hong kong

i am off to hong kong...

back this sunday.

happy

this is a way belated post. but i was reminded of it when i saw it played at the shopping center earlier. and naturally, i started singing. such an uplifting song!

:-)

suicide squad

a lot of things went through my mind as i watched this show. and here're some of them...

• there are no bad people, there are just people who sees things differently and behave differently.

• every person has his/ her own stories. you just have to make the effort to listen to them and understand their side of the story.

• inside every person, and regardless of how bad they are, there are always something good.

• regardless of what shit we go through in life, there're people who had experienced worst. we just have to see things positively and learn to let go.

and on a less serious note:

• witches always do this weird contortionist dance movements when they cast big time ghost-buster-like spells. and for some similar phenomena, these spells always involve big lightning looking streaks of energy that destroys cars, buildings, space satellites, etc.

• witches are very clever people (if they are human in the first place). they can originate from deep antiquity but once they resurrect in modern times, they can understand things like machines, computers, etc...

ok, shall stop here. it's a nice and entertaining movie. and the best part of it was the inclusion of many 70s/80s hits. found myself singing along whenever the songs come on. go watch it. marvel series has not failed me. yet.

pm's visit to white house

it had been almost 30 years since any singaporean pm was invited to the white house for a state dinner. felt proud to see the details being looked into, the pomp, the organisation, etc.

such an honour.

funeral incidents

i attended my aunts' funeral yesterday. it was a christian funeral. the proceedings were a lot less rowdy compared to, say, taoists funerals. it was interesting that many of the relatives were elderlies who (i suspect) were taoist and/ or tend to be a lot more traditional in showing grief and the way they send of the deceased. and without sounding too disrespectful, here're some of the things that made me feel a little awkward, at times a little irritated, or for that matter, funny.

at the crematorium, a service was held before the cremation proper. and amidst the whole solemn and quiet ambience, 2 elderly uncles (who were seated) at the back, started to get impatient, and started to share their thoughts about the funeral. and, speaking in hokkien, they spoke about buying 4d using the car number of the hearse, about the proceedings...

we were all standing in the viewing gallery awaiting for the coffin to be wheeled into the furnace. it was rather solemn and sad and there were quiet sobs. if this were a taoist funeral, people (especially the elderly) would already be screaming and shouting. such gestures used to be taken as a reflection of how close the person was to the deceased, and in the case of children, a sign of filial piety. traditionally, people would also wish the deceased a good journey. but as i said, this was a christian funeral and the pastor had iterated many times that my aunt had returned to the kingdom of god, and that she was in the arms of the lord, etc. and so, there we were, waiting at the gallery quietly, solemnly and there were a few sniffs and sobs. and in the background, some soft music were playing. and soon, the coffin came in... by that time, one of the elderly uncle could not take it anymore and shouted out... "好走!" (have a safe journey). he words broke the silence and almost immediately, all the elderly aunties standing in front broke into wails... one of the elderly auntie even wailed until she almost fainted... 

it was an awkward feeling for me. i was caught between being emotional and feeling tickled. my cousins and their children, i believed, felt the same. 

explosion...

i was watching the rio olympics opening ceremony and for some reasons my mind lots of thoughts went through my mind. here're a few of them...

fireworks

o.. m.. g.. one day, they'll ban fireworks at such gatherings!

and my mind screamed this out when i looked at things objectively and thought - wow, looking at the fireworks, didn't anyone realised there was a whole lot (lots, lots and lots) of explosives embedded and placed all over the stadium. and it would be so terribly scary if the person sitting behind the controls were some crazy maniac or worst still, terrorists, that decide to just blow things up at the wrong time. 

am i just being paranoid?

here's another...

hmmm... the amount of monies being burned. these monies could have been put to better use to help the society (esp rio). 

it's utterly vulgar, right?

size...

the grandeur of the event, the scale, colours, patterns... 

every individuals are nothing but just little pawns, puppets, digits, etc. such are the games of "big" powers, politics... 

no?

ok, just some olympics rants.

death visits again... and again...

got news from my second cousin (our dads are cousins, i.e., we share the same great grandfather) that his mum passed away on monday. attended the wake last evening. funeral's gonna be tomorrow. and just an hour ago, a maternal-side cousin informed me that my mum's second elder brother had passed away...

to put in perspective, i have passed through the age where my peers get married, and another stage where many gave births... and at this time, this is the stage where our parents and their siblings are passing away, and our next generation are getting married. soon enough, it would be our turn to take our leave.

as of today, on my dad's side, two of his sisters (not including his cousins) are still alive. as for my mum's side, this is the last uncle. have not included their spouses, but even if i were to include them, there would not be many around too. well... just have to go through this stage and walk the journey with my cousins.

"ah hia"

"ah hia" mean "elder brother" in hokkien. it is a respectable term, a term that we would teach our kids to use when they address their elder male siblings. we would also use this term to address strangers, often older than us, and with whom we have to interact. but this morning, it sounded so wrong and so weird when a mature uncle, probably in his 50s, addressed me "ah hia". it only meant one thing - i am way way way over the hill!

hahah...

reviewing my insurance policies

i had some time to think through things given recent developments and decided to call my insurance agent to review some of my policies. i think it is high time to reprioritise some things. 

for a start, i want to reduce all the death-related benefits. previously, i had kept these as i wanted to make sure that if i should die before my parents, they would be taken care of. but now, given their demise, i would be able to rebalance my priorities to keep my quality of life when i am alive instead. put simply, my insurance policies should focus on allowing me to take care of myself and ensure i have a reasonable quality of life as i age. i don't have any children so i do not need to focus on death benefits to ensure the livelihood of people surviving me. there are none.

with this clarity of thought, my conversation with my agent became rather interesting. for the first time, i was able to quite objectively share the very foreseeable number of years that i think i still have and chart out some possible financial planning thoughts with her. i will likely die at 72 or latest by 75 years old, i said. i was almost too confident about it. and with me being 50 years old this year, planning for 20-25 years ahead seemed pretty easy.... by 55, no more liabilities, technically can retire (by which i mean, work for the joy of it and not for my financial liabilities), by 60, withdraw my pensioners'  benefits, by 65, downgrade to smaller house...  etc etc etc... and when i can divide my life into 5-year blocks, things became pretty straightforward. 

it seemed quite clear to me at this stage of my life, in a very positive way. of cos, the last thing i need to do is to draw up a will to state who/ which charity should benefit should i eventually pass on. i will do that another time. one step at a time.

developments at work

things at work seemed pretty mundane, in a bad way. the word i would use to describe the mood at work now is - uncomfortable disquiet - despite the frequent rowdy outburst of laughters and chatters, that, in my view, were very forced, false, superficial and unreal.

for me personally, i am just keeping a low profile. many things are happening and i have not been kept informed of them by my boss (the new person that i report to). i learn of the developments from third parties through my hearsay and interactions with people i used to work with previously. as for the department head who previously said wanted to keep me looped within the department management team, things were not to be. there was absolutely no communications between us and since the physical integration of both business entities 2 months back. we had not spoken more than 2 sentences. and for the few emails that were exchanged, they were all rather curt and, at times, abrasive. 

