Hello from Sydney

Been quite a while since I came Sydney. Much have changed and it’s lovely to be able to catch up with an old friend while here!

:-)

My training track

I wanted to leverage my passion and strength in developing people post-corporate life. And I have written much about my progress in getting a coach certificate. The other track I am pursuing is training.

In order to give me the flexibility to balance my work and my life, I have worked towards getting engaged as an associate trainer in training companies. This whole journey started mid-2023 with me attending a trainer course and getting my trainer certification. Two months ago, I got accepted by a training company to teach their HR modules but they would require me to obtain a particular HR certificate before I can do so. I have started this process. I am also happy to share that yesterday, another company has accepted me as their associate trainer. They will be scheduling me for their trainer onboarding once I sign the contract.

This whole process is super new to me and I am blessed with people who supported me and gave me the right contacts within the training industry. Things are slowly falling into place and I look forward to be able to start training, hopefully within the next 1-2 months!

Wish me luck!

Status of my coaching certification

To recap, I need to complete the following requirements before I can be certified as a coach:    

(1)   Complete 75 hours of training
(2)   Complete 100 hours of coaching (of which 75% needs to be paid, and at least 8 unique clients)

(3)   Complete 10 hours of mentoring by my coach trainer, of these 10 hours, 

• 7 can be done during (1)
• 3 must be done 1-on-1 after (1) is completed, and over a 3-month period 
• For the 3 mentoring sessions, I need to record my coaching session, transcribe the whole conversation before the mentoring is done. To pass this, I need to achieve full marks for at least 1 out of the 3 transcripts. 
• Once I achieve this, I can then...

(4)   Apply and sit for a 4-hour examinations

Thus far, I have completed (1) and (2) by first week August. I wanted to make sure I pass during the first mentoring session. I am happy to share that I managed to achieve this yesterday. It was a step in the right direction. I now have less stress for the remaining 2 recordings and transcript that I need to complete by end-Sep! I can look forward to (4) by early-Oct 24!

:-)

Coaching Progress

I have finally achieved my required training and coaching hours over the last 2 weeks. 2 more hurdles to cross before I can get myself fully certified as a professional coach - passing the coaching recording by my coach trainer and the ICF-administered exams.  If all goes well, I should be able to get my certification within the next 2-3 months.

Looking forward.

Managing emotions

Over the past 4 months, I had coachees who broke down and cried during my coaching session. And all of them (4 in total) were ladies. But last week alone, 2 male coachees broke down on consecutive days. It came as a surprise and admittedly, I wasn’t too mentally prepared for it.

What I realized is that during such moments, it is important to acknowledge the emotions, regardless of gender, and to provide them the space to come to terms with the underlying reasons behind the emotions. It is also equally important, if need be, to call out the safe space they are in at the moment and have tissue paper readily so that they can reach out for it if they need.

About People (2)

Continuing from where I left off in my last post about people from Grindr. This time round, I will talk about people who responded after I posted in Grindr that I wanted to rent out a room. I had many responses that asked about the rental rate, visuals of the apartment and room, tenure, etc. Quite a few left after enquiring these details and I left it as it was. But here're some of the more interesting ones that I experienced:

• For a start, in term of tenant profile, I didn't want Indians, Middle Eastern, Muslims, as well as PRCs. People with such profiles tend to have very different social habits and possibly dietary needs that might not be too comfortable if they were to stay with me and me them. Objectively, I prefer cabin crew tenants as they tend to fly often and would not be home most of the time. But alas, cabin crew doesn't earn much and thus fall out of the range of people that can afford the rental cost. So...

• And talking about people who cannot afford the rental, I had a chap who claimed to be a student. He asked about the rate and said he could only afford to pay me half of what I was asking for. And he then attached a picture of his cock and said - I pay you what I can pay and let you play with me. I was taken aback with such a request and simply replied - please do not do this to yourself. This chap obviously didn't get what I was saying and insisted - I am only a student and don't have money. I will let you play with me and I can serve you. And if I don't tell, you don't tell, no one will know about it. Well, I simply block him from Grindr.

• A Malaysian Chinese enquired about the room and came over the view the place. He fitted the profile I was looking for - 30s, working adult, Malaysian Chinese, and came across as decent enough from the way he communicated. And when he arrived, he started asking about what he can wear, whether it is ok to wear loose boxer shorts etc. At one point, it seemed the conversation would head towards sex talk but thankfully it didn't. For potential tenants, I’d prefer not to have anything sexual involved. In the end, he didn't proceed with the rental as he felt the cost was beyond what he could afford. But after that, he started texting me frequently in Grindr - where are you now, what are you doing now, where did you go to... and on top of that, he started to send me cock pics... (roll eyes)... it felt like he was stalking me!

