my bmt

i was enlisted on 19 mar 1985.

i reported early to cmpb. at that time cmpb was located at dempsey road. if i could recall correctly, i reported for my conscription at the central manpower base (cmpb) alone. my mum made me my usual morning coffee in the morning and i left the marine parade flat soon after. it was a glum morning for me as i was entering a new phase of my life. and through the bus journey, the thought that i would be away for the next month or so away from my family made me felt uneasy. i felt lonely. then again, i reminded myself that khoon seng had been through bmt since dec 1984. and having seen him survived through it and coming out leaner, stronger and more confident, i told myself, i would too. he was my role model and in a large sense, my inspiration.

the whole process in cmpb was a blur. once i arrived, i reported at the counter and soon enough, i was told to proceed from room to room. i vaguely remembered being made to say the pledge, sign some documents, and soon enough, a whole lot of newly enlisted conscripts including me were all asked to gather and assemble at the parade square. the three-tonners came and we all boarded it. by that time, the parents, friends and relatives had gathered at the parade square. tears flowed. people waved. thinking back, it felt like a funeral. and we were the ones being sent off. once off cmpb, we were driven to sembawang/ woodlands area to collect our uniform, mess tins, etc etc etc... at gsmb before heading to pulau tekong where the infantry training depot - itd - was located.

i was posted to lion company platoon 41. i was placed in section 3. my bunk was located on the 6th floor of itd camp 3 and i was in bed 5. i was knwn as rec w s sim.

i supposed my stay in itd was fun. it was fun not becos i was a sadist and enjoy being punished or being subjected to tough training. rather, i found it fun becos there was a certain familiarity in what i was put through given my national cadet corps background and there were new things i could learn daily. some of the most memorable things that i experienced include:

- watching my peers learn how to wear boots, wear the camouflage uniforms, etc. and with my ncc background, i had the upper hand.

- being gathered and marched to the camp barber. one by one, we waited for our turn. slowly but surely, our hair dropped. to a certain extend, it was a mixed feeling of fun and horror to see the reflections of my half near-bald head and half haired-head in the mirror. and i recalled the immediate weird cold yet numb feeling to see my botak head after the whole process.

- my buddy was this chap called ho hon yuen. he was from the same college as me. brilliant chap and a mathematics person. a typical mummy's son. first time out of the comforts of his home. very pampered. once, his button dropped off and i had to sew it on back for him.

- by the end of first week, we were all so weak from the daily chin ups, runs, push ups... we were literally aching all over and our chin up count per person dropped from anywhere between 5 - 12 to zero per person. our chin up counts started picking up again after week 4... 1, 2, 3...

- sitting at the brightly litted basketball court and eating night snacks while my platoon sergeant barked away - the company routine orders, the instructions for the next day, and so on.

- night snacks comprised anything from burnt rice and green bean soup, bread with strawberry jam, bread with thick butter, mushy maggi mee and so on. and of cos - the all so familiar green mug that is marked with our names.

- waking up at 5.45am, whole body aching like crazy, rushing to wash ourselves (altho at times, it was just rushing off to the parade square straight from bed) and for breakfast. and breakfast menu looking exactly like night snack's menu.

- area-cleaning of the bunk and areas around camp that never seemed to get cleaned enough to satisfy my corporal. so naturally, it led to push ups and "see the tree there? go touch it!"

- parent visit day where my mum visited me. she came along with her ginseng and meat double boiled. i proudly showed her around my bunk, my camp, introduced her to my corporal, my platoon commander and so on. and she commented that i had slimmed down, looked more tone and sun-burnt.

- the highly looked forward to canteen breaks where we would rush to buy soft drinks and eat canteen snacks. not too good but in the mouth of highly deprived recruits, they tasted like heaven!

- the highly dreaded bayonet fighting, and my corporal that kept barking and barking - hyahh! hyahh! hyahh! (just a couple of months before my enlistment, i heard khoon seng shared so much about it but couldn't fully appreciate what he meant!)

- and of cos the long list of physical training (pt) - log pt, combat pt, rifle pt, standard obstacle course, la la la... never did i know my rifle could feel so bloody heavy! and for log pt, i enjoyed the thought of myself being relatively shorter than most of my platoon mates! :-)

- getting to wear the 1-kg heavy metal helmet that had our initials stenciled in front. and of cos, the frequent blur kings that, for reasons spanning from rushing for time, sleepy, to whatever, wore the helmet backside front ala fireman style! ha ha!

- individual fieldcraft training was fun cos we got to learn about what is c.b. leaves (accordingly, the shape of the leaf reminds one of the vagina! and c.b. is the acronym for the hokkien term for chee bye aka vagina), and see how some of us went into the bush and come out looking like some aborigine drag queen, complete with lallang sticking straight out of our helmets!

- fire movement training and being made to shout "one thousand two thousand three thousand, four thousand down!" dashing from tree to tree, sand mount to sand mount and so on.

- drawing range card on the side of a hill and learning how we should point our rifle, define our arc of fire, identify far objects, near objects la la la.

- throwing a live grenade and hearing some of our platoon mate go "nek nek"!

- watermanship training and learning how to make improvised floatations from anything from coconuts to our fieldpacks to our camouflage uniform! and of cos, the building of the infantry assault bridge, running across it like those combatants we see in the show combat! really, the fun part about watermanship training was playing with water! and in a warped sense, the feeling of cold water seeping into the body through our uniform onto our balls! come on... other than that occasion, how often do we, as sane adults, get to walk into a river or sea fully clothed!

- trench digging (yes, in my time, recruits do dig full trenches)! and eating bread and drinking coffee in the dark, not knowing that the breaed had been dirtied by mud and clay!

- and of cos, the situational test. thought it was fun. solving some tricky questions and situational problems. one of the stations, we were supposed to think of how to move our group from one bank to another (elevated platform) over an imaginary river (made of mattresses) without falling into the river that was infested with crocodiles. i remembered that cos in the end, i fell and was eventually eaten by crocodiles. ha ha...

- my platoon commander was 2lt wang khoon huang (he called himself chris) and he was one that practised strong favouritism. one particular guy he liked - this platoonmate of mine - mak. showered him with so much attention that it was so obvious to the rest of us. anyway, i found out later that mak (and possibly wang) was gay! well, wang went on the sell ice-cream, became an air steward with sia, and so on after his fulltime national service.

- during the company nite, the song `i like chopin' by gazebo was played. this was to become one of the most memorable song for me for that era.

- before long, bmt came to an end and my company was tasked to perform the bayonet fighting during our passing out parade. this led to more bayonet fighting training. huge sighs...

- last few days before passing out parade, the platoon started to get sentimental. we would sit up beside our bed, and talk and chatted... and 3 days before passing out, yap (one of my platoon mate) shared about his nightly ghostly experience with the supernatural at his bedside (section 1). that night, none of us woke up to go to the toilet for our middle of the night pee. we all slept with empty plastic bags in our hands and blanket draped over our heads. the next day, one by one, we went to the toilet to throw away plastic bags of urine! ha ha ha!

passing out parade came. if i recalled correctly, it was held at the bedok stadium. i graduated from my basic military training. i emerged one of the top recruit of my company. and i was posted to officer cadet school.

that was jun 1985.

mri

finally, i went for my mri this evening.

arrived there promptly at 7.30pm and went straight to the mri lab. there was an elderly gentleman undergoing the scan when i arrived. and waiting for her turn was an elderly indian muslim lady (let's call her ah cheet). indian cos you can see from her skin tone. muslim cos you can tell by her children all around her and their dressing.

anyway, the radiographer came out to brief me on what to expect, made me change into the hospital robe and i waited with bee at the corridor waiting area. in no time, the ah cheet was asked to go in. and in less than a min, an alarm went off. the next thing i saw was ah cheet being pushed out in a wheelchair... she was near tears and kept saying she felt like dying. she spoke in malay. she was limp and even in the wheel chair she couldn't sit up straight. it was an unsettling sight. the radiographer on the other hand looked a little flustered. she must have thought ah cheet's reaction was a little over the top for she told her male partner that even before she could start any procedure, ah cheet already pressed the button. i think it was fear. they eventually did not go through the procedure with ah cheet.

