tired of porn?

when some people asked me how do i occupy my time when bee is not around, i would tell them i do so by watching porn (sometimes i do, i admit). and they would ask me wah lao! don't get tired meh? porn so boring! so! do you think one can get tired of porn? from some of my friend's responses to my answer, i would say yes, one certainly can!

as for me... well, initially i disagree, how can one get tired of porn?! no way! but thinking about it deeper, i have to agree (yes, i do think about such seemingly trivial stuff too!). and i say so becos when i begin to think deeper about what thrills me when i watch porn, i concluded it was not the act. rather, it was the bodies and reactions of different individuals. frankly, when it comes to the act itself, there is just so much permutations and after a while, it does get boring. but when it comes to the body and the responses, woooo, every new person is a new body! and every new person behave and respond differently to the stimulus they were subjected to! and i certainly do not get tired of seeing different individuals in the production. it continues to thrill me.

what about you?

one more thing, when it comes to analysing how people watch porn, it begs the question - what do you focus on? the face? the body? the anatomy? or what... and who do you focus on? the giver or the reciever? the top or bottom? the 1 or 0? the male or female? the f-er or f-ee?... also, are you titillated by your senses (ie, the sights or the sounds) or the fantasies it gives you?

damned, i am thinking too much!

heh heh...

human waste

have anticipated it... saw it coming. and today, i finally have to manage it. more to come! it will get worst... i am prepared for it. but what i did not expect was - i also have to manage my dog! arghhhhh!!! just screamed at her! just when i was so damned busy doing the cleaning, she came along and started sniffing and licking the toilet floor! stupid dog!

i am so tired, so drained... totally no mood now. was thinking of doing my work tonight, but i am totally not in the right state of mind now.

but well, have to push on! push on!

are gays promiscuous?

i came across this topic in a gay forum website. i noted that at least 2 threads had been started for the question above. and interestingly, there were many arguments over this topic. it was a good discussion. many approached this question from the biological angle and argued that regardless of species, all males tend to want to sow their seeds. thus, it does not matter if it is human or animals, all males are highly sexual creatures. thus, sexuality is not the issue, both gays and straight men are equally promiscuous. some others approached the topic from a social angle where factors centering around whether peer pressure, pregnancies, etc where discussed. from this angle, gays are more promiscuous cos there is a higher frequency of sex between 2 men. as for straights, it is not a case where the men do not want sex, but rather, it is the women who refused to give the sex for fears of pregnancy. hmmm...

and as i read, i wondered - for those who tried to argue that both straights and gays have similar behaviours, did they make the claims based on facts, heresay or perception? as for the social angle of the discussion, if the women do not give the sex, it didn't mean straight men are any less likely to have sex right? promiscuity is a judgment of a person's behaviour as a result of his mind, not a function of being refused sex. personally, i think it is also important to ask ourselves whether the concept of promiscuity is clear to all. i think the act of sex cannot and should not be associated with the concept of prosmiscuity. one is a act and the other is a judgment based on norms and values. so the starting point in itself is very different. and to make things a little more complicated, social norms vary from society to society and community to community. and to mix the concepts of sex and prosmicuity together simply confuse the whole discussion. so, my take is that the question is wrong in the first place. what really is the question? i am not sure myself. if it is about the frequency of sex, then perhaps the question should be "do gay men have more sex than straight men? why?" makes the question clearer.

what do you think?

picture from: http://quipsnquills.com/wordpress/?p=10334

long walk

had a super duper long walk with mum today... we walked round the 3rd and 2nd floors of raffles city and then i decided to take her to marina bay sands. took us a whole 3 plus hours to do so and by the time i ended, i was dead tired. frankly, i never knew there were so many things that one can enjoy at marina bay sands. there were water fountain shows, fire shows, laser lights, etc... and set against the singapore skyline, it was really very nice! was certainly a very good trip!

:-)

one summer night

took me a long time to find this and i found it last year and had it posted in my facebook. i revisited this song today and found the original show where this song was played! wow! and to add to it, i even found the korean version! so now i know why the chelsea and ah bee sang this song to the koreans in the updated version! simply love it, regardless of the version!





and the korean version...



:-)

nobody

was surfing around songs of my secondary school days and remembered a song called "nobody". it was by sylvia. when i typed the title in youtube, the only "nobody" song that appeared was the recent korean version. hmmm... i was so convinced the song by sylvia was called "nobody". so i did another search and finally got it! yes! reminds me so much of my sec days when a group of 6 of us would study together, head out together on weekends, etc. such sweet memories!

:-)

seasons in the sun

one of the more memorable song of my childhood days. when i listen to it now, it somehow stir a weird sort of feeling in me. a sort of melancholic, sad yet somewhat sentimental feeling.

...

endure

suspicious mum

mum has behaved in a rather weird manner these last week or so. while i have accepted it as a norm that she was very suspicious of people, it was another thing altogether when she started behaving weird. you see, couple of days back, as i approached my main door, i noticed tissue paper sticking out of the peep hole. i pulled out the paper and asked mum if she had placed it in there. she replied yes and explained that she didn't want the maid to peep into the house, especially in the daytime when i was at work and not at home.

hmmm...

not hungry

it is rather funny cos these 2 days, mum said she is not hungry. and today, she even said she didn't want dinner. instead, she wanted to rest early. i wonder why and asked if she is ok. she said she felt full cos sis had given her buns for tea. still... it did not seemed right cos mum is the sort who seldom miss her meals.

hmmm... apart from the flu, i hope she is ok and that there is nothing more serious festering insider.

sighs

i lost my temper today with one specific individual in my company and i started this blog writing about my frustrations with this particular person. then i thought - why put myself through all this trouble and getting frustrated with such people. life is too short to be bothered about them. instead of getting frustrated with them, why not face up to them and address their issues, smile and then thank them for the opportunity to strengthen my patience in dealing with people.

and from that perspective, life is a lot more simple and easier to pass. and i certainly thank life for giving me such opportunities.

:-)

capitalism vs ethics

was surfing a gay forum site and came across this very interesting topic.

"cheap and effective cancer cure found but pharmaceutical bigwigs choose not to develop it for masses because not profitable." discuss.

so interesting right? such a serious topic in a gay forum certainly throws off people who stereotyped gay men as an immoral superficial hypersexed male gender... then again, there was only one response to this discussion thread. hmmm... hahaha!

