha... this went on for a while and when he was at this second pizza, he looked at us again and smiled as he pointed to the roast duck picture to us. that was when i started our little conversation. i asked if he needed to undergoing training for it... he said his japanese chef taught him. he sounded foreign and i asked further if he was japanese... he said no, he was from vietnam. heh heh... we spoke a bit more and he told me his name. and i asked if i could take some pictures to which he gamely posed for me, pizza and all... so cute i thought. haha... and then he added, when you come next time, tell me. i will make a special one for you. i will try my best and i hope you like it... so sweet right!? then again, it would have been even more appealing to me if he had said if you wanna cum next time, i will give you a special... haha...

well, after his demonstration and short chat, i thanked him in vietnamese and for that very moment, his jaw dropped. and next thing i knew, he broke into a huge shy grin! haha... think he didn't expect anyone to be able to speak vietnamese... and well, for the record, i could only utter thank you in vietnamese. haha... and as bee said it, ya ya ya, know one word and can use it to bluff small boys... hahaha... my bee knows me so well...

one cute filipino boy!

was walking along east coast park yesterday and found an employment pass under a tree. i took a look and saw a stack of cards together with it. well, the cards were nothing, really, they were largely name cards, promotion cards, telephone cards and even some loyalty cards. but what made me a little concerned was the fact that the employment pass is still valid and belonged to filipino working as a draughtsman for a construction company. 

he must be one helluva worried, i thought. the first thing that came to my mind was to head to the police station and hand it over. but after i got back to my car, i decided it would probably be a hassle and the filipino would probably be super duper worried. i took a closer look at the pass and noted the company's name and decided to google for it in my car. in no time, i got the the guy (who was on site instead of his office). i called him and arranged to meet him up at an mrt station... as i drove, i got an sms from him asking me to call him at that mobile number when i arrive.

well, looking at the details on the pass, well, i noted he will be 30 years old next month, as for the look department, his picture showed him a little balding, and not too good-looking. but i had to remember his looks cos that was the only way i could identify him by. i arrived at the mrt station, and when i saw him, i was like wow wow wow! such a cute boy! nice built, about 1.7m, broad shoulders, cute face and best of all, very firm handshake and nice manly voice...

he thanked me profusely for returning the things. i drove off, still mesmerized by his looks... and i decided to sms him. hope the things are in order, i wrote. and he replied with a super long message thanking me again... so sweet i thought. and i replied, happy birthday in advance... :-) such a flirt i am... someone told me once before, filipinos are all so so friendly becos they are either gay or bi, there are no straight filipino men... and for that moment, i  wish i had tested him... haha!

to prevent further flirting, i deleted his phone number. 

ps: my v friendly chiropractor is a first gen singapore pr of filipino descent!

getting bored

well, not really... how can one possibly get bored with doing nothing right? but well, it is really true. been rather free last 2 weeks... since i left the company. and i supposed it is also becos i cannot come home during the day time and i have to wild away my time wondering what to do... that is the difficult part lo...

:-)

ears n mouth

was surfing the web today and this was what i read. and i thought it is really something... very realist in fact...

"successful singaporeans don't listen enough. if god gave you two ears and one mouth, use it proportionately. it worries me when clever people don't do that... we have had political stability for so long that we've started to take it for granted. if you ask me, all this talk about human rights and liberal democracy is idealistic." ceo, capitaland

so true ya?

forgetful mum

these days, mum are getting increasingly more forgetful. for that matter, things that happened a day or two ago, she cannot recall much. looks like her condition is worsening. 

sighs.

taking care of mum

these are some of the lessons i have learned from taking care of mum that i have shared in one of the gay forum that i frequent. and i am writing it here cos i think they are important notes that i can share. it was not easy and i too went through the tensions and am not shy to admit that i have lost my temper with her many a times. i had also tried to play mind games with her, thinking that to counter mental issues is to also play mind games, but ultimately, i learned that it is futile. she is incapable of thinking logically at times and can only rant about things that happened 50 years ago. and she would repeat the same story day in day out, and she would throw tantrums when she feels anything is not right, choosing to take it that things are happening against her favor... in short, she is like a baby in an elderly body... so... yup, the few things i have learned that helped me include:

