life in turmoil

Realized that with all the dynamics currently going on in my life, I am afterall not so strong afterall, despite telling myself I need to pick myself up from all my work and personal issues. Been suffering from sleepless nights and whenever I dozed off, I'd dream of my dead relatives returning to look after me or my close family members dying. I also dreamt of my ex-boss lying in a coffin and telling me that his time is up and he is getting ready to go. I even dreamt of my good friend being butchered to death and woke up just before the assailant axe me. I am, in fact, quite afraid to fall asleep now. What does all these mean? Life can be so overwhelming when everything happens at the same time.

At work, I'd been called up and interrogated by my security department recently about my sexuality. And suddenly, a lot of things started to happen. for a start, my security clearance had been removed. My assistant chief of HR called me us and told he he will not judge my morality but I will have to accept that the organization will have to take necessary actions on me. For a start, my scholarship would be revoked. I am technically employed but not deployable. Things are really in a limbo. Been on leave for a week. How am I gonna face my colleagues and bosses once I get back to work. How? How?

And my personal life is also in a mess, neglected by my current partner and got to know someone new recently. Then I found out that he is attached and he could not commit. Yet, from what he tells me, I think that person treats him more like a friend than a partner. Find myself giving him my blessings and telling him that I will be happy as long as he is. I have been crying and slipping into bouts of depression.

Sighs... It is now 3am and I am still awake tossing and turning, thinking of him, thinking of what's gonna happen at work, thinking of family problems, etc. Sometimes, it feels so right to just end everything all at once.

You and me against the world - Helen Reddy

You and me against the world,
Sometimes it seems like you and me against the world,
When all the others turn their backs and walked away,
You can count on me to stay.

Remember when the circus came to town
How you were frightened by the clown,
Wasn't it nice to be around someone that you knew,
Someone who was big and strong and looking out for

You and me against the world,
Sometimes it seems like you and me against the world
And for all the times we've cried I always felt that
God was on our side.

And when one of us is gone,
And one of us is left to carry on,
Then remembering will have to do,
Our memories alone will get us through
Think about the days of me and you,
Of you and me against the world.

Brave New World

It's been a tumultous few weeks.

Now, I am starting life afresh. Spoke to my loved ones about my thoughts, my emotions, my life, the people in my life, my work, my future, etc.

It's so good to be able to let everything go and see things from a new perspective. Remembered that once I wrote the lyrics of this song "Once I was afraid I was petrified"... now, what comes to mind is the song that goes... "

You and me against the world... sometimes when all the others turn their back and walk away, you can count on me to stay, and when one of us is gone, when one of us is left to carry on..." well, maybe not totally relevant nor in the right context, but all I can say is that my mind is blank now and...

Anyway, to my new beginning.

I must be brave.

I must be strong.

I must carry on.

Horses

Earlier this year, my colleague told me that this year, I'll have lots of encounters (read - romantic encounters) with people born in the year of the Horse. I laughed it off. But of late, it seemed that I am experiencing many emotional ups and downs due to such people (esp someone born in 1978). And interestingly enough, those who send emails to me in Fridae giving me words of encouragements are almost exclusively from the Horse year too! Coincidences? How uncanny... Nonetheless, I sincerely thank all the ponies and horses (you know who you are!) for their kind words.

Bitten then Burnt

Bitten by the bug and burnt to the core.

My life over the past 3 plus weeks had been one of confusion, pain, happiness, etc all rolled into one. Abnormal behaviours exhibited during these weeks include constant checking of my phone for smses, constant yearning of phone calls, etc and all these never came.

Going out for dinners and shows and feeling loved and showered with care followed by cold shoulders, avoidance and silence. I am thoroughly confused. I found myself getting depressed time and again.

Perhaps it is time for me to let go.

Beginning of the end?

Is this the beginning of the end? My 6th anniversary of coming together would be the new date for my parting of ways? Am I wrong to, for the first time in my life, decide to seek what I want and not what others want?

U're in the Q

Life sucks when someone u are madly in love with tells u that u are in the queue and that he cannot commit (as yet) as he feels bad for the other (few) who was before u... wat the %$%&*^(*%*& rite? move on, move on... life's too short to queue.