so i am now in the tell-me-what-to-do-and-i'll-do mode now. for that matter, that is the attitude for lots of my colleagues from the other departments. the new set-up that is headed by many from the other entity seemed to adopt the "if it's not told to you, don't be a smart alec and do things based on your initiative" approach. many who had offered their suggestions and thoughts when faced with issues, would be viewed as being defensive and uncooperative and ended up being told off. in the end, lots of people just kept quiet. it's actually quite sad to see this happening cos i had seen how much potential they had when we worked together previously. 

as of today, i am already starting to see people resigning. slowly and surely, i can expect the rate of resignations to pick up. i myself will move on once i get a new job.

maid leaving

the maid has informed my brother of her intention to leave this coming dec. this was 2 months earlier than what she had previously shared with me in confidence. and as for why dec, it was because she wanted to commemorate the first anniversary of my mum's passing before leaving. that's nice of her, i thought.

nonetheless, i wasn't surprise to hear this news from her as she's unhappy working with my brother. i understand that he would at times chide her for correcting my niece when she (my niece) did wrong and he would say things like "i am not like my brother, you work for me, you listen to me...". it's regretful when such things happen cos it meant his views about the maid was somewhat shaped by the fact that she had previously worked for me. he continued to see her as pro-me or worst, comparing him with me. but i know this maid, she is a person who would share her views quite openly and that is something that my brother cannot take. he sees such behaviour as insubordination and take them as personal attacks. and given his anger management issue, things would just turn ugly.

anyway, technically, the maid is still mine cos her name is still registered under my residence and i continue to pay her her salary. i understand that he had decided not to transfer her name to his residence (and becoming the rightful employer) because she had indicated she intend to return home by year end. 

maid visit

my maid visited me last weekend. she wanted to drop by to say hello and to see how i have been managing at home. so sweet of her right? it was also thoughtful of her to come with a packet of cashew nuts, knowing that i love cashew nuts. 

anyway, i was a little sad from her sharing. you see, since i stopped talking to my brother 3-4 months back, i had dropped by his place and placed the letters for the maid at their door. and she told me that my brother had chided her for it (doh!) and asked her to relay the message to me that he didn't like me being near his residence and that he wants me to stop dropping things at his doorstep. moving ahead, the maid will come to my house to collect mails, if any, during her off days.

as for my niece and nephew, they have constantly been asking for me but my brother would scold him when they do so. he would also add that if they want to see me, they should leave the house. wtf, saying such things to a 5 and 3 year old kid! and to top it off, he would tell them that i didn't like them and have abandoned them. my niece has learned to not talk about me in front of him although she still asks for me (to my maid). as for my nephew, he would ask the maid if she would be visiting me and if she could bring him along... made me feel sad to learn of this.

as for the house, i learned that he intends to sell his current house and take over my parent's house legally (the one that i refused to take over). but instead of moving into the house, he intend to rent it out illegally whilst he rent another place to stay. the reasons, i understand from the maid, is that he wanted to earn the rental and, at the same time, avoid the neighbours, whom he could not get along with. she told me he intended to move in only when the kids grew up cos by that time, all the neighbours would have died and he need not see them anymore. what a warp reason... notwithstanding the fact that it would be illegal to rent out the house in full. he also told her that he will not give his new address nor contact number to anyone (of us, his siblings) nor close family friends (including the ones that had been going to his place regularly to take care and teach his kids) cos he considers all of us bad people.

well it's his life and i do not want to partake in any of it. i can only say that this is the same trend that i have observe in his whole life. cutting people off and accusing people of being bad while the root cause of the problem was he himself. but well, that's for him to manage. 

walking... more walking

i suffered a bad back on 4 jul, and to manage the pain, i resorted to walking (and at times jogging) an average of about 14,000 - 15,000 steps per day. the pain significantly reduced when i walked. but after the exercise, and when my body had rested, i will have problems transitioning between standing and sitting, and between sitting and lying down. the aches and pains at the lower back and hips would be so bad i'd simply revert back to my previous position. the only thing that kept me going was the thought that these exercises will force my back and hip joints to move and in doing so, will strengthen the muscles over time. so far, it seemed to work. the backache seemed to have lessen progressively over the course of the last 3-4 weeks. 

as of today, i am able to lie down, sit, stand and bend forward slightly without only slight aches and pains at my back and hips that last no more than 10-15 seconds. so, its almost back to normal for me as it stands. and the silver lining of the whole back sprain and exercising is that it also helped me slim down, not to mentioned, i got to be treated by the other superbly cute chiropractor as my regular had to travel for business. i intend to keep this walking routine going ahead. it's low impact (compared to jogging) and the strain on my knees are not as bad. and let's see how things go, i just might take up swimming again.

star trek beyond

watched the movie over the weekend. found it extra meaningful given the deliberate attempts to make connections back to the original cast. very appropriate given that it coincided with the 50th anniversary of star trek. i particularly liked the small details such as spock holding a photo of the original cast as he made reference to the passing of leonard nemoy (who played the original spock), and how they honoured george takei, the original actor who played hikaru sulu (su) by making the character gay. nice!

of fuck buddies & sugar daddies

bromance, fuck buddies, sex partners, partners, boyfriend, friends with benefits, acquaintances, mr right, mr almost right, mr right now, sugar daddy/ son, godfather/ son, etc etc etc...

all the terms that can be used to describe the relationship between two persons. but whichever term one uses, one must make sure the opposite party knows exactly what one means. otherwise, it will be very confusing. and it didn't do good for the fact that many are careless with their choice of words these days, deliberately or otherwise. and i came to this conclusion after i see these terms being used (rather frivolously) in the social media and apps such as grindr, jack'd, etc. it is very regretful and i see this trending especially amongst singaporeans aged early-30s and below. the following are just examples of what i mean:

example 1:

someone in grindr: you stay alone?

me: yes, on weekdays. on weekends, my partner stays over.

someone in grindr: oh, i thought you are into bromance...

huh? how do i even respond to such a reply. what has "bromance" got to do with staying alone? and what has "bromance" got to do with this conversation thread. it looked like we were on different frequencies altogether. i suspect there was a disconnect somewhere. and after a long silence on my part, i got a reply that sounded like that...

someone in grindr: i thought you wanted to play me.

double huh! i thought you initiated this conversation? and since when i even talked about playing, much less "you"!? hmmm, weren't there just too much assumptions on your part?

me: well no, i am in here purely because i was curious who's gay around me and to chat/ befriend if there is one whom i can connect.

anyway... ok, here's another example.

example 2:

someone in the grindr: seek?

me: friend to chat, you?

someone in the grindr: sugar daddy

me: erm, please explain.

someone in grindr: haha... don't know how to la...

me: ok, do you mean someone to buy you stuff and pamper you, in exchange for sexual favors? or do you mean someone mature whom you can look up to as a role model, for guidance, for support (not just materially).

someone in the grindr: errrrrrr... think it's the second meaning...

hmmm... what a world of difference right? if it is the first, then this person would be no different from that of a term-rent boy and/ or selling his sexual services aka prostitution? and if this is the case, i will not have any good impression of him cos it simply meant he is materialistic, and has no backbones. anyway, in this day and age, the possibility of misunderstanding someone is really high, considering the amount of things that are left unsaid when one uses the social media/ sms/ whatsapp/ line/ wechat/ etc to communicate. and this is made worst by frivolous use of words. and when i experience such people in such apps, i do often end up sounding very unfriendly. 

macritchie reservoir

have done my walks around the macritchie reservoir over the weekends and there were a few things i noted that i felt were not right...