• see things from her angle and try to understand what she is trying to say (observe the body language and try to understand what is unsaid instead). it also helps to start from the point that the elderly is very insecure
• avoid as much as possible to avoid seeing things from an "me" angle, that is the start of personal tensions (e.g. i want to do this but she...., i want to eat this but she..., because of her, i cannot do this, or that...)
• when talking to her, i learn to get her to talk instead and ask more question that answer questions
• when responding to her, respond in a way that tells her she is the center of my world
• when explaining things to her about consequences about her actions, explain the consequences on her rather than consequences on me (or you).
• also, it helps to know that to elderly, they always chose not to believe you but believe people of authority, eg doctor, policeman, lawyer, etc, so when you see a doctor, work with the doctor to tell her things you want to tell her (eg i tell the doctor to tell her not to drink too much as overloading herself with fluid will lead to edema/ leg swelling)
• always assure her that things are ok
• never tell her major news, slowly release things to her in bite size, take time to built a picture. will reduce the stress level. here, do note that big/ small are relative. to an elderly dementia mental patient, a simple news such as "i will be going out of the house later" can be considered big news and if handled wrongly, can be interpreted as "you don't want to look after me, you are leaving me along, you don't care about me anymore, so i will leave the house..."

and to maintain family harmony,

• never bad mouth or say anything about your siblings regardless of what your elderly parent say (what they say is what they interpret through their lenses and may not be the real fact)
• if there is nothing good to say, dont say anything
• if she tells you this or that about your sibling, ask her why rather than tell her your opinion. never share any opinion cos it might be interpreted as taking sides and the elderly may, through their interpretation, say something else to your siblings.
• talk direct to your siblings instead of through your elderly parent, will prevent a lot of misunderstanding

well, these are just some simple pointers... hope to built up this list over time...

of cocks & quick bucks

damned! have been getting spam mails from some adriana xyz (the last name varies)... and all asking if i want sex or if i wanna earn a quick buck... these people are damned one kind. keep spamming people's mails. and to top it off, after so many years of getting penis-related mails (such as a series i got previously about thicker or longer penis), there are still people sending spam mails asking if i want to lengthen my penis or have a harder hard on via some enhancement pills. darned! these people really know how to target the human male's insecurities and/ or desires. then again, i wonder what is the success rate of these mails... imagine, if the spammers sent out 1 million of such mails, they will get minimally 1000 hits even if the success rate is 0.1%. not too bad. not too bad.

ps: and for the record, i strongly believe thickness or length is not the issue. the key is whether it is functional and whether his master can combine it with a solid foreplay, and to make full use of all his charm and senses to turn on his partner. come on, what good is someone with a super schlong if he turns out to be a cold dead fish or a total asshole, right? haha!

pink - try

a very nice song that was shared by a pen pal via an email. kinda surprised to have him share this song with me. my first reaction was - pink? ok, she is so not my generation. i mean, i have heard of her and praises about her songs. but, really, i have not really actively gone out to listen to her nor find out how she looks like. perhaps that is just how i am at this point in my life. i have really passed the stage of listening and following songs. these days, most if not all the new songs i know are recommended by people. hmmm... age perhaps? haha... or perhaps it is just the stage of life where i am more settled and no longer looking for such escapes. whatever... i clicked on the youtube link. and the video started.

and as i watched, what struck me was the lyrics. it reminded me of the days when i was actively searching for love and looking for love at the wrong places, getting hurt and getting no where. the many years up to 1996 where i was involved sexually with many ons yet denying my own sexuality were the most empty and emotionally draining, yet, at the same time, very eventful and memorable. within that span on a year or 2 after i came out, i oscillated between extremes of happiness and the depth of depressions. and yes, i was even suicidal. dec 1996... thinking back, it was kinda extreme. and i was very stupid. mmm...

ok, i have allowed my thoughts to run again. yup, lots of thought went through my mind as i listened to the song and followed the lyrics. times have changed. people have grown old. many have died. yet, the emotions that we experience remain the same. and yes, for me, i am happy that i am now very comfortable with myself at many levels, sexually, emotionally, etc...

