of birds & food

was having my routine breakfast of kopi-o and had a couple of fritters this morning (green bean fritters, hum chin paeng, etc) and noted a couple of pigeons pecking away on the floor. i offered some mashed green beans and next thing i knew, quite a few pigeons started to congregate. thought it was interesting and threw a few pieces of hum chin paeng too. by that time, 2 crows, a few mynahs and sparrows had appeared. the following was what i observed...

(1) pigeons flocked together when there was food. but they fought for their food like nobody business and ate it on the spot. however when faced with a crow, they dispersed... end of the day, each individual got the food, but to a certain extent only.

(2) mynahs were opportunistic birds. they also flock together when there was food. and although they fight for food amongst themselves, they generally left the pigeons to fight amongst themselves first. and they will snatch whatever flew out of the pigeon orgy... and they ate the food there. amongst themselves, they were generally less confrontational against their own kind compared to the pigeons. end of the day, they too got their food, but also to a certain extent.

(3) the two crows, on the other hand, did not fight amongst themselves especially in the presence of other species of birds around. they left each other alone. like the mynahs, they too were opportunistic birds. they would stand at the fringe and would grab any bits that flew out of the pigeon orgy. but they did not just go for any bits, they went for the big ones. but unlike the mynahs and pigeons that were somewhat social critters and tend to flock together, the crows were highly individualistic. and once they got the food, they grabbed it and flew off to enjoy the food themselves. end result, they were the best winners when it came to the game of fighting for food.

(4) the sparrows were the poorest and weakest when it came to fighting for food. i supposed it was becos of their size. they stood at the fringe and ate the leftovers (if any) after all the orgies... poor thing. otherwise, they very much left the other birds to fight and grab.

(5) common to pigeons and mynahs, if the piece of food was too big to swallow at a go, they'd hold it with their beak and swing their neck to break the food on the floor into smaller pieces before eating them. but in the process, they would lose a large portion to other birds around. for both crows, on the other hand, once they grabbed a large chunk of food, they fly off and ate at their own pace. and they did not break the food the way pigeons or mynahs did. instead, they used their legs and pressed the food onto the floor and pecked it into bite size pieces.

very interesting morning. it certainly allow me to see the little behaviours of our little friends. and certainly, the use of the term "bird brain" to describe stupid people certainly do not do justice to the birds. i actually thought they were very smart!

:-)

picture from http://nerdbirder.com/wordpress/2008/10/20/common-mynas-a-bird-a-day/common_myna_i_img_2393/

mouth ulcers

been feeling very heaty of late. and whenever i get into this heaty state, i get very prone to mouth ulcers. and i am very angry with myself for that... cos i have not been mindful. my punishment i supposed.

you see, a couple of weeks back, i started having my first ulcer cos i had brushed my teeth too hard and the edge of my toothbrush hit my gum. it bled. and as i was heaty, the little injury quickly developed into an ulcer. and it grew. and before it could heal, i bit my lips with my incisors while eating. this, too, developed into a major ulcer cos the 2 little holes grew and joined to become a larger hole. this occurred just as the first ulcer was about to heal... a week later (last week), as this big hole was about to heal, i again bit myself. this time round, it was a seriously big hole cos it was created by my 2 left molars that bit on my inner cheek... damned damned damned! i chided myself. and two days ago, i again bit my lips with my incisors...

arghhhhh!!!

rabbit chocolates

it never fail to please me to see all the rabbit chocolates being displayed at the cold storage near my house. and i see them almost daily when i bring my mum there for dinner. don't really know how to describe them... they do not look very nice per se. but somehow, they just make me feel very good... or bad...

haha...

picture from http://candyaddict.com/blog/2007/03/18/the-history-of-the-chocolate-bunny/

dislike

i totally dislike the new blogger layout... perhaps i am not used to it. but seriously, i don't find it intuitive at all! damned!

spoilt video

mum related to me how much she enjoyed the video at "work" last week. she said that apparently, this video was spoilt as there were people singing in the video but there was no sound. nonetheless, she enjoyed the session so much as her "colleagues" could sing very well...

