2021 - burn out

This is a belated post. I couldn't write this at the end of last year as the many things that happened left me almost non-functional (burned out). I am in a better state now, and have mustered sufficient energies and motivation to start my reflections. While this post is written on 25 May 2022, I will be posting it using the 31 Dec date to keep the post to 2021. Here's a quick look back at my 2021 in a few short paras:

Work

Work featured greatly in 2021. It started with the company seeing a change in leadership at the very top. As a result, there were many changes downstream. For me, I saw new responsibilities being tasked to me as my corporate department restructure to better support the group. On the surface, all things seemed well, but health-wise, I ended the year in a horrible place. Thinking back, I believed several key issues contributed to this.

• Firstly, the boss. I was placed under a new person and I didn't get the support I needed from this person. He is a business partner, supporting one of the business in the group and his focus has always been to support his business unit (and rightly so). As a COE (centre of excellence/ expertise) at the group-level, my focus was, and has always been, to support the group. It was very tiring to constantly have to manage a boss who consistently chose to focus squarely on supporting his business instead seeing things from the group perspective. So, conversations to the likes of "I want you to do this for my business unit..." was not uncommon. Such requirements, while not unreasonable pulled me in different directions and wore me out given the absolute lack of resources (which I will cover in my second point). Coupled with his unfamiliarity with what I do, I ended up with a boss who was only interested in what I could do for him and who couldn't and didn’t give a damn about most of the other things my department cover. He also, in my opinion, could not give proper directions when it was needed. My routine weekly catch-ups with him was one-directional - for me to share what I was doing and that's it, no further sharing about what's happening in the larger corporate department, no updates on management decisions, going ons in the group, etc. I ended up working in a vacuum, and my effectiveness as a group function was heavily impeded. 

• Secondly, resource. It was a difficult period for the business and all of us were put on a cost-cutting posture. In such a state, resources were hard, if impossible, to come by. Nonetheless, my department's port-folio was expanded to include a new function and one team (read - one person) was transferred to me. I was also tasked to build the internal communications capability for the company on top of doing more for my existing port folio. It didn't help that the person that was transferred to me resigned immediately after learning of the expanded job scope. It took me almost 6 months to hire a replacement. In the meantime, I had to re-built the whole function from scratch with one young intern. While I enjoyed the steep learning curve, the need to continue delivering the KPIs set by the previous department head (that this function previously sat with) was  superbly challenging. And instead of being supportive, the boss kept saying things like - if the previous person could do it, I do not see why you cannot do better. It didn't help that the person I eventually hired wasn't my boss’ first choice (his first choice turned down the job offer) and he kept insisting that my selection was lousy and I had to be blamed if I cannot deliver. 

• Thirdly, tasks. As I had mentioned, there was a group business restructure and a new top leadership team. Naturally, many downstream initiatives took place - review of vision, values, business value proposition, organisation structure, organisational culture, people policies and practises, programmes and activities, etc. As a result, my department was pulled in by my chief (my boss two levels up) to support/ organise many of the activities planned. It was challenging especially when many of these group-level taskings came in last minute amidst all my existing projects and new initiatives. My boss also decided that it would be best for him to not be involved (as my chief had approached me directly) but what I didn't expect was for him to keep asking me to make sure his business unit did not "lose out" - "If they have, make sure I also have. If you cannot ensure I thus, I will not agree…". So yup, that was how many conversations happened, and I had to tread conversations between him and my chief delicately.

• Lastly, context. We were all working in interesting times. While the full locked down and going virtual in 2020 gave us the opportunities to expand our initiatives to cover employees from across the group globally, 2021 saw the demand for hybrid events and this naturally came with new challenges and learnings (e.g how to balance the demands of a global audience (and the logistics of virtual events) and that of a local/ regional audiences where things were done face-to-face. It was a really tough period with lots of stakeholders to manage and with wide and varied expectations. But that was how it was. To made all these even more stressful, we had to grapple with new people at all levels - as a result of the great resignation and new hires joining - people who are not familiar with the company, culture, processes and nature of events, etc. At the more senior-level, many questioned logic and rationale (and it was hard to explain legacy practises at times). At the ground-level, many had to navigate the company via "old birds" and yours truly here got referred to by many to brief this or that new hire (even from other businesses and/ or corporate departments) on this or that process (even if it has nothing to do with me). I tried to help as I didn't think it was right to leave new hires hanging. As for my boss, he was not helpful too. To start with, he wasn't sure of what I was doing (despite telling him again and again) and his natural reaction when anyone came to him with questions (from across the group) was to refer them to me... it saps me of much energies.  

