easily agitated

i find myself very easily agitated these days. i would lose my cool very quickly. just today, i lost my temper with my mum's doctor. within split seconds of talking to her, i was already scolding her. shan't go into details, but yes, that was how fast my mood can change. but somehow i am not too bothered about it. in fact, i am a little enjoying it cos i can feel and sense people getting a little wary of me now. i am rather different from my usual mr nice and cool persona that i have projected so far...

and in a huge way, by being a nice guy, i always end up getting taken advantage of, people don't place any sense of urgency when they do things for me... it's like aiyah, don't worry la, if wrong, boss won't scold one... he no anger one... so... yup, now at least people seemed a little more careful around me.

and i am enjoying it somewhat.

:-)

new readers from up north

recently, from the comments i recieved, i concluded i had a couple of new readers from my neighbouring country up north - malaysia. visited their blogs and found them pretty interesting! not a habit of mine per se, but yup, it's nice to read other people's blogs once a while. somehow, it kinda gave me a peek into other people's lives. and reading what they wrote gave me a glimpse of what they saw, felt and experienced in their lives...

nice. interesting. many things they wrote resonates with me. the encounters, the relationships, the ups and downs, the happiness, the frustrations, etc... and it also struck me how similar we are, altho we are from different side of the causeway. and hmmm... and while i skimmed through their writings and reading the comments in their blogs, i realized - i am probably twice their age! hahaha! made me feel so old suddenly...

:-)

negotiating higher pay

it was something i had wanted to do for a while now. i have always felt i was underpaid. and the market surveys i looked up all suggested so too. but i didn't know how to go about doing it. i didn't know how to open my mouth. and last night, while having drinks with some friends, we spoke about it and lp shared with me how she did it... go straight to the point. ask what they expect of you, then tell them that "hey, this is the market rate. you want me to do all these things, then my efforts need to be justified..."

sounds easy enough.

but really, it is damned difficult...

hmmm...

alone

have been alone last few days since bee went over the bkk. and in the last few days, i have watched so much porn, i got a little tired of it... heh heh... hmmm... and at this rate i am going, i am gonna end up being branded as a person with psychological problems, loner and prone to suicide... and i can bet people will say - see! i tell u, gay men are all sex crazed, mental people... hahaha!

glad the weekend has been a restful one!

:-)

withdrawal symptoms?

well, it's close to six pm now. and all of a sudden, i felt a little disoriented. for the past month, my routine at this time was to visit the hospital to accompany my mum. it had become my daily routine. my mum was discharged this morning. and now, suddenly, i fell a little lost...

haha... withdrawal symptoms... or... no la. just a change in routine...

a good change i must say...

:-)

western pureland

was having drinks with my, lp and lk last evening. we were talking about lots of things in life and somehow the topic drifted to buddhism and the hungry ghost festival. and i shared my views about ullambama and how the seventh month is supposed to be a good month instead of a bad month. and there were some differences in views about how buddhism views this month. i was trying to explain how buddhism in china had evolved to the point where many buddhistic practises and china culture became intertwine.

well, my had many differences in views. i couldn't help but felt a little uncomfortable with how my tried to defend his views that hungry ghost festival is part of buddhist rituals... along the way, issues of taoism, confusianism, chinese history came in. anyway, i shared with him my views of things. he said some of my views are very extreme and out of the world (well, i cannot recall the exact words he used). the way he said it made it sound like i was very unorthodox and very wrong. i didn't respond except that i suggested that perhaps he can read up more. i was not about to defend myself. there are just too many possible views about buddhism and everyone is entitled to his views about it.

the topic went around several issues too and one of which was about pure land buddhism. he went on to insist that buddha had himself spoke about pure land buddhism. well, i did not know enough to go further except that perhaps buddha did, but to me, regardless of which buddhism, all are the same to me. and i shared that perhaps concepts of pure land buddhism took shape after buddha's passing and evolved as part of the mahayana tradition. he insisted that pure land buddhism is the best amongst all and that is the surest and shortest way to nirvana. he claimed that even buddha said so. i did not rebutt. but to me, there is no best or less best buddhism. all are different ways to attain elightenment. also, i don't believe there is a surest and shortest way. but well, i chose to agree to disagree.

i left the conversation at that. i suggested that if he could afford the time, he should attend the courses at the temple to find out more.

brother-in-law

last week, my brother-in-law went to see a doctor for bleeding nose. and the doctor found an irregular pea-sized growth in his throat. the doctor removed the growth last tuesday. along the way, during the minor op, they found another growth. that, too, they removed. they are awaiting the test results now. and both my sis and brother-in-law are anxiously waiting.

these are the facts of the issue. but when i smsed and asked her if things are ok, her responses went something like - how come these kinda things happen? he is still young, we are all very worried. etc... well, natural responses of anxiety. nonetheless, i cannot help but realize this - often, it is not the illness that kills us, it is our own pessimism and worries that kills us. hopefully, my sis and brother-in-law can make this period of waiting into opportunities to spend and appreciate each other better. to love and to cherish the family. to appreciate the fact that this is a timely reminder of the need to live in the present and appreciate and love the people around. to not sweat the small stuff. to see beyond everyone's small and often petty flaws...

