auntie killers

the papers today listed a list of candidates, both from the ruling party as well as from the opposition parties, that are considered auntie killers. and ooooo, one of them (the pap candidate in hougang)... so soooooo yummy... he is so cute!!! the kinda "gong gong", yet smart, mixed with a little innocent, youthful yet mature look... can die man!!!

oh, wait... does that mean i can be considered an auntie too?!? hmmm... damned it!

:-)

(by the way, his name is desmond choo... ;-P)

ge talk

i hate to do this but with everyone talking about ge, it is not possible not to see, read, or hear about it. it is everywhere. papers, media - both old and new, people's views, etc... well, i supposed there is a lot of hype. and i have my mindsets. and i think there are many misinformation and misguiding going around, especially in online publications like temasek review, mr brown and online citizen (noted these websites tend to post a lot of things but are often incomplete or skewed). hope that end of the day, i just hope everyone can put the nation above self, national interest above self/ community interest, put in the effort to seek out the truth, see the need and not the greed. and let common sense prevail...

(although i know it is quite impossible, especially amongst the younger generations...)

lwe

i ended this week on a high note. and it's been quite a long while since i felt good. got my budget to hire a manager, host a visit that ended very well, finished this year's ranking and the released results were, well... ok... heh heh... it's labour day soon. it's time for a good break!

:-)

number "7"

should we go to marina bay sands? or marina square? or raffles city hong kong restaurant? and in my mind, i thought of ocbc building executive restaurant, or uob plaza, or... in the end, it was a simple dinner at cedele. shared a soup, a main dish each, and shared a devil's chocolate fudge. simply lovely. with this, we commemorate the start of our seventh year.

end of 6th year

time flies...
.

- this night marks the closing of our 6th year together -

tomorrow we start our seventh year!

:-)

monies

how do you get money back from people who owes you money?

cough cough

i have gone back to the sinseh again. i think this was the 5th time. she was flustered. oh you again! she must have thought. from her words - "aiyoh, your cough is very difficult hor, usually people takes one or two visits, but for you, till now, it still refuses to go away... very difficult very difficult. not common, very very few people are like that..." but well, at least she said "pai seh, bu hao yi shi"... and once again, she told me she will try to adjust the medication again. and hopefully, this time round, my cough will go...

and of cos, feeling a little apprehensive about whether the cough will really go, i asked "will it really go? as in really really go? no more cough? is it a realistic outcome?" she replied yes.

for that, i am assured.

:-)

templated people

time and again i have made this comment and i have finally decided to put it in writing...

i find a lot of gay men looking like one another... well, nothing wrong with that. but it is really disheartening to note that despite all the many different clothes, fashion, looks, etc... there is still such a huge convergence in terms of the dressing, the hairstyle, the mannerism, etc. and of course, amongst the many gay persons, it seemed evergreen to have people pursuing beauty, fun, fame, parties... the superficiality of things... sometimes, i must admit i feel tired seeing many of the older ones still partying, still pretending they are in their 20s (despite them being in their 40s/50s) after all these years...

well, for the younger ones, i guessed it is normal. and frankly, i have been through all of it. i supposed everyone is simply living their time. but for the older ones, i think as long as they are happy, i supposed it is good.

:-)

ps: well, i know the pic has almost nothing to do the post, but it is just too controversially singaporean not to post this... and of cos, i love the curve of the crescent moon! and a whole new meaning to it too! can almost sing the song with this twisted lyrics "there's a new moon arousing... out of the steamy scenes..." haha...

pps: and as i surf the net, i was tickled by this one comment about the picture above. it went something like this: "the sad part about the trunks is that all of them (wearing it) look so flat"... haha!

weekends

somehow, these days, i find myself not looking forward to weekdays. i find myself getting into this half a heart feeling on sunday evenings. i supposed it is similar to those nsfs book in feeling that many spoke about (and that i have never experienced before).

perhaps this is a case of heart is not at work. frankly, i am finding myself looking for excuses to not go to work. should i report sick? should i "ponteng"? should i take leave? should i... i just don't feel motivated at all!

hmmm... damned! tomorrow is monday again!

...