i was next. frankly, i was not in the best of psychological state after seeing ah cheet come out half-gone.

sighs, seemed like i always get into this awkward situation when people before me always had some issue. remembered once when i went for my leg operation couple of years back. i was under heavy anaesthesia and was waiting for my turn to be operated on. it was already at the point of no turning back. the operating theatre door opened. there was an old man. he had just had his operations. apparently, his anaesthetic effect petered off and he woke up before he could be wheeled out of the operating theatre. so, when the operating theatre door opened for me, i could hear him wailing away in hokkien that he was in terrible pain... imagine the psychological effect on me!

ok, back to my mri... so, with me still struggling to put ah cheet's experience behind me, i went in. i told myself i will be brave. or at least pretend to look brave. i forced a smile. after being asked a few standard questions, i was asked to lie on the mri machine. felt cold. i was asked to put on ear plugs. then they placed something over my chest and told me not to move, not to swallow my saliva and to press the button if i needed help. next thing i know, i was pushed into the mri scanner. it was a huge tunnel like machine. admittedly, it felt a little squeezed. luckily, i was not claustrophobic. i closed my eyes. there was a lot of noise. telling myself i had to stay still for about half an hour, i psyche myself to think that i was in a spaceship and was about to go into deep space (kinda like start trek or star wars)... the noise continued. and after sometime, the radiographer told me i could swallow my saliva but i should keep still... this process repeated again. this time round, i imagined i was jodie foster in contact. i imagine myself dropping and appearing on a planet in a galaxy far away. and the radiographer came on again telling me i can swallow. and then the process repeated itself 3-4 times. and by the time it ended, i felt a little headache and giddy. otherwise, i was ok.

the whole procedure lasted about half hour.

and as quickly as i was asked to proceed with the procedure, i was also asked to change up and that i could leave. it was indeed an interesting experience.

i shall now wait for the result in two week's time!

it started with 25 points

it started with me penning down 25 points about myself in fb. it then led me to pen down my life anecdotes. one thing led to another and something told me to do a search on my now defunct secondary school in fb. and hey presto! i found a group! tun seri lanang secondary school alumni... and thru this link, i found some other secondary school friends. i then went on to do a search for telok kurau east school... and wow omg! i actually found it too! and there are even photos in it! such sweet and fond memories!

schutz... it looks like i'll be spending quite a lot of time checking out old friends in the coming days!

:-)

my junior college days

my college days...

1. i was in temasek junior college (tjc) from 1983 - 1984. as mentioned, i was influenced by my second sis. i went to tjc in part cos my second sis had her jc education in tjc.

2. i was in orientation group 14. i got to know khoon seng in the orientation group. he was my best friend in college.

3. i raised the school flag on wednesdays. that was the day when we all had to wear our college tie and sing the college song - it went "it matters not where we are from, to temasek we now belong. sharing experiences, yours and mine..." and so on.

4. becos of my science background, i got myself enrolled into a triple science class. i took bio, chem and physics at `a' levels. in my second year, i dropped my physics to 'ao' levels.

5. we were all required to join at least one extra curricula activity. i tried joining the college choir (in part cos my second sis was in the choir too). went for the audition and was asked to sing a song. it caught me by surprise (stupid me!). on the spot, i sang the national anthem... i was nervous, i went out of tune... needless to say, i failed :-)

6. failing to join the choir, i challenged myself to do something out of the world. so i joined the chinese orchestra instead! this despite my screwed up chinese. nonetheless, the chinese orchestra became one of the best memories of my junior college years.

7. while in the chinese orchestra, i played the er hu and zhong hu. in fact, i found myself to be rather adept at string instruments that i ended up learning almost all the string instruments including the luan, liu qin, yang qin and the pipa! i was no good when it comes to wind instruments. never good at blowing things... :-)

8. i never pass my chinese as a 2nd language in my whole life! i sat twice for it in my `o' levels and thrice for my `a' levels. for all my attempts, i obtained d7s! i even failed my oral exams! guess my dislike for chinese (that started in pri 4 after my chinese teacher wrongly accused me of deliberately shooting her) was too acute to be overcome.

9. i belonged to civics group (cg) 19/83 and my cg tutor was mrs so. she was also our chemistry teacher. my class comprised 14 girls and 4 guys (including me). my classroom was located at the third floor of the central block in the college.

10. i didn't like general paper lessons, or rather, i dislike my gp teacher - ms hsu (she later became mrs tay). one day, while discussing the topic abt the importance of music, i shared that tones have all along been impt to human beings and for that matter, tones are very important for us to be effective in our communications. a few days later (obviously ms hsu forgot which class she conducted), ms hsu came back to my class and shared that in one of her class, one student (me of cos!) said that music was so impt that one could even equate speech to music... and she laughed out loud. i felt so misquoted and embarrassed by her!

11. mrs bok taught us bio. she's malaysian and she was rather blur, but we all loved her.

12. once we had to dissect live rabbits for bio lab classes. my classmates and i managed to get the rabbits from chinatown maxwell road (i think we bought 12). brought them to college and i volunteered to chloroform them all. i placed all in a huge trash bag, poured chloroform onto some cotton butts and before throwing it into the trash bags. and to ensure maximum effect, i pour the rest of the chloroform into it. pure. the rabbits went crazy... they struggled and fought for their lives. the trash bag broke. out came all the rabbit jumping (they went as high up as my eye level!) and literally screaming. it was weird. that was my first time hearing a rabbit screach! a few seconds later, they dropped onto the ground, dazed, dying, and totally knocked out. many had blood flowing out of their eyes... i picked them up - one by one, placed them in a pail, brought them to the lab and we dissected them... as we did it, my class girls cried.

13. another time, we had to dissect earthworms. it was rather coincidental that it poured that morning and the school corridors were filled with earthworms. they had crawled out of their holes as it was all flooded by the rainwater. my class guys and i had fun picking them up... in the lab, we poured boiling water onto them. that was the first time i saw earthworm `jump'. very drama.

14. reflecting on the above 2 incidents, i think i was very cruel. i will never do such things now!

15. miss kee taught us physic in our first year. new teacher. enthusiastic but we didn't connect with her. mr pakri taught us physics in second year. he was a pervert who enjoyed touching my class girls' hands. we gave him the nickname pakricus garfieldicus as we didn't like garfield - a very popular comic at that time.

16. my junior college education revolved around 3 things - class, chinese orchestra and khoon seng. class - for obvious reasons. chinese orchestra - my eca, again for obvious reasons. khoon seng - my orientation group buddy. we continued keeping in contact after orientation. we would spent hours together after class, after chinese orchestra practice (lion dance practise for khoon seng). we would go to east coast and chat through the nights...

17. i had my first experience in politics in chinese orchestra. the form teacher in charge was miss kee (my first year physics teacher). she came in and tried to meddle in our chinese orchestra committee affairs. she came in between us and the orchestra alumni... we hated her! well... reflecting back now, i think we were just simply childish.

18. after my college education and while waiting for enlistment, i worked part time as a traffic `counter'... i literally sat at different traffic junctions to count number of cars passing through the junction. when i went for the interview for the job, i was so boh-chee ("no balls" in hokkien, or "lack the guts") i asked my mum to accompany me... :-)

my secondary school days

in secondary school...

1. i had my secondary school education at tun seri lanang secondary school from 1979 - 1982. the school was previously a malay-stream school. in line with the government's policy to phase out malay schools and have english stream schools, my cohort of students became the first english stream cohort of the school. that was the reason why most of us who did not even choose the school landed there instead.

2. given the malay-stream origin, and the education policy at that time (1979), those who did not take malay as a second language had to take it as the national language or bahasa kebangsaan. i had it easy as i had some malay grounding given my part peranakan background. but not my classmates who struggled through the year. and during exams, my classmates would copy from me... and of course, the teacher would conveniently excuse herself to allow us to copy (i think she knew that if she did not do that, she would have to answer the principal...)