:-)

buy rice

mum called me at my office at about lunch hour today. she sounded very glum and asked me: "can you ask your sis to buy me another pack of rice for lunch today?" i was taken aback at her request. my sis has not fail to provide her her lunches thus far! so i queried: "sure i will, but hasn't she bought you lunch?"... and mum replied: "ya, she did. she got me a packet of mixed vegetable rice... i opened it up, left on the table and went to the toilet, but when i returned, the rice was all gone, sapphie ate off every bit of it!"....

aiyoh! i tell you! i didn't know whether to laugh or cry! hahaha... anyway, in the end, i ended up having to rush home to buy her her lunch before rushing back to office for a meeting!

:-)

ps: sometimes, i laugh at myself for having to look after an old woman and an old dog at home. and both has issues that end up with a common outcome for me - i have to occasionally clean the piss off the floor of one who suffers from incontinence, while the other has the bad habit of pissing on the floor rug when she cannot hold on any longer... funny right? heh heh...

beautiful sunday

ya, i know it is the end of the sunday and i am supposed to be grouchy. but frankly, i am feeling a little perky now. and i thought there is nothing better than to listen to this very nice tune from my childhood days!

:-)

adventurous weekend

had a hectic weekend. and i think it is going to be the same type of weekends for many months ahead! you see, mum has come to the point where she looks towards weekends cos that would be the only times in the week where i would bring her out. and that was what we did over the last 2 days.

yesterday, we brought mum out for breakfast and lunch at her usual places. but it was not the breakfast or lunch that matter, rather, it was the fact that mum got to leave the house. she certainly enjoyed it and was chatty through the whole period outside. and for dinner, we brought mum to turf city where we had indonesian food. after that, we went to changi airport and walked through all the 3 terminals... it was a long tiring day!

it was almost the same today. breakfast was done outside, and for lunch, i was a little tired and got bee to buy lunch home. at about 4-ish, mum suggested going out for a walk before dinner and that was what we did. i had initially wanted to bring her to the beach for a stroll, but she resisted. she felt it was not right to head to the beach today (peak of the hungry ghost festival month). so in the end, we went to bedok where we strolled through a large part of bedok interchange/ central area. after that, i drove her to suntec where we ate the steamboat at the basement. man, you should have seen how mum wallop the dishes... she ate faster than i could cook! but of cos, i gave her a huge dose of vegetables and protein-based food. after that, we walked around suntec. as we passed by the fountain of wealth, i told her how people walking around the fountain were doing so for wealth and fortune. she quickly dismissed these people as superstitious and that suggestions of getting wealth and fortunes were all nonsensical... hahaha... typical response from her when she doesn't believe in things. after about an hour of walking, she wanted to head home. she said i must be tired and needed to rest early for work tomorrow. and i guessed i was. it was certainly not easy to push a wheelchair around the place, even more so when mum was so heavy!

but i was certainly not complaining. she was so cheery and smiling from ear to ear through the trip. it was so nice to see her happy!

:-)

longer & thicker

last couple of weeks, i kept getting mails asking if i wanna have fun/ sex. then this week, i started having mails asking if i want to have my penis lengthened and thickened, and/ or products to help me enhance my drive, my libido, my performance, and so on. and interestingly, these mails came from all female names...

chey, i thought, long or short, thick or thin, as long (no pun intended) as i am happy, that's all that matters. most important, it works! and that it works well! i am sure my bee bee can attest to that! so, buzzed off spammers! i need no enhancement, no massages, no vacuum pumps, no tablets, la la la...

hahaha...

ps: interestingly, these enhancers all come from western countries. but i thought westerners are supposedly longer and thicker than asians? heh heh heh... perhaps, or are they just more insecure...

unforgiving person

my big boss dropped a bombshell on me yesterday... and i frankly think this is the first of many to come...

you see, my big boss called me up to his office to discuss some personnel related matters. during the so called discussion, he told me i had to kick out one of my senior staff. not negotiable. and i must do it in 6 months time. well of cos, he did not literally use the words "kick out", he simply wanted me to transfer one of my heads out of my unit in 6 months time. he explained that what he wanted to do was to allow me to have better people in my team. with an expanded job scope, it would be important for me to get good people too. and to him, this person has been a bit too complacent and too comfortable for his position. he had been in the position for the last 5 years and seemed to be slowing down a lot. to my big boss, this is not good and that to make my unit move faster, this guy has to go. it did not matter that he has been one of the key stabilizer since i took over. to my big boss, i need to look beyond this guy.

really, i didn't know whether to thank him or otherwise. on one hand, i was certainly very please that he is looking at giving me good people, yet on the other hand, some of the other reasons he offered seemed a little too personal too for he brought up past issues that seemed a little too distant for me. a little unforgiving too if i may say. he said he would not be giving me any choice, either he accept this posting or he will be asked to leave. hmmm, i guessed i will have to manage this senior chap carefully. if done wrongly, i will have more morale issues. but of cos on the bright side, i am getting better people and that can only augur well for my unit in the longer term.

right?

:-)

ps: i do really think this is a direct result of having lunches with bosses over the last 2 weeks.

我比誰都清楚

another one of my coming out years songs. somehow, i have this very strong attachment to the songs of those years. i would connect and identify myself as the character in the song...

and i would cry and cry and...

thinking back...

heh heh...

well, this was one of the lesser painful song.

keeping time

i bought mum a new hp and i had it charged overnight. i placed the new phone some distance away from my mum.

as i put mum to bed, she took out her old phone and asked me to help her switch on her phone. i was puzzled why she wanted to switch it on given that the sim card had been removed and inserted into the new phone. she replied she used the phone to see the time when she wakes up at night...

ah-sor! mystery solved! i have always wondered how she knew the time in the middle of the nights cos i did not put any clock in her room...

i obediently switched the phone on for her. once the phone was switched on, i passed it to her and as i looked at the phone, my mind started wondering... the numbers in the handset were so small and i amazed me that she could see the time. it also amazed me that she could interpret the time displayed in digital format. i playfully asked her "so what is the time now?" she couldn't answered and stared at me. i asked again and she gave me a blank look. so i asked her "you said you wanted to on the phone to keep tab about the time right?"...

and she looked at me, took the phone and demonstrated to me how she did it. and as she demonstrated, she said... "i press the keypad so that i can use the light to see the time on my watch..."

hahahaha... my mum is so cute!

me and my mental models!

sex tonight?

i have often recieve mails from all sorts of people including tricia, crystal, etc asking me "do you wanna have sex tonight?", "do you wanna have fun?" and so on...

damned the spammers! been told that when one visits porn sites, there would be a high probability of getting spammed by them. then again, these cannot be from all the sites i frequent, considering these are straight porn spam mails (i assume)... well, unless these are trannies names... hmmm, but i have certainly not been frequenting trannies sites too! not my cup of t's... come to think of it, if i get similar mails from "men in goggles", i might just click and check out the mail!

hahaha!