it took me a while to realize her spoilt video was the karaoke...

haha...

ugly singaporean

was at the shopping mall during one of the weekday evening and witnessed this rather ugly and embarrassing incident. this was what i saw...

i was queuing up at yami yoghurt store to get a cup for mum. there was a guy in front of me. he was apparently trying to exchange a fully chopped loyalty card for a medium sized cup of yoghurt. but the service personnel couldn't do it for him as his card had expired since end-last month. grumpily, he walked off. and before i could even ordered my yoghurt, a woman (supposed the man's wife) marched up to the girl, raised her voice and demanded for the free yoghurt. she insisted that since the card was fully stamped, she was entitled to a free yoghurt. well, technically she was not wrong i thought. but the service personnel turned the card over, pointed out that the conditions stated that free yoghurt need to be exchanged before expiry date. the wife refused to accept the explanation. she insisted the girl must give her a free yoghurt. she added that we had all the boxes chopped before the expiry date!. the service personnel stood firm. mám, sorry, this is the condition stated and it is beyond me. i am really sorry. the wife was obviously not happy and shouted at the girl - "you people don't honour your own promise! hmmmph!" and she walked off.

hmmm, what a hostile ruckus over a s$3.40 cup of yoghurt. it was so obvious the couple was in the wrong. yet, they screamed at the service personnel. i took a second look at my own loyalty card and true enough, the words were typed out so clearly as part of the conditions! anyway, it was my turn to place my order. the service personnel smiled at me (in quite a resigned manner)... and said "i hope you understand, i am only an employee and i have rules to follow..."

i smiled. placed my order, took my cup of yoghurt and moved on. the behaviour of the wife was so typical of an ugly, kiasu, unreasonable and greedy singaporean. i felt embarrassed by her.

gritty eye

keep having this feeling like there is a grain of sand in my right eye. have had this feeling since last month. have tried not wearing my contact lenses for a week. for a day or so, it felt ok, then the gritty feel came back again. and i had to stop wearing my lenses again...

very irritating...

my mood today

my mood today is like today's weather. bright and perky morning. hot and sunny through the day. and by evening, for a short moment, there were sounds of thunder and the sky threatened to break into a heavy thunderstorm in the evening. but the thunderstorm did not come. within minutes, the sky opened up and the sky calmed down again...

let's hope the weather continue to remain calm and gentle this evening.

saturday

it is saturday again. did lots of housework... heh... wanted to bring mum to visit my bro but he said he is going out (although i suspect he is avoiding her)... so i end up sleeping through the day. just had dinner with mum and will be meeting schneider for a second dinner later.

have prepared her mentally about me going out since yesterday. but still, must have dinner with her before i go out. cannot not have dinner with her lest she end up getting worried about me wanting to abandon her and suspecting i meeting "bad people" outside and planning to harm her when i return... will be leaving house soon. hope she doesn't go cranky or that her paranoia sets in...

eeee...

sighs...

weekdays, i work in the day and bring mum out at night. weekends, i sleep most of the days, bring mum out in evenings and by the time i come home, i would be rather exhausted and would not head out anymore. and the cycle repeats. although bringing mum out has become a routine and not difficult, i am beginning to feel the toll on me... it is taking it's toll on my personal life. i hardly take dinners with bee now. and he prefers not to take dinner with me and mum. added to that, he has to manage his parent's illness and comes over only very late at night on some nights of the week. and when he comes over, i would be preparing to sleep, and he would play with his computer while i sleep. so...

of course, the bright side of things is that she is mentally a lot more stabilized and giving me less tensions. the attention given to her had helped to give her the security she needs. and while i could sense her refusal to change her mentality about people around her, she has shown a lot less stress as a result of her paranoia. well, of course, i could still sense and see her fears although she has not verbalized it. for example, despite being more open to going to my bro's place, she is still insistent on not eating the food my sis-in-law or the domestic help prepared.

sighs...

