buddhism & homosexuality

i was up early today as i couldn't sleep. did all sorts of things like cleaning my fish tank, mopping the floor, feeding my dog, surfing the net etc... and i came across this blog - on dhamma musings by bhante shravasti dhammika. in this particular blog, he mused about buddhism and homosexuality. he wrote about his thoughts on the subject and shared his experience about a young lad's search for answers on this subject. he spoke of his pains when he found out about this lad's eventual sucide after possibly listening to a particular venerable who had so carelessly given an quick and irresponsible answer to him.

i felt so strongly that i should link it here as a way to share with people who read my blog. the bhante's writings touched me. it gave me a deep sense of peace and assurance that my views and understanding of buddhism and homosexuality has been in line with what the bhante had written. it cleared my doubts. and after reading the blog, i couldn't find any words of phrases that could appropriate capture my gratitude to the bhante other than "thank you".

i hope you feel the same too.

sleepy mum

mum, very sleepy, keeps dozing off when i spoke with her these 2days... i am sure it was due to the morphine tabs. and her consistent dozing off reminded me of some chao recruit or some chao cadet during lessons... heh heh...

lol!

birthday of the celestial emperor

huat ah!

well, it was literally huat ah! cos the family joss stick urn burst into flames! this was considered to be a very very good and auspicious thing for the family for the coming year - where everything will be very smooth. and the fact that it happened during the celebrations of the birthday of the jade emperor (玉皇) made this even more signficant! this occurance made my brother a very happy person! for me, i guessed it was not a matter of whether i believe in it or not, but the fact that my brother was very happy about it was enough to make me happy. for me personally, i tend to follow buddhist rites more than taoists rites these days. nonetheless, i do still observe taoist practises as a form of respect and that it also gives peace of mind to my mum.

anyway, the celebration of the jade emperor's birthday has been a significant thing for my family for as long as i could remember. this celebration has been one of the greatest annual highlights of my family. and to commemorate this joyous occasion, the preparations would start several days before the day itself and prepare the altar on the evening of the eighth day (the eve) with an assortment of offerings. of cos, amongst all these offerings would be the all important pair of sugar canes decorated with yellow strips of paper (tng ji - literal translation - 'long monies') (see my last para below on the story behind why sugar canes are used). the prayers would start in the evening where the head of the family would burn 3 huge joss sticks to the jade emperor. and becos my dad used to work at nite, my mum would get me to represent him. never would i imagine my mum to kneel behind me as i hold the 3 huge joss sticks. to a small boy, this was a huge responsibility! and it made me feel like an adult. anyway, once the joss sticks were burned, we would wait till the clock strikes 12am (actually it should be 11pm) before we chop off the sugar cane leaves and burn it together with the joss papers. once done, we would then make offerings to the house gods before we end the celebrations. in recent years when my mum stayed with me, my mum would simply go to the temple to offer her prayers. after moving back to my brother's place (where the family altar is) following my dad's demise, my brother decided to do the prayers again. and to help him, i went to his place to do the nec paper folding, arrangements, etc.

ok, back to the reasons why we use sugar canes - according to legends, during the ming dynasty, the hokkiens in fujian province were wrongly persecuted by other ethnic chinese as a foreign enemy in a regional war. they ran and hid in the sugar cane plantations as their villages were destroyed. in the sugar cane plantations, they prayed to the jade emperor for their survivor and that they would be safe. after some time, the persecutors gave up their hunt for them and left. this day coincided with the birthday of the jade emperor and as a gesture of thanks, the tradition of using sugar canes to celebrate the event became a part of the hokkien community's culture. the celebration of the jade emperor's birthday remain one of the biggest and most significant event amongst hokkiens, particularly those in malaysia and singapore, till today.

:-)

mlm

got a call from one of my ex-colleague about sharing a business plan wth me yesterday. initially i thought he wanted me to invest in his start-up and so i agreed to attend. then i got an sms from him telling me that it is a presentation and will last about 1.5hrs. i tried to ask further but got no further inputs. i felt uneasy. thought about it and concluded that it would be an mlm presentation. that has been a common tactic used by mlm members to get people to attend home presentations - do not tell anything. get the people to the house first.

and i was right. when i reached his home, there were altogether 5 persons, including my ex-colleague) waiting for me. and in no time, another person (who also was my ex-colleague) turned up for the presentation. and the briefing started with a video about how one could earn tons of passive income. this was followed by a business plan presentation. interestingly, the brief did not mention what this company was and kept talking about profits la la la until much later. and in the later parts of the brief, 3 other persons came up to talk. these, i realized, were the leaders of the 2 presenters. and they kept on with the pace of trying to get us to sign up as members. and to end the presentation, another vcd was shown. this time, it was about their seminar in malaysia. watching the vcd, i felt uneasy. they are all so fired up. people waving their hands, people looking like as though they were in a trance, etc. and at some point, i thought i was watching a cult.

once the presentation ended, the team of 5 splitted up and focused on talking to us separately. the other guy who attended the talk signed up and left not too long. that was when all 5 came onto me and tried to get me to sign up. i never like to be made to feel cornered. but that was how i felt when i was there. as i was clear about not wanting to get into mlm, i kept my composure and nicely told them that what they presented was all good and nice but that my life's path is not aligned to what they presented. their tactics was clear. the young presenters tried hard and kept eye contact with their team leads. but eventually, they knew they could get me to join and the two team leads came in. i resisted (nicely). and eventually, i decided i should leave. even then, they did not want to let me go and handed me a series of cds to listened. and as expected, it was further hard selling...

sighs...

ps: after listening to the cds they passed to me, i was even more convinced i should not get myself involved in mlm.

chin-no-gay

chingay parade has totally lost it... for me. and i do believe many many spectators think so too! and i am saying so as i looked at the many spectators that were looking with their mouth wide open... and their face like as though they had just seen a dead person walk or a space ship landing in the middle of no where! i simply miss the simple good old days where things are not so plasticky and not so touristy.

first, it lost it's chineseness. there was hardly any chinese feel. well, true, there was some performance about yellow river and so on, but there was no dragon dance, no lion dance, no flower baskets, no giant flags... and so, if chingay is about celebrating chinese new year in lieu of the ban on firecrackers, they have lost it. the organisers wanted to brand it as asian's best and grandest parade. but looking at the parade, i thought there was the total mismatch of items! there were too few asian groups and worst of all, they even had a group from brazil (and it's not even a part of asia!) and looking at it, the parade came across as an event where there were a lot of glitz but without a clear focus. certain parts felt more like a mini-national day parade without the national anthem and the military contingents. and certain parts felt like a birthday celebration for people's association, complete with birthday song! wtf! and oh, did i mention there was also a float put up by one of the grc with our minister waving on it. against the backdrop of the current debate on public housing policies and hdb flat prices, this float felt like an election drive about for the minister!

