need to create uncertainty

if there's one thing i can conclude after today, it is that i need to create more uncertainty in my routines so that mum gets use to it.

since i started work, i have been coming home at about 6pm daily. and on one or two days of the week, i will need to head to the chiro and thus far, i have rushed home and picked her up before heading out together. and i did this becos i would bring her out for dinner at the same time. and this week, i decided to take the public transport to the chiro and thus purchased dinner and left it for her. when i reached home at about 8.45pm, her face was anything but happy. in fact, she looked like someone had offended her... and i had to bear the brunt of her black face. thankfully, my sis happened to drop by and things did not go too bad. 

but the ultimate was today. and what happened was... as per routine, i walked home. and as i was about to reach my estate entrance, i realized i had left my keys in the office. i had no choice but to walk back to get the keys for without them, i would not be able to bring mum out for dinner. and so, in anticipation of her getting worried, i called her. i will be back latest 6.30pm. i told her. and i explained to her i needed to get my keys. ok, she said. indeed, i arrived at the ground floor of my block at 6.28pm. and just as i was about to take the lift, my sis called. she sounded terrible and wanted to consult me about how to manage her issues. well... it was about her daughters again...

anyway, the conversation lasted till close to 6.50pm. i couldn't take the lift as there was no reception in it, and i couldn't really stop the conversation cos she was really upset... and sighs... when i entered the house at 6.52pm, my mum's face was so superbly black it felt like as though the whole wide world had offended her. where did you go, why were you so late, who were you with, what were you doing... every questions that i could think of screamed out loud through her facial expressions and her body language. i explained to her about my sis talking to me. and she responded with disbelief. how can that be, how come you cannot talk to her upstairs, how come you have to hide from me, she questioned, one question after another, and her suspicions showed so clearly. from past experience, she was highly suspicious of me when she could not account for my whereabouts and always (for reasons unknown) ended up concluding that i was out with bee and his mum and we were planning to kill her. or something along that line. anyway, i explained again, and the last thing i expected was... she got even more upset and suspicious. and it was directed at my sis. how come she did not tell me and told you instead, i am her mother, what is there to hide from me, these days, she never tell me anything, i called her 3 times today, and she did not answer, and then she called you, she does not have me in her eyes anymore... she went on and on. and she wallowed as she voiced her suspicions at the same.

and before i could respond further, she said she's not hungry, she has no appetite, she doesn't want to go out... all her typical responses when she goes into her protest mode. it was rather draining for me. i acted blur, i tried very hard to sound cheerful, i changed the topic a few times... and tried hard to cajoule her to leave the house with me... it took me a while before she gave in. to cut the long story short. she continued with her anger, suspicion, moody, etc moods for the whole evening... as of now, she has gone to bed and she's pretending to sleep. it is obvious she's still in her moods but i have chosen to let her be.

and i traced all these to one event - i came home late. later than the time i told her i would be home.

moving ahead, i really need to throw in a few uncertainties in my daily return timing. need to get her used to some slight uncertainty. if i do not do so, i can imagine how bonkers she will go when work starts to pile and i need to work a little later in time to come...

haiz.