moving crown

i had a lower left molar implant done 10 years ago. i did not face any issues with it until 2 months back when the crown started to move. and at about the same time, my upper right molar also started to ache. it ached bad whenever i take anything cold. i am not sure why it happened but it was weird how both issues started together. since then, i have had lots of difficulty biting properly on both sides of my mouth.

went to the dentist and he didn't want to treat me. floss your upper right molar more, and see the senior consultant for the crown issue, he said. the senior consultant i visited subsequently (who was my friend) also didn't want to do anything about it. he couldn't. apparently, different dentists use different implant types and given the specific techniques (and tools) needed for each different implant type, one has to go back to that specific dentist who did the implant if any issues developed.

nonetheless, my friend spend a whole lot of time explaining to me all the possible reasons why the crown of an implant could move. best case, it's just a case of screw loose. just need to tighten it and wallah, all will be fine; and worst case, the dentist will have to take out the implant and redo the whole procedure all over again. and this would mean an operation to extract the implant, saw off part the jaw bone if infection had set in, do a filling, allow it to fuse with the bone, drill another hole before putting in a new implant. well, it sounded like a huge messy and bloody procedure and reminded me of the procedure i did for this implant 10 years back. the thought of having to go through it again freaked me out. haha...

anyway, my apprehension about the possibility of going through the whole procedure again made me think very hard about visiting the (original) dentist. until yesterday. when i arrived, the original dentist that did the implant was sick and his son attended to me. i was put through an x-ray and the dentist concluded that the implant was a-ok. there was no need for any op. for that matter, he just needed to remove the crown without any injection too! it was a huuuuugggeee sigh of relief when the dentist told me that. he explained that what had happened was this thing called "decementation" and that he could simply get it fix in the lab. but it would take time. one month. and in the meantime, he would clean the screw hole to rid it of all the bacteria before plugging it with a temporary plug. 

will need to return in a months' time to get the crown fixed back. so glad it was not as nasty as what i had expected. and yes, there were no injections, incisions, etc yesterday. such a huge sigh of relief.

:-) 

florence foster jenkins

it was hilarious, and sad at the same time. couldn't help but checked wikipedia for a background of mrs. florence foster jenkins halfway through the movie. there was just too many questions in my head that needed answers as the show unfolded. who's this lady? how did she die? what's her background? whats the relationship between her and st clair? etc etc etc.

the affinity to her grew with each passing minute. and it was really heartwarming how st clair doted and protected her, yet it was heartbreaking how he cheated on her after she fell asleep. and after all the well-intended gestures and efforts, she had to face the brunt of the jokes... really sad. "they can say i couldn't sing, but they can't say i didn't sing". this line hit me at the end of the show before she died. and in a way, it was hugely inspirational, whichever way you frame it.

thoroughly enjoyed this show. and kudos to the very strong acting by all 3 actors - meryl streep (who played mrs florence), hugh grant (st clair bayfield the husband) and simon helberg (cosmé mcmoon the pianist).

bravo!

a chinese odyssey: part 3

have not seen a show as screwed up as this for a long long time. it got so bad i almost wanted to walk out of the cinema a few times during the show. felt like i've wasted my money....

dreams

have had quite a few weird dreams lately. here're two of the more vivid ones.

two nights ago, i drank some water before i went to bed. and halfway through the night i felt the need to pee. but for some reasons, i remembered my conscious mind telling myself that i could hold on to it and coaxed myself to continue sleeping. but once i did so, in my half-asleep state of mind, i dreamt that someone came towards me and gave me a blowjob. and in that state of neither sleeping nor awake, i remembered struggling very hard not to wake up in order to continue the great sensation of being blown. but it was a losing battle for me cos the "calm" of sleep and the "high" of the blowjob (or the feeling of a full bladder) worked in opposite directions. i was eventually forced me to wake up - to pee.