When you say you love me - Josh Groban

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth,
And frozen in time,
Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

[bridge:]

And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,

I know why I'm alive
When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

My Confession - Josh Groban

I have been blind, unwilling to see
The true love you're giving.
I have ignored every blessing.
I'm on my knees confessing

That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.

And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

I have been wrong about you.
Thought I was strong without you.
For so long nothing could move me.
For so long nothing could change me.
Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am captured by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

[bridge:]

You are the air that I breath.
You're the ground beneath my feet.
When did I stop believing?

Cause I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart
Falling into place.

I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

Hear my confession

so many things to relate but could not pen it down

i am so so so glad weekend is here;

there are just so many many things that happened today at work and so ... ** deleted ** then again, seemed like many of the things that happened today cannot be written here without compromising my nature of work and my identity... self-imposed restrictions (again) for fear of consequences if i am outed... or is it just what `they' refer to as `responsible behaviour'? I donno... sounds familiar?

if you love someone, let him/ her go

frankly, was really touched by li shengjie's song - esp the one abt him letting go and giving his blessings to his girlfriend when she admitted to him that she has fallen in love with his best friend instead.

He sings - when you told me you have fallen in love with my best friend, i realised that feeling aches in my heart is worst off than feeling heartbroken... it is natural for you two to long for a LTR and happiness and to fall in love is natural and you have freedom of choice. I wish you two well.

He also muttered to himself - I will feel devastated if you end up lonely in the end for this is not hat I wished for when I gave 2 of you my blessings...

So magnaminous of him right? Epitome of the phrase - if you love someone, let him/ her go....

but frankly, is there really such altruism in life? I wonder...

integrated initiatives

From the word go, we have scores of people voicing their support for `it'.

(me too admittedly. actually quite excited about it).

and hey want to point out this - despite all the pros and cons, one thing seemed weird to me - how come all those who oppose to `it' did not consider the fact the we have such facilities on cruises that operate off our ports? or the fact that the closest facility to us is less than an hour by flight from home to the city of our closest neighbour?

also wondered, if so much efforts and institutions can come out with the many programmes to counter the expected `ill-efects' and `social fall-outs' if `it' is implemented, wouldn't it seemed a wee bit possible that such an effort can also be put in place to accomodate GLBTs so that our country get a portion of the `pop culture pie' (the pink portion)?

hmmmm, then again, perhaps pink dollars may not necessarily generate an amount of revenue that could match that of such integrated initiatives hor? really, a case of money maketh the world go round? perhaps one fine day when we have more pull-factor, our great country may consider an integrated approach to integrate the country to the idea of opening up to us pink people.

hmmm...

moral judgement

when someone says he will not attempt to pass his moral judgement on you, has he already not done so by mentioning it?

best gift

the best gift u can give yourself is

- to forgive someone

- to accept yourself

memorable quotes

> him yelling at me in the car along xilin road at 2330hrs
- i can never hold an intellectual discussion with you!

> Reflecting when he came back literally begging for me to accept him
- i fought with god and i won

> During my NSF days, along Foxhound Ave, my PC
- since you fuckers cannot obey orders like human being, i shall henceforth use my whistle to give orders!

> During my NSF days, in Taiwan, my mentor
- for once, can you stop saying `Yes, Sir'?
- for fuck sake, can you stop smiling?

> During my NSF days, at 4am in the morning being tekan by my mentor
- I want to make you so fucking shag, the smile will disappear from your face

> During my NSF days, at 2am in the morning, my mentor
- Platoon, Turn Out!

> During my NSF days, at 3.30am after a change parade, wet and drenched, my graduating seniors
- sword & torch, a symbol of ....
- daring initiatives
- undaunted willpower
- absolute fitness...

> Visiting my Sec 2 Sc teacher when I was in JC
- for the first time since you left sec school, i see you walking and not bouncing!

m'ries, some familiar tunes

Donnie & Marie-
May tomorrow, be a perfect day, may you find love and laughter all the way, may god keep you in his tender care, till he brings us together again... Good night every body!