• people throwing rubbish on the forest floor. i saw tissue paper, mosquito repellent patch covers, plastic bags, food containers, etc. thankfully there were no many, although every piece of rubbish is a piece too many.

• parents pulling out canisters of mosquito repellant and spraying their kids all over so much so that the whole forest trail smelled of the insect repellent for tens of meters after they walk.

• people pasting mosquito repellent patches all over their body and didn't pick them up after the patches drop as they walked.

• people talking loudly, like as though they were in the market. and the people guilty of this are aunties, foreigners (prcs [there're just loads of them!], french, americans, etc).

• people walking with their radio at full blast. and i have heard english, chinese, tamil, etc songs as i walked. 

• parents walking their toddlers on strollers and carrying babies in their arms! wtf! all things being equal, i think there should be some basic safety considerations for the kids.

• people walking in the forest with umbrellas! 'nuf said. doh!

• people feeding wild lives, especially macaques! these macaques feed off the forest trees and fruits and play and important role in dispersing the seeds. by feeding them, they get spoilt and will learn to rely on humans for food. long term damage to the forest ecosystem!

• and many more...

the following are what i thought one should do while walking through the forest...

• appreciate the coolness of the internal micro-environment. frequently, one can actually experience a cold gust of breeze. it's very refreshing!

• enjoy the sounds of nature. you get sounds of birds, cicadas, crickets, all sorts of insects or for the matter, just trees swaying in the breeze. it's really therapeutic.

• being at peace with nature. to simply savour what nature provides - the coolness, the heat, the rain etc.

• savour the occasional encounters with wild animals, insects and what have yous... macaques, butterflies, birds, monitor lizards, etc.

• and while you are at it, enjoy the occasional nice lean bods that run pass you...

temple visits

visited a few temples over the last few days. first, it was the 四马路观音庙 (wateloo street guan yin temple), then it was the 光明山普觉禅诗 (bright hill buddhist temple, and finally the 城隍庙 (arumugam road cheng huang temple). went to the last one twice.

all these temples are special to me, especially the last two. and for reasons unknown, when i knelt down at the bright hill temple, i felt so overwhelmed my tears just flowed. perhaps i had felt stressed and cornered in recent times. but it felt really good to just let the tears flow.

anyway, the last few days of mc had been very restful and it allowed me to just blank off. i do not look forward to going back to work and i do not feel a sense of connection with my work anymore. but it is something i will need to continue to do as i continue to hunt for jobs. it's not a good idea to resign without a job although many a times, i really felt like doing so.

hard on...

i've been having lotsa very weird dreams lately, many of which i cannot recall when i wake up. but there was this one particular dream that i remembered - it was about someone who showed me his hard on... ok, other details i cannot recall. it was kinda weird, cos in the dream, there was this faceless person, and he was wearing a pair of purple trunks. and for some reasons (that i cannot recall), the trunks was pulled down and the person showed me his hard on. that was all i remembered of the dream. hmmm... haha...

and yes, i have been able to sleep very well lately. and i think this was because i do not have any major responsibilities at work now and with this development, all stress disappeared.

donating my back massager

i donated my back spinal support cushion to the elderly rehab center this morning - the one that my late mum attended. decided that the elderly patients there would benefit it more than myself. the last time i visited them was to make a donation in memory of my mum the week after my mum's funeral. it had been almost 8 months and the rawness of her demise was no longer there. every one at the center recognised me and greeted me happily, as they accepted this massager gratefully. felt good to be able to interact with them, although it was for that short moment.

precious mineral water

a small bottle of chilled mineral water may mean nothing to many of us. but to someone who earned little and had to save every cent to send back to his family, such a bottle of mineral water would be a luxury. and it was with this thought that i decided i would get a bangladeshi worker a bottle yesterday to cheer him up.

you see, i had gone to the coffee shop to buy lunch after my cardio appointment yesterday. and after i parked my car, i made my way down the stairs and i came across this bangladeshi labourer sitting on the floor and patching a crack on the wall by the stairwell door. he was so engrossed in patching the crack that he didn't see me approaching. and when i uttered "excuse me", he looked up, a little shock, quickly opened the stairwell door for me and apologised to me for blocking my way. i simply smiled at him, thanked him and proceeded to the coffee shop downstairs. i have always felt thankful to these workers for doing all these little things. things that didn't seemed important, but when put together, made a huge difference to our quality of life.

i decided i should get the bottle of chilled water for him. it felt right, it was a warm day and a chilled bottle of water would be just nice. he was totally surprised when i passed it to him and he accepted it with a broad smile. as i drove off, he stood up and waved goodbye to me, his face grinning broadly, his set of white teeth against his dark complexion was such a huge contrast. his broad smile made my day.

:-)

peeing blood

since the eswl procedure, i had been peeing blood and stone fragments. the kidney (that had been zapped) continued to feel achy. i am currently on antibiotics and given till the end of the week to rest. frankly, i was torn between resting (which, to me, meant lying in bed) and walking. the former is to help the healing of the kidney and the latter is to help manage my back sprain/ ache. in the end, i decided to walk (within my comfort level) and lie down when at home. listen to the body, i told myself. be careful with food intake, balance between resting and exercising and drink lots of water.

walk, walk, walk

ever since i twisted my back last tuesday, i had been doing lots of walking. along east coast, around macritchie reservoir, etc. in fact, my average steps per day increased from about 8-9000 per day to more than 14,000. it was something i needed to do in order to manage the back muscle spasm and it has been a week of good walking. and yesterday, i managed to clock 30,000 steps (equivalent of a half-marathon distance - 21.1km). i had not planned for it other than deciding to take a bus to somewhere faraway for dinner and walk home from there.