Experiencing the 4 points above together repeatedly through the year (especially in the second half) was pure hell. It was a case of existing in a bad structure with a toxic boss, and having deliver more for my existing and new port folio, yet with limited/ no additional resources, and needing to be sufficiently nimble to cater to the evolving context of environment, process and new people. It reached a point where I got totally burned out and it took a toll on my health and well-being. 

Health & Well-Being

I started the year well enough. We were in a comfortable state, having worked from home for a good while due to COVID. Personally, I think I managed to achieved a very good balance between my work as my self. I was going for my regular walks, hikes, escapes, amidst the demands of work. Work-wise, I had managed to achieve a certain level of regular routine and the department was delivering good outcomes. All these, however, came to an end in Mar 21. Much changes happened after that. The country started the vaccination drive and I got myself vaccinated in May. Things improved and the country started relaxing the COVID posture but the COVID Delta strain threw us a major curve ball and we ended up tightening our safe management measures again towards the middle/ end of the year. Such developments saw us adjusting our social and work practices and routines. The uncertainty created quite a bit of stress. I experienced many bouts of illnesses, insomnia, stress, etc... and it got worst towards the end of the year. These were symptoms similar to that of depression. Shan't write too much about it (you can google about it). Apart from being burned out at work, I ended the year with a bad stabbing chest pains and decided to head to the emergency department and was kept in the observation ward to make sure it was not something nasty. It was a wake up call.

People Around Me

We humans are superbly adaptable. We make do with what we have to keep life as normal as possible. And that was what we did in 2021. It was a year where we continued to grapple with the COVID pandemic. The world over was still in various state of locked down. And in Singapore, safe management measures were constantly being adjusted in response to the infection rates/ emergence of the new Delta strain. Amidst this context, I was glad I kept up good time with my partner and my friends. We continued to meet in groups of 2s/ 5s/ 8s (depending on the guidelines) to catch up with one another. Visiting each others homes and heading to the supermarkets became a norm. I was also able to continue the routines of commemorating major festivals, anniversaries, and keeping in touch with my relatives. So, yeah... 2021 was as mundane as it could possibly be in this front. 

2021 was like a bad dream and went by too quickly. I looked back and I seriously cannot recall too much about it except that I was totally burned out by the time it ended. I have never entertained thoughts about resigning as much as I did when 2021 ended and with my health taking a hit, the year ended with a deep resolve to give myself time off for my health and well-being in 2022.

Nurses’ station

And my view for tonight - the nurses' station…

Winter Solstice

Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Dongzhi! 

Didn't have the chance to make it as I was at work. Will probably make it this weekend. And for the occasion, we ate a bowl of ah-balling at the restaurant. 

A definite must for us on this day of the year.

Fifty five

Yesterday marked the end of my fifty-fifth year on this piece of blue watery rock. 

Birthdays are very much "another day" and a non-event for me these past years. But that was not to be for people around me. I had lunches, dinners, etc arranged for me by people closest to me. And apart from meals, my colleagues also sent me designer chocolates, soju with gold leaf flakes, and one even went to the extend to make a beautiful flower themed dessert for me! And tonight, it will be another dinner. 

Thankful for the attention and the gifts. What matters to me amidst all these treats is the fact that I get to spend time with people that matters to me. And much as birthdays are non-events, truth be told, it felt somewhat different when I woke up and saw a retirement account (RA) created for me in my CPF account. The eventual end of my employment is within sight. Time passes fast when you passed a certain age… 

Here's wishing myself healthy and happy years ahead!

:-)

Bats entangled

It was a bizarre sight… 

Two bats entangled to each other and screaming non-stop. 

Here's the story. 

It happened last night during my nightly walk at the park. Usually it would be quiet and peaceful. But for some weird reasons, last night was very noisy. There was this weird noise that sounded like a swarm of cicadas chirping and it came from a very dark corner of the walking trail. It felt a little eerie. 

The sound didn't stop and continued for a good 10-15min and I decided to investigate. As I walked near the sound, I saw a black moving patch on the ground. I shone my torchlight and saw 2 bats seemingly fighting, wings fully stretched opened in full glory. I left them alone and continued with my exercise. 

Still the sound continued for another 5-10min. I went back to take a closer look and realized one of the bat had one of its leg entangled and wrapped into the wing flap of the other. They couldn't release it and were struggling to get it unentangled. It was a painful sight. I could imagine them getting exhausted and die there if they couldn’t release themselves.

So I tried to help them. They were aggressive and screamed when I reach out to them initially. I swear I could see the fear in their eyes as I tried to help. My torchlight shining onto them didn’t help. It must have blinded them. They screamed and struggled, wings wide opened, helplessly. It must have been traumatic for the 2 little bats - getting stuck in such situation and being handled by a foreign and possibly hostile human being.

