encore melaka

made a weekend trip with my friends to melaka to watch "encore melaka". was rather disappointed by the whole experience...

frankly, i think melaka is not ready for such a performance. the production was positioned and touted as a high-end performance that brings out the origins and culture of melaka. my friends and i decided to dress up for the performance - just like how we would do if it was a performance in the singapore esplanade or the sydney opera house.

i started feeling something was not right when we arrived. many were dressed very casually - in round neck t-shirt and berms. there were even a few who looked like they were dressed for the wet market. and we got the brunt of the bad behaviour when the show started and people starting clapping for no reasons. to make it worst, a lot of people in the audience whipped out their mobile and video-ed the performance throughout the show - and they didn't even dim their mobile lights! anyway... it was such a negative experience!

but to be fair, i must say the production started off really well. the visuals, the use of technology, the drums, the performers... it was really good. the story of melaka's origin was put across superbly! then everything went downhill after that. the depiction of the nonya and babas, and the re-enactment of the peranakan wedding was a huge disappointment. there was no grace in the nonya's movements, the behaviours of the bride and groom was anything but respectful. the whole segment came off very colourful but totally flat and inaccurate culturally. things got worst as the show progressed.

the whole unfolding of scenes were bad, the sound system was inconsistent - at times too loud, and at times, there were awkward silences.

new word

i learned a new word recently - barley som

possible new role

my big boss has asked me to consider a new role that she will be creating for the company. the job scope seemed rather interesting. but being a new role and that the things this role is required to undertake, i can expect it to be superbly challenging and stressful. ironically, my boss told me she highly recommended me for this role as she felt it would give my health (and heart) a break as my current job size is superbly huge.

i am supposed to give my big boss an answer this coming week. i am half inclined to accept it for simple reason that being a new role, i have the flexibility to shape it according to how i think it should be shaped. in perspective, i had already planned to resign by end of the year cos i really want  to prioritise my health over my work, and give myself a break. so, if this new role doesn't work out, i always have the option to resign.

you think?

miserable weekend

this weekend was rather miserable for me - had the holter's device hooked onto me (to monitor my heart rate), medical check ups, long duration of being alone, loads of work piling up (but i refused to work on it given that it's weekend), etc. saturday night was not easy. had insomnia, so many things in my mind - work, personal life, people, etc... did not sleep well, or for that matter, hardly slept at all through the night. woke up on sunday at 7am feeling groggy and sleepy (due to lack of sleep). went for breakfast and do my weekly routine visits to the cemetery. came back and crashed. had my dinner alone at the nearby eatery... think i'll sleep early. gonna be a long week ahead.

i have to be cheerful! it'll be a good week!

health update

my heart palpitations has gotten somewhat worse over the last two weeks. and during this period, i saw both consultants at the national heart center (nhc) as well as by my company's panel cardiologist. and more tests... both came to somewhat similar conclusion and recommendations:

• that my heart palpitations were most likely genetic in nature (my whole family has it); and
• that my stressful environment could have played a major role to trigger it off

i was advised against taking coffee, tea, alcohol, etc and put on medication to regulate my heart beat. the panel specialist gave me additional medication to thin my blood as he wanted to have the additional safeguard against possible stroke. also, both nhc and the panel cardiologist strongly urged me to consider undergoing ablation - a simple keyhole procedure to burn off the "malfunctioning" nerves in the heart. ablation, as explained, would be the best possible cure for my palpitations but of cos it carries with it a small percentage of risk. 

i think i'll go for it.

things getting even more intense

things are work are getting so much more intense now cos the many many projects are piling. everyone is getting really anxious about whats' to come in the coming months.  to give you a hint of the magnitude of what's coming up - at least 7-8 global events, almost non-stop back-to-back, and at least one that will involve inviting a ministerial-level guest. and my boss is feeling all so horrible to have to put me through these given my current state of health. then again, there is nothing she can do about it cos the planning have all been set in motion and the events announced.

wish me luck.

ant-man and the wasp

enjoyed this show tremendously. excited to see the end-credit and the show clip. looks like the next avengers movie is gonna weave this show and thanos together. so looking forward to it.

incredibles 2

after a decade since the release of the first incredibles, i was really looking forward to watch this. and despite the relatively slow start and somewhat uneven pace, i found the show to be really fun. and of cos the highlight of the show was the baby! such a cute boy! 

death a-calling again

once a while, you go through a period where death comes to many people around you. it happened to me in 2015/2016 where in the span of 7-8 months, i lost 7-8 people around me. these people were either directly related to me or to people within my immediate circle. during that time, i was so numbed by death’s visits that i wasn’t anymore surprised if one more bit the dust. gradually, death stopped visiting. until now...

just last week, two of my friends lost their parents and this morning, i woke up to an email from a close friend telling me she had just lose her younger son.

my heart goes out to them.

heart issues

i woke up 6.30am two days ago feeling very uncomfortable as my heart was racing for unknown reasons. it was beating very fast and very intensely. nonetheless, i made my way to work, had a quick cuppa and managed to settle into my desk by 8.30am. my heart continued pounding non-stop like a crazy runaway machine gun and i decided to check in to my company medical facility. 

after what seemed like a forever wait (which actually lasted only 7 min), i was put through an ecg - my resting heat rate was found to be 167 bpm and the ecg registered highly irregular rhythm. i was referred to the hospital er department immediately where another round of ecg and more tests followed. i was also put on intra-venous drip to hydrate my body and wired up to some machines to measure my heart rate. admittedly, many things did cross my mind - including stroke, coma, and death - during that moments when i was at the hospital. thankfully, things calmed down after lying in the critical care ward. the blood tests show normal thyroid functions, and kidney functions. similarly, the x-ray didn't show up anything nasty. was discharged by mid-day and given 3 days rest at home. for now, to await an appointment with the heart specialist. been told it might take a while.