• Another chap (similar profile to the above) came to view the place. I was pleasantly surprised when I met this guy - super cute, a little bashful and works in the finance industry. And so he came to view the place, walked around... and then we sat down and chatted a bit about the cost, the facilities etc. And he said he wanted to visit the toilet and excused himself. A couple of minutes later, he called out to me. I went to the toilet, he opened the door and he stood there - in a skimpiest see-through underwear and asked - can I wear this if I rent your place. LOL! I simply said - you sure can but you have to be conscious of and be respectful of any neighbours who might possibly be able to look into the room... anyway, he ended up not renting the room as its beyond his budget. 

• One particular chap (an Indian) texted me and asked about the details as per most people. Then he went on to ask suggestive questions like - can I wear this or that when I am in the house, what would you do if you see me edging myself and I forgot to close the door, can I fantasise about you when I jerk off, etc... It was rather weird for such questions to surface and I quickly realised that he was treating the conversation as some sort of a sex talk and has not intentions to rent the room. I decided to leave him be and ignored him. 

• Another Indian guy texted me and asked for a chance to view the room. From the line of questioning, it seemed like he was genuinely interested to rent the room. To be honest, I was a little hesitant to rent it out to Indians as explained above. Nonetheless, after he asked a few times, I agreed to the viewing request. He arrived, walk around the house and he entered the room, took a look and then he walked into my room and started to grab my balls. I was taken aback and told him, no, the visit is to view the room and not an invitation for sex. Anyway, cut the long story short, he left shortly after and texted an apology after that. 

The above were just some of the more interesting characters I had to entertain when it came to renting my room. I had also concurrently asked my sis (who works in the property line) to assist in sourcing for tenants. So, she managed to get a decent overseas student who came to view the place with his family. Well, let's see how things go. Nothing is firmed as yet, but if all go well, he will move in within the next 2-3 months.  

About People (1)

I wanted to write about what happened over the last 2 months but realized it was just not possible to do so. Too many things had happened. As such, I shall focus on my experiences as I tried to expand my circle of friends, more specifically, via Grindr:

• There was a particular guy who kept messaging me and asking me to meet up. He is 44 years old (according to his Grindr profile). He said he is in the healthcare sector. After chatting with him for some time, I decided to meet him as I thought to myself - how bad can a person be if he is in the trade of helping people. Right? We agreed to meet at 8pm at a MacDonalds near my place. On the day of the meet up, I ended up waiting for him for over 1.5 hours. Throughout this time, he constantly texted me and said he was at work and had to rush through some stuff before meeting me. And then I got a call from him. I picked up the call and next thing I knew, he hung up, his went offline in WhatsApp, and his Grindr profile disappeared from app too. I concluded he called me from somewhere nearby and then after positively identifying me, he decided to block me. I did some checks and learned that he is a pastor in a nearby community hospital. I was very pissed off by how things panned out. His loss, not mine... I said to myself. He obviously has issues with himself, and maybe his faith too. But it's for him to manage. 

• I reconnected with someone whom I had previously met up from Grindr but didn't really interacted much. He had just quitted his job and felt rather lost. So the I naturally ended up giving him some advice and suggestions with regards how he could fill up his time. We continued chatting and with time, he got comfortable with me and asked if I could accompany him to check out some bedding that he had been looking at. He was an extreme extrovert texted me almost non-stop through the day, everyday. I learned that he has deep mistrust in people and would question people's intentions and question every word/ phrase during conversations. I felt superbly stressed whenever I chatted with him and have to constantly explain why I used this or that word/s. Things reached a point where he accused me of some menial stuff. I decided to simply cool things off and not respond to him as often. Life is stressful enough, I thought. Better not create more stress for myself. He sensed my detachment and eventually stopped texting me.

• I went to KL and got to know someone there. After chatting for a while, I agreed to meet him. He seemed a nice person. It was supposed to be a short and quick meet up as I had a dinner that evening and I have 2 hours to kill. During the meet up, he introduced me to his "godson", a young 25 year old chap. I left shortly and we maintain contact after I came home. Over time, I learned that he is a counsellor and works for an NGO and the "godson" is one of his charges. He invited me to stay over at his place should I visit KL again and to join him for his counseling trips if I am keen. I eventually took up his offer and visited him again 2 weeks ago.  But alas, things did not turn out the way I had planned as I ended up with a bad bout of diarrhea and vomiting. In the end, I stayed at his place and his "godson" had to look after me. But yeah, I am glad I made a good friend during the trip.

Recent KL/ PJ Trip

I was in Malaysia Petaling Jaya/ KL recently.

The main reason why I went away was becos I didn't want to be at home on his birthday. Anyway, during the trip, I managed to have a good catch up with 2 long time friends. I was really glad one of them opened up more to me and that I could be part of his journey as a gay person. It was a regret not to be able to catch up with more people as it was a really short trip and that the trip was on weekdays where all were working.

Looking forward to more such short trips.