and i think it was the same morning that i dreamt of my mum. i had brought her out. to do some shopping i believed. and i couldn't find a car park lot. and so i dropped her off somewhere near the shopping center entrance. i vaguely recall it was my maid who pushed her wheelchair into the shopping center. next thing i knew, the shopping had ended and i was back at the car park looking for my car. i couldn't find it and wondered round the car park several times. i ended up at the entrance where i dropped my mum and the automatic door opened. and there was my mum in her wheelchair, my brother by her side with my sis-in-law and my nephew (i didn't recall seeing my niece). my brother looked much younger and had really glowing complexion (which was so unreal and unlike his real self). and my nephew (who should be 4 end this year) had grown so tall he towered more than a head above me. i was so shocked to see them, and my brother uttered something (i forgot what he said, but it was something conciliatory). i exclaimed out loud how tall my nephew had grown and asked how old was he. and he replied he was 3 years old. he didn't look anything like the nephew i knew. like my brother, my nephew was superbly fair. and then i noticed - he had patches of red bloodshot marks all over his left legs. it was horrible. i looked like he had been attacked by hundred of leeches. and on his right leg just below the back of his knee, there was a bloodied wound. much as my mind was racing and wondering what happened, i was at the same time dumbfounded. no words could come out of my mouth.... and then i woke up.

weird right?

"can you jerk me off? please, please..."

saw this recording just now... its about how a taxi driver begged this person to jerk him off one night. lots of thoughts went through my head when she described the whole experience. frankly, i felt a whole range of conflicting emotions as i watched it - sad, happy, surprised, grateful, funny, grotesque, erotic, etc. i supposed such mixed emotions are not unexpected especially during charity jerk offs/ sex. right?

watch it if you understand chinese. will do a translation sometime for those who cannot understand chinese.

==========
as promised, this is the translation to my best abilities:

"one weekend, after i had some drinks with friends, i took a cab home. the time was at about 1-2am. there were not many people on the road. the taxi driver was a very fat person. and just when we were about to reach my place, he stopped by the side of the road. i asked him why he stopped, to which he replied "can i ask you for a favor?"

i was taken aback. i hailed your cab, you send me home and i'll pay you. simple as that. what additional favour could there be in this transaction? i thought. so i asked him what he wanted. he said "i felt you are a nice person... (silence)... can you do me a favour?" "what do you want" i asked. "can you jerk me off" he asked.

his question shocked me. i could only uttered "what?..." (silence) and he quickly pleaded "please, please, i beg of you". i took another look at him... and i thought, "how could i ever do this for him?" and i winced. he continued begging me, "please, i beg of you... i have not had any sex for a very very very long time". 

at that point in time, there were so much i wanted to say but didn't know how to say. all my words were stuck in my mouth (silence)... i agreed and said ok. once i said that, i could see his happiness. he was so very happy. he hurriedly parked his car properly. once done, he quickly he took out his inhaler and took a few deep breath. following that, he started to hurriedly pull up his shirt and undo his pants.

he had to take a few moments to catch his breath in the process of undressing. it was then that i was able to observe the most basic animalistic instinct and desire. to me, and up till that point, there was nothing sexual about this whole episode. in fact, it felt so clinical. it almost felt like a show or a performance. when he eventually got undressed, i could see layers of fats, so thick and layered that i could not see his penis. it was all hidden and lost amidst the folds of his fats.

we had to lift up the layers of fats in order to find the penis. when i eventually found and slowly touched his penis, his reactions... (silence) that very moment, the strong reactions... it reminded me the kind of reactions you see between 2 persons who had not had sex for a long time. it surprised me, yet it did not shock me. for i also realised that it was just very human.

in fact, his very heavy build affected his breathing and his health and he had to take the inhalant several times during the process (of my masturbating him). once he came, he wanted to hurriedly stand up but he couldn't. his body didn't allow him to do so that easily. i had to open the car door and went to the boot to get a t-shirt for him. he thanked me profusely for that.

after he dressed up, he send me to my place and refused to accept the cab fare. but i insisted on paying. these were 2 different things (jerking off and sending home), i iterated. when i finally reached my place, i really wanted to cry. i really really wanted to cry. i felt that regardless of what society humans live in, social status, sexuality, etc... 

the human is lonely by nature."

well, you may call this a whole load of bullshit that came out of jerking off a fat taxi-driver... but you cannot deny the fact that this woman walked out of the experience feeling all so emo about it.

right?

freeballing

freeballing. that means going without underwear. another commonly used phrase for this is "going commando". and i wanted to write this entry after seeing someone freeball last evening. but before that, let me reflect a bit about "going commando".

