dreamt about jeremy

i dreamt about jeremy (a good friend who calls me "kor" or "big brother") 2 nights ago. here's how the dream unfolded.

i was in a crowded place that looked like a school canteen. there were two long tables in front of me. in one table sat jeremy's brother & his partner and a whole lot of strangers. i was on the other table with quite a few strangers too. in the dream, i recalled i felt rather stressed up and unsettled. and then, jeremy appeared. i saw him walking from afar towards the canteen. in no time, our eyes met and i stood up and walked quickly towards him as he did the same. we grabbed and hugged each other very very tightly. it felt really good and we both didn't want to let go. in no time, i felt awkward as i was conscious everyone was looking at us and i loosened my grip and lightly pushed him away. and for some unknown reasons, i walked away from the scene. i tapped his brother & his partner's back as walked off.

the dream ended there. quite a weird dream that had no start and no end. i related this dream to jeremy and he simply laughed it off. well, time to get together and have a meal, he said.

hahah!

my photos

had procrastinated over this for many years and finally decided to just do it. got all my old photos reframed and touched up. decided on gold frames for the black and white photos (that have turned yellow and hence matches the gold), and silver frames for my graduation photos (that are blue based and thus go very well with silver). thought this composition is very nice. 

and so finally, my living room's main wall will no longer be blank.

sapphie @ home

i've been searching for a small dog figurine to place at my parent's niche at the columbarium for the longest time. finally found it two weeks ago and got it installed last week. cute right?

:-)

hurricane irma

i am reminded of the period where i was based in florida when i read about hurricane irma. it was an interesting experience for me to go through charley, frances, ivan, and jeanne and i cannot find any word that can fully describe how i felt. especially for charley - my first experience and driving in the dark through the everglades to take shelter in miami. my heart goes out to everyone in florida at this point in time in time as everyone awaits irma's landfall. for those who has the ability to run/ evacuate, please do so. and for those who have decided to stay put, i do wish everyone all the very best as they brace themselves for the monster.

a child's smile

an ex-colleague of mine gave me a toy shark for christmas last year - the type that is made of rubber and painted to look life-like. the whole idea about giving me a shark was because the initials of our lunch click of four spelt "jaws". no better way to make me remember the group than by giving me a toy shark right? all the more apt as it coincided with my farewell back then.

i had placed this shark on my shelf since and it had been collecting dust for the last 8-9 months. and as i did my housecleaning yesterday, i decided that i should give it to someone who would be able to appreciate it more. so i took it down the shelf, cleaned away the dust and brought it downstairs where parents and their young kids usually congregate. and sure enough there was this little toddler, no more than a year old, by the swimming pool.

he was at the age where he needed assistance to walk an extended distance. he was merry making by himself and savouring his little achievements in each little step he walked. and his mother was nearby keeping watch over him. i walked up to him, acknowledged his mother and gave the toy shark to him. he took it curiously, and within quick moments, his face glowed, his mouth gaped and his eyes opened up wide! in no time, he was making faces as he held the shark and looked into its'  face. he looked so funny! 

it was such a pleasant and heartwarming sight! his mom stood there speechless for that moment too, only to utter "he is soooo happy!" after a few seconds. and she thanked me for the toy. it's my pleasure, i said as i walked away from the little boy. 

:-) 

eyesight? mindlessness?

i am not sure if this is normal (such as due to aging), or it is something that i should be concerned about. you see, i am a person who would craft my email as i think and before sending it out, i will proofread my email content again and again to ensure i get my message right. and in the process, i will restructure my sentences, and my paragraphs in order to bring the most important point forward. this is the inverse writing technique as i was taught decades ago - it is supposedly the most effective technique to bring ones' point across.

but lately i have noticed one very interesting thing - i tend not to see things. i tend not to see my mistakes when it comes to structuring my sentences correctly. on top of that, i often end up having double words. the thing disturbing about these double words are that my mind would be thinking of one word but i will type another word. for example, when i want to type "that are", i end up typing "are are" or "that that". and i would be totally oblivious about it... and worst of it all, i don't see these double words when i proofread. i will only discover it after i re-read my mail again a day or two later.

these mistakes are getting too often to be comfortable. a case of deteriorating eye sight or a case of mindlessness? 

should i be worried?

ps: and i do the same read, reread, amend, restructure etc for my blog entries too. 

rough night

this is another show where you will watch when you have nothing else better to do. lotsa superficial girly fun, that i am sure, many gay men (like me) will be able to identify. enjoyable, fun, crazy, at times tense, but overall, just easy-going.

tinder

i downloaded tinder and experimented with it last week. it was an interesting app. had all along thought it was an app for straight people until not too recently, a gay friend mentioned he had been using it too.

the app was designed to allow only mutual matches to connect. this, i thought was unique and interesting cos it provided individuals to safeguard his/ her preferences (male or female). on the other hand, it can be quite damaging to one's ego if there is constantly no match! 

haha...

kooza

caught the last show before it ended its run in singapore over the last weekend. thought the performances were very good and enjoyed most of it. but there was one that i felt very uncomfortable, almost to the point of wanting to walk out. that was the one performed by the 3 chinese ladies where they bend their bodies... it was freakish! one performance stood out for me and that was the wheel of death. loved the overall colours and vibrance!

