stressful times

• missing friend (many suspected he has committed suicide)
• singapore election
• mum's health
• own health (and very painful too)
• niece hospitalization 
• unhappy workplace
• malaysia bersih/ politics
• japanese anti-abe rallies
• philippine politics
• thai bomb blasts
• indonesia clashes
• current market turmoil 

all sorts of stressors, near and far and all affecting me to varying degree. and things just seemed to get worst by the days... as though life is not stressful enough. then again, this might just be a seventh month thingee cos every year during the seventh lunar month, all sorts of stressful things happen. only consolation is that we're in the last 2 weeks of the seventh month... things should be improving!

break from facebook

i have deactivated my fb account.

will reactivate it again in 2 weeks. and i did so cos i want to avoid all the emotional postings of people during this election period. life is stressful enough. certainly do not want to get myself more stressed out with all the emotional, and many a times, senseless bitching by people...

i owe myself a break!

plantar fasciitis

went for a review last week and the doctor measured the thickness of the tendons of my feet and found that the thickness have increased from 4-plus mm to now 6.0mm and 6.7mm on my right and left foot respectively.

oh dear, you better stop all exercises... if it thickens to 7mm or more, the tendons will just snap, he warned. and with this development, he arranged for me to undergo ultrasound treatment to relieve the pain and to shock the feet into recovery.

so... the ultrasound treatment has been schedule for mid-oct 15. two treatments on consecutive weeks. was told it would be something similar to the kidney treatment i went through last year. if so, it's gonna be painful. but if it'll relieve the pain, i'm for it.

:-)

bad shoulder

have had this superbly bad right shoulder since early this month. had been going to the chiropractor almost every other day to get it adjusted. for some reasons, the whole shoulder blade had collapsed inwards onto my rib cage and has been causing me excruciating pain inside my shoulder. most times, the pain would extend down towards my small finger. 

my chiropractor had taught me how to mobilise my shoulder in order to relieve the pains but these are temporary measures cos the pain would appear again within minutes.

let's hope it clears soon...

moderate hearing loss

went for a ear check yesterday at the ent clinic. was referred by the polyclinic after i complained of gradual hearing loss in both ears. the results showed obvious moderate hearing loss for both ears, particularly at the higher pitch range. was advised that there is no cause for worry at this point in time but i will need to be reviewed in 6 month's time.

how invasive...

well, as i said, the doctor came out to look for me. and she asked me to walk with her into the critical care ward where mum was. we didn't speak as we walked and once we were in the privacy of the room, she explained mum's condition to me...

we think your mum has experienced similar issues as the last time, i.e., water in her lungs and that her lungs could possibly be infected. but looking at the situation, i would like to ask your thoughts about managing her. and with this, her voice lowered. your mum is in her 80s and with her current condition, the possibility of her lungs collapsing is there. the possibility is very low but nonetheless, i need to consult you about how to manage her if it were to happen. and she went on, i am not saying we are not going to save her, we will certainly try our best, but we need to hear your thoughts about how invasive a treatment you would like us to undertake. for example, we could insert tubes into her and we could do a few other procedures, send her into the icu and hook her up onto machines. or we could let her be and ensure she is as comfortable as possible. i knew that "letting her be as comfortable as possible" simply meant letting her die. i didn't respond. i simply looked at her and kept quiet. she sensed my discomfort and quickly added that she could revisit this conversation with me if i needed time. i told her it was ok and that death was something we had acknowledged.

it hit me that very moment that mum could leave anytime and i choked. despite being rather open about it and talking about it with mum rather frequently, it kinda felt a lot more difficult when the doctor brought the topic of death up. lots of things went through my mind, i knew what my choice would be but i didn't want to say it out as i wanted it to be a decision that my siblings, or at least my brother is in agreement with. most importantly, i wanted my mum to be able to tell me her preference (which she had previously, but i needed a reassurance). and so, at that very awkward moment, i turned and asked my mum. she didn't seemed to fully comprehend my question and simply smiled. knowing i couldn't get any answers, i told the doctor that my decision was to make her as comfortable as she could. i explained to her that we had had this conversation many a times and that mum was ready to leave when her time is up and that she was at peace with herself. the doctor thanked me for the input and assured that her lungs collapsing was only very remote possibility and that she would try her best to treat mum.

i called my brother immediately after that and explained to him the doctor's inputs. he was in agreement with my thoughts. later on, when i was with alone with my mum at the ward, i spoke with her and explained to her what the doctor said. i didn't use the word "death" but made a reference to it by using the phrase "kee chia" (hokkien for "mounting the vehicle", a phrase that meant "death". she finally understood what i meant and told me, very seriously, that she prefer to go peacefully and that she didn't want to go through icu or any life support. it was not an easy conversation but i was glad i had the inputs again from my mum herself.

low bp, high pr

this morning, i got a call from the rehab center manager. it is not normal for her to call me and when i picked up the call, she told me mum's blood pressure was low and her pulse rate was very high. i told her to let her rest and to make another assessment later... and about an hour later, she called again. hey, your mum is not better. we have let her rest but her pulse rate continued to he high and she seemed a little unwell...

admittedly, i didn't really believe she was unwell but something in me told me i better respond to this development. i applied e-leave for the afternoon and immediately went to fetch her from the rehab centre. she seemed ok when i saw her. the usual half asleep state. and when i spoke with her, nothing seemed amiss. nonetheless, i thought it would be good to send her to the hospital to allow the doctors to make an assessment. and once again, the a&e doctor came to me and told me she needed to be warded. well, i was not surprised by this input. it had always been this way for her.

mum complained she was hungry and i went ahead to get some snacks for her. and when i returned, there was another doctor there. she asked me to wait for her outside as she had to examine mum. this lady doctor was rather interesting cos unlike the a&e doctors, she was rather friendly and patient with me. and instead of asking the nurse to call for me, she actually came out to look for me...

commenting on my pm's post

watched pm's national day rally this evening and thought he made a lot of good points. overall, i felt the speech was very good. great balance between past, present and future. the macro-pieces were all addressed and it also gave us a view of what we can expect for the future - provided we make the right choice at the coming election. made a comment on pm's facebook update after the rally. not sure if he's gonna read, but at least i have given him my thoughts. 