if u really want to continue to brand it as asia's grandest parade and stage it as a chinese new year thingee, future parades organisers should consider having a parade structure where there are different segments, eg, a chinese segment to celebrate chinese new year the way singaporean can recognise (keeping to its original purpose), and an asian segment to celebrate asian culture (including cultural items from china, chinese minority tribes, japan, india, korea, thailand, malaysia, malaysian ethnic groups, etc). also, the event should just focus on themes such as the arrival of spring and showcase how asians celebrate spring's arrival. and in line with such intent, keep all themes related to singapore racial harmony, community, charity, la la la to national day. i think we have got enough (in fact, too much) dose of the patriotic, nationalistic, community-related messages and events. i am not saying it is not important, but i think there are the right time to do the right thing. and i really think such themes are not very appropriate for asia's grandest parade. why not consider a national day parade where there is a parade (just like the one we are all so familiar) and a second part comprising floats and performances?

ps: i am sure pa will say something like, being pa, there is a need to promote community bonding la la la... to me all these are political crap. if that is the case, then don't even try to brand it as asia's grandest parade.

gay lifestyle? hmmm..

had reflected on gay lifestyle sometime back when i spoke with francis. but after further reflection, i think perhaps there is no such thing called a gay lifestyle. well, ok, there are gays and there are lifestyles. but when we put these two words together, we begin to generalize that all gays have a certain lifestyle and this certainly do not do justice to the many gaymen and gaywomen out there who do not live their lives so. so to me, the phrase `gay lifestyle' is an overused and abused, and under-understood phrase. even by people like us. and when we gaymen and gaywomen begin to agree that there is such as thing as a `gay lifestyle', we are directly agreeing that we are different from straights, to the extent that we have a different lifestyle. when we do so, we are shooting ourselves in our own toes and we are subjecting ourselves to further marginalisation from the so called mainstream straights.

think deeper. if we say gays drink, party, dress loud, and la la la... i can swear blind that there are also gays who do not drink, party, dress loud and la la la. on the same token, i can also swear that there are straights who drink, party, dress loud, la la la... well, you get the idea. where i am coming from is that there is really no difference in lifestyles between the straights and the gays. and even here in this superbly narrow definition of lifestyle to include activities like drinking, partying, dressing and la la la, we can already see how this phrase `gay lifestyle' has failed. the only difference i can think of is that gays go to bed with people of their same gender whereas straights go to bed with people of their opposite gender. that is the very crux of the definition of gays rite? check any dictionary and it will tell you so. no dictionary defines gays as people who drinks, etc rite? if we really want to describe the gay community, perhaps there are certain generic descriptors and trends like gays generally tend to be able to splurge on themselves, keep fit, look beautiful, groom themselves, etc as they tend to have the means to do it. the key words here are `generally' and `tend to'. and well, to me, `generally' and `tend to' do not equate to a lifestyle.

generalization leads to stereotyping and certainly do huge injustice to any specific community.

what do you think?

no mood to start work

after these past weeks of cleaning, new year activities la la la... i am finding it hard to start work. well, ok, ok not work as in work per se. but rather, work as in looking for a job and doing my online search for jobs. just no motivation. in fact, i was still in a lazy mood. hmmm, perhaps i have been in a lazy mood all along. if i recall what i read somewhere correctly, i have displayed all the symptoms of someone in denial and in depression - signs of being listless, surfs the internet, checks facebooks, plays computer games, etc and doing all sorts of things other than what one should be doing! ie, looking for job! heh heh...

:-)

anyway, i'm gonna meet up with the consultant management people to discuss the way forward for my job hunt/ their marketing of my resume. and i am supposed to share with them my research on the mncs that i would like to work for... but haha... i am totally not prepared to show them my list. did not even do any proper research on it! how? how? it's so not me to walk into any meeting unprepared!

may be this will be my first time.

heh heh...

ps: i got an email today from them telling me that they have sent out my resume and one company is already looking at it. hmmm... sounds too good to be true. whatever the case is, wish me luck!

mum's back

called my bro's place again today and there was no reply. smsed him and learned that they had returned home. in fact, they had returned since tues. apparently, mum had gone for a medical appt yesterday and as such, when i called, no one was around. very happy to note that all things are fine. the medical result for mum's pain at her lower back is bad. signs of very bad bone degeneration and that given her elderly age, there is nothing much that they can do except to give her an epidural injection. this should at least provide her with some temporary comfort.

it's good to be able to talk to her again. 4 days! have been calling and talking to her daily. so, this was probably the longest duration where i did not get to talk to her! certainly, took a huge load off me.

:-)

worried

mum has been gone since first day lny. my bro had brought her to jb. and till today, there are no news from them... and i am getting worried. in fact, my sleep last night was interrupted with dreams of my mum and dreams about me going to war...

hmmm...

i need u

our conversation over the phone yesterday...

one of us: i am on my way home, you need anything?

the other one of us: ya... i need you...

one of us: mmmmmm...

so sweet rite?

:-)

medicine buddha

i have never really known about the medicine buddha until recently. and over the lunar new year, i visited the temple to light a candle for my mum and my family. have not done it before but i very much want to do it this year. i think it is the right thing to do for my mum... and all in my family. the sanskrit version of the medicine buddha mantra reads as "tayata, om, bhaishaye bhaishaye maha-bhaishaye raja samudgate, svaha" in the tibetan way, it is pronounced "tayata, om, bekandzeh, bekandzeh maha-bekandzeh, radza samungateh. soha". the meaning of this mantra is often given as 'may all beings benefit from the sublime love and power of sangye menla' although it is not a literal translation of the mantra. (source: http://www.khandro.net/deities_sangyemenla.htm).

lny traditions

there are many traditions we follow and this lny is no different.

i have continued most of these traditional practises although i do not really subscribe to the religious meanings underlying some of the traditions. nonetheless, i still find it very meaningful to practise them as it reminds me of my family, my roots and my culture. in short, my identity. and of cos, i do see many practical and logical reasons behind some of them. the following are some of my family's traditional practises that i continue to observe

• spring cleaning and hanging the ang chai (a red piece of cloth over my main door) after that on the 24th day of the last lunar month. the ang chai is to ward off any bad luck and welcome the good. why the 24th day of the last lunar month? well, far as i understand, it is the day the (taoist) gods leave the household to report to the heavens. they will only return on the 4th day of the new year. although i consider myself buddhist and have gradually reduced such taoist practises, i do still observe this date for practical reasons. after all, targeting one week before lny to complete the spring cleaning allows me to get other things prepared. also, red is a cheerful colour and brightens up the mood quite a bit.

• i still have reunion dinners. i think this is a good practise as it promotes family togetherness. recent years have seen my dad's passing and my mum moving out to my bro's place. and so reunion dinners have become a simple affair for myself and bee.

• i will leave the house lights switched on through the night on new year's eve. this is largely a hokkien community practise far as i understand. this is to ward of any evil spirits that might lurk around and we certainly do not want any such spirits to enter the house on new year's day.

