here without you... again

for whatever reasons, someone clicked on this song and it appeared in my blog stats. i clicked on it...

as i listened, florida came back to me. and i so miss florida. of the base i worked in, of my container office, of my rented house, of the shopping centers, the long aimless drives on weekends, the escapes from hurricanes, the flights to new york, to chicago, the dinners, the non-stop meetings, the work co-ordinating operations for our missions in iraq and afghanistan, the... etc... and especially of tampa bay, my daily runs there, the many moments when i starred into the ocean, the heartaches for people back home, and for james, the lonely nights... yup, so many things came flooding back all at once. listening to this song brings back all the feelings of loss, of pining for people, of missing home, yet at the same time, of freedom, of being able to do what i want to do, when i want to do, and how i want to do things... and the whole ambience and feel of overseas, alone. 6 months.

but no, i don't miss him now although at times i still get reminded of him. then again, as i listened to this song now, my heart feels a little achy. not sure how to describe it, but it is that kinda of momentary dropping feeling and achy feeling that i feel whenever i get transported back to the days of tampa, of florida, of the united states.

sighs...

Here Without You
Songwriters: Roberts, Matt; Harrell, Todd; Arnold, Brad; Henderson, Chris;

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh yeah yeah

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me

Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love, whoa

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me, yeah oh yeah oh

sounds like gay porn...

well, this is about my very friendly chiropractor again... 

today, went to visit him... and as usual, had my deep tissue massage of my right shoulder on top of all the twists and cracking of my spine. given that the treatment has been rather intensive for the last 2 months, my shoulder has started to slowly readjust itself. as a result, my shoulder felt really awkward and sore. and today when i visited him, the shoulder muscles were stiff and uncooperative. he expertly felt and identified all the knots and with the intentions to break all of them down, he used a lot of strength when he did the deep tissue massage. it was really painful. but it was good... it was that kinda painful-but-i-freaking-shit-love-it-oh-please-don't-stop feeling... and as he massage, he kept telling me how deep he has always been doing it and how much more deeper he is really doing it today... and when he ended, he told me that becos it was so intense, the areas around where he massaged had turned red (the blood capillaries has burst due to his pressure, he explained) and would probably scar for a day or two... and he added that well, it would help you remember me by... and he ended with a heh heh...

omfg, such words, if taken out of context can really sound one helluva gay-porn-y to some right? but of cos, you know what i was thinking of when he said all these. it was all pure thoughts. lol!

haha... then again, it was just a massage and a chiropractic treatment...

:-)

ps: i have always wondered where he got his executive shirts from... i know he said he got them tailored at bkk, but really, they are really beautiful... or what a minute, could it also be becos his body carry the shirt well? hmmm... whatever...

pps: whenever he massages me, i will not talk nor chat with him as i would be grimacing in pain. and when i explained that to him, he said he know, and that he would just listen to my deep breathing as he presses my shoulder away... haha!

sunshine after rain...

things are back to normal today... or, by evening, to be more specific. the mental tensions that i had expected did not occur. woke up and she seemed somewhat normal. spoke to her and she responded as per usual. the only hint of anything behavior that was not normal was that she left quietly for her rehab without telling me. that was the clearest indicator that she was a little off this morning. when i called her at noon as per usual to check on her, she spoke with me in a rather normal manner. and by evening time, she was back to her old self. just like as though nothing had happened. the following were some of the things that i suspected helped:

• when i "lectured" her yesterday, i kept using my granddad's (her father whom she feared, and respected) name and told her that her behaviour was not what he had expected and that if he was alive, he would chide her... this was to prevent her subconscious from working up. when it does so, it will always manifest itself as my granddad coming in her dream to tell her to run away or that her children are not filial to her etc. so, in a way, by using my granddad's name, i was targeting her sub-consciousness. you could say i was playing mental games... but i guess it helped. 
• before she slept yesterday, i increased the diazepam (sleeping pill) dosage by an additional half tablet. that was to make her sleep deeper and to prevent her from waking up prematurely. this would help relax her mentally.
• there was an incident at her rehab center that made her rather excited. that could possibly erase some of her memory about what happened yesterday. apparently, at the rehab center, as she related to me during dinner, one of the patients (short of a better word) lose her consciousness after lunch and was send to the hospital via an ambulance. according to her, she had spend the morning chatting with this lady and was kinda taken aback at sudden turn of event.

so... by evening, everything seemed perfectly fine. it was like as though nothing had happened. and she was even receptive to having bee join us for dinner. and to make sure i break the routine, i brought her to raffles city instead of the usual changi city point, etc.

:-)

hell broke loose

after a day of psycho-ing myself to be happy and gay, i lost it totally this evening.

all hell broke loose... i hit my threshold when she again refused to eat and insisted on white porridge with soya sauce. she needed to take proper meals or she will suffer downstream medical issues, especially when she was forewarned this morning she needed to take some proper food after her medication or her stomach will be affected. it has happened before and it is happening again. and her tone of voice towards me was superbly hostile. and before i knew it, she started her wallowing again... next thing i knew, i was throwing everything onto the living room floor. the porridge flew, my rice cooker flew, glass containers of canned food flew, my rice storage container flew, spoons, ladle, and so on... everything was everywhere. the house was a total war zone. and i broke down, i cried.  

and when i got myself composed and quietened down, i had to spend close to 3 hours washing the house... and as i washed, i reminded her how much efforts i had put in to look after her, despite her frequent accusations that i disliked having her stay with me and that i am ill-treating her. she kept quiet throughout.  and after i cleaned the house, i administered her her evening medication. she took it quietly and went to bed. and now that i am a little more composed, i felt a little bad. should have controlled my temper.

i will now have to face the brunt of her mental flare up tomorrow.

sighs...

ps: everything that was thrown broke... and i do not intend to buy anymore rice, rice cooker, etc. it would give her reasons to refuse food and cook white porridge again. and when that happens, it's gonna give me more tensions...

happy & gay, trying to be...

well, felt agitated earlier, and still am... somewhat... have not taken any food today. a hungry man is an angry man. then again, i am not a "man" man per se today... my mental state is such that i am trying to make myself see things from a positive point of view. but i am certainly not delusional. i am trying hard to see things from different perspectives. a more positive perspective i hope. need to be, well short of an appropriate adjective, happy and gay! lol!

i am lying in bed, stuck at home. cannot head out, not when i have an emo-mental mum at home who has locked herself in her room and insisting on a plain porridge diet now. so... anyway, the sky is really bright and beautiful. and there is hardly any haze. beautiful day... hmmm... yes, have done the laundry too. just nice... and damned! am also becoming an auntie now! lol!

and yes, i am hungry. very hungry now. but i have no desire to eat. in part cos i am agitated and in part cos i have to head out to buy food, and i cannot do that. hmmm... perhaps it is a good thing to do considering i am a little overweight and that it will help me slim down.

usually when the sun is out like the way it is now, i will head to the pool for a tan, ogle at the boys (or some young uncles even) and perhaps witness a flashing or two. but much as i itch so now, i cannot... but hey, my face will be less tanned and i will probably look fabulous when i go for any interviews... and certainly, i will reduce my chance of getting skin cancer.

and my phone is spoilt. i need to get it send to the service center. but i cannot leave my mum alone. ok, ok, will send it in to the service center tonight, and can have dinner there at the same time. and yes, since the service center is at changi city point, i might as well pay a visit to take a look at the cute vietnamese boy...

and since i am so bluddy free now at home, i might as well write entries into my blog... and don't ask me why i chose this picture of a face, i just thought it was nice...