:-)

completed flagship event

this past week was a defining one for my whole team. we conducted the company's flagship learning event locally and managed to accomplish close to 10,000 attendance for training. it was superbly draining for me particularly as i was single handedly doing logistics runs daily between the different locations across the island. glad its over. next week, gonna head back to office with one whole week of backlogged to clear...

not looking forward to it, frankly

zoo & river safari

bee and i visited the zoo last weekend and the river safari yesterday. i really enjoyed the trips. for some reasons, i've always been attracted to the wilderness and wild animals and i have always enjoyed trips to such places. anyway, shan't write too much about that here.

the reason why i wanted to write this post was that the two visits made me reflect about life and death and how everyone of us, including the animals, will take the same path. during the visits, it struck me that many of the animals (that i had known since years ago) have either passed away or are dying from old age. one of the most high profile passing was that of the zoo icon ah meng the orang utan in jun 2008 at the age of 48 years old. and after that, i witnessed one animal after another leaving, the last being omar the white tiger two months back (pic above shows winnie on the left and omar on the right, winnie died in 2014 of a jaw tumor, and omar in jun 2017 of skin cancer and joint degeneration). and i made this reflection when i saw the old and tired looking inuka - the resident polar bear in the zoo.

inuka is 26 of age this year and has outlived the normal life span of polar bears kept in captivity. he was the first polar bear to be borned in the tropics in captivity. i still recalled how cute he looked when he was born (above picture) and how he was looked after by his mother, sheba. sheba died in 2010 of old age at 35 years of age and inuka had been living alone since then. he looks really tired these days and suffers from arthritis. the zoo had announced that they will put him down if his condition deteriorates to the point where his quality of life is threatened. and from the look of things, i do expect him to be put down very soon (in a matter of days or months at most). it's gonna be a very sad day when that happens.

anyway, at the river safari yesterday, i made a remark. i said that for some reasons, all the zoo rangers seemed very young, almost like little kids. i pondered if they indeed are indeed so or that was a simple case of an enlarging age gap between me and the rangers. and it is not difficult to conclude which is which.

:-)

respect

"no one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion..." (or, if i may add, his sexuality)

obama, quoting mandela 

snatched

some words that came to my mind when i watched this show include seriously?, stupid, unbelievable, heartwarming, wtf... well, you get what i mean. yup, if it was not for the fact that there was no other shows i watched, i wouldn't have even bought the tickets for this show. then again, such brainless shows are quite good for the soul once a while, especially when you are really stressed out and just wanted to blank off...

grindr sex

i have the grindr app on my mobile. going into this app has become a habit for me as i am always either curious who's gay around me, how many gay cuties are there nearby, or whether anyone has send me any messages... (ya, i even roll my own eyes at myself for doing all these).

i remembered some years ago, i commented that many in grindr somehow registered their age as 23 years old (and i recalled many of my blogger friends responded that they indeed reflected themselves as 23 years old!). but this time round, i noticed people in grindr around me tend to be 25 years old! lol! do i sense a shift in perception of "ideal age"? anyway, i don't really believe what's posted in grindr. many indicate an age that is easily 5 years younger than their actual age. and this is clear cos when they send you their pic, its so obvious. also, i do see many posting things like "friends only, no fun" or "strictly chats". but when they text you, their first few messages invariable include things like "top/ bottom?", "1/ 0?", "do you want to play/ have fun?", "fun?", "seek?"... or some even went as far as "cf?", "i wanna top you". i even have some who initiate a conversation with their cock pics and measurements! so... it's a world of make believe in there. and naturally, many i know shared that what they see is always not what they get... and mostly, people are nice from far, but far from nice. i can totally understand. lol!

so yeah, it's a world where physical attractions is the order of the day. as superficial as it might seem, it's just a fact. of cos, don't judge me like a few did. they asked - you are attached, so how come you are in grindr? oh purleese, this world can really do without such judgements. it's a free world and we can do what we want. since when partnered people cannot download grindr? 

gintama

watched this show last evening. i was told reviews of the show rated this a 5-popcorn show. frankly, i don't understand how it can be rated 5-popcorns. i would perhaps give it a 2-popcorn rating only. 

anyway, trust the japanese to produce such a show - an over-the-top production that you cannot really appreciate unless you have some background about the anime series. you see, usually, we have production where cartoons/ anime imitates real life human world. but for this production, it was humans acting out a anime series. and so, we end up having a show where people behaved like anime characters - lotsa exaggerated actions, people shout at each other as they talk, punch and slap each other like as though it was the most natural thing to do, wore awkward-looking costumes that came across as trying too hard, slapstick jokes/ scenes, and so on... 

initially, i thought it was interesting, refreshing and somewhat funny. but when it kept going on and on and on, i started to feel somewhat irritated. it was hard to keep up with the show especially when i watched it after midnight. but well, after convincing myself that this is supposed to imitate an anime, the expectations dropped and i simply just enjoy the show for what it was. and of cos, just ogle at the few good-looking actors in the show.

2 popcorns. for the effort and the novelty.

handling crying kids

over time, i had observe how parents of different races handle their difficult children and i saw a trend. i suspect the differences in behaviour is due to culture. here's what i saw and some of my thoughts about it:

• local (generic term to include singaporean and malaysian) chinese parents tend to tell off their kids when the kids cry. not uncommon to hear the parents go "quiet! don't cry!" firmly - no opportunities given to the kids to reason or respond and so we often see local chinese kids pout/ looking sad. of cos there are some that do spoil their kids outright and give in whenever their kids cry but these are the exceptions and not the norm. as such, in public places, i do not see many wailing and spoilt local chinese kids... ok, maybe a few, but not the most... compared to...

