3 steps to inner peace

some time ago, my meditation master and teacher taught me some simple steps to achieve inner calm and clarity of thoughts. and having tried it for more than a year, i totally agree with her. she taught me many things, but what i remembered most were...

step 1 "know, just know" knowing and just knowing and controlling one's urge to make judgment is about controling one's mind. it is not easy. it is natural for us to make judgments. it is natural to us to assume things. yes, it requires a lot of discipline to not judge people. we do not naturally understand that everyone has his/ her story. and by not understanding or making the attempt to understand their story, our judgment often end up hurting them, unfairly. it is unnecessary. so, the next time you see or read something, take a pause before you make any judgment. do reflect, ask, seek to understand, and after doing all these, you should still decide if you should make any judgment. and if you think you should, be clear of what assumptions you have made before you make that judgment. you might have to revisit some of these assumptions and change your judgment subsequently. and if you think the issue is not worth your judgment, then "know, just know". move on. the world won't change, with or without your judgment. practise enough and you will learn to be less excitable.

and step 2 "don't rush"... rushing is not the same as speed. speed is the displacement of an object over a distance expressed as a function of time. rushing is a state of mind. they are different. one can be fast yet deliberate (think f1), and conversely, one can be slow but rushing (think of yourself late for work and in a traffic jam). you get the idea. so, in life, make the effort to slow down, don't rush. in not rushing, you create the conditions to do things mindfully. you create the capacity to enoy and live the moment. if you need to wake up half an hour earlier so that you can take a stroll to the train station, then do it. a stroll to the train station allows you to walk mindfully. to appreciate the morning birds chirping. to observe the hustle and bustle of life. to feel the coolness of the morning breeze. it calms you down. conversely, by stealing another half hour of sleep, you end up rushing. your mind becomes cluttered. you get prone to mistakes. and you fail to live mindfully. you fail to appreciate the hot coffee prepared for you by your loved ones. you fail to say good bye to your child... in short, you fail to live your life meaningfully. and you end up a wreck. and your mind is in a constant state of hyperactivity/ excitement. and you become unsettled and easily agitated.

and step 3 "meditate"... shan't write too much about step 3. i think it is straight-forward enough. and by practising all 3 together, one can achieve clarity of thoughts, calmness and ultimately inner peace. and through these, conditions are created for wisdom to be cultivated.

sore throat

i have been nursing a very painly throat over the last few days. felt like there is a bad cut on my inner throat.

difficult to swallow...

ouch!

ear hole closed

i tried to put on a ear stud yesterday and found my ear hole closed! it took me a while before i finally inserted the ear stud into place. i decided to sleep with my ear stud last night.

this afternoon, i removed my ear stud and next thing i knew, i see blood serum on my fingers. the ear lobe must have been traumatised by the long duration of the ear studs and the fact that i slept with it... better keep the ear hole pierced with a nylon string for the next couple of days before it closes for good.

sighs...

the shit stirrer

was rather curious when i saw a post by a friend about a blog by a certain famous mr brown. that post captured a picture showing the screenshot of an email sent out by mediacorp's sales department making a sales pitch to get people to quickly book airtime for the primetime news block following the japanese tsunami. time registered on the email was 4.44pm on that fateful day of the tsunami. slightly more than 2hrs after the disaster struck.

when i read the comments (most of which were posted after some time when the wrath of the earthquake and the tsunami became clear...), i was disappointed. disappointed by the fact that there were many people who took on a self-righteous stand and were quick to condemn mediacorp. allegations that sounded rather horrible were flying off like no one business. and there were people who went as far as extrapolating that all singaporeans are like that, or that the gahmen was quick to want to earn such ill-gotten money... (doh! what has the gahmen gotta do with this?!) etc. of cos there were people who stood by mediacorp. these people obviously understood the business and sales well. they understood the challenges of professionals in sales and how difficult it could be at times to make a proper sales pitch without sounding controversial. for me, my thoughts were that the email might have sounded a little insensitive, but on the whole, i thought - what the heck, there was nothing wrong with it... afterall, it was a sales team trying to reach out to their key accounts and trying to get them to buy airtime. frankly, i thought it would be stupid if they had not done it. it was no different from people trying to sell security services after the collapse of world trade center immediately after that fateful day in sep a decade ago. seriously, if the issue was one about mas selamat being captured, i bet you no one would have bat an eyelid! and for sure, the email wouldn't have been published in mr b's blog!

anyway, i reflected on the whole thing. and my own take was that the sales person could have tried a little too hard to sell news airtime and perhaps, being overzealous, could have sounded a little insensitive. the email also mentioned about "urgent" (and many have blasted mediacorp for this too), but looking at the time of the email (1644hrs) and the next closest primetime (1900hrs), i would have inserted the word "urgent" too if i were the one sending out the email! imagine the need to authenticate and confirm a sales, to come out with the adverts, to do the artwork, to liaise with the production team, etc... (and oh, i need to mention this - we cannot expect the sales person to know the details of the news. they are not the journalists or the reporters. and so, i can assume that at 1644hrs, they probably would be making a pitch with only sketchy idea (if any) of the extent of the disaster).

