i ended 2014 with the desire to want "to lead a more balanced life in 2015, to state and to claim (reclaim) my space in my relationships (with friends, family members and bee) and most importantly to love myself more." did i do it? was i successful in doing what i wanted to do? i really don't know. i didn't have much energy to really reflect upon it. and i say so in part because so many things happened recently. and might as well cos i do think the recency effect of the many deaths that happened would probably make my view of the year very negative. i am thus writing this entry in a rather impromptu manner and as i do, i will try to frame 2015 in as balanced a way as i possibly could. unlike previous years where i would write my last blog entry of the year with a clarity of the theme, this year, i will give this blog post a title/ theme when i complete my reflections. and in honour of my mum who passed away in november at the age of 82 years & 11 months, i will start this years' reflections with "mum"...
mum
the first half of 2015 was relatively good for mum. i had channelled much energies to improve her quality of life and living conditions. i installed a ceiling fan in her room, got another car (that suited her needs and were agreed by her) and provided her with better food constantly. her health was stable and she was able to do all the routine things without too much issues. i constantly titrated her medications to manage her health during the many occasions when her health threatened to turn bad. with that squared off, she was able to continue enjoying her routines without much worries. she went for her daily rehab treatments, watched movies, visited places of interests, indulged in all sorts of food, did her daily shoppings, visited my brother's place, etc etc etc. towards the second half of 2015, and with the onset of the haze, her health deteriorated considerably quickly. it started with a bout of breathlessness that saw her whizzing quite badly and ended up with a stay in the hospital sometime in july. her stays in the hospital became more frequent from then and the seriousness of her condition got worst with every visit. the increased visits to the hospital and clinics took a toll on me particularly in my annual leave. i would need to apply for no pay leave to bring her for her check-ups if she had not passed away. her passing in november, in a way, did not come as a shock to me given all the signs since mid-year. still, it was hard to accept when it happened. i thought i managed things as best as i could and was able to keep the family intact as i fulfilled my obligations as a son to complete all the necessary rites for her. my mum's passing was, to me, the single largest loss in my life. i still miss her. very much. sadly, i end this paragraph with no future resolutions...
personal life
objectively speaking, my personal life was relatively good this year. i was able to move my focus towards myself a little more compared to previous years. for a start, i managed to head off for a short holiday in january to taiwan. and to prevent mum from going bonkers, i told her i was going for a work-trip. she took the trip rather well and i did not face any major changes in any moods changes. and throughout the year, i was able to steal some few-hour me-time here and there by lying to her similarly. admittedly, i came to terms with myself about telling lies. i rationalised that if it helped to manage her mental state and, at the same time, give myself the space i needed, it was alright. and with this cleared in my mind, i was able to go for my weekly breaks, my exercises, my regular outings to have my personal time etc without feeling guilty about it. and gladly, i was able to do all these because i felt relatively assured as i had a maid to take care of mum during my absence. i ended the year without mum and with an heightened energy to start things anew in my attempts to move on without her. i have started painting the house for a start! moving into 2016, and with my mum no longer around, i will increase my focus to enrich my personal life and invest in more quality me-time, be it for self-improvement courses, leisure, volunteerism, buddhism, travel, etc.
bee
i entered the year without too much expectatrions of bee after he left for bangkok last year. i told myself i would simply play my part as a partner. and with this, the relationship through the year was rather stable. the meet ups, etc went by routinely and there were no spike in excitements per se throughout the year, except perhaps for the trip to taipei in january. having said that, the year didn't pass without any tensions. there were several. and one was big enough for me to go into passive aggressive behaviour for a long while. i didn't like the way he took me for granted, the way he made he feel i didn't matter, like how he stood me up several times on weekends when we were supposed to head to the cinema because he overslept from his naps, how he did not keep up to his promises to ask me first before going overseas, how he failed to call me or keep in contact when he was overseas and how we had to cancel a planned holiday because he had to head overseas for work last minute. and to top it off, he did not walk the last journey with me during mum's funeral - he was overseas with work. i was highly disappointed and admittedly, i felt rather rather pissed off, considering how i had stood by him during his dad's passing, all the way through to the funeral. but i kept quiet about it, i told and reminded myself that i had to manage my own expectations, although frequently, i didn't think i was being demanding in the relationship. admittedly, there were several occasions where i wanted to simply call the relationship off but i didn't in the end. i was too tired to do it. with mum's passing, our frequency of meeting up has increased and things seemed more positive now. for 2016, i will do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the pass years. how strong this relationship can be will depend on him.
sapphie
sapphie's health was ok this year, well, until december when she weakened terribly. objectively, i cannot expect her to be like what she was before. she's 15 after all, and for a dog, 15 is equivalent to 105 human years. old. terribly old. i don't think she'll be able to complete 2016 given her current state of health but i might be wrong. let's just hope for the best. for 2016, i will continue to take good care of her. she's the only family member i have that keeps me company at home now. if she leaves me, i have done my research and am now prepared to manage her cremation.