• Indian indian parents tend dote on their kids. the parents will respond to them whenever their kids cry. at the other end of the spectrum of response, Indian indian parents let their kids continue to scream and wail and they won't really entertain them. in another words, i have never seen any Indian indian parents get firm on their kids. as such, in public places, whenever i hear screaming and wailing kids, more often than not, they are from india indian families. (note: i use "indian indian" to differentiate with singaporean indians. singaporean indians tend to behave more like local chinese [see above]).

• local malays tend to have many children and often whenever one child cry, it is the elder siblings that respond (surprising right?)... this is interesting cos malays tend to move around in family units and as their family units are relatively larger than that of chinese and indians, their internal family support is usually very strong. so, in public, i tend to see malay families being very noisy but seldom have crying children.

• caucasian (generic term for all westerners regardless of nationalities) tend to have a good balance between being firm and letting their children cry on and on. more often than not, i see the parents trying to reason with their child and if it fails, the parents will end up being firm. and if the child continue to cry, the parents will just leave them be. so, most caucasian families do not have crying babies but babies that, in a way, behave rather "maturely".

well... these are just observations of the behaviours of the different broad racial groupings. i do think the different responses is a reflection of the different cultures. interesting right? so... for me naturally, whenever i hear kids wailing, my natural quick conclusion would be - must be indian babies. what do you think? do you have similar observations?

52nd national day

today the country celebrates its 52nd national day. 

for me, it is a day to simply chill and relax. decide to just not do any work and give myself a mental break. have been working 18-hour days almost daily and that is not good. kinda crazy pace at this point in time and didn't help that i had 2 less people to work on the kpis. just have to pull up my socks and push on...

gonna sleep early and see how it goes. i might just wake up at 4am again...

fire & fury

i am shock to hear such words coming from the man himself. such words do not feature in diplomacy in my opinion, or rather, should be used only when relationships are in such dire state that the next option is war itself. it will be really catastrophic if the world gets drawn in all because of the loose tongue one old man who is taking some risks and playing some political games according to his own rules.

then again, i might have to reserve my comments as i do not know the whole story. but whatever it is, the fact that we have senior officials warning that such words are irresponsible says a lot about the man himself and the state of internal affairs by itself. not very assuring. and certainly not something that we expect from a country that everyone had, until jan 17, look up as the leader of many things. interesting and tough times...

let's see what happens next.

the dark tower

watched this movie on friday night. was totally tired out given the very intense week but was adamant to watch it as i wanted desperately to have a good early start to the weekend. so, nothing beats going for a show friday night. surprisingly, it was a good and interesting fantasy show. it had elements of science (portals, inter-stellar travels, space, etc) as well as superstition/ religion (devils, myths, monsters, etc). and it was really ingenious, the way stephen king, the author of the story, weaved in all these details.

great show to watch!

month of medical tests

thinking back, i can say this month was really a month of medical tests... i cleared my hiv test, std test, and now my cancer test. so... i supposed it is a good closure to the month, knowing that i am a-ok. 

completed colonoscopy

finally completed the procedure. wasn't as bad as i had thought. and it was because i was totally unconscious throughout the procedure (and i thought i was supposed to be only sedated!).

well, i walked into the clinic, registered, changed into my hospital gown, ushered in in no time where the nurse explained the full procedure to me (again), and inserted a plug onto the back of my hand. waited for a while and my number flashed for me to enter one of the suite. once inside, i was greeted by a team of nurses and made to lie onto the bed. a nurse came to me, turned me to my side, exposed my butt and applied some lubricant. the doctor came to me, chatted for a while and told me it'll be a relatively straight forward procedure. and she told me i should take another day to rest. one day is not enough, she said, she'll cover me for 2 days and leave it to my discretion if i should take tomorrow to rest. 

after that, one of the nurse came, injected two syringes of sedatives into the plug and i slipped into unconsciousness almost immediately. next thing i knew, i was woken up by a nurse and i was asked if i wanted some beverage and biscuits. well, all done in less than half an hour. but i slept for almost an hour plus, drink some beverages, and slept for another hour plus before i was allowed to change up and get ready for discharge.

was called to a debrief room where a senior nurse explained the findings to me. showed my the photographs of the interior of my large intestines (up to the ilium or "end of the small intestines"). no polyps or any sorts but there were signs on inner haemorrhoids. so, nothing to worry about. for the haemorrhoids, if i show any signs of blood in the stools, i should get to the hospital to get it removed. otherwise, i should take more high fibre diet and it should be fine. 

:-)

ps: the estimated cost for the whole procedure after all the government subsidies, medishield plus, medisave, etc. is about s$40 cash upfront (the actual cost without the subsidies and government medishield etc is about s$2000-plus).

colonoscopy prep 2

and here i am, sitting on my throne since 7-ish this morning doing my work and clearing my guts off at the same time. the laxative tasted ok, not as bad as i had expected it to be. needed to drink a cup (250ml) per 15min and a total of 8 cups (2 litres in total) over a 2-hour period. and it's been almost 3hrs since i started and i am now passing clear liquid non-stop! i supposed my fluid diet yesterday helped a lot.

and as the time for the procedure closes in, on thought came to my mind - whether my pubes are well-trimmed before i head to the hospital. hahaha... i supposed only a gay person will think of such thoughts before the colonoscopy procedure! totally roll eyes...