i wish my brother-in-law peace of mind, strength and love.

crash!

i went to pump petrol today. as i swerved into the petrol bay, my car scrapped the dustbin... the lady attendant, who was at the next bay, screamed. people turned their heads to look. i felt a little embarrassed. i fiddled around with my stuff in my car before i walked out to pump my petrol. by then, the usual uncle who would attend to me had walked to my car. the lady attendant made some remarks that went something like "aiyoh, you liddat hor, we have to pay on you know..." and she walked away mumbling some other inaudible stuff. the uncle shoo-ed her and gave me the don't-bother-her kinda wave. and he told me don't worry, small matter. just pretend the incident never happened.

i took a look at the dustbin. there was a small crack. i could not be sure the crack was a result of my knock. nonetheless, i walked to the cashier and reported the incident. the store attendant, who was also familiar with me told me no problem, i should just pretend it didn't happen. but i insisted i should at least make the report. it wouldn't be fair if the pump attendants were made to pay any damages later (remembering what the lady attendant screamed earlier). he then reported to the store manager who in turn took down my particulars and phone numbers. after taking a look at the damage, they remarked that "if only everyone could be as truthful as me" cos many people would simply drive off and don't bother to report. she added that it was a small matter and that it should be fine. but she added that if her management decides to ask for compensation, they would contact me. no worries, i said, as long as the pump attendant is not wrongfully blamed.

i felt good. although it was a small incident. but at least, i will not be haunted by it. my conscience are clear.

my fault. but becos i reported it and owned up. it felt good.

:-)

discharge

mum will be discharged tomorrow. this time round is her longest stay at the hospital. almost a month. and i will be picking her up and sending her home. my domestic helper will be back soon (from her home leave) and i will pick her up at the airport in the morning before heading to discharge mum.

thinking about it, it was rather weird. my bro had worried about who to look after my mum when the domestic help returns for home leave. and he was kinda worried whether my sis-in-law could manage given that she is also managing the baby. as for me, i had time and again told him not to worry and that things will be ok. for some unknown reasons, i was so sure everything would be ok although frankly, i did not know how things would pan out, who would be able to look after my mum, etc. but it so happened that a week before the domestic help returns for home leave, mum came down with chest infection... and becos of this, looking after my mum during the domestic helps' home leave became a non-issue altogether...

sometimes, i think things happened for good reasons. and of cos, i think many a times, we worry ourselves for no good reasons...

:-)

sleeping saturday

was a boring and very restful saturday. woke up at close to 9am... did a little housewor, went for brunch and see the chinese sinseh for my cough problems and then returned home. and for the first time after sooooo long i slept in the afternoon... in fact, i slept and slept and slept... i slept from 1 - 3pm and then from 4 - 5pm... hmmm...

and i had lotsa dream.

it was weird.

dreaming in the daytime.

:-)

200,000

this week, my car cross the 200,000th km mileage.

bought it in 2005 Jul... 5 yrs 9 months... and that works out to about 200,000 / [(365 x 5) + (30 x 9)] = 95km a day... that's quite a lot! but well, considering the fact that of about 4 out of these 5 plus years i worked in west jurong... i supposed it was to be expected.

:-)

kedondong sapphie

i made an interesting discovery this week - that my dog sapphie loves eating buah long long (aka buah kedondong)...

heh heh...

:-)

losing weight

have been on chinese medication to clear my bad throat, cough and non-stop runny nose... and i had been advised to stop all oily, deep fried, and spicy food. also, i am not suppose to take cold drinks, and to avoid air conditioning (especially at night). well, been a month... and things seemed to have improved quite a bit. but interestingly, becos of the diet, i am also noticing myself losing weight.

usually, my home scale would register me as abt 72-74kg. now, i weigh slightly less than 70kg.

:-)

destabilizing week

i started this week badly. and it destabilized me so bad i was totally paralyzed for 2 days and only managed to somewhat pick myself up again late thursday...

you see, my management had asked me to share with them (him) what my focus for the new workyear would be. and to do so, i had to frame the setting by giving a brief about what we want to achieve in the longer term and so that current focus could be aligned to a more strategic objective. in another words, i had to present my vision of where i want to drive my unit towards. and so i did... and i proudly did so cos i had spend so much effort, brain juice and time to put together a frame that captures my units vision, articulate my missions, and chart out the stratgies that would guide us for the next 5 years. my team and i had debated over it for the last 2 months and we even had our teambuilding activities all themed around it.

when i presented it to my management on monday, last i expected was that every single sentence, word, etc were torn to bits... i knew hell would break loose when i was asked why the hell i need a vision in the first place (doh!) and why couldn't i simply use my company's vision instead? also, the mission statements that my team and i crafted were questioned. and i thought - in the first place, my unit never had a mission statement, much less a clear one (doh!). and if i were to be more objective, i should have been told what my unit was supposed to fulfil! so much for spending my efforts... a unit without a collective vision and clear mission statement is a unit that is not focused and would lead to suicidal outcome. in fact, that was the unit i inherited. one that had tremendous morale issues, logictics on the verge of breaking down, people tendering mass resignations, etc. and all were swept under the carpet. and truth be told, the person before me even almost moved my unit out of sync and focus on things that was not the unit's expertise altogether. well, not that it was wrong from a business perspective, but, to do so at the expense of the unit's being is totally not right.