art of cruising

i think with advances in technology (specifically, in the areas of communications/ connections), we, as a gay community are starting to lose touch in the art of cruising. yes, as in totally totally losing it! i still remember the times when internet has not penetrated the society, where the order of the day was face-to-face communications, and little nuances in body gestures were important, where we take time to cruise, to romance and to court. and we gaymen were so so well-trained and acute in our senses when it came to the whole art of cruising, romancing, and courting each other.

during those times, we were so conscious of eye contacts, we were so conscious of using the right words (yes, you'll be amazed at how little words can mean different things!), of how we dressed (and little signals we gave each other from the different types of hankerchiefs used, where we wore our ear ring, etc), of how we projected ourselves, how we carried ourselves, and so on... we had to use our whole-being and all our senses to communicate. and as a result, our senses were so much more acute. we were so sensitive to little feelings of touch and we could feel each other when skin nears skin, we were so sensitive to changes in temperatures, where we felt the slightest change in temperatures as flesh nears flesh, we were so sensitive to sounds, we could even heart each other's heart go tump tump tump! and so on... and we took things slow, we pleasured ourselves in the whole experience of cruising, we indulged ourselves in the anxieties that arose from little gestures, smells, eye movements, lips movements. we took pleasures in feeling the anxieties of the touch of the other person's finger, hands etc, and how the fingers feel, and then crawl and inch its ways up our thighs...

and technology came along. it expanded our horizons, it brought the acts of sex from the privacy of the personal spaces into wherever we wished it to be - the bedroom, the car, the office... you name it. it provided us the convenience of peeping into people's private lives anytime and anywhere, and at the same time, allowed us to let people into our private spaces. it fulfil our secret voyeuristic as well as our exhibitionistic fetishes. cybersex, cam-to-cam, msn, you name it. i felt all these advances came at the expense of the physical communications that i spoke of earlier. it totally killed all the human dimension of cruising... of communications to be exact. people want things at an instant. when they want titillating moments, they have porn, when they want anonymous sex, they do web-cam (faceless), etc... no different from how a delicious bak chor mee is conveniently replaced with maggi instant noodle. and for many, a direct result of this instantaneous gratifications and blurring of cyber vs real life is that they totally lost the art of living in the real world.

let me share this experience. a real life experience. i shared it with my bee and he laughed out really loud. it is about cruising... ok here goes, i live in the east and within 5min away from my place is an industrial estate. this estate has a large piece of undeveloped land and developments are ongoing to change this piece of ground into a university within the next 2-3 years. this is also a place where i would do my brisk walks/ runs. it so happened that some years back (and still is), gay men started frequenting this area and it became quite a cruising ground. and on one evening as i was jogging, i saw a young person (i later found out he was 18/ 19 years old). from his behaviour, it was obvious that he was gay and was there for a quickie. he was strolling along my jogging path. as i jogged pass him, i noted he was on his phone surfing the net (i assumed it was grindr), he looked at me and gave me a dazed look. and before i could even say "the", he asked out loud "ah... you gay a-not?"... hmmm, such a direct question... "yes" i answered. a direct question should be responded with a direct answer i reckoned, and i jogged on. he continued surfing the net as he walked about mindlessly. "he was totally totally not my type lor" i thought to myself. thin like a teck-kho aka gala-pole, hair with fringe that is so long and unkempt it covered half his face (macam those in japanese anime), behaviour like a typical ah-beng (derogatory sense)... i turned back and could see him strolling up and down the same path. i returned after my exercise and as i did my warming down, he approached me again and asked another question "ah... you want to have sex a-not?" oh-my-f-ing-god! wah ranzzzz... what a question to ask! was i experiencing a generation gap? i gave a quick negative answer... yet, he persisted, "you want to suck my cock a-not?"... tsk tsk tsk... (of cos, the other way to look at it and ask myself was - i so pecha meh?)

i felt a little disturbed after that incident. i believe you would too if you were in my shoes... and i could only blame his crude and blunt questions to the fact that he has lost all abilities to communicate like a normal hot-blooded human being. and frankly, increasingly, i am seeing such kind of questions being asked. questions that i have never experienced before years ago.

picture from http://gay-singapore-bars.qguide.com/towel-club-sauna.php

三寸天堂

something that touches my heart at this moment...