:-)

picture from http://www.gaydarradio.com/music/interviews/2012/3/cocabelle.html

agitated

i am feeling extremely agitated now over how things are developing with regards my mum. need to keep reminding myself to hold my cool.

look inwards... look inwards...

even this shall pass...

picture from http://www.flixya.com/photo/1694701/Agitated-Depression

self-pity

the doctor said her stomachache was due to gas. and it could be due to indigestion. gave her a jab and some medication and asked her to make sure she takes the medication regularly. and given the acidic nature of her medication, we were told to ensure she take some food after taking the medicine. i asked the doctor why she kept asking for water despite the fact that she was only recently hospitalized for overloading of fluids and that the hospital did not find anything wrong with her kidneys or bladder. the doctor told me all these could be due to her depression. sighs... 

and as to be expected, she was in her self-pity mode. my husband don't want me, my children don't want me, i want to die, i don't want to live... la la la... and when i brought her for breakfast after the visit to the clinic, as needed for her and her medication, she refused food. and insisted she simply wants plain water. an exact repeat of what happened to her before her last hospitalization. almost lost my cool at the hawker center. and after some intensive coaxing, managed to get her to minimally drink half a glass of barley, take her medication and to minimally take a bite of bread when she reach home. she kept going on and on about how she wants to die, how her children are not treating her well, how she wants to resort to social welfare, etc. well... she is now home, managed to get her to eat a small bite of bread. nonetheless, her self-pity and wallowing continues. and she has also started to bring back all her history. and worst, confuse some of her history with her present... sighs. let's see how to manage her day's meals... gonna be one helluva challenging given her pattern of going on hunger strike or to simply eat plain white porridge (she believes if she does so, she will get immediate divine intervention to solve her problems). can also expect her self-pity, wallowing and accusations of neglect, delusion etc to continue for the next few days...

i had hoped to take a mental break and to do some proper job search, and not to be occupied with having to focus solely on her. but it looks increasingly difficult...

this was exactly what i had feared.

picture from http://insidemybubbletoday.blogspot.sg/2009/09/my-bubble-ive-been-left-behind.html

what a start

today is the first day of unemployment for me - that is, according to how news have unfolded to mum. 

i woke up, all ready to hit the road to do my chiro, to meet up with an old friend, and then to repair my iphone... in short, my me-time after a weekend of managing mum's mood swings.

and when i walked out of my room, mum whined and at the same time commanded me, i have stomach ache since 3am. i couldn't sleep properly... i want to see doctor, i don't want to go rehab. call the rehab staff not to come fetch me...

i am trying very hard to control myself. but i seriously feel she is doing this on purpose. let's hope i am wrong.

arghhhh...

told her liao

i have deliberately made every possible efforts not to tell my mum about quitting my job as i know she would not be able to take this stress. and i had kept this news from her for the longest time. nonethless, i told my sis about it and she told my mum about it last month. and since then, she had been asking me non-stop about it. i found out later after asking my mum that my sis had told her about it and the news  made her worry. since then, she would time and again asked to go to the temple pray for me to have a smooth worklife, and for me to be able to find a good job... sighs... it was specifically becos i didn't want this to happen that i wanted to keep my quitting from her. she cannot take such stress. damned i thought. why must be sis be so careless in her conversation with my mum. didn't she know that mum cannot take such news? damned damned damned! of cos i cannot blamed her for she totally cannot and do not know how to talk to mum. she didn't even bother to want to talk to her! anyway, i smsed her and told her about this boo-boo and asked her not to harp on it nor bring it up again. she said ok... the matter was not brought up again.

since leaving my job 2 weeks ago (which mum did not know about), i had been maintaining my routines of heading to "work" and coming home as per "normal" time. i didn't want mum to worry about my unemployed status and i had prior to my departure from work, forewarned my siblings about telling my mum about it. but somehow, over the last 2 weeks, i found mum behaving very weird. everytime she spoke with me or when she saw me, she would asked whether i am really going to work, or whether i am at home when i called her, or what time did i come home from work, etc. initially i found out that she asked the condo cleaner and they told her i was home. and so i continued staying off my place through the whole day. but still the questioning went on despite all the so-called cover up. and in one of my indirect questioning of mum, i found out that my second sis has time and again, call her and ask her whether i am at home, what time i come home, what time i go work etc. and all these despite telling her that i have not told mum about me stopping work. damned damned damned and more damned! 

so, to prevent further damages and having to handle even more tensions, i decided to tell mum i will be stop going to work this coming week. i told her about it on friday (2 days ago). and guess what - mum went into depression. she started not talking. she avoided food. she just wanted to drink plain water. she refused her medication. she just laid on the sofa and blanked off, black-faced. just so so so freaking frustrating. like as though i am not frustrated enough, now i have to manage a depressed mum... told both my brother and sister about it. asked them to help talk to her and to advise her to eat. and their reply? sorry, i am very busy, got no time to do it. will be busy for the next 2 weeks. you manage. well, not exact words but you got the drift. and that was what i did through this weekend. had to cajole her to eat, brought her to the temple to ease her mental stress, avoid staying at home as she would go into blank mode once she hits her sofa, brought her to my brother's place to play with my niece, go shopping, go walk around... but well, she knows i am now unemployed. and i can see more questions coming. for a start, just before she retire to bed, she already asked, tomorrow, what time you waking up? what are you going to do? la la la... 

so very tiring. no, am just totally exhausted now. 

iphone died

arghh! dropped my iphone and the screen went blank... and it won't start up. hmmm... frustrating! then again, i will be forced to be free of my phone for the moment. peace indeed...