3. my second sis influenced my choice of extra curricula activities and choice of subjects to a great extend. she was in the national cadet corps. so, i did the same. i became a member of the national cadet corps and after 4 years, i was promoted to a cadet staff sergeant (ssg).

4. again, due to my malay background, i enjoyed excellent working ties with my malay classmates and ncc mates. they quickly embraced me as one them.

5. i was the flag raiser when i was in secondary school.

6. in secondary 1, i failed my chinese so badly, my form teacher asked me to consider switching to malay as a second language. i did not.

7. my sec 1 form teacher was a malay lady who enjoys wearing tight kebayas to school. she was also our science teacher. once, during the laboratory sessions, we inadvertently lost control of our live cockcroach and it ran into my teacher's kebaya. it entered between her breast... you can imagine the commotion that day!

8. i was a class monitor in sec 1.

9. one of my favourite lessons in sec 1 was literature - greek stories, jason and the golden fleece, the rabbit's foot, etc.

10. in secondary 2, my pe teacher was this guy called mr gabriel tan. we enjoyed teasing him. once, during our swimming lesson at katong pool, one of my classmates went underwater and pulled his trunks off! :-)

11. i was in the afternoon class in sec 2. one of my habit was to read while walking to the bus stop. once, i walked into a lamp post. there was loud "bong!!!!" and everyone at the bus stop looked up and stared at me. i acted super blur and continued walking.

12. i had a gay english teacher in sec 2 - mr gwee. some of the things he did that we did not like - he changed our school song from malay to english. he changed the design of the school tie from something that was rather nice to one with horrible turquoise blue colour.

13. mr gwee once told my class boys to stay back in class after formal lessons so that he can share with us how to tell if a guy is a virgin... cannot recall what he said, but i think it had something to do with the colour of the head... lame.

14. i first wore long pants in sec 3. remembered buying it from a shop in tanjong katong. it made a super proud to be wearing it on the first day of school. i felt like an adult. well... it's an ego thing!

15. i faced in my first major dilemma as i went into sec 3. i love science. i love technical. i love arts. due to streaming, i have to choose one. in the end, i chose technical. as i said, my sis had a huge influence on me. as science stream was consider to be the best of the three, my sis got me transferred to science even before school term started. so, i ended up in science stream... i went along. after all, i enjoyed science too...

16. i was a prefect in sec 3 and sec 4.

17. i joined the gardening club, the english oratorical club, ncc, athlethics... once during my gardening club planting and clearing of weeds sessions, i found a set of rodent's skeleton! initially, it scared the shit out of me. once i recovered from my fright, i actually took the skull and played with it!

18. i was a member of the english oratorical club (in fact my whole class were!) by default because my sec 3 form teacher - mr rahim - was the teacher in charge of the club. we all loved my rahim! he was a funny but, in a way, very serious teacher.

19. sec 3/4, it's all about sex... puberty and hormones aplenty. my class (both boys and girls) would bring porn to school and exchange them amongst one another! one of my class girls actually brought a whole set of magazines for me... cos her sis was an air stewardess!

20. i had my own study group. 6 of us including me - doris, eng chuan, hh, lb, vanessa & i. naturally, everyone would pair us up... but nothing happened... ha ha... i was actually closer to another girl. as for study group, apart from studying together, we would go sight seeing almost every weekend. chinese garden. clearest memory.

21. i experienced my first `break-up' in sec 3. i got to know this girl called lay nah during one of the ncc leadership camp. i decided to call off the `relationship' even before we started... reason - she lived in jurong, i lived in marine parade. it would be so difficult for me to take a bus all the way there to see her. long distance relationship was difficult and worst of all - it was exam period. thinking back, it was rather funny. excuse was super lame...

22. i was a happy, cheerful and highly energetic kid. my bio teacher mrs chan once commented that i bounced from point to point rather than walk.

23. i took my o levels chinese twice. and for both times, i got  "d7" grade.

24. i can add more, but shall end here.

25. i went to temasek junior college in 1983.

my primary school days

picture courtesy of facebook profile Playfairschool Singapore

have posted something in facebook about myself and i thought i shall reorganize some parts of it, expand them and post them here. it is also perhaps a way of capturing some fond memories about myself. so, for a start, this is about my primary school days - most of which i did not capture in my earlier postings:

1. i started my primary education in playfair school in tai seng in 1973 and continued my education in telok kurau east school from pri 2 onwards. playfair school was located at playfair road in lor tai seng area - a gangster hub in those days. i recalled walking to school once a while with my second sister (who was in pri 6 when i was in pri 1). i studied in the morning stream and would go to school very early in the morning.

2. to prepare me for class, i remembered being made to wear uniform that was starched real hard and shoes that was coated with such thick white blanko that it felt like wearing leather shoes. and to top it off, my mum would apply thick scoops of brycreem on my hair and combed a `kalipop' hairdo for me - the in-fashion in those days (`kalipop' was the hokkien people's version of `curry puff' cos to many, the way the fringe of the hair was combed - curved upwards and swept down towards the back - made it look like a curry puff).

3. i enjoyed my pri 1 classes, especially arts and craft. i was a naughty and mischievous boy and was frequently punished by my teacher/s. there was once when i was made to stand facing the wall outside my classroom. i remembered feeling superbly embarrassed by that punishment. after my class, i would play in the sand-pit while waiting for my 2nd sis's lessons to end.

4. my pri 1 form teacher was this lady called mrs kang. she has a huge frame (well, at least to a 6 year-old me) and was a very nice lady. she had also taught my second sis when she was in pri 4. i remembered i had a best friend called quek chong and we would often play catching together. that was about all i remember of my pri 1 days.

5. i was subsequently transferred to telok kurau east school in 1974 (pri 2) when my family moved to marine parade. playfair school closed down in the early-80s (i think). when i last visited the place, the building was occupied by a malay-muslim community self-help group.

6. in telok kurau east school, i was a playful kid and had been publicly punished by teachers and school principal... in pri 4, i was caned publicly by my school principal during school assembly for shooting a seed at my chinese teacher (although i swear it was an accident!)

7. i took the school bus to school daily. my usual daily routine would be to wake up at 5.45am and wash up. by that time, my mum would have made her coffee for me (kopi-o). that would be my breakfast. she would then give me 30cents before `shooing' me out of the house. i always remembered to put 10cents into the milo tin can before i leave with 20cents in my pocket :-)

8. as a primary school kid, my daily allowance was 30cents. standard affair for me - 10cents for my piggy bank, 10cents for a bowl of mee/noodles, 5cents for drinks and 5cents of calipop. this was increased to 40cents in secondary school and 60cents in junior college.

9. i was a fat kid and would always feel so jealous when my skinny classmates all got to drink free milk during recess time. i secretly wished i could have some of the milk too...

10. i was my pri 3, 4, 5 form teacher's `pet' student and would always be asked by them to buy them calipop (curry puff) during recess time. and of cos, they would always reward me with a bottle of pok-chwee. this was a hokkien colloquail term for gassy drink - the term `pok' was used literally cos of the sound produced when the cap pops out. and `chwee' means water in hokkien. for me, pok-chwee usually would be either green spot or rc cola. the `in' drinks of those days!

11. my principal in telok kurau east school was mr bernard fernandez, a short stout indian man. and my school teachers include mrs kang (pri 1, playfair school), mr teh (chinese teacher, Pr 2, form teacher pri 3[?]), ms teo (later mrs fernandez after she married my principal, form teach pr 4), ms ang lay sian (form teacher, pri 5), mrs elaine tan (form teacher, pri 6), mrs rocky (maths teacher?), mdm toh (we nicknamed her madam toad, pri 4). cannot recall others much.

12. my best friend in primary school was this boy called sim beng. we had a common enemy called vincent cheo who always brag about his dad... sim beng and i enjoyed mimicking movie and tv characters. some of the characters we mimicked include r2d2, c3po, wonder woman.

