Single

This week, after 20 years, I’m single again. 

Humiliation

Humiliation is no different from violence. 

It has no place in relationships.

Period.

Happy 52 to myself

I turned 52 yesterday. 

It was a non-affair for me. It simply whizzed by although people around me were quite excited about it. I received numerous whatsapps from friends throughout the day wishing me well. It was quite a nice feeling knowing my friends remembered me. And truth be told, I have asked myself if I would live to see my next birthday. I don't know, given my constant breathlessness, and occasional chest pains. I am also beginning to experience trembling hands, slurring speeches, forgetfulness, typos in my emails, etc. 

I have just done a blood test and got myself hooked up to the Holter again just now. Will be doing a review tomorrow before another doctor will assess my suitability to go through angioplasty. If all things are ok, I think it would be done some time next month. We'll see.

2019 will be a tough one for me at work. Have relinquished my port-folio and accepted a new one. The pressures are high to write a new chapter for the company. And my best-in-the-world boss has signaled to me the strong possibility of her resigning... Will write more in time to come. For now, just giving myself the space to just zen-off and take things slow, even if I come across as being a little more laid back during work time.

It's the year-end mood after all. Let's not be too hard on myself.

Happy birthday to myself.

Quick thoughts: The last 6 months...

I've been quiet, really quiet. I think I've lost the momentum to blog. This, to a huge extent, was due to me struggling with my life over the last half year or so... so much so that I was left totally drained and no energy to do anything else. Let me explain... 

Some of you have asked me about my break-up with Bee. To put in perspective, I wouldn't put it as me breaking up with him. Rather, it was an amicable break-up where he decided to give me his blessings when one day on 20 Sep, he asked - are you seeing someone? I said yes, and he said ok, then I will let you go. The rest was history. And although the "I'll let you go" came out so easily, what happened the following weeks were nothing short of drama - there were threats of suicide, of taking lives, inability to let go, emotions, etc. The amount of intertwining of our lives and habits over the 14-year relationship was simply too much to call it off so easily. 

As for the new guy, what happened was - I started seeing him since June this year. It started off as a meet up in office after knowing he was in the same company as me, and things led on to more and before we knew it, we got ourselves entangled. He came from Penang and had gone to Kuala Lumpur 8 years ago to pursue his degree. He got attached to someone there and had since lived with him. He came to Singapore to work since Apr this year and I go to know him in May 18 - through Grindr. The whole process of knowing him, messing with him, finding out that he's partnered, la la la... was nothing short of traumatic. The initial months were full of lies and hidden secrets and it got worst and worst as I discovered more and more about him, his personal life etc. Shan't go into details and it sufficed to say that what started off as a casual meet up turned into a fling and we didn't know how to stop it. 

And all these happened at the same time. 

So here we are, a new couple after he broke off with his partner, and I got the blessings of my partner. As all these happened, work turned messy with major projects almost monthly, changes in some of the leadership positions, new processes and pressures to deliver KPIs. All these added and piled up against one another and I supposed led to the eventual heart issues. 

Well, it's been a tough half year... it robbed me of my energies totally. I am into my last fortnight before the year ends and where I reflect on the last 12 months. For now, I have tentatively called 2018 the year of the heart. Will review closer to 31 Dec.

Sounds of silence

Nov 18 - the month where I did not blog for the whole month. It’s a first in over a decade. Being busy, bogged down with health issues, handling personal issues, etc has become a constant. Sometimes I wonder if this is a sign of aging or is it just a manifestation of my current state of being? Whatever... doesn’t matter right? Shall write more in the days to come. And it’s time for me to think about the milestones of 2018.

Breathlessness

Since the procedure, I had gone on a business trip to Bandung and extended my stay there for a weekend to explore the volcanic craters. It was a good trip apart from the fact that throughout the trip I was constantly gasping for breath. It was very uneasy and very unsettling - imagine gasping for breath and still feeling I was not able to get the necessary oxygen into my system despite breathing in as hard as I could. I had worried about the possibility of a cardiac arrest whenever I headed out of the hotel. I was conscious that I have a blockage while at the same time, I was not sure the quality of medical services should I suddenly collapse...

I was very glad I made it home eventually. Will head for a review next week. Hope to get this issue resolved as soon as possible.

Pardon the explicitness

Not one to post anything explicit in this blog but I thought I'd post this to show how bad the bruises are after the keyhole op. Two holes were punched, one on each side of the groin, after I was shaved and later, a third on my neck. And I suffered bruises on both sides of the groin. These bruises worsen two days after the op. And to make things worst, my skin reacted badly to the adhesive tapes and I have huge patches of rashes on both my front and back of my thighs... freaking itchy! And of cos, a funny thought is that if I should go pick anyone up (not that I would), he would definitely freak out and suffer immediate erectile dysfunction once I take off my pants! 

Lol!

Blockage

I had just gone to the clinic for a post-op check up.

The doctor said that my ablation procedure done two days ago was one of the most complicated he's ever done cos the palpitation occurred "all over the heart instead of the usual places" and appeared halfway into the op. According to him, the procedure would last no more than 2-3 hours but mine lasted more than 7 hours. And as CT scan revealed a 70-80% blockage in one of the main artery, he would have to refer this back to the specialist that referred me (to him). For now, he has given me medication and I am to go for a review in a months' time. I might have to insert a stent (balloon) if the blockage doesn't clear.

Let's see how things go.

Ablation

Completed my procedure last night. All signs seem ok this morning apart from the three punctured wounds that remained somewhat painful. Well, that’s the good news. The bad news is - the doctor found I have a blockage and need further intervention. We’ll see how this goes. Still feeling groggy and nauseous.