• i still decorate my place with lny colours. some of the things that i have in the house include plants (flower cuttings, orchids etc), mandarin oranges, cookies (of which the must haves include pineapple tarts and love letters), as well as preserved fruits. many of these such as the preserved fruits used to be used as offerings to the taoist gods, but over time, it has become something used to serve any visitors to the house.

• i must have a nian gao (chinese new year cake made from sugar), and a bundle of 8 chinese leek (suan). other than serving the aesthetic aspects of these item on the table, the nian gao symbolises good luck and progress through the year. as for the chinese leek, i like the smell (some consider it pungent). but other than having the power to ward off dracula (heh, just pulling your leg), the suan also symbolises material well (the character suan for chinese leek sounds like another character `count' meaning `counting money').

• i do not sweep my house on the first day of lny. certainly do not want to end up sweeping away any good luck... need lots of it especially during these not too good times!

• we used to visit our elders on the first day of lny. when i was a little boy, i remembered the first place we must visit was to my maternal grandparent's place. we had to kneel down to offer oranges with both hands. we would also visit my god mum as well as all my maternal uncles and aunties. but over time, with the passing of these elders, this practise had (short of a better word) died. these days, the first person i'd visit on the first day of lny is my mum.

• after my grandparents passed away, i carried on the practice of kneeling for my mum as a form of deep respect for her. i still do so once a while and frankly, i find myself getting choked when i do this. somehow, i do not kneel to my dad. i guessed it's a habit that did not sink in for me to him.

• we would also make it a point to pay a visit to the temple on the first day of lny. this is to get the blessings from the gods for a smooth year ahead.

• all the visits above were to my maternal side relatives. for my paternal side, all my dad's siblings would visit us on the second day as my dad was the eldest (after my eldest uncle passed away) in 1984. so, on the second day of lny, we would host family gatherings for his siblings and their families. i took over the hosting on his behalf when he got older. now that he is not longer with us, this practise has stopped.

hmmm... ok, shall stop here. did not realize i actually do so many things... there are many more... but needless to day, all these practises center around the whole idea of respect and togetherness, and the gods and the (extended) family. to me, these are the most meangingful aspects of lunar new year.

heh heh...

:-)

predictions

bee and i watched the lny countdown and each year, we would look out for the predictions for horses - year of our birth (yes, bee is 12 yrs younger than me)... and this year was no exception. well, it was not that i believe in these predictions, but i guessed it was the curiosity at play. and each time i listen to the predictions, i would always be amazed with the guy's ability to talk a lot but say nothing... the following is a sample of what i heard in general...

this year your health will be average, you must eat well and rest well or else you will fall sick. relationship-wise, for those who are married, this year you will need to focus on communications, spent time to talk and clarify things, or else there will be tensions arising from miscommunications, as for those who are unmarried, it might be a good year to consider getting married if you are ready. financially, this year will be an ok year. there will be highs and lows and you must be more careful with your spendings or else you will lose money. so, if you can, do try to save your money...

you get the idea... so, yes... bee and i sat and listened to the predictions for our year and after the guy finished, we looked at each other and exclaimed in unison - chey! say also like didn't say!... then again, it is always a lot of fun to listen to the predictions...

:-)

restful lny

it was one of my most restful chinese lunar new year this year. and i guess it will be so for the many years to come. reunion dinner was a simple affair with bee. cooked some simple dishes and wah lah! it's over... stayed till close to 3am to watch over the crossing of the year (supposedly to bless one's parent with long live).

as a routine, first day of the new year is to mum a visit. but this year, my bro had taken her away to jb and they'll be there for a couple of days (i don't even know when he'll be back!). so, that means no visiting for me this year. and guess what - i slept through the day. well, ok, i woke up at 7am to bring sapphie to pee and then came back and slept until lunch time. but as there was absolutely nothing for me to do... so i opened my main door, let the wind blow in, watch tc, lazed around, napped a bit and by 3plus, i literally looked a mess... so i decided i should do something worthwhile (for me at least). so i went to the temple. was amazed at the traffic. it was jam packed everywhere! even the highways... and guessed what? i was honked and high-beamed by an uncle again (damned it!). same case of me signalling and trying to filter and the uncle picking up speed and refusing to let me overtake (ya, damned it again)! but well, considering it was the first day of the lny, i thought, ok, live and let live. shan't curse him... ha ha.

the temple was one helluva packed too. guess it was the first day of lny and many considered it most auspicious to visit the temple. and i noted quite an interesting few groups of ang mos mingling in the crowd too. and there was this one particular ang mo who actually picked up the joss stick and offering his prayers too!

went home directly after that. brought sapphie for a walk and watched tv. my sis came over with her husband and kids. steven came over later and we (bee, steven and i) headed off for a midnight show.

and that was how i spent my lunar new year.

restful.

:-)

top & bottoms

got this interesting picture from ryan... heh heh...

:-)

reunion dinner

this year, i will not be joining my mum for the reunion dinner. instead, i will be eating at home with bee. and for the dinner, i have decided to cook 4 dishes - curry chicken, ngoh hiang, chap chye and stir fry chinese leek (suan). apart from the stir fry chinese leek, all the other 3 are peranakan dishes that my mum used to make. as of now, i have completed the ngoh hiang. tomorrow morning, will be cooking the rest. and of cos greedy me (and bee of cos), has already eaten 3 ngoh hiang this evening! yumzzzzzzzzz! :-)

ngoh hiang

think i better capture the recipe for the peranakan style ngoh hiang here before i forget about it... and it is my own recipe :-)

filling
1kg lean meat (gor huay bak or "five flower meat")
500g medium sized prawn
5-6 large onions
5-6 shitake mushrooms
6-8 stalks of spring onions
1 medium sized carrot
3 tablespoon of flour
2 eggs

skin
1 sheet of ngoh hiang skin

preparation
cut the ngoh hiang skin into oblongs (about 8cm by 20-25cm)
(one sheet should yield about 26 pieces)

mesh up the meat (you can ask the butcher to do it for you), deshell the prawn and mesh them up (use a chopper and whack it!), cut the spring onions in 0.5cm pieces, chop up the carrot, mushrooms and large onions (use a blender and make sure you use the rough cut blade, else your ngoh hiang will end up soggy).

put in the flour and the eggs together with the ingredients above and mix well.

roll the filling into the ngoh hiang skin just like u would a popiah.

deep fry the ngoh hiang till golden brown.
drain off excess oil. cut cooked ngoh hiang diagonally and serve hot.
enjoy!

additional tips
(1) add water chestnut if you want the ngoh hiang to be a little crunchy. for the above portion, 2-3 water chestnut would do. chop it up finely just like the carrot (2) add more flour if you want the ngoh hiang to have a harder texture (3) do not add any salt or seasoning to the filling. the ngoh hiang skin is salty by itself. if you want it to be saltier, either roll smaller sized ngoh hiang (it's the same principle as surface volume ratio thingee... heh heh) or use a larger piece of ngoh hiang skin and roll it one more round (4) if you want to store it and eat it slowly over time, it is advisable to steam the raw ngoh hiang first. this way, you can put it in the freezer and keep it for a couple of weeks. also, steamed ngoh hiang is easier to deep fry (5) when you steam, it is a good idea to place the ngoh hiang over a piece of banana leaf. banana leaves also make the ngoh hiang more fragrant. in addition, using banana leaves allow you to stack the ngoh hiang over one another. this saves cooking time. and do remember to place the lowest layer over a porous strainer to allow the meat juice to drain as it steams, else ur lowest layer of ngoh hiang will be swimming by the end of the steaming process (6) when serving, serve with either maggi chilli sauce, sambal belachan or sweet sauce... if u are a hard core peranakan, u can also mix the chilli sauce with a bit of otak udang (petis) (heh kor) (7) cucumbers cut diagonally make excellent decor pieces for presentation purposes. it also complements the ngoh hiang very well.