yesterday, the doctor from my company clinic called up to check on the findings. although the heart palpitation has abated, she was concerned that the wait for the appointment with the hospital specialist might take too long and that i might not be able to take it if the situation flares up again. she referred me to the company panel specialist and by afternoon, i was put through a couple more tests. my heart rate has not stabilised and continued to be high. i was given some medication to slow the heart down so that they can put me through a proper ct scan to investigate further. for now, strictly no activities that would excite my heart - i.e. no running, no walking, no vigorous exercises, etc. and no caffeine drinks such as coffee, tea, coke or alcohol. and as much as possible, i have to lie down and sleep.

let's see how things go...

intense work environment

it had been a really intense month battling with work and people. work by itself was crazy and it was back to back with increasing intensity. to make it more challenging, there were new people in the larger team and there were new people in the larger organisation (as usual). but what made it worst was that the turnover involved rather senior members of the department. this added so much stress to the system as a change in senior people meant many mid-level people like myself had to cover, to support, etc etc etc. and this led to very high tension naturally. it exacted a difficult toll on people around cos there was absolutely no capacity to support additional requirements as everyone had their own respective very unrealistic kpis to focus on. for me, last week saw me hitting a huge wall... so much so that i had to call a stop to a meeting by the new person and walk out of it. i was so overwhelmed that i couldn't proceed further. in fact, i was so overwhelmed i threatened to resign on the spot, simply dropped everything and went home. called in to my boss to tell her i had gone home.  nonetheless, positively for me, i managed to deliver a major event earlier this month despite all the challenges. moving ahead, i have to deliver another 4-5 other major projects in the coming months.

wish me luck.

jurassic world: fallen kingdom

i enjoyed this show despite the, at times, irregular pace. i do also want to add that there were times where the logic didn't really flow well. then again, it was good fodder for the soul after a long hard week. and just like all other shows, after the novelty of things (in this case, dinosaurs), it ends up tackling concepts that are very human - greed.

go watch.

blood

after exactly 2 years, i’m bleeding again...

sighs...

"the" meeting

next week, singapore will host the highly anticipated meeting between two of the most famously spoiled kidults in the world. all the anticipation and all the hype... 

i'm actually quite tired of all these diplomatic games.

yawns.

solo: a star wars story

i particularly liked how this show brought everything about han solo together - his name, his early years, his views to things, how he met chewie and the underlying incidents that established the deep trust between them, how he got the spaceship (and how this linked the story back to the earlier movie empire), and why the ship was such a great navigator of the universe, etc.

nice!

hiv test

been almost a year since my last hiv test. went for another round this week. felt the need to do it and admittedly, this was the first time i actually did it on my own accord (my previous 2 times were done as part of a medical requirement due to employment/ recommended by doctor following a health check).

i decided to undergo the aht (anonymous hiv test) and did it at the clinic near my office. this time round, did the mouth swap test instead of blood test. the whole process was rather straight forward and the doctor was very nice about it. did the swap, waited for about 20 min before i went back into the consultation room. we chatted quite casually and i asked him about things related to say, prep, etc.  and interestingly, when i asked about the cost, he told me that many prefer to get the medication from overseas such as bangkok cos its a lot cheaper. from the mannerism and the way he spoke, i kinda also concluded the doctor was gay. made the whole transaction a lot easier.

and the results - clear/ negative.

being evil & being cheeky

i was having my favourite fish soup earlier and was enjoying the fish slices with small chilli padi (those hottest amongst the various chilli known locally), when an evil thought came to mind...

• if someone you don't fancy keep pestering you for sex... arrange to meet him, give him a blowjob, but just before that, eat chilli padi. and leave quickly.

on the other hand, 

• if you want to please and impress someone you really fancy, arrange to meet him, give him a blowjob, and just before that, chew some nice minty chewy gum. another thing you can do is, half fill your mouth with chilled water, then blow him (with the chilled water still in the mouth). repeat with your mouth filled with nice warm water. repeat as deemed fit.

ok, just some quick flashes of cheekiness.

of graduations & spiders...

i was at a beach resort, supposedly for a break (not too sure), but for some reasons, the purpose of why i was there became unclear cos there were training rooms in the resort and there were on-going training. and then it became a case where i was supposed to attend a graduation ceremony in one of the training room located at a block of units next to the resort. and then for some unknown reasons, i was supposed to bring along a spider (for that matter, a huge black tarantula-like spider) to the graduation. weird right? so, there i was, needing to catch a spider... i looked at the time, it was 9.55am. the graduation was to start at 10am. that means i have exactly 5min to catch a spider and to find my way to the graduation. i know i will be late cos it will take me time to catch a spider, and catching a spider that size would be difficult.

i was reminded that the spider in question could be found inside a nearby classroom and made my way there. there was an ongoing lesson and in order not to disturb the class, i tiptoed into the class. and as the spider was found near the ceiling, i had to climb up the wall. to do so, i had to use my fingers to cling onto the metal railings that (for some reasons) lined the wall. i climbed (like spiderman) and swung my body as i made my way around the corner of the ceiling and the wall (just like how spiderman would do). in no time, i found the big black spider and i quickly whipped out a plastic bag (actually it was the cling wrap - the type used to wrap sandwiches) and grab the spider. the spider struggled but my actions was too fast for it and in no time, i managed to contain it within the cling wrap.

with the spider finally caught, i quickly rushed to the graduation location. but things got tricky, the graduation room was no where to be found. and for some reasons, i had to take a bus to reach it. i knew i was terribly late for the graduation ceremony and it made it even more challenging for me cos (again, for some reasons), my boss will be at the graduation ceremony. a bus appeared and i boarded it. it was an interesting journey cos the bus (don't remember there was a driver) cut across hilly areas across mud tracks and grass patches and finally came to a housing estate. this, i was told, was where the graduation location was located. there were a few blocks of flats there. the exact location didn't matter. 