:-)

high expenses

it is very expensive to look after the elderly. was so when my dad and mum stayed with me previously. and is the same now that my mum has moved in again after 3 years! it has been 3 plus weeks since she moved in to my place and the bills are mounting pretty fast. the frequent medical bills, the food, the washing, the diapers, the daily needs, etc...

but no, i am not complaining. i am merely reflecting. i have to look after and provide for my mum. that is my responsibility. even if i have to miss my meals to feed her, i will happily do so. afterall, she had gone through lots of hardship just to bring me up. what more can i do now that she is reliant on me to provide for all her basic needs now.

as long as she is comfortable and happy.

:-)

lunches with bosses

it was weird cos of late, 2 of my big bosses asked me out for lunch. one was last week, where one of them asked me out. and the other one was today. got a call late morning from the secretary asking me to pick him up for lunch.

weird.

and what's weirder was that although a significant part of the conversations with both big bosses were different (cos they both have different thoughts about the issues), both also asked similar questions - how are you coping? do you feel overworked? should you be reporting to your current boss or should you report direct to another boss? etc... well, ok, not in these exact words, but the angle was something like that. of cos it was clear to me that both lunches were to elicit information out of me about my outfit and for them to better understand how i am coping. i answered as asked. no point hiding anything. it was not often that i get to lunch with them. and even more rare for me to give them unadulterated feedback about things in the company. so i took the opportunities to tell them about the issues, the challenges, the gaps, the shortcomings, etc. of cos, i did it with tact and focused on the issues rather than finger point any specific persons.

and i did more. i went on to tell one of them that i felt underpaid and overwhelmed at times. not a statement of complain, rather, it was a statement of fact and reflection, i said. i thought my big boss was kinda caught offguard with my off the cuff input. i had to calibrate the input so that i do not sound like i was finding the opportunity to negotiate higher pay (although i was... indirectly). he went on to ask about my pay and i thought he was kinda surprised at the amount i am currently being paid. (peanuts, i thought)

well, overall, i thought the lunches went ok. got a lot of inputs, planted a lot of feedback. things are clearer to me after these lunches. and hopefully, the big bosses can better understand the challenges i face on the ground...

:-)

yam cake

the following is the recipe for making chinese yam cake (also known as orh kueh in hokkien). managed to get this recipe from my sis. the details are purely estimates and you can vary according to your own taste... the following amount would yield about 2 trays of yam cake.

ingredients
yam - about the size of your fist
2 big onions or a handful of shallots
8 – 10 mushrooms
belly meat, or minced lean meat (amount as desired)
2 tbsp of dried prawns
450gm of rice flour
1500 cc of either water or stock (as desired)

preparations
dice the yam into small cubes
coarsely chop the onions/ shallots
soak the mushrooms in water and cut them into strips
keep the water used for soaking for the mixture, adds to the fragrance
for the meat, you may choose to take away the fat or you can also use minced meat, amount as desired
soak the dried prawns and lightly crushed it (as in the mushroom, you can consider using the water used to soak the prawns for the mixture)
mix the rice flour to the stock (proportion is 300gm to 1000 cc)

seasoning
light sauce - to taste
oyster sauce - to taste
pepper
dash of sugar
salt
msg (as desired)
a dash of 5 spice powder

cooking
stir fry meat till fragrant and the oil comes out. scoop aside. stir fry dried prawns till fragrant then add in the diced onions. stir fry onions till fragrant (transparent, glassy look). add in the meat, mushrooms and the yam. mix thoroughly as in cooking yam rice (exactly). once done, flavour with light sauce, oyster sauces, pepper, dash of sugar, salt and msg as desired. sprinkle a tiny dash of 5 spice powder (too much too strong, not nice). stir fry and mix thoroughly and scoop aside. mix the 450gm of rice and 1500 cc of liquid in the wok and warm over not too strong fire. pour in the yam mix into the rice flour solution. taste and flavour further if necessary. stir over medium fire, scrapping the base regularly to prevent the base from getting burnt. the mixture will slowly become paste like. keep stirring and scrapping the base and do until the whole mixture becomes paste like as in cooking banana hoon kuey (will be easier if use an anti stick wok). transfer paste to a flat tin and steam for about 45mins to 60 mins. once done, leave to cool. do not cut until cool as the mixture would still be watery when hot.

once cooled, cut and serve with chilli sauce/ sambal/ or sweet sauce according to liking. garnish with cut chilli, shallots and a dash of onion oil.

enjoy!

extravagant afterlife

went to the columbarium to commemorate dad's 3rd anniversary today. and after that, we decided to drop by the nirvana columbarium place. there had been quite a bit of publicity previously and we thought we should take a peek.

we were certainly awed the moment we stepped in. fully air-conditioned, lots of crystals, chandeliers, electronically tagged niches located within rooms called "suites", golden buddha figurines in every suite, sofa areas for people to rest, piped music/ sutras, etc. it was really a very high-end resting place for the dead. it felt really really hotel-like. and there were a lot of sales personnel trying to sell niche to people! i half suspect there were more sales personnel than visitors! as we walked from suite to suite, we were constantly greeted by golden buddha figurines, sculptures of boddisatvas, paintings, etc. very extravagant! and of cos, what was key in our heads were - how very expensive the niches must have cost! and true enough, i overheard a sales staff tell a group as they walked pass us that the niche in a particular suite cost about s$10,000... and that niche was not even located in a high end suite!