:-)

happiness

we may be one of the richest country in the world, but are we the happiest? i don't sense it from what i am seeing. also, many a times, the poorest people are the happiest. if that is the case, perhaps we should take a step back and reflect if we can balance our materialistic approach to growth with something less tangible?

in fact, this quick reflection reminded me of a few things.  first of which was my buddhist teachings. it reminded me about the need to manage greed. greed is one of the 3 poisons (the other 2 being delusion and ignorance). and in the pursuance of more material wealth aka greed, we have forsaken/ not placed sufficient emphasis on aspects relating to our non-tangibles. concepts such as kindness, respect, happiness... to put in perspective, it is not wrong to pursue materials/ tangibles, but the over emphasis of this has resulted in very unhealthy outcomes. this, of course, leads me to the conclusion that we are suffering due, in a large part, to our inability to practice moderation or middle path, in buddhist lingo. and this reminded me of something that mahatma gandhi said, and it went something like this:

"we can feed all the needs in society, but we cannot feed all the greed"

just a quick weekend babbling here...

sorry for you

i have a long time friend, or specifically a 34-year friend, that i meet up for meals regularly. often, it would be at his place where his wife would cook and i would eat as part of his family. but over the last year or so since my mum came over to stay with me, we could only do lunches as i have to be home to look after mum. he knew about my daily/ weekly routines and would often try to arrange for lunches instead. and recently, he said he felt very sorry for me cos i have not much time to myself (he does not know i am gay)... well... i told him not to. it (the routine) is something that i can grow in to, although i initially faced a lot of internal tensions at the lose of my self-time... 

but well, i supposed i have gotten used to it.

my routines

here's my weekly routine... and it repeats every week...

weekdays
0730: self-time (wake up, wash up)
0740: dog-time (bring dog to pee/ shit)
0750: self-time (read newspaper)
0800: work-time (go to work)
1830: dog-time (come home, bring dog to pee/ shit)
1845: mum-time (bring mum for dinner/ shopping)
2145: mum-time (come home, administer medication to her)
2200: self-time (watch tv, relax, work)
2230: dog/ bee time (bring dog to pee, meet bee @ car park if he is free)
2315: self-time (bath, work, relax, surf net, & watch porn too)
0100: sleep-time...

weekends
0830: self-time (wake up, wash up)
0840: dog-time (bring dog to pee/ shit)
0850: self-time (read newspaper)
0900: mum-time (bring mum to breakfast)
1000: housework/ mum-time (come home, housework, chat with mum)
1200: mum-time (bring mum out, for lunch, to temple, to visit bro, etc)
1600: housework/ mum-time (come home, housework, buy tea for mum)
1815: dog-time (bring dog to pee/ shit)
1830: mum-time (bring mum for dinner/ shopping)
2145: mum-time (come home, administer medication to her)
2200: self-time (watch tv, relax)
2230: dog/ bee-time (bring dog to pee, meet bee @ car park if he is free)
2315: self-time (bath, relax, surf net, & watch porn too, lol)
0100: sleep-time...

kinda routine... and if there are any deviations (eg to attend a dinner), lots of preparations need to be put in place or else, mum will go mental... but well, gotten used to it...

on repeat mode...

picture from http://funnyfunny12.no-ip.org

sleeping with all...

in one of the forum that i visited often, there was a comment and it went, and i quote verbatim:

"i notice if you befriend an aj on facebook, 

you can pretty much play connect-the-dots to all the ajs in singapore lol"

an interesting comment indeed. in fact, it was similar to something many of my friends and i kinda concluded many moons back... that:

"if you sleep with one aj in singapore, you sleep with all..." 

(or for that matter, all gays in the world!)

agree? haha!

don't play play, be protected, wear condom when you play. practice safe sex always. you never know where the hiv virus had spread to in the line of the many persons that were part of the chain of people involve in this chain of sex partners, of which you were but part of the long chain...

picture from http://www.nomblog.com/18077/

one cute vietnamese boy!

well, since i have just written an entry about one cute filipino boy, i shall also write an entry about a cute vietnamese boy... here goes. you see, i always walk my mum at changi city point. and as usual, i would walk her to a japanese restaurant where this very cute pizza boy works. well, this is a japanese western food restaurant that serves pizzas and what have yous and they make the pizza fresh in front of the public. and ever so often, whenever i walk pass the restaurant, i would secretly take glances at him... 

what happened yesterday was that as i walked pass the restaurant, he was busy making pizzas. and i asked mum if she wanted to take a look. of cos, mum, being curious as usual, decided to do so and stood up from her wheelchair. our pizza boy noted our presence and smiled at us shyly as he continue kneading the pizza dough. mum watched him make the pizza while i watched him. haha... this went on for a while and when he was at this second pizza, he looked at us again and smiled as he pointed to the roast duck picture to us. that was when i started our little conversation. i asked if he needed to undergoing training for it... he said his japanese chef taught him. he sounded foreign and i asked further if he was japanese... he said no, he was from vietnam. heh heh... we spoke a bit more and he told me his name. and i asked if i could take some pictures to which he gamely posed for me, pizza and all... so cute i thought. haha... and then he added, when you come next time, tell me. i will make a special one for you. i will try my best and i hope you like it... so sweet right!? then again, it would have been even more appealing to me if he had said if you wanna cum next time, i will give you a special... haha...

well, after his demonstration and short chat, i thanked him in vietnamese and for that very moment, his jaw dropped. and next thing i knew, he broke into a huge shy grin! haha... think he didn't expect anyone to be able to speak vietnamese... and well, for the record, i could only utter thank you in vietnamese. haha... and as bee said it, ya ya ya, know one word and can use it to bluff small boys... hahaha... my bee knows me so well...

one cute filipino boy!

was walking along east coast park yesterday and found an employment pass under a tree. i took a look and saw a stack of cards together with it. well, the cards were nothing, really, they were largely name cards, promotion cards, telephone cards and even some loyalty cards. but what made me a little concerned was the fact that the employment pass is still valid and belonged to filipino working as a draughtsman for a construction company. 

he must be one helluva worried, i thought. the first thing that came to my mind was to head to the police station and hand it over. but after i got back to my car, i decided it would probably be a hassle and the filipino would probably be super duper worried. i took a closer look at the pass and noted the company's name and decided to google for it in my car. in no time, i got the the guy (who was on site instead of his office). i called him and arranged to meet him up at an mrt station... as i drove, i got an sms from him asking me to call him at that mobile number when i arrive.

well, looking at the details on the pass, well, i noted he will be 30 years old next month, as for the look department, his picture showed him a little balding, and not too good-looking. but i had to remember his looks cos that was the only way i could identify him by. i arrived at the mrt station, and when i saw him, i was like wow wow wow! such a cute boy! nice built, about 1.7m, broad shoulders, cute face and best of all, very firm handshake and nice manly voice...

he thanked me profusely for returning the things. i drove off, still mesmerized by his looks... and i decided to sms him. hope the things are in order, i wrote. and he replied with a super long message thanking me again... so sweet i thought. and i replied, happy birthday in advance... :-) such a flirt i am... someone told me once before, filipinos are all so so friendly becos they are either gay or bi, there are no straight filipino men... and for that moment, i  wish i had tested him... haha!

to prevent further flirting, i deleted his phone number. 

ps: my v friendly chiropractor is a first gen singapore pr of filipino descent!

getting bored

well, not really... how can one possibly get bored with doing nothing right? but well, it is really true. been rather free last 2 weeks... since i left the company. and i supposed it is also becos i cannot come home during the day time and i have to wild away my time wondering what to do... that is the difficult part lo...

:-)

ears n mouth

was surfing the web today and this was what i read. and i thought it is really something... very realist in fact...