3 generations

so often i have heard of the saying that nothing last more than 3 generations - first generation to build, 2nd generation to maintain, 3rd generation to squander and to waste. from the values perspective, i see it as such - first generation - hungry, hardworking, strive to fulfil the need. second generation - best of both world, saw the need, but may not appreciate the hunger, built upon success of first generation. third generation - no longer about the need, but about the want. greed has set in. complacency too. demands for their "rights". sees the "wants" as their right to have.

looking at our local context - my grandparent's generation - the needful generation. my parent's generation - the sustaining generation. my generation and beyond - the greedy people.

and it seemed pretty true. everything about my generation is about greed. 3-room flats, want more, want bigger house, want car, want good life, want free education, want better health care, want better roads, want etc. jealous of minister's pay cos if the minister have this kinda pay, they also want... doesn't matter what kinda scope or responsibilities the ministers have to shoulder, simply jealous becos they have high pay (notice the word "want" and not "need"). and all these brings to mind a simple sentence i remember that gandhi spoke off - "in this world, there is enough to feed all the need, but not enough to feed all the greed". becos of greed, they see what they want to see. when they see reserves, they see money, it fuels the greed. it does not matter that reserves in value may not equal to reserve in dollar signs. ignore the fact that reserves in singapore is no different from oil in say brunei... just give me the money, the house, the car, etc... it is mine afterall. and when faced with foreigners, maintain the fact that foreigners are stealing the jobs, does not matter that the jobs were there in the first place, just that locals don't want to do it cos it is {fill in the blanks}.

ok, just me babbling... you may not agree with me. but don't start to flame me. we all have to agree to disagree. and i am writing this cos i am so tired of all the lines that reek so much of jealousy and greed i see everywhere... and no... i am not a white shirt supporter per se. i am a singapore supporter. whichever party that can be objective, takes a long term view, have policies that are pro-people, get the macro policies right and if people falls off the cracks, look after them at the micro-policy level (eg impose gst, but, give rebates to the poor, impose the erp but improve public transport, etc), i will vote for them.

then again, if they can get the macro and micro policies right, yet i have many other policies that i do not agree, i will simply spoil my vote - esp if there are no other credible party that i can vote for. and that, is the right thing to do. voting for a less than solid party will only mean destroying the country's future. and i am not ready to shoulder that responsibility or rather, burden. i do not vote for the sake of voting. and i do not oppose for the sake of opposing.

disillusioned

dear blog,

i have made many attempts in my whole life of 40 over years to find a religious belief and read widely to find one that i can align myself with. and even after finding it, i continued reading. i wanted to know my religious beliefs better. i wanted to know how to be a good religious person. and at certain point, i told myself i wanted to give back. and i volunteered. and through this, i manage to interact with many people with deep convictions... yet, amidst all these people i met, i have not come across one who is able to fully practise the truth. every person i knew who professed themselves to be good practitioners are so clearly full of angst. so full of themselves. so full of attachments. they have so much views of everything. sometimes, they use the concepts of loving compassion to give themselves excuse for criticizing things, especially politics. and they have many many attachments. from highly political stuff to daily mundane things. but from my perspective, i was clear that they have so much ignorance, greed, jealousy and anger in them.

all these are so clearly shown in this period of general elections. i see and hear about critical comments about minister's pay, about housing, about choices, about lots of things. i see people blaming for the sake of blaming. i see people siding with specific parties for no logical reasons other than to oppose ruling parties. i am not sure if all these translate to compassion. if i may extrapolate the idea of compassionate love in the context of the general elections, it is to vote for the right party. for the party who puts citizens above themselves. to judge a party for it's ability to deliver services to people on a nett-nett basis rather than to single out a couple of grievances here and there. to judge a party by it's effects on the population as a whole rather than how oneself has "suffered". and to do so, one has to do research to understand why policies like gst, erp, minister's pay etc are implemented. to fully understand the issue. after all, the first thing i have to be aware of and that my religious teachings tell me is to clear myself of ignorance. then again, for many people, i see a case of them seeing what they want to see. they have already made the conclusions. they have already blinded themselves to things around them. sad. disappointed. but what can i do...

all these aside, at the monastery, i see greed. i see exploitation in the guise of seeking assistance. i see politics amongst different sects. i seek greed amongst teachers who have taken the vows. frankly, i am rather disappointed. i am not sure how i want to partake in the community's journey. i have thoughts of going at it alone. of searching for my own truth. no, i think i have found the truth. i only want to do it alone. to self-cultivate. to self-reflect. to self-develop. to strive alone...

i am disappointed. and to a certain extent, disillusioned.

how?


yours sincerely,

your writer

should i or should i not

have been volunteering as a sunday school teacher for a while now... and i really feel like dropping it now. finding it hard to balance things and for now, i think i need my sunday time to catch up with myself. don't find it useful to have to keep questioning myself and doing soul searching on sundays as to whether i am being a good teacher if i have to question my own decision to volunteer...

