weekend work...

brought my office laptop home with the intent to work through the weekend. but ended up not even taking the laptop out of my bag.

totally didn't have the mind to work. you see, i am in the midst of framing a major hr project for my company. and am doing so cos after presenting my first proposal to my boss, he commented a lot of things but i somehow didn't get anything out of it other than i needed to reframe my whole proposal. added to that, after my brief, he send me a similar proposal from his previous company and told me to adapt as needed. that was last week.

you know, when your boss does something like this, it means one thing - "follow it!" and it was kinda difficult cos the context is different; hence, the framing and everything downstream is different. but it is a good reference to know his expectations. it reflected his mindsets and to manage him, i spend quite a bit of efforts on the paper and tried my very best to figure out what it was trying to say in the first place! and it was one helluva difficult. it was not just a difference in the context, the paper itself was very lousily written. the thoughts were not congruent and had lots of jargon that came across as trying too hard to impress. but yeah... 

it simply meant that i have lots of deep thinking to do. this was the really hard part. framing of thoughts has been my strength yet i dislike the process of doing it. really intense and really require a lot of quiet reflections. can be very stressful, especially when you have to try to adhere to a particular flow. and that was why i did not even started it over the weekend. i simply cannot have the uninterrupted space and time for me to do so. but well, that didn't stop me from doing the framing mentally. it was a busy mental weekend of mind-mapping!

and guess what? i ended up with a tentative frame! and i managed to put them into a draft over the course of monday! haha... gonna spend the next 2 days developing the details. that, actually, is the easy part!

:-)

walking ice-cream

since shaving my head bald, i have been feeling like a walking ice-cream whenever i walk inside an air-conditioned shopping centre! you see, my nightly routine is to bring mum out shopping. and lately, whenever i walk in the shopping centres, i will experience a certain level of headache. not very pain per se, but rather uncomfortable. and this discomfort was caused by the air-conditioning that made my head feel very cold inside!

so... yeah, i totally felt like a walking ice-cream!

lol!

stress from work

i suspect all the unfortunate health-related issues i am facing are manifestations of the stress i am facing at work. i mean, this month is already totally loaded with lots of activities that i have to drive and then my boss send an email to me out of no where to brief him about some projects. and his email to me read "i want you to arrange a meeting to brief me about your plans regarding xxxxx." technically he was not wrong, but i thought it would sound a lot friendlier if he had said something along the lines of "discuss together", or even say "for me to give you some guidance" and used "the", instead of "your". but no, it was just a one liner kinda email. short, sharp and curt.

accordingly, he had wanted to drive some new initiatives for the company and had tasked the responsibility to me. and because he will be heading off for a long holiday, he decided to expedite this briefing to him. and when i told him i am maxed out this month and will need space to put my thoughts together before i could brief him, he simply said, i need to give some urgency and priority to this. omg, i only have this much time, energy and mental capacity!

and i dislike his formal and aloof approach to things. 

but well... that's him i guess. 

he is the boss.

bad health

had been feeling uncomfortable from the bad eye and mouth ulcers last couple of weeks. and just when it cleared up, the throat started to act up, and last evening, i lost my voice. and then before i went to bed (last night), i felt a little snap on my lower back and the rest was simply hellish.

am feeling feverish now and have just taken some painkillers. have also bought some vitamin c and it complex earlier. think it should help me better manage my stress and boost my immunity.

things seemed to be getting from bad to worst. 

darned!

bad eye

my bad eye lasted for quite a while.

i wore my glasses until this week and i only started to put on my contact lenses again tuesday. and i must really add that the weeks when i had my glasses on were really really bad. it felt like i was in a state of dream. didn't feel real and everything seemed to be so... well, short of a better word - framed. and to make it worst, the spectacles didn't sit too well on my nose (bridge) and my face felt terribly oily. this was compounded by the superbly hot and humid weather. totally didn't like it. the interesting was, and i think it was due to my swollen eye ball, my presbyopia got so bad i couldn't really read the newspaper unless i took off my glasses. really, i have never felt so old before until lately!

doh!

:-)

the ocean at the end of the lane

had just completed this book last night. took me more than 3 months to complete this. had been a long time since i last read any books! and so, when i started, i didn't find it engaging enough to continue and put it off. the momentum just wasn't there. read it on and off only when i had the chance to head to the pool. i only managed to immerse myself into the story after i read more than half the book. heh...

but yeah, it was a good read once you are into it.

i enjoyed it.

holy month again

tomorrow will be the 4th lunar month again and that means, i will be observing 15 days of vegetarianism. cannot recall how many years i have done this, but i think it is a good reminder to continue respecting life and be compassionate to our fellow sentient beings.

and to guard against and remind myself not to succumb to vanity, i have just shaved my head again. been my annual routine since leaving the force.

om.

headhunter again

took leave today to collect mum's medication, send car for servicing, run some errands, la la la... things that i cannot do on weekends when mum's around. and will be meeting the headhunter this afternoon too. have met quite a few thus far but none have gotten back. 

let's see how things go this time round.

discharged

mum's condition improved very quickly over the last 24hours. ultra-sound for shoulder had been arranged on another date but no major concerns per se. 

to be discharged by late afternoon.

gone in again...

things can only get more stressful with each passing day.

mum complained of shoulder pain last evening. it was extremely painful she said and wanted to head off to the family gp. when i told her i'd bring her to the hospital, she changed her mind and instead wanted to head out for dinner. and that was what i did. but i continue to observe her, did some basic checks and concluded that there was no fracture. perhaps a slight muscle strain, i concluded. and to help her, i administered muscle relaxants, a strong painkiller and a sleeping pill before she retired to bed.