"successful singaporeans don't listen enough. if god gave you two ears and one mouth, use it proportionately. it worries me when clever people don't do that... we have had political stability for so long that we've started to take it for granted. if you ask me, all this talk about human rights and liberal democracy is idealistic." ceo, capitaland

so true ya?

forgetful mum

these days, mum are getting increasingly more forgetful. for that matter, things that happened a day or two ago, she cannot recall much. looks like her condition is worsening. 

sighs.

taking care of mum

these are some of the lessons i have learned from taking care of mum that i have shared in one of the gay forum that i frequent. and i am writing it here cos i think they are important notes that i can share. it was not easy and i too went through the tensions and am not shy to admit that i have lost my temper with her many a times. i had also tried to play mind games with her, thinking that to counter mental issues is to also play mind games, but ultimately, i learned that it is futile. she is incapable of thinking logically at times and can only rant about things that happened 50 years ago. and she would repeat the same story day in day out, and she would throw tantrums when she feels anything is not right, choosing to take it that things are happening against her favor... in short, she is like a baby in an elderly body... so... yup, the few things i have learned that helped me include:

• see things from her angle and try to understand what she is trying to say (observe the body language and try to understand what is unsaid instead). it also helps to start from the point that the elderly is very insecure
• avoid as much as possible to avoid seeing things from an "me" angle, that is the start of personal tensions (e.g. i want to do this but she...., i want to eat this but she..., because of her, i cannot do this, or that...)
• when talking to her, i learn to get her to talk instead and ask more question that answer questions
• when responding to her, respond in a way that tells her she is the center of my world
• when explaining things to her about consequences about her actions, explain the consequences on her rather than consequences on me (or you).
• also, it helps to know that to elderly, they always chose not to believe you but believe people of authority, eg doctor, policeman, lawyer, etc, so when you see a doctor, work with the doctor to tell her things you want to tell her (eg i tell the doctor to tell her not to drink too much as overloading herself with fluid will lead to edema/ leg swelling)
• always assure her that things are ok
• never tell her major news, slowly release things to her in bite size, take time to built a picture. will reduce the stress level. here, do note that big/ small are relative. to an elderly dementia mental patient, a simple news such as "i will be going out of the house later" can be considered big news and if handled wrongly, can be interpreted as "you don't want to look after me, you are leaving me along, you don't care about me anymore, so i will leave the house..."

and to maintain family harmony,

• never bad mouth or say anything about your siblings regardless of what your elderly parent say (what they say is what they interpret through their lenses and may not be the real fact)
• if there is nothing good to say, dont say anything
• if she tells you this or that about your sibling, ask her why rather than tell her your opinion. never share any opinion cos it might be interpreted as taking sides and the elderly may, through their interpretation, say something else to your siblings.
• talk direct to your siblings instead of through your elderly parent, will prevent a lot of misunderstanding

well, these are just some simple pointers... hope to built up this list over time...

of cocks & quick bucks

damned! have been getting spam mails from some adriana xyz (the last name varies)... and all asking if i want sex or if i wanna earn a quick buck... these people are damned one kind. keep spamming people's mails. and to top it off, after so many years of getting penis-related mails (such as a series i got previously about thicker or longer penis), there are still people sending spam mails asking if i want to lengthen my penis or have a harder hard on via some enhancement pills. darned! these people really know how to target the human male's insecurities and/ or desires. then again, i wonder what is the success rate of these mails... imagine, if the spammers sent out 1 million of such mails, they will get minimally 1000 hits even if the success rate is 0.1%. not too bad. not too bad.

ps: and for the record, i strongly believe thickness or length is not the issue. the key is whether it is functional and whether his master can combine it with a solid foreplay, and to make full use of all his charm and senses to turn on his partner. come on, what good is someone with a super schlong if he turns out to be a cold dead fish or a total asshole, right? haha!

pink - try

a very nice song that was shared by a pen pal via an email. kinda surprised to have him share this song with me. my first reaction was - pink? ok, she is so not my generation. i mean, i have heard of her and praises about her songs. but, really, i have not really actively gone out to listen to her nor find out how she looks like. perhaps that is just how i am at this point in my life. i have really passed the stage of listening and following songs. these days, most if not all the new songs i know are recommended by people. hmmm... age perhaps? haha... or perhaps it is just the stage of life where i am more settled and no longer looking for such escapes. whatever... i clicked on the youtube link. and the video started.

and as i watched, what struck me was the lyrics. it reminded me of the days when i was actively searching for love and looking for love at the wrong places, getting hurt and getting no where. the many years up to 1996 where i was involved sexually with many ons yet denying my own sexuality were the most empty and emotionally draining, yet, at the same time, very eventful and memorable. within that span on a year or 2 after i came out, i oscillated between extremes of happiness and the depth of depressions. and yes, i was even suicidal. dec 1996... thinking back, it was kinda extreme. and i was very stupid. mmm...

ok, i have allowed my thoughts to run again. yup, lots of thought went through my mind as i listened to the song and followed the lyrics. times have changed. people have grown old. many have died. yet, the emotions that we experience remain the same. and yes, for me, i am happy that i am now very comfortable with myself at many levels, sexually, emotionally, etc...

:-)

thank you my friend for sharing this.

low class people

after the visit to the polyclinic, i brought mum to the marine parade market for breakfast again. well, of cos, my purpose for heading there was not to find the gay butcher aka zhu rou rong la (although i am sure many of you will not believe me, lol!)... so let me share my main reason - my mum only takes vegetarian food for breakfast and the hawker center is one of the 2 (the other being bedok north hawker center) that sells a variety of good vegetarian food, including vegetarian kuay chup, vegetarian bee hoon, vegetarian wonton mee, etc. but well, since i was there, i decided to buy pork from zhu rou rong after my breakfast, and woh! there was a new assistant butcher! and this one looked totally like a typical uni-student! and he spoke very good english too! for all you know, he might just be a uni-undergrad! and i was pleasantly surprised that zhu rou rong actually speaks quite good english too! whatever the case, it was very interesting to hear them utter "tai lou, here's your rou ku, $4 please". woh! cantonese, chinese, english, everything into one sentence! how much more singaporean can that be right? lol! 

ok, back to my story. when we arrived, i wheeled my mum to the table reserved for handicapped persons. and at this table, there was an elderly lady. she had placed quite a few bags on the table and chairs. but when she saw us, she allowed us to sit there. and although she said she would vacate the table and move to the next table (where a few aunties and uncles were seated), she did not. well, it did not really bother me and i went about getting the food. in no time, the food came and we started eating. and before i knew it, the lady started talking to me. she told me how the noodle from the store i ordered was inferior to another store, and about who is who in the market and which store is good and which store should be avoided. she speaks fluently in english and chinese. and through the conversation, i learnt that she is 77 years old and is a retired primary school teacher. and the conversation went on with her talking about her family, her daughter, her granddaughter, how she enjoys good food, her visits to the different countries and how she still climb mountains, her infrequent game of mahjongs on weekends, etc... it all seemed easy conversation but... as she got comfortable, she started to also say things that made me uncomfortable... 