:-)

being taken for granted

time and again i have to remind myself not to compare and not to feel that i have been taken for granted by people around me. it is the same with all my friends. and it is increasingly difficult not to feel so.

i am saying this becos (1) everytime, it seemed like i have to initiate the gathering and do the calling, or (2) everytime, when someone remembers something or wants to have a gathering, they will call me and ask me to organise, (3) and even after making all the arrangements, i often get people backing out like as though it is a chore to meet up (4) and even after making all the co-ordinations, i always get people telling me at the very last minute their schedule change, they have work to do and will be late, etc etc etc it is very difficult to get things going when people see things from their own self-centric angles or fail to give priority to the gathering, (5) and on rare occasions when someone volunteers to do the organisation, they will start by saying, ok, let's meet here and this time, can? and when i say can, they will then say, ok, on, can you help to call the rest cos i am busy, cos i am la la la... hmmm... and the latest is that people now are making me feel that "now you not working, you have time to do the organising." it had happened and happened and happened. and it comes to a time when people now take it as a norm that i will be the one to remember things, to organise things and to get things going. it is very tiring. and often, so very often, you just hope someone will take the initiative and do the planning and co-ordination and you can just attend and be merry.

so increasingly, i find it very hard to convince myself that i am not being taken for granted. sighs, why am i now ranting? or am i just tired and stressed up before the lunar new year?

irritable me

i was highly irritable today... and i guessed it was partly cos of the car park fine and the series of unfortunate incidences involving gangster drivers. and the fact that i had to wait for a friend to knock off work didn't help. i got even more irritable... so, all the words that came out of me during the evening dinner with my friends sounded like someone had offended me big time... and for a good moment, i didn't feel like i want to celebrate lunar new year! well... i think i need drink lots of cold water, take deep breathes and do some meditation.

gangster drivers

what's with drivers these days? just these 2 days, i got honked by 3-4 drivers. and it was not becos i was in the wrong. in fact, 2 of the cases involved truck drivers trying to squeeze from 3 to 2 to 1 lane at the pie/ cte junction in the afternoon. the drivers were behaving like gangsters and they were trying to push me out of the squeeze... and worst of all, i couldn't do anything but move forward cos on one side, i had the trucks, on the other side, i had double white lines... so i acted blur and just drove on. in the end, the trucks slowed down and drove behind me. damned it. next time, you wanna drive people out of the squeeze, at least give people the space to get out of the squeeze.

similarly at imm after lunch with damien, i signalled my intention to turn right onto the main road. seeing my signal, one honda stream sped forward and refused to give way to me. when i eventually managed to turn in front of him, he damned freaking buay song and tried again to overtake me as it was a one lane road. again, i managed to overtake when the car in front of him stopped to turn right. i could sense his frustration as he hastily switched lane and sped towards me again... this pattern of trying to overtake me repeated a couple of times. and each time, he was slowed down by cars in front of him... quite sickening to see such drivers. rude and worst of all, endangering people's lives.

and i was even more aghast with another case. it happened this evening and involved a mercedez (car plate starting with scr). the driver, a late-40s/ early 50s uncle, was weaving in and out of the slow traffic along ecp towards bedok. and when he approached the point where cars were filtering into the highway, he suddenly switched lane and tried to overtake from the innermost lane. i suay suay happened to be halfway filtering into the highway... and next thing i knew, i saw his car swinging towards me. he then flashed his high-beam non-stop at me and honk honk honk like a mad man. wah... i really couldn't take it. he was the one speeding like a mad man and now he was behaving like someone out of woodbridge mental hospital! and he showed his displeasure by continuing to tailgate me for a while while maintaining his high and low beams. and once he had the chance, he switched to the middle lane and drove his car beside me. and he stared at me and muttered something. of cos, it is ineffective to scold someone from your car on a highway. far as i was concern, you could scolding your wife sitting beside you or for that matter, even apologizing to me... so, in short, i didn't care. and before he could do anything, i gave him my middle finger! seldom do such thing. but this time round, it breached my tolerance level. his wife must have gotten scared or must have scolded him for after that he slowed down, kept to the speed limit and maintained in the second lane. when i drove pass him a while later, he dare not even look at me.

it is not often that i curse people. but today alone, i found myself cursing people again. damned it! wanna die, go and die yourself. don't drag people along. damned it...

wtf!

my friend ben

i think i can christen my friend ben as my `fine' friend already. i first got to know ben from fridae (i think). that was in 2003. and we exchanged some emails. and eventually went on to chat on msn. and we got along pretty well and decided to meet one fine afternoon for drinks. so i went to pick him up and while chatting with him and driving, i drove through a red light. split second too late. i got 4 demerit points and $150 fine... that was the first time we met... we hardly meet after that due to different work schedules. i went over to states to work in 2004, deregistered my old number, lost my phone, delete my friend list in fridae (following being called up by msd in 2005) all contribute to the eventual losing contact with him. and today, i met him again when i went to the pool for a tan. it has been more than 5 years. and before i left the pool, i walked over and spoke to him. and we spent some 15 minutes catching up. i left the pool after that. and i found a car park fine on my windscreen. over-parked by 15 minutes. hahaha.. such coincidence. seemed like each time i meet him, i get fined. :-)

fine

went for a tan at the pool yesterday and to do some reading. and when i left the pool, i saw the car park attendant uncle at my car. he was about to leave. and on my windscreen, a car park fine...

damned it! it was just 2 days before the auspicious lunar new year and i am getting a fine. damned it! and my first natural innermost response was one of anger and hostility. one that was targeted at the uncle. and i cursed him and everything associated with him, he deserved to be condemned, to be burned in hell... i did not try to explain to him why i was late or cook up some excuse. he would probably give me some lame answers or worst still tell me that being a car owner, i can easily afford the fine (yes! this happened to be before. and i thought the uncle that said this was superbly mean. but that was another story). furthermore, i do not have the habit of cooking up stories. not me at all. anyway, the uncle saw me coming. and he quickly packed up, mounted his scooter and rode off. and my eyes tailed him and my mind continued all the hostile thoughts about him...

but as my hostile thoughts cooled off, i took it objectively. yes, it was a fucking sour and lousy feeling. but it was a fact that i had overparked by 15min. and it was a fact that the uncle was only doing what he was paid to do. i guessed i was angry with the whole notion of being fined. and i was also angry with the fact that the phrasing in the fine suggest that i do it on purpose. that i had a deliberate intention of wanting to cheat. but then again, that is the tone used for all fines - parking fines, speeding fines, etc... it is all part of the system. just have to accept it and move on.

i came home. logged in to the internet and paid up the $6 and quickly got rid of the piece of fine. although i am not a superstitious person, it still irked me big time to have such a piece of paper in my house over the auspicious new year period. and as ryan said, 小财不出,大财不入 (direct translation for small fortune don't go out, big fortune don't come in)... and 破财挡灾 (meaning losing monies to avert a disaster).