:-P

ps: the hospital doctor called and asked me to report at 1.30pm instead of 3.50pm (as earlier scheduled). this way, the procedure could begin at about 2pm, she said (it's a she again!)...

colonoscopy prep 1

have been on fiber-free diet for 3 days in preparation of the procedure tomorrow. and today, its just pure liquid diet, and i'm feeling hungry... arghhh... will need to take laxative tomorrow and from what i read from the net, it looks like i'll be in for a jolly good time just sitting on my toilet bowl...

needed to admit by 3.50pm for the procedure. totally not looking forward to the laxative...

lol!

ps: and i am really wondering how the hell i can go collect my car from the servicing center if i have to stay in the toilet... still no solution in sight. sighs...

sending car for servicing

decided to send in my car for servicing yesterday. had been long overdue and have procrastinated on it. there was a loud clapping sound whenever i drive and the sound had been getting louder over the last 2 months or so. i vaguely recalled the service center agent telling me something about the engine that needed to be fixed the last time i serviced my car 6 months back. and so with the assumption that the sounds was due to the engine, i had expected the cost of servicing to be very high this time round. 

made a booking early this week and been told to send in at 9am on saturday. and after describing the issue to the agent, i was told it would take a while for them to trouble shoot and to repair the car. i was also advised that the earliest i would be able to get the car would be monday. that was kinda tricky as i would be on colonoscopy prep on monday... but decided to tell them to go ahead nonetheless. i got a call from the service center agent later in the day telling me that the engine was ok (whew!) but the ball bearings of the two front wheels needed to be changed. it was a huge relief for me as i had expected worst.

:-)

completing an event

my team and i had just completed an event and i was so totally exhausted. it didn't help that i came down with a bad flu too. managed to get an mc on friday and had been sleeping like a log for the past 2 days. it was indeed a much needed rest considering the amount of work that i had to do and the whole build up of the stress over the last couple of weeks.

but yeah, the whole team felt good about completing the event. 

:-)

intense & erotic dream

i had a really intense and erotic dream last night. it was a dream and involved me and an old friend - someone that i had not contacted for a long while. really didn't know why he came to the dream.

it was a dream where i couldn't remember where or how it started but in one particular scene, i found myself at a place that was really run down, and the floor was full of mud/ clay. on the floor was my friend, sleeping on a mat. he was in deep sleep and didn't know i was there. i laid down beside him and gazed at him as he slept. he looked so sweet and peaceful. i noted he had a hard on and i inserted my hands into his shorts. my action startled him from his sleep and he woke up. he initially resisted but i pressed him down gently as i continued fondling him. ok, shan't go into details. it'll sound wrong for me to go on... heh.

and no, it wasn't a wet dream although i must say the ending shook me up from my sleep and i had to check if i had one.

lol!

war for the planet of the apes

this was the second show i watched over the weekend that has the word "planet" in it. this show was the last of the series of the "planet of the apes" series. it certainly gave a very fitting end to the show. i enjoyed the way the show unfolded and how both apes and human fought and struggled with their internal values. certain scenes did remind of me george orwell's animal farm - such as when caesar realised he had, over time, become no different from koba. but as in all shows, he eventually came to his senses and the righteous part prevailed. it was sad to see him die in the end, but i supposed it was to be expected.

in my opinion, this was also the best of the trilogy, the acting was superb, the music, the production, etc... everything came together very nicely.

totally enjoyed it.

valerian & the city of a thousand planets

i watched two movies this weekend and both has the word "planet" in it. this was the first. this was such a fun show to watch. very imaginative, very fast paced and very beautiful. certainly gives an interesting perspective to how technology will evolve and how humans will live their lives in the future. 

great start to my weekend.

of taxi and bus drivers...

you know you've grown pass a certain age when you start finding taxi and bus drivers cute. heh...

but don't get me wrong, there's really nothing wrong about these uncles. rather, i'm speaking from a typical stereotype point of view where taxi and bus drivers are generally the uncle-next door type of person and not the hot jock adonis greek god bodied personas that most would imagine gay ideals should look like. expectations...

and as a matter of fact, these days there are increasing number of taxi and bus drivers that are younger than me. and to me, with youth comes a certain level of virility, good looks, and attractiveness. and that is very sexy, to me at least. lol. i know, i'm very shallow writing this post, but what the heck, do please allow me to indulge in some shallowness once a while...

oh, i just saw a very cute taxi driver yesterday. and i slowed down my car just to catch a second, third and fourth glimpse of him...

spiderman: homecoming

i would have liked this movie a lot more if not for the irritating character that was peter parker's best friend. so irritating.

dreams of being chased

i had the weirdest dream this morning. i woke up feeling confused and in my drowsy state wanted to connect and remember the whole dream, but i couldn't and fell back to sleep. it was an uneasy short sleep after that. here're snippets of the dream to the best of what i can remember.

at the start of the dream, i was in a semi-dark room full of people. from a first person's perspective, i was looking at a lot of people and i couldn't make out their faces. then someone pointed out that i was fully naked. and from a third person perspective, i saw myself nude and awkward. i was trying to cover myself using my hands.