frankly, after seeing all the niceties, we walked out feeling rather disturbed. having just visited my dad's niche in a government-run columbarium, the contrast was super great! personally, i felt that the government-run columbarium was a lot more simpler and peaceful, and certainly a lot more respectful and dignified, for the dead, that is. with so many sales staff touting their niches, it certainly felt like a market. and the result was that the place, supposedly built for the dead to rest, ended up feeling superbly commercialized.

to me, there is no need for any opulence when it comes to the dead. when we are alive, many try to outdo each other by showing off their wealth, but when we are dead, we are all the same - a pile of bones. what need do we have for anything showy other than a quiet niche to rest? frankly, i cannot appreciate the need for the dead/ ashes and all to be placed in air-con niches with the environment all stacked with crystals and chandeliers etc. if it is to show filial piety, why do it for the dead, we should do it when they were alive. and if by having expensive niches, one will get the blessings of the buddhas and boddhisatvas for future generations, are we then saying that buddhas and boddhisatvas are mecenarious and will not bless people who cannot afford expensive niches? harlow! it was so clear to me that these are to feed the greed of many (especially the businessmen behind this columbarium), the greed for money, the greed to get blessings (by the many ignorant people who purchase the niches!), etc... blessed are those whose hearts are pure, who are compassionate, who spreads the truth... not those who keeps their dead in expensive niches! also, for many moments when i was there, it felt like people were simply trying to show off when they purchase a niche there... well, then again it might be unfair of me to make that comment/ have that thought.

still...

3rd anniversary

by lunar calender, today is the 3rd anniversary of my dad's demise. by solar calender, it would be tomorrow. then again, it has become a routine for us to commemorate his passing on national day regardless of whether it coincides with the lunar or the solar calender. we reckoned it is not so much the exact day that matters but rather, the fact that we remembers...

previous 2 years, my mum, my bro's family and i would commemorate the anniversary by visiting the columbarium to pay our respects. but this year, it was different. my mum, bee and i went in the morning, whereas my bro and his family went in the afternoon. and it was funny cos for the past weeks, my mum had insisted on not going to the columbarium (for all sorts of reasons). even as late as yesterday, she had told me she didn't want to pay her respects. and she also reminded me not to drink any water or eat any food that my bro's family prepares as she strongly believed they would cast some sort of spell on the food... then this morning, she told me she wanted to pay her respects and asked me to bring her there after breakfast... and that was what bee and i did.

bee and i made the day into an excursion for mum. we went for breakfast at jurong west, went to shop for the joss papers and stuff, dropped by a tua pek gong temple to pray, went to the columbarium to pay respects to my dad (and at the same time, pay respects to my paternal grandparents), visited the nirvana columbarium place to take a look, brought her shopping at jurong point, and then to buy some nonya kuih before heading home.

:-)

well, it was a long and tiring day. we spoke a lot of the past, about mum's younger days, about dad, etc... and that was how we commemorated dad's 3rd anniversary.

ndp & i

bee asked me why i have once again posted old (and repeated) news in my blog. he was referring to my ndp postings. other than 2006 and 2010, i have annually posted abt the same thing every year (2005, 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2011).

i thought about his question. and i concluded that indeed what happened that year was something i could not let go. i mean, much as i would like to, it would be an almost impossible thing for me to forget how a country and an organization bore its weight on me simply becos of my sexuality.

damned! just thinking about it makes my inner temperature rise a bit! and for the record, as per previous years, i will not recite the national pledge this year too.

ok, shall stop here.

ndp 2011

somehow i don't feel anything this national day. in fact, this has been so since the last few national days. yes, it is a day to celebrate, to reflect on our independence, on our future, etc. but for me, depite the slight sense of sentimental excitement, it would be just another day.

national days do not excite me anymore these days. not like the way it did when i was a lot younger. a lot more naive. that was when i believe that as long as i am loyal to my organisation and patriotic to my country, i would get the same reciprocal recognition, acceptance and acknowledgement. nope, it doesn't work this way in this country of mine. and it became clear to me on that fateful day in may 2005 when the organisation and the country stopped recognising my contributions and bore its weight on me and punished me... becos of my sexuality.

living ones' dream

for my mum, living ones' dreams meant a whole different meaning altogether.

given her anxiety, she has been dreaming almost nightly about her late father (my grandfather) coming to her and giving her advice. and she would tell me about her dreams almost daily. and invariably, they would revolve around my graddad telling her to avoid my sister-in-law, the maid and my brother. also, my late grandfather would tell her to only stay with me, go out with me wherever i go (apart from work), and to rely on no one but me. also, all the past characters in her life would somehow appear and tell her about how, amongst all her children, i would be the only one that would provide her with good life and look after her in her old age.

all her dreams are variants of this and well, you can imagine how convinced she would be in the daytime. i always make it a point to speak good of my brother and my sisters. but somehow she would time and again, tell me not to be so "naive" and believe they are good cos her late father (my grandfather) had told her otherwise. and when i asked how my grandfather would know my sister-in-law as he had been dead since 1985, my mum would look at me and say "why not? he is dead. and the dead would know everything!"...

hmmm... how to respond to such an answer? hmmm... i simply change the topic. no point trying to tell her it is wrong. at best, she would take it. at worst, she would get even more confused and anxious. so, just let it be. easier to just accept this as her point of view, change the topic, and move on.

:-)

bbq

if you cannot go out with friends, you bring your friends to your house.

well, that was what we did over the weekend. as it was difficult for me to head out with friends for my weekends, i decided i should organize a bbq gathering for my friends to come to my place over the weekend instead.

it was interesting cos unlike previous bbqs, this one was a little more stressful. for a start, this bbq was a super small one. all-in-all, we had only 5 adults (including bee and i) and 2 kids. and so, the food preparation was kinda a lot less although it was no less hard work! secondly, due to my mum's incontinence, i had to make extra special efforts to give the whole house a good cleaning before my friends arrive. i had to make sure the stench of urine is minimzed. not too sure if i was successful in this but i guessed even if they did smell anything weird, they would have been a lot more forgiving. after all, it is not easy looking after an elderly.

it was a good and simple bbq, no less fun too although it would have been greater if more could attend. hmmm, perhaps next time!