:-)

天下的妈妈都是一样的

in the eyes of our mum, we will always be kids...

:-)

chatty mum

almost wanted to title this post as `talkative mum'! heh heh... but that kinda title carries too much negative connotations. so i thought `chatty mum' would be nicer. and yes, it is perhaps also more accurate.

mum has been chatting with me quite often lately. and she even called me on my phone 2 days back to chat. we ended up talking for a little more than half an hour. really, i couldn't recall when was the last time i spoke on the phone to her for so long. and yesterday, when i visited her, she asked to go to the block garden to chit chat. we ended up chatting for almost an hour! the topics covered were always similar (in fact, they were the same!), but it still felt so good to be able to do so.

:-)

sorry, phone lost

u kinda know where u stand when u sent out lny wishes and many ex-colleagues (yes! many many) reverted asking who u are and telling u they had (regretably) just lost their phone...

:-)

happy lunar new year!

thought i'd beat the traffic jam this year and smsed all my friends lunar new year greetings earlier today. may the year of the tiger be a happy, successful and healthy one for all!

happy lunar new year! gong xi fa cai!

:-)

sunbirds

it's so nice and sweet to have little sunbirds (i think it is the yellow-breasted sunbird [sinnyris jugularis frenatus]) visit the house everyday! i think it must be the sunbird breeding season now cos of late, i have busy sunbirds visitng my house to collect sapphie's fur (for their nest building i supposed?). it is cute to see them fluttering into the balcony, hop around while looking around for dog fur, pick them up, and fly off. and once a while, the sunbird will even hop into the house onto sapphie's water bowl! :-)

end of spring cleaning!

i shall finish my spring cleaning today! been a whole week of cleaning. and it's 98% done. one more cabinet & one chair to clean, living room and bedroom floors to mop and kitchen floor to wash and i am done!

hurray!

:-)

mum's dream

think my mum's condition has worsened over the past 2 weeks, and esp few days. she had been talking lots about the past and getting more forgetful about things. she had some pains at her stomach and her back and the hospital found stomach ulcers as well as nerve impingement from her scoliosis. and she had a fall couple of days back. and these whole series of issues was rather upsetting. and when i visited her on fri, her eyes were swollen and red. the domestic helper told me mum cried the whole morning. and she cried again when i spoke with her. she told me that my granddad (her father) visited her in her dreams the nite before and spoke with her about lots and lots of things.... out of these, some of the rather worrisome things my granddad told her were that

• there is tis particular person who is really bad and wants to harm me and has apparently casted a spell on me.

• my house has been totally "black-magicked" and that i am keeping a man in the hse.

• i am only using a small portion of money i earned to look after her and that i have been giving all my monies to this very bad person.

• he (my granddad) is looking over her and he knows which of her sons are true about taking care of her.

• that she should not not go out too often in case she falls and that she should not ask money from my brother cos he does not earn much.

• that she is very pitiful cos she has lost her husband (my dad) and that her siblings are not looking after her.

• that she should pray daily so that the gods will protect her and watch over her.
  
  etc etc etc...

it was rather disturbing to hear of all these things and i felt my own tensions grew when she related them. i felt angry with my granddad. i felt angry with the pro-my-brother, anti-me angle of her dream, especially in money issues. but i kept my cool, sat back and thought for a while. and i felt a little stupid to be angry with my granddad (who had died ages ago).

and after some concurrent quick reflections while prodding my mum to continue telling me about her dreams, i concluded that all that she had said was actually her deepest worries and fears. worries that fears formed from what she had been observing and that had stayed hidden her subconscious all these while. it was also a reflection of how she sensemade the things i told/ did not tell her. for eg, about the praying bits was something i've been telling her daily, about not going out and not getting monies from my brother, these were what i'd been telling her all these while to help calm her when she got upset after my brother chided her for wanting to go out. as for the money bits, i guessed it could have resulted as i had not told her in detail how i had used my salaries. and given her assumptions that i was earning loads and loads of money (if only it was true), i must therefore be splurging on my monies on my friends.

once i was able to sensemake all these things, it was actually quite easy to explain to her as tenderly as possible how all these perceptions were not true and that she should try to explain to my granddad the truth when he visits her in her dreams again. sighs... it was interesting that in the conversation with her, i frequently alternate my messages' focus between my granddad and her and she did not even realize it. and after doing several iterations, i got a breakthrough. she said she was no longer worried (notice how my granddad disappeared here?) and that she was satisfied that i had not been splurging my monies... i think i will have to start to refocus my messaging to her on a daily basis so that i can convinced her thru and thru abt money issues.challenges of managing an elderly with dementia. but i guess if i can see things from her point of views, it would help a lot to better understand how i can allay her worries and fears and let her have some peace of mind.

of spring cleaning & traditions

been doing my spring cleaning over the last 5 days. thus far, i have done 80% of the house. i still have my room to do. i think this is the longest time i've taken for spring cleaning. but frankly, i think i am doing more than just spring cleaning. apart from cleaning every little corners and crevices, and the content of my cabinets, storeroom, etc, i am also taking the opportunity to do a bit of self-renovation. for example, i am revarnishing my kitchen door frame this year! several years back, there were some stains and marks on the door frame and i painted a layer of brown paint over. this, too, has been stained over time and is starting to show signs of peeling. and so, i decided i shall revarnish the whole door frame again. not an easy task. lots of preparation before varnishing. need to clean, sand-paper off the paint and old varnish, dry, etc. and today, i've managed to finish only one side of the door frame. will try to complete the whole frame by this sat before applying a new coat of varnish. i am sure it would look brand new! it's always a good opportunity to redo all these woodwork and stuff when spring cleaning. yup, it's tiring, but it's satisfying. once i've done the door frame and my bedroom, i'll wash the floor of the house and i'm done! am giving myself up to this sunday to complete everything cos it'll be 24th day of the last lunar month this coming sunday. traditionally, this would also be the day where my mum sent the gods back to heaven. and once that is done, she would hang up the red banner (ang chai). i do not have any altars in my house and thus i do not observe such practises. but i would observe this deadline and also hang the ang chai once i complete my spring cleaning. it is a good deadline to observe cos it allows me one week to do other lunar new year preparations. these were some of the many small things that my mum practised as part of the family tradition. and i do believe, these were the very same things that her parents, and her parents' parents used to do. many of these practises has taoist underpinnings and origins. but i can see many good in them. good points that are not necessarily related to any religious reasons and i would very much like to continue these practises. also, i strongly believe that in practising such little things, it allows me to reconnect with my forefathers in a way that i can never imagine i could. these practises define me as a member of my family. and it defines me as a chinese. :-)

long or thick?

ha ha... are we finally letting our hair down or what? previously, there was an ad about pleasure of sucking, and now, there's one about length and thickness... hmmm... :-)

toilet bowls

i am so bloody annoyed with toilet bowls that flush even when you move a little bit! it's impossible to shit properly and wipe your arse without getting wet! damned it!