she started to say things from a very self-righteous angle, and she went on the brag about how she was able to enjoy life despite being 77 years old becos she is educated, compared "those old ladies" who are not educated (which was kinda weird considering my mum, who was uneducated, was sitting beside me!) i kept quiet... and as she spoke, one of the hawker auntie came forward to speak with her. the hawker auntie seemed to know her well and they spoke in cantonese. after a quick chat, the hawker auntie went over to the next table and continued chatting (with the uncles and aunties).  now these uncles and aunties were the typical dialect-speaking people, very heartlander and very spontaneous. and they spoke loudly and laughed out loud at the slightest joke they crack. it was actually  quite a nice gathering of friends i thought. but not to this lady for despite all the smiles, she said "these people are lowly educated. and much as i come here to meet friends, i try not to be seen with them or to sit with them (ahhhh... that explained why she did not move to the next table earlier, i thought). you know, she said, these people are very low class..." adoi... how could you say that, i thought. not very nice right? if you think they are low class, then in the first place, you should simply just keep out of this place. terrible terrible. after she shared all these, i felt uncomfortable and i quickly excused myself and walked away with my mum. sighs...

but of cos, when i did a quick reflection, i realized that what she expressed was very typical of people of her generation. this was exactly how my mum always shared with me about how my aunts and uncles would look up/ down on people based on their education levels, wealth, etc... and somehow, i am really glad we singaporeans have moved away from all these... although i would say, factors such as education-levels and wealth continue to be important factors that shaped our views of people... (just look at my first paragraph of this blog! ha!)

:-)

picture from http://www.spring.org.uk/2012/04/do-posh-people-cheat-more-than-the-lower-classes.php

health check

i passed my blow job test... erm... haha... ok, ok, here's the story. i was at the polyclinic this morning for my regular 6-monthly check-up. had felt like not going cos there was totally nothing wrong with me... well, except perhaps my infrequent headaches, my non-stop back flow of my mucus in my nose, my never-ending sniffling, my persistent coughs, my sometimes short of hearing, my once a while diarrhea, my ever present mouth ulcers when i get heaty... damned, after writing all these, i feel like a half-dead person... but hey, when you see a doctor every half-yearly, issues that flare up once in a blue moon becomes a non-issue... and so, with no other intentions other than the desire to catch up with my doctor (who, has over time, become my friend), i visited the polyclinic. and i brought mum along. i thought it would be good to make the visit into a little outing for mum too... cannot leave her alone at home in case she goes mental... not good. well, the visit to the clinic was easy (as usual)... as a family clinic patient, i had priority in all things. no queues, no waiting, etc. and it was easy peezy.

• height: 1.71m (vertically challenged, but normal for people my generation)
• weight: 73.3kg (damned, i have put on weight again!)
• bmi: 25.06 (need to target 23-ish)
• blood pressure (bp): 108/ 78
• pulse rate: 68 
• temperature: normal 
• peak expiratory flow rate (pefr): 515 (the nurse said, wow, very good!). this is to test my ability to breathe out air from my lung. i was required to blow into a tube called the peak flow meter (see picture above). the reading would be an indicator of my respiratory health. in short, how well i could give a blow job. literally! and yes! for the record, i passed the blow job test with flying rainbow colors!

everything was great and i was given a clean bill of health... well, of cos, when the nurse asked if i have been compliant for my statins, i said no, and i also admitted i had not been exercising as much as what was desired... then again, if it was a measurement of eye exercise looking at cuties, i would have passed with flying rainbow colours too... lol, ok, i have gone out of point. since i was there, i took the nurse's advice to have my flu vaccination. and of cos, the nurse was so nice as to help me register for mum to get her vaccinated as well.

:-)

pictures from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peak_expiratory_flow

capital letters

i read somewhere that when a person writes in capital letters wholly, he/ she is an egotistic person, and one who does not like to reveal to people about themselves. and if a person writes in small caps primarily, then he/ she is a person who lacks self-confidence. hmmm... well, i write in small caps. and am i lacking of confidence? hmmm... perhaps i am, but in areas that i am strong in, i definitely am not... so, is this "theory" of caps vs confidence a valid one? i am not sure and i don't care! all i know is that i am used to it, and i have decided to use small caps since a couple of years back cos i am simply too lazy to press "shift" on the keyboard so often. so... ya, confident or not, i don't care and i don't bother! and i think people sometime has too much time at hand and thus go about analyzing such bo liao details. 

haha... i certain do sound confident here!

picture from http://thesumofdavid.com/2009/06/04/letters/

swimming pool sights

have been hitting the pool these couple of days to swim and to tan. i had started my swimming regime all over again as part of the process to strengthen my shoulder muscles. and frankly, the pool on weekdays can either be very quiet, in which case, would be filled with gay men, or really crowded with noisy kids.

today, when i arrived at about 11-ish, it was rather quiet. and as per quiet days, there would be a couple of gay men tanning away. and it so happened that my favorite few tanning chairs located at the far end was taken and i had to lie on another one that was located closer to the public viewing area. as it was a quiet day, i didn't mind. before long, an ang mo (caucasian) man in white trunks, who had just finished his swim, came by and laid on a tanning chair face-up. the ang mo then put on a pair of dark sunglasses - the type that could protect his eyes very well, and at the same time mask his eyes from us such that we would not know whether he was indeed looking at guys. 

just about the same time, a tall chinese guy (a common face in the pool) arrived. as usual, he was in his running shorts. this guy has the habit of wearing running shorts with no inner lining. and what he did was he dragged a tanning chair and placed it close to the ang mo. despite the sunglasses, it was clear our ang mo was looking at this chinese guy as he turned his head towards his direction. this chinese guy (who was also aware that ang mo was looking at him) then pretended to look for things in his bag, and as he searched, he deliberately spread his legs and exposed himself to the ang mo. 

aiyoh... broad daylight lo... and in front of me too... next thing you know, both the chinese guy and the ang mo started getting aroused... as for the chinese guy, his family jewel jutted out of his shorts in full glory to the ang mo and i. as for the ang mo, he was facing upwards and you could see it grow... mmm... and let's put it this way... you can count his pulse rate just by looking at what's straining against his trunks... and it was indeed a huge one! 

tsk tsk tsk... what an "in-sight-ful" morning.

unemployment

been a good few restful days for me. suntan, swim, run, gym, relax, shop... the usual stuff that one would do when one is free. and yes, i am really free these days... but well, before you envy me, i would say this - i don't think i can last! relaxing for a day or two is fine, but if i were to relive the period of unemployment between my retirement from military service and the start of my last employment, i'd be very stressed up!

this time round, i must say my financial standing is not as good. in fact, i think i can probably last a month or two and if i don't start work, i'll probably have to start selling backside... well, not literally though. there is no market for angkers (or at least paid market)... hahaha! but seriously, this time round, my finances are really tight, and coupled with the housing and car loans, i have the added responsibilities to look after, feed and clothe my mum and so on.

and i must add, my mum does not know i am unemployed and to keep her from worrying, i have to leave home at 8.15am daily and return pass 6pm. i cannot even come home in between cos my condo cleaners would talk about it like how it happened 2 days back! and mum would get all suspicious and mental... argh... well, hope to get the job i am waiting for by november!

ps: the headhunter called up and told me the interview date with the top man is firmed!