anyway, i stood there trying very hard to defend myself. and i was bombarded for close to 2 hours. and at a certain point, my management told me off - "no need to present further. your starting point is all wrong..." but i persisted. i tried to stand my ground. i tried to explain myself. but everything i said was torn to bits. there were lots of useless (or at least totally unfruitful) questions thrown at me. after some time, i decided, i should just shut up and not try to defend myself. it was futile to engage in anything with anyone who probably got up the wrong side of bed and has decided that everything i had was wrong. i was not prepared for this and i do not think i want to go through the seemingly endless barrage of useless criticism.

i felt very disturbed by the end of the meeting. but the full blast of the effect hit me only that evening. i felt destabilized by the fact that suddenly after all the hard work and efforts put in, my vision that has thus far given me the sense of direction, went kapoot. my missions, that we had spent so much thoughts over, was thrown out of the window... i felt aimless, i felt lost, i felt totally alone. and on tuesday, i had to grapple with several interviews, promotion reports, etc... all these seemed suddenly extra stressful given my lousy state of mind. i decided i could not proceed any further. i might just end up venting myself on my staff (which i have never done before). i did not know how to proceed. by tuesday night, i was almost a walking zombie. i was in a stated of total paralysis.

i decided to take a one day break on wednesday. i went to the pool to zonk out. but somehow, i could not relax. i then proceeded to the beach and sat the the breakwater. the sea has this calming effect on me. i stared into the horizon. it was rather therapeutic. i spent the rest of my day there. (and as a result, got myself all lobstered... heh heh...)

sighs... ever since taking over, there had been a short period where the unit had voiced all their pent up frustrations. i took it all in stride. handling these people issues were not too difficult for me. but my challenge was to fact that i am not getting any support from my company. but all these are simply getting to me. i tried to be as optimistic as i could. and often, i kept telling myself i need to hold on and push on. push on push on i would tell myself. my finance manager have resigned and the one nominated to stand in has not been giving me the support i need. may be she's overworked but certainly the support has been really lousy. how can i run a unit without knowing my financial health? and time and again, they keep coming back to me to tell me to cut this and to cut that, to reduce headcount, etc. and on the other hand, my management is upping my revenue targets. i am trying very hard to recruit people and it is taking longer than i had expected. the systems that i had acquired had been delivered and it is having more problems than i can ever imagine...

arghhh...

if things continue at this rate, i will tender my resignation. it is no use working for a large glc that runs on an sme mindset.

i am glad the week has ended.

what a weekend

i am the type of person who needs to have my own quiet time. and by quiet time, i mean really time to just be alone and to just ignore the world, time to get into myself and look inwards... i supposed this is a trait of intraverted personalities. and interactions with people wear me out big time. on a daily basis, i get my quiet time at night. and that time is spend on reflecting on the day's happenings, or simply just zonk off. and on a weekly basis, my saturdays would be my only quiet time cos my sundays were meant for volunteer work at the temple.

and last weekend, i was so drained i almost wanted to kill myself. well, not literally...

you see, these couple of weeks have been terrible. my mum had been in hospital and my daily routine after work was to visit her and spend time with her. well, it was not that i am complaining, rather, the additional time needed meant i had less time to do my daily admin and by the time the day ended, i would be rather drained. i did not have time to recuperate. and for the last couple of weeks, the internal pent up just build and build. and weekends were no good cos the routine of visiting my mum and volunteering left me further drained. by the last weekend, i was almost dead. particularly so cos last week at work was extra draining. i had to conduct 2 newly designed leadership courses, manage some people's pms at work and i had meetings after meetings... and at the same time, i had to conduct several interviews (i dislike interactions!). so by the end of friday, i was almost dead - mentally, emotionally, physically etc. and i really really needed time to be alone, to recuperate. i really need that quiet time to charge myself up. but i realized i had promised a friend i'd help out with some facilitation.

so when saturday arrived, i wanted to really pull out of the event. the event was held at the temple and given that it was ching ming period, i really hated the whole idea of having to drag myself there knowing jolly well that i had to content with traffic jams, human jams, all the smoke, all the smog, etc... to make things worst, i had tonnes of housework to do, i had to bathe my dog, i had to wash my clothes... and for some short moments, it felt easier to die that to go to the temple. i wanted to simply kill myself. yes, it was that bad, there was just so so much internal tensions. i hated myself for getting into volunteering. i wanted to withdraw from my volunteer work. i hated myself for no knowing how to refuse requests for assistance. i wanted to just disappear and go awol. i hated myself for not knowing how to manage myself. yet, i was in constant tension cos another side of me said i should go. it was a classical case of devil and angel talking to me at the same time. and the angel reminded me that i had made a promise and i should appear, no matter what...

i went to help out in the end.