i checked the time and noted that it was already 10.15am. but i told myself - heck it! they cannot do anything about it cos i am the boss and i call the shots. nonetheless, it was not nice to be too late, and so i disembarked from the bus and ran and ran and ran towards the blocks of flat. for some reasons, the cling wrap (that contained the spider) came loose and the spider ran out! i panicked and tried to catch spider, but it dropped onto the ground and it quickly burrowed into the ground! there was no way for me to get to the graduation without the spider and i frantically dug the soil to look for it. when i eventually found the spider, it was wet (from the soil moisture) and half dead. 

for some reasons, someone was beside me and noted that what i dug out was not just the spider, but a whole lot of what appeared to be frog's eggs. that person asked what those egg-like things were and there was a sense of fear. i took a closer look and concluded that those were not eggs. they were papaya seeds. in fact, in digging out the spider from the ground, i had unearthed two holes where someone had previously buried a whole lot of papaya seeds. it was then that i realised there were quite a few papaya trees nearby. but it didn't matter. i needed to get the spider to the graduation ceremony. 

and i starting running towards the blocks of flats. what happened next was a blur. it seemed like as i ran, everything i carried dropped and fell onto the ground. and i had to frantically pick the things up as i rushed towards the block. next thing i knew, i was on a cement pavement between a few blocks of flats. i realised i didn't know the exact location of the graduation, but for some reasons, (i think i used google map), i was told i should go to this particular block number, and unit number. i looked up and the block was right in front of me. i walked towards it and there was a bright and shiny golden buddha figurine at the base of the block. the brightness was blinding and...

i woke up.

nsa

is there really such a thing as nsa fun? i asked myself this question cos to me, i think it is really difficult not to have lingering thoughts about the person you had fun (sex) with right? or for that matter, how can you really enjoy sex if there is absolutely no connections with the person at all. also, thinking of this question reminded me of another question - "is there such a thing as platonic relationship between two persons?".

just thinking aloud...

picture from https://gaysiandating.wordpress.com/tag/friends-with-benefits/

100-year life, wtf!

lots of talk about 100-year life at work and in a recent bbc report, i learned that life expectancy in singapore is the longest in the world. i took the survey and also learned that i could possibly life up to 85 years of age. the person posting it even celebrated this fact that singaporeans can live so long. but i asked myself - is this actually good? to me, this is actually a curse. the scene of captain american or deadpool lamenting that they cannot die despite wanting to came to mind.

for the most part of my life, i have lived and organised my life with the assumption that i will go when i reach mid-70s. using mid-70s as my expiry date, i am already almost 3/4 there. but with a 100-year lifespan, i am just halfway there. crazy and stressful right? that means all my assumptions were wrong, and now i have to work longer, get stuck in this rat race longer, live this miserable life longer, etc... all these doesn't make sense to me especially when i am ready to go anytime and hoping it can happen soon.

right vs wrong, good vs bad

i am clear about what's right vs what's wrong, and what's good vs what's bad. and regardless of circumstances, i have always done things right, until lately. shan't go into details but i decided to proceed with what i did, despite knowing it's wrong, because it satisfied my wants... and i have no regrets about it even if it kills me.

ok, shan't go further.

request: no comments for this post, please.

relieve

earlier this week, i read news that a 6-year old was pinned under a bus at choa chu kang estate and was fighting for his life. the report also mentioned there was a lot of blood under the bus and the civil defence chaps had to extricate him from under the rear wheels of the bus. this boy was apparently with his mother and was playing with his mobility device by the side of the road and he was ran over by a bus when he suddenly dashed out onto the road. 

from the description and the location, it struck me that there was a possibility that this could be my nephew - 6-year old boy, choa chu kang... my heart missed a beat and i got worried. then again, i told myself that if that boy were to be my nephew, i would just have to accept it as fate. whatever it was, i hoped it wasn't him. a couple of hours later, the developing news was updated and said that the boy had died. my heart sank further and i got really worried. i wanted to text my brother to confirm my nephew was ok but given what happened previously, i decided against it. 

a day later, the newspaper reported that the body had been collected by family members and will be flown back to india for the funeral. it was only then that i got the confirmation that it wasn't my nephew. i felt relieved and elated at the same time. then again, i felt guilty that i had actually felt happy that the boy who died was not my nephew. such emotions were very confusing. how could i possibly feel happy that death had befell another family instead. relieved, elated, guilt, all rolled into one.

death comes a-knocking

i had frequented the bedok south hawker centre since my schooldays and that was also the same place where i brought my mum for her breakfast weekly before she passed on. i have, over time, gotten to know the many store holders and they would chat with me whenever i went there for my meals. over the years, i have also witnessed stores changed hands a couple of times, store holders retiring, or taking a backseat as they let their children handle the stores. the frequency of such occurrences had increased over the last couple of years and i didn't bat an eyelid when the auntie of the coffee store stopped appearing, and when the vegetarian store changed hands. i only found out the reasons last week.

i was there during lunch on monday and as i was on vegetarian diet these two weeks, i decided to head there for my regular vegetarian meal. alas, it was closed and so i decided to simply eat 2 small buns (tau sar pao). as i ate, the bun seller came and sat with me and chatted. it was during this chat that i learned the coffee store auntie had died. it was a sudden death i was told. she was in her 60s and was healthy and one day, during a medical check up, she was told her white blood cell count was extremely high... her health deteriorated very quickly and she died within weeks. karma, the bun seller told me. this auntie had, for the longest time, refused to pay the $30 cleaning fee... and he went on and on about how she was the only one amongst all the hawkers who frequently find issues with people around her. i didn't engaged further nor asked anything further about this auntie. she had passed on and with her passing, we must let go of whatever grievances we had with them...

