step counting

over the past couple of days, i have gotten to count the steps i take per day, all thanks to the new app in iphone's latest upgrade. and with no surprise, the number of steps i take per day can vary from as little as 3000-plus to 12000-plus, with the lower numbers occurring on the days where i chose to drive to work, and not do any walking exercise in the evenings.

and since i started the count, my daily average is about 8,200 steps. and i also note the average numbers are fluctuating given that it is still in the initial days of my step-counting. let's see what the average is like over a longer period of time. i will be happy if i can keep it to about 8000 or more.

:-)

worshippers

bee has two facebook profiles. and on one of them, he regularly posts his selfies, and short status updates. now because he has the tendency to just accept friends, his profile has hundreds (or thousands) of friends. and whenever he post anything, he will have easily hundreds of people complimenting how good he looks, addressing him by endearing names like dear, lovely, etc. i think he enjoys the attention. seriously, much as he denies it.

anyway, i have always let him be although once a while initially, i did raise my discomfort about having people openly cruising him. anyway, he continued doing so and i have since let him be. and so today, as we were laughing about it, i challenged him to post a picture of a toilet bowlful of shit. i can almost imagined people liking it and making comments on it. my hypothesis is that people are so mesmerised about him, or fantasize about him that they will even worship the shit he post (literally).

initially he refused to. but after a while, he agreed and posted what i got from the internet for him - a big toilet bowlful of shit. he agreed to leave it till tomorrow morning. it would be a simple social experiment between us. and guess what!?! within a few minutes, people actually commented! haha! let's see what we can "harvest" from his hordes of admirers by tomorrow morning!

haha!

sticky niece & nephew

my niece and nephew are so fond of me they literally stick to me throughout the time i visit them, especially my nephew. i also learned from my brother that he would call out to me when he wakes up daily and ask for me...

so adorable right? 

haha...

"i wanna go to the movies"

i would head out to the movies almost every saturday after mum goes to bed. and always, when i told her about me heading off to the movies, she would get anxious. and despite telling me to go ahead, and frequently reminding me not to mix with bad company, she would also pull a long face. that was mum. and the behaviour she had been displaying were all signs of paranoia-induced anxiety. but she has gotten used to the routine. and so i thought.

today, as usual i told her i would be heading off to the movies. i had wanted to watch interstellar so much. and she said she wanted to come along. i told her the movie would be 3-hr long and that by the time it ended, it would be close to 2.30am. she said she was ok with it. but no, i was not ok with it. i was supposed to meet bee for the show, but then again, even if i was not meeting was not meeting up with him, i wouldn't let mum watch a midnight movie. doing so would break her medication routine and she would go all haywire. i explained to her but she insisted on wanting to come along. in the end, i decided to just not watch the movie.

when i told her that, her mood changed. she said that i changed my mind because she wanted to come along. and then she got into her moods. she refused to talk to me. hmmm, symptoms of depression. i could imagine all the thing that possibly went through her mind at that moment - he must be up to no good, he must be meeting bad people, he must have cancelled his appointment with bad people now that i am coming along, he must be up to no good... i was quite certain she had all these thoughts after all these years of looking after her. unspoken, but quite clear to me. her behaviour explained it all. and with her moods, she refused to talk to me. and when i tried to engage her, she responded very abrasively. i volunteered to bring her to the movies tomorrow morning instead, she refused and she simply said, in a very unhappy manner, no, no, you wanna go later, you go.

i was initially quite upset by this turn of event. upset for the fact that i will not be able to watch the movie i wanted to watch. upset that i had lost my me-time once again. upset that i couldn't meet up with bee. but after a moment of reflections, i kinda pity her. it was no big deal for me to lose my me-time or catching up with bee. i can always get it back easily. me-time to the movies, or at home, it doesn't matter. it's all in the head. but for her, she was caught in her own thoughts, so much so that it consumed her and controlled her. really, no one can release her from all these tensions other than herself. but that was not possible, given the fact that she behaved so because of her dementia.

quite sad indeed.

no bj...

brought mum to chinatown and ate some meat dumplings.