Decluttering

He moved into the guest room a day after he said he wanted to break off. And over the last month, he managed to find a place to move in to. He moved out of the house last morning. There are some big items that he left behind - his work desk, his chair, etc. He couldn't move them out as the new room he rented could not accommodate these items. Since then, I had spent a good part of the last 2 days clearing the room. I also took the opportunity to declutter some of my own stuff. Here're some things I noted:

• Decluttering a space is not as simple as it seemed.
• You do not just discard things and declutter just a space. 
• You also end up rearranging a lot of things, and it includes things from other rooms.
• And very soon, you start to declutter the whole house.
• You think, reflect, reminisce as you pick through the items.
• Do I throw? Do I keep? 
• It was a draining process, physically, and emotionally.
• You can remove, rearrange, discard many physical items but you cannot remove the memories associated with the items.
• I ended up revisiting memories of my past - him, my mum, my maid, etc 
• Memories from the distant past are warm and sweet.
• Memories from recent past are more complex and raw...

Recent and distant memories of many things and different people from the past came to mind, all at the same time. The emotions was very complex. I was neither happy, sad, nor disappointed. But I reminded myself to just keep focus and clean. I supposed discarding things help me move on as it reminded me of the finality and impermanence of things.

I think so much...

Spiralling

I am spiralling. My life, that is. I know it is not good and not the right thing to do, but I allow myself to be consumed by circumstances currently. Let it spiral. Let it loose... I only live once.

Control the mind

Invariably, I find my mind running loose at times. And I don't like this feeling - one of loneliness, of pain, of desires, of loss, etc. I kept reminding myself that I need to take control. This is perhaps against what most people talk about - the 5 stages of grief. Let it loose, let the emotions take over, etc... But I refuse to. I reframed things. I want to move along quick. I need to control my mind. I need to take charge. I need to move forward. For my own sanity.

Reminder for myself

Corporate Midas

Proud of myself.

New WiFi name

Found myself hurting again this morning when he reset the wifi name and password. But no, I will not. I need to move ahead.

In the dark

In the coach, when the lights go off, and when the soothing music flows, the mind takes over. Invariably, it brings me to places I don’t want to be. Need to take control and focus on the positives.

Look forward.

Lotus petals

The lotus grows out of muddy waters. When the petal drops, it floats aimlessly, the destination guided by where the water flows… it feels like me currently. Jaded. Tired. And letting life dictate where I should head, emotionally. Perhaps it’s good to just take a break and see where things go from here.

Leaving it to fate

Decided to head up to KL this week. A quick escape and to avoid being around him on his birthday. This is a quick few liner while traveling in the coach.

Loss

And here’s the thing - one can never get over the trauma of experiencing loss.

Coaching hours

To get myself certified as a coach, I need to attend 3 training modules, undergo 3 mentoring sessions, take an ICF-administered exam, and accumulate minimally 100 coaching hours. I have thus far done 2 modules and have registered myself for the third in June. As for the 100 coaching hours, I have managed to clock close to 60 hours. It has been a tough journey but one that is hugely rewarding.

My client base now includes referrals such as friends of friends as well as their spouses. And to get updates from my friends that their referrals found me good and that they had benefited from my coaching was a huge motivation for me. It tells me I am moving on the right track! I need to keep up my momentum and hopefully, I can reach my 100 hours within the next 2 - 3 months.

Keep going Jeffrey!

New arrangements

With the end of this relationship, I am no longer held back in many of my decision making with regards how I'm going to live my life. 

These include how I am going to manage my assets. For the longest time, he was a big factor and with him gone, I have sold my car. I do not need this luxury, and the monies saved will go a long way to help me during this period of career transition. As for my apartment, he refused to let me rent out the guest room as he abhors the thought of having a stranger in the house. With him moving out soon, I have started asking for help to look for a tenant. This would immediately provide me an added source of passive income as I study options for my longer term housing needs, such as purchasing public housing. 

Secondly, I now have a whole lot of time and freedom to explore the social aspects of my life. These include making new friends, dating, etc etc and so, I have increased my presence in Grindr, meet up with friends, ex-colleagues, etc, many whom I’ve not caught up for a while. I had failed these connections in the past as I had prioritised all my time towards him. I realised belatedly how much I have shortchanged myself as a result. I never learned, have I?! I am also planning my own overseas trips now. Previously, I need to take into considerations his work schedules, leave entitlement etc. Admittedly, loneliness and a sense of loss are the main factors that drive all these decisions. But I have to start somewhere.

In the meantime, and perhaps as an escape and distraction, I have invested all my energies into my coaching. Positively, it helped me clock my hours faster. I have also spent much of my time out of the house. Avoiding him and not interacting with him helps me move along faster. Since the break up, I have not met up with our immediate close group of LGBT friends whom we hang out with weekly. I have asked them to render maximum support to him during this period and to celebrate his birthday next week. Will reach out to them once things are more settled. 

So yeah, so many things happening all at once. It is still somewhat unsettling for me. But I am in a much better place today than I was 2 weeks ago. He is currently overseas and I can spend some good time at home. The realisation of all these possibilities, especially the dating, meet ups, etc is quite liberating and exciting! I believe it will take me sometime to re-establish a new balance in how I conduct my life. But I must embrace this transition period well for my own sanity, and well-being. I need to reclaim my own sense of self. And for now... 