the topic drifted to how many stores had a change of owners since i first patronised the hawker center in the 80s, last being the vegetarian store. it was this juncture that the bun seller told me - fated. everything is fated, he said. i was a little surprise with this answer and asked further. it was then that i realised the changed of hand occurred cos the previous owner didn't want to carry on. his wife had died of heart attack one day. accordingly, she was serving some customers when she fainted. the owner, instead of attending to her immediately, asked his children to help her to the table to rest and carried on his business (because there were quite a few customers). the wife was only brought to the hospital one to two hours later. it was too late and she died that afternoon - the doctor who attended to her found that the heart pacer in her had malfunctioned and it was too late by the time she was brought to the hospital. she was 55 years old when she died. i am not sure what the main reason was for the store owner to stop his business, but i suspected guilt had something to do with it.

it was a surreal lunch for me. 

grindr fun

i had over time, gotten comfortable enough with myself to use my photo for my profile in grindr. and i do not shy away from telling people about me, my stats, etc (of cos, for my weight, i still put it a couple of kg lower...) heh... and i do not usually reach out to text people proactively. for the few who reached out to me, it mostly ended up with friendly chats. many stopped contacting after a while.

recently, i created a second account using another email. for this account, i remained incognito. i didn't put my photo, i didn't put too much info about myself. i created this account to have another view of who's around me cos there might be people i'd blocked or people who blocked me that could be nearby. i got many interesting insights from this account. anyway... i decided to have some fun last night and put something explicit and upfront in the profile last night. no, it's not any photos of private parts - grindr do not allow that. instead, i used the following photo:

and for my intro, i wrote "fit matters". i also changed the stats to suggest someone with a good height, lean/ toned and fit and for the profile details, here's what i wrote:

and guess what, within 6 hours, i have tons of messages coming in... several of them propositioning outright, and a few even send me pictures of their jewels... wow!

talking about it

i think i am depressed. i have been entertaining thoughts of suicide over the last couple of weeks. been feeling so overwhelmed by many things, top of the list being work. and things are just piling. i am increasingly finding myself avoiding making decisions, and acting on what i need to do. i recalled people in here (e.g sam, river, dazzah) telling me that acknowledging my depression is a good start, or for that matter, the fact that i recognise i am depressed meant i am not (or something along this line). they also said that the next thing is to be proactive and take steps to address it, go out, socialise, make friends, la la la... but frankly in my current state of mind, all these are theories. i have totally no motivation to do so. in fact, i am totally unmotivated to do anything, not even simple things like doing the claims for my biz travels. 

ok, i don't know how to go on with this post...

letting go

i had a long chat (via whatsapp) with my second sis about life and death and how we should live each  day as if it's our last, have our closures and let go of our attachments as often and as much as we can. she shared how worried she was when she found the lump, and how overwhelmed she felt. in the face of death, end of everything... these were some of the words she used as she related her thoughts over the course of waiting for the results. 

i took the opportunity to share with her my mum's dying process, how mum's health deteriorated over the last few days of her life, and the events that occurred on the very last day from the time i bade her goodbye when i left for work. i shared how about mum handled her impending death bravely and with full trust in me to let me take the necessary decisions. she accepted the finality of life and was fully at peace when i told her her kidney has failed. she passed away peacefully that evening. i also shared how i had, over the past 7-8 years, slowly prepared her for death by talking to her openly about it. it's been almost 3 years since her passing and i didn't realise how raw the emotions still are now. 

anyway, i shared about mum cos i wanted my sis to appreciate the importance of being able to let go.  i shared with her how i am ready to go, anytime, without regrets. from my observations, she's a very controlling person and didn't realise that her behaviour had contributed directly to the rebellious nature of her children. they are all adults now but she continues to treat them like kids. then again, maybe that's what all mothers are...

mastitis

i learned a new word this week - mastitis.

google search explains it as "inflammation of the mammary gland in the breast or udder, typically due to bacterial infection via a damaged nipple or teat".

that was the diagnosis for my second sis after the check-up. it's good news indeed. and the discovery of the lump and the whole process was something that should have shaken my sis, forced her to review her life's priorities and focus her attention on the now and not to sweat the small stuff. regrettably, it didn't. after realising that it's a false alarm, she went back to her old self.  many of her behaviours, in my opinion, were the cause of the breakdown of her relationship with her children and she refuse to see it that way after sharing with her my observations all these years.

then again, i can only advise so much. the teacher can only be present when the student is ready.

deadpool 2

i am not a violent person and generally i avoid violence as much as i possibly can. and for this very reason, when i watch deadpan 2, i found myself closing my eyes half the show. it was just that violent. imagine watching scenes where arms were chopped off, bodies got decapitated and heads rolled, bodies mutilated, blood splashed everywhere... there was even a scene that showed how deadpool’s body got blown apart from an exploding gas tank! seriously, such scenes freak me out. but don't get me wrong, deadpool 2 is actually quite a nice show (aside from the over the top violence). there were scenes that showed tender moments of love, grief, happiness, compassionate, etc. one must really be grounded in very strong values and know what is right and wrong to draw the right messages from this show.

it's definitely not for the kids, and if i may add, some adults too. 

catch up post...

been away from my blog for almost 2 months. have been very overwhelmed by life and work, particularly work. not so much life, cos with so much going on at work, there was absolutely no life. heh... but well, am managing... will not attempt to write everything, post by post, as what i had done previously. but here's a quick summary of what i've been up to/ events that affected me:

• a headhunter called me sometime end-march. referred by an ex-colleague. decided to just try out and check out the role. end up the hiring company was so wow-ed by my credentials that they are really pushing to hire me. spoke with my previous boss/ coach and she encouraged me to give it a go. she shared her observation that i was happiest when i was with my previous company. she's very sharp. i told the hiring company i will not consider moving anytime before end-june. currently handling some major project and think it is only right for me to complete this before i leave. 

• for now, i have just completed a personality test. the headhunter told me that they are ready to make me an offer. in addition, i was also told that they are ok to wait for me till august and have stopped interviewing any more candidates. so, it seemed like they are more or less fixed on me. i am, however, sticking to my line that i will not leave until after june due to a project. of cos, the other consideration, is that i will be receiving my bonus end-june. and i have been told i have been rated very well. so... i must at least get my bonus before i consider leaving.