(for the record, my journey home started from geylang serai, through haig road, katong shopping center, chinese swimming club, parkway parade, along the whole stretch of east coast park by the beach - starting from parkway parade to nsrcc near changi airport, tanah merah golf course, cross ecp, around changi business park, around sutd, before reaching home... lotsa deep breathing, at times half-meditating, enjoying the moment mindfully and at times singing as i walked, just enjoying the sea breeze)

heart's confirmed ok

i went for my final review with the cardiologist yesterday and was given a clean bill of health (for the heart). all's good to go and there's no requirement to return. but if at any one time, you feel the tightening of your chest again and cannot breath, please call the ambulance ok? the doctor said. 

and with this, i was discharged.

eswl - kidney stones

i went for the eswl procedure to remove the kidney stones 2 days ago.

to recap, 2 kidneys stones were found in my right kidney after i underwent the ct scan last month and i agreed to the doctor's suggestion to have them removed. and to manage my fear of the pain (as experienced in my previous eswl procedure) and hopefully to allow me a better eswl experience this time round, the doctor told me he would administer painkillers before the procedure. and so, with this assurance, i agreed to proceed with it.

time passed fast and i soon found myself walking into the ward for the procedure 2 days ago. everything was smoothly done - registration, admission, allocation of the bed, inserting the plug (ouch!), administering the painkiller, etc. and before i knew it, i was wheeled into the room where the dreaded machine was located (in the radiology department). the radiographer and a doctor (i think) was on site to locate the stone and that was when i was told - mr sim, one of the stone had moved. it is now about 2 (spinal) disc space down into the ureter. the other is still in the kidney. this didn't sound good to me. wtf. does it mean i will have to be zapped twice? i asked.  yes, the doctor said. we will try to break the one in the ureter first and see if we can go for the one in the kidney after that. it will not make sense to target the one in the kidney first cos the fragments will be blocked by the one in the ureter. we'll see how, you might have to come back a second time for the one located in the kidney if the one in the ureter takes a longer time than expected... 

my mind didn't register anything after this last sentence. wtf, wtf, wtf... have to come back again!? it would be nightmare all over again. and this was certainly not what i had bargained for, i thought. in my mind, the excruciating painful experience came back and it dreaded me to have to do this all over again. arghhh... anyway, a staff came in and plugged me to a machine (containing the sedative) and i was given the control to administer the sedative. press it if you cannot stand the pain, she said and left. and the procedure started soon. the all-so-familiar snapping sound of rubber band followed by the piercing sensation on my skin started. i winced at the first snap but got used to it quickly. for some reasons, this time round, the pain that swell inside the body did not occur. the snapping and zapping continued for about 20min and i was still waiting for the excruciating pain to start when the machine stopped. we have cleared the one in the ureter, the radiographer said, much to my pleasant surprise. we'll go for the one in the kidney now... 

before long, and after readjusting the machine, the zapping started again... and whooooooohhh, the whole sensation of pain that swell from inside the body started about 5 minutes into the procedure. i began to have cold sweat and i started wincing. when i finally decided i could not take the pain any further, i pressed onto the control. sedative, sedative, my mind went. whether it was administered or not, i didn't know. all i knew was that i was going through hell, and my eyes kept looking at the timer that was ticking. a minute later, i pressed onto the sedative control again. and again. and again... i didn't care if there was a timer that controlled the administration of the sedative, all i wanted was to relieve myself of the pain. the 5-10minutes seemed to last forever before the pain began to subside. i was sweating profusely by then. 

i was totally spend when the procedure ended and i was wheeled back to the ward. i was given a jug of water. you need to drink as much as you can and pee, before we can discharge you, the nurse said. obediently, i down everything and before long, i needed to pee. i made my way to the toilet and i was half afraid to see what i peed out. the last time i did the eswl, it was pure thick blood that came out and i almost freaked out. i looked up when i felt the piss coming out and it was after a split second before i looked into the toilet bowl. this time round, it was bloodied urine that i discharged and not pure blood. hmmm... and certainly, i felt a wee bit of sandy sensation as i peed. yup, that must be the broken fragments of the stones, i told myself.

i was discharged soon and given hospitalisation leave till the end of the week. i am now resting at home and i have been drinking like a buffalo for the last 2 days. certainly felt good to be rid of kidney stones. the review will be in mid-sep. hopefully, i'll be given an all clear and there's no requirement to head back again.

alice through the looking glass

watched this show over the weekend and despite some negative reviews, i actually thought it was rather nice and entertaining. such beautiful colours and make ups (although frankly, i was a little overwhelmed by johnny depp's face). the show had so many twists and turns, made especially so with the whole concept of time travel, that it made it the show very fun and exciting to watch. it was certainly a treat to be able to watch the young (and younger) characters of the show as alice made her way back in time, again and again. and yes, one thing came across clearly - that whatever you do, you can never change the past... well, at least that was the case for alice. shan't write further, go watch. and don't fall asleep. you need to be fully awake to follow the show.

:-)

repricing

time flies. my 2-year lock in period for my home loan is almost up and it is time to do a repricing. have asked for a quote. and i have also made a partial pre-payment to bring down the loan amount. in the current volatile market, it made sense to commit cash to clear some outstanding loan instead of investing them. avoiding interest payments is, in a way, the same as investments and certainly less stressful than committing them into investments. 

aim to clear my home loan liability by the time i hit 55 years old, if not earlier.

disappointment?

been 3 weeks since the interview with the top person of the mnc and just when i thought a job offer's gonna come, the headhuner called. we are so sorry... everyone is pushing for you, but the big boss has asked to look for someone local (from his country). so, please give them a little more time to try to convince the big boss. and when i asked for the reasons why the sudden change in mind, the headhunter couldn't answer. but i was assured tbat it was not becos of me. hmmm...

frankly, after being turned down by 3 big companies previously, i have learned to calibrate my expectations. so for this one, it looked like i have to wait a little longer. and as my ex-boss shared, this probably gave me an insight into the decision-making process of the company - just as i had been pre-empted by my friends before.

but well, i am not gonna let this hold me up. will continue to look for and apply other jobs. 

craziness

so many unthinkable things happened in the recent few weeks. so much so that i think the world is going crazy... here's just a few of them (not in chronological order):

• gorilla got killed after "playing" with kid in the states. damned the parents who didn't keep a close watch on the child. they should be the ones to be blamed in the first place. poor gorilla. 

• newly-appointed president encouraging killing of (alleged) drug pushers in philippines. and the latest i read was that it is getting out of control. wtf.

• politicians who championed "exit" but resigned almost immediately after brexit in uk. it's no different to stirring shit and run away (and yeah, i even read about trump entertaining the idea of not taking up the post if, a big if, he wins the election).

• child drowned after being dragged into water by crocodile in orlando. sad case. but once again, why did the parents allow the child to enter the water in the evening in the first place. very sad case.

• mother (and boyfriend) tortured 2-year old son to death in singapore. incomprehensible. reading about the things they did to the child made me feel so totally sick in the stomach.

• (closeted gay) man stormed and kill 49 and injured 53 in orlando. too many theories about why the man did what he did, but certainly, this is really outrageous.

• ailing king underwent op to drain water off his brain in bangkok. poor king has been sick for quite a few years. do really pray that he can recover. he is an old person and i dread the day i will have to say goodbye to him (even though he is not my king). he is one elder that many in the region deeply respects, not just in thailand.

• black sniper sniped 5 white policemen in the states. wtf, right?

• terrorist throwing grenades in kuala lumpur. first case of is-motivated attack in malaysia. too close to home.

• bombings at sacred sites in the holy land. so much for branding themselves are jihadists, fighting for islam. these are terrorists/ murderers who know no respects for islam. 

• crazy president launching missiles in prk. he is obese. he is insecure. he models himself after his grandfather. he removes and kills people whom he feels is in his way. crazy alright.

• son raped biological mother in singapore. what????!!! he's no different from an animal!

• father raped step-daughter in singapore. what what???!!! another person who's no different from an animal.

• white policeman kill black in dallas. too many of such incidents. someone need to stop this. 

• violent clashes in france. football mania? overzealous fans? to me, it is just pure hooliganism. period.