don't ask me why "going commando" is used to refer to not wearing underwear. i suspect it was becos many military man choose to go without underwear when they head out to the fields for a prolonged period of time. wearing underwear under such conditions would simply mean having an additional piece of belonging that needs to be to washed and resources such as water are scarce and thus having a soiled underwear is not desirable in field conditions. and mud hardened soiled underwear are highly uncomfortable. trust me... haha... anyway, if this was the reason, there is nothing about "commando" right? heh... well, i think there are possible answers in the internet. go google it and tell me. heh...

but yeah, freeballing is something many do, either permanently, during specific activities (eg when they exercise), or day/s of the week (eg dress down fridays). some do it at home, whereas some prefer to do it at specific places such as the swimming pool, gym, etc. it really depends on each individual but what's common amongst freeballers is the feel of freedom that one gets when there isn't any underwear to hold the balls and of cos the family jewel. and on the same token, the need to feel secure kinda also explain why freeballers choose to wear underwear at times. you never know how much more secured one feels when there is that additional piece of material to grab/ cup one's balls, and certainly this would be most appreciated when one needs that extra sense of security (eg when one go for interviews). heh...

for me, freeballing as a norm is something i started only a couple of years back. and speaking from experience, freeballing is a practice that "grow" with you over time. for me, i started experimenting with it when i was in my 20s (?). at that time, it was only done only times when i was horny and wanted to feel "sexy" (heh...). such occasions were restricted to within the confines of my room. thoughts about how i would feel if i wear this or that (eg tights or running shorts that had its inner lining removed) led me to experiment with freeballing. such times usually end up with me releasing myself... heh heh. and then when i got desensitized to such momentary pleasures, i started to freeball more, and i began going out of the house without any underwear. and over time, the frequency increased and now i've gotten so used to it that freeballing is more of a norm than an exception.

the interesting thing is - when i first started, it felt so erotic i'd end up walking around with an erection most of the time. but now, it'll take a whole lot of additional mental, visual and maybe even physical stimulation before i get aroused! hahha... so, after all these reflections, let me go back to the reason why i started this post. i wanted to talk about how to freeball properly. yup, i actually feel one need to know some basic decency when it comes to freeballing.

you see, i've seen some people looking rather indecent when they freeball. just last evening, i saw this guy who wore his bermudas so high up i see camel toes, and his cock size and shape was also so obvious i was able to know he's cut and estimate quite accurately the length of his endowment. omg. and the best part of it was that he seemed rather oblivious about it. i have similarly seen very (superbly) well-endowed people who freeball in their tight business pants/ jeans so much so that the outline was so obvious. and the size of the cock would make even the longest zucchini look short. serious! it was such a visual treat to me! of cos, for some, they'd consider it distracting, or for that matter, embarrassing to others.

so... yeah, freeball all you want, but do it "decently" and don't make people embarrass about it. that is how i would do it. then again, you may not agree (especially if you are well-endowed and freeballing is to allow you to "show off").

and as commandos would shout out, hoo-ahhh!

heh heh...

picture from https://pbs.twimg.com

kubo & the two strings

this was such a beautifully produced show. i was totally blown away by the zen-like production and the way origami was used to depict many scenes throughout the film. 

thoroughly enjoyed it.

bridget jones baby

watched this show on friday night after dinner with bee. he felt tired and i ended up watching the show alone. i was a little tipsy from all the soju when i walked into the cinema. heh... bridget jones' shows has always been funny and this one did not disappoint. there were lotsa funny moments. 

and while i enjoyed the show lots, one small part of me thought about how asians would respond if someone got into similar situation in asia - getting pregnant, not knowing who the father was, having both men interacting throughout the pregnancy period, getting married after the birth of the child, etc. such incidents would be considered taboo and not something that asian societies would talk about. well, i mean there are cases like this, but it would be far few and in between and certainly, if it ever happens, the girl would have been forced to get an abortion.

then again, that's just me. i think too much. 

it was an enjoyable show.

ho chi minh trip - hcmc

we arrived at the city itself late afternoon. 

it was raining when we arrived and by the time we checked in and got about exploring the city, it was already evening. it was good that the hotel we stayed were located in district 1 and near the touristy areas such as the central market, the night market and the backpackers street. luckily a couple of colleagues had been there before and were familiar with the place. and so, they became the tour guides while those of us who were not familiar with hcmc just tagged along. and as to be expected, there were a lot of touts and cheats. 