• work was terrible. terrible. terrible. too many major projects at hand. almost one major project a month. delivering overseas program in april, completing one major audit and another major program locally in may, organising a regional summit in jun, complete a renovation project in july, a global learning event in august, and the list goes on... at least one major project each month and that means at any one time, i have 2-3 projects at hand, each at different stage of planning. and these are on top of many unrealistic kpi to meet by year end (i think i have 20 over of them). team is feeling the stress the the mood at work is getting really bad. 

• everyone seemed to be tripping over each other. not very pleasant. and it didn't help that my schedule is packed to the brim with meetings daily. and to think this is only the start of the fy... cannot believe it. i don't think i'm the only one feeling the stress. many of my colleagues in other departments are resigning one by one too. and added to the projects and unrealistic kpi, i am also now expected to now head up a new set up once the renovations is completed. to make it even more challenging, i am expected to run this new facility with only one new additional headcount. not possible at all in my opinion.

• to make things worst, i am having a lot of issues with the person that i recently recruited. took my almost 6 months to finally fill the position. the person filling it was someone whom had worked with me in my previous employment and who got along very well years ago.  but since joining me, i have lots of challenges. culture fit, differences in views and too keen to want to change things and refusing to work within the system. my appetite for new ideas too fast too sudden is very limited given the unrealistic kpi.

• amidst the heightened stress due to unrealistic kpi, work was also impacted by incompetent staff who cannot pull their weight, slip shot in their work and expect me to cover for them. my last straw was when i called one of the staff to settle some urgent tasks for me and in return, this staff told me to do it cos she's going home... had to call her up and counsel her the next day. not acceptable.

• sad to know that my favourite polar bear had to be put down. was such a huge affair when he was born in 1990 boxing day. was all excited when it happened. but all too soon, he's old and has lotsa old age-related health issues. when i read about the possibility of him being put down, i went to visit him before i left for my overseas trip. managed to catch him before he was eventually put down when i was overseas for my biz-trip. quite depressed by his passing.

• was away on a week-long biz trip to the states at the end of april. was terribly cold but things went rather smoothly. went to japan tokyo for a week after that and managed to recuperate there before coming home. bee went for the tokyo trip too. been a very long while since he could spend time with me on a trip.

• trip to tokyo was bad. we planned to spend a total of 7 days there. first 3-4 days was nothing but arguments and awkward silence. the place did not meet his expectations and he was disappointed. he was supposed to plan the itinerary but did nothing. so we ended up being rather spontaneous and just go to wherever we feel like going daily. it didn't help that it clashed with the golden week and everywhere we went were crowded.

• we planned to spend 7 days there but on the 6th day late morning, his mum called and said she had a fall. he booked an urgent flight home and i ended up spending the last evening by myself. well, i guess this last few hours was the space i needed although i did nothing but just walk around town, and purchased some personal effects from the local gay shop. realised i had been away myself so often that it felt different to be on holiday with him.

• on the home front, lots happened too. all the routine stuff and to do my dues as a son, and a grandson. commemorated qing ming (tomb sweeping day), visited and caught up with my aunt and her family, extended family dinner, etc. this, perhaps, was the only positive thing that happened over the last 2 months.

• on the friend front, haven't had any time to catch up with anyone at all apart from perhaps one or two impromptu dinners when our times match. i did, however, managed to coach a couple of ex-colleagues and friends in their job search process. changing jobs is not easy, especially when it comes to writing resumes, preparing for and going through interviews, and negotiating for pay. glad to see them find new jobs - better paying ones - after struggling through their current role in the company (my previous company). really happy for them. 

• have been succumbing to ill health pretty often lately. fell ill due to flu twice. and i find that i am taking a longer time than usual to recover these days. just last week, half way through the japan trip, i developed a terrible sore throat. it developed into a full blown flu and sinus when i landed back in singapore. was on mc on monday but had to work from home. struggled through the week and i am 80% recovered now. the nose is still terribly blocked and the cough is still quite bad. otherwise, the body aches and fever had gone. i suspect the work stress is creating havoc for me health-wise.

• i am really entertaining the thought of just dropping everything and quitting, especially now that i have an impending offer at hand. but on one hand, i feel like i am shirking my responsibility, yet on the other hand, i really think i want to be fair to myself. it's no point continuing and letting it affect my health. being able to deliver does not mean, and cannot mean, i can now deliver the sky, and more. and despite voicing out my concerns and displeasure, my boss just told me that i have no choice but to do it cos it is from the big boss.

• amidst all these, i received news quite a bit of news about my eldest sis and her family. firstly, she had had a new grandson. born in dec last year. also, she is suffering from cancer of the bone. not sure which stage, but she had undergone treatment since jan last year. she had kept it away from the rest of us. understand that she recently opened up to my brother (whom she is in contact with) and he now distant himself away from her. sad indeed. i have since contacted my brother-in-law and reach out to him if he needs any support. this is the burden of information. i now know, but have to pretend i do not know, and secretly reach out to my brother-in-law cos she is still not willing to talk to me.

• also received news that my second sis is undergoing further checks after finding a lump in her breast. biopsy on-going and she'll know whether its benign or malignant this coming week. another whammy for me to know of another person in the family being diagnose with something nasty. let's see how things go. we are all in our 50s. if things must happen, this is probably the time to happen...

this was just a quick summary of all the things that had been bugging me. of cos there are other less significant ones such as car breakdowns, repairs, etc. but it all adds up - totally exhausted. i have hardly any time for myself. and coupled with bee being so consumed by his own work, i do find myself being rather unhappy on the personal front. of cos, the usual weekly midnight shows continued, but it had become all too routine. so, yeah, nett nett - overwhelmed. 

should i drop everything and leave my job?

movies

have watched too many movies during the last 2 months... lol...