Go forth and celebrate your new found freedom Jeffrey!

:-)

Goodbye car

Have sold off my car.

Been holding on to it for a while despite my shift to public transport since I stopped work. The car was used mainly on weekends for my grocery shopping and for us to head off for our Friday evening/ weekend programmes. I had refused to sell it despite knowing that it was draining my financial resources - loan, insurance, tax, petrol, etc amounting to an estimate of $1000-plus every month. I had held on to it for the convenience and, most importantly, to allow me to pick/ send him when the need arises. So…

Selling the car is as much a way to manage my finances as much as a way to help me move along. After all, the car was bought after we came together and the red colour was chosen by him. If given a choice, I’d go for dark blue. Heh… The new owner took formal ownership of it and drove off with it yesterday. And so here I am - carless after 33/34 years. But positively, I did not lose too much in terms of the monetary value given the much higher Certificate of Entitlement (COE) today than it was when I first bought it.

Gonna get use to the new state of mind.

:-)

Reframing - Grateful

There’s a lot of bitterness over the break up and I’ve been struggling to get over things. 

The bitterness arose when I thought through all those things I had done for him and supported him over the years - through his settling down in Singapore, his several career changes over the years and contributed to his growth to what he is today. I have my quirks and I am not the best person at times, especially over the last 2 years as I navigated my choices post-COVID. Nonetheless, I’m not going to beat myself over being so as I am only human and I have my own challenges to manage. I myself needed support when things get tough. I guess it’s not something he is willing to commit to and that compounded my sense of bitterness.

I’ve been having insomnia and drowning myself with TikTok and Instagram posts that speak about moving on and how to live better moving forward. And what resonates with me is the need to practice self-love and to look ahead. Also, the need to let go of the past and not focus on what could have been. So, I am reframing a lot of my bitterness to help me move on. Here’s a start. I am thankful to him for:

• Giving me a sense of purpose in life again after my mum’s passing
• Discovering the extent of what I can do when I love someone - eg driving to Penang to pick him when he’s down with COVID
• Helping out with the household expenses and chores when needed
• Introducing me to his friends and his family, something he has never done before
• Keeping by my side during the COVID lockdown and keeping me sane as we struggled through the dark period
• Helping with little gestures such as cleaning my ears when it’s itchy 
• Being the most ardent fan of my cooking (and I love cooking); and above all,
• Allowing me to be part of his life over the last 7 years, especially during the times when he struggled with his father's passing

Our journey together has kept me alive and well; and given me something to look forward to. Till today, I still get a lump in my throat and emotional when I see him after a few days of absence. But I need to let all these go. I will need to re-find myself and redefine what my life's purpose is as I chart along. I need to learn to focus on my self now, something that I had forsaken over the time we were together.

The End

This post captures the end of my third relationship. It happened quite abruptly last week and I had alluded to it in an earlier posting. I supposed all good things must come to an end. No use lamenting over what could have been.

So last week, after several days of seeing him so distracted, I asked him what’s troubling him and how I might help as we prepare to sleep. That’s when all his thoughts came out. And he said that the disconnect started last year and have build to a point where he finds it hard to even want to spend time with me, and that I stand in his way of spending time doing things he likes. 

I asked him simply, do you want to carry on and if you do, let’s agree on what we must both work on, state our needs and expectations; and if you don’t, let’s just break it off. He chose the latter. I replied ok, and if that’s the case, there’s nothing more to talk about. And that was it. I won’t beg nor will I even ask for him to reconsider. I don’t want to be the source of his unhappiness.

And so, over the last week, he moved into the study room. He asked for time to find a place. It has not been easy for me given the suddenness. I have since been avoiding any interactions with him, choosing to leave the house whenever he is around and coming home late. Avoiding him helps me get some sense of sanity, pick myself up and move forward.

Will need to find my self all over again. Not a comfortable position to be in but it’s the only way ahead.

I am not god

I have a real story to share.

• I have known this person for a long while
• He was a devout person (to his religion and god)
• He was diagnosed with cancer 2 years back and his health deteriorated over time
• The last time I met him 2 months back he was already bedridden
• He told me he resented and had given up on his god for cursing him with such a disease
• Nonetheless, through this difficult period, his wife continued to do the necessary rituals of praying and blessing him daily
• She held strongly that god’s love is unconditional and whatever is happening is fated and that he must walk this path as destined
• He passed away last week
• His family gave him a good religious funeral and continued having deep faith that his god will continue to guide and love him

I see strong parallels in this story to us human relationships. The only exception is that for us, both are humans and, unconditional and altruistic love is just not possible between two persons. 

For humans, both parties must put in the effort to give and to support as both parties will go through their own lives and navigate life’s ups and downs - that is what through thick and thin means. And if any one party stop doing that, things will not work out.