Will be discharged soon.

???

I don't even know where to start for this post other then I really want to write something.

Truth be told, I got to know a guy half my age in Grindr in May. We chatted and with time, I found him to be a nice down to earth person - rather immature and naive but real. He turned out to be a colleague from another division. After almost a month of chatting online, we eventually met up. It was unplanned and happened because I had to work late and he offered to buy dinner for me after his gym. We met up more often after that and became close. I later learned that he has a partner. Cut the long story short, and fast forward 3 months, he broke off with his partner and I wanted to head to KL with him to attend a wedding dinner. And that was when bee asked me quite explicitly - are you seeing someone? I came clean and he said he'll give us the blessings and let go. I didn’t know what to make of his coolness in his response but what came the following few days was bad - emotional, grieve, untainted threats/ hints of suicide, etc... just pure drama. Didn’t help that I was a soft hearted person and became an emotional wretched throughout... 

It's been 2 weeks and there was quite a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride for me - the whole process of managing a break up was made worst by my current partner's inability to even see his own break up as a break up. For that matter, his (now) ex chose to constantly text and chat with him like as though life has not changed - addressimg him “dear” and using collective terms in phrases like - if we need this or that next time... It didn't help that he (my current partner) thinks it's perfectly ok and that they're now officially like a Father-Son status instead of being partners (that's how immature and naive he is and I’m not even sure if he is making the conscious effort to draw the line clear). To me, it’s challenging to constantly be in a relationship where his ex’s presence is felt. But that's another story altogether. On the other hand in this two weeks, I learned so much more about bee from many of my friends, both straight and gay, that I had previously assumed but chose to ignore.  Most came up to me to tell me they wanted to share what they had known all these while cos they do strongly believed I had deserved better. All had the same intention - that with their sharing, they hoped I can move on better. And from their sharing, I was able to connect the dots and conclude why he had so many last minute "business trips". He has had his romps and I had mine and I am not about to take the moral high ground here. Nonetheless, it was sad to hear of all the lies and the monies involved, including how he was involved in a serious relationship with someone, brought people home, how he described me as an ex who was a military officer, how he claimed he has a condo in Changi (my house) and that he had rented it out, etc. All these happened 2-3 years back - just about the time my mum died. No need to go into details. Anyway, and ultimately, I had closed both eyes, given him the benefit of doubt, as he had chosen to come back to me at night.

I thanked my friends for their sharing. What they shared did not come as a surprise to me. I know him well enough. But it does saddens me to know he is back in his bad habits of lying and driven and consumed by material well-being. I simply told my friends that all these are in the past. Inside myself, I forgive him and I also beg his forgiveness for getting involved with someone else. It was something that was so natural, although I went through pure shit and hell to get to where I am in my current relationship. Nonetheless, I thank him for giving us the blessings. So yeah, this is one helluva freaking confusing situation I am in now. People around me being immature and naive, messiness with ex’s that refuse to fade away, learning all sorts of things that break my heart... and wondering how the fuck I can move forward in as clean and as uncomplicated manner as I possibly can.

Wtf!

moving on

thank you for the 14 years...

calling people names

i've seen and heard people calling other people names - even very nasty ones that drag in the whole family. worst of all, they do so behind the back. and i would like to ask this question - do you call people names?

i don't. i belief what i call people reflects on my own self. at the very worst - such as for people who hurt me - i will be neutral and will just refer to the person by his/ her name. and i say this because i strongly believe my differences in views and actions with that person does not give me the right to call him/ her names, and for that matter, drag his/ her family into the equation. this is not right. and this is basic respect and courtesy to a fellow human being.

do you agree?

peppermint

watched the midnight show on friday night... what a waste of time. walked out halfway through the show. then again, watching the show was an excuse. 

hotel transylvania 3

tried too hard. i fell asleep... enuf said.

mission impossible - fallout

such a smooth show to watch. tom cruise never fail to carry off the mission impossible shows.  it was pure adrenaline rush from the start to the end. thoroughly enjoyed it.

crazy rich asians

for a start, let's not get too carried away with trying to compare this show to what real singapore life is... they are definitely different. in actual fact, the show actually showcased quite a bit of actors from both singapore and malaysia, and not forgetting - many scenes were also shot in different parts of malaysia. now that i've gotten this out of the way, i want to share that this show was really entertaining and surprisingly touching. and given the emotional state i was in, i ended up crying like a cry-baby during parts of the show. now, that is not very glam for a 51-plus year old person. but it was good that i have a hand to grab throughout the show.

defining month

been a very intense month for me on all fronts, especially work and personal. health-wise, not too good but it's being managed, i supposed.

work
many things got done this month. regrettably, the person i hired seemed to show more misfit into the role as time passes. will let the next person to take over me manage. lotsa things happening and it will all culminate in my moving to a new position in 3 weeks. apprehensive about it, but quite excited also. lotsa interesting things coming up. need to continue to gear people up.

personal
things are looking good and getting better after a lot of tensions. and a lot of skeletons in the closet got pulled out and a lot of issues were brought up front, especially over the last 2-3 weeks. shan't say too much except that the ups and downs certainly helped to strengthen things up. looking forward to my coming weeks/ months.

health
heart is not doing any better. not too sure if it is an effect of the af, but the heart rate has been rather erratic. admittedly, have been non-compliant with my medicine over the last week. and last night, i accidentally bit my tongue, and the bleeding went on and on for quite a long while (almost 5-6 hours), thankfully it eventually stopped. perhaps this is the silver lining behind my non-compliance of my blood thinner. otherwise, suffered a bad gastric flu last week. stomach felt bloated, and had non-stop runs over 2 days. to manage the bloated feeling (that was so bloody uncomfortable), i had to induce vomiting in the middle of the night. not too pleasant but it helped loads.