:-)

thank you my friend for sharing this.

low class people

after the visit to the polyclinic, i brought mum to the marine parade market for breakfast again. well, of cos, my purpose for heading there was not to find the gay butcher aka zhu rou rong la (although i am sure many of you will not believe me, lol!)... so let me share my main reason - my mum only takes vegetarian food for breakfast and the hawker center is one of the 2 (the other being bedok north hawker center) that sells a variety of good vegetarian food, including vegetarian kuay chup, vegetarian bee hoon, vegetarian wonton mee, etc. but well, since i was there, i decided to buy pork from zhu rou rong after my breakfast, and woh! there was a new assistant butcher! and this one looked totally like a typical uni-student! and he spoke very good english too! for all you know, he might just be a uni-undergrad! and i was pleasantly surprised that zhu rou rong actually speaks quite good english too! whatever the case, it was very interesting to hear them utter "tai lou, here's your rou ku, $4 please". woh! cantonese, chinese, english, everything into one sentence! how much more singaporean can that be right? lol! 

ok, back to my story. when we arrived, i wheeled my mum to the table reserved for handicapped persons. and at this table, there was an elderly lady. she had placed quite a few bags on the table and chairs. but when she saw us, she allowed us to sit there. and although she said she would vacate the table and move to the next table (where a few aunties and uncles were seated), she did not. well, it did not really bother me and i went about getting the food. in no time, the food came and we started eating. and before i knew it, the lady started talking to me. she told me how the noodle from the store i ordered was inferior to another store, and about who is who in the market and which store is good and which store should be avoided. she speaks fluently in english and chinese. and through the conversation, i learnt that she is 77 years old and is a retired primary school teacher. and the conversation went on with her talking about her family, her daughter, her granddaughter, how she enjoys good food, her visits to the different countries and how she still climb mountains, her infrequent game of mahjongs on weekends, etc... it all seemed easy conversation but... as she got comfortable, she started to also say things that made me uncomfortable... 

she started to say things from a very self-righteous angle, and she went on the brag about how she was able to enjoy life despite being 77 years old becos she is educated, compared "those old ladies" who are not educated (which was kinda weird considering my mum, who was uneducated, was sitting beside me!) i kept quiet... and as she spoke, one of the hawker auntie came forward to speak with her. the hawker auntie seemed to know her well and they spoke in cantonese. after a quick chat, the hawker auntie went over to the next table and continued chatting (with the uncles and aunties).  now these uncles and aunties were the typical dialect-speaking people, very heartlander and very spontaneous. and they spoke loudly and laughed out loud at the slightest joke they crack. it was actually  quite a nice gathering of friends i thought. but not to this lady for despite all the smiles, she said "these people are lowly educated. and much as i come here to meet friends, i try not to be seen with them or to sit with them (ahhhh... that explained why she did not move to the next table earlier, i thought). you know, she said, these people are very low class..." adoi... how could you say that, i thought. not very nice right? if you think they are low class, then in the first place, you should simply just keep out of this place. terrible terrible. after she shared all these, i felt uncomfortable and i quickly excused myself and walked away with my mum. sighs...

but of cos, when i did a quick reflection, i realized that what she expressed was very typical of people of her generation. this was exactly how my mum always shared with me about how my aunts and uncles would look up/ down on people based on their education levels, wealth, etc... and somehow, i am really glad we singaporeans have moved away from all these... although i would say, factors such as education-levels and wealth continue to be important factors that shaped our views of people... (just look at my first paragraph of this blog! ha!)