• rampage
• ready player one
• avengers: infinity war
• the 8-year engagement (in the plane)
• the story of ito (in the plane)
• the lion (in the plane)
• isle of dogs

i think there are a couple more... but hehe, i cannot remember them all.

parent’s place

miss the feeling of having a parent's place to go home to, for dinner, for a rest, to be taken care of and a place where i can savour the familiar surroundings and smell of my childhood...

donations

have you ever experienced moments where you really want to help people? and i am not referring to those acts of kindness when you see people in difficult situations such as when they tripped, or when they dropped something. i am referring to moments where you felt the need to give back, be it in donations or in volunteering of your services, etc. i have.

i received a neck massager as a birthday gift two years ago from my ex colleagues. while i thanked them for it, the first thought that came to my mind was that elderly people in the rehabilitation center would probably need it more than me. i had wanted to donate this to the center since but had been too lazy to make the trip. couple with the fact that i had not made any donations lately, i felt the need to do it for the lunar new year, although admittedly it is a little late. but i supposed it’s better late than never. so i made a trip to the elderly rehabilitation center this week. felt good to be back there. this was the center that mum visited daily for 3 years before she passed on. it was nice that quite a few of the staff remembered me and called out to me. i called on the center manager and made a donation as well as handed over the neck massager. we chatted and i learned that the center's enrolment had increased. 

felt good to be able to help them. most importantly, i hope my little contribution can help improve the care for the elderlies.

car servicing

i send my car for servicing last weekend. i had kept to the same service center since i bought this second hand car 3 years ago. thing is - in the first year, due to insurance obligations, i had to use this service company. it is no longer an obligation now but i continued going back to the same center out of habit. while the service is generally ok, i did notice that my car tend to have some form of issues after each servicing. it's almost like the issue was planted so that i need to go back for some follow up. and this was what happened last week.

it was a normal routine servicing - change filter, check oil, change oil if need be, etc. i had also asked for a tyre rotation and a top up of the air con gas. as usual, i got a call from the service agent informing me of additional things. this time round he said that to top up the air con gas, they need to dismantle this and that and thus would incur extra cost. it amazed me why they needed to dismantle the air con unit but told him to proceed nonetheless after he explained all sorts of things that i didn't understand. when i arrived at the service center, the agent told me that my spark plugs were wet and said that the xxx and yyy of the engine (technical terms are beyond me) were leaking and needed to be changed. the implication of not changing would be that eventually my car will have a lot of vibrations and would eventually breakdown. nonetheless, he added that he needed to order the spare parts and time was needed. he suggested i could either leave the car for the repairs or i could return another day for the repairs to be done. i told him to go ahead and place the order and i'll return at a more convenient time.

since that day, my car started experiencing vibrations - something that i never have before that servicing. i ignored it and told myself i'll head back to the service center when appropriate. then yesterday, as i drove home from work, my car stalled when i braked at a junction near my place. while i managed to start the car and drove on, the stalling repeated whenever i braked, with the last happening when i parked my car in my residence car park.

this morning i decided to have my car towed to another service center for an assessment. i explained to the agent what happened and added all the things the previous service center told me - spark plugs wet, possible leakage etc. this service center did a check and after about 3 hours told me they could not find any issues. i asked if the issue was related to the spark plugs or possible leakage, he said no, there was absolutely nothing wrong with the xxx and yyy of the engine. but with what i experienced, he suggested that a possible cause was 2 other smaller things (once again technical terms are beyond me). he explained that these are the key ones that mainly cause engine stalling. nonetheless, their checks suggested that these 2 parts were ok, apart from being a little old. he said that i could either leave my car as it is or to change that 2 parts. he iterated that changing the parts would be more preventive than anything else cos these items seemed ok. nonetheless, to help me decide, he will check on the pricing of the items.

after considering the fact that this car is 8 years old and had not had any issues, i told him to go ahead. what i am not pleased about was that fact that i had been advised wrongly by the first service center. won't go back to them again.

secondary smokers

the irony of restricting smokers to specific designated areas in eating places is that if the wind blows the wrong way, everyone becomes secondary smokers. i am a strong advocate of not smoking and having designated smoking areas. but i sometimes wonder the wisdom of having designated smoking areas in open spaces, if we don't supplement it with additional measures like mandating the need for such food operators to have a fan to blow the smoke away from non-smokers.

小强 (little strong)

once a blue moon, i do find one or two cockroaches in my house. usually, this happens in my bathroom. and when this happens, i will catch them and throw them out of my window. i don't ever want to harm them, much less kill them.

couple of weeks back, i saw one fully grown one in my room, just outside my toilet. it ran off when i tried to catch it and hid behind my book shelf. and since then, i had had this cockroach smell coming out of the sink in my toilet. the smell was particularly strong when i bend down to wash my face. i suspected the same cockroach had migrated (i assume it's the same one) into the toilet and now resides there. my suspicion was confirmed last week when i spotted this cockroach on my vanity top. once again, i couldn't catch it as it ran into the crevice before i could even do anything. after that, i started seeing cockroach droppings on my sink every morning.

feeling disturbed and not wanting to allow it to multiply, i decided to purchase a cockroach trap. most traps come with some sort of adhesive/ poison and work by killing them, something that goes against my principle of not killing. but there was one i found that merely trap them without killing them. it is even reuseable! of cos, i happily bought it, and set it up by placing some potato chips in the trap before deploying it on my sink. that was over the last weekend. i would excitedly check it every morning but there was none...

then this morning, to my pleasant surprise, i found one! alas, and to my worst fears, this was not the one i had hoped to catch. it has no wings - that means it is a young cockroach, not the one i saw. this could only mean my room has more than one cockroach! omg! anyway, i left it in the trap and headed off to work. let's hope its presence in the trap attracts others to come out. will continue to monitor the trap over the next couple of days. hopefully more appears.