:-)

h1n1 jab

after my ultrasound scan, i had some time to waste before my chiropractic appointment. so decided to drop by the marine parade polyclinic for the h1n1 jab. straight forward procedure with no hassle. simply walked in, registered, got the jab and off i went all in less than 20min! i was impressed.

:-)

ps: oh, oh... perhaps not totally impressed. the nurse tat gave me the jab wore a set of uniform that looked like it hadn't been washed for a few months. dark sweat stains, ink marks, dirt, etc... but despite this and her not too smooth english, i thought she was very nice and very service-oriented!

ultrasound scan

went to the outram polyclinic for my liver, pancreas and kidney ultrsound scan this morning. this scan ordered by my doctor as a result of raised liver enzymes. the details of the scan results will only be known when i see the doctor again in mid-march. no details as yet although the radiologist did give some hints that there might be some kidney stones in my left kidney...

hmmm...

spring cleaning

been spring cleaning for the past 2 days and have barely finished half the house. argh... perhaps i am a really detailed person. you see, for spring cleaning, i will turn the house inside out, upside down and clean everything i can get my hands on! and i will dig every corners and crevices to clean out the dust. and along the way, i'd also clean the contents of the cupboard and cabinets, throw away things, reorganise things, rearrange things, buy new things, change things, la la la...

but one thing is for sure. the feeling after finishing the cleaning is really good. and the wind that blows through the house seemed so much stronger and colder (macam now the wall got less resistance). and oh, the air seemed so much fresher too.

then again after all these cleaning, two things will happen:

• my dog will screw everything up by letting loose all her fur... damned it!

• before i can even say the, lunar new year will flash by and i will start wondering why i'd spend so much of my precious time cleaning the house.

and then, next year, i start this routine all over again.

heh heh...

spring cleaning thoughts

some thoughts that crossed my mind as i was doing my spring cleaning...

(1) valentines will occur on the same day as lunar new year this year. and i cannot help but feel that valentines seemed so lame and superficial when compared to lunar new year... then again, there are things that are common between the two. take away the lovey dovey idea about valentines and the cupid shit and we can see that both are about spending good quality times with your loved ones and renewing, reflecting and celebrating that relationship (be they family, relatives, friends, spouse, partner, la la la).

(2) while doing spring cleaning, we should work systematically from top down, from inside to outside and from front to back . now, now, don't start thinking crooked. by top to down, what i mean is that we should clean things from top downwards. this include window panes, cabinets, walls, tiles, doors etc. and the reason is simple. water flows down. and so, when you start with the top, you will avoid having the cleaned areas getting dirty by soiled water later on. secondly, from inside to outside. this is especially so for areas that we use to keep things (eg cabinets & cupboards). cos when we clean the interior, we generally mess up the exterior and thus cleaning the interior first will save time and effort. as for front to back. this is generally true if the water source is in the kitchen. put more accurately - from places away from the water source to the water source. this is becos when we clean, we need water. and our journeys will therefore radiate from the water source. so, doing things from far away towards the water source will help us avoid having to clean up messes due to water spilling from the pails etc...

and of cos, yes, after reading this, you must be thinking that i must be really out of my mind to think and reflect on such stuff while doing spring cleaning! to put in perspective, some other not too pleasant thoughts did passed through me too. for example, shit! dirty! oily! yukks! bloody hell! wtf! and what have yous... there! this should put things in perspective.

ha ha, ok, so much for my runaway thoughts... shall go back to my spring cleaning...

:-)

of condo & whorehouse

my condo had just done up the cny decor and i must say it looked pretty bright and erm... whorehousey. ha ha! and i smsed a lesbian neighbour earlier and this was how our conversation went:

me: go take a look @ the walkway beside our pool. cgreen condo has just been converted to cgreen whore house!

joyce (my lesbian neighbour): huh! damn! i just left the place. i was in the gym just now. what's the commotion?

me: the cny lights! raise the red lanterns!

joyce : i thought got bikini party with girls all over. ha ha ha... so i am not missing much.

me: haiz! why did i forget i am talking to a lesbian! ha!

joyce : hahahaha you said pool and whores... i am sure anyone can come up with that link!

me: !!!

well, i guessed it's a difference in perspective and interpretation of words between gays and lesbians. and perhaps between an uncle and a young girl... hahaha... well, watever...

:-)

happy & sad

i brought my mum to the temples at paya lebar and kg baru over these two days. she had been rather insistent about going. and i could understand why. temples had been one of the pillar of my mum's life. all her life's happiness, sadness, disappointments, hopes, favours, etc had been uttered in front of the gods. and it had been her source of moral and spiritual support her whole life. far as i could recall, her requests had always been about the family's health, my smooth career, about my brother getting a wife, about him being blessed with good people and good fortune at work, etc. all very selfless and borned out of a mother's love for her children. in fact, this had been the angle of her requests all her life! and with every request fulfilled, she would dutifully go and make offerings as a form of thanks. and it was no different over the past two days. she had wanted to give thanks to the gods for answering the favours she had asked for me as well as my brothers. i guessed her motivation to want to give thanks despite her pain arose from her deep respect (or fear? heh heh...) of the gods. and after giving her thanks, i could see her face really brightening up. there was a huge sense of fulfillment of duty. it was such a happy sight to watch. and it made me feel so good. but at the same time, i also felt sad. and both days, she said she had been chided by my brother for wanting to go to the temple so often. i am sure his words were borned out of concern for her in case she fall down but i guessed he had uttered his words a bit too fast. if only he had held back and tried to understand why she wanted to do so. it was also regretful that my mum took it a little too negatively. as a result, she made up her mind that she would never go pray at temples again. and she made it very clear that the visit today would be her last. forever. and she even thanked me at the end of the visit. it felt weird hearing it. against the backdrop of how the temple and her life had been so inter-twined, i could imagine how lousy she must have felt to say it out. and putting myself in her shoes, i felt sad. very sad. and her words of thanks felt painful to me. it almost seemed like she's doing her final dues before leaving us for good. i might have over-dramatized a little too far, but i couldn't help it. it was hard not to think it this way when you hear the tone of her words. thinking of things this way, i felt a lump in my throat.