Do I make sense?

New start

The world look and feel different today…

Random Nothings

Well, have felt the urge to blog lately but on the other hand, have also realised I've somewhat lost the momentum to do so... and today, I am feeling somewhat off and thought it might be good to write something. So, here're some points top of my mind:

• I have invested much energies in coaching and have clocked about 40% of the 100 hours needed for my accreditation. Nonetheless, I still need to take a final module and submit 3 recordings as evidence for my coaching. Will need to continue getting clients for me to practice my coaching. It's been a good journey thus far and I have learned much along the way. And I must say that I am getting pretty good at learning how to detach myself from my client's issues.

• I have had, on at least 3 occasions, clients who broke down halfway through the coaching conversations. When it first occurred, I was somewhat unprepared for it, but over time, I am better prepared and am now a tat better at managing such emotions when it occurs. I am grateful for the trust my clients gave to me when they opened up their thoughts and I am also thankful for them for providing me with the opportunity to partner them in their life's journey. 

• Talking about coachees, I have been pleasantly surprised by some old colleagues (from my previous previous employments over a decade ago) who reached out to me - asking if I am keen to coach them/ their spouses. I am thankful for their support and I believed I must have done something right all these years for them to remember me and to now reach out to me so readily, and allowing me to help them (and for them to help me clock my hours too).

• Had just returned from Hangzhou and Shanghai earlier this week. It was a short but a good trip, especially the weather. It's been crazy warm in Singapore and walking out of the public transport feels like having the aircon vent suddenly bursting into your face! So, despite drizzling half the days I was there, the 12-16C weather in China worked perfectly for me. Apart from that, I also realised that I had forgotten almost everything about Hangzhou and Shanghai since my last visit about 2 decades ago. So, yeah, I kinda enjoyed the trip.

•  Have received updates on and off about the condition of an ex-colleague who suffered from cancer and this morning, received news that he had passed away. Didn't come as a surprise given the increased frequency of updates I got lately. Nonetheless, the news of his passing still made me feel sad. But certainly, it reminded me again that we all walk the same path and sooner or later, everyone of us have to go. So, in a way, I felt happy for him that he had arrived earlier than me.

• Recently, for some reasons, the blog post about my mum's passing was visited by several of my blog readers. I knew about this as it trended in my blog stats. So I took the opportunity to re-read the posts about the final moments before her passing and the immediate few days after that. As I read the details, I realised that despite the 8-9 years, the emotions can still be quite raw. 

• I have been out of work for about 4 months and during this period, I have focused much of my time on coaching. Admittedly, thoughts of whether this is the right path to take did crossed my mind numerous times. And when such thoughts crossed my mind, I do reminded myself of my life now. I supposed such self-doubts are common and I just need to NOT be too harsh on myself and give myself the space to just take things slow, for once in my life. 

• I have been watching clips from instagram and TikTok lately and for some reasons, I keep getting news that I am highly uncomfortable with, politics - local and overseas, wars and tensions, quarrels, etc... you kinda get the drift. I am especially uncomfortable some who complain about anything and everything under the sun and attribute them to the government. If these people have so much complains about their life here, they might as well just migrate and go to another country.

Ok, think I have written enough for now... just wanna write something and get some stuff off my chest. Too much negativities and am just feeling quite down currently. 

Let's hope tomorrow will be better.

Journey on!

It's been slightly more than 2.5 months since I left my corporate life but it felt like forever, given the immense amount of time I have on my hand. It was an interesting journey and at times, rather challenging - emotionally, and psychologically. Admittedly, the financials has not fully hit as I had continued to leverage the remainings of my last drawn salary and my heightened consciousness to be careful with my spendings. Regardless, I expect this to hit me soon (sweat!). All these changes impact not just me but also the people around me. I am sure these transitional pains will go off once things stabilise with time. 

For now, here're what I have done during this period:

• I had gone for 2 vacations - China and Taipei. For the former, I visited Guangzhou, Chengdu, Jiuzaigou, Xi'an and Beijing over a 14-day period. As per my previous trips to China, there were just so many things to see and do. One thing about China is that they advance really fast! It was less than 2-decades since my last visit and the improvements to the infrastructure, quality of life, etc is mind-boggling! The second visit was to Taipei. It was a short 3-day visit during the Chinese New Year. Despite the short duration, it was certainly a good break - temperature, vibes, experiences and all.

• I had started my journey to be a qualified coach. Had subscribed to a coaching course and have thus far completed 2 of the 3 modules. The last module will be the longest and most challenging of the 3 given the extra requirements to submit coaching recordings, attend mentoring sessions, amongst others. But I will wait till May this year before I register for this last module as the government fundings for self-development will only be available from May onwards. Otherwise I will have to pay a substantial amount of money for it. 

