the reason why i inserted the word (ex) before the word brother was the fact that he had acknowledged yesterday that he does not regard me as a brother anymore. anyway, what happened yesterday was that, after receiving a letter from the police about nuisance calls to 999 from my home phone, i smsed my brother to help me talk to my dad. in my sms, i indicated that i am at my wits end and that i have given up advising him already.
my brother's replies took me by surprised - he went something like - how can you give up on your parents? you treat your friend well and you give up on your parents. and he went on about how i should treat my family better, how siblings are the only ones i can trust, how friends are only after my money and stuff and so on... his following strings of sms went to the extend of threatening to come to my house to `sort it out with me', and that i had better own up if i am gay and that everyone already knows about it and that he would announce to the world about it and that i need to seek psychiatric help and so on and so forth. it was most unexpected. and all these hostility started from his wrong interpretation of my two words - given up. nonetheless, being a hard header person that he is, once he gets angry, there is no more reasoning possible.
my responses to each and every sms of his was very controlled although i was visibly upset by his hostile responses and chiding me for things not related to what i am asking him to help. then again, i told him to dissociate my purpose of asking for his assistance to my sexuality and told him that if he feels comfortable telling `the whole world' i am gay, he should go ahead for i am pretty fine with it. it was ironic that despite telling me that my siblings are the only ones i can rely on, he had outrightly not helped me.
his smses kept coming, strong, fast and furious and each one laced with all sorts of allegations about how i have failed as a brother and how he has changed and that he is not the person he used to be etc... and how it is no big deal to him that (in his words) he do not see me as his brother anymore and that i should stop contacting him further. i guessed all the years of pent up anger came through the sms yesterday. all his inferiority complex, all his insecurities, everything!
the whole sms episode occurred as i was standing at my house car park and i just stood there frozen. by the end of this string of smses, i was visibly upset and decided not to head upstairs to my house. so i started my car and drive off - not knowing where to go. by then, bee bee was already with me. and he decided to buy me a good dinner at prego to cheer me up (works all the time!)
reflecting on the whole issue during my drive to town, i kinda conclude that if there is one single thing that came out of this unpleasant episode was that i came out to my brother. at least i do not need to pretend he does not know anymore. the fact that he does not want to acknowledge me as a brother anymore is quite immaterial to me for we do not talk often in our lives and that we have lived separately since 10 years ago. it's a state of mind kinda thing if you know what i mean. so, if it helps him move on and better manage his life with the knowledge that he had severed ties with me, so be it. it does not change the price of anything. afterall, we each have our own lives to lead. i also do not blame him for his perception of me for he sees and know me through me dad's eyes for the last many years. and i can only imagine all the sorts of stuff my dad had told him given that he always interpret my advises as restrictions. well, so be it. my conscience is clear.
as long as he is happy. i know i am.
by the way, why does this thing happen now after all these years?... the `year of the rat' curse for horses like me? heh heh... so, it helps to see things from the bright side i guess :-)
my brother's replies took me by surprised - he went something like - how can you give up on your parents? you treat your friend well and you give up on your parents. and he went on about how i should treat my family better, how siblings are the only ones i can trust, how friends are only after my money and stuff and so on... his following strings of sms went to the extend of threatening to come to my house to `sort it out with me', and that i had better own up if i am gay and that everyone already knows about it and that he would announce to the world about it and that i need to seek psychiatric help and so on and so forth. it was most unexpected. and all these hostility started from his wrong interpretation of my two words - given up. nonetheless, being a hard header person that he is, once he gets angry, there is no more reasoning possible.
my responses to each and every sms of his was very controlled although i was visibly upset by his hostile responses and chiding me for things not related to what i am asking him to help. then again, i told him to dissociate my purpose of asking for his assistance to my sexuality and told him that if he feels comfortable telling `the whole world' i am gay, he should go ahead for i am pretty fine with it. it was ironic that despite telling me that my siblings are the only ones i can rely on, he had outrightly not helped me.
his smses kept coming, strong, fast and furious and each one laced with all sorts of allegations about how i have failed as a brother and how he has changed and that he is not the person he used to be etc... and how it is no big deal to him that (in his words) he do not see me as his brother anymore and that i should stop contacting him further. i guessed all the years of pent up anger came through the sms yesterday. all his inferiority complex, all his insecurities, everything!
the whole sms episode occurred as i was standing at my house car park and i just stood there frozen. by the end of this string of smses, i was visibly upset and decided not to head upstairs to my house. so i started my car and drive off - not knowing where to go. by then, bee bee was already with me. and he decided to buy me a good dinner at prego to cheer me up (works all the time!)
reflecting on the whole issue during my drive to town, i kinda conclude that if there is one single thing that came out of this unpleasant episode was that i came out to my brother. at least i do not need to pretend he does not know anymore. the fact that he does not want to acknowledge me as a brother anymore is quite immaterial to me for we do not talk often in our lives and that we have lived separately since 10 years ago. it's a state of mind kinda thing if you know what i mean. so, if it helps him move on and better manage his life with the knowledge that he had severed ties with me, so be it. it does not change the price of anything. afterall, we each have our own lives to lead. i also do not blame him for his perception of me for he sees and know me through me dad's eyes for the last many years. and i can only imagine all the sorts of stuff my dad had told him given that he always interpret my advises as restrictions. well, so be it. my conscience is clear.
as long as he is happy. i know i am.
by the way, why does this thing happen now after all these years?... the `year of the rat' curse for horses like me? heh heh... so, it helps to see things from the bright side i guess :-)
2 comments:
*hugs*
thanks. it's been 3 years and my dad has passed away since. as of today, my bro has somewhat accepted things and we are on ok terms.
:-)
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