driving there was not pleasant. there were many instances where i almost get into accidents. whether it was a case of people's reckless driving or a case of me feeling disturbed, i didn't care. and when i reached the temple, everything i anticipated came true. the jams, the people, the smog, the smoke... i parked a distance away and walked... ok, to cut the long story short, i was grouchy. i thought i was a little harsh when i shared my views (for a while, i thought i sounded like i was scolding the class)... by the end of saturday, i couldn't recognize myself. the same thing happened on sunday although it was a little less dramatic and i was no less tired. well, i survived the event without losing myself (although i admitted i dozed off a little halfway through). whew! i had dinner followed by drinks with some uni friends sunday evening. and i was yawning away like crazy (so unbecoming!). we ended at about 10pm. but i did not manage to get my rest when i reached home... sighs, i came home and realized one of my goldfish had died. the pump got stuck and the circulation stopped. my goldfish had suffocated to death. to save the remaining 2 that was also rather weak already, i washed the fishtank and changed the water. after that, i mopped the floor and gave sapphie a bathe... and then, i realized i had forgotten to buy dog food for sapphie... arghhhh!!! my poor sapphie survived on carrots last night.

well, yes, back to my title - what a weekend! i started this week feeling more drained than ever... and today was not any better... my presentation in the meeting got chewed up through and through. and all my efforts over the last 2 months felt wiped off... pant, pant, pant... argh! i seriously don't think i should be going through all these shit while being paid such pittance! anyway, looking at my schedule for the next few days, i think i might be able to slow down a little bit.

i look forward to having a less hectic workweek...

:-)

father & son

artshopowner: so, you guys are together?

me: yes we are...

artshopowner: err... father and son?

me: .... err... friends... ^&*#&%$^&I@

:-)

desire

such a nice and beautifully produced video. and of cos, very cute boys. i love the look of the guy in the train (6:22). look at the eyes... the longing, the cruising, the desire... such memories...

:-)

writing letters

today, i read a book by robin sharma and in the book, he suggested writing letters to oneself as a way to look at oneself objectively and to learn about oneself. i supposed writing letters to oneself is not much different from journaling or blogging. they are all different ways of having a self-conversation, and for that matter, having a self-conversation from a third party point of view.

for me personally, i think i have benefitted from blogging. i have learned about myself, and also learned to manage myself better. of cos, the feedback i got from my readers have been useful too. they allowed me to see and understand myself from different perspectives. and in the process, helped me uncover my own blind spots. but on the other hand, i know blogging have its' dangerous side too. one can end up falling in love with ones' writings (or worst still, with oneself), indulge in one's past so much that he/ she cannot get out, wallow and so on... and in the process, keep spiralling into a self-indulgent non-productive (and narcissitic) mode of self existence. and i think it is not difficult to go into such a state.

so... anyway, yes, let's getting back to writing letters... i think i should try to start writing letters to myself in my blog. it would perhaps allow me another way of having this on-going self-conversation... and i think it will be an interesting process...

will try that out very soon...

:-)

doggie questions

for the longest time, i have been seeing and interpreting sapphie's expressions, actions etc in human term. for example, when she stretches her lips sideways, i call see it as her smiling. and that i interpreted it as her being happy. or when she sleeps and makes noise, i deemed it as her dreaming... thing is - i am not sure if interpreting her expressions using the human as an example is realistic... - some questions i have:

• when i dog smile, does it mean it is happy?
• do dogs dream?
• do dogs feel the same way humans do?
• how do dogs express their emotions?

i think i need to do some reading up on this...

heh heh...

:-)

ps: dog in photo is not sapphie. photo courtesy of http://miners.com/?tag=lucid-dreaming

new workyear

this week has been one of the most hectic week. but well, am glad it came and went, rather smoothly. there were presentations and project updates to all the levels of management (less top management)... i supposed everyone was, in some way or other, raring to go. it is the start of a new workyear afterall...

:-)

teacher student

most of the time when i teach, i end up learning more... cos teaching forces me to internalize knowledge, and the questioning allows me to see things in different perspectives... so... yes, when you teach, you are in fact the student yourself!

:-)

stale fish?

i was at a japanese departmental store earlier and came across this counter that sells sashimi/ sushi. and displayed prominently was this sign that said "our produce are imported before the quake/ tsunami, and as such, are contamination free".

well, at first glance, it looked logical and appropriate to want to allay people's fear about the lack of contamination, but on the other hand, i thought... hmmm, it's been more than 2 weeks and hmmm, if so, the fish must be really stale by now!

:-)

eat, sleep, laugh

要吃能吃,要睡能睡,要笑能笑... 幸福也!

this is a simple sentence. but it speaks a lot about happiness. translated simply, it means, "if one wants to eat, there is food for one to eat, if one wants to sleep, one can sleep, and if one wants to laugh, one can laugh out. such joys"!

to explain, how many of us can actually get to eat what we want to eat? to be able to do so and do it heartily, one must have the means to fulfil this need. secondly, how many of us can actually get to sleep soundly and in an uninterrupted manner when it is time to sleep? to be able to do so, one needs to be free of stress, and have mental and emotional wellness. lastly, to be able to laugh out loud spontaneously, one needs to happy fundamentally.

such is the joy one feels when one can eat, sleep and laugh...

how many of us can say we are in such a state?