• I did a lot of coaching. I need to clock minimally 100 hours as part of my accreditation requirement. Hope to be able to complete this process by the end of the year, or, earlier if possible. Since starting the process last last month, I have achieved 15hrs out of the 100hrs needed. I think it is quite decent. But my clients were largely friends and ex-colleagues. It is not sustainable and I need to expand my client base. I was told that the starting is the most challenging but the numbers of clients will come in from referrals if my coachees find me effective.

• I did a lot of networking. The initial intent was to maintain contact and keep the relationship warm with my ex-colleagues. But over time, the intent also shifted to include expanding my coaching clientele base. The process was most humbling. I experimented with the different approaches - by asking them to let me coach them, to asking people to help me, to... I was not successful many a time. On the whole, this process to seek help forced me to leave my comfort zone and learn how to better market myself. It also allowed me to renew connections. And that is a good thing. 

• I had initiated the process of starting a company. I did this after doing some research online - that individuals need to register a company in order to do business/ provide services to companies on a regular basis.  The process will take perhaps a month, depending on the document verification process. Let's hope it goes through smoothly.

Those were some of the key developments over the last 2.5 months. Admittedly, there were periods where I felt life was going too slow and doubted if I had made the right decision in leaving corporate life. The lack of pay didn't help, to be very honest. Nonetheless, I have tried to maintain as much normalcy in my life as possible (e.g go on trips). And during moments of doubts, I had to frequently remind myself of my longer term aims. It motivated me and helped me move along. So...

Journey on Jeffrey... Jiayou!

2023 - Balancing Acts

This is my annual reflections ahead of the year end. I will leave for China tonight and I probably will not be able to pen my entry on New Year's Eve. 2023 has been an interesting - one that culminated in my decision to make a major change in my career direction. Let's have a run through on 2023.

Professional Life: Keeping the Future in Sight

I started 2023 wanting to improve my workplace conditions but in the end, made the decision to quit my job. I will leave my company end-Dec 23 after 7 full years and 4 different positions. It was a bitter sweet decision for me as objectively speaking, despite the highs and lows, I had had a relatively good 7 years. I had known that at some point in time, I will need to start preparing for my retirement. The lack of motivation in recent months due to the leaders, restructuring and frequent policy flip-flops hastened my decision to quit. I also realized that with my declining energy levels as I age, it would probably be a good time to initiate this process now. Lastly, I was getting too comfortable and needed to put myself into a state of discomfort so that I can push myself to re-establish myself in a new state of balance - one that I can sustain beyond my retirement age.

General Health: Same Old… Almost

There were a couple of health-related worries - a chest pain (cardiac-related) and another where I experienced flashing lights in my left eye. Both turned out to be a one-time off thing and the doctors attributed them to aging. Otherwise, it was the usual URTI issues that I get every couple of months. But I do note that since my COVID infection last year, simple a sore throat tend to drag on for days and develop into extended periods of flu these days. Not very comfortable. And I do see the same happening to people around me. I supposed this will be the new order of things and norm for all of us.

Physical Well-Being: Balancing Act (I)

Apart from the usual age-related pains, I managed to keep my health relatively stable. I had gone for my regular health, heart, kidney etc check-ups and were assured by the doctors/ specialists that I was well and stable. And I attribute this to the daily walks and fresh air that I insisted on even when I work late. Apart from that, I continued to keep my lifestyle balanced - no over-indulgences in anything - food, alcohol, etc. and to ensure I maintained my weight within a specific range. I could not afford to risk long term issues with short term over-indulgences. 

Mental Well-Being: Balancing Act (II)

I did relatively ok in managing my mental well-being this year. Objectively, I had my fair share of highs and lows this year in many aspects of my life - personal, relationship, friends, family, work, etc. Many a times, these threatened to derail my overall mental well-being. And similar to the physical health, there were numerous trade offs. A simple example would be - despite knowing my plans to leave the company (and where I will have no income), I decided to continue with my travel plans. But knowing the potential financial impact, I focused on regional locations that were relatively cheaper. Otherwise, being blessed with supportive family, friends and colleagues gave me the support I needed during moments when I needed it. 

Professional Life: A New Beginning

I started this reflection talking about my professional life and I would like to end it with the same. Since I made my decision to leave my job in the early part of the year, I have managed to get myself two professional certificates - one as a certified senior practitioner in the space I've been in since I left the military, and the other as a certified adult educator. Truth be told, my decision to leave my job also meant I have effectively decided to leave the industry that I had chosen to join since leaving the military. The certified senior professional status I attained was a personal target I set for myself - to know I am credible and can stand alongside many of my colleagues. For the latter, I do hope it help me open more doors in the times ahead. 

My thoughts might have come across as a little disorganised in this post. But that perhaps captured how my year went in both my professional and personal lives - ups and downs, positives and negatives. On hindsight, I can truly say that 2023 was a year where I did relatively ok, balancing between long and short term needs. I head into 2024 with the aim to reinvent myself. Not too sure what this journey will be like but I need to remind myself to keep healthy and well as I do so. Wish me luck!