we had a couple of negative experiences in the short span of the evening. firstly, we were made to pay some 200,000 vietnamese dong for 10 rolls of candy roll (which i believe cost no more than 5000 dong each). we had no choice but to pay cos my colleague was so excited by it, she ordered it without asking for the price and started eating it even before the store owner finished rolling all the 10 rolls that she ordered. it was a good lesson learned. we were a little more street smart after that and got about eating lotsa street food without much issues.

the second negative experience happened before we ended the night. we had just completed walking the night market and decided to head off for foot massage before returning to the hotel. the foot massage cost some 360,000 dong per person. it was not too bad. and at the end of it all, the masseurs asked for tips. we gave them 20,000 dong each (equivalent to about one us dollar, which in our opinion was very decent considering the low cost of living) but the masseur protested and asked for more. they refused to let us leave. admittedly, we were ready to increase it to 40,000 to 50,000 dong  but when the masseur saw us taking out another 20,000 dong, they protested again and took out a 100,000 dong note and insisted that we tip them 100,000 dong each. wtf. the massage was 360,000 dong each and they had the audacity to demand 100,000 dong. their insistence got one of my colleague angry and she stood up and simply told them off. we stuck to the 20,000 dong per masseur and simply walked out. wtf. 

the last day was spend simply shopping and eating. and wow, my female colleagues could really shop! we only had 2-3 hours after checking out of the hotel and they managed to purchase shoes, fresh fruits, dried fruits, nuts, clothes, etc... lol. that was how we ended our last day in vietnam. on the whole, i thought the visit to hcmc was interesting. there was a lot of energy and life in the city. everything there reminded me of patpong bangkok, or for that matter, singapore in the 70s. judging from what i saw, we should be seeing hcmc developing into one very happening, modern and lively city in the near future.

:-)

ho chi minh trip - seaside villa

it was a short 4-day trip with colleagues to vietnam. and it was an very interesting one.

we had planned to spend 2 days at a seaside villa and another 2 at ho chi minh city. and the plan was to head to the seaside villa once we arrive, and to sleep early. for day 2, we intended to wake up early, hire motorbikes and hit the market early in the morning. we were told the market was 100m from the villa. and after all the shopping, we would marinate the meats and head off to the hot springs for the afternoon on our motorbikes. and we would return to the villa for the barbecue... we would then check out the next day and make our way to ho chi minh city and spend the evening there before checking out the next day. that was the plan. but what unfolded was rather different.

we arrived as planned and were faced with the first challenge. the driver couldn't speak english, and we couldn't speak vietnamese. haha... thankfully, he knew where to bring us to. and by the time we reached the villa, it was close to midnight. we were presented with the next shock. we had expected 4 rooms but it had only 3. so in the end, all the girls had to sleep in the master bedroom while the guys shared 2 rooms. it was almost 3am when we slept. the next day, all the girls woke up late and the guys took the opportunity to walk around the estate. i took a look at google map and concluded that there was no real civilisation anywhere near where we were, much less motorbike rentals and markets... and this was subsequently confirmed by the villa cleaner. the nearest market was over 10km away. and after lots of discussions (yes, when traveling in a group, you can expect lots of discussions before decisions are made), we decided to just hire a cab and make our way to the market. by the time we finished our marketing, it was already late afternoon. so it was lots of preparations for some of us while the others went swimming and kayaking at and around the villa.

the marketing was one helluva experience. it reminded me of singapore in the 70s. stores were organised according to their produce type and packed close to one another. at the meat section, pork and different parts of the pig (intestines, stomach, etc) were arranged on wooden tables and there were many flies buzzing around the pieces of meat. it looked very distasteful considering many of the meat pieces looked dry and stale. and i do also note that they were selling cooked meat next to the uncooked meat. ewe... anyway, we couldn't find any stores that sell cut chicken parts. instead, chickens were sold live and slaughtered in front of you when you buy them. but what made all of us sick was that apart from the live chickens, there were also live goose, and puppies. yes, puppies. we decided not to purchase the chickens in the end and just focused on seafood.

anyway, the barbecue went well and by the time we ended, it was close to midnight. there were lotsa merrymaking and alcohol during the evening and many got drunk. and for the few of us who remained sober, we had to look after those who were drunk and clear up the mess that was created. it wasn't until about 3-4am before we retired. the next day was quite a blur as we cleared up and finished up eating the left over from the night before. we finally checked out of the villa after lunch before making our way to ho chi minh city itself.