nice meal but in the process, i scalded the inner lining of my mouth. till this morning, i was still peeling off the dead skin... haiz. that means no blowjob for now. then again, hardly had any chance to do...

haha, tmi!

chinatown visit

brought mum out to chinatown last evening.

walked around the place and visited yue hwa and og. and as much as i don't like to say this, the clothes in yue hwa, a shopping centre that specialises in things from china, reminded me of dead people. really, the clothes, shoes, etc on display resembled those that my grand parents wore after the passed away. heh... and as for og, a store that specialises on ladies apparels, the stuff reminded me of our local ah lians. ah lian is a term used locally to refer to uneducated girls with a very heartlander dress sense. heh...

anyway, what's important was that the visit to chinatown was a break from the usual places that i bring her to. and she enjoyed herself thoroughly. 

:-)

mature & sexy

well, i have not really thought about it but hey, i am now (or rather, have been) in the category called "mature". lol... frankly, yes, i have been aware that i am considered middle-age but it was not something that i think about too much. ok, once a while, i do think about it... you know, down the hill, past the prime, sunset, etc... those common adjectives and phrases that one would use for people who are in the 40's... aka me. 

and then today, a couple of people send me messages in jack'd. these are people in their 20s/ early 30s. it was not common, in fact, very rare for me to get any message in jack'd in the first place. and the conversation with one of them went on to me asking "so what's your type?". and he replied mature and tone... and somewhere along the line, he added, you are really sexy. i almost fell of my chair (well, not literally of cos)! man, this was the first time someone ever used that term to describe me. i have never ever thought me sexy! haha... but well, it's very flattering i must say. 

anyway, back to the point about being mature. i do know of people who feel offended when they are referred to as mature. but for me, i am not bothered. maturity by age is a fact that i cannot change. but the last thing i would do is to place a negative judgment on that word. no point right? in fact, being at this age is very empowering. although i must say, i do have to constantly remind myself never to sound condescending when i interact with people younger than me.

:-)

thunderstorm

i was in my office at about 5pm when i heard a loud thunder clapping outside. i looked out of the window and it seemed a little darker than usual. i turned on my weather app on my iphone and saw huge purple patches covering the whole northern areas of singapore. that was no good. purple patches meant precipitation at its densest. i have never seen such patches before. 

from the time lapse picture, it seemed like the clouds were moving from the north downwards towards the east, where i work. i decided to stop work and head for home. certainly, i didn't want to get caught in the rain as i walked back. i was shocked to see the blackness of the sky once i walked out of my office building. i had never ever in my life seen anything so scary. 

now, despite the dark clouds, there was no wind! it felt really surreal. but at that moment, my only thought was to get home fast. and dry. my pace quickened as i did a mental projection of how the clouds from the north would arrive to my location soon and imagine myself getting all drenched before i could reach home.

the sky got darker with every seconds. i panicked and i started running. i ran like as though the sky was gonna fall onto me. i started thinking of all the horrible things i saw in the movies. about twisters, about extra terrestrial beings, about space ships etc. my imagination ran wild.

within minutes, i arrived at the canal. and from there i could see my estate. it looked terrible. it looked like the whole estate was covered with black smoke! it was scary. oh my goodness, i thought. please let me get home before it rain, i thought as i ran. i was at my estate gate when huge gusts of winds started blowing. and then it started to drizzle. 

i made it home dry.

thankfully.

and then it started pouring.

flu season

as of today, my mum and maid have come down with flu symptoms. body aches and sore throat. same for my office, two colleagues down. looks like the season has started. need to be extra careful and err of the side of safety. better bring them to see the doctor before it turns nasty, especially for mum. if it does, the risk of getting pneumonia will be very high.

woozy

i think i caught the flu bug from my nephew. kept sneezing, and had been feeling feverish and out of sorts these two days. 

went to the doctor yesterday and was given 2 days of mc. it was an interesting visit cos for the first time, the doctor insisted on giving me mc. it started with him asking if i need an mc to cover for the time i took to see him. i said ok and he went on - perhaps you should take 2 days, today and tomorrow. i didn't know how to answer and simply said, well, perhaps a day would be ok. the doctor then looked at me, and said, no, you should take two days to have a good rest.

haha... this has never happened to me before cos most of the time, i would be too shy to ask for time off. but well, since the doctor insisted, i simply thanked him for it and left. and yes, after taking the medication, i felt like i was floating and my eyes were really heavy. but yeah, it was a good two days of rest.