as for the uncalled for hostile comments, i reflected on it and concluded that most, if not all the commentors were singaporeans. singaporeans tend to be quick to condemn and seldom spare a moment to reflect (and i admit i am also like that at times). and looking at the time stamp, most of the comments came in only when the horrors of the magnitude of damage became clear. thus, it would be logical to assume that people's emotions would be rather raw and that they are still coming to terms with the horrors of the disaster. and in such a state, reading a mail (that sounded insensitive) would probably evoke immediate hostile responses. but to me, this was no excuse to condemn other parties. this was not how a civilized society should behave. i also thought the comments reflected on the commentors themselves. for many, it showed how childish they had been and how they have jumped to conclusions without seeing things in perspective. commenting on issues when things are a lot clearer is always easy but i thought they should also reflect on whether the picture at 1644hrs were that clear (much less to the sales team!). also, i thought many of the commentors had been unfair to pass such judgment on mediacorp.

today, mediacorp issued a statement where they unreservedly apologized if the email had sounded insensitive... i was a little disappointed. mediacorp had done no wrong if you asked me. but when i read the email a little closer, it was clear that mediacorp had stood their grounds. and of cos, many of the commentors seemed appeased by the apology... again, it reflected on them...

:-)

ps: i really wondered why mr brown published this email in the first place. by doing so, hasn't he also not tried to capitalize on the tsunami to get people to visit his blog? or perhaps, he was no different from those childish commentors? or perhaps he was simply - a shit stirrer?

"lovebites"

it's been 2 weeks since the fateful paintball game where i was hit on my chin and my neck. and today, what is left on my neck is a huge roundish purplish scar. and interestingly enough, it looks like a huge lovebite!

either it must have been a huge mosquito... or bee bee must have sucked it real hard!

hahaha!

tsunami

my heart goes out to everyone who were affected by the earthquake and tsunami. may they be out of the sufferings soon.

ganbate kudasai!

creative ways to save water

this is really a post of a bored person. and i shall write about "how i saved water today"... and if i may say, quite creatively too... then again, i do it all the time... so... nothing new actually... heh heh... here goes.

first, when i bathe my dog, i would bathe together with her. since i have let the shampoo lather and let it soak for 5 min, i used the 5 minutes to brush my teeth, shampoo my hair and soap my body (i'd wet myself before i shower and shampoo my dog). then i would rinse myself. and since the floor is now totally wet, i would wash the toilet floor. and once i have done all these, i would rinse my dog, saphhie. all in all, it probably took me more than 5min (closer to 10 min) but i reckoned the extended time would allow the shampoo to better clear away any funny things that might be on my dog's skin... heh heh...

i would then dry myself, wrap the towel around me, then dry my dog, wrap the towel around her, carry her out to the living room and let her down. she would then shake herself so violently, it would wet the living room marble floor. i would then dry her up thoroughly with her towel. by the time i am done, her towel would be wet, the floor would have sprinkles of water... and i would use her wet towel to clean the floor... so in effect, i also clean my living room.

there you have it, creative ways to save water. how to bathe oneself, one's dog, wash the toilet and clean one's living room... all at one goal...

crazy, but it works!

hahaha...

:-)

ps: and oh, it gives me a good workout and it saves me lots of time too...

rain

after almost 2 months, i decided i should wash my car... afterall, i had a dinner and dance tonite and the weather has been scorching hot...

less than 6 hours later... it rained...

damned!

hahaha!

china-supergirl

i was on the way home this afternoon when i saw a girl walking with a guy at a traffic junction... i frooze for a moment...

she was in full bodied black leotards, black superman t-shirt (that has this "s" diamond sign) and short chilli red shorts - not a sports shorts, rather, it was what we would typically referred to as bloomers. heh heh heh... and she was sashaying in the hot afternoon sun...

i thought it was so wrong at so many levels! (and i was quite certain she was from China)...

heh heh...

popping eyes

nowadays... or rather, quite often these days, my eyes would feel so tired by the end of the day that it felt like they would drop out of my eye sockets anytime! argh...

need to take out my contact lens le...

:-)

opportunity

ok, here's me again trying to get myself to see the brighter side of things. i supposed now that my new hires have both quitted, it would allow me to open up my choice of new possible candidates... and perhaps find even better people...

:-)

of cos, not to mention, i can now relook at and perhaps better optimize my manpower budget... heh heh...

exhausted

today, my new hire who had just reported 2 weeks ago came to me and tendered his resignation. the main reason cited was that there was a bad culture fit. i took it like i would take any resignation (not that i have had any so far)... i thought there was really no point holding back anyone who's heart was not there and negotiating further would not help. no point. heart issues are better dealt with early. i laughed about it. the person felt bad. but hey, it is a commercial organization. no point getting flustered or respond negatively. move on. move on. but frankly, after the talk, i started to feel a strong wave of tiredness. felt very exhausted mentally. very very exhausted.

guessed this was also due to a built up since last week where another hire (who was supposed to report next month) called it quits despite having signed the acceptance letter. and for these 2 positions, i had spent so much efforts looking for them. it all come to nought. and i now have to start the process all over again. and to make it worse, my finance side called up to tell me i need to cut headcount cos the budget next year cannot support. despite all these, i see huge loads of stuffs being piled onto me next year...

if this goes on, i will also resign from my job...