:-)

donations

i was approached by a young lady yesterday. she spoke to me about helping out in the bone marrow donor programme. and it will cost me far less than s$2 a day, $1.36 to be specific to be able to help donors undergo the swap tests and for leukaemia patients to undergo treatment. i thought about it. in perspective, the donation, computed on a per day basis, is no more than a can of coke or a bun for me. i agreed. and i signed up for it. it is the least i can do to be able to pay back to the society, and those in need.

_/|\_

ceiling fans

went shopping earlier this after and purchased a crestar 46" icol-series ceiling fan for both my room as well as my mum's room. it would be installed this coming tuesday. really look forward to it. been a long time since i wanted to do it.

:-)

1965 the movie

was made to attend this screening on friday evening. arranged by my boss for the company and he made it compulsory for everyone in the department to attend. didn't like being "forced" to do things, especially when it is after office hours. and since i cannot not attend, i decided to bring my mum and maid along. i thought it would nice to show my mum my office colleagues and for them to see her. yet on the other hand, i was afraid she might not take too well to the show as it was set against her younger days, the times when she suffered badly. but i took a calculated risk. her memory is failing her and she'd likely forget everything. then again, if she didn't react well to the show, i was ready to walk out anytime.

on the whole, the show was ok. but i didn't really enjoy it, particularly how the story was paced. it was too draggy and the script was really bad. juxtaposing the story against famous historical scenes where someone played the role of lky came across as a little awkward, particularly when memories of  such scenes and lky were still so raw. naturally, many would compare these scenes with real life. i for one googled the famous "moment of anguish" scene where lky spoke to the media to talk about separation. i found myself googling during the show to check out if the show had kept true to the scene - the attire, the seating arrangements, etc. haha... but the show certainly brought forth the moods of 1965. those were the days where race relations were tense and people were suspicious of one another. and all these tensions made worst by konfrontasi.

but despite the lousy script, it was rather heartwarming for me too. i particularly liked the efforts to make the show as authentic as it could be. other than the physical surrounding that reminded me of my younger days, i also liked the efforts put in in using a smorgasbord of languages used. you see, as it was set in pre-independence singapore, every character in the show spoke in their dialects. there were cantonese, chinese (mandarin), hokkien, teochew, hainanese, tamil, malay, english... all mixed up in the show. apart from tamil, i could understand all these languages, but i certainly do not know if any of the younger generations could understand. then again, i supposed this in itself is a reflection of how far we have gone to forge a country with a common language, not just between the different races, but also between the different dialect groups of the chinese people.

:-)

surprise email

the hiring manager replied my email today and i was surprised by what she wrote...

she replied very openly that she had not employed anyone. rather, she had decided to put the position on hold in view of recent developments in the office and that she didn't want to hold candidate up in case there are any opportunities that come by for them. then she added that i interviewed well and that I was a very strong candidate and that if possible, she would like to retain my cv so that she could contact me (through the headhunter) when there are future opportunities.

hmmm... such a surprise for me. and of cos, i replied, thanked her and told her that the honour was really mine for her to retain my cv for future considerations. all things being equal, even if this was a job rejection, it was done so smoothly and nicely. but of cos, in this case, it wasn't a rejection per se. 

:-)

unsuccessful

i got a call from the headhunter yesterday.

i have not so good news for you, she said. i was not surprised when she told me the hiring manager decided to choose another candidate. and she added that the hiring manager was really frank about the fact that she enjoyed our conversation and the frank and open nature that the conversation went. i thanked the headhunter for the feedback and the opportunity. before we ended the conversation, i shared with her that i would be sending a thank you email to the hiring manager and interestingly, the headhunter commented, oh ok, that's so nice of you. i didn't tell you this, but the hiring manager was so surprised and impressed that you actually send an email after your interview. it's such a gentlemanly gesture.

errrrmnmnm, i thought that was just a small courtesy on my part? haha... anyway, i came home and send another email expressing disappointment but appreciation. and after that i forwarded the email to the headhunter for their info and attached an updated resume for their reference and considerations if there should be any new opportunities that come along in future. the opportunity did not materialize but it certainly pushed me to update my resume and practice my interview skills. 

and for that, i am more than happy!

聽海 (ting hai)

this was the gay anthem in the late-1990s/ early-2000s. i heard it being played when i visited my chiro this evening and it reminded me of the gay clubs i frequent back then. i vividly recall how everyone sang along when this song played in taboo (the old location). all the heartaches, clubbing, dancing, crushes and of course - self-discovery. the singer of this song was a-mei - the taiwanese answer to america's madonna. lots of her songs eventually became gay anthems and i suspect they still are.

here's the lyrics (translated in english too)

聽海

写信告诉我今天海是什么颜色
夜夜陪著你的海心情又如何
灰色是不想说蓝色是忧郁
而漂泊的你狂浪的心停在哪里

写信告诉我今夜你想要梦什么
梦里外的我是否都让你无从选择
我揪著一颗心整夜都闭不了眼睛
为何你明明动了情却不敢靠近

听海哭的声音叹惜著谁又被伤了心
却还不清醒一定不是我至少我很冷静
可是泪水就连泪水也都不相信

听海哭的声音这片海未免也太多情
悲泣到天明写封信给我就当最后约定
说你在离开我的时候是怎样的心情

listening to the sea

write me a letter to tell me what is the color the sea is today,
the sea that keeps you company every night, what is her mood?
when she's gray she's keeps mum, when she's blue she's melancholy
and you whose heart is similarly drifting, where will you stop?

write me a letter to tell me what would you like to dream of tonight
can you not choose between the me in your dreams and the me in real life?
my heart is in suspense, i stay awake all night
why, after having fallen in love, do you insist on keeping your distance?