:-)

ps: till this day, i still don't really understand why we refer to the cockroach affectionately as "小强" (little strong). 

red sparrow

omg! this must be one of my top show for 2018! 

wait, 2018 just started. anyway, yeah, i thoroughly enjoyed this show. i think i've been overdosed with cartoons and superhero movies recently, so much so that when a movie such as the red sparrow appeared, it simply blew me off! i have not watched any thrillers for a long while and truth be told, i didn't actually planned to watch this show. 

it was a sunday evening and i was bored. and i recalled receiving a text from "river" saying that i should watch it. i googled and read up a little about the storyline and that was it. i walked into the cinema, expecting a thriller about a dancer turned spy, a show with nudity, sex, violence and a lot of torture and gore. but what made me sat up through the show was the many twists and turns to the plot, all the way until the end. can't wait for the next 2 parts!

bravo!

peter rabbit

i am not too familiar with the peter rabbit story. all i know is that it is a story about a rabbit family and is written by someone in uk called beatrix potter a century ago. when i visited windermere almost 20 years ago, i was told that that was peter rabbit country as it was there that the story originated. 

so when i watched the movie last night, i didn't know what to expect. i had imagined it would be a story for kids - where everything would be very prim and proper and that there would be many moralistic lessons and kiddish jokes. it didn't turn out that way. it was a very adult show. peter rabbit could very well be another human adult in the story and the story would still developed the same. in the show, peter, as a rabbit, had very human traits and emotions, and behaved every bit like a human. we see jealousy, love, hatred, revenge, lies, death, etc... all being displayed by the rabbit. weird right? but well, as in many shows, i went with the flow and just savoured the moment. and of cos, i enjoyed the animation. it was really good to see all the details of the fur, the expressions, etc. rather well done, i thought.

and so, despite the awkward beginning, i thought the show was not that bad.

embarrassing moment

it is still a long way to the year end, but i suspect this incident that i am about to share would go down as the most embarrassing incident for this year, and if not, for the decade. now try to think of the following context/ situation:

• my phone whatsapp default setting was to downloard images received automatically. so, although i tend to delete images i receive mostly without even opening them, i often do end up with images in my photo albums that are foreign to me cos they were downloaded automatically.

• i have chat groups of close friends or ex-staff who, at times, share very raunchy photos. one such example was last friday when a friend texted me in the morning with an image of a mesh g-string underwear. he told me excitedly that he had wanted to purchase such an underwear and finally got to do it. he shared further that he was worried if he was sufficiently well-endowed to fill the cup of the g-string.

now, this was what happened. 

i had organised a lunar new year gathering for my department and had invited my boss. she (my boss is a "she") had informed me prior that she couldn't attend and had send her apologies. so during the dinner, we had the traditional chinese lou hei. and i took several photos showing how we toss the raw fish salad. i proceeded to excitedly send the images to her. as i attached the image, i noted one particular image icon that didn't look familiar. and curious me clicked on it without thinking nor realising i was in the "attached image" mode. i clicked too fast and it got send to my boss. once it got send, and to my horrors, the image of my friend's jewel (yes, read - cock) in the half-filled mesh g-string pouch appeared! apparently, he had send the message to me as i was sending images to my boss and the photo got downloaded automatically!

at that very moment, my instinct was to delete it off from the chat thread with my boss. but i fumbled cos my hands were trembling. and in that state, you know how challenging it was to press and get a "delete" to delete message in whatsapp... and to make it even more challenging, i noted my boss was "online" as i struggled... omg! it took me a few seconds to finally delete it. and i quickly send a message to her to apologise for the picture, as i had been spammed. she didn't reply after that (which was very unusual), and she kept quiet through the whole weekend (which was superbly unusual). i was so embarrassed by this whole incident and worried if she thought i was sexually harassing her! first thing i did when i went to office after the weekend was to head right up to her office and apologise to her and told her how embarrassed i was!

she claimed she did not see the photo and even gamely took out her whatsapp thread with me to show me that particular "deleted" message. and then, she added that that even if she did, she's cool about it cos at her age, she'd be a grandmother if her children marry early, and thus there're not many things she had not already seen. i was like... errrr... of cos, i apologised profusely again and excused myself. something in me told me she saw the pic and was basically pretending not to have seen it. of cos, i was thankful she provided me an exit to this whole embarrassing incident.

black panther

this was such a pleasant show to watch at many levels. i got to see african culture (as real as it gets), a near complete african/ african descent cast, predominantly woman in powerful roles (apart from the two male leads), scenes similar to lotr, avatar, narnia, etc etc etc... what more can i say right? watched it before cny and watched it again over the last weekend. yeah, i am one of those who watched this show twice and boosted the ticket sales for the film.

a must watch show.

monkey king 3

you know the film is trying too hard when you walk out of the cinema feeling like you've been cheated. well, cheated not necessarily because the show was not good. but rather, the story of the monkey king has been well documented, told and retold. after all, it is one of the four great chinese classics and celebrated for its creativity. but in this adaptation, a new storyline was used. it's a story that is foreign to many and while it is not necessarily a bad thing, the inclusion of many into-the-face lame characters and scenes made certain parts of the show quite painful to watch. then again, one will be able to better enjoy the movie if one were to take a step back and take a philosophical look at it. but frankly, who would do such a thing normally?