:-)

picture from http://www.spring.org.uk/2012/04/do-posh-people-cheat-more-than-the-lower-classes.php

health check

i passed my blow job test... erm... haha... ok, ok, here's the story. i was at the polyclinic this morning for my regular 6-monthly check-up. had felt like not going cos there was totally nothing wrong with me... well, except perhaps my infrequent headaches, my non-stop back flow of my mucus in my nose, my never-ending sniffling, my persistent coughs, my sometimes short of hearing, my once a while diarrhea, my ever present mouth ulcers when i get heaty... damned, after writing all these, i feel like a half-dead person... but hey, when you see a doctor every half-yearly, issues that flare up once in a blue moon becomes a non-issue... and so, with no other intentions other than the desire to catch up with my doctor (who, has over time, become my friend), i visited the polyclinic. and i brought mum along. i thought it would be good to make the visit into a little outing for mum too... cannot leave her alone at home in case she goes mental... not good. well, the visit to the clinic was easy (as usual)... as a family clinic patient, i had priority in all things. no queues, no waiting, etc. and it was easy peezy.

• height: 1.71m (vertically challenged, but normal for people my generation)
• weight: 73.3kg (damned, i have put on weight again!)
• bmi: 25.06 (need to target 23-ish)
• blood pressure (bp): 108/ 78
• pulse rate: 68 
• temperature: normal 
• peak expiratory flow rate (pefr): 515 (the nurse said, wow, very good!). this is to test my ability to breathe out air from my lung. i was required to blow into a tube called the peak flow meter (see picture above). the reading would be an indicator of my respiratory health. in short, how well i could give a blow job. literally! and yes! for the record, i passed the blow job test with flying rainbow colors!

everything was great and i was given a clean bill of health... well, of cos, when the nurse asked if i have been compliant for my statins, i said no, and i also admitted i had not been exercising as much as what was desired... then again, if it was a measurement of eye exercise looking at cuties, i would have passed with flying rainbow colours too... lol, ok, i have gone out of point. since i was there, i took the nurse's advice to have my flu vaccination. and of cos, the nurse was so nice as to help me register for mum to get her vaccinated as well.

:-)

pictures from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peak_expiratory_flow

capital letters

i read somewhere that when a person writes in capital letters wholly, he/ she is an egotistic person, and one who does not like to reveal to people about themselves. and if a person writes in small caps primarily, then he/ she is a person who lacks self-confidence. hmmm... well, i write in small caps. and am i lacking of confidence? hmmm... perhaps i am, but in areas that i am strong in, i definitely am not... so, is this "theory" of caps vs confidence a valid one? i am not sure and i don't care! all i know is that i am used to it, and i have decided to use small caps since a couple of years back cos i am simply too lazy to press "shift" on the keyboard so often. so... ya, confident or not, i don't care and i don't bother! and i think people sometime has too much time at hand and thus go about analyzing such bo liao details. 

haha... i certain do sound confident here!

picture from http://thesumofdavid.com/2009/06/04/letters/

swimming pool sights

have been hitting the pool these couple of days to swim and to tan. i had started my swimming regime all over again as part of the process to strengthen my shoulder muscles. and frankly, the pool on weekdays can either be very quiet, in which case, would be filled with gay men, or really crowded with noisy kids.

today, when i arrived at about 11-ish, it was rather quiet. and as per quiet days, there would be a couple of gay men tanning away. and it so happened that my favorite few tanning chairs located at the far end was taken and i had to lie on another one that was located closer to the public viewing area. as it was a quiet day, i didn't mind. before long, an ang mo (caucasian) man in white trunks, who had just finished his swim, came by and laid on a tanning chair face-up. the ang mo then put on a pair of dark sunglasses - the type that could protect his eyes very well, and at the same time mask his eyes from us such that we would not know whether he was indeed looking at guys. 

just about the same time, a tall chinese guy (a common face in the pool) arrived. as usual, he was in his running shorts. this guy has the habit of wearing running shorts with no inner lining. and what he did was he dragged a tanning chair and placed it close to the ang mo. despite the sunglasses, it was clear our ang mo was looking at this chinese guy as he turned his head towards his direction. this chinese guy (who was also aware that ang mo was looking at him) then pretended to look for things in his bag, and as he searched, he deliberately spread his legs and exposed himself to the ang mo. 