i found myself out at sea and it seemed like i was drifting - i couldn't make sense whether i was drifting further out or further in initially but after sometime, it seemed like i was drifting towards land. i couldn't make out how deep the water was but as i was nearing the shore, i decided to jump into the water. initially my legs could touch some soft mud but it was nothing i could stand on, i continue swimming towards the shore. through the whole period, the water was just superbly calm, not a single wave nor indications of choppiness. there was a wooden plank walkway that appeared beside me as i swam and i saw my friends on the walkway. they seemed oblivious to me swimming.

i found myself on land. and i was racing and running cos i was being chased and there was danger everywhere. i found myself in a car driven by someone familiar. but this was a faceless person and i didn't know who this person was. but it was someone i could trust. the car drove on and before i knew it, a dog (that appeared in the car) started to attack me. i found myself being chased in a dark forest. the car, with its headlights had fallen behind. soon enough, i was cornered by huge tree trunks and the dog (that now seemed more like a wolf) pounced onto me. i picked up a sharp object and struck its head. the head cracked and blood gushed out of it. it laid at the base of the tree beside me. dead. i was overwhelmed and burst out crying as i had, over time, grown to like the dog (or wolf?).

anxiety

i went for a std/ hiv blood test last week and the doctor told me he wanted to see me personally to give me the results. it's rather personal and i would like to share the results with you face-to-face, he said. before i left, the clinic assistant told me the laboratory will send them the results by monday latest and that i could visit the clinic on tuesday evening. i left the clinic feeling somewhat nervous. as the days pass, the feeling of anxiety started to build up. this despite the fact that i had taken the test before (but that was years ago when i retired from the force). at that time, the collection of my results coincided with my pre-retirement health check and given my anxiety, the medic couldn't get any blood pressure nor pulse check done properly. i felt somewhat similar this time round. what if... i kept thinking. 

i didn't head back to collect the results on tuesday as i had to work late and had dinner plans. and on wednesday, the clinic was closed in the evening. so, came thursday and i made a trip down to the clinic after work. nervously, i registered myself and was given a queue number. during this wait, i was extra sensitive to everything around me - why did the clinic assistant talk to me using that tone, why did she look at me that way... all sorts of scenarios went through my head. the few minutes wait was torturous. i decided to look onto the floor and just ignore everything. next thing i knew, the clinic assistant came up to me, erm, i am sorry, your results is still not out. we are not sure why, but we called the clinic and they said it is not ready. we'll call them again tomorrow and keep you posted once the results are out. so sorry. i was taken aback. i was told the lab usually takes 1-2 days. it had been 5 days. my head started spinning. my anxiety index shot up a few notch that evening. it was super unsettling.

the next afternoon (friday), i got a call telling me that they have gotten the results and that i could visit them anytime. and as i had back to back meetings through the day, i decided to only collect the results on saturday. after registration, the clinic assistant simply pass me an envelop with a huge red word "urgent" stamped on the front face of the envelop. i was kinda taken aback cos i thought the doctor wanted to see me... i gave her a bewildered look and she simply smiled and asked me to take a look before i decide if i wanted to see the doctor. i opened the envelop... took out the results...

i smiled and told her it's ok, i'll not need to see the doctor. 

i left the clinic.

resignation

the department will have a super big event this coming end-august and this week, 2 of my staff tendered their resignation. both will be gone by first week august. 

frankly, amongst the two, i am quite glad that one of them is leaving. this person was the one that has been the source of all internal tensions, and has been sabotaging me quietly behind my back (that i found out recently). everyone in the department cannot get along with this person due to relationship issues as a result of legacy internal politics. but on the other hand, this is also the person who has the most institutional memory about things and had helmed all the key programs the department handles, including the major event in august. and with this resignation, a lot of institutional memory, rationale of how and why things are done in a particular manner, etc will be lost. had initially planned to slowly transfer the know-how over time by assigning some of the responsibilities out and hiring people to take over. but... 

anyway, am kinda in a fix now. but as always, i just have to bite the bullet and see it positively that it is a fresh start for me. i have the opportunity to build my own team. the events will have to come and go. even if it means the department cannot meet the targets set. in the longer term, it is better for the department. 

pre-colonoscopy check

went to the specialist today for a pre-colonoscopy check. this was something arranged since a few months back given that i have crossed my 50 years of age. needed to do this to test if i have colon cancer. and so, after waiting for slightly more than 15minutes, my queue number started flashing. i walked in and there was this young 20-something looking little indian girl seated on the doctor's chair. she almost looked like a school-going kid! she even has pimples on her face! hahaha... anyway, she asked me about my family history, whether anyone had cancer, whether there was any other chronic illness in the family, whether my bowel movement is normal, whether i had frequent blood in the stools, and a lot of other questions relating to stools, etc and finally, why was i referred for colonoscopy. oh, i was asked to consider cos i am over-50 yrs old, i simply replied.