Mickey Mouse
- M-I-C-K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!

Xiao Bao Li Xian Ji
- Xiao Ba You Ge Pu Wa WaWa Wa Huei Bian Fa...

Xiao Qing Wa
- Ku Kua Ku Kua Xiao Qing Wa...

Solid Gold
- ...my head keeps spinning to music, spinning to gold... SOLID GOLD!

Everyday Milk Powder
- Build lively body for lively might,every day with EVERYDAY...

Anchor Butter
- Anchor Butter, butter's better..

Lullaby - When I was a baby
- Yee Ah Or Or Koon
Jit Meh Tua Jit Chun
Yee Ah Or Or Si-ot
Jit Meh Tua Jit Chiot!

(Hokkien - Tanslation)

- Sweetly sleeps my baby
- May he grow by an inch a night
- Sweetly sleeps my darling
- May he grow by a foot a night!

freedom

and i wish i am an eagle
and i wish i could spread my wings
flying high high like a bird in the sky
over mountains and forests and seas...

(adapted from my favourite song from ABBA)

EAGLE (ABBA)

They came flyin' from far away, now I'm under their spell
I love hearing the stories that they tell
They've seen places beyond my land and they've found new horizons
They speak strangely but I understand

And I dream I'm an eagle
And I dream I can spread my wings
Flyin' high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
Over mountains and forests and seas
And to go anywhere that I please

As all good friends we talk all night, and we fly wing to wing
I have questions and they know everything
There's no limit to what I feel, we climb higher and higher
Am I dreamin' or is it all real

Is it true I'm an eagle
Is it true I can spread my wings
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
(What a feeling)
Over mountains and forests and seas
And to go anywhere that I please

And I dream I'm an eagle
And I dream I can spread my wings
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
(What a feeling)
Over mountains and forests and seas
Flying high, high, I'm a bird in the sky
(I'm an eagle)
I'm an eagle that rides on the breeze
High, high, what a feeling to fly
(What a feeling)
Over mountains and forests and seas
And to go anywhere that I please

mid-life crisis?

was flipping thru my old stuff yesterday and had the chance to flip thru my photo albums, birthday cards, greeting cards, old letters - yup, those days we wrote letters when there was no internet, etc. was reminded of my sec school, college life, uni, NSF, etc etc etc and all the friends i had. was also reminded of my teenage crushes and closest of friends. suddenly, i felt a great sense of crisis, of panic, of depression. I felt that I had really not achieved much, at least for myself. Perhaps I had done lots for my company but for myself - none.

Then it also struck me that I had passed my prime, and I couldn't help but feel a total sense of lost and helplessness. It seemed like my life has fast forwarded and that there is absolutely nothing I could do about it, that I had not spent it well enough, that my youth, my life, my friends, my family, everything has not been lived up to what I had wanted it to be. Momentarily, I also blamed the people tat my life has revolved around (esp currently) for not giving me the fulfilment I had sought, my emotional, psychological, physical needs etc.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I felt, and after this anger, I began to feel depress. Lost. Helpless. Is this the mid-life crisis that everyone is talking about? or is it just me and my expectations?

1 merlion, 2 perspectives

i was in primary 3 when it was installed. we had art competitions, story telling contests, excursions to elizabeth walk to view it, etc. 30yrs down the road today, i sat once again by the side of the merlion. memories came back, my childhood, my innocent days, they seemed so far away, yet seemed like yesterday. the merlion still reminds me of the magic of my childhood.

and there he was, james, sitting beside me by the merlion reading his book, oblivious of my reflections. he could not understand my silence; and the memories that the merlion evoked in me, he never will. to him, the critter is but an artificial construct, a marketing product to hardsell Singapore and nothing more.

one common icon, 2 different emotional associations/ attachments, 2 products of 2 different time?

weblogs

boon, a good friend of mine told me - you should write down your thoughts in a weblog so people can read your reflections/ experiences and who knows, people may just learn a lesson or two from them.

possible?

for me, if i weblog, it'll be for selfish reasons, for myself to document my life experiences and to remind me of my highs and lows in my life, to be my life journal. rather than to let people learn any lessons.

the cyberspace is already so clouded with weblogs and i really really doubt if mine is gonna make any difference.