this morning, she complained of the pain again and asked to head out to the polyclinic. i told her i'd bring her to the hospital again. she thought for a while, and this time round, she agreed. she dislikes heading to the hospital cos she doesn't want to be admitted. but i have always wanted her to do so cos at her age, it would be better to treat any issue early instead of allowing it to fester. as such, i'd suggest heading to the hospital as early as i could to (1) gauge her discomfort, and (2) mentally prepare her in the eventuality that she needed to be admitted.

this time round, looking at her condition, i was quite certain she would be asked to stay. and i said so not because of her shoulder, but her irregular breathing, occasional whizzing and the slight swell at her feet. so when we arrived, i let her describe her pains to the triage and the doctors. the nurses and doctors probed further and she started adding issues like breathlessness, whizzing, swollen legs etc. and true enough, she was asked to stay immediately. when i spoke with the doctor, she told me mum might have pulled a muscle but otherwise, her shoulder was fine. as for her breathlessness, the x-ray suggested that she had pneumonia and needed immediate treatment.

so that's it.... minimally 2-3 day stay. or more if the tests comes back and suggest something more nasty. nonetheless i must say - the maid had taken very good care of her over the last year-plus. ever since the maid's arrival, her frequency of being warded went down to almost zero. this admission was something unexpected. it adds to my current stress-level. then again, i should look it positively that her stay would allow me a mental break.

another trip

he is leaving for bkk again this thursday.

in telling me about this trip last week, he broke 2 of the 3 promises he made 5 months back. he had promised to seek my go ahead before planning for any trip (esp bkk), he did not. he simply broke the news to me. he promised to be sensitive and considerate to me, he did not. how else would he have agreed to such a trip when he knew i am so terribly down these days. but i did not make a fuss over it. he had, after all, told me of the trip one week in advance. 

but it couldn't have happened at a worst time, especially this period. i have not said anything thus far and have been controlling and managing myself. let's see if his behaviour over the next few days and during his trip. it's a good test to see if he knows what being sensitive and considerate really mean. really, i do not need any materials items etc, i only need him to be around. close to me. but as events over the last 2 months had unfolded, i have stopped asking questions. i simply accept what he says. i no longer want to be seen nor interpreted as imposing or suspecting etc...

i think all the stress is getting to me and i really don't know what the fuck is going on or happening to me anymore...

i really really wish he would not go.

*fill in the blank* sex

here's some possible reasons why sex occurs and the words that can be used to describe them...

• angry sex. sex that occurs when one is angry with his partner, often with other people.

• spiteful sex. sex that occurs when one does it to spite his partner, often with other people, and often in such a manner that his partner knows about it.

• revenge sex. sex that occurs when one wants to exact revenge on his partner, often with other people.

• placating sex. sex that occurs when one gives in (to his partner) to ease his anger/ dissatisfaction.

• charity sex. sex that occurs when one pities the opposite party for whatever reasons (e.g., the opposite party has a physical defect, or is not cute, or considered "no market value"...)...

• emotional sex. sex that occurs when one is emo-nemo and the other party tries to calm him down, and one thing leads to another and...

• routine sex. sex that occurs not becos one is horny but because it has become so routine it just happens. 

• mechanical sex. sex that happens when one party is not in the mood but simply give in, or play along. may be somewhat similar to/ overlap with placating sex or routine sex above.

• curious sex. also referred to as "exploratory sex". sex that occurs when one is curious. most of the time, one or both parties are not interested in relationships. can be difficult if, after the sex, one party becomes interested.

• dangerous sex. where one engages in sex that may lead to harming one or both or all parties involved (when more than 2 are involved).

• escapism sex. where one engages in sex as a form of escapism. i.e., to escape from something...

• stress-relieving sex. sex that occurs when one or both or all parties needed to to get rid of stress, including exam stress, eg in the lecture theatre! lol!

• discreet sex. sex where one or both or all parties involved pretend it never happened after that.

and the list continues...

have you been involved in one/ some/ all of them?

prolonged caregivership

the thing i realised about being in a state of prolonged caregiving to someone like my mum...

• i have lost almost all my friends. and for those who are still around, we hardly meet anymore. of cos, many can say that for those that stopped contacting, it is better off without them. but i do think we are social creatures and like it or not, we need people around us. 

• despite having a domestic help, my routine now revolves around my mum. of cos i do and often make excuses to leave her to have my me-time. yet, when i am away from her during these me-time, i have the tendency to want to go back to her. and this is so, to a certain extend, because i have gotten used to the habit of being around her.

• i only have one person whom i go out with weekly. it is the only time that i can ease my mind and relax, even if i do not speak much. and when he is not around, i do not have anymore persons to go out with. and for that matter, i do not find it natural to ask my friends out anymore.

• i do not plan for anything at short notice cos i needed the time to prep mum mentally. then again, i cannot plan for anything in advance (with confidence) too. and this is because i need to cater for the possibility of her turning mental/ emotional suddenly. 

• so the people i mix with these days are my one and only colleague that i go out for lunch with (cannot go out with other colleagues like i used to cos my boss insists we need to have half the department in office at any one time, even during lunch), my mum, my maid and bee.