:-)

lasik

to do or not to so? that is the question... i brought my mum for her eye check-up yesterday and i was curious enough to check out the lasik clinic. the customer ambassador was quick to talk to me and fill me in with all the answers i need to know. apparently, i am able to get the lasik done within 2-3 weeks from the day i register. very efficient. unlike previously where one had to wait for 3-4 months.

issue here is - at my age where my presbyopia is starting, if i decide to do my lasik to correct my myopia, it is almost certain my presbyopia will worsen straight away. so... hmmm... so i am now wondering, if i do not do, i can read with minimal problems but needs glasses to see far. if i proceed, i can see far but i will definitely need glasses to read. case of devil and deep blue sea.

so, it now begs the question - to do or not to do?

gotta think hard. and a side question now (given the high efficiency) is, when should i register if i decide to do.

heh heh...

inconsiderate family

parked my car at tampines mall basement 3 earlier on and decided to take the lift together to level 1.  a colleague was with me as i had given him a lift and i was supposed to meet bee there for dinner. the lift was fully packed with people and had little standing space left after we got in.

at basement 2, a couple and their baby stepped in. the door refused to close cos it was overloaded. the couple and the baby stepped off. the lift door closed and it went up.

at basement 1, the lift door opened, a family of 3 stepped in and stood just by the edge of the lift door. this family comprised a makcik, a pakcik (malay words for "middle aged malay woman" and "middle aged malay man" respectively) and their adult child (cannot recall if it was a son or a daughter). again, the lift door refused to close. people outside the lift noted it was overloaded and voiced out loud that it was so. this particular family just stood there and refused to move. the people outside continued to shout out loud that it was overloaded. again, this family just stood there, acted blur (local slang for "pretending ignorance") and looked left and right. sensing there was no way this family was going to step out, my colleague decided to alight and he stepped out. well, all of us had guessed, the lift continued not to move as it was still overloaded. by that time, the people inside the lift started getting agitated and half shouted to the family "hey, the lift is still overloaded". again, the family acted blur, pakcik looked onto the floor, makcik continued to act blur and looked left and right again. the child started squeezing into the lift in an attempt to get deeper into the lift. everyone got really agitated. i decided i should step out.

after i did so, the lift door closed.

my colleague and i looked at each other and we shook our head. we continued our way. i was sure that for that moment, all the occupants in the lift were so f-ing pissed off with this family. such an inconsiderate lot of people... worst still, can still act blur, and look left and right!

hmmmph!

photo from: http://www.keithnewsteadautomata.com/node/182

aimless weekend thoughts

a lot of things went through my mind this weekend. on one hand, i have a workshop to scope and my top management has asked me to sent them my slides (which i have not even prepared). and admittedly, this is stressing me to the point where i have started to dream of the topic. the thing is, i have not even started anything on it. but on the other hand, i have just finished a stressful workshop and am in no state to start anything mental cos i feel totally burned out.

weekends are supposed to allow us to rest and to catch up with our loved ones. but apart from a short 2-hour period on saturday, bee was busy with his work/ friends and i have the whole weekend to myself, and my mum. i brought her around to do her needful tasks (pack her stuff, collect her medications, etc), go to the temple, etc. but well, there is only so much one can achieve spending time with one's mum right? by the end of the day after mum retired to bed, i felt somewhat bored. so... yup, lotsa mixed emotions through the day and different issues in my head. stressed, bored, busy, tired, lonely, etc...

so here i am, aimlessly lost in my own thoughts on a sunday afternoon and blogging. by the way, when you feel stressed by some issue/s, how do you respond to it? for me, i do it the following way...

• address the issue (be it work, money, etc)
• go into myself (think about it)
• avoid/ escape from it, do something that would rid my mind off it/ make me relax (masturbate, watch porn, go for walks, watch movies, kaypoh about/ stalk people in facebook, suntan, laze by the pool, people watch, go for a good meal, etc)

and what do you do when you are bored? for me, i do the following...

• update my blog (like i am doing now)
• play with sapphie (i try to cos i only have weekends to do so)
• read a book (oh, this is so seldom these days)
• watch a show (porn, movie, youtube, etc)
• do housework (you will be amazed how a bit here and a bit there can kill a whole day!)
• do work (lowest priority but yes, i do it when i need to)
• suntan/ laze by the pool (whenever i can but certainly not on weekends as far as possible. i don't like the gay crowd [surprised?])
• etc

and of cos, not to miss out, what do you do on your weekends? for me...

• look after my mum
• together with bee, bring mum out for meals
• go for a good meal
• housework
• housework
• housework
• housework
• housework
• and whenever i can, like for example, after putting mum to bed, to head out to do a bit of shopping and perhaps even for a foot massage...

and finally when i am done with all i need to do on a weekend, i take my rest and then when i am rested and i get bored...

:-)

burned out?

have you ever felt so exhausted after completing a major activity, one that you have put in so much effort and planned over a long period, that you literally fall flat and simply want to blank off for a long while?

yup, that is how i am feeling now. the workshop that i had planned over the last couple of months have finally ended. and i feel totally exhausted now. but alas, much as i wished i could really fall flat and not do anything, i am now tasked to scope and facilitate another major workshop in 3 weeks time. and this time round, it is not my workshop but that of my top management. haiz... and to make things worst, there are some discontent and bickering occurring at my workplace that requires my personal attention. hmmph! push on push on... perhaps, rather than taking a long break (which i think is quite difficult under current situation), i shall consider taking short half-day, or even quarter-day type of breaks to simply blank off at the pool or something along that line...

and i supposed i could also make full use of my weekends to do some work since weekends these days are spend looking after mum fulltime. spreading out some of my weekday load to my weekends might just make my weekdays more relaxing and allow me the time to blank off when i need it during work. and yes, rather than lamenting the fact that i now have less time to meet friends, i think it is time to also think about hosting people at my place... time to organize bbqs!

let's see how things go...

no, no, not good enough, it should be - "am sure things will be great!"

positive thinking!

picture from: http://slice2010.blogspot.com/

senior citizens

a friend sent me this email one stressful morning and it really helped. i had a good laugh and all my stress was forgotten for that moment.

==============
a little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "please come over here and help me. i have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

her neighbour asks, "what is it supposed to be when it's finished?" the little silver haired lady says, "according to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

she lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. he studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "first of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

he takes her hand and says, "secondly, i want you to relax. let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep deep sigh............

scroll down !!!!!!!!!!