• bank robbery in singapore. a first after 2 decades. and to think the caucasian suspect only got away with $30,000. he must be crazy not to take more! heh... 

• train bombing in taipei. for some reasons, people like to bomb trains... well in singapore, news about trains have never about such incidents. think our security has been tight so far. here, to get trains into the headlines, no one need to do anything, the trains breakdown by itself.

• brexit. the name itself is crazy enough.

and these are just some of the headlines over the last month.

crazy right?

flu-???

i had a back sprain yesterday and visited the clinic. during registration, the counter assistant asked if i was allergic to any medication, to which i answered "fluvoxamine". instantly, she asked again "what?" and i repeated it... minutes later, my number was called and i entered the consultation room. the doctor greeted me and the first question he asked, looking a little confused, was: how come you are allergic to flu vaccines?

haha...

the legend of tarzan

it's actually quite funny to watch tarzan and jane dance and have sex. haha... i am still giggling in my head as i type this. you see, as a practice, i would post the trailers of movies i've watched in this blog and it was no different this time round. but when i cheekily googled for "naked tarzan", quite a few links appeared. there were bollywood versions where tarzan and jane sang hindi songs, danced around trees (what else right?) and frolicked by the beach - the indian jane wearing bright red flowing gown (!!!) while the tarzan donned his loin cloths! haha... and of course, there were porn versions and yours truly here decided to check them out too. and as to be expected, there were lots of sex scenes. but what tickled me most was the scene the depicted tarzan saving jane, who had apparently gone unconscious from a fall, and how he sniffed and explored her body. very animalistic (as to be expected) and very funny, to a large part, due to the stiff (no pun intended) acting. then again, almost all porn actors cannot act. and of cos, as in all porn, the porn-tarzan was superbly well-endowed and the porn-jane was such a cock-hungry person ("slut" would be a better word although it sounded downright crude)... ok, i am drifting away from my post.

well, i watched the show on friday night. it was indeed an entertaining show. the lead actor who played tarzan, alexander skarsgårdand, played the role very well. and the storyline stuck quite close to that as depicted by edgar rice burroughs, at least for the early years of tarzan. overall, i enjoyed the show and how it depicted tartan's relationship with the people of congo as well as the jungle and its inhabitants and, more specifically, his ape brothers. thought the cgi effects were rather well done too. as for the brick backs, there were many but hey, let's not dwell too much on these. it's a show and is meant to entertain right? and oh, since i spoke about how well endowed the porn tarzan was, in comparison, the tarzan in the show seemed rather... erm... emasculated. he was obviously freeballing but there was just simply no faint sign of any bulge down there. darned, my gay-side talking again. haha... ok, that'll be another discussion altogether. 

ps: porn-tarzan and porn-jane sounded almost thai... haha

scenic evening run

went for an evening run by the marina bay earlier and took these photos. always enjoy the marina bay scenery, especially during sunset. 

enjoy!

urinary system not ok

the stone in the left kidney was discharged on the 4 jun but i continued to experience bloodied urine 17-19 jun. the ct scan revealed 2 stones in the right kidney.

the urologist couldn't explain the second bloodied urine but ruled out stones and calcification of the blood vessels in the lower bladder as the cause. in the end, he said it could possibly be a case of urinary tract infection and will just leave it as it is and observe. the stone (that was discharged) had been send for further test to confirm the nature and composition of it. hopefully it will shed light and provide me clarity about any possible diet restrictions moving ahead.

as for the 2 stones in the right kidney, i took the urologist's suggestion to have them removed. have opted for the eswl (short wave) treatment and it will be done on the 12 jul. decided against waiting for another 3-6 months or more to observe as the only thing that can happen to the stone is to grow larger. added to this, i might be required to work overseas if my job application is successful.

had done the eswl before and it was really painful. was offered another option of inserting the scope/ clipper to break the stone via the penis. this would be done under ga but in the end, opted for the eswl after the urologist assured me it will be less painful that the last and that he will give me stronger painkillers. he also assured me he will be on site to boost the painkiller (to the point of almost knocking me out) if i cannot take the pain.

looking forward to be stone-free again.

heart's ok

completed the series of tests (treadmill, holter, 2d echo) for the heart and the findings, based on the staff who conducted the tests, suggest the heart is in good condition. that is to say, there are no enlargement, muscles seemed to be fine and working well, rhythm ok, etc.

will await the consultation with the specialist to give his views.

:-)

twitching left eye

bad omen? or just too tired?

finding dory

watched this show last night. it was a nice show, but towards the end, it got a little draggy. admittedly, i wondered when it will end... it was an entertaining show nonetheless.

:-)

independence day: resurgence

the critical part of me couldn't help but question how an alien community travelled the universe to earth, tried to suck the hell out of the core, fight with human over a small white ball, and finally got destroyed by human beings. proportion of time and space didn't seemed to make sense. also, the show celebrated unabashedly how smart humans (think they) are - being able to read alien languages, fly alien spaceships, etc etc etc.

and oh, i found it interesting to note that the first person to die in the whole show was the character played by a singaporean actor. and the first city to be destroyed by the alien was also a singaporean landmark. lol! and of cos, without being too critical, i think the producers need to be a little more accurate about the details if they want to bring out the authenticity of the cities being destroyed. and i say that cos, for the singaporean street scenes, we have chinese taxis and china-chinese speaking people being depicted.

(the highlight of cos was the superbly cute lead actor, although admittedly, i kept thinking of his brother whenever i looked at him)

then again, its only a movie. let's not take it too serious. it was a rather entertaining show, i must say.

heh heh...

warcraft: the beginning

watched this when i was in taiwan with bee recently. have always been a fan of such shows and enjoyed it much. of cos, the only thing that kept ringing in my mind as i watch the show was - how the hell did they eat with such huge lower incisors! heh... of cos, that would be another topic all on its own.

holter test

yup, that's me. all wired up. this is called the holter's test. the thing being stuck onto my body is the holter's monitor. am being hooked up to do a 24-hour ecg in an attempt to check for any irregular rhythm of the heart. will also be doing the scan tomorrow to see if i have any enlarged heart, damaged heart tissues, etc...

but for now, with me being all wired up, i cannot shower. and to keep myself dry, i try not to do anything that will make me perspire. well, it is not as uncomfortable as it looked. maybe just a little itchy due to the plaster. otherwise, it's really ok. but of cos, with all the wires running around, doesn't it make me look like a suicide bomber?

lol!

auntie in toilet

i was at the hospital earlier for a medical procedure and while waiting for my turn, i felt the urge to pee.

i went to the toilet (unisex) and as i pushed the door, i was shocked to see an auntie inside. she let out loud scream when she saw me and it struck me right away that auntie didn't lock the door! instinctively, i said to her, loudly, "auntie, you never lock the door!" needed to do that before she accused me of anything! thankfully, auntie was fully clothed. i quickly closed the door and entered the adjacent toilet, which was a toilet for the disabled.