• it is depressing... really, i do not know whether i am really normal anymore cos on one hand, i consider myself to be ok and managing things well, but on the other hand, i do not know if my subconscious really is.

i supposed these are stresses that caregivers experience. and it would really help if i have a supportive workplace.

ok, i am just ranting... 

having the last word

something a friend shared years ago made me reflect and shaped my behavior. he said that i have the tendency to want to have the last word in any conversation. and he said that during an sms conversation where i replied with something after he kinda ended the conversation.

that innocent feedback increased my self-awareness and was the basis for my own development. my view about having last words now is that people who insists (not that i did) on having the last say in any conversations may have their reasons for doing so, but there is no need to.

and when you want to end the conversation, make sure your last words are at least neutral in tone or better still, positive words or words of gratification.

agree?

commenting vs questioning

it's easier and probably more welcoming to ask questions than to make comments. asking questions often come across as showing interest and concern as opposed to the "see, i am right" or "i know best" feel when you make a comment.

do you agree?

"do you want to play with my balls?"

this is getting rather uncomfortable...

!!!

and on a separate note, i send this to tuls and his response was
"sally is a slut". 

lol!

mum

have not really written about her in recent weeks.

she's been stable and well other than the fact the her forgetfulness has increased. interestingly, it gets worst every evening about 8-9 pm. also, there were a couple of incidences of paranoia during sundown, last being two days ago. but it quickly dissipated when i brought her out for dinner. and that night, she told me not to head out for my exercise cos "this woman called pei loan, who had previously plotted to harm her and my dad, lives down the road with 2 other bad people". other than that, she seemed ok mentally.

physically, she's gotten heavier and i think this impacted her mobility and is now causing her legs to feel weak. she has also been complaining of numbness of her hands and legs. the numbness cleared when i got the maid to massage her.

so nett-nett, i would say she's keeping well. then again, she keeps telling me she's gonna die soon and she seemed pretty convinced about it.

hmmm...

swollen eye

have a very bad eye infection since monday. blood shot, swollen and the itch started yesterday. interesting and a little scary to have that "pressure from inside the eye, eye wanna explode" feeling. 

on a days' mc today.

careless whispers

one of the most interesting comment in this youtube thread was: "the most seducing song ever for women, created by the gayest man in the universe..." heh.

this song brings me back to my junior college days back in the 80s - before george michael came out as gay. and listening to it now, it brings back lots of interesting memories. of cos, when i looked at the mtv, i can imagine the whole video being played out by 3 gay men! after all, such events where one gay person sleeping around with another who might be the friend of his lover is quite realistic. hmmm, or perhaps george michael was simply singing a song that reflected his life back then?

no?

well, this is just a random post. you can call it a space-filler post too. frankly, there have been lots and lots of little things happening to me, my health, my physical self, etc but i don't really have the mood to pen them down. also, i think anything related to work or mum are gonna sound a tat too repetitive and boring. and as for relationship, well, let's just say i am taking a back seat for the meantime.

...

cutting own hair

i do trim my own hair once a while through the years but over the last 3-4 months, i have gotten into the habit of cutting my own hair. and i must say, i am getting quite good at it. i can do basic styling and have been able to achieve very even outcome all round, even the back of my head! 

but what's most impactful was the fact that every time i cut my hair, i save s$12 - or an equivalent of a simple dinner for the family! and with an average once a fortnight haircut over 3.5 months, i had saved a cumulative total of more than s$80! heh heh... well, of cos i didn't cut my own hair because i couldn't afford it. rather, it was out of necessity and convenience. you see, i have always kept my hair very short (almost crew cut) and the issue with such a hair style is that it grows out of shape very fast. and whenever that happens, i will head to the hairdresser to neaten it. but at times, when i feel sufficiently irked by my out-of-shape head, i'd just diy in my toilet (as in, trim my own hair). 

and with time, i got into the habit of doing it and... 

lol!

be like water

am going through this interesting period where disturbing dreams seemed to be the norm. it could be of building collapsing, of people getting killed, etc... and invariably, the trend i have observed about these dreams was me being helpless and unable to control the events and people around me leading to high levels of stress and tensions.

i supposed this is my sub-conscious trying to release all the internal tensions that i have been facing over the past couple of months. and i must say that although much of it was directly related to my immediate challenges at work, my personal life, and family-related issues also contributed to it. there are just too many things that are happening around me that i cannot control but are impacting me directly - e.g. an abusive boss at work, a mentally unstable mum, being in a state of deliberate passivity when it comes to relationship. also, everyone had, at some point or other, called me a liar, and have doubted my integrity and/ or my good intentions. 

these are all different aspects of my daily life and all have one thing in common - i am being placed inside a box and my ability to influence people and/ or events are either muted or removed altogether. and these are all causing me a lot of stress mentally cos i am not a person that enjoy being cooped up. my natural self is one that likes to be free, to move around when i want to, to interact, to be trusted, to do what i want, to influence people. perhaps this natural self is what people usually allude to as the character/ personality of horses - be it the sagittarius or the fire horse that i am.

i have been reading about stress management lately and seemed to show many of the behavioural signs that people under heavy stress exhibit. this include forgetfulness, substance abuse, withdrawal, feeling lonely, disturbed sleep patterns, body aches, and so on. and to manage stress, all resources i read talked about the need to adapt and to let go and move on if adapting is not an option. as i read these, i was reminded of concepts commonly mentioned in zen-teachings and also used by bruce lee - be like water, flow along, and when you experience obstacles, adapt to the shape, flow through it, or around it, move along.

some things i cannot let go, some things i can. and where i can, new stresses will appear, but i suspect these new stresses will evoke a creative response and not one that stifles me. and where i cannot let go, i need to simply find ways to flow around it. let me reflect on this further and i think i can find the answers.

and i must say this, as i type, things has already became a little clearer!