I continued trying and “shhhhh” them to calm them down as I did so. And all of a sudden, they quieten down and folded their wings. The look of 2 shriveled small bats stuck to one another and in full submission to me was very surreal. I suspected they knew I was trying to help them. I turned them a few times and tried to decipher how to unentangled them. But no matter how I tried, I just could not release the feet. The wing flap was folded so much that the feet cannot be seen! 

Not giving up, I continued and tried for a good 10-15min and they screamed out intermittently. It was a sorry sight. I felt bad and helpless and I was about to give up when all of a sudden, they just took off and flew away! Just like that! They flew off swiftly and quietly. I couldn’t even hear any flapping sound! Well, I must have unentangled the wing and foot! It felt good to be able to help! Well, not that I knew what I was doing… 

:-)

Weird Dreams, Nasty Dreams

I have been having a lot of very weird dreams nightly of late. Some were scary, some weird (weird weird, and nasty weird), and last night, 2 dreams stood out. They were weird in that the backdrop of the dream was different but the incident was somewhat similar. Both dreams had a baby / toddler falling and rolling down a steep curvy road.

In the first dream, there was a toddler and he fell and tumbled down the slope. I chased and tried to catch the toddler but couldn't do so and he tumbled and rolled down without control. I vaguely recalled the toddler surviving the roll. 

In the second dream, it was a baby, probably not more than a couple of months old. I couldn't recall the start of the dream but I knew the baby fell and tumbled down a curved road. I tried to grab the baby when it fell but missed it. It then tumbled non-stop as I chased. I eventually caught up with it and picked it up. By then, it was totally limp and lifeless. The baby had died. It looked like the picture about but it’s head was totally red. The dream ended there… 

These were just two of the many dreams I had last night. Weird weird and nasty weird right?

Process of changing job

The commonly discussed process:

- review career aspirations 

- research opportunities
- review & update resume
- connect/ reconnect with headhunters
- prepare exit conversations
- etc

The less discussed items:

- review life stage vs marketability
- consolidate finances
- review financial commitments/ status
- review medical arrangements
- review long term plans

Job changes has implications on life and vice versa, especially so for mature persons like me…

6th Anniversary

Today 16 Nov marked the 6th anniversary of my mum's passing. Took leave to pay respects to her at the columbarium. Time flies but the scene of the last breath remains fresh in my head.

Change job?

All signs point to me being better off if I change my job. The reasons include:

• Lack of engagement 
• Lack of development 
• Piling work non-stop just because you can deliver 
• A reporting manager that come across as self-centered and very sensitive (thin skinned)
• A reporting manager that tasks things that, in my opinion, should not be done by me
• A reporting manager that at times do not seemed interested in what I am doing unless it impacts him

Here’re the reasons that’s making me think twice about leaving.

• Pay package
• My team 
• Having to start the whole process of searching, etc
• Having to start the whole process of getting to know the new job, people, etc.
• My age and thus, marketability
• My lack of self-confidence perhaps

Need to think hard about it… 

Burned out

Feeling totally burned out. Am gonna take an MC for it.

Masks off…

I'm not sure if it's just me. 

We've had masks on for the longest time I can recall (well, objectively it's about a year and a half) that I find people look somewhat weird when they take their masks off. It's like, they have bad teeth, mouth too big, upper half of the face and bottom half doesn't seemed to fit… 

Maybe I'm thinking too much. 

Heh…

The Grass is Blue

Read this posting in LinkedIn by a gentleman named Daniel and enjoyed it tremendously. Sharing it here and as a way to remember this very nice story.

—————— 

Next time you're arguing in the comments section, remember this story.

The donkey said to the tiger "The grass is blue".

The tiger replied: "No, the grass is green."

The discussion heated up, and the two decided to submit him to arbitration. For this they went before the lion, the King of the Jungle.

Already before reaching the forest clearing where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey began to shout: "Your Highness, is it true that the grass is blue?".

The lion replied: "Yes. True, the grass is blue."

The donkey hurried and continued: "The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts and annoys me, please punish him!"

The king then declared: "Very well. The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence."

The donkey jumped cheerfully and went on his way, content and repeating: "The Grass Is Blue. The Grass is Blue"...

The tiger accepted his punishment, but before leaving he humbly asked the lion: "Your Majesty, why have you punished me? After all, surely you know the grass is green."

The lion replied "Yes. I know. In fact, the grass is green."

The tiger asked "So why are you punishing me?".

The lion replied: "That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green. The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste his time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that come and bother me with that question."

The worst waste of your time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions. 