it was a good thing that there was no further commotion and i proceeded to pee. as i did so, i couldn't help but noticed the sounds of non-stop locking and unlocking of the next toilet's door (where auntie was in). it went on for quite a while and it got me a little curious. when i walked out of the toilet, the locking and unlocking of the door was still going on. added to that, i also noticed the door being pushed open and closed as the locking and unlocking went on. auntie was clearly trying very hard to lock the door and testing if the door could be opened when locked.

poor auntie, she probably didn't know that all hospital toilet doors could be opened from inside without unlocking (auto-unlock). the traumatized auntie must have felt totally helpless, thinking that door could not be locked... anyway, i walked away as fast as i could. and to prevent auntie from being further embarrassed, i decided to head to the canteen and spend some time there before returning to the clinic. i can still vividly recall her "wtf, wth, omfg" face when i opened the door...

lol!

my last 2 weeks - very positive

it's been a while since i posted anything here. had been really busy and drained past 2 weekends with commitments such as hosting an overseas friend and made a trip to taiwan. thus, i'll make this a summary post of the key things that happened over the last 2 weeks. overall, i'd say things were really exciting and picking up, and it was positive on all fronts (or at least that was how i chose to see things). and frankly, for a brief period, i didn't want to blog anything for fear that it might just stop the momentum of the pick up... heh... ok, here goes...

bee
we made a short trip to taipei over the last weekend. didn't do much except to walk, shop, eat, watched movie and just idle through the weekend. it was not exactly a restful one give the frequent very long walks, but it certainly was a good break. and yeah, he said i snored like crazy these days when i slept, confirming my suspicions that my frequent sleep disruption was due to my breathing. will write more in the next para.

health

in this area, apart from confirming my snoring/ breathing issues, i also completed the ct scan of my kidneys. but the key highlight for my health these two weeks was the fact that the kidney stone came out! it occurred 2 weekends ago after some drinks at the hotel lounge. i went to pee at the hotel toilet and felt a sharp pain. i kinda suspected it was due to the stone. and once i reached home, it came out as i peed again. it was huge! larger than the stone i peed out some years back. and with the ejection of the stone, everything slowly cleared off... the backaches, the frequent pains at the kidney areas, etc. it all disappeared. so, yeah, this was a really good highlight for me in the last two weeks, health-wise.

work/ professional development

some 2 months back, a headhunter company contacted me with the intent to convince me to consider an opportunity with an mnc. i wasn't too keen on it but decided to meet the headhunter nonetheless. and with the change in position titling and the increasingly toxic environment at my workplace, this opportunity became something that could be an escape route for me. but as i spoke more with the company, my interest picked up and with further encouragement from my lady ex-boss, i had, as of today, gone for 6 rounds of interviews - the final one with the chairperson of the company. things look somewhat positive and hopefully i can get some good news in the coming days. so, yeah, this is the highlight for me, work-wise. then again, i am trying hard to manage my expectations here given the many similar occurrences previously that did not materialise eventually. keeping my fingers crossed nonetheless. wish me luck...

colleagues

my crazy colleagues had been organising quite a few dinner gatherings and karaoke sessions and i joined them for a couple of them. they were rather fun and brightened up many of my evenings. i guessed the fact that the recent shift of everyone to the new office, and the decentralisation of the departments made everyone miss each other. whatever the case, it was good to meet up and just go crazy. as for my previous team (before we reorganised), i brought them out for the good dinner as my way of thanking them for their hardwork and support. thought they enjoyed the dinner thoroughly.

friends
a friend of mine from overseas visited singapore and i hosted him over 4-5 days at the start of the month. brought him to the zoo, went shopping at orchard road, visited the temple, ate at different places, etc... enjoyed his company but man, it was really tiring to go to all the different places in singapore over such a short time. that was partly why i didn't blog at the start of the month. heh...

so... yeah, as you can see, every front was positive. of cos, all these happened as i shifted office, the company got merged with another, new department head got bitchy and nitpicked things i did, new boss that despite being somewhat cordial, hasn't gotten used to having me in the team, colleagues that were not too friendly yet, etc etc etc... but well, i have decided to just ignore all these. i can't change them, so just accept them and go with the flow. this, perhaps is the good thing for being in a lower position. i'll just continue to keep focused on the good things, and be positive.

will try to expand some of the things above in the coming posts... if i can find the motivation and the energy.

:-)

reflecting mid-2016

it's mid-2016 and i think it is a useful time to consolidate what i had set out since the start of the year. here's a quick one.

personal life

> increase my focus to enrich my personal life and invest in more quality me-time

i have given myself the space-out time, i have given myself the space to do what i wanted to do and i have stretched my boundaries, but i remained aimless and it was, and still is, eating into me. this was made worst by the passing of sapphie. as of now, and together with work-related issues, things have to a point where i suffer insomnia and along with it comes all sorts of health issues. i need to find a sense of direction in my life again. 

bee

> do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the pass years

it will take both hands to clap and i think there are more work to be done in this area.

sapphie

> continue to take good care of her

i use red for this para as sapphie passed away 22 march 2016 and thus bring an abrupt end to this guide for the year. her passing was another blow to my life just about 4 months after mum left me. it was especially bad for me as she left me when i was overseas. i have not gotten used to her absence as yet.

family

> nurture my niece and nephew

similar to the above, i used red for this para as i consider this a closed chapter. for now, at least. it is a deliberate decision to stop all interactions with my brother due to the toxicity of the relationship. and with this comes the natural end to the possibilities of interacting and ability to influence the growing of my beloved niece and nephew. so this becomes another loss to me.

relatives

> put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family

i have yet to fully fulfil this aspect of my life although i must say i have increased the efforts to interact with them. 

health

> live healthily

i have not been able to achieve this given the constant sickness over the pass few months. my health took a nosedive over the last month with 2 visits to the a&e department for chest tightness and kidney stones. my colleague suggested to me that my health issues were to a large part psychosomatic and i tend to agree with her. so this is one area i need to really work on. let's hope this goes away soon.

work/ professional development

> get a new job, move to a new company

frankly, i had almost wanted to give up looking for a job when the transport company told me they will not be pursuing my candidacy. but given the recent developments in my workplace, i have renewed my job search process and i really hope to be able to move to a new company soon. perhaps this will also help clear my health issues? heh...

friends

> build and strengthen the relationships amongst my circle of friends, and if possible, expand my network of friends

this perhaps is one of the positive aspects for me this year. at work, there are a lot of positive development and my colleagues are getting rather close to me. also outside, there are also a little more interactions with people around me.

bloggers/ blogging

> continue to blog

yup, i have continued to blog. but i must say this - the motivation level had dropped and i do often end up blogging only on weekends. nonetheless, i see this as a temporary downtime cos blogging is something i believe i will continue to do.

may 2016, pushing new boundaries

this has been a really life defining month for me.

and i am not talking about the announcement at work or the 2 visits to the a&e this month, which by itself was a first for me in my life too. but really, i was in a self-destructive mood this month and had done things that were way beyond what i would usually deemed right by normal standards. i do not intend to write what i had done here. so... yes, i will just leave it as it is. will i do what i did again in future, i cannot guarantee i won't, but for now, i can only say it is not my normal self to do what i did. and as to why i did those things, i supposed i felt neglected, i felt depressed, i felt aimless and i just wanted an escape. but i did not regret doing them. it was an experience by itself and i was conscious about how wrong it was such that i continued to control myself even as i pushed beyond my boundaries during the whole experience. frankly, if i had not controlled myself, i could have possibly lost myself and died in the process. ok, shall just leave things here. 