:-)

shared values...

- nation before community and society above self

- family as a basic unit of society

- community support and respect for the individual

- consensus, not conflict

- racial and religious harmony

wondering aloud

always wondered if there are blind ajs.

if looks are so impt...

What I find important in a relationship....

I really dunno anymore...

Loving someone can be so painfully difficult when on one hand you want contentment, and on the other hand, you are emotionally and sexually so unfulfillied. You want intimacy, you want connection, you want some quality time, but all he wants is to do his work.

6 years, 6 years of repeated excuses to `dedicate' his time to his work - at work, at home, during weekday nights, during weekends, during all the time. All because he deems it necessary to prove himself. You call it obsession, he calls it passion. Passion? Obsession? Two sides of a same coin? At your expense. Fair?

You both are seen as partners by friends. His friends would comment how envious they are of you two for sustaining such a long and `loving relationship', but in reality, you really do not know his friends well and he absolutely refuses to even attempt to know your friends. Far as you are concerned, you are treated more like a father, a brother, a mother or for that matter, a maid. And he continues to do his work.

And amidst all these, you chose to look on the bright side. You do not want to break up cos you are just too tired to start the whole process of courtship anymore. Yet, amidst all these emotional torture, you still choose to live with him... is this love? or just plain stupidity?

I can't see the line anymore...

Are teachers all like this?

feeling threatened

I feel so naked, so observed, so insecure...Once I was afraid, I was petrified.... well, actually, I am still afraid and am still petrified... Believe many of us are, to varying degrees. Would consider myself a normal Singaporean trying to live my life, do my work and be responsible as a member of the larger society... I love my country, I love my fellow countrymen/women, but I do very much wish for a more open and accepting workplace and society!

my weird dog again!

once again, the battle of my dog and the (another) mynah carries on! yesterday, i came home from breakfast and found loose mynah feathers ll over my living room... but luckily this time round, there was no mynah carcass for me to clear! whew!

trying to make sense of me within my society

In a country that has a tumultous history where she was literally thrown out of Malaysia, Singapore has over the last 40 years devoted a large effort to building a national identity. Forging this identity is not easy considering the diverse ethnic and religious background of the people.

As such, the government has attempted to built a society that is based on a set of common values (common to all races and religion), these values (will not attempt to list them out) centered on the building of consensus as opposed to confrontation, family as a core unit of the society, family above self, country above family, etc...

If you noticed, then, that the self-element is very much discussed within a broader context of the family unit and in turn within the broader context of the society. These values that are neither based on race, religion, etc however, point to a more basic premise – that family is the core unit. Implied in this, also is that the family is a male-female-offspring family unit... (GLBTs are therefore not in the equation)... (regrettably).

Policies in most aspects of the society are therefore worked out along these set of lines. Eg, tax incentives for married couples, children-tax rebates, housing rebates incentives, etc are worked out in favour of married couples (male-female).

On the same token, you can also see policies that penalises people from marrying late, not marrying (including all the GLBTs), eg if you are not married, you are not allowed to purchase public housing until you are 35 or older and even then you are not allowed to purchase public housing in prime areas.... these are some of the details that perhaps GLBTs felt unfairly treated... not directly, but indirectly as a consequence of policies that favour marriage.

For the greater good? on one hand yes, but on the other, difficult and many a times frustrating...

facts of life...

some of my frustrations... me and my society

to know sgp and to understand my frustrations, perhaps it is good to understand that the island comprises 4 million second/ third generation immigrants... largely from asia, primarily china and india.

about close to 80% of the population today are chinese/indians, 15% are malays and the remaining a mixed of numerous other minor races.

amongst these mixed of asians, we have a hotchpotch of cultures coming together and together with religious and political sensitivity, (malays are largely muslim, chinese are largely christian and buddhist and taoist whereas the indians are largely hindus), the population is very much so conservative.