nett nett, all's good.

hacking

someone has been trying to hack into my gmail account. last week, i received a text from google with a security code to be keyed in (when logging in). thought it was weird cos i didn't attempted any logging in per se. i ignored the text. and yesterday, i got another sms from google, this time telling me that someone unauthorised had attempted a login. decided to update my password...

and i wonder if it’s someone from kuala lumpur.

second best?

there’s a difference between telling a person you are committed and asking for time alone vs making a person feel second best.

new role

i mentioned about the new role that my chief has created previously. she had spoken with me about  it and asked about my interest in it. after some considerations and chat with my boss, i've decided to accept it.  it took me a while to decide and the reasons i accepted it are as follows:

• firstly, it gives me a break from my current role - a role that is getting increasingly routine and uninterestingly. to be objective about it, i am good at what i am doing but i find myself getting rather bored by it. 
• secondly, i personally think a break from my current role is refreshing and it allows me to be able to re-define and re-build myself. i have been in my current space for the last decade and i think my space will get increasingly challenged by digitalisation. the opportunity to reinvent myself would be useful.
• thirdly, my boss clarified that i will continue to work under her. this is an important factor for me. i get along really well with her and we complement each other very well; and this leads to my last point...
• the stress level will be there still, but it will be very creative in nature (positive stress) given the newness of the role. in such context, it is important for me to be able to worry less about stress from unreasonable expectations/ stress that is relationship in nature.

above all, there is one thing constant, regardless of whether i stay in my current role or move over to a new role - my health. i rationalised that all things being equal, the new role will be a lesser evil from the perspective of stress and if my health were to deteriorate, i always have the flexibility to resign and move on. so... yeah, wish me luck. things are likely to be different in the months ahead. let's see how it goes.

too old? too bad...

don't think i blogged about this previously but was reminded of it when i read another blog earlier on about gay guys not reflecting their real age in grindr. for me, i started off being totally anonymous some years back as i wanted to maintain my privacy. but over time, i've gotten comfortable with being more upfront and about 2 years ago, i started showing my own photos in the app (i usually do not put my age). so, this is the context of my post here.

last month, while having my breakfast, someone texted me in grindr (that was about 7.45am). the profile showed a nice lean bod with beautifully smooth and tanned skin. the age reflected 38. that person started off nicely and i acknowledged his connection by greeting him back - you know, those basic niceties of good morning and stuff. he continued chatting with those usual "how are you", "what's up?" kinda exchanges and it was not long before he started to ask about sex. "are you top or bottom", "what do you like to do" etc. i didn't give any explicit responses but simply gave short ambiguous answers. this went on through the day and his messages kept coming. as i was working, i only replied him when i am free (that means one or 2 replies per hour). as the conversation progressed, he started asking more explicit questions. i didn't really engage in the conversation as i was working and i believed he sensed my unwillingness to do so and he started telling me about himself - how he enjoys sucking, pleasuring people, etc etc etc. for some reasons, it felt like he was trying to impress me and through the day, he kept asking if he can meet up with me for fun. i was at work and told him so but his messages continued to come in quite fast and furious. frankly, it was quite flattering to get such interest from someone his age. it was not until about 5.30pm when i replied and asked if he's into mature men... cos i said "i am one". i shared that many are looking for young men in grindr and i am not exactly young (as could be seen from my profile pic). i said i wanted to be upfront to avoid any discomfort in the conversation or in the eventuality that we do meet up.

that was when he took a pause and asked - how "young" are you? i simply replied "51". i continued composing my next message to ask if he's ok, but before i could even finish composing my message, i got blocked by him. frankly, it came as a surprise, considering my photo was in full view, and he had, through the day been overly enthusiastic about wanting to know me and to see me. but after the momentary surprise, i simply brushed off this person. not my fault for being myself. too bad he has the mental block about older guys. his loss...

:-)

encore melaka

made a weekend trip with my friends to melaka to watch "encore melaka". was rather disappointed by the whole experience...

frankly, i think melaka is not ready for such a performance. the production was positioned and touted as a high-end performance that brings out the origins and culture of melaka. my friends and i decided to dress up for the performance - just like how we would do if it was a performance in the singapore esplanade or the sydney opera house.

i started feeling something was not right when we arrived. many were dressed very casually - in round neck t-shirt and berms. there were even a few who looked like they were dressed for the wet market. and we got the brunt of the bad behaviour when the show started and people starting clapping for no reasons. to make it worst, a lot of people in the audience whipped out their mobile and video-ed the performance throughout the show - and they didn't even dim their mobile lights! anyway... it was such a negative experience!

but to be fair, i must say the production started off really well. the visuals, the use of technology, the drums, the performers... it was really good. the story of melaka's origin was put across superbly! then everything went downhill after that. the depiction of the nonya and babas, and the re-enactment of the peranakan wedding was a huge disappointment. there was no grace in the nonya's movements, the behaviours of the bride and groom was anything but respectful. the whole segment came off very colourful but totally flat and inaccurate culturally. things got worst as the show progressed.

the whole unfolding of scenes were bad, the sound system was inconsistent - at times too loud, and at times, there were awkward silences.

new word

i learned a new word recently - barley som

possible new role

my big boss has asked me to consider a new role that she will be creating for the company. the job scope seemed rather interesting. but being a new role and that the things this role is required to undertake, i can expect it to be superbly challenging and stressful. ironically, my boss told me she highly recommended me for this role as she felt it would give my health (and heart) a break as my current job size is superbly huge.