and then she asked me to lie onto the bed to feel my stomach. and (i was totally not prepared for this),  she asked me to turn, face the wall, pull down my pants till below my knees and bend my knees. and once i was ready, she applied a hell lot of lube onto my asshole, and inserted her finger into it to feel if there were any lumps. and that was not enough, after that, she inserted an apparatus in and twisted it around. it felt so uncomfortable! thankfully, it didn't last long. she handed my a stack of hand towels to clean myself and continuing speaking to me as i dressed up. so awkward right? but of cos, i acted cool and simply carried on the conversation with her as "professionally" as i could. was given a full explanation of the colonscopy procedure, that is to be done this coming 31 july. and thinking of the bloody long scope that is going to be inserted via my rear, i do feel a little apprehensive about it.

lol!

checked

paid a visit to the doctor this morning to get my breathlessness checked. lungs clear - not asthma, ecg done - heart functions normal. so... doctor could not figure out the cause of the issue but have given me medications for 2 possible causes - antacid in case it is due to gastric reflux, and prednisolone for possible asthma or respiratory track swell. have not taken the gastric reflux medicine, but the prednisolone certainly did help a great deal. can breath a lot better although the tendency to feel breathless is still there. but at least when i make the effort to take a deeeeeeeep breathe, i can fill my lungs.

need to visit the doctor again end of the week for a review.

breathless

for some reasons, i keep finding myself breathless these days. and i cannot even have a proper full lung even if i were to breathe in hard. and i am reminded of how my mum experienced the same when i looked after her. i wonder if taking prednisolone would help. perhaps i should see a doctor about it. hmmm...

transformers: the last knight

this is the worst show i've seen for a very long time. period.

blood test

the sore i mentioned had healed after applying some topical cream and a regime of antibiotics. and as a follow up, i had also gone back to the clinic for my blood test. will get the results next week. and oh, there's something i thought was quite funny. after extracting my blood, the doctor, an old man in his 70s, used a plaster to paste onto the puncture. but instead of pasting it onto the puncture, he pasted it onto a small black mole 2 cm away...

lol!

bonus + resignations

the company gave out the annual bonus last week. and for me, who had just joined the company less than half a year ago, i was pleasantly surprised that i have been given a pro-rated amount. technically, i do not qualify for this bonus (i joined the company a few days after the closing of the qualifying period). nonetheless, i felt appreciated by this little gesture. 

and as usual, with the bonus pay out done, we can expect to see some people resigning. it is a common occurrence in all the companies i have worked. for that matter, i have a staff who has made an appointment to see me tomorrow. and from another of my team member, this particular staff had spoken of the intent to resign for a while. this resignation mean there will be a short term impact for the team, but as always, the team should be able to bounce back within half a year or so. positively, it is a golden opportunity to effect change. 

for me, i do not try too hard to retain people if they've decided to leave. the reason for this is simple - you cannot keep a person who has decided to resign as the heart is already not there. and even if i can retain the person by offering more pay, i do not expect the person to stay. so... yeah, i'll simply thank this staff and ask if there are things that should be looked into or that i should do better. and i'll simply wish the staff well.

and in some warp sense, i feel a little excited about it.

:-)

burnt out?

i've never felt this way before...

i entertained the idea of resigning from my current employment and i was literally resisting work through the last few days. and my resistance was not so much because it was a public holiday long weekend, but rather, the whole thought of it made me really uneasy. i felt so unmotivated! the feeling didn't hit me on friday as i went out late. on saturday, which is usually the day when i would spend sometime to clear a little email, i told myself to just put it off. there's still the sunday and monday, i told myself. and yesterday, i was literally and very consciously avoiding going into the email despite my mind telling me that i should do it as there are pile ups that i should clear before the week starts. it wasn't until about 5pm before i logged in. i felt relieved that there weren't too many mails to clear.

by evening, i started feeling uneasy. i started thinking about all the people problems at work. all the work, all the issues that i inherited and i was hit by a wave of emotions. i wanted to leave the house to shop, to drink, to chill... to do anything. i just wanted to get out of the house instead of sleeping. i supposed mentally, i was not prepared to sleep for once i sleep, the week will start once i wake up. and i didn't want that to happen.

think i'm feeling burnt out.

quietness of the cemetery

it's become a routine for me to visit to the columbarium every few weeks to pay respects to my parents. once a while, i'd also drive through the cemetery next to it to get a moment of peace. for some reasons, cemeteries give me a sense of quiet and calms me. this weekend, i decided i'd just park my car at the columbarium and take a walk into the cemeteries instead. the sun wasn't too harsh and i also wanted to do some exercise. it was a good and interesting walk, going through the different blocks of burial sites that was filled through the different decades past. 

as i walked, the folds of the hills and rows and rows of graves appeared neatly in front of me. such a scene is not common locally and felt somewhat surreal. i walked pass the site where my paternal grandmother used to be buried before we exhumed her some time back. i recognised the huge angsana tree beside the grave that still stand today. i also visited the graves of my maternal grandmother and my uncle and i reflected on their lives as i looked at their photos. it is easy to recognise my grandma as my mum bore an exact semblance to her. she didn't like my mum when she was alive as my mum couldn't give her monthly allowances. also, coming from a traditional peranakan (straits-borned chinese) family, there was a natural tendency to favour boys to girls. as for my uncle, i reflected on the stories shared by my mum about him. he committed suicide by hanging himself at the age of 29 on 2 nov 1965, a year before i was born. and he took his life, to my understanding, due to heaps of debt as a result of gambling, and my granddad's disapproval of his intense relationship with a malay-muslim woman. cross-cultural and cross-religion relationships was considered taboo back in those days.