13. sim beng used to live in jalan eunos. his grandma would fetch him to school and occasionally we would visit each other's family for lunch. whenever i go to his house, we would spent our time playing in his second floor attic room. we would chat for long hours and he would tell me about his family, his brothers, etc. we would also bitch about our classmates - some of those i could remember clearly include cheong kok yew (i remember him as a fat boy who used to live in marine terrace near me), phoon seng fatt (very nice boy who lived near sim beng but i thought he was some time a bit blur - in a very nice way), stanley chua (who lives in marine crescent near me and very bengish), vincent cheo (who's the son of my vice principal) etc etc etc... those were very good memories. and thinking back, we were so childish! haha! sim beng and i lost contact after we graduated from officer cadet school. think he calls himself kelvin now.

14. sim beng and i really enjoy arts and craft and we were both very good at it. we both joined the art club. some of the things i had done before include macrame, embroidery, knitting, sewing, making pillows, cross stitch, poster colour painting, charcoal painting, decopage (is this how it's spelt?), copper tooling, la la la la la.

15. as a primary school kid, i participated in many many art competitions! i remembered when i was in primary 6, i participated in a bookmark design contest at the national library. while on the bus, i realised i had forgotten to bring my poster colours. luckily, i always had 2-3 poster colour tubes in my pencil case. io, on that day, with only yellow, black and red, i designed a bookmark, and came out champion in the competition! i also won a series of awards during the youth day arts competition!

16. i was so good in my arts that even after i went to secondary school, my art teacher called me back to design and make the stage props and backdrop for the school's production of sleeping beauty. i remembered converting the classroom table into a bed by lining it with loads and loads of yellow and red paper roses and placing a yellow skirting for the table!

17. i chose tanjong katong (technical) and siglap secondary as my choices for secondary school. (in those days, we only had 2 choices). but in the end, almost half of my whole cohort in my primary school went to tun seri lanang secondary school, or what we would call - sekolah menengah tun seri lanang.

tensions abt colleagues

now at work and had just received an email that made me rather unhappy. then again, i told myself to just cool it and ignore the issue.

you see, early last week, someone from another department asked my colleague to get him the course's students name, team names and a whole series of other data such as nric number, email address, etc etc to allow them to create a database for the course. he wanted this list organised by class. this colleague of mine conveniently sent the mail out to all the class form teachers. being a form teacher myself, i took the initiative to sent out a consolidated class list with almost all the details indicating that the college already had all the data and we only needed form teachers to nominate a class lead. the only detail that the form teachers would need to fill was the class student representative. and to ease administration, i indicated that we should continue to call the class by the class number as per what had already been given since the start of the course.

today, one of the form teacher forwarded a list using my template and this list indicated a new name for his class. apparently, he had forwarded my email to his class and asked them to fill in the details but deleted away my comments. out of courtesy, i replied him and inform him that we shall continue to call his class by the class number. and in reply, he wrote a long email telling me how we should not stifle student's creativity, how we should allow the new name to be registered... and even went on to tell me that by stopping them, we now appear unco-ordinated, unprofessional, etc etc etc. and to top it off, he copied his reply to all the form teachers.

i replied him telling him that i had emailed him on the class number issue earlier. and he meekly replied me (addressed to me only), "oops, i missed that mail"... no apology, no cc to all other form teachers etc.

sad. but could this be a case of all form teachers being too caught up with work? so much so that even simple admin like this can become a point of tension?

of insomnia & dreams

i have been having insomia and weird dreams of late. been sleeping at past-1, past-2 daily for the pass few nights. and waking up early for work. and even during my sleep, i would be woken up either by my neck pain or by dreams.

last night, i dreamt that i was at a restaurant for a meal and ordered something that i could not recall. and then, when the dish was served, i noted that it was dog meat. and to top it off, it was sapphie's (my dog) head on the plate. i proceeded eating it and even remembered how i pried the jaws and pulled off the lower jaw. i went on chewing it. soon enough, the people around me started passing comments about me eating dog meat. i had finished eating the head by then and felt like puking... that was when i woke up. and when i dozed off again, i was haunted by things that i could not recall. it felt like ghost, or something supernatural. after sometime (that seemed like forever), i felt cold suddenly and seemed like everthing just cleared off. there was a blank screen of light blue. this lightening up of the tension allowed me to psyche myself that i should now try to sleep. next thing i knew, my alarm clock went off...

not too settling with such insomia and dreams. hope it clears off soon. and i must try to maintain regular sleeping hours...

wonderful weekend

had a most wonderful weekend! started on friday when su how and i attended the cny gathering organised by dan. never had i felt so at home for a long time. no pretense, no need to hide, just being myself. and the people were so spontaneous even a quiet introverted person like me started to mingle around. and last night, it was a reunion dinner for my nsf days fellow officers! again it was good dinner, and good catching up! and it's amazing how our common experiences some 23 yrs ago all came back in the little few hours!

:-)

burger queen

on the first day of new year, went to burger king for dinner. there was a long queue. the store was managed by 2 employees. malay (to be expected given it's chinese new year). and boy oh boy... just look at their face - long. black. hardly any smiles. they were both so grouchy... almost like they were both having a bad bad case of pms at the same time. if it had not been for my hunger, i would have avoided them! guess it must have been the extra stress of having to serve a long never ending queue, clean the table, etc etc etc... and they were obviously heavily underhanded!

:-)

cny 2010 vs valentines 2010

received an sms from my second sis telling me that cny 2010 will fall on 14 feb. tis is gonna be interesting. dating couples/ couples intending to celebrate valentines will probably find themselves with no where to go for their romantic dinners! and given the imptce many chinese placed on cny as well as the reunion dinners, chances are that valentines will occur way way ahead or way way after cny!

dating couples wanna celebrate reunion dinner cum valentines dinner together?

hmmmm...

cny 2009

been a very quiet chinese new year this year. new year's eve was about paying respects to my dad and housecleaning followed by reunion dinner with bee. this year, mum had her reunion with my bro. also, through the new year, it was nothing but eating and sleeping throughout. no one to visit and no one visited me until last evening when my 2nd sis came over and i went over to larry's place.

otherwise, the usual traditions of hosting relatives on behalf of my dad on the second day did not materialise. i understood from my mum that they had instead visited my brother. shall not and will not make any assumptions from this. i guess things will find its equilibrium somehow. and to me personally, being more introverted, i am also not too keen to interact with people and their visiting my brother allowed me some peace. and of cos, there is no more need to answer questions like "aiyah, you so old already still have not get married... when is your turn?..." la la la...

it's back to work. and so for me, chinese new year 2009 has technically come and gone.

:-)

no momentum

the 4-day break is a really good spoiler for the momentum built-up over the last week. today, it is so difficult to crank start the engine all over again! and in the morning, met some colleagues at the coffee shop... it was close to 9.30am (yes, i went late cos i had physio)... and they expressed the same - no mood la... everybody around all switched off...

heh heh... looked like i was not the only one!

happy lunar new year!

gong xi fa cai!

end of first week

it's been a busy week. the energies demanded of me from my interactions with my students left me drained almost everyday. but i am glad it happened. it's a good start. but in a large way, it energizes me and gives me something to look forward to daily.

:-)

death birth spring

today is an interesting day. events happening yet need to calibrate my presence, participation. out of respect for my dad, out of respect for my friends, and out of respect for chinese traditions.

• death - went to the block of my friends' father wake. did not visit the wake per se. but met him at the main road to pass him the pek kim (literal translation from hokkien - white gold - monies or cash contributions to the bereaved).

• birth - been invited to ice cream james' daughter's first month celebrations. will drop by the pass him the ang pow later too.

• spring - can see that everyone around me are busy cleaning their house, buying stuff, shopping, cooking, and so on. but for me, it's no celebrations. out of respect for my dad. then again, i reckon there is absolutely nothing to stop me from wishing my friends, relatives, and so on well.

in the span of a day, i experience death, birth and spring...

traction

went to my physiotherapist this morning for a review of my knee problem... seemed like it's getting better. and told her of my neck problem too. she noted that it has worsened and put me on traction again. and after that hot pack to loosen the muscles around my neck and shoulder. certainly felt better after the treatment...