i am supposed to give my big boss an answer this coming week. i am half inclined to accept it for simple reason that being a new role, i have the flexibility to shape it according to how i think it should be shaped. in perspective, i had already planned to resign by end of the year cos i really want  to prioritise my health over my work, and give myself a break. so, if this new role doesn't work out, i always have the option to resign.

you think?

miserable weekend

this weekend was rather miserable for me - had the holter's device hooked onto me (to monitor my heart rate), medical check ups, long duration of being alone, loads of work piling up (but i refused to work on it given that it's weekend), etc. saturday night was not easy. had insomnia, so many things in my mind - work, personal life, people, etc... did not sleep well, or for that matter, hardly slept at all through the night. woke up on sunday at 7am feeling groggy and sleepy (due to lack of sleep). went for breakfast and do my weekly routine visits to the cemetery. came back and crashed. had my dinner alone at the nearby eatery... think i'll sleep early. gonna be a long week ahead.

i have to be cheerful! it'll be a good week!

health update

my heart palpitations has gotten somewhat worse over the last two weeks. and during this period, i saw both consultants at the national heart center (nhc) as well as by my company's panel cardiologist. and more tests... both came to somewhat similar conclusion and recommendations:

• that my heart palpitations were most likely genetic in nature (my whole family has it); and
• that my stressful environment could have played a major role to trigger it off

i was advised against taking coffee, tea, alcohol, etc and put on medication to regulate my heart beat. the panel specialist gave me additional medication to thin my blood as he wanted to have the additional safeguard against possible stroke. also, both nhc and the panel cardiologist strongly urged me to consider undergoing ablation - a simple keyhole procedure to burn off the "malfunctioning" nerves in the heart. ablation, as explained, would be the best possible cure for my palpitations but of cos it carries with it a small percentage of risk. 

i think i'll go for it.

things getting even more intense

things are work are getting so much more intense now cos the many many projects are piling. everyone is getting really anxious about whats' to come in the coming months.  to give you a hint of the magnitude of what's coming up - at least 7-8 global events, almost non-stop back-to-back, and at least one that will involve inviting a ministerial-level guest. and my boss is feeling all so horrible to have to put me through these given my current state of health. then again, there is nothing she can do about it cos the planning have all been set in motion and the events announced.

wish me luck.

ant-man and the wasp

enjoyed this show tremendously. excited to see the end-credit and the show clip. looks like the next avengers movie is gonna weave this show and thanos together. so looking forward to it.

incredibles 2

after a decade since the release of the first incredibles, i was really looking forward to watch this. and despite the relatively slow start and somewhat uneven pace, i found the show to be really fun. and of cos the highlight of the show was the baby! such a cute boy! 

death a-calling again

once a while, you go through a period where death comes to many people around you. it happened to me in 2015/2016 where in the span of 7-8 months, i lost 7-8 people around me. these people were either directly related to me or to people within my immediate circle. during that time, i was so numbed by death’s visits that i wasn’t anymore surprised if one more bit the dust. gradually, death stopped visiting. until now...

just last week, two of my friends lost their parents and this morning, i woke up to an email from a close friend telling me she had just lose her younger son.

my heart goes out to them.

heart issues

i woke up 6.30am two days ago feeling very uncomfortable as my heart was racing for unknown reasons. it was beating very fast and very intensely. nonetheless, i made my way to work, had a quick cuppa and managed to settle into my desk by 8.30am. my heart continued pounding non-stop like a crazy runaway machine gun and i decided to check in to my company medical facility. 

after what seemed like a forever wait (which actually lasted only 7 min), i was put through an ecg - my resting heat rate was found to be 167 bpm and the ecg registered highly irregular rhythm. i was referred to the hospital er department immediately where another round of ecg and more tests followed. i was also put on intra-venous drip to hydrate my body and wired up to some machines to measure my heart rate. admittedly, many things did cross my mind - including stroke, coma, and death - during that moments when i was at the hospital. thankfully, things calmed down after lying in the critical care ward. the blood tests show normal thyroid functions, and kidney functions. similarly, the x-ray didn't show up anything nasty. was discharged by mid-day and given 3 days rest at home. for now, to await an appointment with the heart specialist. been told it might take a while.

yesterday, the doctor from my company clinic called up to check on the findings. although the heart palpitation has abated, she was concerned that the wait for the appointment with the hospital specialist might take too long and that i might not be able to take it if the situation flares up again. she referred me to the company panel specialist and by afternoon, i was put through a couple more tests. my heart rate has not stabilised and continued to be high. i was given some medication to slow the heart down so that they can put me through a proper ct scan to investigate further. for now, strictly no activities that would excite my heart - i.e. no running, no walking, no vigorous exercises, etc. and no caffeine drinks such as coffee, tea, coke or alcohol. and as much as possible, i have to lie down and sleep.

let's see how things go...

intense work environment

it had been a really intense month battling with work and people. work by itself was crazy and it was back to back with increasing intensity. to make it more challenging, there were new people in the larger team and there were new people in the larger organisation (as usual). but what made it worst was that the turnover involved rather senior members of the department. this added so much stress to the system as a change in senior people meant many mid-level people like myself had to cover, to support, etc etc etc. and this led to very high tension naturally. it exacted a difficult toll on people around cos there was absolutely no capacity to support additional requirements as everyone had their own respective very unrealistic kpis to focus on. for me, last week saw me hitting a huge wall... so much so that i had to call a stop to a meeting by the new person and walk out of it. i was so overwhelmed that i couldn't proceed further. in fact, i was so overwhelmed i threatened to resign on the spot, simply dropped everything and went home. called in to my boss to tell her i had gone home.  nonetheless, positively for me, i managed to deliver a major event earlier this month despite all the challenges. moving ahead, i have to deliver another 4-5 other major projects in the coming months.

wish me luck.

jurassic world: fallen kingdom

i enjoyed this show despite the, at times, irregular pace. i do also want to add that there were times where the logic didn't really flow well. then again, it was good fodder for the soul after a long hard week. and just like all other shows, after the novelty of things (in this case, dinosaurs), it ends up tackling concepts that are very human - greed.

go watch.

blood

after exactly 2 years, i’m bleeding again...

sighs...