:-)

picture from http://numenrecords.co.uk/

killed

for some reasons, i found myself caught in a situation where my brother had held my mum hostage in his car. he refused to let her out despite my pleas and when i tried to physically get her out, he pulled out a gun and pointed it at me.

i prone onto the ground to protect myself from him in case he open fire at me. the police had been activated and one had stealthily crept up to behind my brother behind his car seat. sensing danger, he raised his gun, pointed at me and just as he was about to pull the trigger, the policeman fired a shot.

i couldn't see the bullet but heard a thunderous bang and the next thing i knew, my brother slumped forward, his hand dropped the gun and all was quiet. there was no blood and it was all silent. and almost immediately, the reality that i had witnessed my brother being killed hit me and i broke into tears, wailing as i did so.

i opened my eyes. it was all dark and quiet. i reached out to my phone and noted it was 4:03am. i went back to bed. it had been a terrible night for me, tossing and turning, and my body aching...

start of 11th year

and so we start off our eleventh year just like any other day. no fanfare, no celebrations, no dinners, not even a breakfast together. just a simple message and that was how we went through this first day of our eleventh year. it's a weekday after all.

have been terribly busy through the day with work. in fact, i was so caught up with work. had to conduct a day of training and then to clear some of my days' tasks before i leave office. decided that i cannot answer every email/ complete every tasks and simply complete the most important one. and after that, the usual dinner with mum and maid outside followed by shopping and then home.

and that wrapped up how i spend the day.

easily captured in one word - routine.

:-)

rock-a-bye baby

i have decided to take a tab of lorazepam tonight, really felt the need to take it to aid my sleep. and i took a b12 tab with it too. thought it'll help me cope with things at this moment.

let's hope the night passes by peacefully

zzz..

(?)

happy 10th anniversary

although i have refused to initiate any conversation since last month, i decided to text him this time.

happy 10th anniversary.

it's better to initiate this than to wonder whether he remembers, or whether he will text me, or...

it's for my own sanity.

i needed it for myself.

exclusively gay, & happy about it

read a rather interesting article before bed this morning. it spoke about the gay-straight continuum and proposed a scale that showed the 7 different categories of people between heterosexual and homosexuals based both on one's identity and behaviour (see above). it also proposed how we humans should view human sexuality and suggested that the majority of humans are actually bisexuals (see diagram below). 

and i tried to do the kinsey scale test, i got myself rated as shown...

well, no surprise right? 

lol...

paw dropped off

i had a really weird dream early this morning. it went something like this...

i was at my main door and i threw something at sapphie (my dog). i couldn't remember if it was food or a toy but when i threw it, she scrambled to grab it. but for some reasons, she scrambled on the spot and couldn't really move forward. it looked a little comical. but when i looked closely, i saw something very disturbing - one of her hind paw had broken off from her leg and she could hardly stand. she seemed to be in great pain as she struggled with her pawless hind leg. i rushed forward to pick her up in my attempt to help her. for that moment, i didn't know what to do. should i keep her paw in ice water so that the vet may re-attach it back to her body? i didn't know what to do. i could only sit there and cradle her as i tried to calm her.

but somehow, there was no blood in the whole scene. was i saw was simply a furry paw.

hmmm... weird right?

collapsing building

i took a morning nap after breakfast and was jolted from it by a very bad dream.

in the dream, i vaguely recall i was in some sort of a work group and trying to solve an issue. all the members of the team had left and i was left alone in the room. i was trying very hard to scribble some answers on a piece of paper. the "teacher" (dreams are like this, for a while, it was work, then it seemed like we were in a classroom setting) had excused himself after asking us to continue. then 2 ladies from marketing department (that was what my dream told me although i didn't know who they were in real life) came and told me they have been told to join my team. i had to move myself from the table (which had became a corner of the room) to make space for them. one of the ladies was rather impatient and went off to look for the "teacher". she wanted him to quickly come back and facilitate the session. after she went off, the other lady sat beside me quietly and continue with the  task of solving the problem given to us.

and then, the building started tilting. i could see the angle of the tilt when i looked out of the window. the angle created by the building window and another building outside indicated to me that the building had tilted close to 30 degrees to my right. it was scary. and next thing i knew, we (the lady beside me and myself) had to hold on to the handle bar (that suddenly appeared on the walls) so that we do not slip. but just as quickly as it tilted, it went back to its upright position again. i contemplated running out of the building as i suspected it would collapse soon. but before i could even make up my mind, the building started tilting again. this time, it did not stop at 30 degrees. it continued and the when it reach more than 45 degrees, the tilt picked up speed and the building started collapsing. in my sleep, i could feel my heart dropping. it was really scary.

and i woke up, my heart pounding furiously and i was perspiring.

i had napped for about half an hour.

scary. freaking scary.

marvel's avengers: age of ultron

fast-paced, non-stop action. entertaining. but i must say that at times, it was action overdose - too many people flying all over, fighting and all in slow motion. then again, when i reminded myself that it was a comic after all, things fell into perspective. also, i like the way the movie dealt with the softer side of the various individual - their past, their love life, their family. gave an additional dimension to the various characters. regretfully, we are gonna miss quite a few characters in the next film. for a start, thor will not be there.

i enjoyed the show.

tender kidney (?)

i have been experiencing this dull tenderness feel at the level/ location of my right kidney at my back. at times, it was a dull pain but at times, the pain can be quite acute especially when i pressed on it. have experienced this pain before and have spoken to the urologist about it. but the response i get was always similar - nothing to worry about. let's just hope this time round there is nothing nasty about it. will give it a week or two more and see how. 

if it persists, i'll probably head to my family clinic.

mouth ulcers

my mouth ulcers are killing me!