but for now, i shall hold on... push on push on...

taking care of old people

handing-taking over. the next generation takes over from the previous generation. it's amazing how much common all of us have, without us realizing it. our journeys of overseeing, managing our parent's golden years and eventually sending them off on their eternal journey.

over the past few years, i have gotten used to the routine of going in and out of the hospital. and these were largely a result of having to take care of my aging parents. every month or so, and sometimes within weeks, i will find myself rushing to the hospital a&e department. and every so often, i would also get smses and/ or phone calls from my brother about my mum being ill, etc... and more often than not, i will be going through the routine of visiting the hospitals after office hours, dinner at the hospital canteen, etc. and of late, i am also seeing my friends going through the same "routine".

i supposed many of my friends and i are at the age where we manage our parent's golden years, and the eventual sending them off. and regardless of race, i can see all of us doing the same things, giving and directing the same amount of energies (or whatever we have) to our parents, see and appreciate the frustrations and stress each of us felt as we go through the process... and of course, feel and appreciate the warmth we get from our friends through the well-wishes posted in social media like facebook etc. it is certainly amazing how much common experiences and responses all of us go through and have. i supposed we are all the same regardless of race, language or religion.

and interestingly enough for me (and i could also see for some of my friends), managing our parent/s passing and post-life activities deepened our awareness of our own mortality. in a way, the whole process itself was very empowering. for me personally, on one hand, i felt a sense of lost and that i no longer have someone to fall back emotionally, on the other hand, it made me aware and gave me the energy and motivation of step up and take the lead with regards my family affairs. reflecting, i supposed this was what my parents went through when their parents left them. and they took charge, till it was their time to go. and it is my turn to sent them off...

but for me, i just wonder... as a gay person, when it comes my time to go, who will sent me off?

back home

mum was discharged today.

:-)

stooooopid me...

have had so much problem trying to connect my office laptop to my wireless at home. i had tried many times when i had my old laptop but failed. and again, when i tried doing it with my new laptop, i failed. and after so many times of trying, i gave up. i decided not to do it. i decided i should just rely on my blackberry to work. not the best idea but hey, i could still get my job done! eventually, i forgot about this issue altogether.

today my hr asked me to help do some stuff that would require me to login to my office email from home. it got me thinking again of my screwed up issue about not being able to establish the wireless with my home modem. and so, i called my i.t. support to help but they referred me to my service provider instead.

i came home. settled down and decided to call my service provider. a sweet sounding lady answered the phone. the lady was super nice and patient with me. and she asked me to click this, click that, double click here, right click there... we tried many ways and they were all unsuccessful. and finally, she asked me to hook it up via the connection cable. and she guided me to key in the url that would allow her to view my screen (screen sharing). and i did. and she tried clicking a lot of things and all did not work. i was so sure there was something very wrong.

finally she asked me to check if i had switched the wireless connection on my laptop to "on"...

.................................

i felt so freaking embarrassed!

this should never have happened to me - someone who used to head an i.t. support branch!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

:-)

dearly departed

how would you like to be remembered when you die? what would your eulogy sound like? what would you like to be inscribed on your tombstone? some interesting questions that are worth some thoughts for it would help you focus your energy towards living your current days in as meaningful a way as possible. something similar to working with an end in mind... only that this end is about the end of your life...

so, for me... i would like to be remembered as someone who is helpful, kind, compassionate and loving. someone who is a good buddhist... then again, hmmm... i think i need to think a little deeper into it...

how about you? what would you like people to remember you by?

:-)

ps: bee bee is laughing that i am writing this so that people can say what i want people to say... even if i am not what i am saying i am... do i make sense? hahahaha...

class started

started my buddhist class again today. did not attend the class last week... so i thought i better attend this week. simple and straight forward module on the life of buddha. then again, it is always good to listen to stories. and of cos, go to the temple. place where my mind can relax.

:-)

back to reality

it's back to work and there were lotsa things to catch up. certainly the inputs given over the past 2 days provided me with a lot more energy and ideas as to what i could do to improve on things and what to focus on in the coming workyear...

very busy, but happy.

:-)

asthma & chest infection

mum has been hospitalized again this evening. this time round - asthma and chest infection. i supposed i saw it coming. was with her yesterday and she could hardly breath properly. and her voice was weak...

well, let's hope she recovers well.

excellent 2 days

i had the most excellent 2 days of bonding with my colleagues.

it was really intense. after all my preparation, work and build up of activities, the discussions and presentations went on superbly well. the feedback was fast and furious. and by the time we ended the formal topics, i was almost half dead. mentally drained. and with that out of the way, we went for our team building activities.

all in all, i thought we all walked out of the activities very much more engaged, aligned and raring to go. felt good about it. and i think the whole team came out feeling closer. but the real work starts now. lots of follow up for the next few weeks.