chorus
listen to the sound of the sea crying
sighing because someone is heartbroken, and yet doesn't realize it
that person cannot be me, at least i am still calm
but my tears, even my own tears, they don't believe that

listen to the sound of the sea crying
the sea is too emotional, she weeps all the way until sunrise
write me a letter, and let it be our last covenant
tell me how you felt at the moment you left me

repeat from second paragraph

super hectic week

organised 2 major events last week and prepared the org presentation slides for another. all these despite it being a short week for me - 3 working days for me to be exact. was literally working almost non-stop and was even working from my iphone while on leave to bring my mum for her medical checks on friday. but apart from my boss, who kept his barrages of unproductive, and sometimes sarcastic comments, the week went very very quickly. don't know how long i can continue with this pace...

how she died

my god sis-in-law experienced some bleeding in her intestines and was warded 3-4 weeks back. that was how i chanced upon her son and found out about her hospitalization. i paid her a visit and managed to chat with her. it had been many many years since we last met. i visited her again the following day but she had gone in for another procedure and could only pass the chicken essence that i bought to her son.

got a text from her son that she had passed away mid-week and visited the wake on friday evening. apparently, she was ok and has responded to treatment. early this week on tuesday morning, the doctors diagnosed her to have stomach/ intestine cancer and apparently, she didn't take it too well. while her body seemed rather stable, she didn't seem to take to the news well. and on tuesday about 5-plus, her body gave way and she started bleeding internally and lost consciousness not too long after at about 7-plus. the doctors transfused several packets of blood into her to stabilise the blood pressure but it didn't help. apparently, the internal bleeding was so bad that doctors gave her a 5% chance of survival. she did not regain consciousness and passed away at 5-plus wednesday morning.

the family didn't expect this and was shocked by the sudden twist in event and how she left so suddenly. nonetheless, the positive thing in this whole passing was that she didn't suffer too long. the funeral will be held today.

may she rest in peace.

godsis-in-law

just got a message from my godnephew that his mum passed away yesterday morning. very shocked to know of this as i visited her in hospital 2 weeks back and she was very cheerful and looked healthy.

may she rest in peace.

insomnia

too many things in my mind through the night. all work-related. slept at close to 1am and woke up at 2.45am and couldn't sleep after that. ended up surfing the net and reading news and then realized that my sis-in-law's mum will be returning to china this morning. i had mistakenly thought it was tomorrow morning instead. heh...

and i headed to the airport just to find she had checked in and cleared immigration way ahead of time. missed her by a minute. anyway, managed to meet my sis-in-law and the kids and ended up sending them home.

gonna be a challenging day today...

diamonds are a girl's best friend...

went for my kidney review this morning. been a year since i had my stones (i called them "diamonds") blasted out of my system and today's review was a follow-up to check how my kidneys were doing. had taken the medicine for the past 2 days to prepare for the x-ray and had been going to the toilet very very often. initially thought it was food poisoning but later realised it was due to the medication... 

anyway, went for the x-ray followed by a review by the urologist. not too good a news i must say. one stone present in each kidney. both about the same size - 2-3mm. nothing that the doctors want to do for now except to urge me to drink even more (i am already drowning myself with water these days)! also, do head back to the a&e department if i feel any discomfort or if i start to pass out blood in the urine...

damned! all over again!

haiz... 

7th death anniversary

today, we commemorated dad's seventh death anniversary.

time flies. 

a few quick thoughts

some quick thoughts after reading several articles about my country.

• we have just celebrated our golden jubilee to much fanfare, pomp and joy. and this morning, as i was surfing through the different media across the world, i noted that almost all mentioned about the celebrations, yet many western media continue to mention about the dictatorship of lky, the lack of freedom, how suppressed the people are, etc. i find it quite regretful and i do suspect many of the authors have not visited singapore nor understand the country's history.

• many western authors are critical of singapore and notably their opinions are expressed through western lens based on totally different set of values. many also failed to do proper research and cite articles that were similarly biased and came across as naive and uninformed. in the end, the article reflects on the author more than singapore itself. 

• one of the clearest difference in values lie in the whole concept of individual-centricity vs community-above-self. some refer to this as a clash between the west and east but i personally think this is not so straight forward and simplistic. i personally think such differences had existed in all communities, regardless of west or east since many aeons back. the misconception that it is a western vs eastern value could be largely attributed to how societies enshrined these concepts as part of their societal doctrines. just look at how the concept of democracy was attributed to greece whereas the idea of society-above-self was cast in stone by none other than confucius. or for that matter, the whole idea of self vs community could also be used to explain how the practice of buddhism splitted into that of theravada vs mahayana practise almost immediately after buddha's passing!

• fairly or unfairly, many compared singapore to countries like the states, uk, taiwan, etc. some even went as far as to compare singapore to third world countries in africa. then again from another perspective, it is quite flattering to be compared with many of these countries given that many are large countries with huge natural resources, population, and with deep history. these authors fail to recognise that (1) singapore is a country and a city - a city state. we have a population of 5-plus million but in a land that is just about the size of about 700-sqkm that is totally devoid of any natural resources. it is probably more accurate to compare singapore with cities in this regard, (2) singapore is a hotchpotch of different cultures that, just a few decades ago, existed in deep fault-lines between race and religion, much less speak of any common identity or culture, (3) the concept of democracy must be discussed in context. it is not realistic to use democracy practiced in say, the states, or for that matter in africa, with singapore. the context is different. what is important is that people have a say and people elect their government. you cannot fault the government for their policies for they were elected by the people. and people recognize and elect the leaders based on what they know they need at that point in the country's history, (4) you cannot expect to have policies to cater to 100% of the population. what is important is to have policies that cater to the majority and for the minority that was not addressed, side-initiatives are being scoped to cater to these minorities.

ok, enough for this morning. too serious a topic. 

gonna be a busy day despite today being a public holiday.