:-)

停在这里不敢走下去
让悲伤无法上演
下一页你亲手写上的离别
由不得我拒绝
这条路我们走得太匆忙
拥抱着并不真实的欲望
来不及等不及回头欣赏
木兰香遮不住伤

不再看天上太阳透过云彩的光
不再找约定了的天堂
不再叹你说过的人间世事无常
借不到的三寸日光。
(repeat)

不再看天上太阳透过云彩的光
不再找约定了的天堂
不再叹你说过的人间世事无常
借不到的三寸日光。

那天堂是我爱过你的地方

old car

yesterday, i had to sent my car in to the workshop to replace the radiator rubber tubing. there was a tear on the tubing and steam was bursting out my bonnet lining so bad that it looked like as though my car was about to catch fire anytime. and i felt so awkward whenever i stop at a traffic junction cos people would be staring at me... heh heh... anyway, i to the service center and was told i need to get both the top and bottom (don't ask me details, i am an idiot when it comes to car parts) tubings replaced (which i did, no questions asked). plus some other smaller parts that i asked to change, the whole thing cost me $180! damned!

and just when i thought everything was ok, today my car started stuttering (if this is a correct word) as i drove home after work. thankfully i managed to get home safely. but this evening, i did a test by driving bee home in it. it died halfway. had to call a tow truck to tow it to the workshop... sighs... of cos the bright side of this story was that i managed to get a good and nice work out walking home at 11.30pm! very nice cool night indeed! i really needed this exercise.

ok, back to my car. perhaps it is time replace it. then again, i don't think i can afford a new car. or rather, i don't think it is worth getting one. just look at the cost of the certificate of entitlement! close to $80k! i think it is perhaps easier to get a second hand car, or perhaps i should just do the repairs and drive off the remaining 3 years of my car's lifespan...

best friend

i got a voice message from tuls today when i was in my boss's office. and considering it was all the way from london, coupled with my curiosity, i clicked "listen"... and lo and behold, his voice screamed out loud across the whole office "diamonds are a girl's best friend!!!"... thank goodness, my boss was not around and so was most other people... (it was still quite early), whew! and of course, i quickly snapped it off once the first syllabus screamed out... haha!

it was not until the end of the day when i actually listened to his whole message. and of course, i was careful enough to listen to it in the privacy of my car. heh! thanks my friend, thanks for the kind words of encouragements. it made me smile. yup, it's gonna be painful but well, i supposed even the worst will pass...

:-)

and yes, diamonds are a girl's best friend!

nice!

such a nice fluffy dog!... now... now... what were you thinking about? lol!

:-)

picture courtesy of my bee!

more diamonds

managed to squeeze in my medical appointment after mum's. and i showed the doctor the stone that came out. told him that it came out before the last scan but i decided to proceed with the scan as i wanted to see if there are any more stones in me.

he stared at me for a while and said that i did the right thing. then he looked at me and told me that there were at least 3-4 stones more in me. he went through the ct scan with me and pointed out that there was at least one stone in each kidney and one more in the bladder... he seemed very uncomfortable for the fact that the one in the bladder seemed to be located at area where the ureter opens into the bladder and asked me to return for another scan in 3 months. told me the possibility of having my kidneys damaged if the stones remain there and asked me to continue to flush my system. hopefully some of them would be passed out during this time... and he said i should return straight away if i get any high fever during this period.

hmmm...

petrified mum

both mum and i had a medical review this afternoon, hers at sgh while mine at cgh. had asked my sis to help bring her given the clash in timings but she backed off last minute becos she heard my mum had flu. she didn't want to risk getting the flu bug. in the end, bee volunteered to bring mum for her medical appointment. i knew it was gonna be tricky cos she always had this suspicions about people who are not her immediate family members. she always suspect they want to harm her... and so, the mental preparations for mum started as early as yesterday. told her that bee would be bringing her and went in to details of how it would be done.