there are three altogether - two on the upper lip and one huge one on the lower lip. and they are superbly painful. they are creating havoc for me cos it very difficult to talk, eat and drink! and to manage the stinking sensation, i have been applying the numbing agent but end up with the lips drying up and cracking. 

arggghhh...

sleepy

i am not sure why but i have been feeling so sleepy these days, so much that i have problems trying to stay awake. just yesterday, i couldn't keep my eyes open as i read the newspapers. i kept dozing off and when i tried my very best to stay awake, i found myself unable to read pass a certain word...

the funny thing was this - i did not stay up late nor did i change my sleep patterns in recent days. 

hmmm...

end-of-10

this post marks the last day of our ten years together

it'll be our 10th anniversary tomorrow
this start of this decade-old relationship is gonna be a quiet one
i am not even sure if he remembers

end of 9 (start of 10), end of 8 (start of nine), end of 7 (start of 8), end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

pic from http://cdn.mysitemyway.com/

oa

i finally visited to my family doctor.

apart from the usual sore throat, cough, body aches, feverish feeling, etc, i told the doctor about the stabbing pain i had been feeling at my left knee cap since a week ago. he asked a couple of questions, took a look and simply said he suspected it was oa (ostheo-athritis), something that people in their late-40s and above are susceptible to. it's a natural process of aging, especially amongst people who exercise... well, his response was not unexpected. i was not the least affected by it for i have already accepted that such issues would appear as i age. so... i supposed the days of intense exercise is never gonna come back for me.

so for now, let's just say i have another issue to manage.

:-)

medical leave

i felt so disturbed this week at my workplace and i finally decided to take an mc for tomorrow. well, of course, i was able to do so cos i have been feeling rather sickly for the past couple of days and had been drowning myself with lots and lots of water. so, i headed off to my family doctor who examined me and told me i needed to rest and gave me an mc even without me asking for it. but of course, this one day mc will likely go badly with my boss cos he mentioned before that anyone who is really sick would be awarded 3 days mc, and thus a person would be skiving/ malingering if he/ she was to be given anything less than that. but i couldn't care less. as i said, i felt too disturbed.

yes, disturbed. and if i might add, drained and unmotivated. heading to work these days seemed so much like a chore and i literally had to drag myself to work every morning. and the reason why i felt disturbed this week was because of an incident 2 days ago. it involved a colleague of mine whom my boss didn't like. he screamed at her for some things that he felt didn't meet his standard and when she tried to explain the details and the history behind the issue, he used words like "you are a liar! and you consistently lie to me! you tried to cover up for many things and gave favours to your friends..." well, of course, these allegations were totally not true as far as i was aware. i felt he had gone overboard. as for my colleague, she simply kept quiet despite all his allegations and abusive words.

i had been coaching this colleague of mine and i could sense her anger, but she kept her cool and did not respond. i finally had a talk and shared my views with her yesterday. i thought she should have at least respond to him and not kept quiet. by keeping quiet, she had indirectly given him the unintended message that he was right. this incident reminded me of a similar one where he called me a liar. I simply told him i didn't agree and that he could verify the details by asking around, which he did not. anyway, her response to my sharing was not unexpected for she said she didn't want to agitate him further, and that she needed the job. but she did admit that she almost wanted to throw her resignation on the spot but had controlled herself.

this was but one of the several scolding sessions i witnessed this past couple of days and i was rather affected by it. in fact, i was at the point of wanting to just walk away and not head back to office. yup, that was how i felt. 

so, i needed the break. 

i needed the mc. 

are you japanese?

an interesting thing happened to me monday morning on my way to work. i walked out of my back gate and a lady asked me "are you japanese?"

hmmm... i supposed it was because i had had a haircut the night before where i cropped my own hair really short. i wanted to keep my head cool in this terribly hot and humid weather. so...

anyway, watashiwa shingapōrudesu!

lol!

ps: perhaps, i should have just replied - oh, i am not, but i certainly love to watch japanese porn! lol!

hot & humid

it's so bloody hot and humid these days! and it's so bad, i could sleep in the nude with my fan blasting at me and still wake up with my whole body feeling all sticky with perspiration! ok, i have exaggerated a little here. i do cover myself with my comforter when i sleep. but yeah... it is so terribly warm and humid these days and it's expected to get warmer...

darned!

home, the animation

watched this show last night as i wanted something light and uplifting. but guess what? i ended up sleeping through half the show. was just too tired. then again, for the parts that i caught when i was awake, i actually enjoyed it.

:-)

happier & better

"let no one ever come to you without leaving feeling better & happier..." 

this is something i have tried to live by for as long as i possibly could and thus the sentence in the quote above that resonated with me; especially currently when i am facing a lot of hostility from some people. 

and i can say - this is easier said than done. nonetheless, it is always important to try, and even more importantly, to make it a habit. as for me, i am still trying and am not successful all the time. and i say so because for people who are hostile to me, i cannot do it. the most i can be is neutral. how to make them feel happy or better if in the first place, i myself get trashed by them and in the course of it, feel shitty. so in such situations, if i cannot make them happy or better, the least i can do is to just ignore and walk away. it would at least minimise the possibility of getting myself flustered.

lilting 2014

chong send me this link on tuesday but i did not watch it until thursday night. and once i started, i couldn't stop and by the time i ended, i was 1-plus in the morning. it was such a touching and intimate film and captured the process of how a mother and a partner both came to terms with the death of a son/ partner, and how they connected despite the differences in culture and the language barrier.

