Grateful: Gay Haunts

I thought the title “Gay Haunts” kinda fit today’s post. Here’s why...

• AM @ CBP. Similar to other days, it was an easy day that started with a morning walk around the business park next to my estate. Despite waking up a tad later than usual, I still managed to get in a decent walk and morning exercises. Now, the park where I walk is notorious for being a gay cruising haunt at night. The “activities” can start as early as 9-ish in the evening and go on till late into the night. But these days, since I started walking early in the morning, I have also begun seeing people hanging around (read: cruising) into the early morning hours. Once, a guy even stripped bare at the roundabout in front of me when the sky had already brightened. So daring of him, I thought. Anyway, I saw him there again this morning. He has since learned to ignore me, since I don’t respond to his nudity or cruising. Well...

• PM @ TM Beach. I decided to cycle to East Coast during lunch. It was a warm day and I got a nice tan. I had not cycled since bringing the bicycle home early last year, so it was an interesting experience for me. I wasn’t sure which route to take and decided to simply head towards East Coast via Tanah Merah (TM) Beach. I was quite pleased with myself when I reached the beach in less than half an hour. Now, TM Beach is known within gay circles as a place where some would head for nude tans. As I cycled past, I noticed workers clearing the shrubs and bushes. It didn’t look quite possible for anyone to be tanning in the nude. Or so I thought... until I spotted an elderly guy, probably in his late 60s or 70s, lying face-up and tanning in the nude at the breakwater. So daring of him, I thought. Anyway, I saw some nice wild Sansevieria plants (snake plant) by the beach and took one home. I left after that.

• Evening @ MR Toilet. In the evening, I visited Upper Thomson to buy some perlite for the Sansevieria plant that I had collected by the beach earlier. I visited 2 nurseries but did not manage to get everything I needed, so I decided to leave. I was still feeling warm from the afternoon sun and decided to walk to MacRitchie Reservoir (MR) a short distance away. I used to shower at the MR toilet after my walks and it always refreshed me. When I arrived, it was deserted and I had a really nice cold shower. Just as I was leaving, I noticed several gay men arriving. It wasn’t difficult to identify those who were cruising, as many would walk around with roving eyes and carry a bottle of mineral water. MR toilet used to be a cruising hotspot and many voyeurs would hang around. It has since quietened down after CCTVs were installed. I was surprised that the place was still teeming with men cruising. So daring of them, I thought. I left them to their game.

So it is probably a natural thought that I should title this entry: “Gay Haunts”. That aside, I am grateful for the relaxing pace, the peace, the wild Sansiveira plant, and the interesting sights. Sights that, in their own way, allowed me to reminisce about days gone by. And truth be told, these sights don’t titillate me to the extent they once did. Perhaps that’s what age does to you. 

LOL...

Grateful: Granddad's Anniversary

I paid a visit to the columbarium today to pay respects to my late paternal grandfather. This coming Friday will mark his 57th death anniversary. As I will be conducting training that day, I won’t be able to commemorate the occasion then, so I decided to do so a few days earlier. It was a simple affair - just some basic offerings of joss paper and a small donation to the temple.

It has been 57 years, and apart from me, I don’t think anyone else remembers the anniversary anymore. Doing this simple ritual is perhaps also a way of honouring my mum. Forever the dutiful daughter-in-law, she had always taken it upon herself to commemorate the occasion since his passing, and later, my grandma’s as well. In continuing the ritual, I suppose I am also continuing something she had quietly kept alive for so many years.

I decided to ask D to meet for lunch as I would pass by his place and was surprised he offered to accompany me to the columbarium. But I guess it was a good experience for him too - taking public transport with me and seeing what the place was like. Grateful for the company, and certainly grateful that I am still able to commemorate the occasion.

Hazy Skies (again)

The haze in Singapore has gone into the unhealthy range again. Certainly reminds me of the super hazy period back in 2015… although I must qualify - the 2015 haze was another league altogether! But frankly, apart from the smog and the light burning smell, I thought the skies look somewhat nice. The orange sun, the blurry buildings in the distance… it almost look like a cold misty winter morning! Heh heh… no, I’m no delusional. It’s just that since I can’t control the haze, I might as well make the best out of it, even as I take precautionary measures for my health. 

Right?

Grateful: Shoes

The title aptly captures what I did today: bought myself a pair of ASICS Kayano 32 Sunny Sizzle track shoes.

I had been looking for a replacement pair for quite a few weeks. You see, I have been having backaches, and my legs and hips ache badly after my daily walks. Despite all the stretching and rest, the pain has persisted. I had suspected all along that several factors could be contributing to it - my posture, insufficient warm-ups, the long walks, ageing, and, of course, a well-worn pair of shoes.