:-)

i will survive

well, almost everybody calls this the gay anthem... whether it was meant to be, i am not sure. to me, the lyrics to this song is rather universal. the feelings and the emotions expressed is something everyone experiencing a break-up would feel. i supposed the reasons why it evolved into a gay anthem lied in the fact that there was a little hint of jadedness in it, and that that it managed to bring across the "well, i have been through this so many times, what is one more" feel across very well. added to this, despite being sung by a female, the forcefulness of how it was delivered made the song very masculine. perfect combination that reflects gblts.

well, this song might be about breaking up and moving on. but me, it is more. i was (and still am) able to connect with different part of the song at different occasions, depending on the context of my "down"-time. the words "i will survive" itself is rather univeral. these 3 words itself brought me through many of my downs, and these 3 words are context free. as such, i was able to use it when i experienced major failures in, say, work. and as for the "moving on and i will survive this post-relationship" parts, i admit i have used it to (1) convince myself to break up with james during the many occasions when i was made to feel worthless, (2) to push myself along after my break-up with james, and to convince myself i would be able to find myself again after moving on (despite the fact that i was the one breaking up), (3) as a way to convince myself that i should just cut-off my pass and move on, especially the parts about changing locks and keys, la la la (although i admit i couldn't and didn't bring myself to do it). apart from all these, it was the solace the song brings to me that makes this song special to me...

well... ok. enough of my early saturday morning nonsense...

:-)

heightened consciousness

these days, i must admit my heightened awareness of the sufferings as a result of the triple disaster in japan made me sense things in very different light.

for example, i was having a japanese dinner earlier on... and as i ate, it struck me that the victims of the disaster was suffering and most had little or nothing to eat... and i felt a little guilty... of cos, admittedly, at one point, several thoughts related to radiation went through my mind, and these include - oh, is this food tainted with nuclear radiation?... hmmm, will the restaurant put up adverts proclaiming that they are selling non-japanese/ radiation-safe produce yet cooked in such a way that is identical to how a japanese would cook it... i felt a little sad thinking about it...

and just a couple of minutes ago, i saw how a friend capitalizing on the earth hour to promote his business... and i thought, my goodness, there are people who are really suffering in darkness in japan now and here we are commercializing such an event that is founded on very noble purpose... and worst still, making such event so celebratory...

hmmmmm...

think i need to not draw and join too many dots unnecessarily...

life is stressful enough!

:-)

quality life

just reflected about the lack of topic to blog these days... it was so different from last year when i was on my break and i was very aware and very conscious of things happening around me...

life then was superbly simple, and routine. it revolved around visiting and taking care of my mum, taking public transport, going to the pool, meeting up with friends, having slow and simple meals with bee, etc... but despite this routine nature, the days were so so very rich. well of cos when i was going through that period, it didn't seemed very special to me.

but now, thinking back, i could say - it was really quality life!

heaven on earth!

:-)

outing myself

i just outed myself to another friend of mine...

and as usual, it feels great! nothing beats being myself! no pretense...

and i am so sure this episode will bring our friendship to a whole new level!

:-)

just a thought

straight vs gay...

matter of perspective?

hahaha!

:-)

back in hospital

it's barely less than a month and mum is back in hospital again. this time round, for chest infection, water in lungs and mild heart failure. had a short talk with her after she stabilize. our conversation went something like this:

me: ok, you stay here and rest well ya? old people tend to fall sick easily. so it is good that for every little problem, we quickly bring you to hospital. if there is nothing, it is ok, but if there is something wrong, it is good to clear it quickly.

mum: ya... your bro initially wanted me to move back old house. but i did not want to.

me: well, perhaps it is good to have someone nearby so that if you fall sick, there is someone to look after you. you know, old people tend to have chest infections... and if not treated fast enough, it may be fatal

mum: ya...

me: anyway, you stay here tonite and don't worry k, the nurses and doctors will look after you.

mum: what is there to worry, i have nothing to worry about... (for a while, it seemed she was telling me she has nothing to worry about anymore in her life...)

...

well, you know how the conversation went... it was just simple talk. but well, as in all mums, she went - oh, ok, go home go home, go and sleep early, you need to work tomorrow...

:-)

sleeping

was actually tempted to ask this question in my facebook but decided against it. i thought it would probably end up with a lot of censoring on my part... so, well, perhaps i should ask it here:

what do you wear to bed?

anyone care to share? heh heh... just one of those crazy questions that came to my mind... anyway...

:-)

amazing recovery

not too sure if it is due to the chinese medication or the fact that i down a flu tablet last night before i slept or the fact that i slept really early... but i felt very good today! the flu seemed to have cleared by at least 70% suddenly!

heh heh... let's hope i sleep well tonite too!

:-)

30 times

read this from someone's facebook update and i burst out laughing... hahaha! and he wrote:

question: "do you know what will happen if the world spins 30 times faster than now?"

answer: "men will get paid everyday, and women will bleed to death"

been a while since i actually laughed out loud so spontaneously!