so... yeah, i have yet again experience something new. 

my urologist review

i went for my urologist review today.

did the x-ray before the check up and yes, the stone showed up. the stone that was seen in the left kidney last year had dislodged and moved down towards the bladder. as for the stone in the right kidney, it was still there and had not moved. the doctor arranged for a ct scan to be done on 15 jun to determine the exact location of the stone and the size. 

interestingly, apart from the stone, i also noticed a few other white spots in the bladder. the doctor mentioned that they were most likely calcification of the blood vessels in the bladder and there was nothing to be too concerned about. in my mind, i was wondering if they were cancerous polyps. then again, i didn't ask further.

i left the hospital with a few painkillers and as in previous occasions, tamsulosin tablets. these are supposed to help relax the ureter and aid the kidney stones' movement. hopefully this will help the stone dislodge from its current location and be expelled out of the body by the time i head to the next review on the 27 jun. let's see how it goes. for now, even as i type this entry, i can feel the bad ache developing.

my weekend hk getaway

well, the getaway came and went in a flash. here're the blow-by-blow account of my trip.

had insomnia again on friday night. fell asleep only at about 1.45am. woke up at 3.45am and dragged myself to the airport. my flight was at 6am and i needed to check in at 4am. it was an uneventful flight and i arrived at hong kong about slightly past 10am. i think it was the prolonged sitting cos the areas where i had my kidney stones started aching badly. struggled my way out of the plane and when i went to the airport arrival hall toilet to pee. there were lots of blood. well, i kinda expected it. drank some water before hopping onto the airport express. it was close to 11am when i left the airport.

made my way to mongkok, had my lunch and then checked in to the hotel slightly after half-past 12 noon. the room would only be available at 2pm and i simply sat at the hotel lounge where i surfed the net and checked out guys in the apps i had in my phone - grindr, jackd, hornet, planet romeo... the people around me were exactly the same people i saw when i did a check on the area from singapore. checking guys in these apps for updates can be rather addictive, especially when you are at a new place. i also posted my face pic onto the apps, as was my usual practice when i go overseas. then again, it was kinda disappointing when nobody texted me. have i lost my market value? haha... the truth hurts and i was simply asking for it. 

anyway, i got my room, took a shower, pee some more bloodied urine and decided to take a nap. when i woke up it was already evening and it was raining badly. thunderstorm, as forecasted by the weatherman. i slept again. woke up late evening when the rain got a little lighter and headed off for dinner at a small local eatery opposite my hotel. beef fried rice. thought beef would help replenish the iron i had lost through the day. and after that, it was straight to the sauna. it was only about 7pm and it was already rather crowded. i didn't stay long and left about 2 hours later. shan't go into details but let's just say, lots of things can happen in 2 hours. came back to the room at about 9.30pm and watched x-men on tv, a rerun of the first class. the show ended slightly after midnight. that was how i spend my first day in hong kong. for a long time since god knows when, i slept deeply that night.

woke up late on sunday and decided to just laze in bed. surfed the net for porn and more porn. and checked my gay apps again. this time round, there were quite a few messages. all looking for fun. many said they like what they see (my face) and asked my for my body pic. and when i send it to them, they either ignored or blocked me. wtf. hahaha... and for that one or two that seemed rather a good catch and wanted to meet up, i didn't go further than thank them for their interest and told them i needed to check out soon. frankly, i wasn't in the mood for it, not after the visit to the sauna. so the whole morning was just spent lazing in bed until check out time at 12noon. i had 5 hours to waste before i need to check in and decided to head to lantau island to visit the giant tian tan buddha and the po lin temple. it was a good visit despite the fact that the whole mountain was covered with fog. visiting the temple always calms me down and i needed it. met an american filipino lady and her mother and guided them around the area.

left the place close to 3pm and arrived at the airport at about 5pm. and in the train en route to the airport, i realised i had purchased the return ticket on the wrong day. i had bought the ticket for a flight on saturday instead of sunday. damned. it meant i was a no-show case the day before. i had no choice but to purchase a one-way ticket home. thankfully, i managed to get it. the flight back to singapore was a lot more manageable cos i knew the crew and spend more than half the time chatting with them. reached back home safely by about 11pm. end of sunday, day two.

in all, it was a simple lazy trip, just as i had wanted. 

:-)

hong kong trip

i have just booked a ticket to hong kong. this will be my third trip to hong kong in as many months.

will be there over the weekend. decided against staying in singapore. needed the break again after these recent horrible developments at work and my health. told myself that i should give myself this break cos i can also expect my travel benefits to be revoked soon. also, bee is not around and i don't want to spend my weekend in singapore alone. and screw the possibility of the kidney stone moving. at most, i'll stay in my hotel and sleep my way through. i'll bring along my painkillers nonetheless.

so yeah... my flight will be tomorrow morning 6am. and i return sunday late evening. in time to sleep and prepare for my monday work.

:-)

the angry birds movie

frankly, i am not an angry birds fan. have never found them entertaining nor cute too... but last night, i decided to catch the movie. bee had gone to bangkok for business trip once again and this time round, he will be there until next tuesday. have always disliked his business trips cos for some reasons, his trips are always announced last minute and his gay bosses like to start their business trip on either thursday or friday and come back on monday or tuesday. i assume that this way, they can play and work at the same time. and whatever he goes away, he becomes uncontactable and i hardly get any news from him. and that's not how family members treat one another. family members keep each other informed of their whereabouts. anyway, since he is away, i'd make the best of my time.

back to the angry birds. yup, i've never been a fan of angry birds. but i decided to proceed to catch the movie. it was nonetheless entertaining although most of the time, i felt the producers were trying too hard. still, it helped kill some of my time and made me sufficiently tired and sleep soundly when i returned. so i guessed this said a lot about how much i liked the movie. heh heh... but really, if you have a lot of time and don't know what to do with it, and don't mind some idiotic brainless entertainment, go watch this show. am sure you'll enjoy it.

diamonds are forever...

woke up with an acute stabbing pain on my left abdominal area two days ago and headed to the gp for an assessment. was diagnosed to have acute intestinal cramps and reflux. given a jab and some medication to relax the intestinal cramps as well as some medication to manage the reflux. was also given a day mc to rest at home. 

the pain did not subside but got worst and i started peeing blood and experiencing chills. the colour of my urine was rusty initially and a while later, turned bright red. clearly, there was internal bleeding in the urinary tract. darned, my next medical review with the urologist will only occur august and thus, i decided to moved it forward. thankfully there was a slot this coming monday. once done, i decided to head to the hospital a&e department. i needed to get some relieve for the pain and looking at the intensity of the colour of the urine, i got a little worried. at the hospital, the triage nurse asked me to collect a urine sample but i couldn't. there was just no urine. it took a while, but eventually i felt the urge to pee. the urine that i collected was rather clear by then, although the redness was still very obvious. when i showed it to the doctor, he didn't even bother to send it for further test. instead, he told me to just discharge it - there was really nothing further to test when the colour so clearly showed the presence of blood. i was given another jab to manage the pain and the doctor extended my mc to 3 days as he expected the kidney stones to continue to move in the coming days. i was also given several other medication including antibiotics in case my urinary tract gets infected.