:-)

what is "love"

such a fuzzy concept.

and it is certainly a very heavy topic. i don't intent to expand on it except to say that it is how you define it and the context where this concept is applied - whether it is between lovers, between friends, between family members, etc. 

but all things being equal, and taking away all the elements of lust (which certainly does not apply to some context e.g. family members), love distils to the sense of responsibility to another, to care, to be concern about and to be respectful to the person concerned.

this is how i have come to equate the concept of "love" over time. there is nothing lustful about it. and regrettably, many equate love with sex, with desire, with passion... etc - most of which is more related to lust than love. 

:-)

white thongs

i wrote about the caucasian guy who wore a red thong recently. well, he did it again. i was there early this week and he arrived when i was about to leave. and this time round, he wore a white thong. it looked identical to the red one he wore, even the cock ring. and i really think he looked damned...  errr... well, i donno how to describe. 

haha...

busy day

it was a very busy day...

brought my sis-in-law and the kids and my mum to sentosa. and guess what? the bloody place was so unfriendly to wheelchairs! we ending up walking like crazy. in the end, i decided to just leave the place and drive to resorts world instead. and sighs, the place was so crowded we ended up parking the car a distance away. thankfully, we managed to get to the s.e.a aquarium. the kids enjoyed it tremendously.

but the trip set up back almost 200-over dollars.

haiz...

:-)

busy week

it was funny. i started this week with almost nothing in my schedule. but over the week, the schedule got filled up very fast and i ended up with almost a back-to-back activities for the week. 

but of course, i was not complaining. in fact, being occupied allowed time to pass very fast.

:-)

a sign of worsening condition?

this morning after the maid changed mum's diapers, mum called out to me and asked me how to wear her sarong.

it was weird. she obviously had her sarong on, yet she was figuring out how to wear it. i didn't want to cause her any alarm. i simply told her that she had her sarong on. but she sounded a little confused and said once again that she wanted to wear her sarong right. 

hmmm, she never had any problems with her sarong before. and this was the very first time this happened. was this a sign of worsening of her mental abilities?

i don't know. then again, even if it is, i am not surprised. 

let's see how things go.

ugly singapore people

often a times, i'd take the public transport. and as always, i'll do what i enjoy most - people watch. 

and that was what i did twice this week. and behaviour aside, i always conclude that people in singapore (not necessarily just singaporeans) are generally not very good looking (aka ugly). i really think there's room to be more glam-looking, or better still trend conscious (and i am speaking about myself too)... 

heh...

she's 14

this week 4 nov, sapphie turned 14.

a grand old dame for a dog but still she behaves like a puppy. still as playful, still as active. ok, maybe a little lethargic, but well, for her age, she's considered hyperactive! anyway, as she's vegetarian, i gave her her favorite peanut butter sandwich as a birthday treat! and 2 days later, half a papaya.

and she happily ate everything!

:-)

once in a while - 2

once in a while, i enjoy beating those bloody sports cars on the road by simply driving slowly but skilfully.

here's what happened many a times. as i drive, i get fast cars zipping and weaving their ways between cars as they revved their engines. bloody show-off people, i often thought. but what was interesting was that in singapore road, you cannot rely merely on speed. you need skills. you see, speed seemed to be what most youngsters go for. the adrenaline rush when they rev their engines and feel the super fast pick ups. but as for skills, it comes with experience and naturally, people who has been on the road longer (older people) tend to have this. 

and so, off expressways, despite the super fast pick-ups and the noise they create, these young speedster always end up getting stuck at traffic lights. and when that happens, older folks like me would catch up, and then we can look at them and laugh at them. of cos to them, they probably think we are looking at them with envious eyes. but that is far from why we did so. haha... similarly, on expressways, often we get like-minded experience drivers "bracketing" these fast cars and they end up getting "escorted" by slower cars along expressways, much to their frustrations. 

i know all these tricks. 

i have done them all.