:-)

chinese sinseh

decided to see the chinese sinseh (traditional chinese medical practitioner) earlier for my bad throat. have had this super duper bad throat for a week now and today, it became very irritable. and it caused me to cough rather violently whole day... very exhausting.

i told her about the pain and the itch and the fact that i cough easily and that i have had this highly irritable throat for the past several years. she listened intently, and then she felt my pulse, took a look at my throat and listened to my chest. and told me my throat is very sensitive and that would take a long time to heal. for the meantime, i should avoid any food that is oily, fried, spicy and all cold drinks. and she wrote me a weeks' prescription of chinese medicine...

hmmmm...

time to also slim down i thought... heh heh...

:-)

surreal teambuilding

perhaps it was my expectations... but over the last 2 days where i attended a particular teambuilding, i saw people being lined up in a firing squads, and being questions (more like interrogated), and people being put down, and people being embarrassed... and it reminded of the cultural revolution in china...

surreal...

and by the end of today, everyone went around claiming how good the teambuilding was... while in fact, i sensed many left the event with even more tensions... unsaid tensions... frankly, i thought there was a lot of things uttered but the quality of coversation was really terrible!

what a weird way to do teambuilding!

3 steps to inner peace

some time ago, my meditation master and teacher taught me some simple steps to achieve inner calm and clarity of thoughts. and having tried it for more than a year, i totally agree with her. she taught me many things, but what i remembered most were...

step 1 "know, just know" knowing and just knowing and controlling one's urge to make judgment is about controling one's mind. it is not easy. it is natural for us to make judgments. it is natural to us to assume things. yes, it requires a lot of discipline to not judge people. we do not naturally understand that everyone has his/ her story. and by not understanding or making the attempt to understand their story, our judgment often end up hurting them, unfairly. it is unnecessary. so, the next time you see or read something, take a pause before you make any judgment. do reflect, ask, seek to understand, and after doing all these, you should still decide if you should make any judgment. and if you think you should, be clear of what assumptions you have made before you make that judgment. you might have to revisit some of these assumptions and change your judgment subsequently. and if you think the issue is not worth your judgment, then "know, just know". move on. the world won't change, with or without your judgment. practise enough and you will learn to be less excitable.

and step 2 "don't rush"... rushing is not the same as speed. speed is the displacement of an object over a distance expressed as a function of time. rushing is a state of mind. they are different. one can be fast yet deliberate (think f1), and conversely, one can be slow but rushing (think of yourself late for work and in a traffic jam). you get the idea. so, in life, make the effort to slow down, don't rush. in not rushing, you create the conditions to do things mindfully. you create the capacity to enoy and live the moment. if you need to wake up half an hour earlier so that you can take a stroll to the train station, then do it. a stroll to the train station allows you to walk mindfully. to appreciate the morning birds chirping. to observe the hustle and bustle of life. to feel the coolness of the morning breeze. it calms you down. conversely, by stealing another half hour of sleep, you end up rushing. your mind becomes cluttered. you get prone to mistakes. and you fail to live mindfully. you fail to appreciate the hot coffee prepared for you by your loved ones. you fail to say good bye to your child... in short, you fail to live your life meaningfully. and you end up a wreck. and your mind is in a constant state of hyperactivity/ excitement. and you become unsettled and easily agitated.

and step 3 "meditate"... shan't write too much about step 3. i think it is straight-forward enough. and by practising all 3 together, one can achieve clarity of thoughts, calmness and ultimately inner peace. and through these, conditions are created for wisdom to be cultivated.

sore throat

i have been nursing a very painly throat over the last few days. felt like there is a bad cut on my inner throat.

difficult to swallow...

ouch!

ear hole closed

i tried to put on a ear stud yesterday and found my ear hole closed! it took me a while before i finally inserted the ear stud into place. i decided to sleep with my ear stud last night.

this afternoon, i removed my ear stud and next thing i knew, i see blood serum on my fingers. the ear lobe must have been traumatised by the long duration of the ear studs and the fact that i slept with it... better keep the ear hole pierced with a nylon string for the next couple of days before it closes for good.

sighs...

the shit stirrer

was rather curious when i saw a post by a friend about a blog by a certain famous mr brown. that post captured a picture showing the screenshot of an email sent out by mediacorp's sales department making a sales pitch to get people to quickly book airtime for the primetime news block following the japanese tsunami. time registered on the email was 4.44pm on that fateful day of the tsunami. slightly more than 2hrs after the disaster struck.

when i read the comments (most of which were posted after some time when the wrath of the earthquake and the tsunami became clear...), i was disappointed. disappointed by the fact that there were many people who took on a self-righteous stand and were quick to condemn mediacorp. allegations that sounded rather horrible were flying off like no one business. and there were people who went as far as extrapolating that all singaporeans are like that, or that the gahmen was quick to want to earn such ill-gotten money... (doh! what has the gahmen gotta do with this?!) etc. of cos there were people who stood by mediacorp. these people obviously understood the business and sales well. they understood the challenges of professionals in sales and how difficult it could be at times to make a proper sales pitch without sounding controversial. for me, my thoughts were that the email might have sounded a little insensitive, but on the whole, i thought - what the heck, there was nothing wrong with it... afterall, it was a sales team trying to reach out to their key accounts and trying to get them to buy airtime. frankly, i thought it would be stupid if they had not done it. it was no different from people trying to sell security services after the collapse of world trade center immediately after that fateful day in sep a decade ago. seriously, if the issue was one about mas selamat being captured, i bet you no one would have bat an eyelid! and for sure, the email wouldn't have been published in mr b's blog!