on the other hand, the principal is asking for me to stay till the end of the year. should i stay or should i leave?

hmmm...

new phone

well, this week, i got new windows phone. actually, i got the phone by chance... you see, my omnia had been cranky for quite a while already. but since i had my office blackberry, i thought ah... what the heck, just use my office number. and so, i survived with my blackberry for the past couple of months. and this week, i decided to drop by the singtel shop to check the status of my phone upgrade status... and guessed what! - they told me i could get a free lg windows phone if i extend my contract for 2 years. well, why not right? haha... so i got it.

but well, in my attempt to copy my numbers from my old phone to my new one, i mistakenly deleted all my contact numbers... hmmm... might as well too right? time to do housekeeping for my contact list too. and so, i announced my lost in my facebook status update. and if people are interested, they will drop me a message with their numbers...

:-)

grass

the year was 1996. the month was nov. i was madly in love with someone who had dragged me out of the closet just a couple of months back. he was not the least interested in me i must say. to him, i was nothing but a one night stand that turned into a nightmare that kept pestering him for a relationship. it was non-stop paging, phone calls, etc. but he was nice to me, he entertained my calls and pages. anyway, in nov, he had planned a trip to toronto (if i recalled correctly) to settle some admin about his property there and would be there with his ex (whom he had broken off a couple of months before i got to know him). i was so filled with jealousy knowing that they would be going there together. i had wanted to go along to be with him... i didn't in the end. after he left for canada, i cried daily. i would curl up in the corner of my room and just cry uncontrollably. i was devastated, thinking about him spending time with his ex. i was so overwhelmed with jealousy thinking about how he would sleep with another person... it was a torture.

when he returned, he gave me a bottle of perfume. gap, grass. to me, being a very unexposed aka sua gu person, i didn't know much about perfume. i didn't even know what gap was. anyway, being in a state of deep infatuation, the perfume was like my life, it represented him. up till then, i was a polo ralph lauren person. but gap grass came along. i used it daily. in fact, i used it till the very last drop... towards the last few drops, i was so reluctant and tried by all means to slow the usage by trying to use as little as i could... but all too soon, the day came when the bottle of perfume finished. i kept the bottle. and every now and then, i took it out and smell it. it meant the world to me. the person might not have wanted to be together with me. he told me he was not ready to start another relationship given that he had just ended a 4-year relationship. i told him i would wait for him for 5 years. i did. well, almost. even after he gave me the cold treatment for 2-3 years after that, i waited. eventually, after almost 4 years, the feelings cool down and and by then, i decided i should move on...

it was kinda weird. during that 4 years, i experimented with relationships, yet i harboured hopes of getting back together with him. i waited... there were at least 3-4 other possible yet failed relationships during that period. some, i wanted, some, the other party wanted. but all did not work out... i was very confused with myself. and i ended up very jaded.

until james came along. and i told myself i would give relationship a chance...

ok, back to the perfume, after finishing the perfume, i kept the bottle. it was easily within my sight since then. it has been 15 years. and during these times, it stood beside all my other perfume bottles. whenever i do my annual spring cleaning, i would take it out, dust it clean and i would take a deep sniff. the faint grass smell is still there. and smelling it reminds me of him... we are friends now. not particularly close per se. i have moved on long ago. yet being able to communicate with him once a while through facebook, sms etc gives me a very warm feeling. he is like a family member. someone who is still able to create a warm glow in my heart. someone who is near, yet far. and far, yet near...

well, regardless of distance, he will always be somewhere in my heart.

:-)

misalignment?

for the pass 2 weeks, every time i briefed on anything, or say/ try to justify for anything, i would always get thumbed down by my boss's boss. not a pleasant experience. up to a certain point, it felt like a personal attack. when i told this to one of my staff, he likened it to a tsunami... senseless killing with no mercy. no point trying to convince him of anything. it seemed like everything that came out of my mouth sounded wrong to him. and even before i can give a proper response to his question, i would get comments from him that sounded like a dressing down. it was very distressing... let's hope he lighten up this coming week...

if this were to go on, i will probably resign.

life is too short to be put through such senseless stuff.

relieved

sometime back, i blogged about my brother-in-law and the growth in his throat. well, the test results are out. nothing related to cancer. and am glad to note that it is merely an issue with reflux. let's hope he can now put this unpleasant experience behind and move forward with life. and i am sure he will be able to better appreciate life henceforth!