Never waste time on arguments that don't make sense... 

There are people who, no matter how much evidence and evidence we present to them, are not in the capacity to understand, and others are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and all they want is to be right even if they are not.

When ignorance screams, intelligence is silent. Your peace and quiet are worth more.

Refurbishment

My condo is undergoing a major refurbishment exercise. 

It started this month and will last till Mar 22. This is the second exercise we are going through since the condo TOP in 1997. The exterior walls and railings of all blocks will be repainted, landscaping works, resurfacing of the carparks, repair works, filling of cracks, etc. We can expect some disturbances, dusts, disruptions, etc in the months to come. It also probably means there will be no en bloc opportunities in the immediate few years. 

And yeah, it is still nice and welcoming renewal for the estate. It also adds to the reasons why I should do my own unit renovations soon.

Untying knots

Over the last months, I have made the extra efforts to untie some of my life's knots. It includes throwing away things from years ago, things that I have kept that held deep sentimental values for me, terminating contracts, etc. These are small ways to give myself space and releasing me from attachments to my past. Such little things weigh on the sub-conscious and prevents me from moving ahead with my life. 

Shan't say more about it. 

13th Anniversary

Thirteen years ago today my dad passed away. 

Commemorated the anniversary yesterday. Went to the columbarium to pay my respects to him. 

Time flies indeed.

Bat Mobile

These days under heightened alert status, the car becomes the next best place for all sorts of things… 

• Eg1, We cannot dine out and so we pack our meals and eat in the car. The whole squeezy feel is quite similar to that of eating in an aeroplane! 

• Eg2, We stay out most of the day and when we go for our walks, we do a Superman in the car (we change into our sports gear).

• Eg3, We stay out most of the time to make full use of our time off, we would sit in the car to rest between different places we visit.

Lol.

Insomnia

I'm getting insomnia all over again. It's the time of the year where things at work get really really intense and where I get totally stressed up. I will have very light or can’t sleep. And I wake up to the slightest sound. And often I end up sleeping less than 2-3 hours a day.

Ok, need to be positive… 

Think happy thoughts.

Good, Bad & Crazy

Have had many good and not so good experiences lately that kinda shaped my recent months. Here're the details… 

A friend announced she's pregnant during one evening when we gathered to celebrate another one’s birthday. She's been trying for a baby for a few years and things took a dive when she contracted tuberculosis 2 years back. She had to undergo quite a bit of treatment and that took a very heavy toll on her physical health. And being a little pantang (superstitious), I didn’t really say much when she shared the news. Was naturally quite apprehensive as it's still in the early parts of her first trimester. Let's hope for the best. 

Another friend was caught in a toxic relationship where her boyfriend cheated on her and got another pregnant. She wanted to hold on to the relationship and gave all sorts of reasons why she should do so despite being pushed aside, taken for granted, being constantly lied to, etc. Was a superbly messy state of things and was glad she decided finally to call the relationship off. Was roped in to counsel her by one of our common friends. It was not an easy conversation. 

A friend happily changed his job given his bad experiences with his boss, and the reputations and prospects of the new company. But within a month of joining the company he fell into depression as he felt he was not given the guidance and coaching he needed and worst still, he felt lots of work was thrown towards him even though was was new and not ready for it. He just couldn't take the load and the constant pressure to deliver. It didn't help for the fact that his peers tendered and overnight he suddenly inherited a whole lot of new responsibilities with no additional resources. He came to me for help and support. He needed to vent.

Another friend was not happy at his job as his boss (who recruited him and with whom he had a very close relationship with) resigned and the new boss who was based at another location and is an academic loaded him all the commercial and administrative responsibilities. He was a junior grade staff with limited experience and was expected to handle several key accounts, many major projects, etc. It took him a good 6-7 months to land a new role and during the period, he looked towards me for career counseling and advice. Again, difficult process despite me being in HR. 

Also, the conversation about my late parents apartment and how it is being managed kept coming up. My sister came to me and asked whether the issue had been settled. Frankly, I do not know. My mum passed away some 6 years back and things should have been resolved. I had also passed all legal documents to my brother and asked him to settle the post-death transactions relating to the house. Judging from the annual property tax that continued to be send to my address (as the legal representative of my late mum), I can safely assumed he has not done anything. This will, I believe, come to bite me eventually. I don’t look forward to that day and hope it doesn’t come.