aiyoh... broad daylight lo... and in front of me too... next thing you know, both the chinese guy and the ang mo started getting aroused... as for the chinese guy, his family jewel jutted out of his shorts in full glory to the ang mo and i. as for the ang mo, he was facing upwards and you could see it grow... mmm... and let's put it this way... you can count his pulse rate just by looking at what's straining against his trunks... and it was indeed a huge one! 

tsk tsk tsk... what an "in-sight-ful" morning.

unemployment

been a good few restful days for me. suntan, swim, run, gym, relax, shop... the usual stuff that one would do when one is free. and yes, i am really free these days... but well, before you envy me, i would say this - i don't think i can last! relaxing for a day or two is fine, but if i were to relive the period of unemployment between my retirement from military service and the start of my last employment, i'd be very stressed up!

this time round, i must say my financial standing is not as good. in fact, i think i can probably last a month or two and if i don't start work, i'll probably have to start selling backside... well, not literally though. there is no market for angkers (or at least paid market)... hahaha! but seriously, this time round, my finances are really tight, and coupled with the housing and car loans, i have the added responsibilities to look after, feed and clothe my mum and so on.

and i must add, my mum does not know i am unemployed and to keep her from worrying, i have to leave home at 8.15am daily and return pass 6pm. i cannot even come home in between cos my condo cleaners would talk about it like how it happened 2 days back! and mum would get all suspicious and mental... argh... well, hope to get the job i am waiting for by november!

ps: the headhunter called up and told me the interview date with the top man is firmed!

picture from http://fasteasyloans.org/unemployed-and-need-a-loan-to-help-out/

so nice of him...

well, i am gonna write about my superbly friendly chiropractor again (i try not to use the term gay-friendly now, compared to the last time cos in the first place, i did not come out to him and it would not be right to say he is gay-friendly).

went for my appointment again today. he was in executive wear and looked bright and cheery in his pink long-sleeved shirt. we chatted as he treated me. and i asked him if there were any reasons why they (he and his other chiropractor) don different outfit on different days of the week. you know, some days executive, some days polo... well, he said "no particular reasons..." and then he asked me which ones i prefer "executive? white polo tees? or black polo tees?" and "why?" well, objectively, what he did was simply doing a check with a customer on his views about their work outfit. i can perhaps see this as part of their customer relations efforts. but then again, it can also be misconstrued as flirting right?

ok, shan't read too much... but another remark caught me totally off-guard. as he gave me his deep tissue massage onto my shoulder, he said, "well, i specially trimmed my nails over the weekend cos i know i will be massaging you today. and i don't want to scratch you with my sharp nails..." aiyoh, so sweet right? for that very moment, i totally didn't know how to respond (but admittedly, i had the picture of his fingers leaving scratch marks on my back mentally! lol!)... it was until late afternoon that i whatsapp him to thank him for his kindess and considerations. he lol-ed and said that it is what he usually does if he needs to give people deep tissue massage... so now, how would you read this remark? flirting? or simply - stating a fact? hahaha...

whatever the case, he is just so sweet!

pajamas

brought mum to changi airport for dinner as usual. and on our way to the car park, i saw this lady with 2 of her daughters. they must have been 8-10 years old. and alamak! they were in pajamas! damned! i have always wondered why people do such things... it is one thing for a gay guy to wear skimpy singlets in public to make a fashion statement, but it is another thing altogether to make your kids wear pajamas  to public places, much less changi international airport! and if the mum is out to convince tourists that it is surprising singapore (which used to be our tourism tagline), well, i can say she succeeded.

surprising singapore indeed!

haiz...

ps: as i write this post, i also learned that there is a variant to the spelling "pajama". and it is spelt as "pyjama"!

still keen?

a headhunter that called me 2 months back smsed me today. "i have an opening for you, you keen?"... such a great coincidence! well, despite the fact that my other headhunter's referral is in the advanced stage of interview, i told this headhunter i am keen... so, the headhunter will be talking to her client and see if she can fix an interview me me.

:-)

missing me...

my staff sms me today and tell me they missed me... so sweet right?

:-)