was told to prepare tissue paper before i watched but i did not cry. i did not even tear nor feel a lump in my throat. i watched it from a third person point of view and constantly reminded myself that it was a show. and although i was moved by the show and the story that unfolded, i must add that i found it rather regretful that yet again, we have a gay-themed story that had a tragic story line. all gay-themed stories i have watched tend to be negative in nature. perhaps this reflects the current state of acceptance of gay men in the society. 

it's sad, but positively thinking, compared to what it was like some 20-over years ago, i think we have progressed much. and i think we will come to a time where gays and straights can coexist side-by-side, with full acceptance by all. but i think i will not live to see that day.

watch the full movie via this link or cut and paste the following onto your browser:
http://movhd.pw/hd/play.php?movie=2560102

:-)

torn cartilage?

went for a jog thursday night and couldn't sleep after that. 

whenever i turn in bed, my left knee cap would experience this sharp pain and i would be jolted from my sleep. i suspect i might have torn my cartilage. but well, let's wait for a couple of days before i decide if i should see the doctor.

sighs... seems like there're lots of medical issues these days..

:-(

pitiful him

after working with this boss for 4 months, and having to suffer his daily downloading on people, i have observed a certain trend in his behavior. he likes to direct his tensions at 2 of my colleagues. for me, i have learned to avoid any verbal exchanges with him, choosing to instead communicate with him via emails, and even then only when absolutely necessary. this is becos whenever i speak with him, he'll end up screaming at me. and as for emails, he has a tendency to reply me (and keeping all other addressees out) and tell me how to reply, even if he's in the cc list. it's quite irksome, especially when i am a senior person myself. also, he has his 2 super favourite staff and always talks to them very nicely, and for that matter, side with them even if they do super duper glaring mistakes. outright favoritism.

and after observing this behavior, i now pity him. he is a highly strung person and i suspect he will one day die of stress, if not of a massive heart attack or go crazy from anxiety, or paranoia. and i say this becos he is superbly anxious about things, always suspect people want to cheat the system, and always thinks that people are out to harm him. just yesterday, i have a colleague who sent an email seeking advice about how to go about applying for a training course. now, the course is rather expensive and thus, i did some checks and consulted him (my boss) about a training bond. well, as to be expected, he asked tons of questions to which i did some search in the internet and responded to him with the details. he quickly replied that the link i provided was not appropriate and that the department was taking me for a ride with the intent to cheat the system. sensing potential tensions, i walked to his office (much as i hated to do and have all these while avoided doing) and explained to him the whole background behind this training application.

and his starting point was - why is the department asking for a course for these 2 persons? these 2 must be recently recruited right (his assumption)? and he went on to to conclude - see! our hiring process is totally screwed up. but when i reverted to him that these are staff who had been with the company for 4-5 years, he then asked - why apply for such course now? how did the company lasted 4-5 years and suddenly want to send staff for this course? and he quickly and angrily added that he found it unacceptable that the bloody department is blaming hr for the screw up, etc (again, his own assumption). and before i could even explain, he then went on to alleged that the manager must be making use of the opportunity to give something to them because they didn't do well in their performance grading and now using such courses to cover up for his inability to give them a good ranking (again, his assumptions cos i know for a fact that these 2 staff are very good)? and then with all these assumptions that he concluded was the real reasons, he went on and screamed at me for not managing this whole process well and that i am allowing people to cheat the system. and he went on and on about how i should handle such people, how i should... his didn't allow me to interject and his one-directional conversation with me was intersperse words that were deliver with a tensed up face and with his teeth clenched and fist banging on his table. 

the whole conversation was totally off. i simply stood there, initially trying to be assertive but finally just letting him went on and on and on and getting himself all flustered for totally no reasons. and when he paused for a moment, i simply replied him that i hear him and i will check with the department if this is a training that is compulsory and required by regulators, cos if it was, then we have not further say but to send them for the training.

this was but one simple example of how conversations with him always moved in such directions because of his own assumptions. really, i pity him. i mean, i can and have to a certain extend, learned to ignore him and his total nonsense as well as his very clear favouritism, but i know for a fact that if he continue to be this way, he will one day kill himself. and much as i do not wish to see such things happen to him, i also know it is not the right time, place nor appropriate for me (and for that matter, i am not the right person) to give him any advice. 

i simply wish him peace.

daisy

daisy, the family dog of a long time friend, died this morning. she was 15. i had watched her grow over the years. witnessed how the little chow chow grew from a playful little puppy into one fussy young dog who growled and barked at me when i tried to pat her (she obviously didn't find me too appealing and i guessed she might have smelled sapphie's scent on me) to a grand old dame that chose to simply lie on her tummy, forelegs stretched forward and hind legs stretched straight backwards, day-in and day-out. and over the last two years, she wouldn't even bother to respond when i went near her. and when i scratched her neck, she would simply stay still, eyes looked upwards at me and wagged her tail weakly.

this morning, i got a text message from my friend asking if i have a vet where they could bring daisy to. apparently, she had barked in the morning and seemed agitated. and within a few hours, she got so weak she couldn't move and her stomach was bloated. i gave the contact of the vet but even before the family could react, daisy passed away. i felt so sad to hear of the news. daisy might not be my pet, but i had watched her grow and she was family.

but i was gladdened by the fact that my friend's two children, who had been overseas attending boarding school, had returned and the whole family was with her when she passed away. i guessed she must have waited for the kids' return cos one of them (who is about the same age as daisy literally grew up with her and was really close to daisy) had been away the last 2 years and had returned for her term break. but well... it was the two kids' first experience with death and grief.

may she rest in peace...

will miss her.