My current house is way overdue in terms of renovation. It’s been almost 25 years and things are falling apart. Had had several issues relating to water seepage over recent years and my neighbours had complained to the management about it. Have kept off renovations for sometime as I had intentions to sell away my place eventually. With the recent COVID and stuff, I had delayed this plan and decided I should continue staying put, at least for a while more. Hence, the need to undertake renovations. Sometime late year year, I got me a little worried when I started noticing a foul odor appearing from my toilet and cracks appearing on my walls and floor. Whether it’s a result of the renovations of my neighboring units, I’m not sure, but certainly,   something bad is brewing and it is telling me I should renovate my place urgently. Had initially planned to do it in Apr/ May before my work gets intense but eventually decide to delay it to Aug/ Sep. I need to work on this urgently now despite my work that is killing me given the proximity of the end/ new year and the rate things are falling apart. 

There's been quite a bit of shifts in focus at work. Apart from restructuring, there was also new responsibilities given to me. I now report to a new boss. And as with such developments, we see lotsa resignations and people began to draw lines. So the existing arrangements of getting support from the various back support departments when I do any major activation events become unsustainable when these departments began to withdraw their support. And to make it worst, my new boss do not see nor appreciate what I am going through (I don't think he cares too) and continued to pile things onto me, even as I had protested again and again. It's not a good position to be in. 

And oh, I had a bout of bad experiences with mouth ulcers and toothaches. And I finally decided to have my root canal fixed. The left lower molar had been giving me lotsa issues and I decided once and for all to kill it. Truth be told, the dentist had previously warned me about this specific tooth some 2 years back but I thought I’d want to prolong the tooth for as long as I could. The procedure wasn’t as bad as I had previously experienced and the specialist was quite gentle with me. Glad it’s over. Finally.

These are a small number of good, bad and crazy things that happened but it should give you a view of what’s going on in my life. I constantly tell myself to be positive, to adopt a positive mindset and that there are many opportunities to learn and to deliver. But my positivity is wearing thin. Hard to sustain.

July is ending

Time flies and July 21 will end soon. These days, each week passes by superbly fast. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s age, and perhaps it’s the non-stop hustle bustle of work life. Anyway, let me capture some quick thoughts in this very random post. 

We are in Phase 2 (Heightened Alert) once again and it's a little more restrictive with no dining out and some minor restrictions with regards visitations. Also, it's work from home for all, as had been so since April. The thing about working from home is that it is easier to get burnt out given the non-stop meetings. And work is definitely getting more and more intense with a lot of responsibilities, new unplanned projects, last minute taskings from bosses, and lack of resources. In fact, I was near mental collapse many a times over the last 2-3 months due to work and had frequently thought of resigning and walking away. Nonetheless I have held on till now. Not too sure how long more I can do so.

Social life was not too badly impacted given the weekly catch ups and dinners with friends. It's probably the only thing that had kept us sane during this period. We had also made deliberate efforts to go out, keep ourselves occupied and avoid staying at home as much as we can. On the other hand, it didn't help that some of my friends are going through bad relationship patches and issues and I have been roped in to counsel them. While counseling is near second nature to me, I do admit it does have a small level of psychological and/ or emotional toll on me. Just need to be conscious not to let these sessions affect me too much, especially with all the work stress and all…

Ok, this post is a tat random. Just wanted to capture some of my quick thoughts given that I have not been actively blogging lately.

Crash

I just saw a sparrow crash into my balcony glass door and drop onto the floor. It struggled a while and before I could respond to it, it picked itself up and flew off. 

The sparrow must have flew in from the kitchen window, through the house and wanted to exit through the living room balcony. I can imagine how confused the whole experience was. I think it must have hurt itself when it crashed onto the glass door, judging from the loudness of the "thud" sound of the crash. 

I do hope it is well and that it doesn't drop dead from some head trauma while flying.

Respect

My group of friends (close enough to acknowledge ourselves as family) would hold hands and join 2 of them (who are a Roman Catholics) to say grace before meals even though amongst us, we have Buddhists, Taoists, and freethinkers. Contrary to some who may frown at this act as they might see it as sacrilegious and/ or undermining our respective faiths, I do see things otherwise. In fact, it reflects my respect to their religion and for that matter, reinforce my confidence in and faith as a Buddhist. 

Ok, this is a tat random. Am blogging as I do my evening walk.

WFH Tips

Been a while since I experienced my first time working from home (WFH). So here’s sharing some things I do to better manage my WFH schedule: 

• Eat my breakfast before work and something very light for lunch. Heavy meals make me sleepy. Have a glass of water beside me through the day and make it a point to hydrate well. 

• Strictly no meeting with my team before 10am. They need to settle their kids, elderly parents etc. But they can arrange meeting with me. 

• Block time for work. Learned this over time cos I noted people have the tendency to book my schedule as long as there's any slot unblocked (even 15min slots). 