:-)

fantastic 4

caught the show last night. not too bad a production although i must say people (at least for myself and bee) would end up comparing this production with the 2005 version. i personally preferred the previous version. all things being equal, i thought the previous set of actors were much more attractive and acted more competently. bee commented that johnny was more "bad" (rebellious) in the previous series. i agreed and i do also want to add that chris evans carried the role much much better. story-wise, i thought the 2005 version carried more depth too. we stayed to the end of the credits, expecting a short clip to give us a preview of what to expect next, but there was none. does this mean there will be no part 2?

anyway, and as always, i ended up reminding myself that this is after all a show. its meant to entertain. so, let's not take it too seriously. most importantly, i was entertained and i had a good break from my normal stressed-state of mind.

:-)

"home"

i like how songs are being used to bring people together. and for the usually reserved singaporeans, this song "home" managed to connect and pull people out of their usual reserved nature. this is also one of my most favourite singapore songs - modern, catchy, personal and not in-your-face patriotic cliche (reiterating the fact that singaporeans are usually very reserved and do not express their patriotism overtly?). even after so many years, i have yet to be able to sing this song in its entirety as i would choke with emotions halfway through.

anyway, back to topic. i liked the way the organisers did it, posting individual tutorial videos in youtube to encourage people to practice and sing the different vocals. there is also minus one version to allow people to practice. and i really like it when all came together (there is a full a combined production in facebook but not in youtube). i kinda suspect they will stitch their collections together and produce a final full version online eventually.
(watch the full video here or via 11795070_839374149503661_2117421292_n.mp4)

and interestingly, they have also organised a flash mob performance in the mrt! made me tear watching how the commuters came together and participated in it.
(watch the video here or via  11832643_842032349237841_701444222_n.mp4)

male 1 (he is one cute guy right? youthful is perhaps the right word)

male 2 (and i think he is really cute - the mature cute)

female 1 (the most expressive and cheerful one)

female 2 (the most heartfelt one)

minus one

son of singapore

it's the start of the jubilee weekend 

the country is going into overdrive celebrating sg50

and this is to be expected

the country had indeed come a long way

third world to first world within half my lifetime

there is much to be proud of

i cannot help but reflect

the contrast i see in many other countries

where people struggle with life's basic necessities

and clashing over race, language and religion

and where there is a high level of distrust

between people and leaders

singapore is not perfect

i have my personal tensions with the institution

i have not observed national days since 2005

but i still acknowledge and celebrate 

the fact that i am a son of the country

i am singaporean

majulah singapura

so far so positive

i got a call from the headhunter this evening. once i picked up the call, a cheerful voice greeted me, and straightaway went...

hey, we managed to talk to the hiring manager and got to understand her thoughts about you. apparently, what she told us was exactly what you told us... she went, almost singing the lines aloud, sounding really uplifted. she seemed to have a rather good impression about you and appreciates your being upfront about your relatively inexperienced in the area relating to... she went on. but the hiring manager requested for some more time to allow her to interview some more candidates before she decides.

well, to me such a feedback simply translates to: "ok, thank you. you have been rejected". and that was what i told the headhunter. but her response surprised me. it went like this...

huh? what? no, no... you know, we have worked with this hiring manager for quite a while and she is known to be very to the point and has many a times rejected lots of candidates outright. so this response from her was actually better than good. in fact, this was one of the very few times she actually came back with very good feedback about candidates. 

i was kinda dumbfounded for a moment and as if to iterate the positiveness, the headhunter started asking about my notice period, whether i have leave to offset, etc. i simply told her if the company is really that keen, they can consider buying me out. haha... tell you, this headhunter seemed really positive about this outcome.

so, yeah. that was how the update went. i thanked her for the feedback and the positive note to end my week. still, i don't really think this opportunity would pull through. then again, lets just leave things as it is. 

:-)

"take it as read"

after all the hullabaloo, the board simply told my boss to take the paper as read and that there is no presentation needed. "let the management do what they think is necessary and to proceed as deemed fit." and the first suggestion that all the thinking, framing, writing had come to a nought happened when my boss came to me and asked me to submit some details to him. "by end-this week", he commanded "and next week, we will push this down to the department heads to tell them this is what we want to do..."

so much for (1) me positioning what he asked for as a future initiative, to be undertaken when fundamentals are in place, earliest by mar 16, and (2) identifying that one critical success factor is people-consultation, and not forcing it on people...

haha...

aging sapphie

an elderly dog adds to the challenges of an elderly mum. her incontinence is getting from bad to worst. she can hardly hold her urine these days and ends up peeing at home most of the time. and last night, she kept me await through the night by her pacing round the room whole night. and added to that, she kept scratching herself non-stop. i had to wake up and administer some anti-itch tablet to her before heading back to sleep, only to be woken up by her pacing again. but it's to be expected i supposed. just need to manage, she's family too. ha...

let's hope when i become elderly, i don't end up similar (although i think i will... as a matter of fact)

que sera sera

:-)

updated resume

updated my resume again! had to do so cos a headhunter called me up last week and asked me to consider an opportunity. wasn't too prepared for it and did a quick and dirty updating to my resume and sent it to her. well, she mailed it to her client and they wanted to meet me tomorrow... haha... anyway, thought i'd do a proper update cos i will need to be more systematic and keep up my momentum in my job search.

and after condensing some of the older positions, i managed to shave off slightly more than 3-pages of it. and ooo, everything i have deleted were from my service days cos they are totally irrelevant to the corporate sector. and i guessed i could finally do it cos i have accumulated enough brownie points in the corporate sector to brag about myself.

lol!

gay neighbours (?)

my neighbour had partitioned his unit into two parts. he shared that with him alone (now that he is divorced and flies regularly), looking after and cleaning the house has been too much a chore for him. thus by partitioning it, he could reduce the need for him to maintain the space and at the same time, earn an extra buck. 

now, the part that he rented out comprised one long walkway that leads to a very small room. the 2 male tenants moved in yesterday. and my guess is that these 2 guys (presumably from china)  are studying in the newly opened uni nearby. what i found interesting is the fact that these 2 guys live in the small room together, move about everywhere together - just like how they went out this morning together, came back together, went for their afternoon swim together, etc...

now, i wonder if they are gay... 

lol!