I wish one and all a Merriest Christmas and a most Happy and Healthy 2024!

7 years

My last day of employment is Christmas Day. And being a public holiday, I returned all my stuff last Friday. So, I have technically left my company. Must admit I felt somewhat lost... after all, it's been a good 7 full years with the company. 

Gonna take break in China over the next 2 weeks before deciding my next steps.

:-)

I Passed

I passed the paper that I did not make it in my first attempt and in doing so, achieved the requirements needed to qualify for the professional certification. 

So yeah, I’ve done it!

Resignation approved

My resignation has finally been approved. 

A new beginning awaits!

Sick

I’m not sure if it’s anything to do with the fact that I resigned, or that the planning team of the regional summit finally departed for Bangkok, but I came down with a superbly nasty flu almost immediately after that. Took an MC yesterday and slept for almost a solid 24hours after that…

Heavy head, fever, sore throat, lost my voice, terrible cough and the whole works. Otherwise, my ART was negative. I think I’ll have to do my COVID-19 booster soon, it’s been almost a year.

PS: I was, with less than 2 months, tasked to organise a regional summit. And this was a third time this year, being tasked to organise something major at the last minute - just because they trust I can deliver. Despite my protest given my preoccupations with many other pressing tasks, my (now) immediate boss, gave me no choice and literally forced it onto me. I did it very unwillingly cos the team that was supposed to organise it, didn’t act on it until it was too late and I was roped in as “I had done a good job before”. It’s probably my record to organise a regional summit within 2 months. So, enough is enough.

8th Anniversary

 It’s my mum’s 8th death anniversary today.

Tendered

I tendered my resignation today.

I Failed

I did not make it for the certification. In another word, I failed. 

I must admit I felt disappointed. Failing is not something I experience very often. The next thing that went through my mind was - how do I even break this news to the rest of my colleagues? Then again, screw it, it is not something that defines me and I should not be embarrassed about it. It is just a small blip and probably not something I should be surprise, considering employment act and legislation is not something I have to manage on a daily basis as I am a specialist and not a generalist. But whatever it is, it simply reflect the level of unpreparedness and that I have to accept it. It is just a little sour aftertaste for me as I had wanted this to be my swan song before I leave the industry. But I supposed it is not to be. I have written in to ask how I can take a reassessment. 

Until then, let's just move along. 

Certification

I attended my professional certification exams last Thursday.

It was really intense - one that had me walking out feeling dazed and wondering wtf I had just gone through. The exams consisted of 2 papers. The first comprised 30 MCQs that assesses ones’ understanding and applications of local employment laws and legislations. One need to score 50% to pass this paper. The second paper was scenario-based. Four scenarios were provided based on the context of a start up, an SME, an MNC and a government statutory board. Against these background, 8 MCQ questions were asked per scenario that requires the individual, in the capacity of the CHRO, to address specific HR-related issues. Thing is, all answers are logical and right but depending on the context, some answers are more appropriate than the others. So it is almost impossible to know whether one had selected the right answer. And the passing mark for the second paper is 70%! 

Anyway, let's just wait for the results to be announced. It will be a 3-week wait. So, let's see if I passed.

:-)

Slight regrets

Decline…

White Canvas

I had a dream this morning.

In my dream, there were unfamiliar people - and there was someone with a fully tattooed leg. The space I existed in in my dream was white. So white I was almost blinded by it. I was holding on to a canvas board. The kinda board where one would expect lots of scribbles and doodles. But the one I was holding on to was blank. Pure white. Other than this, I cannot recall much about the dream.

It’s the kinda dream that leaves you wondering wtf did I just dream of when you wake up. But yeah, reflecting, I supposed it reflected the anxieties behind my intention to resign. I have a date in my head as to when I should do it and it’s within weeks. Apart from that, I have no plans whatsoever with regards what I should do, where I should go or, for that matter, how I should unfold this next chapter of mine.

Maybe that’s the white board I was holding.

Let’s see…

Being Selfless

I took a pause when I typed the title. I wondered if it would be more apt to title this post “Being Selfish”. Anyway…

I must say I have often asked if I should be more selfish in how I conduct my life. Have often been taken for granted in life - both professionally and personally - and it felt shitty. And during such moments, thoughts like - I care for this or that, but who’s there to care for me? Where’s the reciprocal engagement when I need it? Or, you can add more and more things onto my plate because I can deliver, but where is the tangible recognition when it is due? Perhaps such moments hit hard when you feel down. And it also comes with the realization that there are unstated expectations of some form of gratifications, or even a simple acknowledgment/ thank you. That is not too much to ask, right? 

I am human; and there is a limit to how much I can give, before I breakdown.

Words & Questions

When uttering words, be very careful. Words can heal and words can kill. Sometimes, asking questions can be a better start to a conversation.