anyway, i reflected on the whole thing. and my own take was that the sales person could have tried a little too hard to sell news airtime and perhaps, being overzealous, could have sounded a little insensitive. the email also mentioned about "urgent" (and many have blasted mediacorp for this too), but looking at the time of the email (1644hrs) and the next closest primetime (1900hrs), i would have inserted the word "urgent" too if i were the one sending out the email! imagine the need to authenticate and confirm a sales, to come out with the adverts, to do the artwork, to liaise with the production team, etc... (and oh, i need to mention this - we cannot expect the sales person to know the details of the news. they are not the journalists or the reporters. and so, i can assume that at 1644hrs, they probably would be making a pitch with only sketchy idea (if any) of the extent of the disaster).

as for the uncalled for hostile comments, i reflected on it and concluded that most, if not all the commentors were singaporeans. singaporeans tend to be quick to condemn and seldom spare a moment to reflect (and i admit i am also like that at times). and looking at the time stamp, most of the comments came in only when the horrors of the magnitude of damage became clear. thus, it would be logical to assume that people's emotions would be rather raw and that they are still coming to terms with the horrors of the disaster. and in such a state, reading a mail (that sounded insensitive) would probably evoke immediate hostile responses. but to me, this was no excuse to condemn other parties. this was not how a civilized society should behave. i also thought the comments reflected on the commentors themselves. for many, it showed how childish they had been and how they have jumped to conclusions without seeing things in perspective. commenting on issues when things are a lot clearer is always easy but i thought they should also reflect on whether the picture at 1644hrs were that clear (much less to the sales team!). also, i thought many of the commentors had been unfair to pass such judgment on mediacorp.

today, mediacorp issued a statement where they unreservedly apologized if the email had sounded insensitive... i was a little disappointed. mediacorp had done no wrong if you asked me. but when i read the email a little closer, it was clear that mediacorp had stood their grounds. and of cos, many of the commentors seemed appeased by the apology... again, it reflected on them...

:-)

ps: i really wondered why mr brown published this email in the first place. by doing so, hasn't he also not tried to capitalize on the tsunami to get people to visit his blog? or perhaps, he was no different from those childish commentors? or perhaps he was simply - a shit stirrer?

"lovebites"

it's been 2 weeks since the fateful paintball game where i was hit on my chin and my neck. and today, what is left on my neck is a huge roundish purplish scar. and interestingly enough, it looks like a huge lovebite!

either it must have been a huge mosquito... or bee bee must have sucked it real hard!

hahaha!

tsunami

my heart goes out to everyone who were affected by the earthquake and tsunami. may they be out of the sufferings soon.

ganbate kudasai!

creative ways to save water

this is really a post of a bored person. and i shall write about "how i saved water today"... and if i may say, quite creatively too... then again, i do it all the time... so... nothing new actually... heh heh... here goes.

first, when i bathe my dog, i would bathe together with her. since i have let the shampoo lather and let it soak for 5 min, i used the 5 minutes to brush my teeth, shampoo my hair and soap my body (i'd wet myself before i shower and shampoo my dog). then i would rinse myself. and since the floor is now totally wet, i would wash the toilet floor. and once i have done all these, i would rinse my dog, saphhie. all in all, it probably took me more than 5min (closer to 10 min) but i reckoned the extended time would allow the shampoo to better clear away any funny things that might be on my dog's skin... heh heh...

i would then dry myself, wrap the towel around me, then dry my dog, wrap the towel around her, carry her out to the living room and let her down. she would then shake herself so violently, it would wet the living room marble floor. i would then dry her up thoroughly with her towel. by the time i am done, her towel would be wet, the floor would have sprinkles of water... and i would use her wet towel to clean the floor... so in effect, i also clean my living room.

there you have it, creative ways to save water. how to bathe oneself, one's dog, wash the toilet and clean one's living room... all at one goal...

crazy, but it works!

hahaha...

:-)

ps: and oh, it gives me a good workout and it saves me lots of time too...

rain

after almost 2 months, i decided i should wash my car... afterall, i had a dinner and dance tonite and the weather has been scorching hot...

less than 6 hours later... it rained...

damned!

hahaha!

china-supergirl

i was on the way home this afternoon when i saw a girl walking with a guy at a traffic junction... i frooze for a moment...

she was in full bodied black leotards, black superman t-shirt (that has this "s" diamond sign) and short chilli red shorts - not a sports shorts, rather, it was what we would typically referred to as bloomers. heh heh heh... and she was sashaying in the hot afternoon sun...

i thought it was so wrong at so many levels! (and i was quite certain she was from China)...

heh heh...

popping eyes

nowadays... or rather, quite often these days, my eyes would feel so tired by the end of the day that it felt like they would drop out of my eye sockets anytime! argh...

need to take out my contact lens le...