giving thanks

today almost seemed similar to yesterday. again mum called asking me to bring her to the temple. only differences was that (1) she called late morning, and (2) she could not remember where this temple was... here's the story.

mum called and i picked up the phone. can you bring me to the temple today? she asked. well, which temple do you want to go? the one located beside the big church she answered. which one? why did you want to go to this temple? oh, the one located near gu jia chwee (chinatown). i want to go there to thank the gods for answering my prayers... came the reply. hmmm, so which temple is it? tu, tu... the one where ah ban's ashes were kept... i went there to seek some favours from the gods 6 months ago. ah kuah brought me there... (ah ban was my late uncle, her late brother and ah kuah was her friend). well, you very much get the idea where the conversation was heading. hmm, 6 months ago? no possible. no i thought. she had not gone anywhere without me knowing 6 months ago, let alone went out with ah kuah her friend. i tried to probe further, but got no further info. she couldn't remember the location. yet, she insisted her memory was correct and that she was not able to reveal to me what she had prayed for...

i decided not to ask further and went ahead to do as she asked. i suspected (actually i was quite convinced) it was her dementia at play again. nonetheless, i drove to her place and picked her up. and before we set off, she asked me to help her buy powder. the old traditional type that we used to pray to the moon goddess and to the seven fairies. ha ha... that itself was a huge challenge cos i really did not know where to get. and even mum herself did not know. apparently she had asked the domestic helper to bring her out to buy earlier in the morning and after walking around the central, they went home empty handed, save for some loose flowers. i drove a short distance and decided to try one of the neighbourhood shophouses. and as luck may have it, or perhaps the gods were guiding me, i walked right into a joss paper shop once i walked out of the car park. and something told me i could find it in this shop instead of a supermarket! heh heh.... and yes, i got it. altho mum refused to tell me what she had prayed for, just by looking at what she had bought, i already knew. when i gave it to mum, you should see how she broke into a huge sunshine smile and started laughing! "wa... you so clever! know that this is exactly what i had wanted" she exclaimed in hokkien. that itself made my day! it was priceless!

based on her description, i looked up the street directory for religious places where a church and a taost temple co-exist side-by-side. i told her i would drive her around chinatown to look for it. but to pre-empt any possible disappointment if we could not find the temple, i told her god would still be happy if she set up an altar at home and give thanks there. and that i would place the powder under a tree for god to recieve it after the prayers. she reluctantly agreed provided i could not find the temple. driving around chinatown and tiong bahru, i found 2 possible temples. each time, she said it was not the correct one. and to trying give me a better description, she said - bus number 61 stops there. hmmm, frankly, it was not very useful at all. telling a person who drives what bus goes there was totally useless. finally, she said my brother had brought her there before... and so, i gave him a call and i got the answer. apparently, the temple was located at kampong baru. nearer to telok blangah. quite a distance from chinatown! heh heh...

driving there was an amazement in itself! mum had been rite all along! there was a bus 61. there was a huge church. and there was indeed a temple. and to get into the temple hall, she had to negotiate 2 flight of steps. willingly she did. this was despite her painful knees. i guessed her commitment and desire to want to repay the gods overruled all feelings of pain. in no time, she completed her prayers. and i sent her back. through the afternoon of engaging her, i figured she was brought to the temple by ah kuah, her lifelong good friend, 6 years ago to make a request to the resident god for my brother and i to settle down (read - get a wife). my brother had finally gotten married and she felt she needed to give thanks.

really, after this whole episode, i felt a little guilty and ashamed of myself for doubting her and suspecting it was her dementia at play when she called me earlier. i was however glad i took her to hunt for the temple and that i could help her realize her desire to give thanks. it was such a good feeling to be able to see her cheered up after the prayers.

:-)

achmed the dead terrorist

i can never get enough of this! silence! i keeeeel you! 

hahahahaha! :-)

slam

this is the book i am reading now.

:-)

weird behaviour

mum has been behaving weird of late. this morning, i literally jumped out of bed when i saw my phone registered 22 missed calls! and this was when i had just managed to take a short 3-hour nap after a whole night of tossing and turning. fearing something bad had happened, i immediately called my brother's place. and guessed what? mum answered and asked if i could go over and drive her to the temple. she added that i should go over as soon as i could. and even after suggesting that we go after lunch, she insisted otherwise. sensing something wrong, i did not try to re-convince her and rushed through brushing my teeth, changing up and rushed out of the house. i asked for mum to meet me at the ground floor. when i arrived, she looked rather glum. and looking at the domestic helper, i sensed something wrong. she asked me to drive her to bedok before heading to the temple as she needed to buy joss sticks, joss papers, offerings and other prayer stuff. i dutifully did so. apparently she had remembered she made some requests from the gods a couple of months back and now wanted to return the dues. and it must be done before the gods return to heaven before the lunar new year. during the journey, i managed to get her to tell me what's wrong. and boy was she full of complains. all these complains sounded like an old woman feeling too bored and being jealous with the fact that her son is spending more time with his new wife. she complained that my brother has been rather rude to her of late, allegedly telling her that she had caused the untility bill to increase, not giving her money to go out, and so on... but looking from her perspective, i can understand her frustrations. this morning, after remembering that she needed to go to the temple, she asked my brother for cash. but instead of doing so, he allegedly told her off and asked why she so liked to go temple so much. he added that being old, she should just stay at home. in the end, he did not give her the money. and mum resorted to borrowing from the domestic helper! hmmm, well, i know not of all the details. but knowing my brother's character, i thought it might be possible that he indeed had been venting his anger and raising his voice at her. but then again, i did not want to take sides. instead, i asked her to reflect on the fact that perhaps my brother could have said things a little rudely, but his intentions had been one of concern that being old, it would be risky for her to go out so often. but it was not easy to convince her given that she herself had been convinced that my brother has been unfairly treating her. and given what happened this morning, she was so convinced that her visit to the temple today would be her last. and as she spoke, she cried. and she started to relate stories that made her angry. her stories included events from aeons ago! she spoke of how my dad left her long time back, how my aunt caused her to miscarry, how she was ill-treated by my grandma, la la la... and the terms she used sounded very crude and angry. it was clear that she had not been able to forgive and move on from events that happened over 40 years ago. and it struck me. her dementia has worsened. the indicators were clear. she had been rather irritable lately. and she had been behaving like she needed a lot more attention. she remembered all those things that happened years ago and talked like as though they had only happened recently. added to this, some of the things she said did not seem to make sense. her sense of numbers and time were often mixed up. in the car, she was convinced today is the seventh lunar month, yet she told me new year is coming... hmmm... challenging indeed. i listened. i corrected her gently when needed. i maintained a consistent sense of calm and kept reminding her of buddha and his teachings. i reminded her that as good buddhist, we should learn to forgive and move on and to continue to do our prayers. over the few hours i was with her, i managed to cool her down. and after visiting the temple, she certainly looked a lot more composed and happy. she had finally returned the dues to the gods for her prayers. and on the way home, she could at least laugh when i joked with her. reflecting on all these developments, it was clear that my mum's aging process is significantly different from that of my dads'. yet one thing is consistent - that taking care of old people is very challenging. i can fully understand if my brother had indeed gotten frustrated. it had happened to me once too when i shouted at my dad. i am not saying it is justified, rather, i am saying it is difficult and needs a lot of self restraint. but when things breaks loose, people will get hurt. feelings will get hurt. and that is where i think siblings should come in and help each other. i just hope this will not happen too often.