When asking questions, be extra careful. Questions with implied answers can damage relationships. Examples of such questions include - do you expect me to…

Interesting Turn of Events

I almost terminate my employment two weeks back. But I held back as I didn't want to take that action when I was so emotional. I will probably not go into the details of why I was emotional but suffice to say I felt taken for granted when I was asked to undertake the planning of a major regional event as the person who was tasked to do it sat on it till it was too late and my chief conveniently tasked it to me as "I had the experience of planning it and I can do so again". To top it off, my reporting manager didn't support me despite me calling out that it would be too stretch for me as I was heavily involved in another major project. 

And last week, my reporting manager informed me that come 1 Oct, there will be a department reorg and I will be reporting to the guy who sat on the project. With this announcement, it is even more difficult for me to terminate my service. Doing so would to send a wrong message that my termination of service is because of him. It would make the whole thing too personal. Regardless, I will definitely want to leave the company very soon. If I do not do so soon, I will never ever move away from my comfort zone and this will slow down my transition process. I just need to bite the bullet, suffer the financial setback for the immediate short term and rebuild my career again. At age 57, it is definitely risky but I supposed water will always find its own level eventually. 

I just need to start the process.

Sick

I’ve never experience a flu so bad I was given a total of 3 days MC and 2 weeks of antibiotics, cold tablets, cough mixture, etc. Had initially thought it was Covid but it wasn’t. 

It all started 2 Thursdays ago when I felt a little oozy. And on Friday, the flu got bad. I had assumed I would be able to recover over the weekend, but no, it gotten even worst on Sunday and I went to see my family physician. I was given an MC on Monday, but I was still totally bad when I returned to work on Tuesday. The company doctor gave me an additional 2 days MC and a whole lot of medications - cold tabs, cough syrup, antibiotics, something to dissolve my phlegm, etc… the condition didn’t improve… 

I lost my voice, had superbly bad congestion, and couldn’t speak without breaking into violent cough. This was one week out since the flu started. Went back to the doctor and was given another bag of medications, this time round she increased the dosage and added a few other stronger medication including nasal spray, steroids, etc. She jokingly said what I have is akin to bronchitis and if the condition doesn’t improve, she will have to send me for further checks and x-ray…

Sighs. 

Postponed to Sep

Had previously signed up for my professional certification end-Aug but felt it was too rush and have since postponed it to end-Sep. Gonna get back to mugging! 

:-)

Completed ACLP2.0

I have finally completed my module 3 and with this, I have fulfilled the full requirements of ACLP2.0! Here’re some key reflections of my 4-month journey:

• The course content itself was not difficult tbh. But I felt the course design was a tat too skewed towards formal instructions. Given current industry shift towards workplace learning, I thought it would be more effective if more hours could be allocated to workplace learning.

• My biggest takeaway from the course was the people. The instructors were warm and made good efforts to help us through the course. And my coursemates were a bunch of really nice people. They were really supportive and fun to be with. I must confessed that I was more energised when I was attending class compared to when I go to work. 

• Also, several of the instructors in the institute were ex-military persons whom I know. They had left the forces some time back and have established themselves well in the adult training field. Blessed to reconnect with them and they gave me good suggestions with regards how to transition out of corporate life.

Looking forward to planning for my transition.

Completed Module 2

I’ve completed my Module 2. One more to go before I head off for my break and then to prepare for my certification that will take place end of Aug! 

Pant pant!

:-)

Forgetfulness

For the first time, I forgot to turn off the flame when I made hard boiled egg today… 

Certification

Had signed up for a professional certification in HR. Exams projected end-Aug 23. Hope I can make it. Otherwise, will have to postpone to a later date.

Completed Module 1

I had completed my first module and am well into my second module. Looking forward to complete the whole course by mid-Aug 23.

Why have I not resigned...

I am totally not motivated at work. The reasons range from me having absolutely no chemistry with my immediate boss, being disillusioned with the leadership team, and feeling overwhelmed with work. These led to me feeling unappreciated, and disengaged. There were days where I totally didn't want to go to work. And this is probably why I have been feeling exhausted and prone to falling sick these days. But despite the strong desire to move on, I am still working becos I want to:

• Complete the course I am currently attending first (by Aug 23)
• Settle my new hire in properly (possibly by Oct 23? Nov 23?)
• Stretch my current salary for as long as I can...

So for as long as I am still in my current company, I will continue to be professional and do what I need to do. And while at it, I hope to be able to do:

• Establish a new stream of steady income
• Establish a network of professional contacts

To be really honest, stretching my current salary for as long as I can is not realistic as I need to devote energies to the latter 2. It would be wearing me too thin if I were to do them while working. And even as I am writing this, it is clear to me that I have been circling around and around the whole idea of financial stability. And this, I reckoned, is based on the assumption that I will be a lot worst off once I lost my current source of income. Perhaps I am just too risk averse and have made unjustified assumptions that I will not be able to earn a reasonable income to sustain after I resign. Maybe...

I think should take a leap of faith and just resign when the time comes. 

And that time is Oct 23? Nov 23?