picture from http://fasteasyloans.org/unemployed-and-need-a-loan-to-help-out/

so nice of him...

well, i am gonna write about my superbly friendly chiropractor again (i try not to use the term gay-friendly now, compared to the last time cos in the first place, i did not come out to him and it would not be right to say he is gay-friendly).

went for my appointment again today. he was in executive wear and looked bright and cheery in his pink long-sleeved shirt. we chatted as he treated me. and i asked him if there were any reasons why they (he and his other chiropractor) don different outfit on different days of the week. you know, some days executive, some days polo... well, he said "no particular reasons..." and then he asked me which ones i prefer "executive? white polo tees? or black polo tees?" and "why?" well, objectively, what he did was simply doing a check with a customer on his views about their work outfit. i can perhaps see this as part of their customer relations efforts. but then again, it can also be misconstrued as flirting right?

ok, shan't read too much... but another remark caught me totally off-guard. as he gave me his deep tissue massage onto my shoulder, he said, "well, i specially trimmed my nails over the weekend cos i know i will be massaging you today. and i don't want to scratch you with my sharp nails..." aiyoh, so sweet right? for that very moment, i totally didn't know how to respond (but admittedly, i had the picture of his fingers leaving scratch marks on my back mentally! lol!)... it was until late afternoon that i whatsapp him to thank him for his kindess and considerations. he lol-ed and said that it is what he usually does if he needs to give people deep tissue massage... so now, how would you read this remark? flirting? or simply - stating a fact? hahaha...

whatever the case, he is just so sweet!

pajamas

brought mum to changi airport for dinner as usual. and on our way to the car park, i saw this lady with 2 of her daughters. they must have been 8-10 years old. and alamak! they were in pajamas! damned! i have always wondered why people do such things... it is one thing for a gay guy to wear skimpy singlets in public to make a fashion statement, but it is another thing altogether to make your kids wear pajamas  to public places, much less changi international airport! and if the mum is out to convince tourists that it is surprising singapore (which used to be our tourism tagline), well, i can say she succeeded.

surprising singapore indeed!

haiz...

ps: as i write this post, i also learned that there is a variant to the spelling "pajama". and it is spelt as "pyjama"!

still keen?

a headhunter that called me 2 months back smsed me today. "i have an opening for you, you keen?"... such a great coincidence! well, despite the fact that my other headhunter's referral is in the advanced stage of interview, i told this headhunter i am keen... so, the headhunter will be talking to her client and see if she can fix an interview me me.

:-)

missing me...

my staff sms me today and tell me they missed me... so sweet right?

:-)

1st unemployment day

today marks my first day of being unemployed. and man was it super duper relaxing... here's an account of what i did...

• went off early as per daily work time, this so that my mum will not suspect anything and will not worry about me.
• went for my chiropractic treatment (will write another post about it! haha!)
• went for a swim (have actually not swam for quite a while)
• and then for a long tan (at this rate, i will get skin cancer!)
• came home to charge my phone and then to the gym for a quick workout
• and then to parkway parade for afternoon tea (tiramisu and coffee goes well together)
• and shopping...
• and then to bedok reservoir for a jog!

after the jog, it was about 6plus and that was the usual time i head home after work... heh heh... i will sleep well tonight, i am sure! gonna be busy. all my lunch slots have been booked. haha... in between, it will be more swim, tan, relax, tea, etc...

dog-in-black

don't mess! 

this is an agent that behaves like a fish when she goes to the beach, like a mouse when she sees a cat, like a crazy dog when she sees another dog. and she will destroy all sorts of aliens including mosquitos, houseflies, lizards, cockroaches, and all other creepy crawlies... yup... 

this is sapphie, the dog-in-black!

:-)

electrocuted goldfish

if fishes can glow when they get electrocuted, my goldfish would have shine like a light bulb! ok, ok, am not about to make a joke out of this incident. it was actually very unfortunate. all these while, i have mr ranchu (a gold fish) remaining in my fish tank after ms oranda left us last year. and for the last few months, mr ranchu has been feeling unwell. he (i am assuming it is a he) has cataracts and his eyesight has been failing. i also noticed his swimming speed seemed to have slowed down and he was somewhat lethargic. as a result, whenever i throw food pallets into the tank, mr ranchu would rise up slowly to the water surface and just gulp and gulp and gulp randomly. if he is lucky, one or two of the pallets will go into his mouth, else he will be eating air! haha...

ok, i have digressed... what happened was that the tank had this layer of algae and i decided to give it a scrub last evening. as i did not intend to change the water, i simply used a cloth and wiped the internal surface. mr ranchu, in his lazy self, swam to the corner as i did the cleaning. once i was done, i proceeded to waster the filer and topped up the tank with water. some hours later, as i was about to sleep, i thought i'd take a look at mr ranchu and feed him. hmmm... i saw him in a vertical position, head down. motionless. oops... mr ranchu had died, i thought and i decided to pick him up. when i inserted my hand to try to pick mr ranchu, i felt an electric current flow throw my hand. not a huge shot, but a light tingling sensation not dissimilar to that one feels when one go for acupuncture treatment.

my ranchu started swimming when he felt my touch. ooooh, my ranchu is still alive! hurray i thought. and that when when i noticed the floor around the tank was wet. in fact, when i looked around, i noticed water seeping out of the tank via the filter sponge that was dislodged inadvertently when i cleaned it earlier. and that was when i realized - mr ranchu had been, for the past few hours, subjected to an electrocution. horrors! to me, it was a light tingling sensation, but in perspective, mr ranchu is hundreds of times smaller than me and thus, it must have been a terrible experience for him! oh no! i looked closer and i noticed this - mr ranchu's scales were standing up! eeeeks! and till now, he is still swimming vertically and at times, upside down... wonder how long more he can last!

i am so sorry mr ranchu!

** after 2-3 days of staying still upside down, mr ranchu finally died peacefully today on the 8 oct. he left us when we were having our dinner at changi airport. 

sugar daddy 2

someone commented in one of my earlier post about dreaming for a sugar daddy. his comment reminded me of a post i did almost exactly 4 years back. i still recall clearly that guy who approached me to be his sugar daddy was an arts faculty nus student. small built, probably no more than 1.60m (or less), skinny, fair and has a headful of longish yet ruffled hair. very untidy look. well, i think i had made my feelings and thoughts about the idea of people who wants sugar daddies clear in that post. but yes, it is indeed a very attractive and sexy thought - someone who dotes on you, who buys stuff for you, who spends like no body business on you...

but... (as in everything good, or too good to be true), the real world is not so straight forward. sugar daddies do exists. it is a sexy and appealing thought to have one. and the thought itself is like an addiction. you yearn for it. and as for sugar sons, they do not last long. and this is becos they wither and die. yes, they literally die of boredom, or depression as a result of the loss in dignity and a sense of self-worth. imagine this, someone buys you free things and often, in return, you become his sex slave... and like sugar, you melt and disappears... you totally lose your sense of self as a result. either that or people ostracize you...

worth it?