lessons learned - about ourselves

i reflected quite a lot about the lessons i learned from the south asians in my earlier post. and when i looked at ourselves, i realised how ugly we can be/ have been. these were some of the things i was reminded about in contrast - and i wanna qualify here - not all singaporeans are like this, in fact i choose to hope and believe that it is the minority. but regrettably, it was these minority's behaviour that was amplified through the media to give that impression that singaporeans are xenophobic. similarly, i choose to believe not all foreign workers behave badly but for the few who made it to the headlines, they regrettably amplify the perception that all foreign workers misbehave and do so terribly. but yeah, here are some points that i felt regretful about some of the things i have observed of singaporeans in general...

singaporeans have become self-centric

and this phenomenon has resulted in singaporeans who do not band nor play together unless they are required to. it is so contrasting compared to the years passed where we are more communalistic. a generation ago, we were poor, we survived by being frugal, by having the gotong royong, communalistic-, kampong-spirit attitude. we support one another, regardless of language, religion or race. we respect one another. when i was a toddler, it was already the post-racial riots periods and we had learnt the hard lessons about not respecting our differences. so, coming together was natural for us. not anymore. and i think our design of our houses and public space contributed to this. let me share further.

• privacy vs interactions. in our attempts to make our homes safe, we have actively promoted designs that favours privacy instead of promoting interactions. added to this, we screw ourselves up by planning for common spaces at places where people don't interact naturally. just look at void decks. when we started, void decks were void of homes so that people can interact, but we realised that void decks are totally void of anything and we now use it for facilities like old age homes, rehabilitation centers, etc.  

• pressure of needs. to cater to convenience and in the name of upgrading, we built lifts for people on all floors. while this was also a natural thing given the aging populations, etc, this compounded to the challenges of getting people to interact! and over time, we have people who no longer identify with the people living around them. instead, many of the people we interact with when we are home now exists in cyberspace and not our neighbours.  

singaporeans have become greedy

associated with the above is greed. many singaporeans have this "i, me, myself" thinking these days. many have this self-above-community attitude. as a result, the "me" and "this is mine" attitude brings out the worst in a person. and this is made worst by the fact that singaporeans are, in general, "kiasu" (afraid to lose out to others). personally, i think being kiasu can be a virtue, such as when we are kiasu as a team but at the individual-level, accommodating and supportive. that was perhaps what we were years ago and that was perhaps what made us progress as one people, and one nation. but today, we are kiasu in a self-centred manner. yup, self-above-community as i stated above. i can go on about this topic and i can cover things like how egoistic we are, how we are so conscious about status, etc. but i shan't. it is too loaded a topic to go into.

well, don't you agree with what i wrote? sounds bad right? i am sure every single singaporean can see parts of themselves in what i wrote above. i also believe many would openly deny it but secretly admit to it. 

no? 

:-)

lessoned learned - about & from them

i have not properly synthesised my reflections and the points below are rather off-the-cuff. as mentioned, the context here was - a group of south asians walking away from the undeveloped site after their game of cricket and a few of them broke away from the group, bade their farewells and walked/ or cycled past me and headed towards my estate. the remaining of the group continued walking towards the construction site (presumably construction workers). this happened sunday morning after my morning walk as i was walking home.

a quite few things hit me after the event, and they were:

• these people were obviously from different background and worked in different industries (judging from the direction they were heading) yet came together to play games. it was interesting and it was something that i probably will not be able to see happening amongst singaporeans, apart from national service and even then, it was a case of a mandatory requirement and not voluntary as what i saw here. and from this, i learned about togetherness without class-distinction, of social support, of playing together, of coming together to celebrate the simple fact that they are a family, away from their family. and from here, i also learned about the power of games and its ability to bring people together.

• from the south asians working and (presumably) staying in the construction sites, i have seen many of them harvesting little fishes from the canal for food previously and i have seen how they lived modestly, ate simply and still are cheerful as they go about their routines of living their life after work. and for many, if not all of these individuals, they had left everything behind, embraced the new environment and make the best of their stay here in the most frugal manner in order to support themselves and their families back home. and most importantly, i see them having fun as they went about doing their daily little activities, be it harvesting fishes, eating or simply sitting by the roadside and enjoying the stars. from this, i learned about adaptiveness, frugality, resourcefulness and making the best out of life. it reminded me of this little phrase, when life throws lemon at you, make lemonade.

these are things we don't see frequently nor being publicized in the media. they are not newsworthy. but these close-up views and insights into their lives allowed me to learn some stuff from them that also made me very thankful to them. they are, in essence, the modern version of the samsui woman and they share the same motivations and characteristics as the samsui woman of days passed. do they not also embody the values of handwork, frugality, sacrifices, strength and if i may add, resilience? are they also not the silent teachers amongst us?

well, of course you may argue that i am reading too much cos these people are just simply coming here to earn a living and then to move on. and from this perspective, do not deserve being framed in such noble manner, much less a silent teacher! perhaps so, but certainly they do deserve our respect as much as those in the teaching profession right? and oh, i was also reminded of this one other buddhist phrase i read somewhere - that the teacher will appear when the student is ready. and i dare say, lessons are all over for us to learn, we just need to open our eyes and our hearts to it. for when we can do so, life is full of lessons to be learned.

and for that moments sunday morning, i learned a lot from these south asians.

thank you.

the samsui woman

today, whenever we talk about the people involved in building the country, we remember political figures such as the late lee kuan yew, toh chin chye, rajaratnam and so on. we also fondly remember the silent workers, the nurses, the labourers and significantly, the samsui women. the latter comprised a community of women who toiled a significant part of their life doing simple labourer jobs like carrying bricks to aid builders of yesteryears and they are recognised by their signature red-cloth headgear.