:-)

course started!

the course has finally started. and so, it was a whole day of non-stop lectures and briefings. needed to do sit through the lesson in order to know what my students are going through. and after all the briefings, it was another round of training. lasted till 7pm! coupled with the stupid headache, i was totally drained by the time the day ended! then again, looking at it positively, the tight schedule meant that time passed very quickly!

:-)

painful

the pain around my neck has kinda subsided, but the throbbing headache still lingers. in fact, whenever i turn my neck at a certain angle, the pain shoots to my head. right side, somewhere inside. just cannot pinpoint exactly where. fearing the possibility that it might be a stroke, i called kl this morning. and i was relieved when he told me that based on my description, it sounded more like the worsening of my cervical spondylosis instead. have had this problem since 1999 and based on the x-ray i took last year, it was so obvious that my neck had degenerated so much more (compared to my x-ray in 1999).

it was a weird feeling - on one hand, glad that my headache was not likely due to an impending stroke, yet, couldn't help it but felt worried that my cervical spondylosis has worsened... i got me wondering if i need an operation... sighs. for now, i'll have to endure the headache. hopefully, the coming mri on 9 feb will give me some clarity as to how bad the problem is.

:-(

i can't sleep!

it's weird... once again, i can't sleep. my mind's too active!
arghhh!

what a week...

i am now looking at a letter opener that ks gave me for my 18th birthday. on it was inscribed "jefferey". and whenever i look at it, i would be reminded of him, and my disappointment when he gave it to me :-) he was the last person i had expected to spell my name wrongly. but this misspelling made this gift even more special. i had kept this letter opener all these years and would take it out once a while to look at it. to be reminded of him - my confidante, an elder brother i never had, or perhaps my alter-self... i don't know. it's been 21 years plus since we last saw each other. and this week, he appeared in my life again. his re-emergence caught me by surprise.

yes, it's been an interesting week... interesting for the fact that quite a bit of my past caught up with me. and other than ks, i also met tk this morning - another of my junior college pal. was walking towards feng shan market for breakfast with bee and bumped into tk. he's been living in the states for many years and had just arrived home early this morning for his chinese new year home visit. such coincidence. seemed like i always bump into him whenever he returns... ok, tk is another story...

anyway, yes, back to ks. his appearance over the past couple of days was one helluvan experience. the exchange of emails, coming out to him, talking about our past and so on... old memories that i had kept in a corner close to heart all came back. i was again reminded of the `group', the emotions, the anger, the jealousy, the sense of betrayal, of being ostracized, of being the subject of emotional abuse, and so on... and how i had made some wrong assumptions and had perhaps wrongly vented my anger on him eventually. 21 years of separation followed. in the last couple of days, all these memories came back again. but no, although i was reminded of these emotions, i don't feel them now. they had disappeared with time. what remains was the warmth and the familiarity of someone whom i was so close to during my college days. someone whom i had so look up to so much back then. and it still feel good communicating with him. with a bit of apprehension admittedly. it's been so long after all...

from the many emails that was received and replied over last couple of days, it seemed like he has not changed much. there is a lot of truth in the saying that it is easier to move mountains that for people's character to change. from our email correspondence, although i was able to read inconsistencies in his replies, i do not think he was lying per se. rather, i think it was a case of perhaps better leaving some things unsaid. those were the past after all. or perhaps he could possibly still feel a little uncomfortable to share emo stuff with me now that he knows i am gay. whatever the reasons, i i think i'm such an emotional sucker :-) on one hand, i'd say it's the past and that there's no need to revisit, but on the other hand, it felt so good bringing it up again. to reminisce, to be reminded again of things familiar, of things close to heart.

whatever the case, with age, i think we feel the need to revisit some parts of our past. for reasons only known to ourselves - closure, warmth, answers, whatever... and insofar as managing our communications, age and maturity helps. i think i am wiser now. clarity is necessary to prevent unnecessary misunderstandings. i think i have lost 21 years of quality friendship with ks due to lack of good communications leading to misunderstandings. a new window of opportunity to continue this friendship appeared this week. let's see if it can be sustained now that we are older - and perhaps more mature.

words women use

got the following from dennis's blog about key words women use and their meaning. and i smiled as i read them for i could see picture some gay men's behaviour when they use similar words...

• fine: this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

• five minutes: if she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

• nothing: this is the calm before the storm. this means something, and you should be on your toes. arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fire.

• go ahead: this is a dare, not permission. don't do it!

• loud sigh: this is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. a loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

• that's okay: this is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. that's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. bottom line - that's not okay from your perspective!

• thanks: a woman is thanking you, do not question, or feint. just say "you're welcome". (i want to add in a clause here - this is true, unless she says 'thanks a lot' - that is pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. do not say "you're welcome" . that will bring on a 'whatever'... and by this she means... see #8).

• whatever: is a woman's way of saying f---k you!

• don't worry about it, i got it: another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. this will later result in a man asking 'what's wrong?' and when this happens, the woman's response would be... refer to #3.
  

:-)

painful!

did not run much earlier, most of the time, i walked. till now, the pain still has not lessen... in fact, whenever i turn my neck, the pain triggers off an bolt of pain in my head. and so, i am forced to keep my head at an angle... argh!!! so painful! and so irritating! think i'll sleep early tonight!

:-(

no chinese new year

will not be celebrating chinese new year this year. not right to be doing so especially when my dad just left us less than half a year ago. so, this year, i will not be doing the annual routine of hosting my relatives during chinese new year. have taken the initiative to play host to them for my dad over the last (lost count) number of years... this was to relieve my mum of all the cooking and the preparations etc... perhaps this tradition too will pass now that my dad is gone.

well, let's see what happens next year. but for now, no ang chai over my door, no new year decorations at home, no celebrations, no visits, no giving of ang pows (hokkien for red packets, or 红包) and so on... yup, am not married and not `qualified' to give ang pows by tradition. but the fact remains that i have godchildren and symbolically, i have the role of a god-dad to play. also, if anyone invites me to their house, it would only be right to advise them that it is still less than a year of his demise and that if they are pantang (malay for superstitious), i will not visit them... this is a tricky business cos when you ask such thing, even if people are pantang, they will say it's ok...

hmmm, tough call.

ouch again!

damned it... my right upper body has gone screwed up again! and it has worsened over the last 2hours... thought it'll loosen up with some stretching but it got worst instead! totally hate this feeling. time for muscle relaxants and pain killers! hope it'll be better by late afternoon. had made an appointment to pick lk up for a run at east coast.

sighs...

living life

would you prefer to lie on your death bed a materially rich person but have siamed your way through life's harshness, or that you have focused your life so much at work you forgot about people around you... or would you prefer to die a person who have experienced every possible highs as well as every possible knocks that life may throw at you? for me, i would prefer the latter. my experiencing the knocks would allow me to fully appreciate the highs.

in short, i have experienced life and by that, i can say, i have lived my life to the fullest.

final preparations

it's been a busy two days... all the last minute rush to get things ready and to complete all the briefings before the course starts this coming monday... yesterday, it was a continuous whole day of briefings on leadership matters, and today, it was briefings on security studies and international relations matters la la la... you know, it's kinda like the last minute gabra (malay for `panic') syndrome. every module designer wanted to have their airtime! and of cos, i have to sit thru the briefings.

excused myself for my physiotherapy treatment this morning and after that, managed to get my students to convene a little session for me to brief them on some admin stuff. it was my first time meeting them and so, it was kinda interesting to see them, know them and hear their views about the course etc. in a way, interacting with students invigorates me. i really look forward to the start of the course next week.

in addition, i also conducted a concept briefing to my faculty staff about the workshop i was supposed to design. wanted to do this today in order to get some clarity before i proceed to work out the details. and i was glad i did. as expected, there was so many different opinions and all were conflicting... the intense discussion that followed was certainly useful. i managed to get some closure in the issues and am now clearer about the direction ahead.