:-)

opportunity

ok, here's me again trying to get myself to see the brighter side of things. i supposed now that my new hires have both quitted, it would allow me to open up my choice of new possible candidates... and perhaps find even better people...

:-)

of cos, not to mention, i can now relook at and perhaps better optimize my manpower budget... heh heh...

exhausted

today, my new hire who had just reported 2 weeks ago came to me and tendered his resignation. the main reason cited was that there was a bad culture fit. i took it like i would take any resignation (not that i have had any so far)... i thought there was really no point holding back anyone who's heart was not there and negotiating further would not help. no point. heart issues are better dealt with early. i laughed about it. the person felt bad. but hey, it is a commercial organization. no point getting flustered or respond negatively. move on. move on. but frankly, after the talk, i started to feel a strong wave of tiredness. felt very exhausted mentally. very very exhausted.

guessed this was also due to a built up since last week where another hire (who was supposed to report next month) called it quits despite having signed the acceptance letter. and for these 2 positions, i had spent so much efforts looking for them. it all come to nought. and i now have to start the process all over again. and to make it worse, my finance side called up to tell me i need to cut headcount cos the budget next year cannot support. despite all these, i see huge loads of stuffs being piled onto me next year...

if this goes on, i will also resign from my job...

but for now, i shall hold on... push on push on...

taking care of old people

handing-taking over. the next generation takes over from the previous generation. it's amazing how much common all of us have, without us realizing it. our journeys of overseeing, managing our parent's golden years and eventually sending them off on their eternal journey.

over the past few years, i have gotten used to the routine of going in and out of the hospital. and these were largely a result of having to take care of my aging parents. every month or so, and sometimes within weeks, i will find myself rushing to the hospital a&e department. and every so often, i would also get smses and/ or phone calls from my brother about my mum being ill, etc... and more often than not, i will be going through the routine of visiting the hospitals after office hours, dinner at the hospital canteen, etc. and of late, i am also seeing my friends going through the same "routine".

i supposed many of my friends and i are at the age where we manage our parent's golden years, and the eventual sending them off. and regardless of race, i can see all of us doing the same things, giving and directing the same amount of energies (or whatever we have) to our parents, see and appreciate the frustrations and stress each of us felt as we go through the process... and of course, feel and appreciate the warmth we get from our friends through the well-wishes posted in social media like facebook etc. it is certainly amazing how much common experiences and responses all of us go through and have. i supposed we are all the same regardless of race, language or religion.

and interestingly enough for me (and i could also see for some of my friends), managing our parent/s passing and post-life activities deepened our awareness of our own mortality. in a way, the whole process itself was very empowering. for me personally, on one hand, i felt a sense of lost and that i no longer have someone to fall back emotionally, on the other hand, it made me aware and gave me the energy and motivation of step up and take the lead with regards my family affairs. reflecting, i supposed this was what my parents went through when their parents left them. and they took charge, till it was their time to go. and it is my turn to sent them off...

but for me, i just wonder... as a gay person, when it comes my time to go, who will sent me off?

back home

mum was discharged today.

:-)

stooooopid me...

have had so much problem trying to connect my office laptop to my wireless at home. i had tried many times when i had my old laptop but failed. and again, when i tried doing it with my new laptop, i failed. and after so many times of trying, i gave up. i decided not to do it. i decided i should just rely on my blackberry to work. not the best idea but hey, i could still get my job done! eventually, i forgot about this issue altogether.

today my hr asked me to help do some stuff that would require me to login to my office email from home. it got me thinking again of my screwed up issue about not being able to establish the wireless with my home modem. and so, i called my i.t. support to help but they referred me to my service provider instead.

i came home. settled down and decided to call my service provider. a sweet sounding lady answered the phone. the lady was super nice and patient with me. and she asked me to click this, click that, double click here, right click there... we tried many ways and they were all unsuccessful. and finally, she asked me to hook it up via the connection cable. and she guided me to key in the url that would allow her to view my screen (screen sharing). and i did. and she tried clicking a lot of things and all did not work. i was so sure there was something very wrong.

finally she asked me to check if i had switched the wireless connection on my laptop to "on"...

.................................

i felt so freaking embarrassed!

this should never have happened to me - someone who used to head an i.t. support branch!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

:-)

dearly departed

how would you like to be remembered when you die? what would your eulogy sound like? what would you like to be inscribed on your tombstone? some interesting questions that are worth some thoughts for it would help you focus your energy towards living your current days in as meaningful a way as possible. something similar to working with an end in mind... only that this end is about the end of your life...

so, for me... i would like to be remembered as someone who is helpful, kind, compassionate and loving. someone who is a good buddhist... then again, hmmm... i think i need to think a little deeper into it...

how about you? what would you like people to remember you by?

:-)

ps: bee bee is laughing that i am writing this so that people can say what i want people to say... even if i am not what i am saying i am... do i make sense? hahahaha...