:-)

like a lifeguard

was at the pool earlier on and as i was leaving, i saw a good friend of mine walking in. his eyes were locked onto the 2 bears, in swimming trunks and who were walking towards the bathroom, so much so that he totally missed me even though i was directly in front of him. i called out to him. he did not respond. in fact, his eyes were still so locked onto the 2 bears that everything around him seemed to have disappeared! ha! i used my finger to poke him (yes, i was that close to him)... and he startled and looked at me in a daze... oh, oh, hi... he said sheepishly... hi, i responded with an equally cheeky grin... he apologized. and almost instantly, he added, so sorry, so sorry... i thought you were the lifeguard...

hmmm... if our lifeguards were young, jock, and cute, i would have smiled... but considering our lifeguards were all uncles, and often ugly [ok, i am being mean here]... doh!!! heh heh. then again, i supposed the truth is always painful. but yes, quick, off-the-cuff remarks are usually the closest to the truth. thank goodness, i am so so over the fact that i am already uncle-fied. so in that sense, i didn't feel offended. i laughed it off. oh, oh... he quickly added, your tee-shirt colour, very much like the lifeguard tee-shirt... that's why... and the conversation tapered off... sometimes, the more one tries to justify things, the more off one gets!

hahaha! ya, right...

heh heh...

:-)

ps: the photo is obtained from the net and far as i know, is not copyrighted. it is meant to illustrate what the built of a typical singapore lifeguard is like and not to embarrass any specific individual.

weighing scale

was at ikea checking out the office chairs and saw some weighing scales. and i thought it was a good idea to replace the one at home. the one at home has been rather inconsistent as always show my weight to be between 69.5kg to 71kg these days. so i took one of the weighing scale on display and stood on it and it showed 75.0kg.

i placed it back immediately.

i think the one at home is good enough for me.

heh heh...

office fengshui

had drinks with uni friends over the weekend... and they all gave me some (and uncannily similar) advice about my office. they include (1) don't move to the center, stay at the corner of your building, that is usually where power (and bosses) resides, (2) you should have your door opening towards the right (dragon door) rather than open to your left (tiger door). a dragon door brings good luck, a tiger door will clash (3) you should face your door, facing away from your door invites disaster cos you cannot react when the disaster approaches you, (4) you should avoid seeing things that are not ausipicious from where you sit. this include the toilets, (5) the length of you fluroescent lights should not be pointing towards you, instead, it's length should be facing you, (6) change your office chair, especially if your chair was the same one your predecessor sat. for that matter, if you have a choice, you should change even the table...

based on the above, let's see where i stand... (1) ok, [shall decide not to change office now] (2) fail, [shall move my door now] (3) ok, (4) fail, [i currently face the toilets] (5) don't know, [must check] (6) fail, [my chairs and tables are left over from my predecessor, in fact my staff told me, the chair was bought by my predecessor himself]... hmmm... am buddhist and should not be superstitious. then again, something tells me it's better to be safe than sorry...

:-)

ps: the feng shui picture above was taken from the following url http://fawnachang.wordpress.com/2008/06/26/basic-feng-shui-tool-the-bagua-map/

easily agitated

i find myself very easily agitated these days. i would lose my cool very quickly. just today, i lost my temper with my mum's doctor. within split seconds of talking to her, i was already scolding her. shan't go into details, but yes, that was how fast my mood can change. but somehow i am not too bothered about it. in fact, i am a little enjoying it cos i can feel and sense people getting a little wary of me now. i am rather different from my usual mr nice and cool persona that i have projected so far...

and in a huge way, by being a nice guy, i always end up getting taken advantage of, people don't place any sense of urgency when they do things for me... it's like aiyah, don't worry la, if wrong, boss won't scold one... he no anger one... so... yup, now at least people seemed a little more careful around me.

and i am enjoying it somewhat.

:-)

new readers from up north

recently, from the comments i recieved, i concluded i had a couple of new readers from my neighbouring country up north - malaysia. visited their blogs and found them pretty interesting! not a habit of mine per se, but yup, it's nice to read other people's blogs once a while. somehow, it kinda gave me a peek into other people's lives. and reading what they wrote gave me a glimpse of what they saw, felt and experienced in their lives...

nice. interesting. many things they wrote resonates with me. the encounters, the relationships, the ups and downs, the happiness, the frustrations, etc... and it also struck me how similar we are, altho we are from different side of the causeway. and hmmm... and while i skimmed through their writings and reading the comments in their blogs, i realized - i am probably twice their age! hahaha! made me feel so old suddenly...