"let's put all the corn flakes back in the box."

stupid woman

i saw this update from a friend's facebook status:

"a friend just seen a poker card fortune teller, said she was born with bad bazi, very ying and have five unlucky star following her; to clear each star, she needs to pay him $100 per star and... how should i comfort her ah? aiyoyo she very ok le with nice husband and three kids"

first thing that came to mind was - wtf! what a stupid woman! how can anyone ever believe in streetside fortune tellers? doesn't people know that these are con artists and are out to make money by creating fear? darned! and worst still, the reasons of the "5-stars" are really darn stupid!... thinking about it, i added a comment, i wrote:

"she needs one unlucky crescent moon to make it a perfect unlucky singaporean! never believe streetside poker card fortune reader!"

almost wanted to write "stupid woman" at the end but decided i should just end there... give her the benefit of doubt, when a person is desperate enough, one will do stupid things, and i think she might perhaps be in a desperate situation.

hmmph!

fall again

2nd fall in 2 days. yup, mum fell again today. and it happened like this...

i went to pick her up after work from my sis's place. and i wheeled her down to my car. at my car (driver side), mum said she could walk to the passenger side door and did so. when she reached and opened the door, it swung outwards towards her and becos she stood too close to it, she fell backwards! seeing her loose her balance, i rushed her and tried to grab her. by the time i reached her, she had landed on her bums. i was lucky to be able to grab her armpits before she fell totally backwards and hit her head!

whew!

thank goodness it was a light fall and i grabbed her in time.

55555

an interesting milestone for my blog again...

well, bee always teases me that the counter number is not fully reflective of actual visitors cos many a times, it was due to my own logins and refreshes. well, i must admit he is right. then again, whatever it is, 55555 is still a beautiful number and a milestone right?

haha!

fall

left home for work this morning. before i knew it, there was a heavy downpour. i called home. mum picked up the call, and then the line cut. and i couldn't get back anymore. the line kept playing "the m1 customer you are calling are not available..." i got worried and i tried calling my second sis. no answer. i called my mum, the recorded voice came on again. after trying countless times, i gave up. i smsed my sis to check on my mum as early as possible. thank goodness she got back very quickly.

apparently, when it started pouring, the winds was so strong, the rain splashed into the house as the balcony door was open. and mum tried to get the mop from the kitchen to mop the floor. but in the process of getting the mop, she slipped and fell... by the time my sis got to her, she had picked herself up. and my sis made her rest on the sofa while she cleaned up the rainwater.

i am just glad nothing major happened to mum. thank goodness she fell in the kitchen and not anywhere else cos the floor rug would have cushioned her fall. lesson learned - i better not leave the balcony door opened. and i should arrange for sis to pick mum up as early as possible.

frankly, on one hand, i felt sad for the fact that mum, being so old and is reliant on walking frames and wheelchair to move about, had to be asked to move from my place to sis' place daily. with such issues, she should be resting properly at home and any movements should be minimized. then again, on the other hand, i thought it was actually a good thing to make her move around cos apart from giving her the exercise she needed, such travelling would help to keep her mind active. and this would certainly strengthen her mental capacities. have asked her many a times and she insisted she is ok and felt happy to be moving about (cos after all, she would be bored if she were to stay at home alone).

well, just as long as she is happy...

ah ha ha chuuu

due to stress and managing my mum, i have not been sleeping well past week. yesterday, my body ached like crazy and i started having irritable throat. today, i started sniffling and my throat's irritability has worsened. i am now experiencing runny nose and coughing on and off too. start of another bout of flu... wrong timing cos i will be running a course thurs/ fri and i cannot afford to lose my voice. and no no... i better not end up infecting my mum. superbly tricky business when an elderly person falls ill!

haiz...

housework sunday

yup. it was housework galore today. swept the house, washed the laundry room floor, mopped the house, did the laundry, gave sapphie a bathe, brought her to changi business park to dry her fur, cleaned the fish tank, wiped the glass doors, wiped the cabinets, and so on... and i believed i have burned quite a bit of calories doing all these housework too!

and yes, life's routine can be very therapeutic too. and added to that, i chatted along with mum as i went about my chores.

such quality time.

:-)

new developments?

some things seemed to be brewing at work... 2 weeks ago, one of the big bosses called me up and asked me if i have considered doing sales. then last week, another big boss called his secretary to arrange for lunch with him. and then in another management meeting, another boss came up to me and said he heard about my "possible move".

hmmm... and frankly, i do not know anything about anything!

is something brewing?

trip to no where

today, bee, mum and i made a trip to malaysia and we made a trip to no where... yup. we literally made a trip to no where.

all i wanted to do was to drive mum up north and i had no specific plans. well of course, i had initially wanted to head to melaka, but i wanted to take things easy. no stress. and so, by the time we started the journey, the time available probably only allowed us to fart around in jb. bee said he wanted to buy some local "pong piah" while there. and so i thought i would head to air hitam instead as i vaguely had the impression that they sell lots of local delights there. but after entering malaysia and getting into all the checks etc, it was quite late and i decided to head to senai for late lunch instead. i drove them to the resort there where we had japanese lunch. it was kinda interesting but bee commented that that was the first time he saw a person don a kimono and wearing a tudung at the same time. yup, malaysia alright. and as we order, bee realized that there was just that many items we could order given that i was supposed to keep off poutry, tofu and so on whereas mum do not take beek or mutton. so in the end, we had lots of fish, soba, tempura, as well as sushi...

i had forgotten about the "pong piah" by the time we finished our lunch and i was reminded of it again when bee brought it up as i drove out of the resort. so, i did a turn and made my way up to air hitam instead. arrived there, walked around, found lots of ceramic stuffs but no "pong piah" and decided to drive back singapore. so... yup, we travelled 100km to find "pong piah" and then to drive back again empty handed. heh heh...

got into super long jam, queue for an hour and a half before we ended up in singapore again. so... yup, we went to malaysia and we went to no where. but well, as i said, psychologically (especially to mum), we had gone out of the country and for a short getaway. that is the most important. and for me, i had the whole day to chat with mum and that in itself, was priceless.