:-)

ps: and i got shot real badly during the paint ball game. had 2 huge bruise at my neck and jaw and they looked really horrible, bruised, bloodied and swollen now. let's hope i don't get permanently disfigured by the scars...

correcting the wrong

i am trying to correct a lot of wrongs at my workplace, both at my unit-level and at the company-level. and it is so so so tiring.

at my unit-level, my predecessor always complained to me that the guys "are deadwood and cannot be improved". put simply, you cannot teach old dogs new tricks. and that the guys are all old dogs. when i asked him about why the unit did not do certain business, he consistently said, "aiyah... this one, don't do, no money to earn. that one, tsk tsk tsk... don't do also, only small money. must go for big money..." even if it meant going into areas that was not related to what our unit has been doing. well, i agree. and i do not agree. shall not elaborate further here.

so when he left, i inherited a unit that is weak, has no focus and a lot of morale issues. i understand my guys. how can the morale be high when they get reminded that they are worthless every month right? everyone is working very hard. but there is no clear vision, no clarity of directions except to earn money. i mean, how can there be a vision what he kept chasing money without giving two hoots about the unit's expertise right? and there was a lot of cynicism and fear in committing errors. every slight mistake is not tolerated. i could see that he thrived on the idea of divide and rule. divide the unit, create a lot of tensions and play up people's fears, and rule them based on fear. and then dangle rewards once a while and convince people that he really care for them... hmmmm, in short, they were treated like dogs! sorry to have to use such harsh words but it seemed that way. there was also no focus on professional development as far as i could see... well, that explains the deadwood. thinking back, i supposed the unit has hit the state of negative reinforcing cycle.

so for now after taking over, i am trying to get my people to articulate a vision. donno how people can survive so long without a clarity of their vision. i am also trying to get my people to know their mission. i am trying to get people to know their purpose in life at work. it is a refreshing start for all. and being new to this kinda approach, there is a lot of cynicism and uneasiness. but well, the only saving motivation for me at this point is that they seemed rather happy about this development and me. so...

at the company-level, trying to put fundamentals at the right place so that the company can be strong at the base. been like that for too long. exterior, looks very good. but internally, a lot of unstable systems. so, what i am trying to do is to try to put things right. and i can see a lot of resistance. people are going for the quick buck to get the revenue without a giving any damn about systems. or rather, at the expense of organisational systems. there is absolutely no system-discipline. to me, this is no go. how can a company go far if everyone don't have discipline? well, if i succeed in getting systems correct, it will bring the company ahead further. to me, i consider what i am doing (getting the fundamentals right) as a strategic objective.

having said all these, i am not sure whether what i am doing will work, both at the unit-level as well as at the company-level. whether my team will move with me and whether i can sustain the buy-in from management. i know that what i am doing is correct although it will mean it will drain me of my energy, and does not nec contribute to my unit's p&l. also, what i am doing might possibly cause me to die a horrible death if i cannot sustain the efforts...

am i being idealistic or am i just simply stupid?

i donno. really, i donno. but all i know is that i know what i am doing is right. and if it is right, i must be ok. let's just hope management thinks it is right too... well... at most, i move on. right? right.

so, for now, wish me luck. a lot of luck.

:-)

mars & venus

men are really from mars and women are really from venus! arghhhh... one woman at work is really driving me nuts! nice to her, she tries to flirt, gets personal, and donno how to draw line between personal view and work view. try to be more official, she also take it personal and reads between the lines and create a lot of unnecessary assumptions and tensions... sighs.

well, so i did what i thought was best.

i ignored her.

heh heh heh...

:-)

blame it on the...

i looked at the many postings of people in facebook and came to some pretty interesting conclusions... conclusions that are not new to me actually. only that the facebook experience reminded me of the lessons all over again...

we all have the tendency to blame it on the devil out there!

we tend to blame all sorts of things on things external to us. eg we blame this or that persons for making us unhappy, for making us fail, we blame the alcohol we drink for getting us dead drunk, we blame the lecturers for making the questions difficult when we fail our tests, we even blame the food we eat when we get fat, etc etc etc...

but thinking deeper, for everything that was articulated, were the things we blamed the source of the our negative experiences, our unhappiness, our dissatisfactions, etc? or... were we really the source of the problem? if we get fat, was it the food, or was it the fact that we chose to eat the food? if we got unhappy, wasn't it the fact that we allowed ourselves to become unhappy in the first place? did we not have a choice? etc etc etc...

so... yup, for everything we do, we tend to see the source of our problems as out there. shouldn't we, for a start, accept that the devil is actually in us. if we can acknowledge that, it will lead us to start taking the right path to look inwards and to kill our own internal devil. that would be the best way to attain eternal happiness. and much as the devil is in us, all things good and happy are in us too. if we can choose to be pure and compassionate, to be wise and to be contented, we can get out of our negative cycle of unhappiness and attain eternal happiness.

no?

my funeral (updated)

i think i better give an update as to how i want my funeral to be done. i realized i have not updated it since my last post on the same subject. and no, i am not pantang (superstitious) and do not think it is taboo to talk about such subjects, even if it involves me. it is the responsible thing to do. well, here goes... well, here goes...

yes, it will be a buddhist funeral. a simple coffin, cremation followed by sea burial, no frills. coffin for hygiene reasons, cremation and sea burial so that there will not be any future physical remnants of me to remind people about. i'd rather be remembered for my contributions to people's lives, good or bad. and if it was bad, i do seek forgiveness and give assurances that there was never any ill-intentions.

as for everything else, it is secondary. afterall, as a buddhist who does not place too much attachments to things around me, i believe i will die contented (see me remarks below too). i come with nothing and go with nothing.