ps: i do have friends who have sugar daddies and most gave up. only one of them continued the relationship but in the end, he was so bored he started working and the relationship became more like that of a typical couple...

pps: i do want to make a point here that in the word sugar daddy, there is an emphasis on the word "sugar". it is different from having an interest in "daddies"... which i feel the motivation of the interest is in the "older man" and not in the self-centric outcome of "material well-being"... haha... 

ppps: ref the above pps, i also think the concept of "daddies" here does not necessarily equate to dilfs. for dilfs, the whole idea remains at the desire-level. that is, "i want to fuck" (but cannot or never get to fuck) or at most get to fuck but not into relationships. this is as opposed to people with real interests in daddies where these individuals can only get into lasting relationships with older men.  

picture from http://www.965thebuzz.com/

mum went "missing"

this is a belated post. it occurred yesterday. i should have sensed it but i did not... woke up in the morning, and mum told me she felt tired and did not want to head to the rehab. afterall, she had just been discharged from the hospital the day before. and she told me she had arranged for eldest sis (the one who refused to talk to me) to visit her with lunch and thus, i need not worry about her meals. she sounded convincing enough and i went to work. notwithstanding the fact the it was my last day at work, i had to attend a meeting to sort out some stuff in hq before i was able head back to my unit, which, as usual, there was a huge pile of stuff for me to sign and clear before i leave for good. after signing more than a hundred documents, i went about my final packing. gotta get all the remnants of my stuff surrendered before i did my clearance. in short, it was hectic. so much so that i forgot that mum did not call me at about 1130am, the usual time when she would tell me about her lunch. it was about 12.30pm as i was about to leave my office when i realized the delay and decided to call her.

perhaps she was talking to my sis and thus she did not call me, i told myself. there was no answer. i called again, and yet again, there was no answer. and i repeated the calls for some 5-6 times. i got worried. by that time, i was already on the ecp. i decided to head home to check on her. and as i passed by marine parade, she picked up the phone. she sounded like as tho she was panting. and she said she was bathing, and that was why she did not call me. i questioned further, and she said she was asleep in my sis place. i asked if she had lunch, and she said my sis brought her to the bedok south market for lunch. that was when all alarms went off. that market is currently under renovation! i got suspicious. i questioned further. and she said she was at my sis's friends' house. and the more i asked, the more inconsistent her answers got. and then someone in the background asked her "ah ma, why are you alone on the road? you can walk or not? don't fall down ok? how come you are alone?" when i heard this, i panicked. i called out to her, she didn't talk, in fact, she was speaking in some broken english with the lady who had just spoken with her. i managed to listen to the whole conversation as she had left her phone on.

my heart pumped fast as i decided to exit bedok and head towards my sis's place. i hung up and called her again. and yet again, she insisted she was at my sis's friends' place. and that the lady who spoke with her was my sis's friend. i insisted on talking to that lady. my mum refused and said the lady had left. and i told her i will report police. she didn't sound pleased. finally, she told me she was at the bright hill temple in ang mo kio. i didn't really believe her and asked again, and now, she insisted she's at my sis's friends' place. i could hear people talking in the background and again, i told her to pass the phone to the lady who had spoken with her. mum relented. and i could hear her tell the lady to lie to me that she is at my sis's friends place.

"hello" a lady's voice rang.  "who are you and where is this place?" i asked, sounding a little alarmed. "i am victoria" she answered. "who are you and where is this place? why is my mum with you?" i asked, sounding a little angry. "oh, is the lady your mum? wait, wait, let me walk away from her..." she said. "hi, are you the son? we are at bright hill temple and she's alone. your mum told me to tell you i am your sis's friend. but i am a buddhist and i cannot lie..." she went on... "i have just called a cab for her, can you give me your address, i will help direct the cab to your house."... i gave her the necessary details, and she said "oh, please don't scold her when you see her ok? do go down to the lobby to wait for her..." i assured her i will not scold my mum, thanked her and hung up...

mum came home eventually. to her, she didn't want to trouble me as she said i have to work. sighs... good intentions no doubt, but certainly, it caused a whole lot of panicking amongst me, my sis and my brother-in-law...

what a way to end the week, and my career with my company.

dilf

dilf, a term i recently learned that means "dads i'd like to fuck". and i think it is quite interesting that there is such a term. cos invariably, it suggests that the term was coined by a person who has an interest to have sex with a straight/ bisexual married man/ men who presumably has kids (true to the definition of "dad"). and i believe this acronym has been bastardized/ now generally used to refer to a younger person who has this interest to wanna have sex with an older man/ men.

whatever the definition is, it has kinda heightened my awareness of and to link the whole idea of sex with fathers/ married men. and this concept rang through my head as i had dinner with mum at the singapore expo yesterday. there was an event for the sale of baby stuff. and lo and behold, there were just that many many many married couples with prams, babies, kids and what have yous there! and even though my dinner place was a good distance away from the retail areas, i was superbly irritated by a whole army of screaming kids and doting parents. even as a kid lover (no, not in a pedo sense), i was going aiyoh, such spoilt kids, slap you then you know... i supposed it was made worst by the fact that i see parents not ticking off their kids and teaching them correct values and choosing to instead not see the mistakes and bad behaviour of their kids!

and while most of the daddies seemed to look like they are in their 20s-30s, none of them look attractive to me! in fact, all of them looked and behaved like they have either been sucked dry of their energies, irritated, grumpy, fat, unhealthy, trapped, or simply, resigned. hmmm, i sound a little mean here right? then again, it was the end of the week and i supposed they were really tired...

but ya... the whole concept or idea of dilf did not exist at that moment.

:-)

ps: the opposite term is milf (mums i'd like to fuck)... then again, with my background in security studies, up till last week, milf refers to moro-islamic liberation front - a muslim separatist group fighting in the island of mindanao in the philippines... hahaha...

picture from http://morethantoast.org

social escorts

was at orchard road today, and as i walked a lady with a stack of flyers in her hand rushed to me and reached out to me with one of the flyers. must be one of those restaurants, i thought. thank you, i said. and i walked along. when i took a look, i almost laughed out loud... for the first time in my life (or to my memory), someone actually pass me a social escort flyer. haha...

my immediate thoughts was - the lady must be blind. come on, much as i do not believe previously, i am now almost convinced (after bee and many people told me) that one look at my mannerism, people will know i am gay. hahaha... this was indeed a very contrasting experience compared to my trip to shanghai with bee sometime back. what happened then was, as we walked along nanjing east street (the shopping belt), i was approached by no less than 4-5 men. their opening line were - xian sheng, yao bu yao xiao jie? and when i said no, their immediate response was - xian sheng, yao bu yau xian sheng? haha... i was so sure they had wanted to ask me about whether i want a xian sheng but decided to play safe first by asking if i wanted xiao jie... 

bee always tease me about being a tout-magnet cos everytime we head to town or for tours, or simply places where there are touts (even at the local heartland hawker centers), our mr touts always come to me to peddle their stuff... arggghhhh... do i really have that chee koh pek face? or do i look like some millionaire father whereas bee is my son?

chey...