I have been wearing ASICS Kayano models for several years. The make suits me as I wear orthotics cos of my previously broken metatarsals. This time round, however, I wanted to see if there were more affordable alternatives that might suit me. I tried shopping online, visited several shops, considered different brands and models, but I just couldn't quite land on a pair that met my needs. Then the search became a little more urgent when I noticed how badly the soles of my shoes had worn down, with parts of them beginning to detach.

And so, I finally decided to stick with ASICS Kayano but upgrade to a newer version, despite having to pay a bit more. I was glad the shop had a pair that fitted what I was looking for - a nice colour, the right fit and, most importantly, the support I needed. They only had the display pair left, but since it fitted well, I decided to take it. I walked out of the shop with a sense of relief and felt happy: happy that I had finally ended my search. The new shoes should give me the support I need and, I believe, lessen the aches and pains I have been experiencing.

I should take the next couple of days to break them in and let my feet get used to them.

Picture from https://www.asics.com/sg/en-sg/gel-kayano-32/p/1011C284-400.html

Grateful: Peace Beneath the Rain

I was doing some work when it started raining outside. Feeling a little melancholic, I decided to get AI to help me write a song about the rain, before using another AI tool to turn the lyrics into an actual song. I asked for a ballad that was easy on the ears, and the outcome was surprisingly good. Now, the song has been playing over and over in my head... 

Here’s the song and its lyrics:

Peace Beneath the Rain

[Verse 1]

Rain taps softly on the window pane 

Washing the dust from a tired day 

I let each drop fall where it may 

And feel the noise inside me fade away 

[Pre-Chorus]

The clouds don't ask me to explain 

They simply loosen every chain 

[Chorus]

Let it rain, let it rain 

Clear the corners of my mind again 

Every drop takes a little weight 

Leaves me breathing at a gentler pace 

When the world feels hard to understand 

I find a little peace beneath the rain 

[Verse 2]

Puddles hold the silver afternoon 

Branches bow beneath the quiet tune 

I walk slowly, giving time its room 

And watch my scattered thoughts return too soon 

[Pre-Chorus]

But even restless thoughts can drift 

When the sky gives what it gives 

[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge]

I don't need an answer tonight 

Just a window and the softened light 

Let the water carry what I cannot name 

Till I meet myself without the ache 

[Final Chorus]

[Outro]

Let it fall, let it fall 

There is room inside it all

Simply enjoying myself with all these AI tools and am grateful to be reminded again of the convenience it gives me; and for the rain that cooled the weather down somewhat!

Grateful: Exhausted

I slept at 9-ish last night and woke up at 9-ish today. When I woke up, my whole body felt so wasted and my back threatened to give way. I didn’t actually get out of bed until almost noon! 

You see, I woke up at 5 last morning, had a quick breakfast, and then headed to town where I conducted a full day of stand-up training. After training, I headed to my aunt’s place to help with the end-of-7th-month prayers. I couldn’t even kneel properly to plant the joss sticks along the walkway. I was just too tired, and my whole body had stiffened up. The exhaustion really took its toll on me, and by the time I reached home, I literally just collapsed onto my bed after a nice cold shower! 

I’ve never felt so exhausted before. Was it a culmination of physical and mental stress, exacerbated by age? Idk. I just know I was exhausted. And for sure, the heat and humidity totally didn’t help! I slept deeply, and I’m glad I’m all good again after a good, slow day!

Still, I’m grateful for a day well spent: successfully delivering a new and highly challenging module; having an engaging and participative class; the chicken essence with cordyceps and ginseng tea that kept me going through the day; the opportunity to catch up with my elderly aunt and uncle; a nice cold shower; and, finally, a good night’s sleep!

Retirement & I

I read a blog by RB reflecting on his post-working life and it got me thinking of my own journey too. My "retirement" journey, that is. I have placed the word "retirement" in parentheses because I do not define retirement in the "traditional sense" - where one stops working professionally after decades of work. It is too narrowly defined, imo. To me, retirement is a state of mind - a state where one is financially stable and does what is meaningful to him. This definition is independent of work. As such, one can be working (or otherwise) and still be considered retired.

In Sgp, the current retirement age is 64 and this will be increased to 65 by 2030. For me, I told myself that I would want to continue working even after my retirement age. And I would work for the engagement, and not for the salary. This is important to me because, as a single gay person, apart from a couple of close friends, working is an important means to keep engaged with the community and society at large. It keeps one emotionally, mentally and physically healthy. 