then again, i shall write these here so that there would be no ambiguity as to how things should be done. i cannot assume people around me has the same ideas of doing things and that if i do not make it explicit, i risk having my loved ones disagreeing on things. nope. this should not happen. not over my dead body (no pun intended here!) heh heh... ok, back to my point. post-death rituals are done to provide the living with a closure, not for the dead. afterall, when i am dead, what more do i need? my body was nothing but a shell where my consciousness once resided. yup. so as a practising buddhist and that everyone around me know i was a buddhist when i was alive, my wake and funeral would be along the same practises as what everyone would expect a buddhist funeral to be like. vegetarian offerings, nightly prayers, donning my buddhist robes that i wore when i took my refuge, simple 3 or 5-day wake (whichever is more convenient). there should be no taoist paraphernalia, this means no joss papers, no paper dolls, no paper houses, no white candles, not green joss sticks etc.

simple, sweet and straight forward.

:-)

ps: previously, i wanted the song "tender" by blur to be played during my wake. it was a song that i held dear as it connected me to a significant period in my past. but i do not think it is necessary to be played during my wake/ funeral now, not that it is any less important, it is just that i am convinced i need not be held hostage to my past by it. so, no need to be attached to such songs anymore. afterall, how can i go peacefully if i continue to be attached to songs of my past...

time flies

time really flies when you are busy. every week, it seemed like i have not enough time to do my work. and more often than not, when meetings come around and when i have to report follow-up actions, i would be going "oh shit! i have not done this... i have not done that..." it can be rather stressful!

anyway, this week zipped by faster than i thought. but i am rather happy this week. the replacement for my previous position reported and the new chap has run in rather well. so, it was a great mental break for me. also, i have started the process of engaging my people in visioning and objective setting for the next year... it should end with a unit-level workshop this coming week overseas! in a way, i am looking forward to it as it would be the first time i would be able to connect with my whole unit without any disturbances and distractions from daily work.

so... yes, for the first time after so long, i managed to sleep very well last night.

:-)

lunch with tim

sometime back, i was introduced to this char siew, roast-meat, roast-duck shop near lorong tai seng. and i thought the food was really good. yumz... i told myself i'd visit the place again sometime.

and yesterday, i had the opportunity to visit it again. i had lunch with tim. and since tim worked nearby, i thought it would be a good idea to eat there. it was a simple lunch but very nice lunch. the food was of course as good as i first tasted it. but, and more importantly, the company was good. it was rather surprising that we both got along rather well although it was only the second time we met. well... i supposed the fact that both of us are introverts and relate better in a small group/ one-to-one helped a lot.

:-)

boy @ pool

this very interesting incident that happened at the pool recently.

i had gone to the pool for a tan. tanning near me was a guy who was in a world of his own and listening to his iphone. at some point, i felt the sun was too scorching and decided to take shelter at the tent. the guy must have felt similar for he did the same and we ended up sitting in the shelter, each of us minding our own business. me, clearing my emails on my blackberry while he, reading his story book and listening to his music. and he placed his iphone on the table.

in the wading pool (that we were facing), there were tens (perhaps 50-60) of kids playing. suddenly, one little boy of about 5-6 years of age rushed to our tentage and headed straight for the iphone. he extended his dripping wet hands to grab the iphone. the guy quickly snatched it away from the table. the boy was obviously displeased with the fact that his object of desire was denied of him and started demanding to know why he couldn't have the phone. but before he owner could answer, the boy asked - got angry bird game or not? got angry bird game or not? the guy said yes. with this confirmation, the boy tried to grab the phone again and said he wanted to play. by this time, the guy was really pissed off and told the boy rather firmly - your hands are wet, you cannot have the phone! and just as suddenly as the boy appeared, he left the scene.

it all happened too fast. now... what made me rather shocked by this whole incident was the boy's lack of value inculcation. the fact that the boy could speak rather good english probably showed that he came from a sufficiently well-to-do family. but it was shocking to see him try to grab something that was not his and demanded for it like as thought he has the right to it. was he not even taught to not take things that do not belong to him? was he not at least taught to at least ask politely if he wants to borrow things?... hmmmm... the whole incident made me feel a little sick. i cannot imagine what the boy would turn out to be in future...

sighs...

home

mum got discharged today.

:-)

64175

well, those are the numbers associated with my mum's hospitalisation details.

:-)

stomach pains

mum is currently awaiting admission following her routine check-up at sgh. apparently, she has complained of pains in her stomach and the doctor, upon examining her, decided that she should be admitted. hmmm... awaiting details now. will pay her a visit this evening once the ward and room numbers are confirmed.

mike charlie

been a while since i last took mc. and today, i woke up feeling rather sick. and i decided to take the mc. well... actually, i could have gone to work if i wanted to. but decided against it. the following are some things that crossed my mind this morning....

• it would be irresponsible of me if i were to infect others at work
• work will not end even if i were to go to work today
• even if i were to die, work will still carry on...
• what more if i were to take one day mc off work
• there is no stuff that cannot be addressed via my blackberry
• need to know when to work and when to rest
• if i am sick, i better rest

heh heh... so... i decided to take a day's mc to rest at home. went to the doctor again and let him do a check on me. yup. he said, i needed the rest. and so... yup, here i am resting at home...