:-)

coming out to ks

well, finally came out to ks. fast huh? then again, thought it's only fair to do so. will leave it to him to decide if he wants to continue this contact.

you see, the emails have been coming rather fast. i also find myself checking my emails for his replies these two days. there is just so much vacuum through these years and i look forward to find out more about him. and with every mail, it gets more and more difficult not to tell him about me. and finally he asked this evening... the reasons behind my singlehood. it would be really regretful if he choose not to reply but then again, it's a choice i wish for him to exercise.

and after replying, i felt relieved. why? perhaps i still see him as someone i treasure. perhaps. perhaps. and no, not in a romantic way. in a very buddy way.

woooooooo

the weather has been very weird of late. the winds had been blowing very strongly throughout the day. at night, the howling can be so loud, it disrupts my sleep. and to make things uncomfortable, the winds are rather chilly, the kinda chill that gets into your bones... and i think sapphie feels it too cos she gladly keeps the towel over her when she sleeps instead of pulling it away.

weird weird... wonder how long more this howling chilly winds' gonna last! for now, it goes woooooooooo....

then again, looking on the bright side, i can sleep with my fan on the low, saves electricity. also, i can just open my sliding doors and all the dog's fur will fly out of the house... cuts down my efforts to consistently sweep my floor. and of course, my laundry dries very fast!

:-)

ks aka roger

today, my past revisited me. sometime late morning, 1022am to be exact, i received a call from a number that i didn't recognize. it was not me to answer calls from unknown callers. but somehow, i decided to pick this call. the person asked for me and then asked me to guess who he is. admittedly, i felt a little annoyed. never liked being put in such a situation - answer correctly u're ok, but if u answer wrongly, u risk being teased or worst, make the opposite party feel offended.

anyway, i curtly answered - sorry, i've never been good at guessing so you better tell me who you are. and promptly the reply came - "i'm roger". there was a momentary silence. admittedly, i was dumbfounded for a split second... and once i regained myself, we exchanged some pleasantries. and i admit it was rather awkward. it was a sudden reminder of someone whom i had been very close to during my college days and all the angst that follow and how we eventually parted ways. on hindsight, it was rather drama. till then, i had never met anyone whom i was able to share so much and spent so much time with in my life. i was not aware of my sexuality at that time. but all i knew was that we got along very well and he was the first person whom i had very intense feelings for. so, is he my `first love'? maybe, maybe not. hmmm... anyway, we maintained a secret `relationship' that escaped our common friend's eyes. our `relationship' lasted till i went to sent him off for his national service. things got complicated when there were common friends and we eventually drifted. the last time we met was when we were in uni first year (aug/sep 1987). these were things that i had put away for a long time. and all of a sudden, here he is again... now married with 2 kids. he too felt awkward. the conversation lasted no more than 3-4min. and soon enough, he told me that we should correspond thru email (yes, i know it is weird, but i guess email is the best way as it allows us to `talk', organise/ reorganise our thoughts properly before clicking `sent').

so we hung up. and just today alone, we have exchanged 2 emails. rather lengthy ones. thru the mails, he admitted he felt awkward to be contacting me again after all these years but decided to do so. i replied similar. and i could sense the very quick warming up from our email content. in reading his emails, and in my response, i could also sense there were many things that he wanted to say (not too sure if i am too sensitive) but had not made explicit... and certainly, the content of our emails was not typical of what simple friends would write to each other and, not to mention, what men would put in writing. kinda emo and kinda mushy. somehow, there was some kind of depth, yet not expressed... well, not too sure how to describe it. but given that he is not aware of my being gay, i decided to just leave things as it is and not go into the details altho i have hinted it.

am not sure how things are going, but i guess if the opportunity arises, i will come out to him. it's perhaps the right thing to do. and it would perhaps be something that i should make it clear so that there would be no misunderstandings between us. and, i supposed there is nothing to lose for me right? after all he has disappeared from my life for the last 21 plus years. and disappearing again would probably not make me miss him much more than how i had felt when we separated. hmmm...

will write about him sometime...

scheduled for mri

my arms had been progressively weakening over the last 10 yrs, more so over the last couple of months. and finally during my specialist check up today, i was advised to go for an mri of my neck. and so, the date has been booked. 9 feb.

israel vs hamas

thinking aloud - why does the whole world sits up and condemn isreal's operations while they never bat an eyelid when hamas shot rockets consistently into israel killing israeli women and children.

happiness

"everyone has a right to their happiness. nobody should have the power to take you happiness away. don't give anyone that power."

read this from kenneth's facebook status update. actually, i have read it somewhere before. but having gone thru what i went through over the past many years, this sentence resonates even more now. it all boils down to the individual.

:-)

jan so far...

omg! time flies! it's already into the second week of jan 09! the course has not started and things are still rather slow. but it'll change come 19 jan. but till then, it's preparation, preparation, and more preparation... frankly, i am looking forward to the start of the course. my inspiration and drive has always been my students. also, sitting in office and doing desk work can be very boring.

for this year (or rather, until i leave my organisation in 1 aug 09), as an `old bird' (singaporean slant for a seasoned person, a person with experience), i have been given several tasks. firstly, i have to draft the management plan of the course that i had managed in 2007. the catch here is that there is a concurrent review and restructuring of this course and it has been tasked to another colleague of mine. and i am supposed to write the management plan of this restructured course... hmmmm... secondly, i am supposed to redesign 2 workshops... and based on my asking around, the objectives for redesigning these workshops are unclear. these will probably be my most challenging tasks cos without a clarity of the objectives, i will probably end up going round and round guessing what the boss wants. and frankly, i think my boss himself is also not very clear of what he wants... so...

well, i'll take things as it comes. don't think there is anything that cannot be done. was telling bee yesterday that if i wanna play punk and not do anything, no one can do anything to me. it will not affect me in any way cos i'll be leaving my organisation after aug 09. and even if i were to deliver something really good, there is not gonna be any rewards in terms of performance bonus whatsoever... then again, as i have mentioned previously, i am working for my own pride. it's an attitude thing. and for that, i will make sure i deliver what i have to deliver and that i leave my organisation with my good name and reputation intact.

:-)

large

for the first time in my life...

i bought a large size running shorts...

hmmmm...

:-)

and the scary part was - it fitted very very very nicely... not even any extra space for future expansion!

steriod injection

finally went to see the doctor aka kl my friend this morning. been advised to rest my arm. had steriods injected into my elbow. hope it heals well. also, been put on asthma medication again. need to do so in order to manage my asthma that seemed to be coming back over the past month.

two boats

earlier, a friend smsed me telling me that he is in love with someone. the issue is that he is attached and that this other person is also attached. and so he is very confused now. here is someone whom he connects well with - the chemistry and all... and then there is his bf whom he mentioned has some character flaws...

his sharing reminded me so much of myself in 2005. and i fully understand what he is going through. this story has been told to me by several friends over the past years. it amazing how common such things happen and i am seeing a pattern...

anyway, my advise to him is to reflect on this situation of his - why and how did he and his bf reach this state of affairs? what was it that made him lost the chemistry with his bf? have they gotten so use to one another that they have taken each other for granted? what is it in the chemistry that he is experiencing with this new chap that he has not been able to experience with his bf? how long as he been with this new chap? is this time long enough for him to fully understand him (this new chap), and to see/ feel his flaws? and so on...

told him he must do some soul-searching himself, decide what's good vs what's right, and move forward in life. think he has the answer, but he is afraid to face it. whatever the case, he also should talk to his bf about it and decide how to move forward...

i wish him well. i really do.

pat

met up with pat - an ex-colleague, or rather, a friend - earlier on. been wanting to meet up and have dinner with her since 2 years ago when i came out to her. but due to my procrastination (yes, again!), it just did not happen... anyway, it was good that i lost my phone recently. as a result of asking for numbers and sending out emails, i managed to get in touch with friends like pat again. and i was reminded of the long awaited dinner and a date was arranged on the spot! heh heh...

we had dinner at west coast plaza (old ginza plaza). food was nice. and wat was nicer was the company. used to work in the same department as her 6 years back. and following my posting to another set-up in 2004, we parted ways. have not met her since and yes, there was indeed a lot of things to catch up with her. and i must really give it to her. cos she has this way of making me feel comfortable. comfortable enough to share about my life. and we ended up with having coffee and chatting further about life and stuff.

it was certainly an enjoyable and very refreshing evening.