:-)

damned malaysian immigration

my trip to malaysia with mum today was marred by 2 incidents. and interestingly, these 2 incidents occurred at the malaysian immigration checkpoints and they both involved their immigration personnel. and the personnel involved in both cases were in their late-20s/early-30s, males, and malay.

you see, as we entered malaysia this morning, we had to pass our passports to the immigration officer to stamp. i dutifully did so. the immigration officer looked at us with a face like macam we owe him lots of favours, and asked where we were going. "melaka" i said. "for what?" he asked. "jalan jalan and have lunch" i said. "go melaka to have lunch. you very free right?" he asked in malay. he asked me if i would like to buy more white cards (immigration cards)? hmmmm... tricky, if i said no, he would probably ask more questions and delay us (that was my assumption). and if i were to say yes, he would probably ask for some money... with my mum in my car, i really did not wish for this to prolong. i said ok, and he said it would be 10 ringgit. he passed me back only one passport (out of the 3) and asked that i insert the money into the passport and hand it back to him. only then will he return me the other 2 passports. he was careful to remind me to insert the money fully into the passport. i placed 5 ringgit. he looked at it, looked unhappy and asked for 10 ringgit. i relented and he handed me back our passports together with a huge stack of immigration cards. not too sure if there was any conniving with the customs, but it was really a smooth ride for us after that. no further checks. it was smooth sailing.

for the second incident when i was heading back, it went something like this. the queue to the immigration counter was several km long and we had to queue for more than 1.5hrs before reaching the counter. about half of the total lanes were in operations and for each counter, there was space for 3 cars. i saw an empty lot in front of one of the lanes and drove to it. there was 2 other malaysian cars in front of me. the immigration officer cleared them within seconds. and when i drove up to him, he looked at his watch, stared at me and half shouted at me - "ooi, balik! balik! kaunter sudah tutup" how rude to address me as such i thought and wtf! where and when did he indicate the lane had closed... or perhaps he decided it was closed after deciding it was time to knock off? i acted blur and asked if i should proceed ahead (wondering if there were any further immigration counters in front). looking crossed and impatient, he replied curtly, tidak ada! tidak ada! gostan! gostan! and waved furiously for me to reverse my car. wtf right! i thought if he wanted to close the lane, he would have at least gone back and close the lane first so that no one can join in the queue. then again, i decided it was just not worth the effort to pursue. i reversed and joined in another lane...

frankly, with this kind of people in the civil service, malaysia can only progress this 'fast'. quite pitiful considering that malaysia is such a great and beautiful country that has so much potential. but then again, i supposed it will take time and a total change in their attitude before anything can happen. i was just so glad to get back to singapore. no bribing, no unreasonable officers. and more importantly, where things were efficiently executed.

and with a smile.

establishing trust

when you talk to an elderly, be candid, tackle the issue, do not try to hide. see things from their point of view and make sure you do not allow any opportunities to occur whereby the elderly can misunderstand you.

that was the message i iterated to bee today.

you see, bee and i brought mum out to johor today. before heading up, i asked mum to wear diapers. and by the end of the day, her diapers was heavy with urine. and given that she had to frequently get in and out of the car and sit on the wheelchair, some of the urine spilled onto the wheelchair as well as on the car seat. naturally, the stench of urine fill part of the car, particularly at the back of the car closest to the boot where i kept the wheelchair.

bee felt uneasy and used mandarin to tell me about the stench. candidly, i would tell my mum about the stench and how bee was able to smell it, etc. bee was not happy about it. to him, by using mandarin, he was trying not to upset mum. he did not see my point of view to assure mum that we are ok with it. to me, i do not take mum to be a fool. i was sure she was aware of the stench. i was sure she might possibly feel apologetic about it. i was sure she can see, sense, hear and sensemake what we were talking about to some extend. and so from this perspective, i have to make sure nothing gets misunderstood. to me, her tensions with my sis-in-law was, to a large part, due to the fact that my sis-in-law speaks in mandarin (she was from china). and her inability to fully communicate with mum resulted in a deep sense of distrust on my mum's part. i do not want to see the same happen between bee and mum.

in fact, i explained to bee that he should use such opportunities to built confidence. talk about it. bring it up candidly. assure her that he is ok with it. assure her that it can be cleaned and managed easily. put mum at ease. and if he can do all these, it would assure mum. it would built her confidence. it would bridge the current polite gap that still exist between them. and it would certainly help me manage mum's ability to be comfortable with bee.

there are lessons to be learned. the intentions may be good but more importantly, it is the perception that one needs to manage. it is about seeing things from the other person's point of view. cos if this is not well managed, no amount of good intentions can sustain or built a relationship.

dignity

i told my mum i would drive her to malaysia today after my medical review. she was pretty excited about it. and as part of the preparations, i suggested that she wear diapers too so that we would not be caught in a situation where we could not find a toilet when she needs to ease herself or when we were caught in a traffic jam. she agreed.

she went into her room to put on her diapers happily. when she did not emerge some 5mins later, i got a little uneasy. there was no sound from her room and so i knocked on her door. she replied that she was still trying to put on her diapers. i asked if she needed help and she replied yes. i pushed her door open and saw her trying very hard to wear her diapers. worst of all, the adhesive tapes of the diapers had been badly torn and no longer usable. yet she was desperately trying hard to pull the flaps together. i felt very sad seeing her in this state. i was not embarrassed by the fact that she was lying in bed naked waist down. i saw a sickly old woman lying there struggling and i rushed in to help her. i pulled out the spoilt diaper and change a new one. she allowed me to help her and in no time, i got her ready.

i helped her through the whole process with a very straight face and in a manner like what a nurse would do. noting her difficulties, i asked how she managed to do it before her bedtime in the past couple of days when she put up with me. she said "chin chai cheng" (haphazzardly). i was acutely aware of the possible embarrassment she would feel given that i am a man. yet, on the other hand, i was happy by the fact that she trusted me to help her undertake such a task. knowing my mum, apart from me, there is already no other person in this world whom she can trust.

and so this evening, before she went to bed, i made it a point to ask her if she needed me to help her with the diapers as i put her to bed. this will be a new routine for me henceforth.

medical review

went for my medical review this morning. and felt rather pai seh to tell the nurse that i had not been exercising regularly. other than that, everything seemed perfect. my weight had dropped from 75kg to 71.3kg. 4kg more to loose to hit my optimal bmi. as for pulse rate and blood pressure, within perfect range. and as for my breathe test (cannot recall the name of the test, other than i was suppose to blow into a tube to check the power of my lungs), the readings had improved. with such good results, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health and that i could go back 6-months later rather than the usual 4-months.