zika & zikee

my colleagues and i had been sharing a lot of crazy nothings these days. and it was a really good way to release all the tensions that we face at work. and today, as we were having lunch, the topic drifted to the zika virus... and for some reasons, we started joking about it. here're some of the nonsense that came out of the conversation:

• imagine having a pet mosquito. the male would be called zika and the female, zikee
• next imagine, bringing zika and zikee to work. you have no choice but to do so cos at home, the government are conducting all sorts of mozzie wipe-out drills... you certainly cannot risk keeping your pets at home and risking them getting killed right? pets are family also, right?
• and at work, imagine you having to "walk" zika and zikee... and to do so, you have to put a thread-like leash on them before "walking" them (try visualising the walk...)
• and as you work, you would have to regularly go "bzzzz, bzzzz, sit! don't be naughty, down girl, down girl! sit!" mozzie-talk, disciplining the hyperactive mozzies...
• and oh, we also came to a realisation that we cannot bring zikee to our terminal 3 office. we've a pregnant staff there, and the sight of this pregnant staff would turn zikee on so much she'd go crazy...
• etc etc etc...

yup, that was the crazy conversation we had, and the story continued to evolve as we built on it. and we laughed so much we attracted quite a bit of attention at the staff canteen...

haha...

resemblance to mum

was surprised to get this message from my sis earlier on. had bought some durian mooncakes for her family and after dropping it off her place, she texted me to ask me not to buy such expensive things for her in future. and after a while, i got this message. well, i know i resemble my mum but never in my life had i expected my family member to make this comment... heh...

granddad's 47th death anniversary

i went to the columbarium to pay my respects to my granddad and commemorated his 47th death anniversary over the weekend. this coming thursday is the actual day and as i would be working, i decided to do it in advance. i also wanted to make sure i do it because of mum.

you see, mum had deep respects for granddad. when she was alive, she would make it a must to make offerings to him (and for that matter grandma) on major festivals and commemorate their death anniversaries. this, to her, was her duty as a daughter-in-law and as a way to show gratitude to my granddad. he had taken care of her and protected her from my abusive grandma and dad during the early years of her marriage before he passed away in 1969. she also made sure she install their tablet in our old house. that was the right thing to do as a dutiful daughter-in-law, she said. the tablet had since been decommissioned following her move out of our old house but we continued to perform these rites at the columbarium following the exhumation of his (and grandma's) graves a few years ago.

so... yeah, i think it is time i take over the responsibilities of this practise of paying respects to my grandparents. after all, amongst my parents' generation, there is but only one aunt left who's still fit enough to perform such rites. she had also recently expressed her wish to hand this responsibility to my generation.

gay porn, happy endings

i watched this short story last night before i slept. it was such a depressing show. my immediate reflection was that for some reasons, all gay shows tend to be depressing. there has not been, or at least i have not come across, stories about gay men that has a good ending. i supposed such stories and the depressing nature of the show is a reflection of the way things are for many gay men around the world, and sadly, the state of acceptance of gay men, particularly in asian countries. and in the case of this story (which serve to educate about hiv), i thought it was also depressing as it suggested how one could get infected from just one encounter. possible although the probability is relatively low, in my opinion. but yeah, i guess to educate, one must have the shock factor. sighs...

anyway, on a more funny note, i texted this link to a friend and he shared similar sentiments. and quickly the conversation ended with "i prefer gay porn, it always has a happy ending"... pun fully intended.

lol!

impending visit to ho chi minh

this coming friday, i will be visiting ho chi minh with my colleagues - 8 of us altogether. 

it would be an interesting experience for me for several reasons. firstly, this would be the first time i'd be heading overseas with a group of young people - almost all of them are below 30, other than one or two who are in their early-30s. these colleagues got along very well with me and i suspect it was because most of them were recruited by me and i had continually reach out and check on them. so, they have happily embraced me as part of their group and they have shared their highs and lows with me as they grow with the company. and in many ways, they see me as their mentor, and a friend. secondly, the logistics and program that they have planned is something i have not done for a long while. for example, we will be staying in a villa and we'll be sharing rooms, and doing activities as a group, and on motorbikes too! 

well, i'll just go with an open mind and simply enjoy the experience.