:-)

once in a while - 1

once in a while, i like to react very nicely to rude people (most of the time, i either ignore or i retaliate... haha). and when i do so, the shock you see in their response from your non-mirroring reaction can be very fun and somewhat gratifying. 

yup, this is a warped logic to some of you, but it works for me.

and this morning was a classic case. what happened was that on my way out for breakfast, i had to change lane to get to the housing estate nearby. and naturally, i signalled my intentions early as i needed to get into the filter lane. the traffic was rather heavy. i looked into my rear mirror and saw a mazda, but he was a distance away. i then checked my blind spot and noted a nice comfortable space and i started filtering to my right. next thing i knew, a car horned me. i thought i had missed a car in my bling spot but no, there was none. it was only the mazda. it was weird cos there was lots of space between my car and his. i checked the rear mirror and saw the mazda driver cursing and swearing, presumably at me. i also noted he pointed his middle finger at me and flashed his high beam non-stop. very hostile indeed.

hmmm... weird. i didn't think i had done anything wrong to warrant such hostility. anyway, i simply waved an apology to him. i looked into my rear mirror as i did so and noted he quickly retracted his middle finger. and a split second later, he waved back. the momentarily non-reaction from him was interesting. my reading of it was that he felt embarrassed by his rudeness. he drove passed me as i entered the filer lane. i took a quick glance and noted he didn't look at me. he simply sped off.

"road ragers" on a monday morning... hmmm. perhaps he's had a bad weekend.

moody mum

i think it was cos i went out last night, this morning, mum was so so moody. 

and i wasn't surprised when she asked me to bring her to the temple after we did our marketing. i, of cos, was not prepared. i was dressed in my singlet and shorts and so i told her we'll do the trip in the afternoon. i took the opportunity to ask her why she wanted to head to the temple and said she had not been there for a very long time (which was not true). and when i probed further, she said she was feeling troubled. she didn't want to go into details.

anyway, through the conversation, she claimed that my brother had asked her why she had insisted on offering prayers at his home and given that he had asked her, she insisted he and his wife must have now suspected she's up to something. yup, signs of paranoia again. i reminded her that she had been forgetful and that they were asking simply because they were worried and concerned about her well-being. i then went on to also tell her that i had been bringing her to the temple almost every fortnightly except that she had forgotten.

well... it was a simple conversation, but she interpreted it negatively and ended up refusing to go to the temple after that. also, she refused lunch, got moodier, and avoided me. i simply let her be. from the look of things, i was sure she must have tried to read between the lines when i told her she was forgetful etc. and she must have allowed her imagination to run wild (again). i simply left her alone and let her pout for the whole day. brought her to my brother's place and she behaved normally to everyone, except me. she continued to refuse to talk to me.

heh heh... she went to bed earlier than usual today and i have given her an additional sleeping pill to calm her. but i think it is not working cos within an hour, she woke up and she has moved to the living room sofa to lie down. 

let's see if she falls asleep.

:-)

bee's birthday

today is bee's birthday.

and as per the last couple of years, there was no dinners nor celebrations as we had wanted to keep it low profile. got him a pair of sunglasses last month in advance and that was it. of cos, we went out for a quick drink last evening and that was it.

simple and sweet.

chiro's birthday

my chiro's birthday went by over the weekend and this time, i wished him correctly (i wished him happy birthday on 1 oct and made a boo-boo out of myself last month!).

heh....

obscene? funny? guy@pool

was on leave yesterday and went for a tan at the pool.

then this ang mo (caucasian) guy came along and walked to where i was. he was topless and spotted a pair of his blue shorts.  as he walked, i could see his bulge bouncing and assumed he was freeballing. but after he laid out his stuffs and took off his shorts, my eyes nearly popped out!

it was clear he was wearing a thong and a cock-ring, or maybe a thong that has an in-built cock-ring. and the ring was most likely the type that has a thick girth that made his package stand up perpendicularly from his body when he lied down! and he wasn't shy about it! and looking at it, he could either be described as obscene-looking or perhaps, even like a joke! using my iphone, i snapped a couple of shots and send it to a friend. and guess what? my friend said he was there the day before too. and did the same thing. and apparently, there was a straight couple there and they felt embarrassed by this guy and quickly left after that...