:-)

weird dreams

i had a series of weird dreams last night... and as in all dreams, i cannot recall most parts except that a lot of things happened through the dream. nonetheless, there were 2 parts that i recalled quite vividly - one of which involved a car, a bright red car and another a doll. here're the details...

this was towards the end of my "dreamful" night. i was driving this car and as i drove, i had to navigate a lot of twists and turns and the road was at times bumpy and at times so narrow that i had to squeeze my way through it. interestingly, the car was also quite magical as it was able to squeeze through tight gaps. i recalled there was one particular part of the road where its width was just about as wide as my car, and that there was a hump slightly off the center-right of the road. both sides of the road was rather steep and dropped rather vertically (not sure to where though). as my car approach this hump, for some reason, i was able to squeeze between the hump and the side of the road without dropping off... and... the scene changed.

that the end of the dream involves an animated character, or rather, not an animated character per se, but a real life character that resembles a plastic doll. it was white in colour and looked like a flat marshmallow man, or a gingerbread man. and it was certainly a rather irritating character for some reasons - possibly its looks or its behaviour (cannot recall exactly what behaviour). and in my dream, i was trying very hard to get rid of it, or at least keep it out of my sight. i tried all means - by hitting it, throwing it away, etc, but i simply couldn't. at one point, i even took a gun and shoot it. the gunshot went though the leg (i recalled left leg). a gunshot hole was created and water started pouring out of this hole. nonetheless, it continued to make faces at me, dance around and got me even more irritated. and a voice rang out - perhaps the issue is me myself, and to solve the issue is to stop feeling irritated by this doll... embrace it.

i woke up after that... 4am. darned, a timing that was neither here nor there.

but yeah, that was my "dreamful" night.

lny overseas

i spend my lunar new year in hong kong again this year.

told myself that no matter what, i will be away before daybreak on the first day of lunar new year. the flight out was 6.05am and i had to check in at 4am. everything went smoothly. took a one-hour nap after the midnight movie and managed to get a grab to the airport. surprised that people actually operate at that time of the morning. and it was the usual drill - arrived at the airport, checked in, cleared the immigration, change to hkd, eat something light and board the aircraft. the flight itself was all too routine for me, and it was a good time to catch up with some sleep before i arrive at hong kong.

having been to hong kong so many times before, this time round, i decide to just not plan anything and take things as it comes. and so, i took my time and wondered around the airport after i landed. had a plate of fried rice, got myself a sim-card/ prepaid phone number... ya, all the mundane stuff, except that i did all these with a relaxed mind as i savour in the new year mood there. hopped onto a bus that took me to somewhere unfamiliar and i had to hop onto the mtr to get to my hotel! i had booked a new hotel that i had never stayed before and managed to check in by 2pm, after wondering around for almost 5-hours! and after checking in, decided to just watch tv and relax in bed. uneventful day chatting with friends over the phone and taking a walk at the night market. hong kong is really a place that never sleeps. it was ever so crowded, even on lny. 

day two was just as uneventful. but i decided to pay a visit to the temples. visited the ten thousand buddha temple (man fatt tze) at sha tin and the tian tan buddha at ngong ping, not too bad a visit. visiting temples is a must for me during the new year period. and i make sure i do the same even if i were overseas. and as for day three, i simply stayed in my room at watch the tv, well, apart from heading out to the nearby library cafe for a carbonara and later in the evening to the nearby shop for a quick beef noodle! but yes, that was what i did. it might sound superbly crazy to head overseas and then to spend a whole day in the room watching tv, and to me, it was exactly this absolute lack of pressure to do what i don't want to do that makes travelling alone such a pleasure. 

the 4-day getaway ended in no time. very restful, very uneventful. and despite bringing my laptop and work phone, i did not even turned them on. had told my boss i will stand by to clear work and work on my slides if there's a need as the annual approval of my department's workplan will occur this coming week and everyone's jittery about it. thankfully my proposals had been cleared just before the new year but just in case, i promised i'll be on standby.

time to prepare myself mentally to get back to work tomorrow.

开工大吉!

新狗年快乐

今年我在香港过年。祝大家一个快乐的大肥年！

:-)

2 shows

it was lunar new year eve and everyone had gone home for their reunion dinner. for myself, i had joined my aunt for a reunion lunch and was not about to feel sorry for myself for not having a reunion dinner. so... i went for movies! two shows in a row! and it was after i booked my flight and hotel for a trip to hong kong! 

:-)

overseas... or not?

i have yet to find a good place to head to for this lunar new year period. have went away for the last years and wanted to do the same this year cos i have not gotten over the whole thing about not spending the new year with mum.

anyway, i had initially wanted to go to hong kong but the hotel rates are simply too high! imagine this - for a small 10m2 room that i usually pay s$70 a night, it is going at 3 times the price now. crazy. i might just stay in singapore this year... it's probably time for me to get over the mum thing. but for now, i'll just continue to search.

haiz.

shape of water

watched this last night. the whole production was really beautiful.

it was funny how after the show, i googled about the guy who played to role of the amphibian man and found out that he has a history of playing all these weird amphibian characters. heh...

jumanji: welcome to the jungle

frankly speaking, i didn't expect anything too much for this show, considering it also starred the rock (i think he's called "the rock")... whatever. i'm not a huge fan of the guy (as you can see). lol! but the show turned out more interesting that i thought. and i actually enjoyed it quite a bit.

the post

watched this show sometime back. very powerful performances by both tom hank and meryl streep in this show. really enjoyed it.

missing my dog

i miss sapphie...

my ns - overview

i was enlisted into the army and was posted to infantry training depot (itd) for my basic military training (bmt). that was in tekong. mar 1985. i was posted to lion company, platoon 41 section 3 bed 5. 

 after my bmt, i landed in officer cadet school (ocs). i was in the 2/85 iocc batch and served my 9 months as a cadet in echo company, platoon 15. section 1. bed 9 (i was the only one to retain this room from junior to senior term). ocs was hell. i wouldn't go through it again if i had a choice. but it certainly holds a lot of good memories for me. how we were tekan-ed. how we were stripped of all our dignity from the start, go through 9 months of hell and emerged as young officers. 

following my ocs, i was posted to infantry training depot (itd) as a platoon commander (pc). itd trains recruits and i was the pc for platoon 26, gryphon company - the siao on company. took two batches of recruits before assuming the concurrent appointment of company 2nd-in-charge (2ic). after my company tactics and basic intelligence course, i was posted back to itd as a project officer in the headquarters until i went for my uni studies in jul 87. 

well, the following links elaborates the details of each stage of my nsf days...

• 1985 - my bmt 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (1) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (2) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (3) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (4) 
• 1986 - 2/85 iocc (5)
• 1985 - 1986 - my ocs songs
• 1986 - 1987 - completing my ns