:-)

mid-life crisis?

lately, i have been feeling very unsettled. cannot really pinpoint where the issues are or what the issues are. but all i know is that work is stressful, people are not co-operative, everyone is selfish, and there is no motivation for me to work. i also felt i am being underpaid. the idea of changing job did cross my mind although rationally i told myself i need to hold on for 2 years at least to build up my credibility and my resume. and thinking about this, i began to also get calculative and start to feel irritated about money issues. sighs... personal-front, there is the issue of being bored and feeling alone. and the fact that bee is frequently working late and involved in his office's many off-office hours gatherings does not help.

as of now, the mind is disturbed and agitated and the heart is restless. is this what some people described as mid-life crisis?

i think i need to do something about it.

a visit to the doctor

i visited the doctor this morning after breakfast. and it was a long wait for my turn. during the wait, i had the chance to read through all the different brochures on display. there were brochures related to erectile dysfunction, testosterone injections, sugar control for diabetic patients, etc etc etc... i went through them all. one by one. i had a lot of time after all.

when i looked through the one on testosterone injections, i almost fell off my chair. everything that was described as symptoms of testosterone deficiency, i have. hahahahaha... feeling uninterested in things, checked. feeling tired all the time, checked. difficulty falling asleep at nights, checked. waking up early, feeling tired through the day, checked. grumpy and grouchy and gets irritated easily over small things, checked. general body aches, checked. feeling lazy and not wanting to exercise, checked. lessening frequency and intensity of morning erections, errr... have not really paid much attention down there in the morning, but well, perhaps not so intense... ok, ok, checked. hahaha... and the list went on.

i passed the list to bee to take a look and damned it! he started reading it out loud and started laughing. i had to quickly tell him not to read it out. and even then, he went hmmmm, nod head, hmmmm, nod head and giggled along the way. sighs... but well, whether it is real or not, it doesn't matter to me. after all, at 45yrs old, i cannot expect myself to be on the same health-level as a young 20-plus year old stud. as long as i am still functioning well, have my basic needs met, i am happy...

:-)

ps: and oh, i visited the doctor as i felt a little warm and woke up with a terrible pain at my throat. it was not the normal sore throat kinda feeling. for the whole night, it felt like someone was strangling me and the strangling was firm and taut. thinking back, last night, i couldn't even yawn cos the pain in the throat (through the whole neck, ok, deep inside the throat) was very uncomfortable. and on top of that, i kept sneezing non-stop, have highly irritable throat that made me cough violently non-stop and my whole body ached like crazy! one word - flu. sighs...

me the nurturer

my mbti score indicates my personality as the "nurturer"... a person who takes nurturing people like fish takes to water... and i think so too. i enjoy coaching and developing people. i have been so my whole life. the satisfaction of knowing people learn and become successful and that i had contributed to their success journey is very good. i supposed there is a lot of commonality between this mbti personality and my personal belief of being non-confrontational, compassionate, and helping as many people as i can. and that, i believe are some of the reasons why mahayana buddhism attracts me so much. the notion of live-and-let-live, of acceptance and of being compassionate... all these are so me.

but frankly, the flip side to all these helping and nurturing people can be difficult when it comes to the workplace. it is easier said than done, apart from being met with a lot of scepticism and suspicion, people can also perceive such a character to be very uncompetitive... sighs... very tiring...

am i being uncompetitive? hmmm....

perhaps, perhaps not... thinking deeper, i think it is not my personality that makes me less competitive at work. rather, i am not very business savvy. i am competitive in other ways (that may not be related to business). also, i think i have other weaknesses and these include my own lack of confidence and my desire for affirmations by bosses. how can i be more firm and stand up to make my stand when i feel strongly about an issue... and i believe i also have, at times, make use of my nurturing self as an excuse to hide my lack of confidence. there are lots of things to learn and to improve myself...

press on! press on!

:-)

tgif

i have never felt so relief that it is friday for so long... this week was one helluva week for me. highly stressful and full of appointments, meetings, datelines, etc. and to make things worst, my right hand man was gone for his in-camp training and i am left to do lots of stuff...

yes! it is weekend! hurray!

:-)

first presentation

i made my first presentation to my top management today. and well, apart from a little stuttering and getting myself tongue tight for a question or two, i thought everything went rather well...

pat on my back!

:-)

spring cleaning

did not write about this earlier. but thought well.. what the heck, might as well put into writing. there was a significant item that i threw away in this year's springing - my sony ericsson handphone.

i had bought it when i first got to know bee. and that was when i was still with james. it was a huge thick phone and i stopped using it sometime in late 2005/ early 2006 when the no-camera phone policy was implemented. i had kept it with the hope of using it sometime. but eventually i lost the charger. and i had since kept it in the original box in my cabinet.

i had not disposed off the phone despite the fact that the battery had flattened out. apart from hoping to be able to use it again, it reminded me so much of the very difficult period between relationships. and in it, i had saved all the messages i sent to james - about our tensions, about our break-ups, etc etc etc... and during the initial months following our break-up, i would read the messages and then my tears would start to flow.

well... i finally threw it away.

in a huge way, i was spring cleaning my life. time to put another piece of my past to rest.