:-)

negotiating higher pay

it was something i had wanted to do for a while now. i have always felt i was underpaid. and the market surveys i looked up all suggested so too. but i didn't know how to go about doing it. i didn't know how to open my mouth. and last night, while having drinks with some friends, we spoke about it and lp shared with me how she did it... go straight to the point. ask what they expect of you, then tell them that "hey, this is the market rate. you want me to do all these things, then my efforts need to be justified..."

sounds easy enough.

but really, it is damned difficult...

hmmm...

alone

have been alone last few days since bee went over the bkk. and in the last few days, i have watched so much porn, i got a little tired of it... heh heh... hmmm... and at this rate i am going, i am gonna end up being branded as a person with psychological problems, loner and prone to suicide... and i can bet people will say - see! i tell u, gay men are all sex crazed, mental people... hahaha!

glad the weekend has been a restful one!

:-)

withdrawal symptoms?

well, it's close to six pm now. and all of a sudden, i felt a little disoriented. for the past month, my routine at this time was to visit the hospital to accompany my mum. it had become my daily routine. my mum was discharged this morning. and now, suddenly, i fell a little lost...

haha... withdrawal symptoms... or... no la. just a change in routine...

a good change i must say...

:-)

western pureland

was having drinks with my, lp and lk last evening. we were talking about lots of things in life and somehow the topic drifted to buddhism and the hungry ghost festival. and i shared my views about ullambama and how the seventh month is supposed to be a good month instead of a bad month. and there were some differences in views about how buddhism views this month. i was trying to explain how buddhism in china had evolved to the point where many buddhistic practises and china culture became intertwine.

well, my had many differences in views. i couldn't help but felt a little uncomfortable with how my tried to defend his views that hungry ghost festival is part of buddhist rituals... along the way, issues of taoism, confusianism, chinese history came in. anyway, i shared with him my views of things. he said some of my views are very extreme and out of the world (well, i cannot recall the exact words he used). the way he said it made it sound like i was very unorthodox and very wrong. i didn't respond except that i suggested that perhaps he can read up more. i was not about to defend myself. there are just too many possible views about buddhism and everyone is entitled to his views about it.

the topic went around several issues too and one of which was about pure land buddhism. he went on to insist that buddha had himself spoke about pure land buddhism. well, i did not know enough to go further except that perhaps buddha did, but to me, regardless of which buddhism, all are the same to me. and i shared that perhaps concepts of pure land buddhism took shape after buddha's passing and evolved as part of the mahayana tradition. he insisted that pure land buddhism is the best amongst all and that is the surest and shortest way to nirvana. he claimed that even buddha said so. i did not rebutt. but to me, there is no best or less best buddhism. all are different ways to attain elightenment. also, i don't believe there is a surest and shortest way. but well, i chose to agree to disagree.

i left the conversation at that. i suggested that if he could afford the time, he should attend the courses at the temple to find out more.

brother-in-law

last week, my brother-in-law went to see a doctor for bleeding nose. and the doctor found an irregular pea-sized growth in his throat. the doctor removed the growth last tuesday. along the way, during the minor op, they found another growth. that, too, they removed. they are awaiting the test results now. and both my sis and brother-in-law are anxiously waiting.

these are the facts of the issue. but when i smsed and asked her if things are ok, her responses went something like - how come these kinda things happen? he is still young, we are all very worried. etc... well, natural responses of anxiety. nonetheless, i cannot help but realize this - often, it is not the illness that kills us, it is our own pessimism and worries that kills us. hopefully, my sis and brother-in-law can make this period of waiting into opportunities to spend and appreciate each other better. to love and to cherish the family. to appreciate the fact that this is a timely reminder of the need to live in the present and appreciate and love the people around. to not sweat the small stuff. to see beyond everyone's small and often petty flaws...

i wish my brother-in-law peace of mind, strength and love.

crash!

i went to pump petrol today. as i swerved into the petrol bay, my car scrapped the dustbin... the lady attendant, who was at the next bay, screamed. people turned their heads to look. i felt a little embarrassed. i fiddled around with my stuff in my car before i walked out to pump my petrol. by then, the usual uncle who would attend to me had walked to my car. the lady attendant made some remarks that went something like "aiyoh, you liddat hor, we have to pay on you know..." and she walked away mumbling some other inaudible stuff. the uncle shoo-ed her and gave me the don't-bother-her kinda wave. and he told me don't worry, small matter. just pretend the incident never happened.