• Block time to rest & have meals. Ditto above altho I admit I have not done this sufficiently well enough. But this must take priority cos very often I do end up totally exhausted at the end of my workday and have still not done any work, clear emails, etc. 

• Shower to refresh myself mid-day or before a heavy going meeting. It's the more effective perk-me-up measure and keeps me alert. And of cos, it helps that I enter meetings looking refreshed. 

• Drop everything in the evening, have a quick light dinner and go for my walks. Apart from giving me the break, it oils my joints and allow me time to either blank off (from work) or reflect about issues. 

• Make it a point to capture my reflections, thoughts etc - even whatsapping myself when I walk, or emailing myself before I sleep. Doing so can relieve me the burden of memory and allows me to focus properly on the present. 

• Make the effort to stay away from work phone when I rest and on weekends. Well, I do check but I don't react unless absolutely urgent and necessary. And when I do, I have the understanding with my team that I do not expect them to reply my emails unless I call them or text them (and if I do, it means it's urgent). 

What I need to do more - learn how to say no, and learn not to let my mind go on a free run about work, work and more work. 'Nuff said. So what do you do to manage things when you WFH? 

:-)

Local Tourist

Miss traveling. So, we’re doing the next best thing - exploring the island. There’s quite a few gems I must say!

Memory lapse

I had a little, just a very little frightening experience today. I was crafting an email and attempted to spell a colleague's name. 

And I realised I had forgotten how it was spelt. It was not an unusual name and I had corresponded with her many many times over the last 4-over years. But today, for the first time I forgot how to spell her name, and no matter how I tried, I could just not get her name right. I eventually had to resort to checking her name from the email address list. Even then, I had to do a few checks before I got it right. 

I hope such memory lapse do not happen again. Her name, by the way, is Jocelyn. Not a difficult name at all. 

Worrisome?

2nd Dose COVID-19 Vaccination

I have just had my second dose of the COVID-19 vaccination. It's the Moderna vaccine and I've joked that modern man choose Moderna. Heh... but jokes aside, I take this second dose at a momentous time where we enter heightened Phase 2 measures. 

Having been possibly exposed to a COVID-19 case in the past 2 weeks, I cannot understate the importance of being vaccinated. And much as I feel apprehensive about the side effects (of extreme lethargy and tiredness I felt after my first dose), I feel happy that I will have the protection from this virus in the days ahead. 

Be safe everyone!

My jobs, being grateful

This is a random post. 

I started giving tuition to support myself when I was in junior college. The year was 1983. I was given 60cents a day but it wasn't enough and I ended up with gastric issues. I was employed by a friend's parent to teach her brother maths, and science twice a week, 2hrs each session. I was paid $100 a month. Of the $100 I earned, $20 went to my mum to support the household, half went to my savings and the remaining was spent on sustaining my daily expenses. For my very very first pay, I bought my mum a gold ring. In the second year, the parents asked me to teach the sister too and increased the pay to $120 a month. 

It was end-1984. My monthly tuition income stopped. I found work as a convenience store assistant, helping out an uncle (my dad's cousin). Apart from manning the store, I helped pack hampers for them during the festive seasons. I earned $120 a month, working every evenings and on weekends. I increased my contributions to my mum for the household to $30 if I recalled correctly. It translated to $1 extra a day for her and wasn’t much, but I supposed it wasn’t the amount that’s important but the gesture and the intent behind it. Then again, I do want to believe it helped.

Jan 1985. I applied for a part time job as a traffic surveyor over a 2-3 month period for the roads department. Found the role published in the newspaper and decided to apply for it as I had some time before I went for my national service. The job required me to site myself at an assigned road junction and literally counting passing cars, turning cars and taking note of the directions cars were going. That was my first job with a professional company and my mum brought me for the interview. If I recalled correctly, I earned about $200 for the assignment that lasted 8(?) weeks. A portion of this pay went to household expenses. 

These were some of the earliest work I did. I would make conscious efforts to help with family expenses and save. I supposed these were values I picked up from my mum, watching how she toiled and how she sacrificed her own well-being for us. 

Be grateful.

Heartbreaking

It was a really heartbreaking moment, watching the funeral service of Prince Philip and watching Queen Elizabeth sitting all alone, head bent down, in prayer, in silence and in grief. 

It was indeed a funeral that was powerful by itself in its simplicity but no less dignified and very much meaningful to everyone who watched it.

My name

I have a name that is considered common yet there are enough variants of it that my friends do continue to make the mistake of typing it wrongly. Here are some variants, depending on whether you use the old British English, modern British English, American, Malay, Indonesian or some non-conventional versions: 

- Jeffrey (my name) 

- Geoffrey 

- Jeffery 

- Geoffery 

- Jefferey 

- Jeffry 

- Jefri 

- Jufri (I sometimes use this as my nick)

- Etc 

And just today, a close "friend-in-law", and a insta-buddy addressed me as Jeffery. I corrected her and shared a simple trick to remember the correct spelling - just remember Jeffrey is very fREe... 