when i looked at their photographs and reflected on their life's stories, i also wondered if i should arrange for them to be exhumed and for their ashes to be kept at the columbarium. traditionally such exhumation is done by the families of male descendants but all my uncles had died and i don't think my cousins would do so for my grandma. and for my uncle, he was single and has no direct descendants to undertake the exhumation. i knew that doing so would be a huge disturbance to their rest but it is something that has to be done given the government's ongoing program to exhume old graves to make way for new burials. unclaimed graves would be exhumed and the remains kept for 3 years before they are scattered at sea. it would not be nice to allow this to be done especially when we are still around. i decided then to write an email to the agency responsible for exhumation to check what the procedures are, especially when i do not have their death certificates. let's see what they come back with. 

all said and done, i have always enjoyed my visits to the columbarium and the cemetery. i really like the peace and quiet of the place (although it do not do justice to the many untold stories of people resting here). it is a good getaway from the busy and complex world of the living. it relaxes me.

recent news

there's been a flood of news recently that saddens me...

firstly, it's the lee family saga that is playing out publicly following the posting made by the 2 siblings of the current prime minister. it attracted much attention and set the social media crazy. all the comments shared reflect the differences in opinions with regards where the line should be drawn between the personal and public capacities of both the individual (pm vs son) as well as the property (private property vs national monument). and of cos, in such situations, political divides appear and people's comments tend to become very emotional and many a times, very ugly. for and against, often illogical and a lot of name-calling. it's very sad.

secondly, in the international arena, i continue to get very confused about what's coming out of the states. the credibility of presidency, in my eyes, continues to spiral downwards. the behaviour of the president of the united states and the things he said has thus far fallen short of expectations! and the same goes to the staff of white house. as an outsider, much as i want to frame this as an internal issue for the americans, i am acutely aware that what the president does/ says/ tweets has a direct impact on the world. but of cos, the silver lining (hopefully) is that the institutions build over the years are strong and continue to be helmed by good people. let's hope it survives the man. for the states to be where it is today, it's very sad.

thirdly, i see senseless bombings and killings happening at many places and often, they are linked to terrorist actions. i often wonder how people can possibly still align themselves to such perverted ideology that supports the killing of people. perhaps that is what radicalisation is about. it destroys a person's mind, brainwashes a person and obscures the truth. so much so that people can still place their lives and trust to an organisation that even attempts to bomb the holiest site of islam - mecca. i cannot understand the logic. it's very sad.

depressing...

drained...

i have not thought about leaving my job (so early into my new employment) as much as i have for this current job... but no, don't get me wrong, its not because of the job. the job is meaningful and exciting. but the people issues are just too draining and the pressures to get things done are just too unrealistic. and when i tell this to my friends, they tell me it's not the work issue but it's me who's being a workaholic and expecting too much from myself.

i really don't think so. 

pulau ubin sunday

it was a good weekend for me. joined my friends for a pulau ubin cycling trip! and talking about the trip, it turned out to be some sort of a father's day celebrations for me.... lol.

you see, my ex colleagues (and very good friends) have always been addressing me affectionately as "baba" (or papa, whichever way you like) or "daddy". and whenever we head out, they'd look after me like as though i'm their "father". and so, it was kinda coincidental that the sunday outing to pulau ubin became some sort of "father's day" outing.

the sky was really nice and cool when we first started but by the end of the trip, the sky poured like crazy. thankfully, we had finished our adventures and on our way back to maintain singapore. of cos, we ended the day with a totally sumptuous dinner - a father's set dinner - at a peranakan restuarant. 

:-)

haiz...

it started with a small cut early this week, and then a sore that refuses to go away...

woman... sighs

i have so many woman issues at work. here're just some of them...

• women who do things (and that impacted people downstream like me and my team) without thinking when under stress 
• women who cannot stand other woman under them and do all sorts of things that i sometimes can just roll my eyes
• women who has an alpha-male personality and always like to boss people around
• women who talks down on people
• women who cannot draw distinction between friends and colleagues
• women who draw lines clearly based on the logic of my friends enemy is also my enemy
• women who make decision using their heart and not their head
• women who can come to you and say, i am not doing this, cos i cannot see why i should do it for that woman.
• women who are so conscious about who's credit it should go to for doing any specific tasks

the list goes on. it somewhat reinforces the point that men are complicated and women are complex.

and it is very draining....

post-hyderabad, long work week

last week was a really really long and tiring workweek for me. had not worked such long hours for a very very long long time. just look at my sentence... once sentence with 4 long words... lol. worked through the overnight flight on my laptop to rush for a meeting that had been organised for the monday (once i touched down). i had to cancel my monday leave as this meeting was something that had to go on as it involved our overseas staff. once i touched down, i rushed home, took a quick shower, and headed back to work. and it was non-stop meeting till past 6pm, after which my big boss called me up to follow up on some matters for her...  worked late till almost 10-plus before i headed home, by which time, i had not slept for more than 40 hours. that was my monday after hyderabad.