:-)

weakening hands

for my right arm, my tennis elbow refused to go away since early oct 08. in fact, it has deteriorated to the point where i can hardly move my arm and fingers without feeling pain and weak, even for typing my keyboard. for my left arm, things seemed ok... at least until this afternoon in office when i noted a general weakness on my hand and that i could not use my little finger to press the `ctrl' key while stretching my thumb to press the other keys (such as `p' or `b') at the same time... the whole hand just seemed so weak...

wonder why this is so...

:-(

where is matt?

watching this makes me smile...

and then when i see him apologize to singapore for his supposedly lame shots, i smiled even more... and i am sharing it here so that you can smile too!

ps: look out for the very last 0.5sec of the second video! hahaha!

the law of the garbage truck

my first post for 2009 and decided to post this story. something i read from blowing wind and i thought it is very meaningful. and very in line with my blog title... :-)

***

how often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood? do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? unless you're the terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels.

however, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what's important. sixteen years ago i learned this lesson. i learned it in the back of a new york city taxi cab. here's what happened.

i hopped in a taxi, and we took off for grand central station. we were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. my taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches! the driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. my taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. and i mean he was friendly.

so, i said, "why did you just do that? this guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" and this is when my taxi driver told me what i now call, "the law of the garbage truck." many people are like garbage trucks. they run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. as their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. and if you let them, they'll dump it on you. when someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. you just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. you'll be happy you did. so this was it: the "law of the garbage truck.” i started thinking, how often do i let garbage trucks run right over me? and how often do i take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? it was that day i said, "i'm not going to do it anymore."

i began to see garbage trucks. like in the movie "the sixth sense," the little boy said, "i see dead people." well, now i see garbage trucks. i see the load they're carrying. i see them coming to drop it off. and like my taxi driver, i don't make it a personal thing; i just smile, wave, wish them well, and i move on. one of my favorite football players of all time, walter payton, did this every day on the football field. he would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled. he never dwelled on a hit. payton was ready to make the next play his best.

good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting. good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses. leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present, and at their best for the people they care about. the bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

what about you? what would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by? here's my bet. you'll be happier. life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so... love the people who treat you right. forget about the ones who don't. believe that everything happens for a reason. if you get a chance, take it! if it changes your life, let it! nobody said it would be easy... they just promised it would be worth it!

2008 - year of loss

here i am, once again, penning my final entry for the year. this has been a difficult year for me on most fronts. and for a very long time, i was not able to find a suitable descriptor for this year. and short of a better word, i’ll christen 2008 a year of loss.

family
this was one of the most difficult front for me this year. as expected, both my parent’s health continued to deteriorate, first dad, then mum. for dad, he continued to weaken and had quiet a few falls in the early parts of the year. he eventually came down with several illnesses including suspected liver cancer, failing kidneys and so on. his deteriorating health eventually led him to his departure from us in aug 08. as for my mum, after staying with me for the last 3 years, she finally moved out after dad’s demise. in a way, it was unplanned for for she wanted to move out temporarily to settle dad’s post funeral 100^th-day rites. then, on the 99^th day after dad’s passing on, she herself fell ill. she was hospitalized twice – first for pneumonia and then for stomach ulcer – both within a span of 3 weeks. luckily, she pulled through both. nonetheless, her well-being was badly affected and she has weakened to the point where she can no longer walk steadily. she now needs a wheelchair when she leaves the house. the domestic helper that was meant to look after dad came after his demise and now looks after mum. and given that the helper was registered under my brother's address, my mum will continue to put up with him.

my dad's illness over several months and his eventual demise took its toll on the relationships between my siblings and i. between my eldest sister and i, she has stopped talking to me after my dad’s demise. i am not sure of the reasons, but i believe my threatening her following her insisting that we convert dad before his demise could be one of the main reasons. i simply cannot allow her to proceed and convert dad without his own consent and in his state of incoherence, not to mention he had already given clear instructions how he wanted his funeral to be arranged. between my brother and i, he `disowned’ me and threatened to beat me up once. this was following a request i made to him to help me talk to my dad about his behaviour. to a large extent, i believe it was him venting his decades of frustrations. this intense exchange of words also saw him threatening to out me to my relatives. that, in a way, was my coming out to him. the only silver lining out of these difficult times was that the constant interactions between my second sis and i led to a better relationship between us. i am not optimistic about my relationship with my brother and my eldest sister in the long run. nonetheless, as i have mentioned and expected, the family will break once my mum leaves us. so for me, 2008 was technically the year where i lost my dad, and to a large extent, my family.

looking ahead, my only hope is that mum will continue to have a healthy year ahead.

relatives
i feel the need to include a new para on relatives for they played a huge part in my life this year. there was a renewal of contacts between me and some of my mum’s side relatives. because of my brother’s insistence in keeping our family news from my mum’s side due to his biased views about them, they were kept out of the developments in my family - including my dad’s demise as well as my mum’s several hospitalizations. while i did not agree with him about keeping news from them, i went along with it for i did not want to see things get out of hand. it was after dad’s funeral that i called up a couple of them to inform them of the news. they were naturally rather disappointed and unhappy about us not keeping them in the loop about dad’s demise and my only explanation was that this was dad’s wish and that i had to respect it. i believed they have sensed something amiss. anyway, my eldest cousin (my mum’s side) had been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer early dec 08. hope she can manage the diagnosis well.

as for my dad’s side, i must say events leading up to his demise and the subsequent ritual arrangements allowed me to see and experience another side of his siblings. i could see inter-sibling anger and disagreements and most importantly, how they have focused on the positive aspects of things and coexisted accepting each others' differences instead. for me personally, i had my own tensions when i felt my aunt had gone too far and intruded into my family affairs. but looking from another perspective, it reflected the closeness between her and my dad and how she had supported us (my dad's family). for that i am thankful. in a special way, i admire their closeness as a family and i do not think i will ever achieve similar with my siblings nor will i get the same support from them when i die.

friends
as usual, some previously rather close friends/ group of friends have disappeared or lessened their interactions in 2008. whether it was a deliberate act or not, i think it was not important. but rather, i see it as a function of a widening distance due to lessened contact, and perhaps different frequencies. for some of them, i personally felt a slight sense of betrayal given the efforts su how and i had put in previous years for one or two of them. then again, i reminded myself that there was no need to look back, feel betrayed or get sentimental over. making friends should not come with expectations. and much as there was a start, there would be an end. it’s a natural progression of things.

on a brighter note, i had also made some new friends - francis, thomas, ming, kevin and so on. they have shared many aspects of their lives with me and i thank them for the trust. and there was also the rekindling of ties with friends whom i had previously lost/ lessened contacts over the years - justin, lay pheng, hwee2, bunny... just to name some of them. for some of them, the rekindling of old ties allowed me to establish deeper levels of trust and sharing. most important of all, there were those who have stuck by me for the longest times and i am blessed to have them band around me (as usual) this year. they have been a source of encouragement to me many a times. to all my friends - the old, the new, the new old - i thank you all for your friendship.

increasingly, as the years catch on, i realized that it is friends who would be the main source of support for me, both gays and straights alike. guess it is nothing to be sad about. it is perhaps a common thing for gay men. for us, friends are our family and this, perhaps is something that a straight person would not be able to fully appreciate.