accordingly, everything was arranged such that i would go to work in the morning, and i would head back to prepare her for the medical appointment after lunch. and after that, we would leave home together, and i would head to cgh while bee would use the car and drive her to sgh. she seemed ok with all the arrangements. and this morning, as an added precaution, i gave her additional medication before leaving for work. it was to calm her down as i was worried that she might get anxious once i leave for work. i knew it was gonna be tricky as she had gotten used to the elderly rehab routine over the past 2-over months. and immediately once i drove out, she called me and asked me if i have informed the rehab center that she would not be going there, and not too long after, she called me again asking me if i had passed the appointment card to bee, and then again, she called to remind me of... yup, she called me quite a couple of times. and i could sense her anxiety. i had to assure her that i had overseen all the arrangements and would be back after lunch to ensure all the nitty gritty arrangements are done (not that there was any in the first place)...

the morning passed by uneventfully and my meeting went on without any calls from her. i came home immediately after the meeting and sensed something amissed once i entered the house. she was not in the living room. i called out to her and there was no response. walked towards her room and sure enough, she had locked herself in her own room. i knocked on the door and called out to her. she opened the door. she looked frightened and expressed her relief that i had returned. she said she had locked herself in her own room as she was very scared. she was afraid that bee would bring "people" home to harm her... really, she looked extremely frightened. petrified to be exact. her face was all pale... and she kept repeating that she felt so happy to see me. i calmed her down. i decided that i should change my appointment date and instead bring her to the hospital instead...

sighs...

thank you

just had this very interesting conversation with bryan. told him about how i always get scolding from my boss. and his response was that everytime my boss scolds, i should visualize him exhausting his karma. and i should say thank you and do it again in my heart. this way, more good things will come and i will be happy.

interesting thoughts!

:-)

ps: actually whenever he scolds me, i do at times end up thanking him for giving me guidance... haha... funny rite? "yes sir! thank you for f-ing me!"

sorry

sorry seems to be the hardest word. yup, to most people it is. and so, when i get apologies from people, i usually accept it and move on. reflecting, i am at a stage in life where i hardly have any anger left, especially when it comes to people committing ernest mistakes. i mean, mistakes are mistakes after all, they are not intentional. and so, when it happens, just accept it, ask people to reflect, learn the lessons, and then move on. no point getting angry right?

just couple of weeks back, a staff of mine got into a heated exchange with a client and in the process, scolded the client. once he cooled down, he realized the blunder he had created and immediately came to me and apologized for the error in judgment and the screw up he had created. he reflected that he had said some things he shouldn't have and was willing to accept any punishments that i deemed fit. i thought about it and decided to let things be. was i weak? was i wrong not to exact a punishment? no, i did not think so. in fact, i told him to reflect on his actions, and learn the lessons from there. i told him that i do not fault him nor do i want to put blame on him. instead, i told him that when there is an element of anger, logic doesn't exist. he had allowed himself to be controlled by his emotions, and he shouldn't have. i concluded that i wouldn't be able to solve anything even if i were to punish him, what more when he got into the situation trying to solve a problem. he was just trying to do his work and in the process allowed his emotions to control him. i let the matter rest after talking to him. i had to face the client to settle the issue. i half suspect that he probably felt worst off when i did not even chide him/ punish him.

today, out of no where, i got an apology from a friend. that he had been careless with his phone. that he had inadvertently allowed our sms conversation to be seen by a common friend. and this conversation was about this common friend of ours, and where i had shared my thoughts about him. again, to me, this was a non-issue. he did not do it intentionally so where is the blame? i take responsibilities for the words uttered by me and i stood by it. i did not lie and neither did i fabricate any details. and since our conversation got out, so be it. i told my friend to let things be. que sera sera, whatever will be will be. perhaps it is best that my thoughts are out in the open. i will leave things be. if anything, i have to reflect on myself. if i had not shared my thoughts so flagrantly, this conversation and my thoughts wouldn't have come out to the open. it's really back to the most fundamental concept of cause and effect, i say and so i reap. karma.