"the" meeting

next week, singapore will host the highly anticipated meeting between two of the most famously spoiled kidults in the world. all the anticipation and all the hype... 

i'm actually quite tired of all these diplomatic games.

yawns.

solo: a star wars story

i particularly liked how this show brought everything about han solo together - his name, his early years, his views to things, how he met chewie and the underlying incidents that established the deep trust between them, how he got the spaceship (and how this linked the story back to the earlier movie empire), and why the ship was such a great navigator of the universe, etc.

nice!

hiv test

been almost a year since my last hiv test. went for another round this week. felt the need to do it and admittedly, this was the first time i actually did it on my own accord (my previous 2 times were done as part of a medical requirement due to employment/ recommended by doctor following a health check).

i decided to undergo the aht (anonymous hiv test) and did it at the clinic near my office. this time round, did the mouth swap test instead of blood test. the whole process was rather straight forward and the doctor was very nice about it. did the swap, waited for about 20 min before i went back into the consultation room. we chatted quite casually and i asked him about things related to say, prep, etc.  and interestingly, when i asked about the cost, he told me that many prefer to get the medication from overseas such as bangkok cos its a lot cheaper. from the mannerism and the way he spoke, i kinda also concluded the doctor was gay. made the whole transaction a lot easier.

and the results - clear/ negative.

being evil & being cheeky

i was having my favourite fish soup earlier and was enjoying the fish slices with small chilli padi (those hottest amongst the various chilli known locally), when an evil thought came to mind...

• if someone you don't fancy keep pestering you for sex... arrange to meet him, give him a blowjob, but just before that, eat chilli padi. and leave quickly.

on the other hand, 

• if you want to please and impress someone you really fancy, arrange to meet him, give him a blowjob, and just before that, chew some nice minty chewy gum. another thing you can do is, half fill your mouth with chilled water, then blow him (with the chilled water still in the mouth). repeat with your mouth filled with nice warm water. repeat as deemed fit.

ok, just some quick flashes of cheekiness.

of graduations & spiders...

i was at a beach resort, supposedly for a break (not too sure), but for some reasons, the purpose of why i was there became unclear cos there were training rooms in the resort and there were on-going training. and then it became a case where i was supposed to attend a graduation ceremony in one of the training room located at a block of units next to the resort. and then for some unknown reasons, i was supposed to bring along a spider (for that matter, a huge black tarantula-like spider) to the graduation. weird right? so, there i was, needing to catch a spider... i looked at the time, it was 9.55am. the graduation was to start at 10am. that means i have exactly 5min to catch a spider and to find my way to the graduation. i know i will be late cos it will take me time to catch a spider, and catching a spider that size would be difficult.

i was reminded that the spider in question could be found inside a nearby classroom and made my way there. there was an ongoing lesson and in order not to disturb the class, i tiptoed into the class. and as the spider was found near the ceiling, i had to climb up the wall. to do so, i had to use my fingers to cling onto the metal railings that (for some reasons) lined the wall. i climbed (like spiderman) and swung my body as i made my way around the corner of the ceiling and the wall (just like how spiderman would do). in no time, i found the big black spider and i quickly whipped out a plastic bag (actually it was the cling wrap - the type used to wrap sandwiches) and grab the spider. the spider struggled but my actions was too fast for it and in no time, i managed to contain it within the cling wrap.

with the spider finally caught, i quickly rushed to the graduation location. but things got tricky, the graduation room was no where to be found. and for some reasons, i had to take a bus to reach it. i knew i was terribly late for the graduation ceremony and it made it even more challenging for me cos (again, for some reasons), my boss will be at the graduation ceremony. a bus appeared and i boarded it. it was an interesting journey cos the bus (don't remember there was a driver) cut across hilly areas across mud tracks and grass patches and finally came to a housing estate. this, i was told, was where the graduation location was located. there were a few blocks of flats there. the exact location didn't matter. 

i checked the time and noted that it was already 10.15am. but i told myself - heck it! they cannot do anything about it cos i am the boss and i call the shots. nonetheless, it was not nice to be too late, and so i disembarked from the bus and ran and ran and ran towards the blocks of flat. for some reasons, the cling wrap (that contained the spider) came loose and the spider ran out! i panicked and tried to catch spider, but it dropped onto the ground and it quickly burrowed into the ground! there was no way for me to get to the graduation without the spider and i frantically dug the soil to look for it. when i eventually found the spider, it was wet (from the soil moisture) and half dead. 

for some reasons, someone was beside me and noted that what i dug out was not just the spider, but a whole lot of what appeared to be frog's eggs. that person asked what those egg-like things were and there was a sense of fear. i took a closer look and concluded that those were not eggs. they were papaya seeds. in fact, in digging out the spider from the ground, i had unearthed two holes where someone had previously buried a whole lot of papaya seeds. it was then that i realised there were quite a few papaya trees nearby. but it didn't matter. i needed to get the spider to the graduation ceremony. 