hmmm... now, i am a huge proponent of freedom of expression, but i strongly think such freedom must be done with due considerations and respect to the people and culture we are in. he can wear his cock ring etc and i am perfectly fine with it, but he should consider what is the "norm" when there are members of the public around. and this is even more important when he is a foreigner (i do think he is australian, then again, i might be wrong).

agree?

mourning the departed

a thought passed my mind as i thought about m.y.'s mum's recent passing. i was concerned about how he and his family were handling the departure of his mum and had kept in contact with him throughout the duration of the wake and the funeral. and 2 days after the funeral, i texted him again to know if he was alright and whether he had returned home (the funeral was in malaysia).

he shared that he was ok and that he had been busy with the funeral arrangements and the post-life administrations for his mum. but he said he expect himself to be reminded of her again when things get settled. as he shared, this thought came to me... that 

the real mourning for many of us only start after the funeral. 

it was the same in my experience with my dad's passing. and i saw it too with many of my friend's.

of houseflies & grandfathers

i was at my brother's place last weekend and as we were having dinner, my 4-year old niece suddenly called out "ah gong is here" as she pointed her finger towards my side. i had goosebumps that very moment. for that very second, i thought she saw my father's ghost and he was standing beside me. i took a quick glance and no, there was nothing there. it felt totally eerie. seeing there was nothing, i asked where was my dad (her grandfather) and she pointed to somewhere beside me again... and this time, she added "there, the housefly".

i had a good laugh! well, i recollected that very moment that whenever we went to pay respect to my dad at the columbarium, there would always be a housefly that fly around the offerings and often, this housefly would settle onto the food. and when this happens, my brother would tell my niece that that housefly was "my dad". that his spirit had gone into the housefly and he had returned to receive our offerings. 

well, yes, such reasoning was totally out of this world, but that was something that people of the days passed believed. i had been told by my parents (who in turn, learned from my paternal grandma) that the moth that frequently visited my old house was that of my paternal grandfather. haha... it really sounded nonsensical to me these days. but seriously, as a kid, i really believed and i would always have this unsettled feeling that also include both fearful, as well as respect, whenever a moth came into the house.

:-)

rejected, and relieved

塞翁失马，焉知非福

this phrase was shared with me by a blog reader recently. and he shared with me this after i shared that co b (that i had recently gone for the interview with), reverted that they would not be pursuing further conversations with me for the position anymore. i was not surprised given the total lack of chemistry between me and the interviewer. in fact, it was a total relief for me to know that i will not be required to attend further interviews as my continued attendance was out of considerations of my ex-colleague who referred me to the job.

anyway, back to the phrase. it simply meant - a set-back may be a blessing in disguise, or every cloud has a silver lining. i couldn't agree more. and i certainly hoped so.

:-)

phiten products

i have been looking around for a nice bracelet for a while. pure vanity as i had seen someone wore a certain model and i liked it a lot. and today, i decided to check out the range at a local phiten shop but in the end, i walked out with a necklace and a bracelet. haha... here's the story.

i brought mum to the shopping centre today and i saw a simple looking bracelet at the phiten shop. i decided to take a quick look, just a quick look as i had not intentions to buy it. it looked totally different from what i wanted. seeing my curiosity, the sales person approached me and asked if i had tried their products before. i have not, i said and quickly he asked if i was keen to try out a small experiment. well, no harm right? i thought and walked in. 

he place two 1.5l bottles of water that had been tied together and asked me to lift them up using 2 fingers. i tried and it was indeed heavy. then he placed a necklace around my wrist and to try lifting the bottles again. and amazingly, the bottles felt really much lighter! i was convinced on the spot that the product must have created that effect. anyway, he tried to explain but i wasn't thinking already. i was convinced and i started looking around the place.

i walked out with a matching pair of rakuwa s cross type necklace and bracelet in the end.