conservative voter

early today, i read in the papers that hk-ers would be heading to the polls to vote for the legco. it reminded me of a tv political debate i watched when i was in hk last month. there were no lesser than 12 independent candidate/ political parties in the debate. it was rather entertaining to watch the debate as the format included one segment where they interject each other as one party spoke. it was rather confrontational and each political party went out of their way to put down each other. personally, i felt the quality of the debate was rather bad and my thoughts at that time was - thank goodness the political debates in singapore was not conducted in such manner. anyway, as a non-hk person, i could only marvel at how they got their politics done.

so, after being reminded of the voting, i decided to text my friend joe from hk. happy voting, i texted. he replied that he had not voted and was undecided about who to vote. his reply surprised me. it was not something i'm used to. for me, i would head to the polling station early, and i would be very clear about who i would vote for. my friend added, rather quickly, that singaporeans are lucky to have the lees and that they were often jealous about singaporeans. i was somewhat taken aback by his response as i had never expected people to know about singapore's politics, much less be jealous about it. nonetheless i replied, half correcting him, that singaporeans are blessed to have political leaders (not just the lees) that have people in their hearts, are responsive and listens.

i shared further that when it comes to voting, i am a conservative, and a realist. i tend to focus on what i have instead of what i don't. and in doing so, helped me be happy. and being a realist, i chose to influence political change by evolving it through constructive feedback. change will take time, but it needs to evolve, i strongly believe. i personally do not think singapore is so bad to the point where we need a revolutionary change to things. revolutionary changes are what idealist often look for, and they are always unhappy with things and want to see things change immediately, and in a big way. to me, while i respect idealists for their energies and their passion, i also think such changes are very stressful and full of negative energies, and often a times, many people would end up suffering.

i supposed my sharing resonated with joe as he agreed with my thoughts and shared that he simply wanted to lead a simple and happy life in a quiet and safe environment. he lamented that this was often interrupted by protesters. i sensed his frustrations as he shared but i didn't probe further. i did not want to come across as trying to influence his voting. we quickly change our topic after that...

one piece gold

watched this show last weekend but had to leave the cinema after half hour cos bee's mum had a fall. went back to the cinema for it again last evening. enjoyed it although the storyline was a little far fetched. then again, it was an anime. very entertaining.

:-)

chalk & duster

watched this indian production on tv yesterday and totally loved it. had been such a long time since i last watched any indian production. the plot revolved around how a power-hungry school principal unfairly removed two school teachers in an attempt to turn the school into one that caters only for the rich and powerful. it was hard not to feel for the teachers after seeing how the principal wrecked havoc in school and how she maneuvered her ways amongst the parents and the board members. the story ended with these two teachers being paid 50 million rupees by the board, reinstated, and the principal apologizing to them. a simple storyline but with many many touching moments. there were a few areas that i didn't like about the show such as how the feud between the teachers and the school's management got resolved via a reality game show but the overall feel good factors and happy ending more than made up for it.

this show would be a most appropriate choice for screening in schools on teachers day.

zika virus

singapore reported almost 200 cases of locally transmitted zika virus over the course of last week. it started off with a sudden announcement of some 31 cases in one of the local housing estate. the announcement took many by surprise and were were quick to make online allegations that the government had withheld information... thankfully, this was quickly put to rest as the government ramped up efforts to wipe out mosquitos, educate people and iterate to everyone on the need to clear stagnant water, etc...

it is fortunate that the quick actions prevented this medical epidemic from deteriorating into that of a crisis of fear. while it is unfortunate that the outbreak has finally reach singapore, it is also perhaps a long forgone conclusion that singapore will get hit sooner or later, considering the facts that singapore is a very small country, singaporeans travel frequently, and hundreds of thousands of tourists pass through our borders daily. for me personally, considering the mildness of the effects of the virus, i had half the thought to deliberately get myself infected (if i had already not been infected, as i had a bout of flu two weeks back) so that i can get lifelong immunity. 

heh heh...