death

yesterday and today was weird. last evening, i got an sms from my staff telling me that my previous boss's bro had passed on. well, my first reaction was - so? death is but part of life right? and further more, it was someone's bro and it would be weird for me to go for the wake right? and so, i did not respond.

i went to work today and the email floated around informing all of this news. weird i thought. since when a bro's passing on has become an issue? i paid not heed to it other than hope the passing was a painless one. later the after, i got another call from another staff. she told me another one of my ex-boss's mum has also passed on. hmmmm... weird wasn't it? another one in the spate of 2 days... i felt a little saddened that someone i know has to go through the process of losing someone dear.

the day passed by and by evening, i went to the car and checked my phone. i had 3 unread smses. one was from an ex-student wishing my happy lunar new year. and the other 2 came from an ex-colleague and a friend. both smses were similar. both told me that they have learned of another person's parent passing on...

wah... this was ultimate. i total of 4 news related to deaths in a day. ouch! how much more coincidental could it be? arghhh... i sat back. and i reflected. well, their time is up. let's hope their passing was a painless one. and may they rest peacefully.

she talks again

after a couple of days, my mum started talking to me again. last evening, i gave her a call and she answered. it was a 10 sec conversation that went something like - have you eaten?... yes i have... ok, bye... but i thought it was a good start. it felt a little awkward and i thought she reacted a little weird too. today, i called again and at least the conversation lasted a little longer.

well... either she has forgotten what happened, or she has moved on.

:-)

sore throat

i have eaten so much these days i think i'm gonna fall sick. throat feeling a little sore, a little runny nose, body aches... of cos, i think food is not the cause of it all. but i am sure the heavy food intake certainly did contribute to me falling sick.

and all these symptoms don't seemed to be too good.

hmmm...

tim

bee and i had a very pleasant lunch today with tim and sam today.

frankly, being a rather reserved person, i was a little apprehensive about meeting tim. a little shy too i must say. but something told me that it would be perfectly fine cos sam and bee would be there. and both of them, being the "e"-type (extraverted), i was sure they would be able to make the lunch an interactive one. and i was right! in the end, the lunch went through smoothly and it turned out better than i thought.

glad to have finally met tim. he, like me, is a quiet and very reserve person (more so than me actually). and i think i can get along very well with him.

:-)

back to reality

and so, the 4 days of break is over. tomorrow, we will all start work. it's back to reality... these 4 days have been rather busy for me. and despite the fact that i wanted not to celebrate lunar new year, i still had to fulfil my obligations to visit my mum, temples, larry's and my aunt's place. not many visits, in fact one of the fewest visits in my whole life. yet, i felt rather tired by the whole 4-days of eating. interestingly enough, during these 4 days, apart of today, i woke up at 6-ish every morning. and i was able to do my morning walk or swim. at least this made me feel a little less guilty about all the food.

as for today, i woke up at 8.30. something that i had not done for a long time. but well, wasn't complaining. i was really tired from all the eating. in fact, it felt so uncomfortable sleeping with a full stomach and i didn't get to sleep well at all. and it was near daybreak before i actually fell into a deep sleep. it's weird, but in a way, i am looking forward to starting work again tomorrow.

:-)

lousy lny

it was indeed my worst lny since many years ago. woke up this morning, went for a swim and was about to take a bathe when i noted i had a missed call from my mum. i called back and next thing i knew, she screamed at me and asked why i had not gone there (to my bro's place). was rather upset by the tone and told her off. she had told me last evening to be there for lunch at about noon and after that we would head to the columbarium to pay respects to my dad. and it was only 10-plus and she was already chiding me for not being there. then she gave some cock and bull story that she wanted to go to the temple. i was really pissed off by then as she had never ever told me about wanting to go to the temple. i rushed through my bathe and went straight to my brother's place.

and when i arrived at 11-plus, she behaved like a spoilt kid. she didn't want to talk to me, refused to take lunch, refused to take her medication... and when all of us took our lunch, she went to her room and refused to come out. and after lunch, she said she didn't want to pay respects to my dad. i went to her room and apologize to her but told her that she was being unreasonable in chiding me in the morning for being late when it was not even made known to me that she wanted me to be there that early. and then, she rebutted and said that 10-plus was already considered very late... well, it was clear to me she was simply throwing tantrums and after that she continued refusing to talk to me. and when my brother asked her again if she wanted to go pay respects to my dad, she refused to. and so, my bro's family and i went ahead for the prayers. but even before we drove off, the maid called and told my brother my mum was insisting on heading out of the house and that she said she wanted to go to the temple (another temple and not to one she told me she had wanted to go to). my brother was rather pissed off by her behaviour by then but asked her to wait for him to return.

i came home after all the hoohah and ended up feeling moody the whole day. by evening, as per my routine, i called my mum. and as expected, she refused to answer my call. sighs. so be it. not a very pleasant thing to happen for the first day of the lunar new year. it certainly screwed up the whole mood.

no proactive sending of wishes

every festival, i would sent out personalized smses to all my friends. i would type their names, one by one and the wishes before i send out the smses. this process would take me more than an hour at times. some people told me i was too free but i thought it was something nice to do. but this lunar new year, i decided i shall not do so. instead, shall only do so for my family members, relatives and a selected few lifelong friends. as for others, i shall only reply whoever sends me the well-wishes.