:-)

x yosemite

have upgraded my os to x yosemite today.

the whole look and feel are somewhat similar but it somehow feel different. but in terms of speed, i can certainly feel the difference. let's hope i don't get rude shocks as i continue to use it. 

:-)

there are bad people

was watching tv with my mum in the evening when she suddenly moved forward and looked towards the direction of the block facing mine. she has consistently been wary of the unit facing mine as their living lights would be switched on until 3-4am. and knowing what she was doing, i simply asked her whether she's looking at that unit.

she said yes and gave me this weird look. i knew what was on her mind and simply told her that the lights were switched on and most likely the owners of the unit work late and that is why their unit lights were left on until late nightly. when i told her that, she stared at me and told me - no, they are all bad people. 

i knew right then that it was her paranoia acting up again. i simply assured her that there is nothing wrong with them and at most, we should just lock our doors and windows. she didn't take my remark well and chided me. and added that is not that only unit with the lights switch on till late. in fact, there were many units! she might not have finished the last sentence, but what i was hearing was - there were many many bad people!

i told her that if she's that worried, i might as well sell off the house and we move away. but added that even then, it would not solve the problem becos many people sleep late. she looked at me with a very unhappy-wtf look at just refocus her attention onto the tv.

heh heh... this is a paranoid person. just need to get used to it and manage it when it happens.

she smokes & drinks

my second sis came to the house today to visit my mum. quite rare for her to do so cos she's always busy with her work. anyway, she dropped by and in no time started to complain about her eldest daughter.

she has started smoking and even drinks! she exclaimed. i scolded her but she just wouldn't listen. and i am so unhappy cos she blocked me. and of cos my mum added on... no, you must scold her more. if not, she will turn bad! my mum was convinced. ya, i tried and i scolded some more, but she just wouldn't heed my words!

i was kinda irked with this conversation but kept quiet. then the next thing i knew, my sis turned to me and complained about her daughter... i simply told her, she's already and adult (my niece is 25 and is a lawyer). so she should know what is right and what is not. so please let her be. at most, advice her and not scold her. let her live her life. 

my sis was kinda taken aback by my response. she did not go further. but i was sure she knew my stand. i have always reminded her to let them go now that they are all adults. now, i am not an irresponsible uncle or whatever. but i strongly believe that when you kids are all grown up and working, you should just let them live their lives. if they want advice, they will get back to you. otherwise, treat them like an adult and not mother-them day in and out like as though they are still kids. teach you kids values, and if you get it right, you can be sure they will live their lives well. 

no?

i am what i am

this song reminded me of the days back in the late-90s/ early-2000s when i partied at venom with james and his friends on sunday nights. it was a hugely popular song amongst the gay community and belted out by the resident drag queens there frequently. and it was popular not just becos of the lyrics, but also becos gloria gaynor (the original singer) had such a husky transexual-sounding voice. and whenever the song comes on, everyone will break into this frenzied screams and on-the-spot jumps. yup, venom was so crowded we couldn't really dance but just jump like people in a trance... 

so listening to it again, i can almost picture the drag queens lip syncing to this song, complete with trembling lips.

haha!

i will survive

omg, such a gay anthem and i have not gotten it in my blog yet? what have i been thinking all these while!

:-)

why bother?

larry, an friend of more than 3 decades texted me recently and he was concerned about my job search status. i shared with him the details and after hearing about how i am still going through the interviews with co b, he asked a very simple, but pointed question: "why bother to go on with the interview since you are not keen on the position?"

this question was not unexpected as larry is a rather objective person. since young, he has been like that and his question reminded me of "river", a reader of this blog. both of them make decisions very differently from i do. and same like "river", larry had also previously asked me why i had still not considered putting my mum in a home. from my observations, their decision-making tend to be based on facts, rather objective, straight-forward and to me, a bit unfeeling to a certain extend. for me, when i make decisions, i tend to also want to take into considerations things such as values, and relationship. and from carl jung's theory, our personality are at different points of the thinking-feeling continuum. of cos, there is nothing right or wrong about it. it just reflects our decision-making process.

ok, back to the interview process with co b, the reasons why i continued with the interviews is becos it was referred by my ex-head. i had met up with the big boss and she was really very nice and made special provisions for me to meet the various heads. thus, it is only courteous that i go through it. and frankly speaking, by going through the interviews, it helped my hone my conversational skill as well as allow me to know the company better. also, i strongly believe that professionally, it is important to maintain a good relationship with people and not burn bridges. the circle is not big and you never know when you will meet them again.

right?

ur bee in bkk?