sorry. yes, it is the hardest word especially if you have to utter it out. it takes a lot of effort, courage and conviction to say it out, and to do it sincerely and wholeheartedly. but it is worth every bit of the effort for it unloads you of your emotional and psychological tensions. yes, it is a healthy thing to be able to accept the mistake, take responsibility for it and apologize. and when you are at the recieving end of the apology, it is also equally important to take it graciously, reflect upon it and learn from it cos ultimately, a lot of such issues starts from you yourself.

ok, better stop here... not sure if i am making sense anymore...

ps: the youtube video probably has nothing to do with the post, but i thought the song sound nice and i kinda like the choreography...

no interest

i am getting very bored and unmotivated with work. things at work no longer interest me. and it has reached a state whereby i do not look forward to going to work. in fact, i do not look forward to anything related to work.

things are so meaningless to me now. regardless of how much effort i put in, i always end up getting scolded by my big boss. sometimes, i wonder why I even bother to put in any effort at all.

really don't feel motivated at all...

shopping

been bringing mum out almost every evening for the pass 2 fortnights. and yesterday, bought her 3 pairs of pants and can see she's happy. her moods have stabilized somewhat too.

:-)

alone

one can feel so dejected, lonely and helpless when everyone in the family choose to take the self-centric stance and not partake in the responsibility of caring for the parent, choosing instead to push the responsibility to you...

that is how i am feeling now. sighs. well, i guess life must carry on, cannot allow this ball to drop. the thoughts of resigning, selling my house and rebalancing everything in my life so that i can meet the demands of looking after mum did occur to me. but for now, push on... hold on...

sick?

never liked this feeling of wanting to fall sick but not sick. been like that for the last 2 weeks. well, ok to be accurate, actually fell sick last week, but pushed on. this week today, my throat started feeling grainy and i started coughing. this is likely to be the start of a bad bout of flu...

sighs...

i wanna dance with somebody

a big figure when i was in my uni days. we would scream like crazy when we hear this song. it was just that big amongst uni undergrads back in 1987!

:-)

your love is my love

a very memorable song... reminds me a lot about james... one of the many songs that would play in the car whenever we head out to town. reminded of this song when we lost whitney.

rest in peace whitney...

掌聲響起

掌聲響起, such a beautiful song. 鳳飛飛 was such a huge part of my growing up years. with her passing, we have lost another huge entertainment personality. and admittedly, i teared when i watched the 2-hour special produced to commemorate her close relationship with us, singaporean fans/ followers. to many of us, her unassuming girl-next-door image was really so different from the rest of the other "stars".

and i was glad they played this song at the end of the 2-hour show. it really gave the song so much so much more meaning.

don't know about you, but i will miss her.

:'(

black

as per sunday routine, went marketing and bought groceries to prepare for the day's meals. came home, did all the cleaning and cutting of the vegetables and stuff. decided to take a nap before i cook lunch.

when i got up, i noted mum had sliced the fishes and marinated it. reminded her that she should let me do the preparations and housework in future. and i went about frying it. i made sure i heat the wok well. certainly didn't want the fishes to stick to the surface... splish splash the oil flew as i lowered the fishes. left it for a minute to let it cook. but when i wanted to turn over the fishes, i had problems. they were both stuck to the surface. damned! must have been the wok. should have heated it longer, i blamed myself. after some difficulties, i managed to turn the first fish over, but the skin got torn in the process. sighs... what an ugly looking fish for lunch. no choice. when i tried to turn the second fish, i noted the skin had turned black! wah! wtf! how the hell could that happened? first it was torn skin, then it was torn and black skin! i decided i shan't attempt to get them to be golden brown. hurriedly, i removed both fishes from the wok.

placed the fishes on a plate and took them out to the dining table. and then i noticed my container of sugar on the table... my immediate suspicion, and confirmed by my mum, was that she had marinated the fish with sugar instead of salt! ha ha... that explained the burned look. the sugar was caramelized by the hot wok!