This underpinned my decision to become a freelancer, and freelance in roles that are meaningful to me. This made me think deeply about "what is meaningful to me". It made me reflect on my purpose in life. It was a difficult thought process that took me years to crystallise. The latest articulation of it is simply this: to be able to help people and society. With this thought, the choice of what I wanted to do became clearer. I would be a coach, a mentor and a trainer. These are roles where I can help people, share my experiences, and support people as they navigate life, professionally or personally.

I am a realist when it comes to age. Like it or not, the society we live in is an ageist one. And as an HR person, I am very well aware that when people (read: employers) see the "6" in front of your age, whatever value you can contribute to them will take a backseat, and your resume gets put away. So I left my corporate life end-2023, at the age of 57 to prepare myself. To be a coach, trainer and mentor, there were skills, certifications and networks that I needed to establish. And I needed to get all these settled by the time I reached 60. 

I am now 3 months shy of 60. I have obtained the necessary certifications and I have established myself as a qualified trainer, a professional coach and a mentor. The training companies I have signed up with recognise my value and come to me when there are projects. I have the prerogative to accept or decline the projects when they are offered. For coaching, I have been doing it on a pro-bono basis, as and when my base of clients comes to me. Although the frequency is not as high as training, the coaching sessions have been deeply meaningful. The same goes for mentoring.

When I talk about retirement, it goes beyond just work and keeping engaged. There are tangibles, such as finances, housing, and so on that must be considered. I am grateful that the financial audit I did before leaving corporate gave me a clarity of how much I actually need - operational cost, in corporate lingo. This provided me with the basis to accept or reject training opportunities. I just need to train enough to sustain my lifestyle without needing to dip into my savings. It has worked wonderfully well for me thus far. I am, of course, definitely more conscious of my spending these days. But that is a good thing. I am in control of it.

On a broader scale, I have also considered the longer-term financial aspects, such as CPF and housing. After a long thought process, I am ready to liquidate my current apartment and move to public housing. I have already started the application process. The aim is to purchase one at a location of my choice. If the application is successful, the construction will take 3-plus years, and I should be able to move in when I am 63, or latest 64. My CPF LIFE will kick in at 65. With these tangible aspects in place, I am reasonably confident I have put myself in a financially comfortable position for the rest of my life.

What I have captured above are, in many ways, the easier aspects of post-corporate life planning. What is probably the most challenging for me is my sense of self-identity. I have alluded to it when I mentioned "purpose" earlier. For the longest time in my life, my identity had been closely linked to my professional identity. Leaving corporate, having time in my own hands, forced me to revisit my identity and the whole purpose in life.

What am I? Who am I?

Thinking deeply about my purpose also forced me to look at my beliefs and my values. It took me a long while to look inwards and re-examine myself. I am sure my "purpose" will morph as time passes, and with it, my daily habits and lifestyle. But I am not in a rush. After all, time is what I have now. And I give myself permission to take my time as I relearn about myself, to relax, to pursue my hobbies, to work, to go on holidays, or, simply, to do nothing. Importantly, what is most meaningful to me is to be aware, to live in the present moment, to be grateful, to be compassionate to others and to self, and to live life mindfully.

Ultimately, it’s my life and I decide how I live it. I am in control. I define what retirement is and...

I retire on my terms.

Grateful Start of Sep: Consolidation

It’s 1 Sep, and we are already 2/3 done with 2026. Is it time to start reflecting for the year? Heh… perhaps I’ll leave that to Dec lah. For now, let’s just consolidate what has happened over the past couple of weeks and give thanks to the things I should be grateful for. 

To Learn, Teach. 

I have spent a lot, and I mean, a lot, a lot of time researching and preparing for a training that I will be delivering next week and over the next 2 months. I thought it was important for me to really immerse myself in the subject and prepare myself properly, especially since this is a topic that is very much in the limelight currently - Artificial Intelligence. The materials provided totally cmi, especially from the instructional design point of view, and much re-work is needed if we want learners to learn properly - reframing the structure, reinforcing the content, designing the learning process, developing the activities and the demonstrations, and many other things behind the scenes. Of course, I am very much aware there is a political angle to it, given that the programme was developed by someone else who is now, for whatever reason, no longer scheduled to deliver it, at least for the next 3 runs. But I’m going to stay away from the politics and just focus on my preparation and delivery. Whatever happened is for the training company to handle. At the same time, I had to make sure I didn’t fundamentally change the deck that was provided. To me, getting the two-day programme materials in place is the key outcome. I am engaged as a trainer and not a developer, and thus, I should observe my professional boundaries. And after all the efforts and energies invested, I’ve finally done it! But what I am most thankful for is the learning I gained along the way. There is a lot of wisdom in the phrase "to learn a topic well, teach it". The deeper understanding I now have gives me a much stronger foundation for future runs, and perhaps even for other opportunities that may come along.