presentation to board

tomorrow, i will present my proposal (the one i had been working on) to the board. and my boss has been superbly kancheong (anxious) about it. he called me into his office at least 2-3 times last week and went through the presentation slide-by-slide, word-by-word. and he reminded me that i needed to use this word, and that word, and that this person is particular about this and that person is particular about that, and... he went to the extend to remind me to save my slides on a thumbdrive, to take cue from him and my ceo as i brief the board, to print hardcopies of my presentation deck (in colour too, he reminded), etc etc etc...

as for me, of cos i am a little anxious, but certainly not as anxious as my boss.

hmmm... 

incapacitated mum

mum was discharged yesterday. and since then, she had not been able to stand up. her legs simply refused to co-operate and she complained of painful knees. as a result, we had lots of problems trying to get her from point to point. despite this, she insisted on wanting to head out for her routine shopping last evening. was quite a task lifting her up and getting her onto the wheelchair and into and out of the car. and she would pant like crazy after each attempt. this morning, i decided to leave her at home and buy home her breakfast instead of bringing her to the market as per what i used to do weekly. am not sure how long this will last. as of today, she still refused to stand and chose to remain seated on the sofa whole day long. was a challenge transferring her from sofa to have her bath, to change her diapers, etc. if she continue to refuse to stand, her muscles might just atrophied and she'll probably not stand anymore. and when that happens, it will be totally downhill for her.

hmmm...

a gay friend - all over again

i went for a networking event this afternoon. and about 15min into the presentation, a guy walked in and was seated at my table. for a moment, i didn't know how to react. it was rather awkward for me. you see, we used to be regulars in the army and i had once constantly and silently kept watch over him. but some years back, he had accused me of telling on him and as a result, the military security department called him up and interrogated him. i stopped contacting him after that and didn't want to spend any effort vindicating myself. i was sure it would be a futile effort to do so given that he was so convinced it was me. but well, my conscience was clear and i simply decided to let things be. i met him a couple of times after that incident but chose not to acknowledge him for i didn't know how he would react to me; and considering the hostilities of our last contact, i rationalized it would probably be easier to just let things be. the last time i met him was at the shopping centre near my place some months back. if i recall correctly, our eyes met but yet again i chose not to acknowledge him.

anyway, back to today's lunch. as i said, it was an awkward moment for me. it was by such coincidence that he was ushered to my table, and it so happened that my table had one vacant space. we nodded our heads and acknowledged each other but we didn't interact much during the whole event. i told myself that i should make myself scarce as soon as the event ends. i didn't want him to feel awkward too. so... yeah, the event went on rather well and i kept my distance. but when the event finally ended, i sensed he wanted to talk to me and i slowed down my exit from the event. true enough, he came up to me and asked if i had 5 minutes. that was a positive signal to me, that he wanted to talk. i agreed and i was rather taken aback when he, without any hesitation, apologized to me. "sorry", he said. i knew what he meant, but it was not me to blame anyone for what's passed. i simply told him i had forgotten all about it.

we spend the next half hour or so catching up. it was really good. he shared with me his process of facing up to the security department and how he eventually left service. he is now happily attached, found his balance and is able to live his life as a gay person without any fear. i felt so happy to hear this. best news for me for a long while. made my day.

:-)

mum's hospitalised

well, woke up this morning to a very grouchy mum who insisted she wanted to pay a visit to the doctor. she complained of excruciating chest pains and said she didn't sleep a wink through the night. admittedly, i did not take too well to this development initially as i had an important training to attend today, and not to mention, lotsa work to catch up too. 

thankfully, i reminded myself that family must be above work and decided to just apply for a day's e-leave. brought her to the hospital and... history repeated itself. she would exaggerate her condition and the doctors would always err of the safe side and simply admit her! and the irony of it all was that she kept insisting she didn't want to go to the hospital as she knew she'd be warded. heh...

as for me, well, since i was on leave, i decided to make full use of it. i headed to the pool for a tan, and then headed to town to do some shopping and a facial.

been a superbly long time since i had such a relaxing day!

elderly gay uncle

was at the pool this morning and there's a 60-plus year old uncle. very frail looking, has a big stomach and hobbled along as he had problems walking properly. he was wearing a pair of skimpy bright red trunks that made him look really off. and he tried very hard to cruise people.

feel kinda sad to see this actually.

shallow people in jack'd

i have an account in jack'd, an app commonly subscribed by gay men. and i downloaded this app out of curiosity of who's gay around me and not because i wanted to date nor proposition people. i am so totally beyond such nonsense and am too tired to even want to consider dating anyone frankly, not that i can in the first place given my current circumstance.

anyway, for my profile, i do not put any pics, i remained anonymous and i indicated that i am 48 years old. so totally unattractive right? am probably the oldest cock in this app. but interestingly, there have been a small number of people who messaged me to chat. for the few young ones, the chat often died off after a few messages cos i suspect they just do not have the patience to chat with me as i do not really say much and even if i say anything, i would come across as a counsellor rather than a person who wants anything more (haha!). 

and i also noted this, for the very few profiles where i messaged cos i really like what i see (e.g., sceneries, flowers, dogs, etc), i often do not get replies. i suspect the individuals thought this uncle was trying to use weird lines to pick them up. for example, there was this individual that took his pic amidst a whole hill of lavender flowers. it was really pretty. i messaged him rather instinctively asking where was the location. there was totally no reply from this individual although i noted he "checked out" my profile. what he saw of my profile must have totally turned him off. ha!

from these experiences, i can only conclude this - many people subscribe to  such app to hook up with people, and so when they receive innocent messages, they simply assume people are trying to hook them up. 

how shallow right? then again, that's how people view and use this app. so, cannot blame anyone.

:-)

i was scrolling my blog postings and i realised this - i have used the smiley emoticon " :-) " to end my blog postings very often! in fact, this month alone, i have used this emoticon a consecutive 9 times!

lol! 

