throwing away my past

i did what i had been holding back for the last 5 - 6 years. 

i threw away all my military gear, ceremonial wear, medals, accessories, boots, belt, etc. everything. i had been holding back and today, admittedly, i hesitated for a while, but once i got the first one through, the second piece, the third, the fourth, and... it became easier as it went on. and in no time, i am free. i also tell myself - if they do call me back, i will just say i have no more uniform, if you want me back, make me a set and i'll go, but don't expect me to fit in into my uniform made 6 years ago. it is not possible. physically, and mentally.

i suppose one of the reason why it got easier as i throw was becos the military gear and all the associated accessories are like just the military. its all or none. nothing is meaningful anymore once a small piece is gone. and thus, once a small piece go, it is as good as the whole uniform. its an interesting analogy but that was how things were. when in the military, you conform, you are all part of a larger system. you don't deviate. if you do, you are out. just like a medal whose colour had faded. you do not belong to any part of the uniform anymore. and the whole system boot you out.

ok, i think too much.