i took a look at the dustbin. there was a small crack. i could not be sure the crack was a result of my knock. nonetheless, i walked to the cashier and reported the incident. the store attendant, who was also familiar with me told me no problem, i should just pretend it didn't happen. but i insisted i should at least make the report. it wouldn't be fair if the pump attendants were made to pay any damages later (remembering what the lady attendant screamed earlier). he then reported to the store manager who in turn took down my particulars and phone numbers. after taking a look at the damage, they remarked that "if only everyone could be as truthful as me" cos many people would simply drive off and don't bother to report. she added that it was a small matter and that it should be fine. but she added that if her management decides to ask for compensation, they would contact me. no worries, i said, as long as the pump attendant is not wrongfully blamed.

i felt good. although it was a small incident. but at least, i will not be haunted by it. my conscience are clear.

my fault. but becos i reported it and owned up. it felt good.

:-)

discharge

mum will be discharged tomorrow. this time round is her longest stay at the hospital. almost a month. and i will be picking her up and sending her home. my domestic helper will be back soon (from her home leave) and i will pick her up at the airport in the morning before heading to discharge mum.

thinking about it, it was rather weird. my bro had worried about who to look after my mum when the domestic help returns for home leave. and he was kinda worried whether my sis-in-law could manage given that she is also managing the baby. as for me, i had time and again told him not to worry and that things will be ok. for some unknown reasons, i was so sure everything would be ok although frankly, i did not know how things would pan out, who would be able to look after my mum, etc. but it so happened that a week before the domestic help returns for home leave, mum came down with chest infection... and becos of this, looking after my mum during the domestic helps' home leave became a non-issue altogether...

sometimes, i think things happened for good reasons. and of cos, i think many a times, we worry ourselves for no good reasons...

:-)

sleeping saturday

was a boring and very restful saturday. woke up at close to 9am... did a little housewor, went for brunch and see the chinese sinseh for my cough problems and then returned home. and for the first time after sooooo long i slept in the afternoon... in fact, i slept and slept and slept... i slept from 1 - 3pm and then from 4 - 5pm... hmmm...

and i had lotsa dream.

it was weird.

dreaming in the daytime.

:-)

200,000

this week, my car cross the 200,000th km mileage.

bought it in 2005 Jul... 5 yrs 9 months... and that works out to about 200,000 / [(365 x 5) + (30 x 9)] = 95km a day... that's quite a lot! but well, considering the fact that of about 4 out of these 5 plus years i worked in west jurong... i supposed it was to be expected.

:-)

kedondong sapphie

i made an interesting discovery this week - that my dog sapphie loves eating buah long long (aka buah kedondong)...

heh heh...

:-)

losing weight

have been on chinese medication to clear my bad throat, cough and non-stop runny nose... and i had been advised to stop all oily, deep fried, and spicy food. also, i am not suppose to take cold drinks, and to avoid air conditioning (especially at night). well, been a month... and things seemed to have improved quite a bit. but interestingly, becos of the diet, i am also noticing myself losing weight.

usually, my home scale would register me as abt 72-74kg. now, i weigh slightly less than 70kg.

:-)

destabilizing week

i started this week badly. and it destabilized me so bad i was totally paralyzed for 2 days and only managed to somewhat pick myself up again late thursday...

you see, my management had asked me to share with them (him) what my focus for the new workyear would be. and to do so, i had to frame the setting by giving a brief about what we want to achieve in the longer term and so that current focus could be aligned to a more strategic objective. in another words, i had to present my vision of where i want to drive my unit towards. and so i did... and i proudly did so cos i had spend so much effort, brain juice and time to put together a frame that captures my units vision, articulate my missions, and chart out the stratgies that would guide us for the next 5 years. my team and i had debated over it for the last 2 months and we even had our teambuilding activities all themed around it.

when i presented it to my management on monday, last i expected was that every single sentence, word, etc were torn to bits... i knew hell would break loose when i was asked why the hell i need a vision in the first place (doh!) and why couldn't i simply use my company's vision instead? also, the mission statements that my team and i crafted were questioned. and i thought - in the first place, my unit never had a mission statement, much less a clear one (doh!). and if i were to be more objective, i should have been told what my unit was supposed to fulfil! so much for spending my efforts... a unit without a collective vision and clear mission statement is a unit that is not focused and would lead to suicidal outcome. in fact, that was the unit i inherited. one that had tremendous morale issues, logictics on the verge of breaking down, people tendering mass resignations, etc. and all were swept under the carpet. and truth be told, the person before me even almost moved my unit out of sync and focus on things that was not the unit's expertise altogether. well, not that it was wrong from a business perspective, but, to do so at the expense of the unit's being is totally not right.