Here're some nick/names that people around me address me by. Some are really affectionate (such as frey (my family calls me this), baba, papa, daddy, sistar, bitch, slut, or simply pa). And amongst the many, there are two that I can never bring myself to really accept. They are Bro and Dude. It's just me. 

:-)

COVID-19 Vaccination

Had my first Moderna dose yesterday. Next dose will be in mid-May 21.

Dreams

I’ve been having weird dreams lately. I guess it must have been due to the many things that’s troubling me at work. Most of the time, I cannot recall what my dreams were when I wake up. But last night was different.

I had barely dozed off when I started dreaming. While I couldn’t recall what the dream was, I vividly remembered someone being annoyingly insistent on me calling him (or her). And this voice kept repeating a mobile number that I was jolted out of my sleep. I quickly saved it in my mobile and tried whatsapping the number. A invite to join WhatsApp appeared instead. I tried texting it again this morning when I woke up but I was not successful.

The second dream I had was equally weird and somewhat morbid, if I may add. I recalled being in a huge traffic jam that apparently was caused by an accident. In no time, I reached the site of the accident. On the road, there were 3-4 dead bodies, 2 on my side of the road and 1-2 on the other side. In the middle of the road, there was a carcass of a dog. The torso had been ripped open and the stomach was exposed. There was a young dog beside this carcass and it was trying desperately to wake the dead dog. What was weird was that everything was in white, even the dog and it’s exposed stomach. The dream just ended there. 

Apart from concluding that these dreams were a result of my state of mind, I didn’t try to further analyse what these dreams meant. I guess it suffice to just say I am feeling stressed. And if this go on, I’m sure I will start to dream of my nanny or my mum (as they always have this calming effect on me).

Too chill? The new me...

I think I'm too chill these days. 

There are so many things happening at work, new responsibilities thrown at me, new team given to me, and the team is but a shell cos the incumbent decided to resign, expanded jobscope, new projects, current projects are not moving or moving too slowly, yadda, yadda, yadda... So much so that I feel damned stressed, get one helluva worried, etc. BUT... I don't seemed to panic, I am taking things easy and systematically, I don't feel a sense of urgency... I am almost mechanical about things! 

You kinda get what I mean. I cannot believe myself. As late as 2-3 years ago, I would have freaked out and have long sleepless weeks, months! Hmmm, I wonder what's happening to me!? Or is it that I am delusional and still believe that I'm in a sweet spot cos these responsibilities are given becos my bosses believe in me? Or I have accumulated enough social goodwill from my bosses and people around me that I will be forgiven if things fall apart? Or that I have the ultimate weapon to resign if things don't go my way? Or have I given up? This is a new me that I have not gotten used to. 

Hmmm... hmmm... hmmm...

Gathering of old friends

I met up with a two friends yesterday over lunch. We've not met for more than 15 years and both brought their wife and kids along. The last time I met them, one of the kid hasn't been born yet! 

We've all aged quite significantly. The conversation was an interesting one. Lots of reminiscing about the days when we worked in Florida, Tampa. That was before I was outed by the military. Frankly, I had totally forgotten a lot of the details over the years. I was not surprised cos I tend to forget about things after major upheavals in my life. 

And a clearest sign of our aging - we were comparing notes about all the health issues we have. Cardio, kidney, eyes, knees, ear ringing, yadda yadda yadda... the list went on. Hahaha... 

I had made very deliberate efforts to divorce myself from my military years and do not meet up with any ex-military people. But these two friends were different. Our path crossed when we were posted to FL. As the only Singaporeans there, we were more than colleagues. 

It was a good gathering.

Sense8

Been watching quite a few series on Netflix and many are actually very good! Currently watching Sense8. Mind boggling and truly amazed with the story telling and script, and not to mention - the great acting. Keeps me on edge every episode. 

Excellent!

“Fun”

Now don't get the wrong idea about the word "fun". What I want to say here is that things are getting "fun" at work. 

It's the period of planning for the new fiscal year and there are many many ideas floating around about what new things we should be doing. Challenge here is that many tasks that had become "biz as usual" have become accepted as a cultural norm and cannot be removed even as they become underrated and under appreciated. And yearly, we are asked to develop new ideas and tasked to take on new and more initiatives (that we do not necessarily agree with). I do not think this process is wrong per se. But this time round, it gets utterly crazy when the workload and responsibilities gets more than doubled, and no additional headcount is given and the budget cut by half... 