and i starting running towards the blocks of flats. what happened next was a blur. it seemed like as i ran, everything i carried dropped and fell onto the ground. and i had to frantically pick the things up as i rushed towards the block. next thing i knew, i was on a cement pavement between a few blocks of flats. i realised i didn't know the exact location of the graduation, but for some reasons, (i think i used google map), i was told i should go to this particular block number, and unit number. i looked up and the block was right in front of me. i walked towards it and there was a bright and shiny golden buddha figurine at the base of the block. the brightness was blinding and...

i woke up.

nsa

is there really such a thing as nsa fun? i asked myself this question cos to me, i think it is really difficult not to have lingering thoughts about the person you had fun (sex) with right? or for that matter, how can you really enjoy sex if there is absolutely no connections with the person at all. also, thinking of this question reminded me of another question - "is there such a thing as platonic relationship between two persons?".

just thinking aloud...

picture from https://gaysiandating.wordpress.com/tag/friends-with-benefits/

100-year life, wtf!

lots of talk about 100-year life at work and in a recent bbc report, i learned that life expectancy in singapore is the longest in the world. i took the survey and also learned that i could possibly life up to 85 years of age. the person posting it even celebrated this fact that singaporeans can live so long. but i asked myself - is this actually good? to me, this is actually a curse. the scene of captain american or deadpool lamenting that they cannot die despite wanting to came to mind.

for the most part of my life, i have lived and organised my life with the assumption that i will go when i reach mid-70s. using mid-70s as my expiry date, i am already almost 3/4 there. but with a 100-year lifespan, i am just halfway there. crazy and stressful right? that means all my assumptions were wrong, and now i have to work longer, get stuck in this rat race longer, live this miserable life longer, etc... all these doesn't make sense to me especially when i am ready to go anytime and hoping it can happen soon.

right vs wrong, good vs bad

i am clear about what's right vs what's wrong, and what's good vs what's bad. and regardless of circumstances, i have always done things right, until lately. shan't go into details but i decided to proceed with what i did, despite knowing it's wrong, because it satisfied my wants... and i have no regrets about it even if it kills me.

ok, shan't go further.

request: no comments for this post, please.

relieve

earlier this week, i read news that a 6-year old was pinned under a bus at choa chu kang estate and was fighting for his life. the report also mentioned there was a lot of blood under the bus and the civil defence chaps had to extricate him from under the rear wheels of the bus. this boy was apparently with his mother and was playing with his mobility device by the side of the road and he was ran over by a bus when he suddenly dashed out onto the road. 

from the description and the location, it struck me that there was a possibility that this could be my nephew - 6-year old boy, choa chu kang... my heart missed a beat and i got worried. then again, i told myself that if that boy were to be my nephew, i would just have to accept it as fate. whatever it was, i hoped it wasn't him. a couple of hours later, the developing news was updated and said that the boy had died. my heart sank further and i got really worried. i wanted to text my brother to confirm my nephew was ok but given what happened previously, i decided against it. 

a day later, the newspaper reported that the body had been collected by family members and will be flown back to india for the funeral. it was only then that i got the confirmation that it wasn't my nephew. i felt relieved and elated at the same time. then again, i felt guilty that i had actually felt happy that the boy who died was not my nephew. such emotions were very confusing. how could i possibly feel happy that death had befell another family instead. relieved, elated, guilt, all rolled into one.

death comes a-knocking

i had frequented the bedok south hawker centre since my schooldays and that was also the same place where i brought my mum for her breakfast weekly before she passed on. i have, over time, gotten to know the many store holders and they would chat with me whenever i went there for my meals. over the years, i have also witnessed stores changed hands a couple of times, store holders retiring, or taking a backseat as they let their children handle the stores. the frequency of such occurrences had increased over the last couple of years and i didn't bat an eyelid when the auntie of the coffee store stopped appearing, and when the vegetarian store changed hands. i only found out the reasons last week.

i was there during lunch on monday and as i was on vegetarian diet these two weeks, i decided to head there for my regular vegetarian meal. alas, it was closed and so i decided to simply eat 2 small buns (tau sar pao). as i ate, the bun seller came and sat with me and chatted. it was during this chat that i learned the coffee store auntie had died. it was a sudden death i was told. she was in her 60s and was healthy and one day, during a medical check up, she was told her white blood cell count was extremely high... her health deteriorated very quickly and she died within weeks. karma, the bun seller told me. this auntie had, for the longest time, refused to pay the $30 cleaning fee... and he went on and on about how she was the only one amongst all the hawkers who frequently find issues with people around her. i didn't engaged further nor asked anything further about this auntie. she had passed on and with her passing, we must let go of whatever grievances we had with them...

the topic drifted to how many stores had a change of owners since i first patronised the hawker center in the 80s, last being the vegetarian store. it was this juncture that the bun seller told me - fated. everything is fated, he said. i was a little surprise with this answer and asked further. it was then that i realised the changed of hand occurred cos the previous owner didn't want to carry on. his wife had died of heart attack one day. accordingly, she was serving some customers when she fainted. the owner, instead of attending to her immediately, asked his children to help her to the table to rest and carried on his business (because there were quite a few customers). the wife was only brought to the hospital one to two hours later. it was too late and she died that afternoon - the doctor who attended to her found that the heart pacer in her had malfunctioned and it was too late by the time she was brought to the hospital. she was 55 years old when she died. i am not sure what the main reason was for the store owner to stop his business, but i suspected guilt had something to do with it.

it was a surreal lunch for me. 