anyway, i stood there trying very hard to defend myself. and i was bombarded for close to 2 hours. and at a certain point, my management told me off - "no need to present further. your starting point is all wrong..." but i persisted. i tried to stand my ground. i tried to explain myself. but everything i said was torn to bits. there were lots of useless (or at least totally unfruitful) questions thrown at me. after some time, i decided, i should just shut up and not try to defend myself. it was futile to engage in anything with anyone who probably got up the wrong side of bed and has decided that everything i had was wrong. i was not prepared for this and i do not think i want to go through the seemingly endless barrage of useless criticism.

i felt very disturbed by the end of the meeting. but the full blast of the effect hit me only that evening. i felt destabilized by the fact that suddenly after all the hard work and efforts put in, my vision that has thus far given me the sense of direction, went kapoot. my missions, that we had spent so much thoughts over, was thrown out of the window... i felt aimless, i felt lost, i felt totally alone. and on tuesday, i had to grapple with several interviews, promotion reports, etc... all these seemed suddenly extra stressful given my lousy state of mind. i decided i could not proceed any further. i might just end up venting myself on my staff (which i have never done before). i did not know how to proceed. by tuesday night, i was almost a walking zombie. i was in a stated of total paralysis.

i decided to take a one day break on wednesday. i went to the pool to zonk out. but somehow, i could not relax. i then proceeded to the beach and sat the the breakwater. the sea has this calming effect on me. i stared into the horizon. it was rather therapeutic. i spent the rest of my day there. (and as a result, got myself all lobstered... heh heh...)

sighs... ever since taking over, there had been a short period where the unit had voiced all their pent up frustrations. i took it all in stride. handling these people issues were not too difficult for me. but my challenge was to fact that i am not getting any support from my company. but all these are simply getting to me. i tried to be as optimistic as i could. and often, i kept telling myself i need to hold on and push on. push on push on i would tell myself. my finance manager have resigned and the one nominated to stand in has not been giving me the support i need. may be she's overworked but certainly the support has been really lousy. how can i run a unit without knowing my financial health? and time and again, they keep coming back to me to tell me to cut this and to cut that, to reduce headcount, etc. and on the other hand, my management is upping my revenue targets. i am trying very hard to recruit people and it is taking longer than i had expected. the systems that i had acquired had been delivered and it is having more problems than i can ever imagine...

arghhh...

if things continue at this rate, i will tender my resignation. it is no use working for a large glc that runs on an sme mindset.

i am glad the week has ended.

what a weekend

i am the type of person who needs to have my own quiet time. and by quiet time, i mean really time to just be alone and to just ignore the world, time to get into myself and look inwards... i supposed this is a trait of intraverted personalities. and interactions with people wear me out big time. on a daily basis, i get my quiet time at night. and that time is spend on reflecting on the day's happenings, or simply just zonk off. and on a weekly basis, my saturdays would be my only quiet time cos my sundays were meant for volunteer work at the temple.

and last weekend, i was so drained i almost wanted to kill myself. well, not literally...

you see, these couple of weeks have been terrible. my mum had been in hospital and my daily routine after work was to visit her and spend time with her. well, it was not that i am complaining, rather, the additional time needed meant i had less time to do my daily admin and by the time the day ended, i would be rather drained. i did not have time to recuperate. and for the last couple of weeks, the internal pent up just build and build. and weekends were no good cos the routine of visiting my mum and volunteering left me further drained. by the last weekend, i was almost dead. particularly so cos last week at work was extra draining. i had to conduct 2 newly designed leadership courses, manage some people's pms at work and i had meetings after meetings... and at the same time, i had to conduct several interviews (i dislike interactions!). so by the end of friday, i was almost dead - mentally, emotionally, physically etc. and i really really needed time to be alone, to recuperate. i really need that quiet time to charge myself up. but i realized i had promised a friend i'd help out with some facilitation.