*** boss

you are at liberty to define what *** means.

i have a boss who gave me the following instructions this week:

• i wrote an email to check with a department head about some issues that i would like to discuss and as there was a background to this issue, i wanted to document this conversation to provide for an audit trail. naturally, i copied my boss cos he was a person who always insisted on email documentation of correspondence. next thing i knew, i was summoned to his office. you must know that you cannot send email to senior people to ask these things, you should talk to them first before you email them... he said, sounding somewhat unhappy. kinda weird for him to give me this kinda advice considering the fact that this was what he had been insisting of us and for that matter, doing to us. and most funnily, he should give me such advice, considering my seniority... but well, let's just take it that i look young (ahem... haha...)

• my boss had expanded my jobscope to cover recruitment - something that my colleague had been handling. and he had been superbly kancheong (anxious) to have me take over this asap. last week he emailed and voiced his displeasure when he noted my colleague was still doing it. then, i had told him that his directions was for me to take over fully by aug and i had already started understudying. i added that the plan was for me to handle new cases and my colleague would complete the cases she had initiated. he agreed to this plan. then suddenly out of no where, he wrote an email this week chiding me for not doing what i was "supposed" to do and demanded that i take over all recruitment immediately. my colleague, cleverly just dropped everything and threw it all to me. and then suddenly, i was loaded with a whole pile of backlogged cases that my colleague did not do. overnight, i have about 15 cases to handle. i noted that my colleague had been very disorganised and all her data was all over the place. even the form she designed was not robustly designed and so, i started to organise things. with a clear end in mind, i worked out a referencing system and started given case numbers to the cases and i told line managers that they should quote me these case numbers when talking to me about their recruitment needs. and as demanded, i cc my boss in my email. next thing i knew, i got an email chiding from him that i should not ask line managers to use case numbers and that i should talk to them person-to-person. these are people and we should talk to them direct and not ask them to quote case numbers, he chided me over the email. wtf... and the whole irony of asking me talk to people and not via email when he email such instructions to me.

• as mentioned, my colleague had a total of 5 cases that was surface since 2 weeks back but did not act on it and today, everything landed onto me. the line manager called and check on the decision cos she needed to reply to the manpower provided with an answer today. now the documentation was a mess other than an email that showed the department c-staff having approved it. i needed to sort out the documentation process before i process it further, but since the input was rather urgent, i went to my boss to seek his views and whether we can give an initial input to facilitate ground actions first. next thing i knew, i ended up with him giving me a 10min chiding as well as his unprofessional comments and snide remarks about line managers and the department c-staff. and as he chided, he got more and more angry and started banging table. i simply kept quiet and let him went on. and when he stopped, i tried to explain again. again, he was not receptive and continued scolding. this went on for another 10min before i decided it was futile to say anything further. i simply told him i'll get back to the line manager. moving ahead, i do see this happen again and again. but if it kept going on this way, i will simply ask the line manager to talk to him direct. i don't find myself value adding and it is so unproductive to always end up with him scolding despite checking...

what bloody nonsense right? *** boss. 

so what do you think *** should be?

mum's confusion

it is interesting to see mum getting all confused at about 9-10pm these couple of days. here's what happened...

there's a new mandarin tv series that started airing this week. this series is set in the early-60s and many of the scenes mirrored the environment and lives of singaporeans in the 60s. and yesterday, the story, set in 1967 (coinciding with me at one year of age), showed a man stealing a baby and trying to sell the baby for a certain amount of money. and when mum saw it, she was obviously affected. she started to relate how she was warned by my dad of people stealing babies and how she dare not take me out of the house. she said my dad had to work through the night and thus, being alone at home, she was constantly afraid of people coming into the house to take me away. she dare not even sleep and ended up staying up through the night to look after me. well, i could understand her fears cos i was the first and only son, and having lived through the kampong days, i knew how bad security was back then. anyway, after the show ended, she asked if i was heading out. and when i replied yes, she said i better stay home and not head out cos people could come and "carry me away" (kidnap me)! haha... quite funny actually. but when she said it, she sounded all so serious. and i had to tell her i am already a close-to-50 year old adult. even then, she insisted people will "carry me away". i simply told her to sleep and not worry.

and in today's show, one of the scene showed how the female lead character got kidnapped and in one particular scene, she was tied to a wooden pillar and her mouth was gagged. once again, mum seemed rather affected by the scene as she watched intently. after the show, she suddenly shuddered and said to me, someone just gagged me, i cannot recall, but i think someone just gagged me. i was like, huh? i knew straight away she was confused again and simply laughed it off as i assured her that there was no such thing and that it was a scene she saw on tv. she didn't seemed too convinced from what i could see. anyway, the maid laughed about it and repeated what i said. 

two days, two incidents and both showed similar behavioural patterns. regretful how it turned out this way but i guessed its part of the natural deterioration of her mental capacities. i can only assure her. she needs to manage herself mentally although i am not sure if she is able to. perhaps the best thing to do is to totally avoid such shows moving ahead...

ant-man - the movie

it wasn't as bad as some reviewers wrote actually. perhaps of my biological studies background, i actually found myself looking at details of the ants, their anatomy, their behaviour, and so on. so it was quite an interesting show for me. and frankly, i enjoyed it lots. 

ok, perhaps one little thought that crossed my mind as i was on my way home. what so "ant" about him? i mean, spiderman has a costume that had a spider motive, cat woman's costume made her look like one and she behaved like one, etc... and in this case, apart from his size and his ability to communicate with ants (which is engineered and not exclusive to him), there's not much other similarity... and his costume looked so, so... hmmm, cross between a diver and a mechanic.

anyway, lets not get too critical about such shows. its meant to be a comic after all. just go and enjoy it!

right?

jurong bird park

made my way there today with mum, maid, sis-in-law's mother and the 2 kids in tow. superbly tiring but of cos, i didn't complain as it was enjoyable. 

started off with a pleasant surprise that seniors go in for free. all part of celebrating seniors and their contributions to the country. and of cos, the next surprise i got was that i could get a year's membership for the price of one ticket. so i got myself a membership straight away. and then the third surprise... queued up at the tram station and realised i had purchased only 3 tickets (instead of 6). the crew looked at us and whispered to me, no worries, just hop on and enjoy. heh...

but of cos the real fun of it all was to be able to have the kids there and to be able to see things from their perspectives. very nice!

was a good sunday for me.