i literally died once i hit my bed on monday night. and tuesday was the same... worked from early morning till almost 11pm, and wednesday i had to manage a department annual workplace program involving almost 200 people. by the end of wednesday, i was a very relieved person. the event went well and my very happy boss asked me to take 2 days off. of cos i didn't la, it was not something a senior person would do right. nonetheless, as much as i was relieved, i was almost dead too. and when thursday came, i found myself unable to get out of bed properly. my body protested and i came down with a huge backache. i drove to work in my belief that my back would feel better once it is warmed up but in the end, i gave up as i couldn't even stand straight when i arrived at my workplace and had to make a detour to see a doctor. i was given 2 days sick leave. you need to just lie on the bed and let your body rest, the doctor ordered. i came home, rested for half a day, downed a whole lot of painkillers and then headed back to office to chair a long meeting that had been arranged. it was tough. friday was the same routine of 7-8 meetings through the day. i really find having so many meetings in a day not productive at all... then again...

and that was my long long long last week...

lol!

cancelled visa cards

i logged in to do my internet banking today and noted i had outstanding balances for my visa bills. i was kinda surprised as i had hardly use the two visa cards of this bank (ocbc). but for some reasons, it showed an outstanding balance of slightly more than a hundred dollars for both cards. i didn't check further but simply went ahead and executed the online payment. after paying up, the account still reflected an outstanding balance of s$100. feeling curious, i pulled out the e-statement and wohhhh, it showed a late fees of $100 for each of the cards (i.e. total of s$200). and as the payment for one of the cards had gone through, it meant i had already paid s$100! wtf!

in my whole life with this bank, i've never defaulted my payments and for some weird reasons, i am now charged a late fees of $100 for each card. i checked the dates again closely and yes, i did note my payment was overdue by a week (i supposed i was in india), but i felt one helluva cheated. cheated for the fact that i was not informed of the payment due date, and hear this - i had to pay s$100 late charge for a bill of less than s$60. feeling damned pissed off, i called the hotline and cancelled my both cards, and i even demanded that they refund the late charge that i had paid up. i don't find this acceptable, not when i've been with the bank for almost 3 decades!

bloody hell...

hyderabad as a whole

as a whole, my first trip to india was a very tiring and educational one. 

it was tiring for the fact that the program was packed back to back and we had to squeeze so many things into the short 3 days there. it didn't help that the weather was hot and that my mind was also so pre-occupied with my work. it didn't help that i had a chaperon who was too overzealous and wanted us to experience all things indian. on one hand, i appreciated his intentions, on the other hand, i really wished he would give us more leeway to shape the plans. then again, i think it could also be in part due to the cultural difference between india and singapore. for all i know, he could be thinking we were too courteous when we rejected his arrangements and pushed it further. whatever...

i also found the trip a hugely educational one. i had studied the history of india and i had read quite a bit about indian culture. and it was altogether another thing to be able to be there physically to see how the indians organise and live their lives according to their indian philosophies, their religions, their history, i was awe-struck by the whole experience.  so, will i go back to india again, i would say yes, but i will also want to qualify that i will do so provided i have guides or if i were to travel in groups. it is after all still a country that i am not too familiar with.

:-)

hyderabad day 3

we decided to do what tourists do on the final day of the trip. we visited an ancient fort - fort golconda. when we learned that our chaperon planned for more shopping in the morning before heading to the fort at 5pm, we decided to take things into our own hands. no, we insisted. no more shopping. we will head to the fort in the morning. wtf, so late, we thought, and no more dum biryani!

and so, the program for the day was changed. we headed to the fort in late morning. it was a good visit, in my opinion. very historical and gave us a glimpse a piece of hyderabad's history. i shan't talk about the fort, you can get them in wikipedia easily. but for many of us, the visit provided us many kodak-moments (old-fashioned word, but yeah, it relates). that was where all the camwhore-selves appeared in all of us. out came our smart phones, and we just clicked away. two of the ladies (from the media team) changed into their sarees and busied themselves posing from the base of the fort to the peak. apart from holding us back again and again, i frankly thought it was a little impractical, given the heat that drained our energies quickly. then again, they were just doing their job.

what's most interesting was the fact that many of the south asians we saw wanted to take pictures with us. i supposed it was not often that they see fair skinned people and thus we became interesting subjects for their photo shoots. and at the rate people were asking us to take pictures with them, we could have earned quick a bit if we charged them! lol! we ended the visit late afternoon and a number of us decided to head back to the hotel first. frankly, many of us were not in the state of mind to eat anything as we had more than enough of indian spices by then. 

the shopping came in the evening after we had our rest in the hotel. for quite a few of us, we wanted to just head to the shopping center outside our hotel for a quick starbucks and a cheesecake, but our chaperon ignored our requests and we ended up being driven to an indian bazaar some long distance away. many of us were fuming mad. a group of them who arrived at the bazaar earlier directed their car back to the hotel. for me, i was stranded with the chaperon who insisted we should shop for things indian. no, i protested. i needed to head back to the hotel. i needed to pack my things and check-out! in the end, my chaperon hailed an uber for me. and a few of my peers hopped along. 

by this time, many of us had had enough of the chaperon and we took over the control of the vehicles. we decided to self-organise into smaller groups and co-ordinated with the drivers at group-levels. we didn't want to subject ourselves to the chaperon's calls anymore.  for me, i decided to take over control of the whole group and appointed group ic for each vehicles. it was also time for us to consolidate and head to the airport for our trip back home. things panned out so much smoother with the chaperon sensing our displeasure and keeping quiet.

and that was our day 3 - historical and defiance.

:-)