sleepless nite

hardly slept last night. guessed my mind was too active cos i was working on my resume last night till late. at the same time, i was afraid i couldn't wake up as i had agreed to pay my 3-month overdue newspaper subscription to the newspaper man at 6-ish this morning. no choice... he came in the evening several times and each time, i was out.

yawns...

have a little faith

book i am reading now.

english high tea

it's been a long while since we had english high tea. and i managed to find one at the pan pacific over the weekend. and so, we decided to give it a try today. and at 3pm, karstan, schneider, bee and i gathered at the atrium at pan pacific. and it was then that i found out the price was s$28++. not too high. all hot drinks were free flow and we could take our pick. the croissant, scones and the sandwiches were passable, but the cakes were really good! it was such a nice surprise! heh heh... and when i called for the bill, i found out that there was a promotion for uob, ocbc and amex card holders - one for one. and we ended up paying for only 2 pax!

:-)

new friends

recently made 2 new friends in the internet. and have been exchanging views about life in general, work, buddhism, etc. sharing of views over the net is interesting given the lack of knowledge of how we look like. and this helps bring the conversation to a whole new level of depth...

:-)

hurray

heh... decided to play this game again today and guess what? i completed the game and broke our previous records... playing computer games may be seen as lame and a waste of time by many, myself included. but playing it once a while certainly breaks life's routines and may actually be good. i supposed it boils down to moderation. do what makes you happy but do not get addicted to it.

:-)

coming out

i received a mail from hw2 today thanking me for the call. and i decided that i should do the right thing. so, i came out to her. i hope, and i am sure, she would be able to accept me as i am. reflecting, this was not the first time i come out to people. in fact, i have done so so many times over the past decade that i am quite used to it. i only do so to people i am comfortable with. and everytime i do it, it seemed like i have to go through the whole process of thinking how they would take it, whether they are ok to have a gay friend, whether they are homophobic, la la la... again and again. i guess at end of the day, and with sufficient practise, coming out is no big deal to me. during my early days, my first thoughts when deciding whether to come out was whether i would be risking the friendship, about how people would see me, about how people would treat me, etc. in short, it was all about me. but these days, my thoughts seemed to be more about the other party. i think it probably is a result of my being comfortable with myself. whatever the case, for whoever i come out to, i saw them go through a short period of 'sensemaking' and during this period, there were be lots of thoughts going through their minds. i am glad all my friends whom i have come out to have accepted me openly and wholeheartedly. and as a result, our friendship deepened. i am so blessed to have such friends. but for some of my friends, their experiences were a little more disappointing. some of them totally lost their friends. it is deeply regrettable. then again, perhaps we are better of without such `friends'. but well, i guess the choice is theirs. coming out is a process that affects both parties. and i do sometimes ask - who is affected more? the gay man himself? or the one he comes out to? :-) ps: i do admit that i have a really long time and close friend that i have not come out to him for fear that i would really lose him....

hw2

i am writing this blog as a way to capture my sadness about a dear friend who may be required to undergo treatment for cancer very soon. she is still awaiting her tests results as i write. rather than use her name, i will abbreviate it here as hw2.

hw2 was a classmate of mine during my uni days. she was a very quiet but very nice person. after graduation, we went on to do our honours years together and we ended up being placed in the same lab. i remembered that once, when we were nearing the exams period and all of us were rushing to complete our thesis, i suddenly blacked out and almost fainted in the lab. and i was saved by hw2. i think it was due to over-exhaustion as i had worked long hours for my thesis and at the same time, helping my friends with theirs... and on that very day as i was working in the lamina flow, i felt a sharp pain in my abdomen, i felt a wave of coldness through my body, and next thing i knew, i was on the floor. hw2, who was in the lab at that moment, rushed to me and pulled me to the sofa. she held my cold hand, told me to hold on and rushed off to make some hot milo for me. that saved me. not too long after that, we graduated and did not keep much in contact since then. that was in mar 1991.

it was funny but somehow sometime 4-5 years ago, she managed to get my email and sent me a mail. we re-established contact after that and that was when we managed to play catch up learning about how each of us had gone on with life after graduation. she eventually married one of our department post grad students and moved to france with him (he's french). they are now happily married with 2 beautiful sons. although our correspondences dwindled with time, 2 thing remained constant - she would consistently would sent me her annual reflections and some photos of her family yearly (it was this that motivated me to do my annual reflections in my blog). in addition, she would occasionally sent hand-written letters and self-recorded french songs to me. it was so so sweet of her to do so. these emails reflects on her as a deeply caring person and the letters gave me a good understanding of her life in france. and through me, i also managed to expand our emails to some of our closer uni friends. thus, in a way, she was part of the group, yet divided by distance. and she made the resolution that she would one day have dinner with all of us.

last dec, as per her usual practise, she sent out her reflections to us. this time round, her email sounded rather dark and after reading, we all got worried. you see, a lump was found in her breast recently. following further examinations, she was told she had to undergo mastectomy in jan 2010. this discovery was a huge blow to her. it forced her to reflect deeply into her life, her family, her kids and her friends. when we read her email, we were concerned. it became the talking point during our annual christmas dinner and drinks. but, we couldn't do anything except to wish her well and to keep her in our thoughts.

hw2 eventually went for her mastectomy last week. and i gave her a call yesterday. it was meant to be a surprise to cheer her up, to say hello to her and to sent her my other uni friend's regards. but i was not prepared to hear what she had to tell. after the procedure, the doctors had also discovered that one of her lymph nodes had been affected. as a result, they have ordered for more tests to determine the extend of its spread. and she shared that she might have to start chemotherapy treatments before lunar new year. talking to her, i could sense her helpless frustrations amidst her cheerfulness. and for me, there was nothing i could do except to ask her to take very good care of herself, be optimistic and to leave things in god's good hands. the conversation was short. we ended the conversation with her telling me that she still wants to make sure she joins our uni friends group for dinner.

i wish her well. i really do.

ages of life

00 - 10 - foundation laying, growing, learning
11 - 20 - trying, testing, absorbing, rebelling
21 - 30 - toiling, working like shit
31 - 40 - blossoming, flying
41 - 50 - stabilising
51 - 60 - sustaining
61 - 70 - retiring
70 onwards... resting

what say you?