siblings
no expectations, no disappointments. this guideline served me well during 2015 with regards my siblings. there were of course many occasions where i did not feel good especially when they did not respond in a pro-mum manner. but i simply took it in stride and chose not to be irked/ angered by it once i reminded myself not to have any expectations. i also noted a few positive outcomes during mum's passing. firstly, my eldest sis started to talk to me. it kinda took me by surprise but i simply responded in kind and acknowledge her quietly. secondly, my brother did not lose his temper with my second sis. i had, for the longest time, expected him to lose his temper and perhaps enter into a fight with my second sis when my mum died due to his age old animosity towards her. thankfully, it didn't happen. the greatest displeasure and disappointment i had was with my second sis. but i supposed all these didn't matter any more. mum's passing meant the interactions with them will be highly diminished, especially with my sisters. so... as for my brother, the interactions will continue given his continued requests for me to take care of his children - and i do admit i really enjoy my time with them, and to a certain extent, i do take it upon myself to ensure they have a good upbringing. that will be what i'll do for 2016 - to continue investing my efforts to nurture my niece and nephew. and as for my siblings, i will continue to live by my guiding principle that no expectations, no disappointments.
relatives
i decide to add a new para on relatives this time round. despite not being in touch with many of them, 2015 was significant for me as a few of them passed on. firstly, it was a paternal side uncle - my dad's younger brother. his demise meant that for my dad's generation, all males have passed on (not considering the one that was given away at birth). his passing brought everyone in my extended family together once again. it was the same for the passing of my god-sis-in-law. the last time i met my god brothers was almost 2 decades ago when my god mum passed away. i had lost contact with almost all of them and when i met them again, not many could recognise me. the year ended with the passing of my maternal side uncle (my aunt's husband). i didn't know of his passing until the funeral was over. the family decided not to share his passing with us as my mum had just passed on. three relatives in a year. that is a little too many for me. but i supposed it is a inevitable part of life that we have to go through. interestingly, at my age, it was during such occasions that relatives get to meet each other. i did not tell any of my relatives of mum's passing due to my internal family dynamics. admittedly, i had prioritised my own family dynamics above that of my extended family. thankfully, i was able to contain any fall-outs by calling key aunts and cousins and apologising to them immediately after the funeral and explaining to them that it was mum's wishes to keep her passing to only immediate family members. in 2016, i will certainly want to put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family.
health
i don't think i had invested enough energies into my health in 2015. in the areas of exercising, i certainly managed to do my regular evening walks after mum went to bed. but the walks were mostly leisurely walks rather than brisk walks. i didn't have the motivation nor the push to do any medium/ high intensity exercises given my very drained state of mind at the end of each day. the continued pain in my feet and knees also limited my abilities to exercise. to compensate for the lack of exercise, i ended up managing my diet although i didn't think i managed it well too heh... food has always been my weakness. but the fact that i had to always finish mum's unfinished dinner and post-dinner snacks made this a little more challenging. you see, mum has this habit of wanting to eat different things for dinner and she'd push them to me after taking a bite or two, claiming that she's already full or that she wanted something else. and after dinner, she'd also ask for her favourite snacks that include fried fritters (you char kueh), fried dough (hum cheem paeng) or nonya kuehs. and similar to her dinner, she'd take a bite and pushed everything to me. i had to resort to hiding the things and throwing them away when she was not looking many a times. other than that, 2015 was also marked with prolonged back and shoulder aches that required extended intensive chiropractic treatments and toothaches that ended up with me crowing 2 of my molars... i am sure 2016 will not be easy for me health-wise given my age and the many chronic conditions i have (kidney stones, plantar fasciitis, knee pains, back, neck, shoulder aches, etc etc etc) but i will and want to continue living healthily.
work & professional development
work overtook mum to be my biggest stressor in 2015. much as i was an adaptable person who plays the team-player role well, i was placed under huge amounts of stress 2015 by an abusive boss. his abusive nature and his branding me a liar convinced me early in the year of the need to move on from my current company. i tolerated him much as i held my stand and maintained a cordial working relationship with him. mid-year, he tasked me to take over almost the whole port folio of another colleague, saying that i was underwork and overpaid. it was obvious he did not know what i had done and was not receptive to my briefing about the system i had build for the company in my 2-3 years there. added to that, he remarked that although i did not perform up to standards, he would still award me with a bonus as "i needed money to look after my mum". i felt rather insulted by this remark but didn't say anything further. it became clear later on that he said all those things because he wanted to justify his assigning of the new tasks to me and to manage my colleague out of the company. on the bright side, i obtained my professional certificate in talent management in february this year. this was perhaps the highlight for me at work. on top of that, with the new tasks imposed onto me, i told myself that it would do me a lot of good to reframe the situation and make it work for me. from a half-full perspective, the additional tasks provided me the extra push to learn things that were beyond what i was exposed to and it was because of this learning opportunity that i decided to stay a while longer at my current company. when i am sufficiently trained and have expanded my professional network, i would be more marketable and i will move on at the earliest opportunity. so for 2016, i foresee myself moving on to a new company. it will be painful for me considering all the relationships i had built with my colleagues, but it is a necessary step to take for my own career development.