:-)

13 years

that is the number of years i have to work until i hit the mandatory retirement age, by today's limit of 62 years old. and if the government were to lift the retirement age to 65, i will have 16 years. judging by today's male mortality age of 76 years old, i can therefore expect to live an additional 11 years...

hmm... better find the time and efforts to really sit down and review my retirement sums.

the reality of reaching the end-point gets clearer with each passing year...

:-)

leave? what leave...

i have a total of 22 days leave per year. previously, under my previous 2 bosses, they have allowed me to head off to collect my mum's medication without having the need to apply leave. it's only for an hour or two, so no worries about it, they said. my ex-lady boss went as far as to offer me the flexibility to head off to bring her for medical reviews for full days without applying for leave. i know that even when you are away, you are technically still working, she said, knowing that i do log in to my email, clears my mail and continue thinking about my work even while away. i do not need you to be physically here to do your work. that was the past.

my current boss is the other extreme. to him, every minute not seen at work is considered waste of staff cost. and to put in perspective, every minute must be spend in the office to be considered "working". and even if you are in front of him, and if based on what he sees does not commensurate what he expects to see, he will conclude you are not working. so when he first came in and i shared with him the arrangements i had with my previous two bosses about the time off to take medication, he was very uncomfortable but said he will close an eye. now, noticing how he is about such time off, i have made it a point to apply for leave whenever i need to collect my mum's medication. 

it's 4 months into the workyear and i have consumed a third of my annual leave. extrapolating, it simply means i will have no leave for breaks. all my leave will be consumed just to attend to my mum's medical needs. this despite my utmost attempts to consolidate some of the appointments and stretch some so that i need not go so often. hmmm... not very nice right? if i were to continue at this rate, i will simply just end up burning myself out. not nice at all... 

but never mind. must not restrict my thinking to the 22 days. if need be, i shall take no pay leave. nothing's gonna stop me if i need my break.

:-)

happiness is... focused directions

early this week, i emailed my boss for his comments and directions of what i should do next following my submission of my proposal/ paper. and he replied - prepare a preso (presentation slides). what a weird direction from a senior person. he didn't seemed to understand my meaning of "directions". and then yesterday, he hurriedly came to me just before lunch and told me to head to the ceo's office. he wanted to see us about the paper, he said. and he scuttled off, with me trailing behind. 

walked into the very sparcely decorated, or to be exact, empty office, and we quietly took seat. my ceo looked up, made a comment that i had recognised the challenges and had articulated it well. and then he looked at my boss and went on to talk about the details of the paper. i can see you have tried to touch on every areas possible, but to me, it lacks focus. the specific initiatives will only impact a small percentage of people and in another word, it becomes somewhat of a conceptual exercise. result will not be impactful. had never seen my boss so meek before, docile and subservient to be exact. he tried to explain some of the points in the paper but as he tried to justify the points, he came across as he didn't know what was happening on the ground. i have given this directions since a few months back and i see nothing being done. this is not a big company and there is no point trying to do things like one. it won't work. i sensed a tinge of sarcasm as my boss was known to have come from a huge company some time back. and i know cos i came from one, my ceo added. my boss didn't add much as he simply listened. i noted there was no eye contact when he spoke with my ceo and i  sensed a little impatience in my ceo's tone.

my boss's behaviour took my by surprise, considering he has been totally gangsterish and aggressive all these while to people around him. but i supposed that's his usual behaviour in front of his bosses. a yes-man. and my ceo went on to give his views about the paper and the specific initiatives mentioned. and as he did so, i interjected to share my views and we debated about the pros and cons of each specific initiatives proposed. it was such a refreshing conversation, something that i didn't get a chance to do with my boss given his tendency to talk down on me, and i suspect he didn't have the capacity given his lack of ground feel. as i debated with my ceo, my boss just kept quiet and listened. and with the debate, the intent and focus of the paper became clear and with that the angling of each initiatives took alignment and directions become clear, it was soooooooo bloody clear. everything fell into place. we want to do this because of this, of that... and thus, this, this and this initiative is good but not important nor necessary in immediate future, for this, this, and this initiatives, they ought to be shaped like this and i want this, that, that, and this... and if i were you, my main focus of this paper should be this, that... and with that, he looked at my boss and quickly added, i am not the one who writes this paper and i will not force you to re-write, but when you present this during the meeting, i will simply share my thoughts as per what i had just shared, he said.

we thanked him for his comments and directions and headed back to my boss's office. he didn't seemed too pleased and commented that conceptually, what my ceo wanted was not the same as what he wanted and that my ceo simply wanted was to force us to commit to things that he wanted... was interesting to hear him share this thoughts but felt it was not professional. if he felt so strong about it, he should have just said it out. as for me, i did not see too huge a divergence in what they both wanted, but simply where the focus should be. i could see the middle-ground and i thought it was not difficult to manage. i simply told him i would review the paper and incorporate my ceo's views.

i felt so good, so refreshed and so energised by the clarity of thoughts, the robustness of the debate and directions that came out of the conversation. and it was such good experience to be able to hold such a professional conversation with my ceo. he had came across as cold and difficult since he came in last may and i didn't have the opportunity to interact much with him. i walked out of the whole experience feeling very good (and to a small extend, warply happy i had managed hold the conversation with my ceo better than my boss). it's gonna take quite a bit of efforts to reframe the paper but when directions are clear, it's not difficult.

:-)

stitches removed

decided to remove the stitches myself last night. didn't come across as a difficult task and certainly wanted to avoid the hassle of heading to the clinic this evening just to get it removed. the wound was healing well and the swell had subsided significantly. and visually, there were no signs of any infection. and my hands were also itchy and i was rather impatient about getting it off. so...

i did what i needed to do. took a shower, cleaned the area around the wound and then used a  pair of scissors to cut off one side of the thread and then pull it off from the other side. was painless but i must say my failing eyesight made it very difficult to me to see where i was cutting. but i got by, slowly and gingerly. and after that, apply some anti-bacteria cream to seal the "hole" and to prevent any possibility of infection. easy peesy.