"hey, is your bee in bangkok?" 

"i saw him shopping at boots with a bear..."

well, that was how a text came in from a friend. i simply said yup, he is there with his boss to help run an event. but frankly, i didn't feel good about it. then again, there is nothing i can do. he assured me it is work. and i must give him the space to also do some leisure activities outside work.

coffee in moderation

i was told to reduced my coffee intake by the specialist last month. and i had started off by abstaining it totally. it lasted about a week but it left me thinking about it and craving it. coffee had been a constant feature of my life since i was a little boy and to stop it altogether suddenly was not as easy as i had expected. that was not good.

so what i do now is, as far as i can i will not drink coffee. and when i feel the need (such as in the mornings), i will get a cup but i will only drink a mouthful or two. never a cup. i realised that when i do so, the craving stops. and i was able enjoy my routine as much as i could and at the same time gradually reduce my intake altogether. today, i can go without coffee easily. the cravings have disappeared even if i don't drink. 

once again, i was reminded of the buddhist wisdom of living life in moderation and not in extremes.

ebola vaccine

i read an article in the news that the ebola vaccine could be available in bulk for the mass in africa in 8 months. and i must admit, the first thing that came to my mind was - let's hope there are still living people there in 8 months time. don't mean to be insensitive nor rude, but i was just a little pessimistic about the state of how the virus is being managed now. 

let's hope things get in control soon.

mouth ulcer

am not sure if it is stress but i keep having recurring mouth ulcers these days. added to that, my lips are constantly dry and my throat feels parch. it reminded me of 2-3 years ago when i had similar experiences for more than half a year. at that time, it was due to the anti-depressant medication that i was taking. it stopped after i stopped the medication. this time round, i really don't know why i am having this. 

could it be the stress from job search? or could it be the stress of daily routines? 

i really don't know.

no response

after so many many rounds of interview i have attended, this is perhaps the first time the interviewer did not reply my post-interview thank you email. i supposed the feeling of a lack of chemistry is not just one way. then again, it is not courteous to reply. it reflects on the person i supposed.

:-)

sad news

just gotten news from m.y. that his mum has passed away.

may she rest in peace.

me the provider

i remembered what ryan (pseudonym of a friend) told me once before and i shared that i am the same.

he said that in relationships, he is usually the provider. he is the one that gives in, he is the one that provides for his partner, he is the one that cares, the one that showers the other person with lots of things... and many a times, he is the one that gets hurt. a case of what's mine is yours and whats yours is yours too.

i can so totally feel him. i am similar in many areas. 

origins mask

i used to use this particular mask from origins 10 years or more ago. or rather, there were 2 different types - one that is kaolin mud-based called "out of trouble", and another that is charcoal-based called "clear improvement". 

both were something james introduced me to. and he liked them becos they gave him the nice soothing feeling when applied on the face. most importantly, "out of trouble" really helped the face recovers really good and one can immediate see it glow the next day. i threw away the last tubes sometime after we broke off. after all, both tubes of mask had hardened and could not be used anymore.

i have forgotten about them until lately when my face began to feel extra extra oily and somewhat raw. i needed to sooth the skin and help it recover fast. and i was reminded of the kaolin-based mask. as i said, i forgot about the brand and the specific name of the mask except that the brand has a picture of a tree and that i could get it from town. it took me a while to recall it - origins. heh... and before i went for my interview, i got myself a tube. and wohhh, it used to cost s$20-plus per tube. and now a decade later, a tube cost me s$50. and even then the size of the tube is smaller!

hmmm...

another phone

mum couldn't get use to her new phone after a week. and so i bought her another one. this time round, i got her a nokia. a cheap one that cost me s$30. it wasn't the model she used before but i thought the same interface would help. but alas, she struggled with it too despite successfully trying it out at the shop. but well, thankfully, the charging wire for the latest phone fits that of her old one and in the end, i was able to boot up and charge the old phone. so now, i have 2 new phones with me and i don't know what to do with them.