grindr fun

i had over time, gotten comfortable enough with myself to use my photo for my profile in grindr. and i do not shy away from telling people about me, my stats, etc (of cos, for my weight, i still put it a couple of kg lower...) heh... and i do not usually reach out to text people proactively. for the few who reached out to me, it mostly ended up with friendly chats. many stopped contacting after a while.

recently, i created a second account using another email. for this account, i remained incognito. i didn't put my photo, i didn't put too much info about myself. i created this account to have another view of who's around me cos there might be people i'd blocked or people who blocked me that could be nearby. i got many interesting insights from this account. anyway... i decided to have some fun last night and put something explicit and upfront in the profile last night. no, it's not any photos of private parts - grindr do not allow that. instead, i used the following photo:

and for my intro, i wrote "fit matters". i also changed the stats to suggest someone with a good height, lean/ toned and fit and for the profile details, here's what i wrote:

and guess what, within 6 hours, i have tons of messages coming in... several of them propositioning outright, and a few even send me pictures of their jewels... wow!

talking about it

i think i am depressed. i have been entertaining thoughts of suicide over the last couple of weeks. been feeling so overwhelmed by many things, top of the list being work. and things are just piling. i am increasingly finding myself avoiding making decisions, and acting on what i need to do. i recalled people in here (e.g sam, river, dazzah) telling me that acknowledging my depression is a good start, or for that matter, the fact that i recognise i am depressed meant i am not (or something along this line). they also said that the next thing is to be proactive and take steps to address it, go out, socialise, make friends, la la la... but frankly in my current state of mind, all these are theories. i have totally no motivation to do so. in fact, i am totally unmotivated to do anything, not even simple things like doing the claims for my biz travels. 

ok, i don't know how to go on with this post...

letting go

i had a long chat (via whatsapp) with my second sis about life and death and how we should live each  day as if it's our last, have our closures and let go of our attachments as often and as much as we can. she shared how worried she was when she found the lump, and how overwhelmed she felt. in the face of death, end of everything... these were some of the words she used as she related her thoughts over the course of waiting for the results. 

i took the opportunity to share with her my mum's dying process, how mum's health deteriorated over the last few days of her life, and the events that occurred on the very last day from the time i bade her goodbye when i left for work. i shared how about mum handled her impending death bravely and with full trust in me to let me take the necessary decisions. she accepted the finality of life and was fully at peace when i told her her kidney has failed. she passed away peacefully that evening. i also shared how i had, over the past 7-8 years, slowly prepared her for death by talking to her openly about it. it's been almost 3 years since her passing and i didn't realise how raw the emotions still are now. 

anyway, i shared about mum cos i wanted my sis to appreciate the importance of being able to let go.  i shared with her how i am ready to go, anytime, without regrets. from my observations, she's a very controlling person and didn't realise that her behaviour had contributed directly to the rebellious nature of her children. they are all adults now but she continues to treat them like kids. then again, maybe that's what all mothers are...

mastitis

i learned a new word this week - mastitis.

google search explains it as "inflammation of the mammary gland in the breast or udder, typically due to bacterial infection via a damaged nipple or teat".

that was the diagnosis for my second sis after the check-up. it's good news indeed. and the discovery of the lump and the whole process was something that should have shaken my sis, forced her to review her life's priorities and focus her attention on the now and not to sweat the small stuff. regrettably, it didn't. after realising that it's a false alarm, she went back to her old self.  many of her behaviours, in my opinion, were the cause of the breakdown of her relationship with her children and she refuse to see it that way after sharing with her my observations all these years.

then again, i can only advise so much. the teacher can only be present when the student is ready.

deadpool 2

i am not a violent person and generally i avoid violence as much as i possibly can. and for this very reason, when i watch deadpan 2, i found myself closing my eyes half the show. it was just that violent. imagine watching scenes where arms were chopped off, bodies got decapitated and heads rolled, bodies mutilated, blood splashed everywhere... there was even a scene that showed how deadpool’s body got blown apart from an exploding gas tank! seriously, such scenes freak me out. but don't get me wrong, deadpool 2 is actually quite a nice show (aside from the over the top violence). there were scenes that showed tender moments of love, grief, happiness, compassionate, etc. one must really be grounded in very strong values and know what is right and wrong to draw the right messages from this show.

it's definitely not for the kids, and if i may add, some adults too. 

catch up post...

been away from my blog for almost 2 months. have been very overwhelmed by life and work, particularly work. not so much life, cos with so much going on at work, there was absolutely no life. heh... but well, am managing... will not attempt to write everything, post by post, as what i had done previously. but here's a quick summary of what i've been up to/ events that affected me:

• a headhunter called me sometime end-march. referred by an ex-colleague. decided to just try out and check out the role. end up the hiring company was so wow-ed by my credentials that they are really pushing to hire me. spoke with my previous boss/ coach and she encouraged me to give it a go. she shared her observation that i was happiest when i was with my previous company. she's very sharp. i told the hiring company i will not consider moving anytime before end-june. currently handling some major project and think it is only right for me to complete this before i leave. 

• for now, i have just completed a personality test. the headhunter told me that they are ready to make me an offer. in addition, i was also told that they are ok to wait for me till august and have stopped interviewing any more candidates. so, it seemed like they are more or less fixed on me. i am, however, sticking to my line that i will not leave until after june due to a project. of cos, the other consideration, is that i will be receiving my bonus end-june. and i have been told i have been rated very well. so... i must at least get my bonus before i consider leaving.