the government has all these years since independence, tried to promote inter-religious and inter-culture harmony. as such, what is commonly regarded or taken advantaged of in many countries, in sgp, it is very much promoted and much efforts are put in to ensure social harmony is maintained.

one of the values that have been promoted that is common to all races and religion is that of filial piety and family-centric values. these of course is well and good at the societal level, but it affects glbts. family-centric policies such as housing benefits for married couples, tax rebates for bearing children, etc indirectly also means the glbts are left out...

having promoted family-centric policies invariably also led to the general population being insensitive or for that matter, not well aware of glbts. as such, our lifestyles (a minority) where sex seemed to be the order of the day, so not go well with the community and as such, glbt lifestyle is often frowned upon. coupled with the fact that the society is steep in asian values, glbts and their lifestyle is something that is seen as foreign/ western imports. for example, asian family puts a high emphasis on the males passing down the family names and the sons as the bearer of the family name, pride and honour, having a gay son is therefore considered sacrilegious as many cannot accept the fact that they will not have offsprings and hence the threat of an end to a lineage...

for the younger str8 generation, despite having been exposed to western values, culture, etc, (and hence, glbt movements and sub-culture), it is often a case of `oh, i am ok with glbts... but hopefully it is not my brother, or sister, etc...'

frustrating? well, just facts of daily lives in this crossroads of east and west...

sighs...

thinking aloud…

i have a weird my dog...

i have a weird dog... she's afraid of cats, chases houseflies and mosquitos so that she can gulp them down, afraid of cockcroaches, and yesterday, she killed a mynah that came into the house to eat her food in her dog bowl... !!!

all about health...

Hv always led a v healthy lifestyle and ate healthily, no junk food, no soft drinks, moderate red meat, exercise 4-5 times weekly etc. but my recent few years have seen numerous spares parts problems growing by the days. first it was back ache, then, neck aches, then knees and ankle worn out (from too much running and sports), and the latest, suspected asthma (or was it due to haze?) and extremely high cholesterol! whew! considering i have always been careful abt my diet, now i have to cut of all eggs, egg-based products, read meat, oily stuff almost completely! and to think that I have constantly kept all these stuff to a moderate level! genetics?

hmmm...

young n old

interesting how one is so turned on by older guys when young n when one grows older, he is in turn so turned on by younger guys... a case of yearning for a sense of security n maturity when one does not hv them n youth when one lose it?

my blog

this is a post-dated post and it is more than 7 years late! i decide to add this post after realizing that there is no proper start to this blog and thought it would be nice if there is. after all, there is always something special about firsts right? well, i started my reflections in fridae. over time, the number of posts increased and my friend boon suggested i should consider capturing my reflections in a proper blog instead. and that was how everything started.

and so, i started searching the web for a blog engine that i am comfortable with and decided i would use blogger. as for the title, i had named it "being happy". it was later changed to "be happy" when someone commented about it. the comment was something to the effect that my posts were largely unhappy ones and therefore the title "being happy" was so inappropriate. i reflected on it and kinda agree with this person and decided to change to to "be happy", a title that perhaps reflects the state i wanna be rather than the state i am. happiness is a journey and the title shall reflect it as such, i concluded.

as to why "happy". this an important word cos it reflected the emotional state i want to be. "happy" is a simple 5-letter word. yet, this word carries a very profound meaning. cos to be truly happy, one needs to have one's material needs and expectations met. and personally to me, as a gay person who had spend the longest time in the closet trying to reconcile myself with my sexuality, happiness also meant i must first accept myself. only with self-acceptance can one learn to love oneself, be fair to oneself, reward oneself when it is due, punish oneself when standards are not met, strive harder when expectations are not met, and so on... when one can do all these, one can be considered to truly love oneself. only with this can one start to love others. otherwise, the love would not be authentic. it would merely be based on a lot of expectations. and that would not be true love, that would be nothing but a lot of insecurities.

so... before this intro gets too long... yup, this blog started as a way for me to pen my thoughts and my experiences. and through time, it has also become a medium for me to make friends and exchange views. it has been 7-over years and i do hope to continue blogging as least for the foreseeable future.

:-)