People - Managing Myself. 

There has been better clarity lately on how I should invest my energies in certain people, particularly in relation to M. I have been sensing subtle but distinct shifts in his attitude towards me over the past 2 months. I have asked if there was anything amiss between us, especially since he has suddenly refused to meet up despite the frequent greetings that he continues to forward. I had initially hinted and, later, asked explicitly about why he’s not keen to meet. His response was simply, “I don’t feel like socialising.” I find that response somewhat difficult to reconcile with the fact he continues to go out with his friends. Then again, perhaps I don’t need to understand or resolve that contradiction. Whatever the reason, his actions (or non-actions) tell me something, and I think it is time for me to calibrate my responses accordingly. As another friend had advised me: "You don't need to own his issues". Thinking about it, I probably should just mirror his energies and responses. Not out of spite, but simply because I need to manage myself. I don’t think I need to keep investing energy where it isn’t being reciprocated. Life is probably too short to spend too much time trying to figure out people. Instead, I’m grateful for the other friends who continue to engage, reach out and make the effort. Friendships, and relationships for that matter, are a two-way thing. It’s hard to have a hand clap singularly. Just not possible. 

Evolving Daily Routine. 

I have been making a deliberate effort to sleep earlier, relative to previous times, and head out for my early morning stretches and walks. And interestingly, my body seems to be adapting to this routine quite well. With this change, I am able to fall asleep relatively easily, and my sleep quality has improved. Let’s see how long I can maintain this routine. I’m not pressuring myself to make sure it keeps going. I’m sure it will change again when new habits are formed, or when life inevitably gets in the way. But for now, I’m deeply grateful for the good rest, the exercise and the benefits they have given me, especially in easing my backaches. And, of course, for the general good health that I continue to enjoy. 

Things have slowly but surely changed over the last couple of weeks. And I’m sure they will continue to do so. Perhaps that’s what I’m most grateful for - not that everything is perfect, but that things seem to be finding their own rhythm. Work, learning, friendships, routines, life in general. It’s been a pretty good year for me so far. And with a few more months left in 2026, I’m quite happy to just keep going, keep learning, keep appreciating what I have, and see what comes next.

Traveling...

Lately, several of my friends have asked me if I have made any travel plans, considering I have not travelled since last June. Frankly? No… I have not made any plans, and I don’t have any desire to do so at this point in time. Thinking of all the hassles, the planning, the financials… it’s actually quite tiring. 

And added to that, I have gotten quite used to staying in Sg and just going about my daily routines. And on a very practical note - travelling needs money. I want to be a little more careful with my finances these days, and I don’t really see the need to spend money simply for the sake of travelling. So, the next natural question is - what happened?

Well, I think there are several reasons. I am more settled in my mind these days, and I simply have less desire to travel. I think it could also be that I have come to realise the impermanence of that feeling of travelling. The excitement, the anticipation, the experiences… they are all wonderful, but they pass. Perhaps I also don’t savour travelling as much these days, especially since I am no longer attached to it in the same way.

Admittedly, in the past, I travelled partly because I wanted to spend time with my other half, and also because I wanted him to experience and see the world. So, perhaps travelling had a different meaning for me then. It wasn’t just about the destination or the experience. It was also about that someone and sharing it with him. 

Today, it feels different. I’m not saying I will never travel again. I definitely will. And when the time comes, I’ll pack a bag and go. And my criteria to travel remain the same - somewhere cool, easy and relatively stress-free. But for now, I’m happy staying put, go about my routines, and enjoy the life that I have here.

And I’m okay with that. 

:-)

A Meaningful Morning

My day started exceptionally early today, but it was for a good reason! I volunteered at an old folks’ home to bring the residents out for a walk at MacRitchie Reservoir Park. 

I joined the activity through a social service organisation, and about 30 volunteers turned up. After a quick briefing, we were brought to the assembly area to meet the residents, all of whom were elderly and wheelchair-bound. At first, there was some awkwardness and apprehension. We were strangers to the residents, and they were naturally unfamiliar with us too. But once the ice was broken, the interactions quickly became warm and comfortable. 

The uncle I was accompanying was 73 and Hokkien. Knowing that gave me an immediate point of connection as I’m Hokkien too! We chatted in Hokkien, and I could see him becoming more comfortable as we talked. We reminisced about the old days, places that no longer exist, and many other seemingly mundane things. Yet, from his chattiness, I could sense how happy he was. 