• work was terrible. terrible. terrible. too many major projects at hand. almost one major project a month. delivering overseas program in april, completing one major audit and another major program locally in may, organising a regional summit in jun, complete a renovation project in july, a global learning event in august, and the list goes on... at least one major project each month and that means at any one time, i have 2-3 projects at hand, each at different stage of planning. and these are on top of many unrealistic kpi to meet by year end (i think i have 20 over of them). team is feeling the stress the the mood at work is getting really bad. 

• everyone seemed to be tripping over each other. not very pleasant. and it didn't help that my schedule is packed to the brim with meetings daily. and to think this is only the start of the fy... cannot believe it. i don't think i'm the only one feeling the stress. many of my colleagues in other departments are resigning one by one too. and added to the projects and unrealistic kpi, i am also now expected to now head up a new set up once the renovations is completed. to make it even more challenging, i am expected to run this new facility with only one new additional headcount. not possible at all in my opinion.

• to make things worst, i am having a lot of issues with the person that i recently recruited. took my almost 6 months to finally fill the position. the person filling it was someone whom had worked with me in my previous employment and who got along very well years ago.  but since joining me, i have lots of challenges. culture fit, differences in views and too keen to want to change things and refusing to work within the system. my appetite for new ideas too fast too sudden is very limited given the unrealistic kpi.

• amidst the heightened stress due to unrealistic kpi, work was also impacted by incompetent staff who cannot pull their weight, slip shot in their work and expect me to cover for them. my last straw was when i called one of the staff to settle some urgent tasks for me and in return, this staff told me to do it cos she's going home... had to call her up and counsel her the next day. not acceptable.

• sad to know that my favourite polar bear had to be put down. was such a huge affair when he was born in 1990 boxing day. was all excited when it happened. but all too soon, he's old and has lotsa old age-related health issues. when i read about the possibility of him being put down, i went to visit him before i left for my overseas trip. managed to catch him before he was eventually put down when i was overseas for my biz-trip. quite depressed by his passing.

• was away on a week-long biz trip to the states at the end of april. was terribly cold but things went rather smoothly. went to japan tokyo for a week after that and managed to recuperate there before coming home. bee went for the tokyo trip too. been a very long while since he could spend time with me on a trip.

• trip to tokyo was bad. we planned to spend a total of 7 days there. first 3-4 days was nothing but arguments and awkward silence. the place did not meet his expectations and he was disappointed. he was supposed to plan the itinerary but did nothing. so we ended up being rather spontaneous and just go to wherever we feel like going daily. it didn't help that it clashed with the golden week and everywhere we went were crowded.

• we planned to spend 7 days there but on the 6th day late morning, his mum called and said she had a fall. he booked an urgent flight home and i ended up spending the last evening by myself. well, i guess this last few hours was the space i needed although i did nothing but just walk around town, and purchased some personal effects from the local gay shop. realised i had been away myself so often that it felt different to be on holiday with him.

• on the home front, lots happened too. all the routine stuff and to do my dues as a son, and a grandson. commemorated qing ming (tomb sweeping day), visited and caught up with my aunt and her family, extended family dinner, etc. this, perhaps, was the only positive thing that happened over the last 2 months.

• on the friend front, haven't had any time to catch up with anyone at all apart from perhaps one or two impromptu dinners when our times match. i did, however, managed to coach a couple of ex-colleagues and friends in their job search process. changing jobs is not easy, especially when it comes to writing resumes, preparing for and going through interviews, and negotiating for pay. glad to see them find new jobs - better paying ones - after struggling through their current role in the company (my previous company). really happy for them. 

• have been succumbing to ill health pretty often lately. fell ill due to flu twice. and i find that i am taking a longer time than usual to recover these days. just last week, half way through the japan trip, i developed a terrible sore throat. it developed into a full blown flu and sinus when i landed back in singapore. was on mc on monday but had to work from home. struggled through the week and i am 80% recovered now. the nose is still terribly blocked and the cough is still quite bad. otherwise, the body aches and fever had gone. i suspect the work stress is creating havoc for me health-wise.

• i am really entertaining the thought of just dropping everything and quitting, especially now that i have an impending offer at hand. but on one hand, i feel like i am shirking my responsibility, yet on the other hand, i really think i want to be fair to myself. it's no point continuing and letting it affect my health. being able to deliver does not mean, and cannot mean, i can now deliver the sky, and more. and despite voicing out my concerns and displeasure, my boss just told me that i have no choice but to do it cos it is from the big boss.

• amidst all these, i received news quite a bit of news about my eldest sis and her family. firstly, she had had a new grandson. born in dec last year. also, she is suffering from cancer of the bone. not sure which stage, but she had undergone treatment since jan last year. she had kept it away from the rest of us. understand that she recently opened up to my brother (whom she is in contact with) and he now distant himself away from her. sad indeed. i have since contacted my brother-in-law and reach out to him if he needs any support. this is the burden of information. i now know, but have to pretend i do not know, and secretly reach out to my brother-in-law cos she is still not willing to talk to me.

• also received news that my second sis is undergoing further checks after finding a lump in her breast. biopsy on-going and she'll know whether its benign or malignant this coming week. another whammy for me to know of another person in the family being diagnose with something nasty. let's see how things go. we are all in our 50s. if things must happen, this is probably the time to happen...

this was just a quick summary of all the things that had been bugging me. of cos there are other less significant ones such as car breakdowns, repairs, etc. but it all adds up - totally exhausted. i have hardly any time for myself. and coupled with bee being so consumed by his own work, i do find myself being rather unhappy on the personal front. of cos, the usual weekly midnight shows continued, but it had become all too routine. so, yeah, nett nett - overwhelmed. 

should i drop everything and leave my job?