friends & colleagues
for friends, 2015 was not much different from previous years. i was able to keep the relationships going and meet ups happened, although rather infrequently. but i made the efforts and i was glad i did as it allowed me to maintain a healthy level of bonds between me and some of my closer friends. significantly, death also visited my friends (and their family) this year too. in june, i received news that the daughter of a friend was killed while on a leadership trip to mount kinabalu. it hit me somewhat cos i had watched the child grow up since she was born. it was not natural to visit a child's funeral and see the child in the coffin. at work, i lost a colleague to cancer. it added to the list of death that happened in 2015 and everyone of us who knew her, mourned her loss quietly. and compared to previous years where i initiated much activities (both formal and informal) amongst my colleagues to bring people together, i maintained a very low profile this year. i did not see any value in doing it due to the very abusive nature of my boss who liked to question every single thing we do. but i was glad my colleagues rallied around me, each in their own little personal ways. i was rather surprised and touched by the frequent little notes and messages of encouragements from across the different positional levels in the company. it was very heart warming. friends and colleagues were also a major source of support for me when mum passed away. i was surprised by the huge amount of support that poured in after her passing. during this period, quite a few friends (and even online friends) surprised me by staying throughout the process with me, to support me emotionally and kept in contact constantly even after the funeral. frankly, the support and encouragement given was a huge source of strength for me. i foresee having more time in 2016 to strengthen my relationships with my friends. and that is what i will do - build and strengthen the relationships amongst my circle of friends, and if possible, expand my network of friends.
bloggers/ blogging
my blogging frequency dropped in 2015. for that matter, the total number of entries for the whole of 2015 was less than half of that seen in 2014. compared to previous years where i would simply pen my thoughts at the end of the day, my blogging pattern in 2015 was such that i would blog only once or, at most, twice at the end of the work week. i was too drained at the end of each day and i was not motivated to write. and added to that, i found myself trending towards writing about all the negativity at work. my lack of motivation to blog was perhaps best reflected in the fact that this entry was written over a 2-day period from 31 dec 2015 to 1 jan 2016 and i had to post-date it to 23:59hrs 31 dec 2015 so that it could be listed as the final entry for 2015. for 2016, i will certainly continue to write. and i am sure, with the new phase in life that i am entering, my entries will 2016 will be different from those in my previous years.
home/ personal effects
there were indeed many changes in the home front this year. and i guessed this was, to a large part, due to the fact that i had lived in my condo for almost 18 years. the wear and tear had started to appear since last year where i experienced water seepage in my kitchen. something similar also happened towards the end of the year where my neighbours downstairs lodged a complain about water seepage from my unit. apparently, the water pipes in my bedroom started leaking and water entered his unit resulting in the warping of his wall papers... darned water pipes. other than that, my washing machine also broke down. ended up shopping for a new replacement. my car reached it's 10-year life cycle and i had to get a replacement to ensure mum's mobility (to bring her out for dinners, shopping, medical reviews, etc). and i installed ceiling fans in my bedrooms to improve the circulation to address mum's complains that she felt warm at night. i ended the year repainting mum's room. there will likely be more such replacements in the year 2016 and objectively speaking, i will wait for sapphie to die first before i do any refurbishment/ renovation for the house. let's see how things go.
in conclusion, 2015 was a really trying and eventful year for me on all fronts. at the national-level, it was the country's 50's anniversary and amidst the year-long celebrations, the country mourned the lost of our founding father. it was a bitter sweet year for all. for me, it was not much different. it was a year filled with many endings (and new beginnings). there were huge challenges, ups and downs, happiness and sadness. and from my reflections, it was clear that the demise of many people around me (and my car), and the trying environment at work shaped the year to a huge extend. on the other hand, this year was also one that forced me out of my comfort zones. and through it all, i was forced to adapt, to learn and to grow. and from this perspective, the year was a challenging but a good one. 2016 will certainly be a year of new experiences and major adjustments in life. i look forward to it.
happy 2016 everyone.
my curtains was finally installed today. and one of the 2 guys that came to install the curtain was superbly cute! he was fair like tofu, has flawless skin and a very boyish face and smile. was sad to see him leave. but oh, it had been a long time since i scolded anyone and i scolded the lady who called me about the curtain installation today.
i lost my patience and i told her - just get your guys here, if they cannot do it, i will pay an additional $2000 dollars! (of cos i was not serious, i was getting pissed off already). and the lady went on, still unconvinced. i was totally flustered and i raise my voice at her - why are you doing this? i already told you i have spoken to the security guard and you don't believe me. do you want me to pass you my phone to the guard? how can you doubt my words? can you not just get your guys here? i think she got my message. she said something but before she could finish her sentence, i hung up the phone on her.