The walk itself was short, lasting about an hour and a half, and it was tiring. I was pushing a wheelchair while chatting with the uncle I was accompanying, and the heat was building quickly. Still, seeing him happy made the effort worthwhile. I could imagine how much it meant to him simply to be able to leave the home for a morning walk. 

It was a simple outing. But seeing the smiles on the residents’ faces reminded me that spending time with someone, speaking their language, listening to them and making them feel less alone can mean a great deal.

I am glad I joined the activity.

I’m Happy

Always very happy to hear from my coachees and mentees about their successes. And today, another of my coachees shared that he has secured a role after months of unsuccessful attempts. Such good news! 

You see, I met up with him a couple of months ago. That was our first meet up and I was surprised by how quickly he opened up to me. He sounded really dejected and demoralised.  We talked through some of the issues he was facing, worked through some of his self-doubt, and discussed how he could approach his job search differently. The tone of his message today was such a huge contrast. I’m genuinely so happy for him. After all the disappointments and setbacks, it’s really nice to see things finally work out for him. 

So it’s 3 success stories in as many weeks! Being able to be there for my coachees and mentees as they navigate their challenges and difficult moments is really meaningful to me. And being able to do this feels very much aligned with one of the things I want to do with my life - help people. 

That makes me happy.

Intuition?

Things will smoothen out in the end… I think it’s some kinda intuition, or perhaps I’m just quite used to how things are. You see, I’ve observed that despite my sometimes “nonchalance”, “tidak apa” attitude, everything somehow always falls into place. This has been the case even when I was in corporate, organising major events. 

This time round, I had a new training to conduct in 2 weeks, and there’s much to be done. But looking at the number of learners, I decided to take it slow, despite telling myself there was soooo much to research, prepare and internalise. True enough, I got an email yesterday informing me that the programme was cancelled. I believe it was due to low sales. I’m actually thankful I didn’t overstretch myself too early by researching and preparing extensively, apart from getting AI to help me frame things. 

And today, the company called to check my availability for 2 new runs next month. Such a sudden twist of events. That means I’ve gotten an extra 2–3 weeks to prepare - and this time round, I’m quite sure it will happen. And it’s a happy problem - with these two additional runs, I’ll now be kept busy till the end of the year, with a training run every fortnight. 

Yay… 😄 

So… is it intuition or…?

Refreshing...

I decided to do things differently today.

I dressed up (and this is highly unusual given I am a singlet/ t-shirt casual dresser kinda person), headed to town with my laptop (which is also unusual as my work desk has been set up at home), met up with friends for lunch, and worked in town. I also kept my options open to catch a movie or meet DO for coffee. No fixed plans, really. Just seeing where the day takes me. I just wanted to be spontaneous. Perhaps stay out of the house for the day. And perhaps, along the way, clock my steps.

And right now, I’m at a cafe blogging.

I had initially wanted to do a bit of work at the cafe before meeting my friends for lunch, but the 45 minutes available was too short and probably not gonna be too productive. I also didn’t want to get into something and then have to break my train of thought when it was time to leave. So I thought cleaning up my emails, checking out courses to attend, and blogging would probably be a better and more meaningful use of my time.

It’s still early, and I have the whole day ahead of me.

I think I have organised my life too meticulously over the years, and being spontaneous is quite a recent phenomenon for me. And today, I went a step further. I decided not just to be spontaneous, but to deliberately do things differently.

It feels nice so far.

Nothing particularly exciting has happened today. Yet somehow, the day already feels different. And maybe that is what being “semi-retired” feels like. Do what I want, when I want, how I want... but keep it meaningful, purposeful and easy.

And that feels refreshing.

Post-note: I had a superbly nice lunch, post-lunch dessert, afternoon coffee with DO, watched Spider-Man, a very nice vegetarian dinner and did some window shopping! Such a nice day!

Grateful: Ordinariness

Heaven is… 

• Sitting at the coffee shop in the morning after an early morning walk
• Drinking kopi o kosong
• ⁠Eating my breakfast of savoury mung bean bun
• Watching attractive people (cuties) go to work
• ⁠Knowing I am no longer in the rat race
• Chatting with my friends
• Simply watching the world go round and
• Feeling grateful for all the above!

It’s a lovely start to the week!

Building an App

It took me quite a while to do what I did today: I built a local app to auto-generate individualised learner assessment reports.