final farewell

today is my last day at work. and i bought 100 roses and managed to give minimally a dozen pink roses for all my female staff. well, as to why it i chose pink, well, i did not. my staff did. in fact, i drove 2 of them to the florist and they chose the colour cos they thought it looked good. and when i took it back to office, the whole office smelled of roses! nice! and it turned out to be the perfect choice. all of the other female staff liked it a lot. and i got a little emotional when my admin supervisor started crying just as i walked about to wish everyone farewell... 2 years, 4 months and 7 days. very eventful indeed. but steep learning curve and thankfully, a lot of support from all my staff. felt sad to leave, but to preserve my sanity and dignity, i have to.

a final closure to one more chapter of my life.

ps: i did i google and found out that pink represents appreciation, thanks and gratitude. very appropriate too!

jack'd

funnily, i noticed a lot of people in jack'd are 23 years old. and of cos, as to be expected, many of them looked more like 32 years old. then again, in this semi-closeted world, one cannot believe what another reflect in his profile. there are just that many lies out there. lies that are meant to either mislead or to protect... whatever...

and oh, there is a specific character that is very persistent. keeps sending me messages asking me to be friend, to meet for coffee, for tea, for fun, for ltr, etc... and even gave me his number. after i got his first message, i thought hmmm quite interesting. i ignored. not me to respond to anyone usually. and i have jack'd cos my main purpose is to kaypoh around to see who are the x-men around me. and then i got a second message 2 weeks later. almost the same sentence but with more details... and i thought wa, he remembers... again, i ignored. and then after one more week, aka today, i got a repeat mail from the same person. hmmm... the first thought that came through my mind was aiyoh, this person is desperate la... again... 

i ignored.

as a boss

as a boss, one must always remember - it is not a crime to be free. and when you yourself are free, have the discipline not to disturb your staff. but if your backside is itchy and you really cannot leave them alone, then go coach them. or else, go take a break and give them space to do what they need to do. and if your staff are also free, then go and drink coffee and chat with them... 

:-)

dilbert

interestingly, after about 2-3 weeks of correspondence, i found out that my pen pal friend and i had worked in the same unit, but at different time. also, he belonged to the same field as me when he was in the unit. and to top it off, his boss during his ns days now works for me in my company. call that coincidence... the lion city is just too freaking small...

wow!

kancheong doctor

my mum got hospitalized again today. i brought her in to check her knees cos it was painful, a result of a fall she had last thursday, as well as her non-stop cough. also, her legs has been showing signs of swell lately. interestingly, the doctor at the a&e who saw her was more kancheong than me. he almost freaked out when he saw her condition. i, on the other hand, was not too excited cos to me, her part breathless condition was kinda normal cos she has always been like that... 

anyway, he quickly got the nurses to neb her and send her in to the critical care unit. and he injected her with some medication to help her pee. apparently, after some questioning, mum admitted she had been drinking lots of water and her body was totally overloaded with water. that caused her legs and hands to swell, and the swelling, i suspect, made her very sensitive. and that was why she had been complaining of painful legs and hands. well, the other reasons why the doctor panicked was becos he was afraid her heart would collapse.

even before he completed checking her in details, he was already telling me - ward her, i need to ward her immediately... and he kept repeating it i felt kinda awkward. to me, a doctor was supposed to keep calm, and to maintain his composure so that he can project the image of confidence to family members. somehow, his kancheongness wasn't too assuring and i can imagine myself freaking out if i were the kancheong-type too.

haha...

discount

well, i got my repaired phone back. and the shop owner gave me a discount. 10 bucks... hmmm, not too bad. and he also gave me the screen protector free. and he did so becos he felt apologetic as he did not manage to get the whole screen protector fully pasted. 

well, i am certainly not complaining. this is good service!

:-)

top? bottom?

a friend took a look at the youtube video i posted and say oh, he looked like a typical bottom... 

question is:  can we really identify a top/ bottom just by looking? 

my personal thoughts is that for some perhaps, but for some it is so very difficult. and if you noticed, i used "perhaps" cos we can never be too sure, i for once, know some people who are very effeminate but from conversation, i could only conclude that in bed, they are the dominant ones. and conversely, we have very alpha-male looking people who are known receivers when it comes to sex (i am tempted to use the muscle mary example, but then again, we have "top" muscle marys). can be oh so confusing right? haha! it thus goes back to the whole issue of permutations. role preference in bed cannot be equated to how effeminate one is.

crazy naked man

was at the pool earlier and went to take a bathe after i was done with my sunning. there were some 5-6 people in the shower room and so as usual, i headed to the 2nd last cubicle. this is the so called standard one that i usually use cos it is rather private as it is half hidden from the common areas where people change. as i headed into the cubicle, i also noted the the last most corner cubicle was occupied. ahhh... that was the usual cubicle where many gay men end up having sex in... and i wondered who was inside. heh heh...

i walked into the cubicle (the second last), stripped off my trunks, hanged it up together with my towel and started showering. as per most people showering, i had left my door open to allow me to look at my bag on the bench. and halfway through my shower, a man shouted into my cubicle. ooi! why! you not happy izzit! with water flowing into my eyes, i turned my head and i saw this totally dark skinned indian person. perhaps about in his mid-30s. average built, not fat and neither was he skinny. he was standing right at my cubicle door. and he was stark naked. and man was really furious... he stared into my cubicle and screamed out loud - why! you not happy is it? (he repeated) why must come and disturb me? you are chinese right? and i know you are not happy with me! i am indian and all you chinese like to disturb me!... all you chinese the same, everyone like to disturb me!... and he rattled on and on and on... repeating the same thing.

he shouted real loud. at that immediate moment, i wanted to ask him what was the issue? since when did i disturb him? and if by using the cubicle next to his was interpreted as disturbing him, then the issue is him and not me! and to say that i, as a chinese, bullied him, i felt insulted. i am, and we singaporeans are, so racially aware, sensitive and respect each other's culture. but i refrained. didn't want to aggravate an already very agitated person. i continued with my shower. i reckoned it was not a good idea to respond. especially not when i was as naked as he was and it would be really ugly to have a naked person come into the cubicle to assault me, another naked person, different race, notwithstanding. and so i ignored him.

this person then walked around the whole shower area in his full birthday suit, and continued with his allegations of chinese bullying him, an indian boy (yup, he used the word "boy")... i had, by then, concluded that that man was mad. completely unsound mentally. i continued my shower and just as i was about done, he arrived back at my cubicle door and continued shouting at me as he blocked my exit. damned, i was actually a little frighten by then. when he stepped away, i quickly collected my toiletries, my trunks and walked into the changing area. he followed suit, and continued screaming. everyone turned, looked at him, and simply ignored him. it was one of those occasions where i knew everyone was with me. and when eventually no one responded to him, he went back to his cubicle and continued his shower.

i regained my confidence. changed up, and quickly left. 

what a weird encounter!

ps: for an indian, i must say he was totally totally under-endowed! hahaha... then again, in my frightened state of mind, there was not a single thought of anything erotic! i just wanted to run off as fast as i can!