we ended up eating ugly looking (but still cooked) fishes for lunch (and fried vegetables of cos).

sighs...

ps: you know you have surpassed your mum and that your mum is way way way over the hill when you can cook and prepare things better and in a more coherent way than her.

white

when one grows old, the hair follicles' abilities to produce melanin drops... and the hair turns white... and i noticed this in dogs too... sapphie's fur has gradually turned whitish in recent years and her face now has a silvery tint. yup... white... colour of age...

and...

i realized i got a white eye brow hair 2 days ago...

doh!

wtf!

if this goes on, i will probably end up looking like some kungfu master... thick white eye brows... woooah! hahahahahahahahahaha!

office politics

i hate office politics. and i hate senior people who announce despicable things they do like as though it is the best thing in the world... what they did not know is that by announcing such things, it reflects more on themselves than anything else...

shame of them...

letting go 4

if you really love yourself, let him go...

make sense?... to me, it makes perfect sense...

letting go 3

if you really love someone, let him go...

very hard to reconcile right? one cannot fathom the wisdom of this sentence until one really experienced it.

letting go 2

for my second reflection, it is about another friend. and he cannot let go of his past.

the thing about our past is this - it can either energize us or it can haunt us. but when things come to an end, move on. regardless of whatever good, bad, happiness, hurt or whatever, they all belong to the past. move on. let go. we should not constantly try to live in the past. neither should we try to forget them. the thing about trying to forget things is that we end up remembering them. and our mind has this habit of romanticising things (even though we do not admit it) when we think about our past.

factually, the person we had loved before is not the same person today although physically, he may seemed so. the law of relativity applies even in this context. nothing stays constant. for now, we need to accept the present, acknowledge the past, learn from it, appreciate the lessons learnt, accept the finale, and look towards the future. and as for the person in our memory, we should put him in a corner of our heart, thank him for the common journey that he had accompanied us through before, and simply, keep him there. nice and warm. by simply accepting and keeping the memory in a nice warm corner of our heart, whatever misforgivings or hurt we have experienced disappears and what remains is a sweet warm glow. well, at times, we may even think back and laugh at ourselves. i know, cos i have been there, and done that.

and i am still doing it... old habits die hard. haha...

but what's important is - let go.

again, i know, for i have done that.

ps: don't yearn for closures... once people decide to move on, they move on. whatever closures you want, only you can close it yourself. not others.

letting go 1

i have a friend who had just suffered a loss. the loss of a very dear ex.

the loss occurred yesterday. and this friend is finding it difficult to handle right now. it seemed like there are elements of guilt, there are elements of self-blame, and so on. and i totally understand how he feels. the suddenness, the rawness, it can be very overwhelming. i feel his pains when i read his blog.

i have nothing to offer except some advise. advise for him to accept it and to try and see things from a different perspective. guilt, self-blame, etc is natural but is not healthy. then again, when one is overwhelmed by emotions, everything becomes a blur. most importantly, as one mourns, one must also recognize and accept that death is a fact as much as life is. but as we mourn, we must not romanticize, sensationalize nor impose a sense of guilt upon ourselves. we must consciously remind ourselves to move on after we mourn.

it is very difficult to accept things when death comes aknocking, more so when we feel it is premature. but what else can we do? in such a difficult situation, we have no choice but to try and see things from a different perspective. and i suggest - that although the physical self is no longer around, the person lives on in our minds and hearts. and in there, he will forever remain the person we loved so dearly. and this love will forever stay in our hearts. this, perhaps, is the perspective that would help us cope better when it comes to departures. yes, love is the only way to defeat death. with love, death has no place in our hearts.

when departures are forced onto us, we must all the more celebrate the person's life. for he had lived, he had experienced health, he had experienced sickness, he had experienced happiness, and he had experienced sadness. in short, he had experienced the richness of life. what more can we asked for for a person right? we should celebrate his life. we should accept his departure and let his departure teach us to live the moment, appreciate the people around us and live our lives meaningfully.

that would be the best gift we can give to the one who had passed on.

let go.

for now, my friend, stay strong.