You see, I had been doing this rather manually thus far, and it’s quite a laborious process - downloading the class list from the trainer’s portal, generating individual reports by extracting each learner’s name and identity number, and saving them as individual files for submission. And my learners are organised into different batches. Each programme run can have up to 5 batches, with each batch having a different number of learners. Added to that, different programmes have their own report templates. And because I’m usually not in any rush when I do my training preparations, and given my attention to detail, I had been quite happy to do it manually. I wanted to make sure the font was correct, the font size was right, and the formatting and layout were all consistent. It was tedious, but I was quite happy to live with it. 

But since I will be teaching about using AI to improve work processes, I thought it would be good to have a real example that I could showcase. So I decided to challenge myself to use AI to develop an app to automate my report generation. And it was quite a journey. I spent quite a few hours developing the prompt, ensuring the data source was clean, making sure the data fields in the reports were correct, and ensuring that the format of the reports across all programmes was consistent. I also ran quite a few trials to ensure the data extraction was accurate and that the individualised files were saved according to the required naming protocol. And voilà! I eventually got the app running on my laptop!

What makes me particularly happy is that I now have an example to showcase during my lesson - not just using AI to generate content, but actually using it to solve a real work problem, figuring things out along the way, and eventually getting something that works.

So proud of myself!

Missing Intimacy

I don't even know where to start with this post. I want to talk about sex - or no, perhaps I want to talk about my libido. Or maybe it isn't really about either of those things. I don't know. I can't quite figure out where to begin. 

I met up with a friend for dinner earlier, and he went on at length about his escapades and adventures at some rather popular local gay haunts. I listened to him and genuinely appreciated him sharing his stories with me. I could relate to much of what he shared because I've had my own experiences too. But as I listened, I also felt a strange disconnect within myself. Not because there was anything wrong with what he was sharing. I was interested and I listened. But somewhere along the way, I realised that I am simply not quite like that anymore - or at least, not at this point in my life. And perhaps that was what puzzled me.

Over the past couple of months, I have found myself becoming less and less keen to seek gratification outside. Fleeting sex, which I suppose once held a certain appeal, now feels rather empty to me. The idea of heading out to seek it doesn't really excite me anymore. I don't even know why I remain on Grindr, especially when I can barely be bothered to chat with anyone there. Perhaps it doesn't help that there are all the scammers and those single-word messages: "Seek?" Much of the interaction can feel rather superficial and, frankly, tiring. I just don't have the energy for the whole process of chatting, getting to know someone, figuring out whether there is any interest or chemistry, and going through what feels like the whole courtship thing. 

And yet, it isn't that I don't want intimacy. I do. In fact, I think I miss it.

I miss having someone I can relate to. Someone I can talk to. Someone with whom there is both emotional and physical chemistry. Someone I can simply lie in bed with, talk to, hold, and cuddle. I still get horny and all, and I still occasionally watch porn and take care of myself. So perhaps it isn't that I no longer have a libido, or that sex no longer interests me. Maybe I have simply become less interested in sex that leaves me feeling empty. What I want is something deeper. And therein lies the irony. I want intimacy. I miss intimacy. But I am tired of the whole process of trying to find it. I had been partnered for more than 28 years until last year, and this is the first time in my adult life that I have been single for this long. Perhaps that has changed the way I think about what I want - or perhaps what I am willing to invest my time and energy in. 

I don't know.

Maybe I haven't become disengaged from intimacy.

Maybe I just find the search for it exhausting.

And perhaps what I really want is still very simple.

To feel close to someone.

Grateful 2 Weeks: Blessed Busyness

It’s been a while since my last entry. I didn’t feel particularly motivated to write and, to a certain extent, felt a little conflicted about blogging given how busy I had been preparing for and delivering a new programme. There were difficult conversations which I dreaded but managed to have, a lot of research, prep and development for the programme, and my bad back hasn’t healed as quickly as I had wanted it to. Still, the past few weeks came and went, and I thought things went rather smoothly and well. So let me reflect a little and capture the areas that I am grateful for, despite the challenges.

• Delivered a New Programme. I finally delivered part of a new programme. The prep work was intense and took a lot of effort and time, despite having materials provided to me. The thing about being me is that I need to internalise the given materials and be able to incorporate my own experiences to make the learning authentic, real and relatable. The fact that this was my first face-to-face class compounded the challenge of delivery. I was glad that my delivery resonated well with the learners, and thankful that all the efforts paid off. The post-training evaluation scores weren’t as good as those from my virtual classes, but they were respectable. Still, the experience gave me good insights into how I can improve myself for future runs. There are so many things that I have learned and, equally, so many things that I am thankful for.