Crazy is the word. Overwhelmed is how we feel. Positively, I thank the recognition and the acknowledgment that my team can deliver but there is only so far positivity can get me and my team going. Things are getting fun...

Indeed.

Not a good year

According to the Chinese zodiac, this will be the second consecutive bad year for those born in the Year of the Horse.

The negative predictions include Horse people will experience ill health and falls if not careful. And whether it’s a coincidence or not, I had a super bad fall last week. Bad enough to have multiple bloodied cuts and bruises on my buttocks, knee and elbow. I also suffered several days of body aches and pains. On top of that, I had non-stop diarrhea on the first few days of Chinese New Year. Even today, I still have one or two runs daily. Whether the fall and the diarrhea are related I am not sure. I think I’ll have to seek medical help if this go on.

Sheer coincidence? I don’t know. Whatever the case may be, it’s better to err on the safe side when it comes to safety and health. And oh, Day 7 of the Lunar New Year is commemorated as the Day of Man (人日) and is considered every man’s birthday. So,

Happy birthday everyone!

Mother of ironies

America was great until the MAGA came about. America will never be the same again after 45.

Lunar New Year 2021

This is the first time since my mum’s passing in 2015 that I’m decorating my place for Lunar New Year. Been a while... Happy Lunar New Year to one and all. May this new year of the Ox be a better one for all!

Spring cleaning II

By right, we should have completed spring cleaning by now (it should have been done before 23rd day of last lunar month of the year, before we send the gods back to heaven - well, that’s according to Taoist practice and that’s what my mum did years ago).

But these days, I am not too sure who else observe such practices. I’m a more practical person and I do my cleaning on weekends, regardless of day of lunar month. Heh... and today, I threw away many correspondences of mine since the 80s. Frankly, I had been doing that over the years and as I do, I would retain those that I could not bear to discard. So, only those that reminded me of defining moments and people really close to me stood the test of time. Until today. Frankly, it as nice to see these artefacts again - the annual birthday cards, my 21st birthday cards, hand written letters, photos, thank you cards from people whose lives I’ve touched and whom I had made an impact, etc. I decided to discard most of them today. It was not easy, being a dead sentimental person that I am. But I must say - once I cross the psychological barrier and start throwing one, the rest became easier. I still keep a couple of items. But I do believe they will go one day, just not today. I certainly felt a lot lighter after the whole process. Once done, I will start wiping, mopping, cleaning etc. the whole works. 

And yes, I had also packed and move my mum’s bed to the storeroom, discard quite a bit of old clothes, donated most, rearranged my cupboard and it’s content, cleaned and pack my cabinets, etc etc. And this morning, I reached into the depth of my cabinet and took out the ang cai (a piece of red banner that is supposed to ward off evil and welcome good tidings after the gods leave the house) and hung it at my front door. Have not done it since my mum’s passing but I thought it’s about time I start to observe lunar new year more deliberately. 

It’s a good workout for a Saturday!

Tossing your salad

Well... I just found out "tossing the salad" is a slang for rimming. 

OMG. 

And in Asia, tossing the salad is something we do every lunar new year! And I really mean - tossing the salad - in all its literal sense!

Spring cleaning

It’s that time of the year again where I go through my cleaning routines, and clear away things. And as always, I am faced with the perennial questions of whether I should keep or discard things.

Spring cleaning is a really painful process. It’s not the cleaning per se, but the memories the stuff bring back, the many a times difficult decision whether to discard or to continue keeping things that remind you so much of defining moments of your life. I often have to remind myself that things past had passed and that these artifacts and the memories they carry with them are temporal in nature. In time, it fades and when I go, it will mean nothing to whoever clears my house. This helps me let go. And this year, I started throwing things that I had kept for over 2-3 decades, including the perfume bottle given me to by my first crush in 1996, and the many items I used to don during my coming out years. I have, nonetheless, continue to keep some stuff. It’s still too fresh in my memories to let them go. And so, my many of my mum’s things still stay.

Spring cleaning is not just about cleaning away the dust that had settled over winter and to give spring a fresh and clean start. Spring cleaning, to me, is also also clearing away old attachments and letting them go - couple of things at a time - and allowing me move on with life.

Eccentric old man

Well, I’m just reflecting on my life over the last many years and looking at how I’ve behaved and how I withdrew from people around me when things I don’t like happened, I really think I’m gonna end up with very very few friends, and branded as an eccentric and difficult person, for that matter.

I supposed an awareness is a good start.

Congratulations America

Let this be my first entry for 2021 - to congratulate our friends in America on a new beginning. New hope and optimism after 4 disastrous years.