:-)

testosterone

i do sometimes wonder if what i am experiencing is normal like what a man would experience when he goes through andropause. after all, i am reaching 49 end this year. i mean, i have heard that all woman go through menopause but not all men, technically speaking, go through similar. and i am wondering about it cos of all the physical signs i am myself experiencing - decreased energy levels, getting wider at the waist region, erections that are not as hard nor lasting, lethargy, overall lack of interest in things in general, etc etc etc... if i am indeed going through andropause, it would probably be "okay and normal" and there's nothing to be concerned about. but if i am having some form of testosterone deficiency, then it might be good to get it treated before it gets worst. such thoughts occur whenever i pass by this clinic that has this testosterone treatment posters pasted outside its wall.

should i check it out?

:-)

elderly sapphie

thought i'd capture this observation about sapphie. she's growing really old, and very fast too. it was not too long ago that i noted her increased incontinence and inability to go for long walks. but now, she trips when she walks and climbs stairs all the time, and she cannot hold her urine and bowels for more than a couple of hours. added to that, i think she is also experiencing arthritis - she has trouble transiting from standing to sitting and does it very very slowly. quite funny actually.

and technically, she's more than 100 years old (by human standards).

age... it does catch up with everyone, dogs too...

:-)

hair cut

gave mum a haircut yesterday. thought she'd look neater and probably better. always find myself not too happy with the end-result whenever she visited her hairdresser. i decided to observe how the hairdresser cut her hair once and realised that she'd first trim her hair, then perm it and after that, use the electric hand-razor (not too sure what's its call) to shape the head. terrible... end up with her hair all unevenly cut.

this time round, i decided to cut her hair myself. was glad she liked the outcome. wasn't able to perm her hair as i didn't have the required equipment and chemicals. but yeah... i think i should alternate the visits to the hairdresser (for the perm) and cutting her hair personally moving ahead.

:-)

still swollen

the knee is still swollen and it's painful to walk. otherwise, the wound is healing well. just need to be careful not to bend the knees too much and avoid walking too far. cannot afford a tear at this point of time. 

:-)

proposal completed (for now)

finally submitted the final draft of the proposal to my boss today. a close-to-60-page document. whew! been one helluva ride since i started writing it 2 months ago. writing a proposal with no clear directions and being led all over the place aimlessly was really challenging. to make things worst, he threw in lots of "designer words" that didn't make sense to me but insisted that i should expand on. i tried to ask him to clearly explain what he meant by the words but he went round and round and in the end, i had to second guess what he wanted. nonetheless, i believed i got by cos he didn't bring it up further. when i mailed him the first draft last week, he forwarded it to all my fellow managers and asked for me to arrange a session to discuss the proposal. "i expect everyone to read the proposal and give your comments" he commanded in the email to them. 

the meeting was convened tuesday and everyone gave their views about it. in fact, everyone was so enthusiastic with their comments that even before i got to the crux of the proposal, comments were already flying. i had to repeatedly remind them that i will cover the points in due course. the thing i didn't like about such sessions was that people tend to be too fast and frivolous with their comments and ended up sounding like they were trying to score brownie points. and it didn't help for the fact that many of the comments were brought up by my boss' favourite person (the one that i screamed at previously). but i didn't defend any of my content except to say that all views were most welcome to allow me to make the paper more robust. and i put what i learned about opposing views to the test - instead of saying "but", use "and". i'd go something like, yes i can understand where you are coming from... "and" i also think (then add my opposing view). it makes the conversation sound more accommodating and less confrontational. i was rather surprised when my boss agreed with my responses and at the end of the 3-hour discussion, he commented that a lot of work has gone into it and that there was really no specific area where a person could find fault with it. well, at least he acknowledged it, i thought. but before we finally closed the discussion, he made a last comment that the fundamental basis of why i had written the proposal was not clear to him and threw in another "designer word" and said that i needed to explain it. and yet again, he couldn't provide a clear articulation of exactly what he meant and how i should present it. i simply responded by saying i'd try to frame something out of it.

i really dislike trying to second guess what people want. it is frustrating to hear such demands when asked, they couldn't express nor explain they meant clearly. in the end, i decided to abandon the efforts of trying to second guess his words and simply frame what i thought was necessary and logical, and just go with my instinct. in the end, i dropped all his "designer words" and simply used my own, even adding a footnote here and there that "some organisations" had used "these designer words" erroneously. but i think it worked cos when i send him my final draft yesterday, he didn't challenge me nor make any further comments at all (like he always do) and simply accept it. admittedly, i wasn't totally convinced of the flow of what i sent to him cos after i incorporated all my manager's comments, the flow of the paper went off. i made a final reframing of the paper and resubmitted my final draft to him late this afternoon. 

he has yet to get back to me. that should be good news, i guess. and as for me now, i just want to sleep properly. been having sleepless nights due to this stupid proposal.

:-)

3 stitches

lifted my leg to get into the bath tub and ended up hitting my left knee against the marble vanity top. the impact so great that it dislodge the marble. but i didn't feel anything and next thing i knew my whole leg was full of blood that kept flowing and flowing. i saw a deep gash on my knee cap. it was whitish inside and blood was flowing out non-stop. took a hand towel and applied pressure onto the wound but it was no use. the blood continued to flow and a puddle of blood had formed. out of some minor desperation, i pinched the wound, holding the two flaps of skin together. the whole process to arrest the bleeding took me about 5min. but it seemed forever.

went to the clinic to have the wound stitched up. i knew i will continue to bleed if i leave it as it was. the areas around the wound was badly swollen by then. the doctor cleaned it and sewed me up. it was helluva painful despite the anasthesia injection. i had 3 stitches in all. and he gave me a tetanus jab too. just for precaution. 

need to return next thursday to remove the stitches.

what luck!