• Difficult Conversations. I personally do not like difficult conversations, especially when they involve people with authority, even if that authority is now in the past. I was faced with one such conversation 2 weeks ago. Without giving too much context given the sensitivity of the issue, the conversation had me walking a tightrope, balancing professional integrity with maintaining a respectful relationship. I used AI to give me different perspectives and alternatives on how I could approach the conversation. I thought the conversation went well and that, in the end, I was able to diplomatically and courteously turn down a request - one that could compromise my professional integrity. More importantly, I learned from the episode. I am thankful for the lessons, for AI, and for the people I spoke with for counsel.

• Bad Back. Amidst the busyness, my back continued to feel tight and unrelenting, especially when I woke up in the morning. I had to consciously make the decision to lie on my bed and be very intentional and deliberate when transferring my body weight and walking. Recovery was slow, but I am certain that I am heading in the right direction. Age is a bitch, isn’t it? It’s interesting how we push ourselves physically when we are younger and then suffer the effects as we age. Still, it is what it is. Positively, this episode reminded me of the importance of slowing down and taking deliberate rests when the occasion calls for it.

• Stress. The preoccupation with the training prep, the difficult conversations and the bad back elevated my stress levels. As a person who tends to overthink, overprepare and overstretch myself, I naturally went into overdrive as I prep for the training - the researching, adding supplementary content and personal examples, changing activities, thinking through the learners’ abilities and learning styles, and so on. All these things just added to my stress. It showed clearly in my BP and PR - they went up a couple of notches. But I wasn’t too worried about it. Thinking back, I think I managed the situation reasonably well: pacing myself, getting sufficient rest, even when an overactive mind refused to allow me to sleep, and trying to boost my energy with ginseng, chicken essence and the likes. I am thankful for all of these. I also see all the effort as an investment, and hopefully it will pay off in the longer run. With each run, I will learn, refine and improve, and hopefully I won’t need to put in quite so much effort the next time around.

• Mentee & Coachee. This period of busyness was peppered with coaching and mentoring sessions. And as of today, I am superbly pleased to learn that one of my coachees has managed to land a role. The news came as a pleasant surprise, especially since I had coached her for close to 2 years and had seen first-hand how much she had struggled professionally. My mentee has also successfully gone for several interviews and is feeling very positive about how things are panning out for him. At our last meet-up, he said something that made me smile: “Whenever I speak with you, I always walk out feeling very positive and very happy. Thank you so much for mentoring me.” I don’t think I need much more validation than that.

• People. Even when I was so absorbed in my training preparation and delivery, I made it a point to meet up with friends - BG, D, PY, JT and others - for walks, meals and drinks. These meet-ups provided me with the social engagement and mental breaks I needed, and I appreciated their company and the time they made for me.

So, yeah. It’s been a superbly crazy few weeks. But the outcomes and validations I received from the people around me - my learners, coachee and mentee - and feeling their happiness and enthusiasm when they updated me reminded me of what I wanted to do in the first place: to help and support the people. And that is what makes all the busyness worthwhile.

I am blessed indeed.

Grateful Week: Backache

It’s been a crazy week - not because I was busy, but because I had a terrible backache. I’m not too sure whether it was due to all the walking I’ve been doing, poor posture, or perhaps a combination of both. Whatever the cause, it affected my lifestyle and disrupted my routines. I was essentially bedridden for more than 2 days and couldn’t even sit up straight. For those few days, I consciously prioritised rest over work, long walks and meals out. Apart from some lingering soreness and muscle tightness around my waist and left hip, I’m now almost back to normal. This episode reminded me of several things that I’m thankful for. 

• Friends. I’m blessed to have friends who reached out and showed genuine concern. One person in particular stood out. D, who lives in the west, offered to come over to help with my meals, which I politely declined. I’m deeply thankful that he offered his help despite the distance. 

• Food delivery. I’m grateful that such a service exists. It may cost a little more, but at a time like this, the small premium was insignificant compared to the pain and discomfort. And since I was ordering in anyway, I finally tried the McDonald’s National Day Curry Chicken Burger. I enjoyed it and thought it was pretty good. 

• Remote controls. This is something I’ve taken so much for granted until now. When moving around became painful, having remote controls for the lights, fans, aircon, tv and other appliances made life so much more bearable. It’s funny how we hardly notice these little conveniences until we actually need them. 

• Back support. This was a lifesaver. Thankfully, I had a back support tucked away in my storeroom from a previous episode of back pain. It helped me walk, even if it was only a few steps at a time, and was especially useful when I struggled to stand upright. Keeping my back muscles warm helped prevent them from stiffening further, and I’m glad I had it when I needed it.