heh heh, it's just the little devil in me that is working up (there are the curious insecure me and the stingy practical me). you see, i have always been curious whether people remember me or in a thick skin way - how popular am i amongst my friends - and whether i am worth their little effort to take up the phone to sent me their well wishes... also, by not sending any smses, i would actually save on my sms costs... and so, i get a 2-in-1 findings...

heh heh...

then again, i reckoned the findings would be totally unimportant to me. if people do send me their well-wishes, i would simply thank them for it. but for those who do not, it does not necessarily mean they are any less "friend". there could be thousand and one reasons why they did not. for that matter, some of them may be like me - waiting for people to sent so they can reply, or they may simply be too lazy to do so... and whatever way it is, it has nothing to do with me... and it is probably illogical for me to gauge the level of friendship simply by an sms.

have a good lunar new year break and a healthy and happy year ahead everyone!

bak kwa sapphie

i woke up this morning and found sapphie's food bowl half-filled. usually she would have complete her food through the night. i thought it was rather weird she left half a bowl behind. and when i saw the empty bak kwa container on the floor... i found my answer...

now i am worried. how will her skin react? she is supposed to be on strict no meat diet. in fact, she hasn't taken any meat for the last year plus! and to think that suddenly she down almost half a kg of bak kwa... hmmm, cannot imagine. the high sodium content found in bak kwa will surely wreck havoc and make her fur drop! sighs. just have to wait and see...

hope she remains ok...

traditions

there are some things that i still do these days as part of tradition. these include tying 8 shoots of garlic ("sng" in hokkien) and placing them in my living room over the chinese new year period, placing oranges by these garlic shoots, buying rice cake (nian gao) for lunar new year as well as doing spring cleaning.

firstly, garlic shoot in hokkien is pronounced as "sng" and it sounded like "counting", meaning i will be blessed with money to count through the year. when i was young, my mum would purchase garlic shoots and place them in her marketing basket every year. she explained that this symbolizes having money in the basket, and that means the family would be blessed with abundance of food through the year! she would also cook them for reunion dinner as a standard "must have" dish. it's a very hokkien thing as far as i know. as for the rice cake (nian gao), my mum would offer them to the gods a week before lunar new year before sending them back to heavens. apparently, there was a story that goes something like - offer sweet rice cake so that the gods will report sweet and good things about the family. and another story that suggests that because the rice cake is so sticky, the gods cannot say anything bad about the family as their mouth will all be all stuck... heh heh... whatever it is, nowadays, i purchase the rice cake as i thought it is a very chinese thing to do and that after chinese new year, i can fry it for tea/ dessert (yes, i love rice cake!). and as for spring cleaning, it is simply the right thing to do. a perfect excuse for me to do my annual major cleaning of the house. it is not just a tradition thing, it is also a hygienic act.

bee asked if by doing them, i am being superstitious and not buddhistic. i thought about it and decided that no, i choose to think i am just observing some traditions as these practises connect me to the very sense of being chinese (or at least, my being a part of my family)...

:-)

excitement no more?

this year's lunar new year is such a non-event for me. is this a case of me getting older? is it a case of age robbing me of the excitement of lunar new years? hmmm... then again, when i thought about it, it is not only for lunar new year, i simply do not get excited about any festivals anymore. in fact, i treat all festivals as time to rest. and to recuperate.

and on occasions where i actually do something about the festival, it would be to "go along" with the mood and celebrations of people around me. it was my sense of duty that made me do it. just like when i last celebrated hari raya puasa, it was a case of me doing it becos i wanted to do the right thing - ie, to make sure i wish my muslim staff well on their festival. and it was the same for deepavali, and it was also the same for christmas.

hmmm... or perhaps, it is becos of my non-attachment to these events anymore? hmmm...

whatever the case, festivals nowadays are not about me. it is about celebrating the people around me. i will still give out oranges to my staff and ang pows to the cleaner lady tomorrow. i need to continue to show my appreciation to them. doing such acts is not about me. it is about rembering people. it is about appreciating people. it is about thanking them for all the support and the hard work they have done. and i will still attend reunion dinners with my mum and brother's family. and come lunar new year itself, i will still head to my brother's place to wish my mum long life.

:-)

do you know?

do you know that in vietnam, they do not celebrate the year of the rabbit? instead, they celebrate the "year of the cat"!

meow!

my fav things - no!

i thought the whole idea using julie andrews' "these are a few of my favorite things" song for the cold storage advertisement is such a wrong thing to do! how could they use such a beautiful song for an advert!

hmmph!

impressed

i was so impressed with the customer service at asus! took leave today and decided to sent my laptop for repair. i have had my laptop for a year plus and was sure my warranty had expired.

so, i went there with full intention to ask how much the repairs would be and for my keypad to be changed. when i arrived there, the guy took my laptop, took a look at the serial number and then told me my laptop is still within the warranty period and that he will change my keyboard totally free-of-charge. no questions asked. and he told me further that if i face any further problems from now till sep 11, i can still get back to them.

:-)

and so, i now have my laptop in full functions again! and of cos, i am blogging again!

hurray!