it's been two days and although the urine seemed clear for now, there are still occasions where internal bleeding still occurred. and i concluded so cos of the presence of rust-coloured urine. sighs... looks like another painful period for me....

vesak day

this year's vesak was no different from previous years. once again, i shaved my head, went on vegetarian diet, did the 3-step-1-bow ritual, etc. i think i've gotten used to the whole thing such that the 15 days of vegetarianism and the rituals came and went without too much hassle. for that matter, my colleagues have gotten used to my annual routines. and i said so becos when i went to office bald, one of them simply said "oh, it's that time of the year again huh?"... heh. but for those new staff, they stared at me like as though i was some marsian...

then again, there's one thing i did differently - my approach to the practice. in previous years, i was rather strict about observing things such as not doing or eating certain things. and it sometimes caused me some form of discomfort. i got by by convincing myself that it's part of discipline and cultivation requires discipline. this year, i was not so attached to it and just went with the flow. told myself not to be too attached to the actions and that as long as i was aware of things, it should be ok. and that went rather well.

as an example, i attended a wake of a friend's mother and they do not serve vegetarian food. my friend felt a little bad despite me telling her that i'll make do with desserts. she went on to take some custard puffs, and served me instead. i didn't push back but accepted the offer and ate them thankfully. if this was last year, i'd reject the puffs. the puffs contained eggs and i do not take eggs nor egg-products when i observe vegetarianism. so... yeah, my approach this year was - practice mindfully but don't be too dogmatic about it. use it to guide but don't be attached to it unnecessarily.

happy belated vesak to one and all. may all sentient beings be well.

x-men: apocalypse

caught the show last thursday night. it made a good break for me after the horrible announcement of the company restructure. frankly, i contemplated not heading to work on friday. was totally not in the mood to work. anyway, this show provided me the escape i needed, even if it was for the short moment.

it was an immensely entertaining show and it was really good to be able to escape to a world where people (mutants) has the power to do powerful stuff. this show also helped me connect missing pieces of previous shows and gave the additional depth to the few key characters of x-men, such as how storm has white hair, how prof xavier turned bald, how magneto turned bad, etc... and wow, jean grey never fail to impress! wow wow wow!

good show, should go watch.

:-)

putting up a front

i was an emotional wretched following the announcement of the changes in the org structure and that my title will be downgraded to that of a manager-grade staff. some of the reasons that made me so unhappy include:

• the person that i'll be reporting to is junior to me in terms of duration with company, age and experience. for that matter, when he first joined the sister company, the hod (who is now the new entity hod) asked me to help guide him along.

• a manager-grade staff in my department was promoted to senior manager. he was the person whom i had clashed with last year. he was a junior executive when i joined my company and he was promoted from junior executive to manager within the 3 years i was with my company. i had supported his promotion previously. with this change, in terms of positional title and seniority, he will now be above me.

• the people that were "promoted" as part of this integration (in particular, the above) have been my current boss' favourite persons or existing manager-grade staff of the sister company. i therefore assumed (rightly or otherwise) that my boss had played a role in negotiating who should be given the chance to take the lead role as part of this integration. i took it that he did not and had not bothered to negotiate for me to assume the lead position. 

• this review and announcement of the structure came at a time where we received our annual bonus payout and increment. i was once again told that i have been overpaid, underworked and thus cannot justify for an increment that commensurate national wage guidelines. and when i queried further, he simply said - i have tried to fight for you but this was top man's decision. i did not take his feedback too well as he had previously loaded with another colleague's work based on the same input - i.e. overpaid, underworked - and through the year after i took on this additional port folio, i had made immense improvements and changes to the areas i was loaded with. and the results showed.

amidst all these, when i returned to the office during my hospitalisation leave for the townhall, my boss did not talk to me. when i went to knock on his door to inform him i was back, he simply asked if i had been told of the details. i was not aware that i would be downgraded and had answered him "no". he kept quiet and left things as it was. with the announcement finally made, and the new hod telling me that her mind is fixed, i thought it would be useless to confront my boss. i simply ignore him. he is not worth my respect anymore. with the one plus year i had worked with him, i was clear he wouldn't help me. i can only expect him to say "i tried". interestingly, my staff (the one that my boss brought in and that i had all along seen him as my boss's eyes and ears on the ground) asked to speak with me about the integration. he talked about his displeasure of the restructure and how the sister company would be dictating most of the ways ahead. i had to counsel him about this integration despite my own unhappiness. but what's interesting was that he shared about how good my boss was and that i should be appreciative of him. he went on to add that i had misunderstood him, yadda yadda yadda. i didn't want to pursue the topic further. 

amidst all these developments that didn't go down well with me, i started getting messages from my colleagues from other department asking if i was ok, given the unfair treatment. i had to simply smile and tow the organisational line that our position titles need to be reviewed and aligned to the new organisation. admittedly, i was highly emotional after the announcement on thursday. with the few days behind me, i asked if my reaction to this downgrading was justified. my reflections are:

• it was my emotions that controlled me. was i justified to feel this way? perhaps. it was a natural reaction given that it was the direct hit on my ego. i felt humiliated, un-valued, and victimised. and objectively speaking, i believed things could have been better managed - from the review of the organisation structure to managing employees' feelings.

• a position title is a position title. i was emotional for the fact that favouritism seemed to have played a huge role in this review of structure and placement of staff. although i reconciled and acknowledged that relationship considerations would be needed to ensure smooth transition and organisational stability.

• there is a lack of trust between my new hod and i. and it is not unexpected. it only mean i need to work doubly, triply hard to gain her trust. but my issue now is - this whole process will be very tiring and painful considering the amount of efforts i had put on over the last 3 years to get the company to where it is today, and now i have to throw away everything and start things all over again.

it was interesting and apt for a fact that when i was at the temple to do the vesak day rites, i was reminded that desires and attachments translate to suffering and i must learn to let it go if i want to be happy. my attachment to titles and my attachment to my "face" had caused me all the sufferings. my reactions was a result of my ego and i need to let it go. objectively speaking and as reminded by some friends - smaller job scope, but same pay - so take it positively and move forward bravely. whatever the case may be, i need to ensure the transition process is smooth in the coming weeks/ months.

as far as i am concerned, my boss had failed me and now simply shirk away all the issues. in this integration, he has asked to be transferred to integration project office. with this development, he is no longer my boss and i have stopped asking him for directions. i am also very much aware that this current structure is not realistic nor sustainable, particularly from the internal equity point of view. in this regard, i can only expect to be asked to leave sooner or later. thus, i need to re-start my job search process. objectively speaking, it would be more important to invest my energies in my job search and in organisations that value me and where i can contribute better in the longer run rather than this new set-up. 

so... yeah, until the day i leave this company, i shall put up a strong front and do what i needed to do. be professional about it and make sure the ball don't drop during this transition period.