all of them came from china to earn a living and many left the job and went back to china when the demand for them dwindled. a few stayed behind and are in their 70s or 80s today, if they are still alive. we recall them affectionately whenever we talk about the early years of singapore.  and we continue to reflect on their contributions whenever we talk about values - values such as commitment, hardwork, sacrifices, strength and for that matter, female independence.

fast forward to 2000s, we continue to build the country at a neck-breaking pace. singapore is no longer a third world country, but a developed metropolis that enjoy one of the highest standard of living in the world. and instead of samsui women, we now have construction site workers from all over asia and they include bangladeshis, chinese, koreans, indians, etc. visually, we can probably group them into two based on their skin tone - dark-skinned south asians that came from india or bangladesh and the fair-skinned central and northern asians from china, korea and to a smaller extent, japan. most of the former work as construction workers whereas for the latter, koreans and japanese tend to be of the executive and supervisory-grades whereas chinese tend to be employed as construction workers.

i know it is not fair to generalise but when we see them from afar, the tendency for us is to generalise based on visual features and associate them with the characteristics of what we know of indians and chinese (given that chinese are the largest number represented here). and a clear example was when my mum tried using malay to speak to a bangladeshi worker sometime back. he couldn't understand her and replied her in english "ah ma, you speak malay i cannot understand". haha! over the last couple of years, we also see the extra negative publicity created by small numbers of such workers and that created quite a bit of xenophobic reactions from some singaporeans.

it was against this backdrop that i started my reflections - construction workers, same job functions, same place, different time, different people.

picture from https://farm9.staticflickr.com/

my sunday reflections

i went for a walk-a-jog around my estate earlier and saw some south asians playing cricket at an undeveloped site. i assumed they were construction workers from the construction sites nearby and didn't think twice about it. as i walked home, i saw a couple of the individuals cycled away and i was quite surprised to see these few cycling past me and towards the direction of my estate (instead of heading towards the construction site) as they bade farewell to the rest of the group.

this inspired quite a few reflections on my part and i shall capture them in 3 parts:

• the samsui woman
• lessons learned - about & from them
• lessons learned - about ourselves

read on...

cooling me down

i downed 2 huge glasses of antelope horn's drink this morning. and now, just before heading to bed (and thanks to steve's suggestion), i have just downed a can of beer. beer has this effect of cooling me down whenever i feel heaty. and certainly, the slight high it gives me is a most welcoming effect too. especially in my current state of mind. so... yeah...

am fe  el  i   n    ga l        itt l  e    l      igh   t-h    ead  e   d    no   w.

l   e t's hop e i d on't wa   k e up t ooo      ft   e n t o p  e  e l ate   r on!

h  ah          a.

maintaining the peace

as an introvert, it is all so easy to just keep quiet and just feel the presence. perhaps this is the best way to prevent misunderstanding. i need not make any effort to make conversations. in fact, i might have killed my urge to do so. and at this moment as i type this entry, i am reminded of the question - is it easier to love or to be loved? really, for me now, it's not a matter of easy or not. when the heart is there, anything is possible - whether it is to love or to be loved. rather, the issue and the challenge is - regardless of love or to be loved, how to avoid misunderstanding and maintain the peace.

agree?

new relationship

and so i ended my relationship yesterday and started my life with a new one. oh, i am talking about my car. after hesitating for years and refusing to change my car despite the frequent breakdowns, i continued to hold on to it. being sentimental about it given the long duration it had been with me, and the hassle to have to go through the process of change and to get use to a new one were some of the reasons that made me continue to hold on to it. but finally and surely, the relationship ended yesterday. damned, this paragraph from the third sentences onwards can be used to describe many relationships between two persons too, regardless of sexuality! haha... anyway...

friday evening i went to the car dealer for the final hand over of my previous car and to take over the new (used) car. there were lots of documentations to be done - insurance, car loans, neutral party vehicle check reports, etc. after all the documentations were done and payment made, i formally took over the car.

we walked to the car. it sparkled from afar. they had spruced up the exterior of the car, waxed the body, shined the sports rim, polished the tyres, changed the car plate, and so on. as for the interior, i was hit by the lemon scent once i entered the car. and under the brightness of the day (as opposed to the dim and darkened skies when i went to view the car), i saw small flaws here and there. scratches on the window, minor dents on the body, little knocks here and there. i pointed them out to the sales agent and he was also taken aback. oh, these are things we have missed out too, he murmured. well, i didn't make a fuss. after all, it was a used car, slightly more than 5-years for that matter. and thus, it wouldn't be fair for me to expect it to be flawless. otherwise, i noted it was well cleaned.

and i must add this - the lemon scent was rather refreshing. it was a whole lot better than the smell i experienced when i test drove it monday. most old cars tend to have this cigarette smell in them and as for this car, when i first entered it and switched on the air-con, the pong really hit me. well, actually it was a smell not unfamiliar to me. it smelled so much of cum! yes, cum, human sperm. no joke. for a quick moment, it felt like i was in a car where someone had just cummed big time. you know, the lingering smell after one orgasmed (or "orr-gassed" as some would call it) during car sex? well, that did not distract me from my focus on the functionality of the car - was the engine ok? was the drive smooth? was the drive quiet? did the engine emit any weird sounds, etc. everything was ok. apart from the sperm smell. ok, i have digressed. now, back to the taking over of the car.

so, after all the checks, the car dealer showed me how to operate all the small details of the car and the accessories. and once all the checks were done,  i formally took over the car. mum went into it happily and soon enough, we were on our way for dinner.

it's the start of a new relationship. 

with a used car, that is.

:-)