haha!

calls from bee

given my highly negative reactions to his departure, he had made the efforts to call me this time round. let's see if he continues to do so.

interview

went for another round of interview with co b. this time with the head of the department. 

i must say the chemistry was not up to my expectations. thinking back, there were moments where she made me feel uncomfortable from her line of questioning. i was asked to explain what i meant when i wrote "i set up a specific system" in my résumé. thought i was an easy question and went on to talk about how i looked at the business, adopted a systemic look at the organisation and translate these into specific frameworks and processes to drive initiatives. and as i explained, she interjected and said things like "i am so-and-so and i know what this is all about, so tell me exactly what you mean when you say this.... specifically..." omg, i was literally made to explain processes in a step-by-step manner. totally not something i would expect for a senior level role that i was interviewed for.

so... yeah, the chemistry was not ideal. and to think this will be someone i will be reporting to if i join them, the interview kinda reinforced my apprehensions about this company. 

hmmm...

feverish

feeling feverish now. in fact, i had just taken a cold shower and it was one of those where i could feel the cold water getting warm as it runs through my head and trickle down my body. but yes, i felt so much better after dousing myself with a nice cold bath.

think i'll sleep early tonight. let's hope i don't get insomnia like last night.

mum's new phone

bought a new phone for mum last saturday from 7-11 after her existing nokia faced problems with  charging. the new phone is a locally produced elderly phone. it comes with huge number pads and the features it has resemble those first generation nokia phones. nothing complicated but enough that served her needs. but sighs, as of today, she has not gotten used to the phone and still doesn't know how to unlock the screen lock. also, she is not used to the new ring tone and keeps missing calls.

but the good side of things is that she doesn't call me these days (cos she is still not used to it) and i am not worried about having missed calls from her. anyway, let's hope she gets used to this new phone soon.

:-)

stabilised

smsed m.y. today and learned that his mother is a lot better now compared to the critical state she was in a couple of days back. and similar to bs's dad, it was a result of complications following an angioplasty procedure.

do hope she recovers quickly.

:-)

bs's dad got discharged

got the sms from bs's sis today. glad he has recovered sufficiently to be discharged. let's hope he recovers fully and regain his strength fast.

:-)

blah blah

woke up feeling blah. whenever he goes overseas, he gives me this huge blahness. things i don't like about when he goes overseas...

• always tell me at the last moments, sometimes as late as a few hours before trip
• constantly non-contactable when overseas, often will not answer calls, no replies to missed calls, no smses, no replies
• refusing to share flight details and who he's going with
• always happen on holidays in mid-week and stretching over the weekend

he is a huge part of my life and that his physical closeness is a huge support to me. you can say i am insecure, etc but his lack of pro-activeness in informing me and keeping in contact when such trips occur is not helping, and for that matter, making the whole tensions worst.

wtf.

mum & voices

i was feeling rather down and pissed after bee's call about the last minute arrangement to go overseas (yes, bangkok again) when mum called me. it was about 5.15pm and she asked if i am heading home yet and claimed she was hungry.

naturally, i packed up quickly and got home in no time. 

and once i reached home, she seemed unhappy and asked me why i came home so late. i was a little surprised by this question. i usually knock off about 5.45-6pm and would arrive home 6-ish but it was not even close to 6pm when i reach home. i simply told her i had not knocked off and she said something like this...

someone told me your office worked half-day today. 
so how come you are not home yet.

this feedback got me all flustered. once again, there is the "someone" that tells her about me. i asked who this someone was, and she said she did not know, but insisted that this someone is telling her the truth. but as i demanded to know who this someone was, she changed her lines and simply said she was merely asking if my office practices half-day work today given that tomorrow is deepavali.

i was so totally pissed off. both bee's last minute overseas trip and mum's behaviour spoiled my day thoroughly. i was in no mood to make dinner and brought her out instead. and as i did so, i reflected on the incident. and it struck me, could she be hearing voices in her head? 

i don't know. i just want to sleep now.