"forgive"

i have decided to change my whatsapp status to "forgive".

i realised i had been harbouring a lot of hatred and angst towards some people at work, particularly my new hod. it was because of this hod that many people in my previous company, and myself, had suffered this demotion. and for me personally, to get a few emails trashing me unfairly and being used as an excuse to get to my previous boss. i need to move beyond taking things personal, much as it was personal from the way my current hod had told me - i have decided to demote you simply because this other person was my ex-colleague and our friendship went back a long way, and if you cannot accept it, i can understand if you choose to leave...  will just do my work quietly as i look around for a new job.

and by forgiving, i will be giving myself the chance to be happy again.

depression

i think i am suffering from depression.

and i said this after reflecting my behaviour over the last 3-4 months, and confirming it after googling and reading up more on depression symptoms. anti-social behaviour, lack of interest in things/ life, easily irritable, short-tempered, increased forgetfulness, substance abuse, engage in risky behaviours, decreased libido/ loss of interest in sex, etc... everything i read described me to the dot. and this realisation worries me for it had crept onto me without me even being aware of it. this was so unlike previous few occasions where i was able to control and manage myself and not allow it to spiral out of control. 

from my reflection, the consistent hits i get in my life in recent months is wearing my down and it is affecting me to the point where i am hurting my friends. and i think it started with the series of losses - starting from my mum's passing in november last year and then my dog in march this year. and this was followed quickly by the loss of my family, my niece and nephew, my maid, and then my being demoted as a result of the acquisition, potential loss of my job, the constant toxic work environment, bad health, back issues, failure to secure a new job, again and again, etc etc etc.... and it didn't do good that at work, we were literally told to just shut up and focus on our new areas of responsibilities. 

and over the last few months, i have gotten irritable, snapped at people, cut them off from my social circles, avoided some friends, kept to myself, lost interest in life, in people around me, la la la... for that matter, i had also decreased my blogging to the point of almost stopping it altogether. ok, ok... just one conclusion - depressed.

if this goes on, i'll go seek medical help.

playing mahjong

it's been a long long while since i played mahjong.

and i did so again on friday night after dinner. you see, i joined my colleagues for dinner friday and by the time we ended, it was about 10-ish. and since a few felt rather energetic and didn't want to go home, we decided to head to the house of one colleague to play mahjong. such a refreshing experience for me, considering i had not touched the mahjong set since more than a decade ago!

and as usual, i ended up losing. i've never had any luck when it came to gambling... heh heh. but yeah, it was fun. then again, the game was just an excuse to continue being together into the night. most of the time during the game, everyone was just bitching about their respective department office politics and how people are being "mistreated" by their new colleagues. and it was such an enlightening experience cos for the first time, i was exposed to the internal dynamics of some other departments. lots of angst and lots of tensions. 

and through these sharing, i learned a couple of things. and they include firstly, the negative effects of the integration are more pervasive than i had expected. and while it was interesting to learn of their respective department internal dynamics, it was even more interesting how they see and interpret developments within the company, and i must say, many a times, what they interpret were very accurate. secondly, such sharing allows people to vent. it releases their pent up tensions. and i could see the maturity of my colleagues such as how, despite their young age (most are in the late-20s, early-30s), many were able to draw their lines clearly between what's their personal opinion and how they should respond professionally. it reflected well on them.

however, sadly, i do also sense a the loss and helplessness for a couple of them. this was so because it is their first job or that they had just joined the company less than a year ago. and for these colleagues, they know that it would not do them any good to quit as it would affect their resume. they didn't want to come across as job hoppers, especially so in the current weak job market.

sighs....

bad office environment

this week passed quicker than i had expected. and this was, to a large part, because i had kept myself occupied and busy with some tasks at work. with things to do, time passed a little faster. this despite the fact that fundamentally, these are things that i do not think i am supposed to do, given my "decreased" scope of my job. nonetheless, i didn't bother to query further. in my current workplace, my attitude, and the same for almost everyone from my previous company, is to "don't ask too much and just do what we are told". any suggestions  would be interpreted as "being uncooperative, refusing to change (following the integration), and showing bad attitude". 

yup, it's been coming to 4 months following the physical integration of my company and another and the overall climate is still not too good. despite the cordial and co-operative stand that many of us show, there has been and continue to be, lots of internal angst given the treatment we get from the new colleagues. however, as far as the ceo is concerned, he continue to have the impression that we are happy and that staff from the other company have very low morale. he seemed to not have any feel of the ground despite the fact that he is located physically in the same office as us... 

anyway... we are already starting to see the intensity of people leaving the company pick up. august alone saw no fewer than 5-6 people resigning. let's see how this pan out in the coming months.