so when saturday arrived, i wanted to really pull out of the event. the event was held at the temple and given that it was ching ming period, i really hated the whole idea of having to drag myself there knowing jolly well that i had to content with traffic jams, human jams, all the smoke, all the smog, etc... to make things worst, i had tonnes of housework to do, i had to bathe my dog, i had to wash my clothes... and for some short moments, it felt easier to die that to go to the temple. i wanted to simply kill myself. yes, it was that bad, there was just so so much internal tensions. i hated myself for getting into volunteering. i wanted to withdraw from my volunteer work. i hated myself for no knowing how to refuse requests for assistance. i wanted to just disappear and go awol. i hated myself for not knowing how to manage myself. yet, i was in constant tension cos another side of me said i should go. it was a classical case of devil and angel talking to me at the same time. and the angel reminded me that i had made a promise and i should appear, no matter what...

i went to help out in the end.

driving there was not pleasant. there were many instances where i almost get into accidents. whether it was a case of people's reckless driving or a case of me feeling disturbed, i didn't care. and when i reached the temple, everything i anticipated came true. the jams, the people, the smog, the smoke... i parked a distance away and walked... ok, to cut the long story short, i was grouchy. i thought i was a little harsh when i shared my views (for a while, i thought i sounded like i was scolding the class)... by the end of saturday, i couldn't recognize myself. the same thing happened on sunday although it was a little less dramatic and i was no less tired. well, i survived the event without losing myself (although i admitted i dozed off a little halfway through). whew! i had dinner followed by drinks with some uni friends sunday evening. and i was yawning away like crazy (so unbecoming!). we ended at about 10pm. but i did not manage to get my rest when i reached home... sighs, i came home and realized one of my goldfish had died. the pump got stuck and the circulation stopped. my goldfish had suffocated to death. to save the remaining 2 that was also rather weak already, i washed the fishtank and changed the water. after that, i mopped the floor and gave sapphie a bathe... and then, i realized i had forgotten to buy dog food for sapphie... arghhhh!!! my poor sapphie survived on carrots last night.

well, yes, back to my title - what a weekend! i started this week feeling more drained than ever... and today was not any better... my presentation in the meeting got chewed up through and through. and all my efforts over the last 2 months felt wiped off... pant, pant, pant... argh! i seriously don't think i should be going through all these shit while being paid such pittance! anyway, looking at my schedule for the next few days, i think i might be able to slow down a little bit.

i look forward to having a less hectic workweek...

:-)

father & son

artshopowner: so, you guys are together?

me: yes we are...

artshopowner: err... father and son?

me: .... err... friends... ^&*#&%$^&I@

:-)

desire

such a nice and beautifully produced video. and of cos, very cute boys. i love the look of the guy in the train (6:22). look at the eyes... the longing, the cruising, the desire... such memories...

:-)

writing letters

today, i read a book by robin sharma and in the book, he suggested writing letters to oneself as a way to look at oneself objectively and to learn about oneself. i supposed writing letters to oneself is not much different from journaling or blogging. they are all different ways of having a self-conversation, and for that matter, having a self-conversation from a third party point of view.

for me personally, i think i have benefitted from blogging. i have learned about myself, and also learned to manage myself better. of cos, the feedback i got from my readers have been useful too. they allowed me to see and understand myself from different perspectives. and in the process, helped me uncover my own blind spots. but on the other hand, i know blogging have its' dangerous side too. one can end up falling in love with ones' writings (or worst still, with oneself), indulge in one's past so much that he/ she cannot get out, wallow and so on... and in the process, keep spiralling into a self-indulgent non-productive (and narcissitic) mode of self existence. and i think it is not difficult to go into such a state.

so... anyway, yes, let's getting back to writing letters... i think i should try to start writing letters to myself in my blog. it would perhaps allow me another way of having this on-going self-conversation... and i think it will be an interesting process...

will try that out very soon...

:-)

doggie questions

for the longest time, i have been seeing and interpreting sapphie's expressions, actions etc in human term. for example, when she stretches her lips sideways, i call see it as her smiling. and that i interpreted it as her being happy. or when she sleeps and makes noise, i deemed it as her dreaming... thing is - i am not sure if interpreting her expressions using the human as an example is realistic... - some questions i have:

• when i dog smile, does it mean it is happy?
• do dogs dream?
• do dogs feel the same way humans do?
• how do dogs express their emotions?

i think i need to do some reading up on this...

heh heh...

:-)

ps: dog in photo is not sapphie. photo courtesy of http://miners.com/?tag=lucid-dreaming

new workyear

this week has been one of the most hectic week. but well, am glad it came and went, rather smoothly. there were presentations and project updates to all the levels of management (less top management)... i supposed everyone was, in some way or other, raring to go. it is the start of a new workyear afterall...

:-)