:-)

ps: interestingly, i told the doctor i had stopped my cholesterol medication for the past 2-3 months since i started my tcm treatment and he was pretty fine with it. to him, what is important is that my long drawn cough and runny nose issues have improved. it didn't matter if it was western medicine or tcm (particularly since all western interventions have not worked). he even gave me a possible explanation of how tcm could have worked for me!

she can crawl!

my niece can finally crawl! she started crawling 3 days ago and i saw it with my own eyes yesterday! it's so cute to see her crawl!

:-)

reflecting 2000

it's been 6 years and slightly more than 4 months to reach where i am here in this blog. 2000 posts in all. then again, to be accurate, the 2000 post mark had been reached probably last month if not for the fact that becos of my being outed in 2005 by the armed forces, i actually deleted quite a lot of posts in fridae (which many of my reflections were posted before i started using blogger...) in my feeble attempt to mask my online presence. nonetheless to me, this 2000-mark is still a significant one. blogging to me is a very reflective process and i have learned much from my blogs and have made a point to do so as early as 2008 when i hit my 300th post. my ability to reflect on my posting trends was further assisted when blogger started the tagging capability. (i actually spend a long time thinking of what and how to tag and eventually stabilized at what i have in the current list here). reading my past blogs and looking at the trends had contributed much to my own self-awareness and this in turn helped me improve my own self-development journey.

i looked at the stats yesterday and reflected.

wtf vs lol/ relax - hmmm...  yes, looking at the statistics, the highest score for the number of tags went to the "wtf" category. for me, i would use the "wtf" tag whenever i feel lousy, have a negative experience or when there is something i feel is not right - bottomline, it is associated with negative energies. as for "lol", i would use it when the blog is about anything that i can laugh about/ or at least smile. comparing the numbers, it  reflected my tendency to blog when i experience downs in my life. and thinking about it, yes, i actually do not make much effort to blog about happy things. of cos, looking at another perspective, the large difference might also reflect my inclination to see things from a pessimistic point of view. whatever the case is, i actually came to similar conclusions some time back and have tried to blog more positive things and see things positively. but somehow, it was not easy. i really need to put in more efforts. i need to learn to loosen up more, be more optimistic about things around me, don't be so uptight, don't sweat the small stuff, don't be a control freak, don't stress myself up over small things... the list goes on. but of course to be objective, i have actually improve much! the difference between the "wtf" and "lol/ relax" score has reduced over the pass 2 years. let's hope that in time to come, the "lol/ relax" score would surpass that of the "wtfs"... :-)

personalities - people form a huge part of my life. and this is reflected in the statistics on the tags related to personalities. the sum of the numbers for "mum", "dad", "bee", "james", "friends" and, for that matter, "sapphie" beats the sum of every other tags. then again, my reflections on these specific personalities were not consistently constant through time. this could be explain by the fact that i tend to blog more about a particular person when i spend more time with him/ her/ it, or when i experience more tensions with him/ her/ it.

moving focus - the focus of my blogs have moved from person to person depending on the stage of my life. there was a stage where "james" featured top in the list of my blogging frequency. almost every other day, i would blog about him. he/ thoughts of him controlled me like you could never imagine could happened to a person. he was just that big a part of me. but i guessed he didn't know it. perhaps he was at the stage in life where he was just too focused on his career to accord his energies to people around him, me to be specific. and perhaps it also reflected our poor state of communications. whatever the case, he was such a huge part of my life that it almost killed me when i asked to break off. and the initial years after that was traumatic. time heals. it always do. and with time, my blog's attention moved to other people around me - bee, my dad, my mum etc. i am sure when and if you were to draw a graph showing the frequency of incidences any specific character appears in my blog, you would be able to see a normal bell curve. and the bell curve for james would have peaked first, sometime in 2006-7, then my dad, peaking sometime in 2008 at around time time he died. as for bee (and sapphie of course), it would have been very constant cos they have been, and still are, very much a part of my life all these while. as for mum, the peak should be very erratic and i can foresee postings about her to peak sometime in the near future when she eventually passes on.

flavour of the day - there are also some topics here and there that peak once a while. these are topics related to say "sexuality", "religion", "books" etc. i would say these topic's peaks are related to the "flavour of the day". it depends on the key issues being discussed for that period and/ or my focus and attention, eg anything tagged to "sexuality" are topics related to glbt issues. and i believed it peaked during the periods when the hot topic being discussed locally was "377a". and given that this is related to my own sexuality, i end up spending more time reflecting on the issue and blogging them.

so... yup, from this perspective, it is actually not too possible to see any specific trend in these topics. and this perhaps is a reflection of what my blog is supposed to be - to journal my life, my thoughts and my experiences. and given the fact that my life revolve around important personalities in my life, blogs relating to people would be the highest.

:-)

2000th post

this is my 2000th post in this blog and i must make sure it is a happy one! yes! i will be on leave tomorrow to spend quality time with my mum! hurray!

:-)

home again

got the maid to discharge my mum today. and after work, i fetched her from my bro's place. brought her to imm for dinner together with bee and did some shopping before bringing her home. she was just too paranoid about staying in my bro's place. had to apply for urgent leave tomorrow to look after her and to sent her to see the psychiatrist. initially, i felt rather uncomfortable cos i was supposed to brief my top boss tomorrow about a project. but becos of my mum, despite my earlier dilemma, i decided finally to get my hr to brief him instead. i need to get my priorities right. the job is secondary, regardless of who i'm gonna brief. nothing can replace my mum. and well, since i have applied leave, i should just enjoy the time with mum.

it's a long weekend!

:-)

ps: writing about getting priorities right, i was reminded of the time 7 yrs ago when i was scared stiff about my health and had to go for a brain scan to ascertain the cause behind my blacking out. i asked james to accompany me for the scan and he said he could not... part of me died when i heard that reply. damned! it just occurred to me i have not forgotten about this!