• … and many more. As I lay in bed over those couple of days, I realised how many other things I had taken for granted - my firm bed, my warm comforter, a hot shower, the internet, good wifi, my mobile phone, and so much more. Every single one of them brought comfort and convenience when I needed them most. It’s amazing how the simplest things often become the most appreciated during moments like these. Deeply grateful for every one of them.

Despite the pain, which affected me for more than half the week, I didn’t want it to stop me from living as normally as I could. It was a conscious decision to leave my apartment, visit places and have meals with friends whenever I was able. Walking, within my limits, helped keep my back muscles warm and, I believe, aided my recovery. This episode also served as a timely reminder to pay closer attention to my health and well-being. They are easy to take for granted until they are compromised. More importantly, it reminded me that even during an inconvenient week, there was still much to be thankful for.

Grateful Week: Feeling Good

Training, coaching and mentoring took centre stage this week. It was tiring, but also deeply fulfilling and meaningful. And I am grateful for the experiences, despite feeling somewhat under the weather at the moment: 

• Training. I conducted training on Mon and Tues. It was, as always, very draining. Despite that, I drew much energy from the very participative learners. As always, there were one or two who chose to tune out, and it was superbly obvious. I simply let them be, but made my displeasure clear to them privately. I took the position that, as adults, they are responsible for their own learning. If they choose not to participate fully, there is only so much I can do to help them. 

• Validation. The 2 days went better than I thought. Despite the challenging topic, everyone gave feedback that they had learnt much and were appreciative of the experience they had. I was pleasantly hesurprised with the near perfect trainer effectiveness score in the evaluation. It was the highest score I have ever received and validated the efforts I put in.

• Coaching. I met up with a coachee yesterday and it turned into a long session! I had not coached for quite a while and I must say that my coaching had become somewhat rusty. Nonetheless, I was glad and grateful to my coachee for the opportunity to practice again. 

• Mentoring. I met up with a new mentee today. I was surprised by how smooth the conversation went. The chemistry was good and he was very enthusiastic about this mentoring. We ended the call after a quick intro and have arranged to meet for a more in-depth session next week. I am very much looking forward to it. 

Over the last 2 years, I have placed much emphasis on giving back to society through training, coaching and mentoring. Last few days have therefore been especially meaningful. I am grateful for them and could not have asked for more.

Grateful Weekend: Life Lived!

It’s only been 3 short days and there’ve been so many happenings! Let’s see: 

• Job Offer. I was offered the job and the contract came within a day of the interview! Reflecting on it, it wasn’t much of an interview per se. Rather, it was more like a conversation and I was very much in control. Glad I prepared myself well for it. Happy with the outcome! And of course, I managed to prepare all the necessary documents for them over the weekend! 

• Hello. I was out for my afternoon coffee when I crossed paths with the closeted bi guy again. This time round, he actually looked at me, smiled and nodded his head. I guess it was because his wife and son weren’t with him. Anyway, I nodded back. 

• Ouch. I went on the Bukit Timah–MacRitchie hike today. Along the way, I walked past a group of youngsters - probably in their early 20s. As I passed them, one of them said: “Look at old people, they walk like it’s so easy. But look at us youngsters, like wanna die already…” Such an 一针见血 (literally “one needle and you see blood”) kind of sentence - sayang and kill at the same time… 

• 40k. I’ll be conducting a course over the next 2 days. Gonna be busy and probably won’t be able to hit my daily walking targets. So I increased my walking distance today instead. I should end the day with about 40k steps or around 26 km. I bet I’ll sleep well tonight! 

• Fat. I tried the KFC National Day special - prata, curry, sambal and chicken. It was actually quite good. Will probably try the McDonald’s Curry Burger in the coming week. It’s nice that these fast-food joints come up with local flavours for National Day. The downside for me? I get fat!

• Spontaneous. It’s nice being spontaneous these past couple of days. I wanted to get out of the house and, without any agenda in mind, decided to just take whichever bus that arrived at the bus stop first. So I ended up spending some good time at Jewel at the airport. Lovely to just people-watch and enjoy the surroundings! 

• Public Person. Was at Jewel and saw a political office holder. He looked at me like as though he know me. I just look straight through him and walked on. Never liked to look at public figures like as though they are some weird creatures, much less call out to them. I’m sure they’d like that too.

So yeah, quite a lot has happened in just 3 days. Quite a bit of life lived too - work, admin, training preparation, walks, hikes, meeting friends, and much more. Grateful for everything that unfolded.