health
i have generally been healthy in 2008. there was the usual bouts of flu, fevers, and so on. but these were normal and there were no significant changes in this regard. err… perhaps in my waistline. heh heh… a case of decreasing metabolic rates i supposed. also, the usual pains, aches and problems were all related to the aging process and worsening cervical spondylosis. otherwise, there was really nothing that i should be extra concern about. and as i go into 2009, i will have to continue with my physiotherapy, manage my health, my food intake and of course manage my weight...

work
with regards work-life, things had been rather uneventful. this was my third year on the job and i guessed i have found my own water-level. as people always mentioned – first year you learn, second year you try, third year you adjust and apply. as for the security department, the drill of keeping them informed of my trips overseas continue.

middle of the year, my boss tried to get me to extend my service for another 3-5 years. but with the security side's disagreement, he finally gave up trying. despite all the assurance that the system is open to people of different sexuality (read `gay'), unstated rules and practices on the ground indicate otherwise. anyway, i continued my networking efforts and there were occasions where i actually thought i could get somewhere. my networking efforts came to a temporary halt when i eventually got my service successfully extended till jul 09. this extension was to allow me to achieve 10-yr continuous service so as to enjoy post-retirement medical and tax-free retirement benefits.

on the study-front, i have finally completed my masters programme and graduated in jul 08 with a masters in instructional designs and technology. this allowed me to add to my curriculum vitae an additional credential and i am sure would help in my career transitioning.

personal life
things remained stable between me and su how this year, our 3^rd year. thru the year, we both had our own tensions with our personal life and work. for me, it was about my studies and my eventual extension of service. for him, it was his trouble with the force, his eventual departure from it and his business venture with (ice cream & waffle) james and company. there were of course some slight tensions between us occasionally. the most significant to me was when i made my decision to hand over to him the bank account. to me, it wasn’t a simple act of handing back the account, apart from my worry that the money may not be used for the right purpose, it also meant the loosening up of the relationship and the lack of trust he has in me. but upon reflecting, it eventually dawned upon me that it was his money after all and that he should ultimately be responsible for it. more importantly, i will also have to give him my trust and not fall into my own trap of nannying him as i had with james (my ex). for what’s mine will be mine. what’s not will not regardless of whatever account etc that i may want to hold on to.

as for james (my ex), circumstances had had him moving his things out of the house eventually sometime jul this year. this, and the final renovation of my house saw the final erasure of all physical signs of james' stay in this house. and these, in a way, also signified the final end of the chapter. other than that, things between me and him remained somewhat cold and distant. he is now attached to jack and i do hope things are well between them. my correspondences with him remained the same – smses and that he continued to reply whenever he felt like it. whatever the case, i have stopped feeling frustrated by his late or lack of responses already. to date, he continued to bring sapphie out every other month.

finance-wise, this year was terrible. the financial tsunami saw my investments being depleted by more than half. then again, i shall not be too upset by it. yes, it certainly caused a big strain in my ability and buffer to manage my immediate housing and car loans when i leave service. but i should be able to tighten my belt and hold onto whatever i have at least for the next year or so. hopefully by then, things will get better…

conclusion
as i conclude this year’s reflection, i would say 2008 had been a defining year for me. as mentioned previously in my last year's reflection, 2008 was predicted to be a challenging one for me in many aspects. and it certainly was, especially on the family and finance front. the countdown would start in less than 8hrs’ time. have called su how to tell him i will be cooking dinner. western, fish and chips, without the chips but with lots of salad. it will be a quiet dinner, one that is most appropriate to sent off 2008. every signs point to a better year ahead for me and i certainly look forward to it.

gladly, i bid 2008 adios. welcome 2009.

new handphone

just bought a new handphone. cost me s$89.90. nokia 1650.

told the guy i need something simple with no frills and no no no camera...

he showed me 3 different models and described the features to me. nokia 1650 was my immediate choice because amongst the 3, this one has the radio function.

just what i needed to motivate me during my runs! hurray!

:-)

handphone free

left my handphone in kl. only realized it on my way back. so as a result, i have lost all my contacts. but looking on the bright side, my handphone has been behaving somewhat cranky and has been `hanging' on me for quite some time already. so, i have all the valid reasons now to buy a new handphone! hurray!

and of course, my life these two days have been very peaceful. no smses, no calls, no worries! heh heh!

:-)

kl & melaka

spend 2 days at kl and melaka. did nothing except indulging ourselves in the little enjoyments of life. and yes, there was one main highlight - fish spa. really interesting to let the fishes chew on the dead skin of our tired and sore feet... three of us were like little boys - giggling our heads off as the doctor fishes (garra rufa) crowd around our feet and feasted on our dead skin. we were saying that the shop should actually pay us for feeding their fishes instead! heh heh... other than that, it was shopping & eating, shopping & eating, shopping & eating, more shopping & eating. 'twas the same in kl. 'twas the same in melaka... so, there is really nothing much to write about...

:-)

cameron highlands 2

events and things that contributed to our experience in cameron highlands - greeneries, wild dogs, wild chicken (cock), winding roads, tree ferns, rubbish, bad roads in need to repairs, overcrowding, traffic jams, ambulances, equatorial cameron, musky smelling apartment, twin sofa bed with no pillow and blanket, low pressure showers, stars, halal twin-flavour steamboat, lousy filipino singers at chinese restaurant, very cool and beautiful weather, bak kut teh, mee suah bak kut teh, strawberries, flowers, cactii, dried preserved fruits, tea plantations, teas and scones (but no chance to eat), water falls, kway teow soup, lamb chops, salty cream of chicken soup, chicken cutlet (but given chicken chop instead!), apple juice, more traffic jams, chicken burger, fried rice, linguine, more of the same lousy filipino singers, night market, oranges, steamed sweet potatoes, mee chien kway, chicken tandoori, plain naan, garlic naan, teh tarik, crazy reckless drivers, more winding roads, bee's rashes & itch, schneider blanking off...

cameron highlands 1

we passed the customs at about 11am and arrived there at about 6pm after driving about 450km. would have been earlier had it not been for the car-to-car jam near the summit at brinchang. the weather was really beautiful. nice and cool. initial impression once you drive up the slopes was that you are heading up somewhere nice, green and peaceful. but this impression quickly dissipated once we got closer to the top. the greenery disappeared. there were heaps of rubbish, damaged roads, houses, traffic jams, overcrowded places and so on. very disorganised. and to a small extend, rather unsettling. this was so especially in the day time when you are overwhelmed with so many things to see. those were some of the impressions i had when i visited cameron on the first day. and with this setting as the backdrop, all expectations disappeared. i just wanted to have a good dinner and rest. and yes, i was really tired by then.

we took things slow and easy on the second day. and instead of spending money on local tours, we decided to drive around the area. managed to visit the cactus valley and the boh tea plantation. for the former, it was really nice and beautiful. rows and rows of flowers, cactii, fruits and so on. hibiscus, hydrangea, azalea, heliconia, grapes, strawberries, and so on. it was such a great contrast to the rubbished filled areas. and apart from the crowd, the boh plantation was also another good experience. the climb up to the summit allowed us to see the wide spans of the plantation. very pretty. very nice. we visited the night market that night. interestingly, the whole place looked different. whatever rubbish there were, we stopped noticing them. rather, the whole mood was very celebratory, and very `kamponggy'. certainly brought back memories of the pasar malam (night markets) of my kampong (village) childhood days. you need to be in it to explain the experience. and the cool weather (i think it must have been close to 12 degrees) certainly made the whole experience a very nice one.

it was my first time to cameron highlands. my impressions of large spans of plantations of filled with colourful flowers and miles and miles of tea plantation was not to be. well, at least for the flower part. it was also interesting to note that there were lots of beautiful greeneries, waterfalls, and at times, clearings on the way up and on the way down (we took different roads). but along the crest near the top, it was full of built-up areas, traffic (human and cars) and lots of rubbish. perhaps cameron highlands, just like most other tourist attractions is also seeing the natural progression of damage due to increase human activities, commercialization and so on. sad... ah well... was an interesting trip nonetheless. on the whole, i would say cameron highlands was a pleasant experience, a very nice getaway for the weekend.

:-)